03x22 - Charter schools in the United States

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[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[upbeat rock music]

♪♪

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver, thank you
so much for joining us.

Lots to get through this week,
so let's quickly begin

with the Olympics.
Home of sports like

stupid tiny tennis,
inconvenient Frisbee,

and whatever
the f*ck this is.

Now, these games have been full
of thrilling performances,

from Simone Biles
to Usain Bolt,

to the horse that danced
around to "Smooth"

by Santana and Rob Thomas.

[laughter]

♪

That just answered
the question,

how do you simultaneously
undermine the dignity

of both Carlos Santana,
and a horse?

But--but there were
also controversies this year,

from the presence of
the Russian team

in the wake of their
doping scandal,

to an IOC official
being arrested

for alleged ticket scalping,

to the international saga
of Ryan Lochte.

A swimmer who looks like
he's about to play

the John Slattery role
in a porn parody of "Mad Men."

Now, Lochte made
headlines this week

by claiming he,
and three other swimmers,

had been robbed at gunpoint.

And then, made headlines again,

once witnesses, backed up by
security cam footage

from a gas station, revealed
the swimmers had actually

been confronted by
a security guard

after "they broke a soap
dispenser in the bathroom,

damaged a door,
tore down a sign

and urinated around
the premises."

And spare a thought there,

for the soap dispenser.

Seriously? I was already
a gas station mens' room

soap dispenser,
my life was shitty enough,

and now I'm being vandalized
by If-Sting-Was-a-Jock.

[laughter]

And--and while his teammates
were detained by authorities,

Lochte, the purest form
of the chemical element bro,

was--was already back
in America,

offering a bullshit apology.

male reporter:
Lochte posting on social media,

quote, "I want to apologize for
my behavior last weekend--

and "for not being more
careful and candid

in how I described the events
of that early morning."

There is no way he wrote that.

[laughter]

I'm pretty sure that Ryan Lochte
thinks "Game of Thrones"

took place in the late 1800s.

And still doesn't understand
how mirrors work.

Dude, stop copying me!

I'll stop when you stop, bro.

And look, people are
right to be angry here,

because Lochte's behavior wasn't
just shitty and entitled,

he's also ruined himself for us.

Four years ago, he was America's
favorite sweet, dumb merman,

who claimed to have
designed his own shoes,

and described the process
like this...

- These are my shoes,
that I designed,

from top, to the very sole,
to the very top,

to the bottom, uh, laces.

- He couldn't remember all
the parts of the shoe.

[laughter]

And he was standing next to
hundreds of shoes.

And look, the fact that
Lochte is a total assh*le

is not remotely surprising.

It's just that it makes him
a lot less fun now.

So as we say goodbye to
the Rio Olympics,

sadly, we must also
say farewell

to one of America's
favorite idiots.

announcer:
Ryan Lochte,
America's idiot sea cow.

Uh, what I was
always good at,

was letting things go
through, like,

through one ear,
out the other, so to say.

Douchebag,
I don't even know,

what is "douchebag"?

Like, what is it?

You know what,
I always see babies

and the clothes that they wear,

and it's horrendous.

[laughter]

[sighs]
I just blanked out again.

I'm an athletic person.

Whether it's life,
or just swimming,

uh, always do your best.

I swear, I think I'm, like,
the only swimmer

in the world that cannot float.

Oh, s---.

Oh, damn!

Oh, my gosh!

[whoops]

What defines me?

Ryan Lochte.

[laughter]

[applause]

- Moving on.

Our main story tonight,
concerns school.

If Pink Floyd had gone to one,

they'd have known it's
"We don't need any education."

You undermined your point.

Now, it is--it's currently
back-to-school season,

and for millions, the school
they will be attending

will be a charter school.

The things the politicians
love to praise.

- I called for a doubling of our
investment in charter schools.

- I'm a big believer
in charter schools.

- I believe in public
charter schools.

- charter schools work
and they work very well.

- charter schools are so
successful that almost every

politician can find something
good to say about them.

- Yes, charter schools unite
both sides of the aisle

more quickly than when a wedding
DJ throws on "Hey Ya!"

Oh, look at Nana dancing!

We can never let her know
what this song is about.

[laughter]

Charters are basically
public schools

that are taxpayer funded,
but privately run.

