04x01 - The Flu

[bunniefuu]

Do you ever notice that the people in charge

usually want to keep it that way?

Clarissa, dinner!

But me?

I'm not so sure I'd ever want to be in charge to begin with.

Sure, there's all that incredible

all-consuming power, but what about the down side?

Sometimes being the big cheese can be really stinky.

Like being a school teacher.

The second that bell rings, you're the head of the class.

But don't turn your back

or you might not live to see recess.

And who could be more in charge than the captain of his ship?

Strong, secure,

an anchor of command

until it's time to go down with the ship.

Then the job for captain goes pretty much up for grabs.

Hey, you're the captain!

Captain? What captain?

I'm not the captain!

Ah! Oh!

Ooh! Ooh!

So whenever I get the urge

to be the one barking out orders...

Clarissa, did you hear me?

Dinner!

In a minute, Mom!

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, I just tell myself that being in charge

isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Come on, sport, it's time for dinner.

But I bet it wouldn't hurt just to try it once.

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪ All right, all right

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

♪ Way cool

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪ All right, all right

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

♪ Way cool

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Naa naa na-na-naa

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

♪ Just do it

No way!

Really?

No way!

Really?

No way.

They were ants.

Ants, I tell you!

Giant, radioactive ants!

Dr. Stevenson's right.

And there is only one way to stop them.

Grenades?

Flamethrowers.

Cool.

[sneezes]

[coughs]

Ferguson, aren't you supposed to be doing something?

Yeah, Dad.

But I was in the middle of this documentary.

It's about the insect life cycle.

Yeah.

Well, the front walk is supposed to be shoveled, and it's not.

I'm getting ready, Dad.

Oh, Ferguson, come on.

Clarissa, what are you doing on the phone?

Really?

No way!

Really?

No way!

Mom, this will just take a second.

Really?

I thought you were going to do the dishes.

Now way.

I'm doing them.

From out here?

They're soaking. Really?

Aah!

Okay, that's it.

No way!

Yeah.

She'll call you back.

This is her father.

Really?

Oh, well, no way.

I was about to hang up.

Yeah.

And I was just about to find out if the giant ants of Namibia

were molting this season.

I think it's time for that little talk.

Uh-oh.Uh-oh.

Clarissa, Ferguson, we'd been thinking,

you know, we would like to treat you like adults.

But here's the problem...

[sneezes]

Bless you.Thank you.

I think what your father's trying to say kids

is that with every right comes a responsibility.

And with every responsibility comes...

[sneezes]

Gesundheit.

Thank you.

You see now, if we don't all pitch in,

this place is gonna fall apart.

I couldn't agree more, Dad,

which is why shoveling the walk is a high priority

right after presiding over the still-growing chess club,

keeping up with the world market,

and maintaining my Ivy League grade point average.

Mom, Dad, we see your point.

We'll work harder.

Good. All right, good.

In the meantime, we'll just put the TV off-limits

until your mother and I see some results.

Good thinking, Dad.

And by the way, don't forget the phone.

Right.

The same goes for the phone for the next half-hour.

Yeah. Good.

I mean, I'm glad we had this little talk.

I feel much better.

Me, too.Me, too.

Oh, man.Oh, man.

"I agree, Dad.

Don't forget about the phone, Dad."

You rat.

Sticks and stones, sis.

If I'm going down in manual labor,

you're coming with me.

Yeah?

Well, start digging, shovel head.

Oh, well, nothing to do but get mean,

lean, and ready to clean.

Mom, I'm done!

Mom!

How come parents are always around to give orders

but never around to give permission?

Mom, Dad, can I talk on the phone now?

Let's face it.

The shovel's too primitive to be an effective tool.

What I need is a high-powered plow,

maybe a fuel-injected blowtorch.

But that thing, that's pathetic.

What do you want, sport?

Well, Dad, I was just wondering if...

Dad, are you okay?

Yeah. Sure.

Fine.

[sneezes]

Oh boy.

Jeez, maybe I picked up a slight bug, but I'm sure,

you know, that it's...

[sneezes]

Nothing.

