01x01 - Ligertown

[bunniefuu]

[horn honking]
[gasps]

[groans]

[growls]

Dang.

[panting]

[grunts]

Hello, Napoleon.
Hey, Pedro.

[grunting]

[sighing]

So, Pedro, the other day,

I found, like,
a scientist's secret diary,

and it said if you burp,
sneeze, fart and yawn

at the same time,
you explode.

Science is amazing.

B.S., Napoleon.

Scientists don't
keep diaries.

They have logs.

Secondly, I know two people
who have snee-furped

and lived to blog about it.

Well, they're liars!

All the air leaving your body
would create a super-vacuum

and turn you into an upside-down
blood fountain. Gosh!

This is the dumbest argument
I have ever heard.

Let's try it
and see who's right!

[grunts]
My pack!

[birds singing]

[sighs]

[low, volcanic gurgling sounds]

The root beer
has reached the cabbage.

I think we're a go.

Initiating pepper cloud.

Any last words, Napoleon?

Pedro, if I die, have a hawk
sprinkle my ashes in Bear Lake.

As you wish.

Snee-furp
in three,

two and one.

[stomach rumbling,
Napoleon groans]

[grunting]

[Napoleon passes wind, grunts]

[wind whistling]

Have you boys seen my cabbage?

Oh, there it is!

[wind whistling]

What are you idiots looking at?
[Napoleon groans]

Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!

[Napoleon grunts]

[Grandma grunting]

Get off of me!

GRANDMA [coughs]:
Oh.

Sorry I didn't explode, guys.

I totally forgot to yawn.

Are you okay,
Grandma?

No, I'm not okay!

Your dingbat brother just broke
my transition lenses!

Boy, you really
done it now.

A good pair of photo-grays
will set you back $28,

and that's without
the croakies!

$28?! I'll never have
that kind of money!

Now, Carlinda,
I keep telling you,

these nephews of mine
need to get a job.

Ow!

Don't tell me how
to raise my boys!

Napoleon, you're getting a job
to pay for these.

What about Kip?

Kip's too frail for today's
modern workplace.

Besides, he's gonna be my eyes.

I can't see a thing.

Why can'tIbe your eyes?

Because I'm way better
at describing stuff.

Like how I always say a baby's
hand looks like a starfish.

Whoa! That is dead-on accurate,
Kipper.

Hey, Napoleon, we
just refilled our
bean bag chair.

Do you want to come over
and sit in it with me?

My mom will supervise.

That sounds pretty sweet,

but I'm kind of going through
a family crisis right now.

Oh, my gosh, is there
anything I can do?

Not unless you've got,
like, a billion dollars

for a new pair of these.

WOMAN:
Well, Napoleon, I know how

debt can weigh on a man.

So, I'm gonna recommend
you drop out.

Can't I just get
an after-school job?

Here's my résumé.

You can call my references
to find out how awesome I am.

Okeydokey.

[touch-tone dialing]

[phone ringing]
Hello?

This is Suzanne Critchlow
at P.H.S.

Yeah, I'm checking references
on a Napoleon Dynamite.

Yeah, he's okay,
I guess.

Wow, impressive.

Well, let's see

what we have in the old
Job Opportunities Box.

Peach pitter.
Lame.

Midwife.
Gross.

Prison snitch.

Maybe.
Oh,

well, this one's interesting.

There's an animal
breeding facility

that needs an extra hand.

What kind of animal?

Uh, I don't really know
what this is.

Would you object to working
with something called a...

a liger?

Huh?

Are you freaking
kidding me?!

I only had, like, 14 dreams
about them last night!

It's a lion and tiger mixed,
bred for its skills in magic.

They're the most gorgeous blend
of beasts

that God never intended.

Well, don't get too excited.

It's 40 miles away.

[panting]

Hey, Grandma,
I just got a sweet new job!

Kip, you suck!

Well, that was uncalled for.

Now read slowly, Kipper,
so Grandma can imagine.

"As Lance emerged
from the Jacuzzi

and reached for his chaps,
a Savannah blew away his..."

Blew away his what?!

Spit it out, Kip!

Um... his undies.

Grandma, does the Lord know
you're reading this?

I'm not the one
reading it, Kip.

You are.

Dang it.

[panting]

[grunts]

Well, hello, son.

You must be the awkward boy
from the high school.

I guess.

[laughs]:
Howdy, I'm Cody,

and this is my
mating partner, Dody.

Who cares?
Where are the ligers?

[laughing]:
Now hold on to
your ham steaks.