And now the first ones
emerged 25 years ago,

as places to experiment with
new educational approaches,

and since then,
they've exploded.

There are now over


educating almost
three million students.

And some have celebrity backers,

like Puff Daddy, Andre Agassi,
and even Pitbull,

who helps--helped launch
Miami's Slam Academy.

He was a keynote speaker
at a charter school conference

in 2013, and his speech
has not aged well

for reasons that will
become painfully clear.

- They told me that, uh,

Bill Cosby has spoken
here before,

which I think is amazing.

Someone that I really relate to.

I also love Jell-O, you know.

[laughter]

- Yes, yes, that does look bad
now, but to be fair,

it was not commonly known
at the time that Jell-O

was responsible for dozens of
cases of sexual as*ault.

Turns out, Jell-O is a monster.

I think I'm legally
okay to say that.

The point is, f*ck Jell-O.

And--and look, when Pitbull
has a charter school,

it seems like it might be worth
taking a look at them.

And first, let me acknowledge,
this is a controversial area.

Charter proponents will point
to positive news stories

like the KIPP
charter schools network.

male reporter:
Most KIPP students are
chosen by lottery,

regardless of prior
academic record,

almost all meet federal
poverty guidelines.

And yet, 82 percent
go on to college.

- I think one thing that I
learned at KIPP really well,

is that a lot of your effort
doesn't reap any, um,

success until way later
in the future.

- Now, honestly,
any philosophy that can get

those kind of results might
be worth considering.

In the same way that, if
we found out that they boosted

our immunity, we'd seriously
consider eating koalas.

[laughter]

But--but critics--critics argue
charters overstate

their successes, siphon off
talented students,

and divert precious resources
within a school district.

Now for this piece,
and I know this is going

to make some people on both
sides very angry,

we're going to set aside
whether or not charter schools

are a good idea in principle,

because whether they are or not,
in 42 states and D.C.,

we're doing them.
So instead,

we're going to look at how they
operate in practice.

On group found, on average,
charters had a slight edge

over traditional public
schools in reading,

and did about
the same in math.

But acknowledged charter quality
is uneven across the states

and across schools.
And that is putting it mildly.

'Cause around the country,
there have been charter schools

so flawed, they don't make it
through the school year.

male reporter:
This charter school

suddenly closed its doors in
the middle of the day.

female reporter:
An Orange County charter school
suddenly closed its doors

without notice.
- A local charter school

is suddenly, and unexpectedly,
closing its doors.

- On our dining room table,
my son left two notes to us,

One says, "Dear Mom, is the
school going out of business?"

Yes, yes, you are right.

That kid spelled business,
"bisnose."

Which I'd argue is a much
better way to spell it.

Now--now that school was
actually shut down

just six weeks into the school
year, so to be honest,

they probably should have been
much better at "bisnose."

And--and charters in some
states can have an alarming

failure rate.
Two years ago,

a Florida paper found that
since 2008, 119 charter schools

had closed there.
Fourteen of which,

had never even finished
their first school year.

So 14 schools in
Florida were outlasted

by NBC's "Mysteries of Laura,"

a show which once ended
an episode like this.

- I have a hot date tonight.

- With who?

- Threesome, actually.

♪♪

[audience jeering]

- That's a threesome joke
about her f*cking children.

[laughter]

It was in the first season,
and they gave her another one.

But the point is,
when schools close that fast,

it's shocking because
you would assume someone would

rigorously screen a school
before it was allowed to open,

making sure it was financially
and academically sound,

but that is not always the case.

Take Florida's Ivy Academies,

which shut down after
just seven weeks,

due to a lack of,
among other things, a school.

female reporter:
The schools are repeatedly
kicked out of their buildings,

shuttled students among
multiple sites,

including the signature Grand
Reception Hall in Davey,

two local churches in Fort
Lauderdale, and Holiday Park.

They also bus students on
daily field trips

because they didn't have
enough classrooms.

- Daily field trips.

How's that even possible?

Surely by day 10,
you've run out of ideas,

and are taking kids to
Marshall's to return a belt.

Hey, pretty--pretty great,
right kids?

I'll probably get store credit,
so put on your adventure hats,

we're about to go on
a magical $12 scavenger hunt.

[laughter]

So how did those schools
get approved?