Wow. Dad, you're really hot.

Oh, that's weird because I feel freezing.

Dad, you're sick.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's impossible, sport.

No, I've got these design sketches due

for the new chili bowl-o-rama.

So I can't get sick.

Don't worry. Mom will know what to do.

Mom!

Clarissa, I'm right here.

Sorry.

Um, Mom, Dad's not feeling so...

Mom, are you okay?

Me okay?

Sure. Fine.

Well, you look sicker than Dad.

Don't say that.

I have too much to do

at the children's museum to be sick.

I can't be sick.

Oh!

[coughs]

Why is it so hot in here?

Hot?

Are you crazy? I'm freezing.

Oh, I'm burning up.

Honey.

Uh-huh?

We're sick.

Ugh, you're right.

I'll call Dr. Festerspoon.

How could this have happened?

I must have caught it from you.

Me?Yeah.

Those little runny nose kids at the museum,

they're always spreading germs through you just to get to me.

How do you know it wasn't one of your clients

without the manners to cover up when he sneezes.

Do you guys want to lie down?

Clarissa, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

Okay.There's just one thing.

What's that?

I can't move.

Let's get you guys into bed.

She's right, dear.

What's going on in here?

Mom and Dad are sick.

Oh. Hmm.

Come on, let me help you.

Ferguson being nice?

That's enough to make someone really sick.

♪ Oh, Dr. Festerspoon

Hmm.

[sneezes]

Ah, bless you.

Hmm.

Huh. Well.

Now tell me, Janet,

exactly how are you feeling today?

Oh...

No, don't talk.

How long have they felt this way?

Since last night.

I had to practically carry them up into bed.

Hmm.

Well, it seems clear enough.

Just a couple of hours' rest, we'll be okay, huh, doc?

No.

I'm afraid you have a not uncommon viral strain

of the upper-respiratory tract accompanied by fever, malaise,

and a general feeling of ickiness.

Is that bad?

Yeah. What's that?

The flu.

There's a lot of it going around.

Not too serious.

Now you're going to need plenty of rest and plenty of fluids,

and this, and this,

and this, and a doughnut.

A doughnut?

Oh, this is for me.

House calls make me hungry, you know?

For later.

Now them.

I guess you kids are going to have to take care

of Mom and Dad for a change.

Leave it to us.

You know it, doc.

In that case, could one of you please bring me a cup

of herbal tea and a towel?

I want to breathe in the vapors.

Sure, Mom.

Come along, kids.

Oh, you're going to need rest.

Oh, and, you two, these are for you.

Oh, gee, thanks.

Come along.

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

So, remember...

plenty of fluids.

Yes, doctor.

Regular medication.

Yes, doctor.

And I suppose that you two are in charge.

Got it.

Oh, do take good care of them.

Okay.Oop!

Wow, look at that snow.

Bye.

Good-bye!

Yes!Yes!

Yes.Yes.

We're in charge.Total control.

Now, Ferguson, we have a job to do.

We've got to make a grocery list.

Will do.

We've got to get stuff for real chicken soup.

Grandma's recipe should be around here someplace.

And get some stuff for us.

Like what?

You know, chili dogs, frozen pizza.

Use your imagination.

This is great.

We get to eat whatever we want.

Do you want to do the grocery shopping?

Let me loose, I was born to burn money.

Well, we need some money for household expenses,

so go ask Dad.

Roger!

I'm feeling large and in charge.

My only question is, did Ferguson really just say,

"Roger"?

They say a good cook reads the entire recipe

before splitting open a single pea.

Of course, there was nothing to eat in the whole house.

But hey, what's a Ferg-wad for?

I think there's a real future for him

in the errand boy business.

I think I've got grandma's recipe down.

Let's see.

"Ingredient number one...

chicken."

Ugh.

"Ingredient number two...

potatoes."

Chocolate-covered malted-milk balls,

chocolate milk,

chocolate-coated chocolate ice cream,

chocolate in a jar,

chocolate-covered chocolate bars.

No potatoes.

Ferg-face, get in here!