Before we let you run
willy-nilly with our hybrids,

we have to show you a
brief orientation film.

Well, hurry up!

[patriotic music plays]

MALE NARRATOR:
America's Fighting Crossbreeds!

Looking for a knockout blow
to end World w*r II,

President Harry Truman
has a brainstorm.

From an oval-shaped office
in the White House,

Truman unveils his plans
for a new super w*apon

to our nation's top scientists.

I call it a Lygor!

Yee-hee! [laughs] Yee-haw!

I wish that guy was
our president right now.

And thus, Shasta,
the first liger, was born.

Just watch as he gives what-for
to these patriotic convicts.

[convicts screaming]

It wasn't long
before the pieces were in place

for a liger invasion.

But ultimately,
Truman lost interest

and decided to go another way.

But should atoms ever come
into short supply,

we can all rest easy, knowing
our friend the liger

stands ready to fight...
for freedom!

[roaring]

[projector clicking]

I'm so freaking proud
right now.

So Napoleon, are you ready
to see some ligers?

I've been ready my whole life.

Then I give you...

Ligertown.

[roaring]

[wooden pecking]

[purring and meowing
like kittens]

[hammock creaking]

[TV game show theme plays]

These are ligers?

[meows and purrs]

I should have picked
prison snitch.

[wooden pecking]

What have you done
to the ligers?

They're so peaceful
and decroded!

Are you kidding?

These ligers have a lifestyle
most animals would dream of.

Come here, Buttercup,
Gingersnap!

Brunch is ready!

What are you
feeding them?

French toast sticks
and tube yogurt.

Aren't you doing anything to
cultivate their magic abilities?

If you're referring
to the magic they've brought

into our childless
marriage...

I wasn't.

Fair enough.

Now, you strike me
as a boy who likes to sing.

I'm pretty much the
best singer I know.

Fantastic, 'cause
this is the time of day

where we sing
the pride to sleep.

♪ Some day
somebody's gonna make you ♪

♪ Wanna turn around
and say good-bye ♪

♪ Until then, baby ♪

♪ Are you gonna let 'em hold you
down and make you cry? ♪

♪ Don't you know? ♪

♪ Don't you know,
things can change? ♪

♪ Things will go your way ♪

♪ If you hold on ♪
[contented purring]

♪ For one more day ♪

ALL:
♪ Hold on for one more day! ♪

I'm still pissed, but that was
a pretty sweet song.

GRANDMA:
Kip, if anything
happens to my Seville

while you're my eyes,

it's coming out of your
next government check.

Come on, get in there!

Grandma, I don't feel good
about this.

Maybe I should drive.

You don't have the leg strength.

Dang it.

[engine starting]

[engine revving,
tires squealing]

[tires peeling,
engine roaring]

Hey, I'm pretty
good at this!

Child.
[screams]

Horse.
[neighing]

Pedro.
Ay-yi-yi.

Sister wives.

Hey!
[screaming]

By the by,
where are we going?

We're going to the
Kuttin' Korral,

so Lopan can
frost my tips.

[engine revving]

Slower.

Slower.

S.O.B.

[yells]

[crash, tires squealing]

[entrance bells tinkling]

Hello, Princess!
How are you?

You are looking so big
and sexy today!

Lopan, you sure know
how to treat a lady.

Oh, stop it!
You are crazy!

You are so
big and crazy!

[leaf blower whirring]

Okay, listen up.

I want everyone here to know,

I'm very disappointed
in you as a species.

[loud moan]

What'syourdeal?

[moaning]

Whoa! You're with child!

[panicked moaning]
Oh. Sick!

Stay in there!

Come on, guys!
Your lady needs you.

[remote clicks,
TV volume increases]

["Sanford and Son" theme
playing]

[purring]

Here.

sh**t it into this.

[plop]

[purrs and mewls]

I'm not fainting about this.

I'm fainting about
something else.

[sighs]

[harp plays arpeggio]

MAJESTIC VOICE:
Napoleon? Napoleon?

Tina, you noble lard, stop.

[gasps]
I know you!

You're... You're...

I am Shasta, the first
and greatest of all ligers.

My liege.

I've always dreamed
of meeting you.

Can you read my thoughts?

Hold on. Let me think
of a number.

Three.
[gasps]
Sweet!

But that's not why
I summoned you to...

Napoleon, please stop thinking
of numbers.

Sorry.

Mankind has reduced my breed

to a life of gluttonous leisure
and be-tube-ed yogurt.

So you want me
to k*ll Cody and Dody?

