07x30 - Trump & Election Results

[bunniefuu]

Hi there!

Welcome to the show!

Still coming to you from this

Blank void, which I don't think

Is purgatory, but I can't prove

Otherwise.

And we're going to jump straight

In with our main story tonight,

Which unfortunately, for the

Second week in a row, concerns

The election we just had.

And believe me, I'm just as

Disappointed as you about that.

I'd much rather spend tonight

Talking about this rare turtle

Found in west bengal.

Look how yellow it is!

It looks like it got into some

Trouble with the turtle mafia

And is now trying to disguise

Itself as a peanut m&m.

It looks like it went to a

Costume party dressed as "the

Less healthy part of the egg."

According to experts, "the rare

Color of the turtle is

Attributed to the deficiency of

Pigment called tyrosine," but

According to me, you can go

Ahead and drop that little

Factoid in a file labeled "who

Gives a shit" because look at

How f*cking yellow that turtle

Is!

We could've done this whole show

About this shiny, cheddar cheese

Mistake, but instead, we have to

Talk about this assh*le.

Because in normal times, the

Loser of a presidential election

Would simply acknowledge they

Lost and the country would get

To move on.

But as of our taping on

Saturday, a full week after the

Election was called, trump is

Still refusing to concede the

Election.

And while that's not remotely

Surprising, what has been

Disappointing has been this

Shit.

Secretary of state mike

Pompeo sent shock waves when he

Appeared to dismiss the election

Results.

There will be a smooth

Transition to a second trump

Administration.

We are ready.

What the f*ck are you

Talking about, you business

Grimace?

You're the secretary of state.

You're supposed to forcefully

Denounce coups and look the

Other way if the cia does one in

Central or south america.

That's literally your whole job.

And while some have suggested

Pompeo was joking there, he also

Hasn't yet acknowledged that

Biden is president-elect.

Nor have most republicans.

Mitch mcconnell not only claimed

Trump is "100% within his

Rights" to challenge the

Election results, he went on to

Let's not have any lectures,

No lectures, about how the

President should immediately,

Cheerfully accept preliminary

Election results from the same

Characters who just spent four

Years refusing to accept the

Validity of the last election.

No one

Expected trump to "immediately,

Cheerfully accept" the results.

He's incapable of cheerfully

Accepting anything apart from

Blowjobs, n*zi endorsements, and

The opportunity to scream inside

A stranger's truck.

Whose truck is that?

I'll tell you who definitely

This guy.

It's his truck now.

Honk honk!

And second, while there were

Some on the left in 2016 who

Urged fighting the results,

Hillary formally conceded the

Day after the election, and

Obama had trump in the white

House the day after that.

And yet, republicans are trying

To defend their support for

Trump's indefensible behavior,

With one senior official saying,

"What is the downside of

Humoring him for this little bit

Of time?"

A question that never ends well,

Whether the ones asking it are

Overworked parents who need a

Break or the weimar republic.

So tonight, let's look at just

How weak trump's case for

Overturning this election is and

What real harm humoring him will

Do.

And let's start with the case

Itself, because there are lots

Of accusations and lawsuits

Flying around, and if you're a

Casual viewer of right-wing

Media, you might think, "well,

There must be something here.

They wouldn't be going to all

This trouble over nothing."

But the thing is, they are.

This really is nothing.

And let's start with the

Frequently made claim about dead

Voters.

If your uncle is a nightmare and

You're still friends on

Facebook, you might've seen this

Post claiming there was a list

Of 14,000 dead people who voted

In michigan.

But when cnn picked out 50 of

Those names to do a spot check,

They discovered 37 were dead and

Hadn't cast votes, 5 had voted

But were still alive, and 8 were

Alive but hadn't voted, meaning

Exactly zero were dead people

Who voted.

And yes, that is just a sample,

But if you were at an oreo

Factory and 50 out of 50 oreos

You picked off the line were

Just two rats squished around a

Used condom, you might well not

Risk trusting the next cookie

That comes past you.