Well, Florida's charter
process begins with

a lengthy application, and Ivy
Academy's was 400 pages long.

And their founder,
Trayvon Mitchell,

included passages like
this one, beginning,

"Instruction is scaffolded to
provide targeted support

with the goal of
increasing independence."

It goes on, and it sounds great,
but weirdly,

we found this application by
a school called Franklin Academy

in Fort Lauderdale, which
pre-dates that by two years,

and which features
this passage,

which begins,
"Instruction will scaffold,"

and then continues in almost
exactly the same way.

It's basically identical,
but for a few small differences.

Like the Olsen twins,
like, you know,

you know one of them came first,

and then Mary-Kate
plagiarized her face.

[laughter]

Now, that behavior might
not be illegal,

but it's certainly unethical.

Or, if I may quote from
the Ivy Academy handbook,

"You will not plagiarize works
that you find on the Internet.

"Plagiarism is taking
the ideas or writings of others

and presenting them
as if they were yours."

So the application for
Mitchell's school

would also have been grounds
for him getting thrown out

of that school.

And incidentally, that's not the
only thing he may have stolen.

He has since been accused of
spending funds for students

on himself, and is awaiting
trial for grand theft.

And the problem
with the approval process

being too easy is there's a lot
at stake in charter schools.

They get paid on
a per-student basis.

On average, that's about 7,000
dollars for every enrollment.

And that adds up.

Take Philadelphia's
Harambee Charter School,

I know, I know, they named
it a long time ago.

And it's spelled differently,
you f*cking monsters.

[laughter]

Rest in peace.

Now, that school--that
school received

more than five million dollars
in taxpayer money

the same year that
this story emerged.

male reporter:
By day, the Harambee Institute
Charter School

looks like any other,
educating some 450 students

from kindergarten
through eighth grade.

But, by night, the cafeteria
turns into Club Damani,

a bar, that authorities say is
unlicensed and illegal.

[laughter]
- Wow!

A nightclub in
an elementary school

is a recipe for disaster,
because those are

the two most vomit-prone
populations in the world.

They must have had to Febreeze
the shit out of that place.

Now you'll be glad to hear,

that that school's under
new leadership now,

although that might be because
its CEO plead guilty to fraud

for embezzling nearly


from the Harambee Institute.
Rest in peace.

And--and look, you can say
that's an isolated incident,

but it isn't.
In Philadelphia alone,

at least 10 executives or
top administrators,

have plead guilty in
the last decade

to charges like fraud,
misusing funds,

and obstruction of justice.

Which may be why "Philly
Magazine" advises parents,

"don't forget to Google any
schools you're looking at,

"to make sure they weren't once
unexpectedly shut down

or run by a CEO who
pleaded guilty to theft."

All of which speaks to
a general atmosphere

perhaps best articulated
by the state auditor.

- I've said it before,
and I will say it again,

Pennsylvania has the worst
charter school law

in United States.

- That is not good.

Because it is not like having
the worst something

is new for Pennsylvania.
Remember,

this is that state that has
the worst football fans,

the worst bell,
and the worst regional delicacy.

Yes, if I wanted Cheez Whiz
on my steak sandwich,

I'd eat at Kiddie Cafeteria, the
restaurant run by 6-year-olds.

[laughter]

And--and I'm not even sure
Pennsylvania deserves

to be called the worst,
because Ohio's charter law

was, for decades, so lax,
even charter advocates

have called it "the wild west."

The state has around


and their governor,
John Kasich,

speaks often about how much he
loves choice and competition

in schools.

- We will improve
the public schools

if there's a sense
of competition.

Just like a pizza shop
in a town,

if there's only one, and--and
there's not much pepperoni

on it, you can call until
you're blue in the face.

The best way to get
pepperoni--more pepperoni

on that pizza, is to open
up a second pizza shop.

And that's what's going
to improve our public schools.

[laughter]

Okay. Okay.

That doesn't work on any level.

First, no one has ever
called it a "pizza shop."

Second, it's a little hard
to hear the man who just

defunded Planned Parenthood talk
about the importance of choice.

Third, there's such a
thing--there is such a thing

as paying for extra pepperoni
like a normal person.

And finally, the notion that
the more pizza shops there are,

the better pizza becomes,
is effectively undercut

by the two words, Papa Johns.