Why would you...?
No, Napoleon.

The cub you birthed represents
our last hope.

He is the chosen one,

and he lies swaddled
in that 12-piece bucket.

[whirring, ding]

[mewing]

To you, I entrust
the ultimate task:

restoring the liger
to its once noble standing.

You must become its father.

Okay.

Good-bye, Napoleon.

Wait!
I have an important question.

Yes, Napoleon?

If you sneeze, fart, burp

and yawn at the same time...

Good-bye,Napoleon.

I knew they could fly!

I'm right about everything.

[harp plays arpeggio]

My word is my bond, Shasta.

You can count on me.

[purring]

Don't worry. I'll take
good care of him.

And you'd better take dang
good care of my moon boot.

Okay, little fella,
the first thing we're gonna do

is learn how
to hunt fresh steaks.

[whirring]

Come on, go chase it!

Increase your blood lust.

Hey, Napoleon, the bead store
is having a sale on beads.

Want to come with me?

My mom will supervise.

Can't you see I'm
training my liger?

Ohh, it's so cute.

Careful,
he'll rip your heart out!

[slurping]

You meanmeltmy heart out.

I know what I meant.

Where's its mother?

Uh, it's an orphan.

I found it lying
in a mini-snow cave.

Well, you shouldn't
be feeding it raw meat.

It needs mother's milk.

I'm on it.

Are you kidding me, Napoleon?

These paps have
been dry since '65.

What about your grandma?

No, it needs animal milk.

[bleats]

Tina's a girl, right?

How the heck should I know?

[startled grunt]

[slurping]

Napoleon,

it's working!

[pop]

[ferocious meowing]

[metallic scratching]

Sweet.

Hey, who's clawing the van?

I'm trying to record a message
for my answering machine.

[click, beeping]

You've reached Rico Industries.

For romantic bodyguard services,
press one.

For life coaching or human
scarecrow work, press two.

[meows excitedly]

Dang.

You're becoming noble as crap.

Father's proud of you.

And mommy is, too.

Uh...

[tiny roar]

[roar echoing]

[distant roar echoing faintly]

Huh?

[roaring]

[huge roar]

[roaring continues]

Look, Napoleon, he's laughing.

[meowing and purring happily]

Stop treating him like a baby.

You've got to push him higher
so he can catch some air.

[thud]

Uh-oh.

[purring]
Are you okay?

[meows]
He's all right.

He can handle way
more G's than that.

Napoleon,

I know you mean well,

but why are you
so tough on him?

Because if he doesn't have
a strong father figure,

he's gonna turn out
to be strange and lonely.

Trust me, I know.

Oh, Napoleon, I don't think
you're either of those things.

I was talking about Kip!

Gosh!

Come on, let's get
out of here.

I haven't taken a dump
in like five days.

OFFICER ELWOOD:
Dispatch...

I'm currently under att*ck

by some kind
of wild feline species.

[roars]

Can I get a description?

Well, it's a proud,
magnificent beast.

A creature that moves
with liquid grace.

Okay, I'll get this right over
to the mayor's office.

I knew this day would come.
Good-bye, Tracy.

Next stop, Orlando!

Whee...

[thud]

Next stop, Orlando!

[ligers roaring,
townspeople screaming]

[man screaming]

Not my size.

Not my style.

Bingo!
[roars]

[gasps]

[yells]

[crunching]

Too quick for you, furball.

[thumping, yelling]

[grunt, thud inside dojo]

And that's how you punch
somebody in the brain.

Let's have a big hand
for Sensei Trevor!

[sneezes]

My allergies.

Did somebody bring
a cat in here?

[roars]

Starla, help!

[grunting]

Hey, Eyeballs,

how do Grandma's pumpkins
look in this one?

Oh, man.

They're huge and ferocious.

That's what your
grandpa used to say.

I'm serious, Grandma,

there's a couple of
mutant pumas outside

trying to crush your car.

[roars]

My car?!

[g*nshots]

[air hissing]

Jeeeeeeeeeez!

[everyone talking at once]

People, these ligers present us
with a crisis the likes of which

we haven't seen since
the British Invasion of '64.

I think we all need
to urinate in the same mug

and sprinkle it on our crops.

That's your answer
to everything, Lyle!

I'm gonna organize me a
safari and make some money.

I hear liger blood is an
aphrodisiac in Mogadishu.

Everybody, shut up!

With the mayor
and police chief gone,

I reluctantly volunteer
my services

to lead you weaklings
to victory!

I second and
approve that, baby.