The claim of dead people voting

Was also advanced by

Tucker carlson, an '80s

Ski bully who just lost the big

Race, and he went in big on one

Example in particular.

In some ways, it's an

Inspiring story.

The triumph of voting over

Death.

And no one quite embodies that

Story like james blalock of

Covington, georgia.

Mr. Blalock was a mailman for



In 2006.



State records, he was still

Mailing things.

James blalock cast a ballot in

Last week's election.

How did he do that?

Ooh, that's an

Excellent question, you waiter's

Nightmare.

Now that segment got picked up

And circulated by, among others,

Matt gaetz and the trump

Campaign itself.

How

Did that dead man vote?

Maybe his widow has an answer.

He didn't vote.

It was you!

It was me.

Agnes blalock voted using her

Married name, newton county

Confirmed.

Her voter registration was

Signed as "mrs. James e. Blalock

Jr."

And that's exactly how she

Signed her name when she voted

In the november 3rd general

Election.

Who did you vote for?

You don't have to share that.

I voted for the democrats,

For biden.

I see.

And so...

I guess I voted against the

Other one, really.

Okay, so the claim was

Bullshit.

He didn't vote; she did.

And, by the way, not so much for

Biden as against the other one,

Meaning that this 96-year-old's

Approach to the election was the

Pretty much the same as that of



I wonder what else do they have

In common?

Does she also have a collection

Of dank memes and spend five

Hours a day calling bill de

Blasio a bitch on twitter?

I really hope so.

Then there were claims from

Numerous supposed

Whistleblowers.

In fact, lindsey graham,

Leslie jordan's absolute worst

Character, sent a letter to the

Doj asking them to investigate

Particular claims by a postal

Worker in erie, pennsylvania,

Who said in an affidavit

That postmarks were being

Backdated on mail-in ballots to

Make it appear as though they'd

Been collected on election day.

Unfortunately for graham, that

Man later recanted those claims

In the affidavit,

When talking to investigators,

And while he's now insisting he

Stands by it, the really

Important thing to know is, the

Total number of ballots from his

Post office that were postmarked

November 3rd and delivered to

The board of elections later...

So, the maximum number that

Could have had their date

Changed... Was two.

Which is, and this is true, not

The number of votes joe biden

Won pennsylvania by.

But perhaps the strangest

Whistleblower accusation

Involved a poll worker in

Nevada, who fox gave a primetime

Slot to make her claims.

I went out to go for a walk

On my break and I probably had a



Was walking.

Sorry.

I really should have mentioned:

They disguised her identity

By making her sound like

Megan mullally

Undergoing an exorcism.

But I'll let her continue...

Basically, she claims she saw a

Biden-harris campaign van

Outside the polling place with

People handling white envelopes.

Go.

As I got closer, the

Envelopes were being torn open,

There were two men... Or two

People dropping the envelopes,

And two people ripping them up

Open and turning and facing the

Van and drawing on them or

Marking them.

And as I walked by, I looked and

I thought, "those are ballots."

Okay, I'm just going to

That's either bullshit

Or the dumbest scheme of all

Time.

The biden-harris campaign opened

Envelopes and marked ballots in

The parking lot of a polling

Place in broad daylight against

The side of a van which had

Their logo on it.

That is like if, in

"Ocean's eleven," they showed up

To the casino in a giant "danny

Ocean robbery service" van and

Slowly put on their disguises in

The lobby.

It's the perfect crime!

Also, that woman hasn't yet

Filed a formal complaint.

According to the nevada a.g.'S

Office, all they've received is

A redacted affidavit that

Doesn't contain her name,

Signature, or contact

Information, meaning they have

No way to begin a proper

Investigation.

And that has been something of a

The trump team

Making claims of widespread

Fraud, publicly, but there then

Being a huge dropoff when it

Comes to what they actually file

In court.

In michigan, they submitted a

Lawsuit with 234 pages of

Affidavits from poll watchers,

But those who actually read them

Found that they do not show

Proof of widespread fraud or

Egregious misconduct.

