01x06 - A Woman in Love (It's Not Me)

[bunniefuu]

Come on, Jules, it's a game.

Just pick any celebrity you'd wanna have sex with for an hour.

An hour? No one.

OK, 15 minutes.

Dan Rather. It's a long story.

Are you really wearing that T-shirt?

Yeah. I've never been to Ohio, but I do love this shirt 'cause the O's frame my boobs perfectly and it says "hi" in the middle.

Oh, hey, Travis.

Ohio.

Travis, eyes up.

Hey, that is a bitchin' purse.

Did you get that on the Internet?

I bought this bad-ass humidifier on the Internet, and it is really helping with my sinus infectch.

It's cold mist, so less bacteria, you know? No biggie.

What are you doing?

Great stuff, Moms. And I'm out.

What a doof.

He is so crushing on you.

It's kinda sweet.

Yeah.

Do you want me to take his virginity?

Now, not so sweet.

No, as like a favor to you.

Plus, it's kinda my hobby.

Honey, I'm hoping my son's first time is a little more romantic and a little less "hold on tight."

How dare you.

[Sighs] So where's handsome-boring-guy?

Josh isn't boring.

Deep down, he's really...

OK, I got nothing.

Laurie, you have to stay with me, OK?

These are all his friends and they're all, like, 12-years-old.

Laurie?

You're funny.

How did you do that? It takes me 20 minutes to get in a hammock.

Ohio.

Stacey!

Whoa!

I'm sorry, I thought you were my roommate.

You thought my butt was young enough to be your roommate's?

We need to hug. Wow!

Jules?

I made a new friend!

Nice.

Why didn't I think of having a boat yard sale before? I've made 12 bucks.

We've been here all morning, the only one who's bought anything is your one psychotic superfan.

I'm gonna buy the picture, too.

Look at you, you're magnificent.

For you, 30 bucks.

I'm paying 40.

Done.

I feel like this is a sad day.

Yeah, well, I'm a little strapped for cash, bud.

You know I only got four golf lessons booked this month.

So I gotta come up with new ways to bring in the doubloons.

That's boat slang for "money."

Got it.

Yes! Chug it!

In your face, Sully!

I love this game!

I forfeit.

[All] Chug! Chug! Chug!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey-ey!

All the chanting is not gonna make me do it!

Let me tell you something about peer pressure.

Peer pressure is why I lost my virginity at 15 with Francis Cooper in his mom's bathtub.

I've never told that story before, but you all pressured me into it.

Jules, I got it. Please stop.

This is fun. I haven't drank out of a red plastic cup since my wedding reception.

So he just hugged you sweetly from behind and didn't honk a boob to show off to his friends?

Nope. No honks.

Hmm.

What is with the knowing look?

I hate knowing looks unless I'm giving them.

Jules, that boy is in L-O-V-E, love.

I used to a cheerleader.

No you weren't.

OK. I slept with a lot of football players. Same diff.

Slutty dummy's right for a change.

Josh is in love.

Holla!

No "holla," Laurie.

This is not a "holla" moment.

We're having fun. He doesn't love me.

Hey, Grayson, if you were at a barbecue playing drinking games with your buds, would you chug a girl's beer, hug her sweetly from behind without trying to cop a feel if you weren't totally in love?

Please stop coming to my bar.

Man's got a point.

Yeah.

He's got a nice ass, too.

You don't love me, right?

What? No.

Holla! Oh, that's fun to say.

Josh, do me a favor, don't fall in love with me, OK?

Oh, my God, that sounds like the most arrogant thing I've ever said.

[Groans]

But seriously, don't.

That'd be a huge hassle.

OK.

Wow, Travis.

You're really filling out.

I think I see a vein on that bicep.

Arr!

Yeah, just going for a post-workout swim.

Hey, can you thank Jules for letting me use the pool?

No, Josh, thank you.

Hey, can you ask your mom to give me a call later?

Yeah, no. No, I can't, Josh, because I have to go sh**t myself.

I told you Josh didn't love me.

All he wants is, well... All of this.

With a side of this.

Holy crap, Jules.

You are finally someone's booty call.