[laughter]

But--but Ohio's charters
have had huge problems

with lack of oversight.

A review of one year's
state audits

found charters "misspent public
money nearly four times

more often than any other type
of taxpayer-funded agency."

And some cases are incredible,
like that of Lisa Hamm,

a school superintendent who
was accused of spending money

for her school on
"spas, jewelry, luggage, plays,

veterinary care...and trips to
Europe and to see..."Oprah'."

She took a plea deal
without admitting guilt,

but not before delivering
this fantastic explanation.

- Proverbs says without vision,
people perish.

And it's very important for

people to have a vision
for their own lives,

and, in order to do that,

they need to experience
what's possible in life,

and in order to transfer
that to the children,

they have to experience
it themselves.

[laughter]
- That is amazing.

She's just spouting
a bunch of vague bullshit

about inspiration,
crossing her fingers,

and hoping people
will buy it.

And you know what,
when you put it like that,

I feel like she has
learned a lot from Oprah.

Money well spent.

Oh, and incidentally,
for the record,

when she quoted Proverbs, saying
"Where there is no vision,

the people perish." See, she's
leaving out the very next line,

which is, "but he that keepth
the Law, happy is he."

And that's a f*cking
important caveat.

[laughter and applause]

And what's crazy is,

there are ways to profit
off of charter schools

perfectly legally in Ohio, and
there have been for years.

Look at this episode of
"Frontline" from 2000.

male reporter:
By law, charter schools
must be non-profit,

but the schools can hire an
educational management company,

or EMO, to run the school.

And the EMO can try
to make a profit.

Brennan calls his EMO
White Hat Management.

- Education is first, last,
and always a business.

If it's run like a business,
it can be done profitably.

- Yes, education is first, last,
and always a business,

take the L off the word
learning, and what do you got?

Earning. Take the E off it,
what do you got then?

Arning. Yeah, sure, that's not
a word, but it could be

in one of our English classes.

[laughter]

Now, that man's company,
White Hat Management,

worked under contracts where
each charter would pay


of its government funding

to White Hat, which,
as a private company,

isn't obligated to provide
the same level of transparency

as, say, a school district.
So taxpayers could have

little idea how that money
was being spent.

And who can say if that's
a good system or not.

All I know is, White Hat
ran 32 of the lowest performing

schools in the state.

And if you do essentially
the same terrible thing

more than 30 times in a row,

you're not a management company,

you're basically Billy Joel's
Greatest Hits, Volume 2 and 3.

[laughter]

And at this point,
you may be thinking,

charters were completely
unmonitored,

but that is where
you'd actually be wrong,

because they're approved
and overseen

by what are called authorizers.

And while some states sharply
limit who can be an authorizer,

Ohio allowed
many different groups,

including non-profits,
to do it.

Meaning, well,
let's say I wanted to open

the John Oliver Academy
for Nervous Boys.

[laughter]

And--and let's say,
I had a pre-existing non-profit

called Johnny's Kids.

That could have potentially
overseen my school.

And that basically happened.

Take the Richard Allen
chain of schools in Ohio,

who's president was a woman
called Jeanette Harris.

They were overseen
by Kids Count,

a non-profit founded by
Jeanette Harris,

which oversaw the schools as
the spent a million tax dollars

on management and consulting
firms founded by,

what for it...
Jeanette f*cking Harris.

Now, Harris denies
a conflict of interest,

because she claims she
wasn't directly involved

in decision-making.
And maybe, maybe,

the schools just
chose Kids Count,

because it had a proven track
record of great oversight.

So let's--let's just check in
on one of the other schools

they oversaw.

- A local charter school padded
its attendance records

resulting in more than a million
dollars in extra money.

female reporter:
State auditors interviewed
students and staff,

their findings show that
on any given day,

there would only be about 30
students in the building,

a fraction of the reported


- Oh, it gets worse, because
when an auditor looked into it,

they found Kids Count
had done

"the legal minimum
oversight required."

Which, I would argue,
suggests a problem

with the legal minimum.

Because 30 kids showed up,

and the school claims
they had 450,

which doesn't speak well
of an oversight group

calling itself Kids Count.

[laughter]

Now--now Ohio has passed
a new law,

to try and clean up some of
the problems you've seen,

but serious damage
has already been done.