Instead, they're either

Allegations from people who

Don't seem to fully understand

How the vote-counting process

Works, so are questioning pretty

Commonplace things, or they are

Petty bullshit like complaining

People inside the counting room

Were wearing "black lives

Matter" shirts or that election

Workers were opening ballots

With donald trump votes and

Rolling their eyes.

Neither of which are illegal!

And if it helps here, let me

Just head off any future trump

A poll worker

Eating a banana is not evidence

Of voter fraud.

One humming the chorus of

"Uptown girl" is not evidence of

Voter fraud.

Now, wearing a baseball cap

Could be evidence of voter

Fraud, but only if the person

Wearing it is putting valid

Votes into a paper shredder.

If it's just the hat part, that,

Again, is not evidence of voter

Fraud.

And look, I could spend the rest

Of the show debunking stories.

The problem is, it's endless.

The latest claim is that voting

Machines or software changed

Votes, even though this

Government cybersecurity agency

Created by an act that trump

Himself signed... Released a

Statement saying, "there is no

Evidence that any voting system

Deleted or lost votes, changed

Votes, or was in any way

Compromised, " and that " the

November 3rd election was the

Most secure in american

History."

In fact, as of this taping, one

Of the few seemingly legitimate

Cases against anyone for voter

Fraud this year has been this:

Luzerne county officials say,

For the first time in 30 years,

There has been a voter fraud

Arrest.

County detectives say

Robert lynn of forty fort signed

His deceased mother's name on an

Absentee ballot application, and

That's a crime.

Lynn is a registered republican.

Court paperwork shows the

Application was flagged in

September and elections

Officials reported it to county

Detectives.

Yeah, that's one

Person, allegedly trying to

Steal one vote, that was flagged

In september, and the person

Involved was a trump supporter.

And this is not the most

Important thing, but it happened

In a town called forty fort,

Which is just delightful.

Just say the words "forty fort"

Out loud, right now.

Forty fort.

It feels so good in the mouth.

Now, apparently the town was

Named after the original 40

Settlers who built a fort there,

But I call bullshit, because I

Refuse to believe that there

Just happened to be 40 settlers

Who named their fort

"Forty fort" without being fully

Aware of how funny that sounds.

Here's what I think happened:

They built the fort, then one

Settler said, "what should we

Call this place?"

And another said, "who cares?

Let's just name it forty fort."

And everyone justifiably laughed

Very hard and agreed to do just

That.

Then another settler... Who no

One really liked... Said, "wait,

What if someone asks why we

Called it 'forty fort'?

We can't just say we did it

Because we thought it was

Funny."

And everyone quietly muttered,

"Oh, my god, ezekiel, you suck

So much."

So then they said, "okay, if

Anyone asks, we called it forty

Fort because there are forty of

Us.

I mean, there aren't, but who's

Going to call us out on that?

It's f*cking 1770 and most

People can't read."

And that is how forty fort got

Its name.

I will take that story to my

Gravey grave.

And for the record, I have

Exactly as much evidence to back

That up as republicans currently

Do of widespread voter fraud in

This election.

So the allegations here are

Complete nonsense.

And who knows why republicans

Are entertaining this?

Maybe it's to do with the fact

Georgia has two senate runoffs

Coming up and they want to keep

Trump happy so he'll help rally

Voters for them there.

Maybe they're currying favor

With him because they're worried

That he'll be a power broker

Going forward.

I don't know.

What I do know is that the

Answer to the question, "what is

The downside of humoring him?"

Is "a lot," because this

Administration's refusal to

Acknowledge the election's

Outcome means that biden is not

Getting high-level intelligence

Reports and can't access funds

Meant to facilitate his

Transition.

And then, of course, there is

This.

President trump's ongoing

Refusal to concede the race is

Complicating biden's pandemic

Planning.

Until the trump administration

Formally recognizes biden as

President-elect, outgoing trump

Officials can't share critical

Covid vaccine distribution plans

With the incoming biden team.