Well, according
to the city charter,

the chain of command falls
to the student body president.

I accept.

This is bull crap!

I challenge your authority.

Security, have him removed.

You got it, jefe.

I'm a heartbeat away, Pedro!

Heartbeat away!

[grunting]

Okay, I think this liger
invasion can be solved

without any bloodshed.

In my village,
when a monster came to town,

such as a chupacabra, or Satan,

they were just searching
for something.

Money?
A state championship?

A crazy Brazilian blowout?

Maybe.

Or maybe it's something
less stupid.

Hmm...

[crunching, moaning]
Do you think everyone
in the restaurant

thought we were married?

If they did, it was the
worst freaking honeymoon

I've ever been on.

[ligers roaring]

[people screaming]

What's going on?
[tiny roar]

[roaring stops]

Oh, crud.

[meowing]

Run!

[roaring resumes]

You didn't find that cub in
a mini-snow cave, did you?

Uhhh...

[tires squeal]
Get in!

Faster...

faster...

faster...

[roaring]
S.O.B.

[hip-hop playing]

[safari music playing]

Aim for the bladder.

That's nature's gas t*nk.

[cocking r*fles]

[tires squeal]

[yelling]

[tires screech]

[yelling]

[growling, roaring]

[protestors shouting]

Hello, Napoleon.

It's Pedro.

As your best friend and mayor, I
urge you to give back the baby.

A baby?

What's he talking about?

I don't know.

Napoleon took this liger
cub from his mother,

and we've been raising
him as our own.

He's adorable.

Let's see
what I can get for him.

All right, listen up!

You can have your cub,

but first I want a ten-pound bag
of butterscotch candy.

And I'd like
to have my gutters cleaned,

if you know what I mean.

[disgusted groaning]

I can't give him back.

He hasn't even learned how
to cast spells or bend time.

Napoleon, I know how
much you love ligers,

but they're just wild animals.

They're not magic.

I always knew this
about you, Deb.

I could never be with a woman

that didn't believe
in the mystical realm.

I'm sorry you feel that way,

but if you're not gonna
give him back, I will.

Where is he?

[meows]

Easy, Easy.

Look, I'm just gonna be
straight up with you guys.

I had your baby
like ten seconds ago,

but I don't know
where he is right now.

[angry growls]

Now before you guys
tear me to shreds,

I want you to know that I really
tried to raise your cub

to be a king among ligers.

[slurping, crunching]

[angry grunt]

Given the proper time
and resources,

I had even hoped
to teach him how to...

[meowing]

[triumphant music swells]

Whoa.

You really are the chosen one.

Lucky.

[purring]

CROWD:
Aww.

Today, the tears on my
face are not just tattoos.

I guess you were
right, Napoleon.

They are magical.

[purring]
Swear you'll never forget me,

and if I ever have
children of my own,

I promise I won't like
them as much as you.

Everybody say "cheese."

Cheese.

[shutter clicks]

By the power
inexplicably vested in me,

I declare that whole area
over there a liger preserve.

CROWD:
Yay!

Hey, that's where I live.

We can fight them
in court, baby!

SHASTA:
Napoleon.

Napoleon.

Shasta.

Well done, Napoleon.

You have truly restored
my pride.

Double meaning, sweet.

I offer this knowledge
as your reward:

Snee-furps are impossible.

At least in your dimension.

Bummer.

Will I ever see you again?

Something tells me...

[gasps]

...no.

Aww.

I know you said you'd never
like your future children

as much as you liked our liger,

but I really think you'll
make a good dad someday.

Say it, don't spray it, Deb.

Sorry.

That's okay.

And just so you know,

if I ever have kids and get
k*lled in a car accident,

I totally want
you to raise them.

And get my car fixed,

'cause it'll probably
be a pretty sweet car.

Hello, Napoleon.

Hello, Deb.

What's up, Pedro?

Well, I'm still technically
the mayor till 5:00,

so if there's anything
illegal you want to do,

I can pardon you.
Really?

Sweet!

Oh, yeah!

[grunts]

This is the best
freaking day of my life!

You've reached Rico Industries.

Please listen carefully as
the menu options have changed.

If you're calling
about quarterback opportunities,

press one.

For tours of Indian graveyards,
press two.

If you're calling to obtain
the rights to my life story,

press three.

If you are interested in joining
my pyramid scam, press four.

For closet organization tips,
press five.

If you believe you are my son,
press six.

If this is about my line
of antidepressant muffins,

I'm still waiting on
FDA approval, so hang in there.