04x09 - A Little Romance

[bunniefuu]

I think it was either William Shakespeare or Sting

who said, "Love is blind.

Love is madness. Love is reason without reason."

Personally, I agree. Love is nuts!

And don't take my word for it,

just take a look at some lovers in love.

The first thing you'll notice is altered vision.

Is there an eye doctor in the house?

Then the pulse rate increases rapidly...

and you don't need a stethoscope to dig that crazy b*at.

And finally, there's the full brain blowout.

Once you get to that point, don't bother calling EMS.

You're gone.

So when you're in love,

strange things happen to all sorts of body parts,

and there's no preventive medicine.

You have no control over how it happens, when it happens,

or who it happens with.

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Just do it ♪

Too long.

Too junior high.

Too Barbie.

[thud]

Hi, Sam.

Hey, Clarissa.

Sam, what are you doing here?

I thought you were going out with Lindsey Flingfield tonight.

I did. We're done. She's home. I'm here.

Wow! Speed dating. What went wrong?

I don't know. I never know.

All I said was, "Let's go climb the water tower

and watch for UFOs."

That sounds fun.

Next thing I know she's got to wash her hair.

The old hair-washing excuse. What's her problem?

Beats me.

I wouldn't mind so much if it was just her problem.

But it's the same with every girl.

I always say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing.

I don't think it's you, Sam.

What are you saying?

Every girl I've gone out with is a loser?

No. You just haven't found the right one yet.

There's one? What if she lives in Helsinki?

I'll never meet her.

Maybe you'll luck out and meet a local girl.

Like who?

Well, for starters, someone who likes to do,

well, the kind of stuff we like to do.

Yeah, okay.

Someone you can talk to...Sure.

With a mind of her own...Uh-huh.

Who likes you. She's got to be out there.

I guess, but she better show up soon

before I wind up onLove Connection.

It takes time, Sam.

You're not the kind of guy you get to know overnight.

It didn't take us a long time to get to know each other.

Yeah, but we're different.

That's for sure.

Just because we've had a chance to get to know each other.

Yeah. Maybe you're right.

Sam?

Sam.

I'm sorry. What were you saying?

Listen, I was thinking

if you're not doing anything tonight,

wanna go climb the water tower?

And look for UFOs?

Sam, you know I don't believe in UFOs.

Let me get my camera.

This cast is so itchy, it's driving me nuts.

Marshall, are you up already?

I thought you were still sleeping.

Ahh...

No. I can't sleep.

Every time I close my eyes,

I keep reliving my accident over and over.

Major bummer.

It's an occupational hazard.

You told me you were gonna watch out.

Well, Janet, I designed the place.

I have to oversee the construction.

There I am at the fry-fel tower.

The fry-fel tower.The fry-fel tower.

The biggest French fry palace west of Paris.

I'm on the fourth level overlooking the arc de ketchup.

Suddenly, something goes wrong.

Oh, you can say that again.

They start to lift this giant sign that says...

"Betcha can't eat just une."

That's the one. And suddenly...

It swings towards you!

My knees turn to jelly,

but I can't get out of the way of time!

Ka-blam!Ka-blam!

Ka-blam!

Who can sleep?

Oh, I wish I could get out of here for a while.

I'm starting to go stir-crazy.

I'd be happy to drive you anywhere you wanna go, Dad.

Just give me the keys.

Ha ha! Funny!

Those look good. Can I have one?

Not unless you like clay.

Oh. I like natural foods, but you know.

My preschoolers made them at the children's museum.

They're nut dishes.Nut dishes.

Who uses nut dishes these days? They went out with doilies.

What's a nut dish?

Marshall, don't spy on the neighbors!

I'm not spying. I'm just looking out the window.

And into their window.

What's going on?Oh. You missed it, Sport.

Big fight at the Soapersteins's last night while you were out.

Well, Ned and Edna may have a few things to work out,

but it's none of our business.

Yeah, your mother's right, kids.

I couldn't agree more. Besides, it looks pretty quiet to me.

Yeah, where are the kids?

Oh, Ned Junior and Elsie got to go to Greece

with their grandmother.

I hope Ned Junior remembers to bring me back

a piece of the Parthenon.

Oh. There's Ned in the garden now.

Ooh! He looks pretty upset.

Yeah.

What's that in the bag?

Looks like he's burying something.

Oh, it's fertilizer.

Fertilizer.

But what kind of fertilizer?

You know, dead things make good fertilizer.

You ought to know.

I'm sure there's a simple explanation.

Why don't you just ask him?

Well, guys, I'd love to stake out the Soapersteins

as much as anyone, but I've got a life.

[thud]

Hi, Sam.

Hey, Clarissa, you ready?