Yeah.

And that's not great.

With cases spiking to a

Terrifying extent, you really

Want the new team handling the

Pandemic to be able to talk to

The old team... Even if, as I

Suspect, the old team's plan was

Just a single whiteboard in

Jared's office with nothing on

It except for "discover cure?"

Circled five times and a drawing

Of donald trump saying

"Good job, new son."

But the damage of indulging

Trump goes even further, because

It also plays into the grim

Fantasies of embattled trump

Supporters, something expressed

Perhaps most dramatically and

Stupidly by the actor jon voight

In this video that trump himself

Retweeted on wednesday.

My fellow americans, I stand

Here with all that feel, as I

Do, disgusted with this lie that

Biden has been chosen, as if we

All don't know the truth.

This is now our greatest fight

Since the civil w*r.

The battle of righteousness

Versus satan.

Yes, satan.

Let us fight this fight as if it

Is our last fight on earth.

As muhammad ali said, it's not

Over till the last punch you

Have.

Okay, there's a lot

There, from doubling down on

Calling the left satan to saying

"I stand here" when he's clearly

Sitting, to that muhammad ali

Quote, which we could not find

Any record of him saying.

Which does make sense, because

It doesn't really sound like

Muhammad ali.

It doesn't have the rhetorical

Flair of "float like a

Butterfly, sting like a bee," or

The wit of "I'm so mean, I make

Medicine sick."

"It's not over till the last

Punch you have" sounds less like

Muhammad ali and more like a

Blurb on a bootleg vhs cover of

"Rocky iv."

And sure, that's a ridiculous

Video, but the fact is, a lot of

People believe stuff like that.

And when you continually insist

That the election was stolen in

Big cities and suggest that

Remedying this calls for the

Biggest fight since the civil

w*r, things start to get

Deadly serious.

Last thursday, two armed men

Were arrested outside a

Philadelphia convention center

After police had received a tip

About a threat to the

Vote-counting site.

And one of the city

Commissioners in charge of

Ballot counting... A republican,

By the way... Has been

Understandably rattled by the

Chaos engulfing his office.

From the inside looking out,

It feels all very deranged.

It's people making accusations,

That we wouldn't count those

Votes, or adding fraudulent

Votes or just coming up with all

Sorts of crazy stuff.

Accusations like "you are

Cheating."

Yes.

"You are manipulating the

Vote."

Yes.

Or calls to our offices

Reminding us that this is what

The second amendment is for,

People like us.

You're getting calls like

That?

Yes.

That's a not-so-veiled death

Threat.

Yes, for counting votes in a

Democracy.

That's awful.

And trump is playing a dangerous

Game here, because there is a

Huge difference between

"Not my president" and

"Not the president."

And to be clear, people who are

That angry are not riling

Themselves up in a vacuum.

They've been fed a steady diet

Of misinformation, bullshit

Fraud claims, and a victim

Narrative from outlets like

Fox news, newsmax, oan, and most

Importantly, trump himself,

Whose twitter feed this week

Oscillated between breitbart

Articles, nonsense claims that

He won pennsylvania, and one

Lone reply to scott baio, who

You may know from "happy days"

Baby

Geniuses 2," where he starred

Alongside none other than

Jon voight.

I bet they had a lot of fun on

Set, because I guarantee no one

Else did.

And infuriatingly, trump has

Chosen to sow all this chaos

Around the election despite the

Fact that, deep down, he knows

It's over.

Friday afternoon, the final

States were called by most

Outlets, putting joe biden at



Trump's 232.

And during a press conference

Trump held a few hours later, he

Nearly acknowledged reality.

Ideally, we won't go to a

Lockdown.

I will not go... This

Administration will not be going

To a lockdown.

Hopefully the... The, uh,

Whatever happens in the future

Who knows which

Administration it will be?

I guess time will tell.

But I can tell you, this

Administration will not go to a

Lockdown.

Except no, time will

Not tell.