And incredibly,
there is one more way

that charter schools
around the country

have been allowed to run wild.

'Cause we haven't even
mentioned online charters yet.

They serve 180,000
students and,

even if they just get
the average $7,000 per student,

that's over a billion
dollars in taxpayer money

going to cyber charters
annually.

And some have
an attendance system

you would not f*cking believe.

female reporter:
Sometimes, kids aren't counted
absent until they have failed

to log on for five days
in a row.

And some are never
required to attend class,

but the state still
requires the schools

to report attendance.

So most just report
a hundred percent,

even though that's not really
what's going on.

- That's just crazy.

You're basically
giving kids a box

containing video games,
pornography, and long division,

and claiming a hundred percent
of them chose the right one.

And--and look, some kids might
need online education,

but it has got to
be monitored better,

because one major
study found,

compared to kids in
traditional public schools,

"students in online charters
lost the equivalent of 72 days

of learning in reading,"
and 180 days "in math

during the course of
a 180-day school year."

And 180 minus 180 is,
as those kids might put it,

three.
[laughter]

Now, charter advocates
will tell you

that even they are concerned
about online schools.

And they'll argue some states
have much better oversight

than the ones that we've seen,
and that is true.

Though, for the record,
some may even be worse.

One charter researcher
told Ohio,

"Be very glad that
you have Nevada,

so you are not the worst."

Which I believe is the motto on
Nevada's state license plates.

But the point is, we don't even
have time to get into Nevada.

And advocates will argue
all these closings

show accountability in action.

Just like in business,
bad schools close,

but there's a f*cking
problem there.

As one former charter
school employee explains.

- This isn't just
a regular business,

this isn't a restaurant that
you just open up,

you serve your food,
people don't like it,

you close it, and you move on.
This is education,

this is students are getting
left in the middle of the year

without a school to go to.

So I just think that there
needs to be some filter

as to who's opening
up these charter schools.

- Exactly. The problem with
letting the free market decide

when it comes to kids,

is that kids change faster
than the market.

And by the time it's obvious
a school is failing,

futures may have been ruined.

So if we are going to treat
charter schools

like "pizza shops,"
we should monitor them

at least as well
as we do pizzerias.

It's like the old saying,

"Give a kid a shitty pizza,
you f*ck up their day.

Treat a kid like
a shitty pizza,

you could f*ck up
their entire life."

And now, this.

narrator:
And now, one final second
of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte

that perfectly encapsulates
his entire personality,

career, and worldview.

- Yeah!

[laughter and applause]

- And finally tonight--
finally tonight,

we turn to Donald Trump.

A r*cist voodoo doll made
of discarded cat hair.

And first--first, let me just
say how truly sorry I am

to have to talk about him again.

I know I've done it
a lot recently,

but, we're gonna be off
the air for a month,

and there are some
things I need to say.

Because just this week,

not only has Trump continued
to struggle in the polls,

his campaign director resigned,

and it seems he's currently
taking advice from Roger Ailes,

a sexually rapacious
hard-boiled egg.

[laughter]

And this feels like a fork
in the road for Trump.

He's either hitting bottom, from
which he'll rebound to victory,

or it's the beginning
of the end.

So, let's look at his options.

'Cause obviously losing
would be disastrous,

because his entire brand
is built around not doing that.

- I know to win, that's what
I've been doing all my life

is I've been winning.

I don't do anything
unless I win.

I have a winning temperament,
I know how to win.

Because my whole life
I've been winning.

My whole life has been
about winning.

- He's like an alien attempting
to impersonate a human,

but his only research
was watching

Charlie Sheen interviews.

[laughter]

And the problem is,

Trump wouldn't just
be losing any election,

he'd be losing it
to Hilary Clinton.

And that wouldn't just
be off-brand,

it would be brand-destroying.

And he knows it.

- Wouldn't that be embarrassing?

To lose to crooked
Hilary Clinton?

That would be terrible.

- Yes, exactly.

It would be humiliating
to lose to a candidate

who's trustworthiness
is doubted by 60 percent

of registered voters.

That's nearly two-thirds.

Statistically,
Clinton is trusted

by just one of
the John Mayer trio.

Which is insane,
because by definition,

two of the John Mayer trio,
to some extent,

trust John Mayer.