Almost, just give me a minute.

Man, I can't believe we're actually going down

to the university to check out the flight simulator.

I hear it's really...

Really what?

Really, um...

I'm sorry. What was I talking about?

The flight simulator.

Oh, it's at the university.

You said that.

I did? That's funny.

Yeah. Hysterical.

So when did you start wearing perfume?

I don't know.

I wear it sometimes when I feel like it.

So what about this flight simulator?

Oh, it's really cool.

You get up to around , feet

and swoop down under incoming fighters,

unless there's an oil rig below.

This flight simulator sounds just like a video game.

No, it's nothing like a video game.

It's...

Okay, it's exactly like a video game.

Aah!What happened?

These things are tricky.

Sam, are you feeling okay?

What? Me? Sure. Why?

Sam...

Okay, I don't know how to bring it up,

but I've been thinking about what you said.

Said about what?

About me finding a girl.Yeah.

And I think I've found a girl I like.

Great! Who is she? No, wait. Don't tell me.

Let me guess.

Cara Kaiserseed, that new girl?

No.

This girl I've known forever,

and she definitely scores big on my magic check list.

That girl with the hair extensions

that sits behind you in chemistry?

Emily Lippincott? No way.

This girl has her own hair. And I know she likes me.

Oh, I know who it is.

Yeah?

Gillian Novak.

No. You know her. You know her really well.

You really understand her.

Really?

Who are you talking about?

It's you.Me?

Me!

So what do you think?

I think well... I think...

[knock on door]

Hey, Sport, mind if we come in?

Oh, Dad, Ferguson. Uh... sure. What's up?

Plenty.

Okay, look through here and tell me what you see.

All right.

I see two moving men and a trunk.

Can you read the label?

Oh, this is silly, Ferguson.

Did I hobble all the way up here to read a luggage tag?

Well, maybe from where you're standing.

Move over.

Greed. We have to find out where the trunk is going.

Can't make it out.

This is awful.

Edna Soaperstein's been missing too many days.

You know, if it goes overseas, it's out of our jurisdiction.

Jurisdiction?

They've got dogs at the airport to sniff out that stuff.

It could go by boat.

Clarissa.

Hey, guys, isn't there another window

you could look out?

No, yours is the best view.

You know, we were kind of talking about something.

Oh, Sport, sorry. Come on, Ferguson.

No.

I don't think a boat would work

because, you know, the passengers would notice.

Not if they preserved it.Yeah, that's true.

Well, come on, Sam,

we don't want to miss our flight,

even if it is simulated.

Clarissa.

What?

What do you mean what? You never really answered me.

Sam, you don't wanna do this.

I'm not the right girl for you. We're friends.

What if it doesn't work out?

We can always be friends again.

That's what you think.

Why not?

I'm telling you. It'll get weird.

You don't know that.

Sam, you're making a mistake.

When I was telling you about a girl to go out with

that knows you as well I did, I don't mean me.

Why not?

Because I'm me and you're you, and that's not us.

Oh, I get it.

No, Sam, I think you're great.

I think you're the greatest guy in the world.

So what's the problem?

Sam, you're a boy, and you're my friend,

but you're not a boyfriend.

That's not the way it has to be.

Sam, what do I have to do to make myself clear?

Go out with me.

Go out? We go out all the time.

Yeah, but I don't mean go out. I meango out.

Go out?

Yeah.

Fine.Fine.

Great.Great.

So, when?

Uh...How about tomorrow?

Okay, tomorrow.

Okay, I guess I'll see you then.

Wait, where are you going? What about our flight simulator?

I can't go out with you before we actually go out.

See you tomorrow.

Well, that was weird.

Sam and me. Me and Sam?

[speaking Italian]

Mamma Mia!

What am I going to do?

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na na na na na ♪

Well, Sam and I went out on our...

We went out. How did go?

It was good. It was bad.

It got ugly.

Things started out pretty normal.

We went to see one of those romantic tear-jerkers.

Men cried. Women swooned.

We liked the part where the car blew up.

Then things started getting funky.

Sam made his move, which made me want to move...

To Alaska.

Finally, when we got back to my house,

he did something I didn't expect.

It was time to say good night,

and that turned into a good night kiss.

What was he thinking?

I said I'd go out, but I never expected him

to go so far so fast.

And what was the kiss like?

Well, I wouldn't say there were fireworks...

and I wouldn't say bells were ringing...

and lightning definitely did not strike.

But Sam really wanted all that fireworks-bells-lightning stuff.

And I mean I feel bad because I care about Sam.

And it's making me wonder if I have,

you know, feelings for Sam.

I mean, like,thosefeelings.

Why did this have to happen?