Time has told.

Trump lost this election, and he

Knows it.

And yet, just an hour after that

Press conference, he was

Retweeting voter fraud

Conspiracies again, which is

Pathetic, dangerous, and in many

Ways, an appropriate coda to a

Presidency that has destroyed so

Many lives... Not only of those

That he's att*cked, but also of

Those he's claimed to protect.

So many of us have lost loved

Ones, either because you could

No longer square your love for

Them with their love for him or

Because they fell down a

Mind-melting rabbit hole of

Conspiracy theories that he

Happily perpetuated or because

He let a deadly virus run wild

And it f*cking k*lled them!

And now, as a parting gift to

The country, trump is somehow

Managing to divide us even

Further while also hobbling his

Successor at the worst possible

Time, which is absolutely

Unforgivable.

And yes, the fact trump won't be

President next year is good.

It's really good.

But there's a lot of work to do,

And at least in the short-term,

Things are going to suck for a

While.

But we have to try and repair

This damage.

As a great fighter once said,

"It's not over till the final

Fisting you give."

And now this.

Or some shit like that.

I don't remember anymore.

And now...



The bingo board for 2020 is

Large.

It's like... You know, it folds

Out many times.

It is larger than any game board

In your house.

If you had tigers as being

Controversial on your 2020 bingo

Card, congratulations.

Vin diesel becoming a pop

Star on the 2020 bingo card.

Carol baston competing on

"Dancing with the stars" on your



Good news for anyone who had

A robert kardashian hologram on

Their 2 2020 bingo card.

Who had train runs into whale

On their 2020 bingo card?

Ever had terrorizing turkeys

Under 2020 bingo card, yeah.

Did anyone have a cat vampire

Under 2020 bingo card?

Did you have angry

White house recruits on your



We should just throw the bingo

Cards out at this rate.

Did you have a return of the

Dinosaurs on your 2020 bingo

Card?

If so, bingo.

Moving on.

Before we go, this is our final

Show of the year and we want to

Thank you so much for watching.

Clearly, this has been a dark

Time to be producing a comedy

Show, but incredibly, we've

Managed to have some fun.

We sponsored a marble league, we

Made stamps to help the postal

Service, we turned down this

Magnificent piece of wrapped

Erotica, and wendy williams

Eating a pork chop.

We made a show for cats, I got

In a fight with danbury,

Connecticut, john cena delivered

A message about conspiracy

Theories for us while taking up

His shirt, something... I cannot

Stress this enough... We did not

Ask them to do.

The fact that he did that

Unprompted makes it even

Funnier.

And of course, I spent the whole

Year demanding that adam driver

Demolished me, crush my

Leathernecks, you unwieldy

Boulder.

Explode my... Oh, f*ck.

Oh, shit.

Hey, john.

Wow.

Adam driver.

I can't believe you are calling.

Listen to me.

What the f*ck are you doing?

Excuse me?

This bit, this thing yet that

You are doing that is either

Sexual or v*olence.

The strange, strange but that

For some reason you pulled me i.

What is it?

When you first started doing it,

It was easy for me to start it

Off.

Especially with those

Shoulders, I bet.

Then it kept going on and

On...

You could stroke the

Whole planet...

Stopped talking.

Do you realize come over this

Past year, what you've asked me

To do to you?

Collapse on your chest.

Tell your fingers in a square

Knot.

Step on your throat.

Shatter your knees.

Pull your heart out through your

Ear.

What is wrong with you?

You realize we are strangers,

Right?

I don't know you.

Not random people on the

Internet stan us, claiming that

You thirsting over me is a mood.

A get it.

I'm sick of people stopping

Me on the street and asking if I

Will punch a hole through you

Like a "marriage story" wall.

That's fair.

You should be ashamed of

Yourself because you knew it was

Inappropriate.

From the moment, you were just

Like...

I was having some

Weird fun.

Exactly.

Now you are what?

I'm america's

Naughtiest bitch.