[laughter]

Now, the other option
is Trump resets,

comes from behind,
and wins.

And I would argue,
that's even worse for him.

Because then he actually has
to run the country,

and that means living in
government housing,

conversing with
fully-clothed women,

and traveling in
a plane that

doesn't even have his
name on it.

Just this week, he tried
to seem more presidential

by apologizing, and distributing
disaster relief,

and he looked miserable.

And that's pretty much all
that being president is.

And that is why
I'd actually like to address

the rest of this segment
directly to Donald Trump.

And, I know that you're
watching, Donald,

because you watch everything
that's said about you.

I'm pretty sure you sleep
in a tanning bed,

made out of TVs playing cable
news talking about you.

That--that is an actual photo,

taken in an actual nightmare.

[laughter]

It seems that you have two
really bad options here.

If you keep going, you're going
to spend the next 11 weeks

ramping up hatred in speeches,

injecting poison into
the American bloodstream

that'll take
generations to remove,

and denying the country
the contest of ideas

that a presidential campaign
should actually be,

and after that,
you're either going to win,

or you're going to lose,

and I think both those scenarios
end pretty badly for you.

Which is why,
Mr. Trump...Donny,

[laughter]

Doniel. I would like to propose
to you a third option,

and that is...drop out.

Simply drop out,
and tell America,

this entire candidacy
was a stunt.

A satire designed to expose
the flaws in the system,

and the thing is, you could
actually make a fairly

decent case for that.

Because although your campaign
was the political equivalent

of a bigoted clown's
blazing funeral pyre,

you have accidentally made
upwards of four good points

during this campaign.

Last year, when your
opponents criticized you

for donating to democrats,
you said this:

- Before two months ago,
I was a businessman,

I give to everybody,
when they call, I give.

And you know what,
when I need something from them,

two years later,
three years later,

I call them,
they are there for me.

And that's a broken system.

- You're right.

Any system that requires phone
calls to and from you,

is completely shattered.

You--you are like
the chaplain at Disney jail.

If I'm talking to you at all,

something has gone
horribly wrong.

But it is powerful,

hearing a candidate expose our
campaign finance systems

so completely.
Just as it was powerful

to watch you expose
the flaws of the media,

while still exploiting them.

- They say that I've had two
billion dollars' worth

of free air time.

- The free air time comes
in some part,

because of the controversies
that you've generated.

- Perhaps.
- Is that why you did it?

- Well, I guess it might
be a little bit.

- I--I can't even blame
you for that.

You're essentially saying,
you seem to like dumpster fires,

I'm basically a pile of oily
trash and a match,

let's f*cking dance.

[laughter]

And that--that might be.

That might actually be
your wisest insight since

you encouraged your Twitter
followers to love thine enemy.

You didn't use those words,
exactly, of course.

What you said was,

"Every time I speak
of the haters and losers

"I do so with great
love and affection.

They cannot help the fact that
they were born f*cked up!"

[laughter]

But that sentiment was,
in its own way,

Christ-like.

And you could even argue,

you've effectively exposed
the lengths to which

politicians will go to appease
their party's base,

because, think about it.

Top republicans refuse to
withdraw their support for you

even after you've feuded with
the Gold Star parents,

seemingly insinuated that g*n
activists could assassinate

Hilary Clinton,
and encouraged Russia

to hack your opponent's emails.

All these politicians would
have stuck by you

if you slapped the 6-year-old
orphan of a dead veteran

with a giant blunt while
yelling "legalize it,"

and eating a bald eagle burrito.

[laughter]

But perhaps most powerfully
of all, Mr. Trump,

Don...Donathan.

You didn't just expose the flaws
in our political system,

you ex--you exposed
the flaws in us.

Just think about how
triumphant it would feel

to say on national television,

"I openly ran on a platform
of impossibly ignorant proposals

steeped in racial bigotry
and nobody stopped me.

In fact, you
embraced me for it.

What the f*ck was that about?"

That would be one of the most
powerful political speeches

of all time.
I'm telling you,

if you drop out in order to
teach America a lesson,

you would not be a loser,
you would be a legend.

There would be a federal
holiday in your honor,

and it would be called

Guy-Who-Decided-Not-
To-Be-President's Day.

And it would be
the greatest day ever.

And look, I know this
sounds far-fetched,

you're probably wondering how
it would all even work.