[Scoffs]

All that hard work finally paid off.

The spin classes, the expensive body creams, the...

Not eating candy!

You know, I suck on chocolate for three seconds and then I spit it out.

[Telephone rings]

Ooh, that's him.

Hello. Is someone calling for a boot-ay?

Jules, I lied before.

I can't stop thinking about you.

I love you.

Not much. Just hangin' with my girls.

[Mouths] What?

Jules, I'm trying to tell you that I love you.

Oh, yeah...

They're all on that island.

It's crazy.

I tell you, they're not getting off.

Jules, I'm telling you that I love you.

Please say something real.

What are you doing?

I got very nervous!

That was uncomfortable.

I thought it was fun.

Laurie, you can't do that.

Josh has feelings.

He's a human being.

[Telephone rings]

I didn't know what to say yet.

You have to cold dump Josh's ass, like, yesterday.

I can't believe he fell in love.

I specifically told him not to.

And he did the opposite?

It doesn't make any sense.

Sarcasm?

No, I wouldn't do that.

It would be so rude.

What are you wearing to the break up?

What?

This is how he's gonna remember you forever.

I like to do it after sex.

It's when my hair looks the best.

I've never broken up with anyone before.

I mean, I dated this guy, Francis, from 15 to 19, and then I met Bobby.

What happened with Francis?

You dump him or he dump you?

Neither.

He's still in a coma from his tractor accident.

Oh, I wanna go see Francis.

Don't be such a baby.

Fine, I'll do it. But not today.

I mean, how heartless would it be to break up with someone five months before their birthday?

Jules!

OK.

Your follow-through is looking much better, Gladys.

You go, Gladys!

You're gonna get it one day.

She never will.

No.

What do you need?

I gotta go break up with someone.

So Trav probably filled you in on my liquidity crisis.

Don't get me wrong, the boat yard sale did OK.

[Hammering]

Absolutely not.

So I can't choose one thing in here?

Come on!

But, financially, I'm still in the red.

Wait, is that right?

Yes, Bobby, red is the bad color.

Anyway, do you think you could give me some life advice and help me get back on track?

Oh, my God, I have prayed for this moment.

Wait, are you messing with me?

No! I'm bringing the real.

And, in return, I'm gonna give your swing a tune-up. Get in here.

No. No. Let's not play golf.

Let's fix your life.

Russ! Hey, Jules, you remember my old golf buddy, Russ?

Oh, of course! Russ! I love Russ!

We never really met.

Why not just go with it, Russ?

Here's your cash, Bobby.

Merci beaucoup.

What just happened?

Don't worry about it. Just take it.

I don't care how much trouble you're in, I am not hiding this in my butt.

Oh, that happened once.

All right, look, you know, back in '99, Russ bet me a thousand bucks that in ten years we wouldn't still be married.

That's your share.

So this was just all a con?

You're welcome, baby.

That's the swing, Gladys!

Way to make that fake hip your bitch.

Look... Here, have a seat, Josh.

OK, I'm gonna try to make this as short and concise as I possibly can.

Josh, people go through many phases in their lives.

Like moving out on their own.

Or menopause.

Not sure why I went with menopause.

That's years away for me.

Like, at least four. Four!

Oh, my God! Am I that old, Josh?

Well, here's a crazy question.

Have you ever been so into someone that you actually don't want to see them anymore?

Except for maybe as friends?

So many things in life are about timing.

I mean, not just relationships, Josh.

Soft-boiled eggs, horse races.

I mean, those are really the two that come to mind.

Look, Josh, you are a great guy.

I mean, you are easily in the top ten to 15 guys that I've ever met in my life, and that includes Tom Petty and Colonel Sanders.

Oh, I'm just in a bad place in my life, Josh.

It's like an outlet mall. You think you're getting a deal, but you're not.

They're just selling you poor quality stuff.

It's like a trick, is what it is.

Are you dumping me?

No, no, no, no, don't be sad.

So you're not?

No, I am.

I'll call you two tomorrow about those listings.

Thanks for stopping by.

You OK down there, sweetheart?

They didn't see me, did they?

They did, but they rolled with it.