Sure, but more importantly

You are...

I am 6 feet of nasty

"Last week tonight" bird meat?

Sorry.

I'm trying to get you

To say sorry.

I'm sorry, I am

Truly, truly sorry, consider

This bit over.

It is done.

Okay.

It's fine.

Look, it's been a rough year for

Everyone, and I can tell, it's

Really gotten to you.

Sitting alone in your void.

But I think maybe, it might be

Time for you to step out of it

For a bit.

Get up from your chair.

See what the world has to offer.

Explore the space, man.

Who knows?

Maybe you'll even even discover

Some surprises along the way.

Huh, all right, I

Think I might pray just to be

Absolutely clear, though, adam,

Are you giving me

An order?

Sure.

Just... It didn't

Sound like an order.

Explore the f*cking space,

You will follow bone to mr. B

And cosplayer.

Look around you, you un under bd

Gingerbread boy.

Oh, god, that feels

Good.

I hated this.

Goodbye.

I mean, that went

Really well.

You know what, adam driver is

Right and hot and massive, but

He's mainly right.

Because I have been stuck in

This empty void since march and

I'm realizing, I haven't shown

You any of it.

It's actually much bigger than

Just this.

Come with me.

I'll give you a tour.

As you can see, just off camera,

There is more void and a bit

More, and then a bit more after

That.

It is a truly enormous,

Expansive nothing.

And this is where I have been

All year long!

Now interestingly, this boy does

Not conform to normal rules of

Physics.

For example, the desk I've been

Sitting behind this whole time,

It's up there.

Weird, right?

But I have to say, all of this

Does make me a little sad,

Because we used to have an

Audience for this show.

Also, I used to get to see the

Incredible people I make this

Show with, most of whom I miss

Very much.

And three of whom I don't.

Two of you know who you are.

And most importantly, we use to

End our seasons with big stunts,

Just four years ago, I blew up

The year 2016, as if that was a

Very bad year, and it was.

It was terrible.

But this year?

Holy shit.

This has been a lot.

For me, it does not like the

World has somehow both shrunk a.

I don't see anyone, I don't do

Anything, and I have no idea

What's going to happen next.

Speefifteen.

Huh.

A door.

That's new.

Wow.

This might be the last time I

See this blank void.

Well, thanks for everything!

You were really great at being

White, depressing, and

Remarkable empty on the inside!

And that is game recognizing

Game!

Okay.

Let's see what's on the other

Side.

Oh.

That makes sense.

Look, this year has been an

Absolute parade of misery.

In january alone, australia has

Been ravaged by wildfires,

Kobe bryant died, and for a few

Days, it really seemed like

America was about to go to w*r

With iran.

That was all this year.

And that was before the

Coronavirus exploded and

Everything got even worse.

Mass unemployment, evictions,

That video of those celebrities

Singing "imagine."

It was really terrible.

On top of which, this year, so

The deaths of chadwick boseman,

John lewis, and ruth

Bader ginsburg.

Plus, the confirmation of amy

Coney barrett.

I mean, for f*ck's sake, 2020

Made me learn who carole baskin

Is, it made me set up a google

Alert to see if she was ever

Convicted for that thing that we

Are all pretty sure she did.

This year ruined lives, jobs,

Concerts, and sanity.

It brought a new wave of renting

Videos of police brutality that

Brought on a national reckoning

With race and a ferocious and

Depressing backlash, and sure,

The presidential election ended

Well, but it was grim to live

Through.

And trump will not leave office

Until next january.



And I really hope next year is

Going to be better, but the

Truth is, what happens next is

Up to all of us.

It's going to depend how willing

We are to fight, how well we

Learn from what's happened, and

How much we are able to care

About each other.

So I don't know what happens

Next.

But I do know what happens now.

Let tomorrow be about solutions.

Today is about vengeance.

f*ck u, 2020.

Get f*cked.

That's it.

That's our show.

Thank you so much for watching

This year.

We'll be back next february.

Please stay safe until then.

Good night.