Well, what if I told you

there was a foolproof
instruction manual?

You'd be interested, right?

Now what if I told you this
instruction manual

was written at
the fifth grade reading level?

You'd be very interested, right?

[laughter]

Well, guess what.

We found this 1996 book
for children

called "The Kid
Who Ran For President,"

and believe me,
this is basically about you.

It's the story of Judson Moon,

a charismatic, somewhat bored,
class clown

who runs for president
as a joke.

And some of his character traits
might ring a bell.

He refers to his potential
spouse as "The First Babe."

And he says, "My job as a
candidate for the highest office

in our nation, is to come up
with good quotes."

Which I'm sure reminds
you of someone.

- I know words,
I have the best words.

- Exactly.

Now, it is worth noting
that Judson Moon

expressed his idea
using 18 words,


and a subclause,

while you just said,
"I have the best words."

But the point is,
it's basically the same idea.

Now, like you,
the kid soon realizes

that he can basically
propose anything,

and a certain segment of
the population will buy into it.

And I know that you are
not much of a reader,

which is why we got Will Arnett
to record the book's description

of the kid's first campaign
speech. Just take a listen.

Arnett:
"My first official act as
President of the United States

"will be to abolish homework,
now and forever!

"A huge roar of approval went
up across the auditorium.

"It was pandemonium.

"I paused to allow them to
calm down a little.

"I didn't want to incite
a riot or anything.

"'No more homework! No more
homework! No more homework!'

"chanted the school as one.

"The dumbest guys seemed
particularly happy,

"fist bumping me
and saying stuff like,

'awesome, dude.'"

- You hear that? You hear that?

If you replace the words,
"no more homework,"

with "build that wall,"

that's basically every single
one of your rallies.

But wait, but wait,
there's more.

The kid soon realizes,

he's riding something that
he can't control,

and he bemoans the fact that he
could tell his supporters

that he earth was flat
and that they'd agree with him.

Does that sound familiar?

- I could stand in
the middle of Fifth Avenue

and sh**t somebody,
and I wouldn't lose any voters.

Come on, the parallels are
f*cking uncanny here.

Now--now granted, this fictional


sounds vastly more
reasonable than you,

an actual 70-year-old man,

but you get my point here.

And here is where we get to the
stuff that you can actually use.

Because despite the kid's best
efforts to sabotage himself,

he's actually elected president,
and that is when,

shocked and disgusted by his
fellow Americans, he resigns,

and delivers
the following speech,

which you could basically
deliver word-for-word.

Arnett:
"I have a question for
the grown-ups of America...

"Are you out of your minds?

"Are you expecting me
to enforce the constitution?

"I never even read it.

"I was absent from
school that day.

"You want me as Commander in
Chief of the armed forces?

"What if somebody att*cked
the United States?

"Would you really
want me in charge?

"America must be
in really bad shape

"if you elected me president.

"You better get it together and
find some qualified people

"to run this country, or we'll
all be in big trouble."

- That is a perfectly
Trumpian address.

It's a negation of
responsibility,

an implication of everyone
else's stupidity,

and it's a threat.
And if you steal it,

you'll even be passing
off someone else's

speech as your own,
which I know,

is kind of a thing for
your campaign.

This is it, Donald.

This book is your only way out

from two equally
unappealing scenarios.

And I'm even willing to
help you out myself here,

with a certain amount of
personal sacrifice.

'Cause I have never wanted you
to appear on this show.

I believe I have said, "You will
never be invited here."

But I'm willing to invite you,

if you are willing
to deliver

that exact speech
to the nation.

And to make you feel at home,

we've even built that weird
black and gold podium

that you used at
the republican convention.

Remember? The creepy one that
looks like the podium

the Empire would use to announce
it's going to strike back.

So Mr. Trump, Don, Dondrew,

back in February,
I stood here,

and I called you a two-bit
bullshit artist

conning America to help himself.

Please, prove me wrong.

And show yourself to be
a three-bit bullshit artist

conning America to help America.

Embrace your destiny
as the real-life

"Kid Who Ran For President"
for all of our sakes.

That is our show,
we'll be back September 25th.

Good night!

[cheering and applause]

[patriotic music]

audience:
USA! USA! USA!

Lochte:
Yeah!