I m*rder*d Josh.

You just don't know how bad it was.

I do, I was watching.

Did the word "menopause" come out of your mouth at some point?

It may have.

I need some chocolate.

OK.

Oh, honey, there's nothing in your purse except for 300 dollars.

That's 500. That's my half of a stupid bet Bobby made.

No, this feels like 300.

My brother sold pot for six years. So...

All right! If Bobby wants to play rough, then I'll play rough.

Get my flats.

Oh, chocolate!

One, two, three.

All right, let's go! Come on!

Put it on my tab.

Oh, yeah, remember how we talked about how you don't have a tab?

Yup, that's why I just started one.

OK. Remember how we talked about just saying the word "tab" doesn't mean you've magically created one?

Right.

Hey, thanks for this.

So I set up that tee-time for tomorrow.

It's gonna be us against two other dudes.

Can we please not bet this time?

I really don't like the pressure.

Betting takes the pressure off.

I don't think that's true for anyone.

[Cell phone rings]

Hey, Andy. It's Andy.

I got that.

What do you mean she stole them?

You saw nothing.

Oh, Josh, don't be sad.

Why don't you go to the gym?

That always cheers you up.

Well, go again and just do abs.

And remember, who is an amazing person?

Oh, thanks, but I was talking about you.

OK, call me later. Bye.

You dumped him.

Why are you taking his calls?

I might've called him.

I'm the one who hurt Josh, so I feel like I should help him through this.

[Cell phone rings]

Excuse me.

If you answer that, I will break your nose with my forehead.

Ignore.

You think you're being nice to that boy, but you're not.

If you keep talking to him, he will never move on.

No, no! She's doing it perfectly.

You're leaving a trail of bread crumbs leading back to your door.

Where the hell did you come from?

Shh. Barb's talking.

Trust me, one night, one night very soon, you'll be sitting in your bedroom, sipping a glass of wine, perhaps enjoying some chocolate...

Then you'll hear the "plink, plink"...

[stones hitting window]

... of little stones hitting your window. [gasps]

"What's that?"you'll wonder.

And, heart racing, you'll go look.

And there, standing on your lawn, you'll see him.

A desperate, broken boy, crying in the rain.

Begging for your love.

Jules, I love you!

[Chuckling]

Oh, there isn't a woman in the world who can resist the scent of wounded boy.

Oh, God! That is horrible.

And frankly, Barb, I would never be turned on by that.

It hurts.

Let me make it better.

[Josh makes beeping sounds]

Morning.

I just said "I love you" in Morse code.

Oh, God.

[Ellie] Jules!

Why isn't my coffee made yet?

Stay up here.

Morning.

You totally had sex last night!

How did you know?

I'm your best friend.

I know these things.

Plus, there's a condom wrapper on your back.

Oh. Is it just the one?

Good God, Jules!

I had to sex away his tears!

Well, where is he?

[Door opens]

Hey, Travis.

[Travis] Josh.

Let's make a real effort to wear shirts around each other. OK?

Sure. Hey, do you think your mom likes me?

Just woke up, dude.

Josh, I'm so glad that you're back.

Thank you, Mrs. Torres.

Don't forget the concert tonight's outdoors, so we can have a picnic.

You bring the cheese, please, I'll bring the nosh, Josh!

And now I'm rhyming.

I hate myself.

Oh, my God!

When did I start dating him again?

It's just like Sister Katherine used to say: "Never have sex with someone you don't love.

It's dirty and you'll burn in hell."

Where is Travis?

He should be hearing this.

Relax. Do you know how many people I've slept with that I didn't love?

Like, 20. Twenty-one, if you count the first six years with Andy.

[Doorbell]

Can I please have my golf clubs back?

Just pay up.

You give him his clubs back!

Andy! Apologize and go home.

Right. Sorry, Jules.

They're in the garage, aren't they?

Nope.

Whoa!

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Aw, nuts.

I'm glad you got stuck with the kiddy clubs.

Now we can call that bet off.

Whoa!

Pump your brakes, Negative Nancy.

I told the guys that I'm gonna play with these and I doubled the bet.

The plan is fool-proof.