I count on Sam to make me feel good,

not to make me feel everything.

What a mess!

I wish I was English,

you know, like those guys in those boring British dramas

on public TV.

They always know what they're feeling.

They're never out of control.

Oh, Sam, my good friend.

Yes, my dear, Dear Clarissa.

You know, I am feeling a bit of a stirring.

Really? Is it the crumpets?

No. Hee hee.

Oh, Samuel, you're such a rake.

I'm feeling...

I would say 'tis more than a stirring.

I do believe it's from my heart.

You know, I think that I, in fact,

am feeling a stirring too.

Really?

Really. I noticed it this morning.

I think, in fact, I am yearning for you.

A yearning?

Well, that would be stronger than a stirring.

Quite so, but not as strong as a longing.

And not nearly quite as long.

No, I suppose you've got me there.

I can't eat.I can't sleep.

More tea?Please.

Pray, what do you think is happening?

Could it be love?

I suppose it could very well be.

Think of that.

Instead of knowing what I feel like,

I don't know how I feel at all.

I don't know if Sam's a friend or something else.

I hope he doesn't come around for a while.

I need some time to sort my emotions out.

I want to be calm, cool, and...

[thud]

Aah!

Sam, what are you doing here?

I tried the ladder, you weren't in your room.

Every time I turn around, that ladder, there you are.

Sometimes it makes me so mad.

What are you talking about?Well, I...

Sis, I've been looking for you.

Ferguson, I don't have time right now.

I forgot my flashlight. Here, hold this.

You know, maybe I should come back.

You're too mad.

No, don't go, I'm not mad at you.

What are you then?I'm just upset.

Well, maybe I'm upset too.

You'reupset?

Okay, flashlight, shovel.What are you doing?

Mr. Soaperstein finally left his house.

So I'm going over to check few things out.

I need your help.What help?

You don't expect me to go over there

without a lookout, do you?

Baggies! Evidence!

You know where mom keeps them?

Under the sink and left behind the bucket.

Thanks.

I don't understand why you're so upset about.

I don't understand why you don't understand.

Oh, great.

Well, if you just give me a minute here.

Oh, now you're mad?

Well, you started it.

What do you mean, I started it?

Okay.

I got it. Good call, sis.

Let's go.No.

What?I said no!

By that, you mean n-o.

I mean, no.

Listen, Ferg-wad...All right. All right.

Just let me borrow your magnifying glass.

Just take the magnifying glass.

Where is it?

In the junk drawer in the kitchen.

No, it's not. I looked.

Would you just get out of here?

Oh, yeah. Well, um, uh...

I'll go get it myself.

You know what, this is too weird.

I'm getting out of here.

Great.

Now Sam's yelling at my brother,

and that'smyjob.

And Sam and I aren't even talking.

Help. I'm trapped in a parallel universe.

We asked you in here because we have...

Well, Ferguson has... I think we have some bad news.

Horrifying news.

News that will chill your very bone marrow.

What's this all about?

We have reason to believe that Ned Soaperstein

has done away with Edna.

Done away with her?

Rubbed her out.

Deep-sixed her. Sleeps with the fishes.

Who are you calling? The police?

No. I'm calling Ned Soaperstein.

No! Don't call Ned!

Janet, just hear us out, okay?

Now I was just as skeptical as you are,

but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it,

there are just too many questions

that can't be answered.

What questions?

Where is Edna Soaperstein?

Well, maybe she went on vacation.

Yeah, a permanent vacation.

Take a look out the window.

Do you notice anything different about a particular collie dog?

Sarge? He's tied up.

And why is he tied up?

Because he was digging in the garden.

And why wouldn't Ned Soaperstein want him digging in the garden?

Because somebody might find this!

A gardening glove?

Edna Soaperstein's gardening glove.

The very glove she was wearing when Ned decided

he just couldn't take it anymore.

Mom, will Dad be okay?

I hope so, dear.

All right. Don't believe us.

But when the cops get through digging,

you'll be singing a different tune.

I'll just call Ned.

No!

You're injured! You're stir-crazy!

I am perfectly calm and lucid.

Oh...

Ah! There he is!

Soaperstein! See? See now.

Is that the look of a man

who knows that somebody is watching him?

Someoneiswatching him. We are.

Marshall, you're letting your imagination run wild again.

Hi, Ned!

No! Great.

Now he knows we're watching him.

What's the difference?

Oh, Marshall, do you remember when you thought that

the mailman stole our sweepstakes form

from Publishers Clearing House?

Yeah, well, you know...

Who knows what he's got in that bag?

Uh-huh!

And what about the time

you spotted William Shatner at the Gaseteria?

Now that could have been him.

I mean, the man does drive, Janet.