I'm not sure you have a firm grasp of what that term means.

Hey, what the hell is that?

Ellie wouldn't let me put it up in our house.

Unacceptable.

Pretty boy doesn't wanna play, then put me in.

Unfortunately, little buddy, G-Man's got more game than you.

All right, whatever you say.

Hey, hey, hey! You're still my caddy.

The man behind the man.

And I'm back!

Did you nail this in?

I didn't want anyone to steal it.

Maybe I don't have to break up with Josh.

I mean, he barely snores, and he is good at stomping on cockroaches.

Plus, he's so young.

I mean, when I'm 100 he'll be, like, 40, and then he could just carry me around and stuff.

Why are you such a wuss?

I just am, Ellie.

I think it's endearing.

When I need to end it with a guy, I just sleep with his best friend.

Or his brother. Brothers are good 'cause if the guy was hot, chances are the brother'll be hot.

Friends are a crapshoot.

Why don't you two have a competition to see who could be less helpful?

Fine. If you wanna do this right, you have to smother any hope the boy has.

If you leave a single piece of string for him to hold onto, he's gonna use it just to climb right back into your life.

You have to assassinate him.

Yes.

Oh, why can't Josh just be in a coma like Francis?

I don't know, sweetie.

Aw! Choked it.

[Glass shatters]

At least you don't look stupid.

Man, my stomach's acting up.

It's all squirrelly.

Like I'm hungry, but opposite.

It's called "nerves," dip-stick.

'Cause we're about to lose a 1,000 bucks.

Now listen, I really don't think we should do this.

I'm so sorry for putting you in this position, truly.

But I need this cash. Bad.

Yeah?

Yeah.

All right then. I got your back.

And we're gonna be just fine.

What's the worst that'd happen?

You lose your boat, so what.

You crash at a friend's place.

You got a spare room?

Not my place. But come on now, let's see this. Come on!

Whoo!

Bingo!

Very nice!

Oh, good, you guys are bonding. [laughs]

Back off, man. I'm warning you.

[Doorbell]

Oh, hi, Bobby.

Hey, J-Bird.

The Cobbster just rocked it with some kiddy clubs, so here's your money.

Thank you.

What's wrong?

Josh is on his way over.

He told me he loved me, so I have to break up with him.

I do, right?

Yeah, but so what?

He's young. He's handsome.

He's got tall hair.

He'll get over it in, like, a day.

Excuse me, did you not see the outfit?

Fine, maybe a week.

Better answer.

When you and I were married, it wasn't perfect, but...

Sometimes it was perfect.

Bobby, just take what I'm giving you.

But still, I always knew that you could roll with the punches.

But now, if I date someone, I have the chance of really hurting them.

It's just so scary.

That is incredibly lame.

What?

You afraid of hurting some pretty kid's feelings.

Let me tell you about some real fear.

I'm hustling my ass off just to keep a boat over my head.

And you, you're smart, you're tough, you started your own business, you'll always be fine.

What am I going to be doing 30 years from now?

Teaching a couple golf lessons and trying to scam enough money so I can buy a six-pack of whatever space-beer people are drinking?

That's fear.

Did I sound pissy?

'Cause I wanted to sound pissy.

Bobby, you're gonna be fine.

You really think so?

Mm-hmm.

'Cause if you say it, I might actually believe it.

I really think so.

Thank you.

Any time.

Catch you later, gator.

Hey, babe.

Don't love you, never will.

Tough cookies! Bye.

[Josh] But...

Wow!

No.

When did you get here?

I don't know. About halfway through your ex's sob story.

Boo-hoo! I'm getting wine.

Me, too.

Thank you.

So, your second-first break-up.

How do you feel?

A little gassy.

But you were right.

The last thing you wanna do is keep that door open.

If you give a guy any strings to hold onto, you just know he'll cling to them forever.

[Exhales]

She was so cool.

And now she's gone.

Yes, she's a very mean lady.

Let me look at you. Oh, oh!

Such pretty tears from such a beautiful boy.

You deserve better.

How's that feel?

Kinda nice.

How about that?

Oh.

Yeah.

Barb's gonna take good care of you.