Ferguson, I think it's time to give this a rest.

Oh, come on, Mom, we've got to call the cops.

I mean, if we don't, somebody else will,

and they'll get the movie-of-the-week rights.

Movie-of-the-week?Yeah.

I can see it now.

Me played by Sean Penn, a cynical, world-weary,

babes-can't-keep-their-hands- off-him kind of guy,

ready to punch out photographers,

giving Madonna the brush, struggling...

Uh-huh!

Fun's fun, Mr. Tough guy,

but your father has to take a nap

and don't you have some homework to do?

Mom!

Get on, Ferguson,

I'll show you my fingerprints

from back when I b*rned my draft card.

Wow.

More nut dishes?

The kids love making them.

How do they work?

Funny.

So do you need any help?

No.

So what are you doing today?

Nothing. I guess I'll just hang around.

I'm figuring , nuts, tops.

Clarissa, what's your fascination

with nut dishes?

Nothing.

Is something the matter?

Nothing major.

Problem at school?No.

Boy trouble?

I don't want to talk about it.

All right. How about a sandwich?

It's Sam, well, not just Sam.

Sam and me, but not like that.

I don't understand.

Me neither. That's the problem.

Why couldn't he leave things alone?

Why did I go out with him?

Oh!

You guys went out?

Yeah, we went out, and now we're fighting.

We never fight.

When I fight with someone,

I'm supposed to talk to Sam about it.

But now who do I talk to?

It's a tough one.

Oh. I just wish everything would go back to the way it was.

So what are you gonna do?

I'll tell you one thing I'm gonna do.

From now on, I'm gonna make sure

that my friends just stay friends.

Otherwise, you can ruin a great friendship.

Well, you two have known each other a long time.

Does he think it's ruined?

I don't know. He didn't really get to say much.

Well, why don't you give him a chance?

I thought you two could talk about anything.

We can. Well, we did.

So maybe we could.

[knock on door]

Sam?

Yeah.Hi, Sam.

Hey, Clarissa.

You know, I'm sorry about the other day.

Uh, yeah. Me, too.

You know, I wanted to talk about...

I know what you mean.

We haven't really talked since that night.

That night.

I mean, I had a good time and everything.

Me, too. Then the next day...

Yeah. Hoo boy!

No kidding.

Look, Clarissa...Look, Sam...

[in unison] You go first.

I don't want to go out with you. Really?

Oh. That's great.

Hey, don't go overboard.

I mean, what a relief.

I feel the same way.

Could we just go back to normal and pretend

the other night never happened?

I felt like I was kissing my sister...

If I had a sister.

That's great...

I think.

You'd have heard me say it

if you'd let me talk the other day.

Really? I'm sorry.

I was just a little... jumpy.

You know, I figured if we got together like that,

there is only two ways it could go.

Yeah. Big-time commitment or big-time breakup.

Look, Sam, there's a zillion dates out there,

but you're not so easy to replace.

You either.

But there is one thing.What?

About the ladder,

I still feel kind of weird just coming up unannounced.

I mean, last time, you ran out of the room.

Maybe I shouldn't use it anymore.

No! Sam, you've always used the ladder.

Maybe we should just work out a signal.

Okay.

How about if I hoot like an owl?

Then if you're doing something, you know, some girl thing,

just bark three times, and I'll wait.

Then when it's clear, just give one long moo.

Or how about this... just call first?

With the phone?Yeah.

Good idea.

Boy, I'm glad we got all this cleared up.

Me too.Well, got to go.

Uh, Sam?Yeah?

It kind of works better with a ladder there.

Whoa!

Bye, Clarissa.

Well, I'm glad that's over with.

Sam can go back to looking for the perfect girl,

as long as he doesn't look my way.

♪ Na na na na na ♪

Dad, your ankle looks really skinny.

Yeah.

It sure it feels good since I got out of that cast.

And now that you're fully mobile,

I've got a fail-proof way to catch Mr. Soaperstein.

First, I'm gonna disguise myself.

As what, a good neighbor?

No. The cable guy.

Then, while I've got Soaperstein occupied...

Hi, everybody!Hi.

Hi.Hi, Mom.

Where'd you get the oranges?

From Edna Soaperstein,

or at least a woman calling herself

Edna Soaperstein.

You mean, she's alive?

I don't believe it!All right.

Where was she?

In Florida at a spa... a surprise gift from Ned.

Now what about the trunk?

Oh. Clothes for the kids in Greece.

Ohh...

nothing ever happens around here.

Mom, can I give some of these oranges to Sam?

Sure.

Are you seeing Sam?

Seeing him? Why wouldn't I?

After all, he's a friend, isn't he?

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na na ♪