Never send a little brother to do a real human being's job.

You rang, O uptight one?

I thought you're supposed to get real food.

Yes. That is correct.

Well, what's with Willy Wonka shopping spree?

I got to the store and I figured,

"This is my moment.

Improvise."

So I did.

Now that you've had your dress rehearsal,

you can go back and try the real thing.

Are you nuts?

The snow's really piling up out there!

Well, we'll call the Soapersteins.

Maybe they'll take you back to the supermarket

before Mom and Dad figure out

you played Candy Land with their money.

Good idea.

Hello, Mrs. Soaperstein.

This is Clarissa.

Yeah.

I'm sorry to bother you, but it's kind of an emergency

but not really an emergency emergency.

Yeah, I was just wondering

if you could come over here and...

What's so funny?

Look out the window?

Okay.

Whoa! Oh, my gosh!

It really came down!

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.

We're snowed in.

As in trapped?

And that's to you all we've got is chicken

and pounds of chocolate.

We better get started on this soup.

Look in the fridge and see if there's any vegetables.

Uh-oh.

What?

There's no water.

How could there be no water unless...

The pipes froze.

Could the pipes freeze?

What are you asking me for? Don't you know?

How should I know?

I'll go ask Dad.No.

Leave Dad alone.

You're not my boss.

Look, Mom and Dad are sick.

They can't help us.

The only way to get through this

is to work together.

We're doomed.We're doomed.

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

And in weather news,

it's another day of record snowfall.

Forget about leaving the house today

because there's no letup in sight.

Just sit back and let it snow, let it snow, let it...

Okay, now that we're snowbound, things are getting serious...

seriously weird.

Here's a Clarissa Darling Snowbound update.

Since the pipes froze,

we had to dig out and dig our own water supply.

This led to rationing food supplies.

Not all halves are created equal.

Meanwhile, upstairs,

blissfully unaware of our plight below,

Mom and Dad were making beautiful music together.

[sneezes]

[sneezes]

Now for the really hard part...

trying to getting Ferg-wad to lift a finger.

Oh, grocery boy!

What?

Isn't it enough that I run the house

and keep Mom and Dad well?

Oh, give me a break. You haven't done a thing.

I feel that I fulfilled my obligation.

You want food? Get it yourself.

No, wait. It's still your job.

But I went the first time.

So you know the way.

It's your turn.

I think I have a solution.

v*olence never solves anything.

I'm not gonna hit you, feeble boy.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Ah, the ancient game of skill, cunning, and psych-ability.

Loser gets groceries.

You're on.

Once, twice, three, sh**t.Once, twice, three, sh**t.

Mine.

Once, twice, three, sh**t.Once, twice, three, sh**t.

Yours.

Once, twice, three, sh**t.Once, twice, three, sh**t.

Mine.

See you later, Ferginator, and don't forget the milk.

You didn't win.

It's just a game of chance.

This can't go on forever.

The snow's got to let up.

Can we really be cut off completely?

I feel like we're adrift in space

with no one to rescue us.

I'm beginning to see how Mom and Dad must feel.

Captain's log, stardate --..

While on a routine check

of class "M" asteroid shadow Lane seven,

we intercepted a distress signal

from the neutral zone.

Starbase reports sightings of a large,

unknown life force that no one,

not even myself, can truly understand.

Mr. Chekhov, activate main viewing screen.

In a minute, captain.

Radioactive ants from below on the manual screen.

I said now, mister.

Okay. Okay.

Good lord!

That looks like some really weird space virus.

Spock, what is it?

It is indeed a space virus, captain.

And according to our readings, it is...

really weird.

Shields!

Open the hailing frequency!

This is theU.S.S. Enterprise signaling.

Really? No way.

Really?

No way. Really...

What are they trying to tell us, Lieutenant Uhura?

Something about wanting to suck our brains after breakfast.

[crash]

What in Sam hill is going on in here?

We're under att*ck.

Bones, quick, what are our odds of survival?

I'm a doctor, not a bookie, damn it.

[crash]

Help!

I think it's got me!

Captain, I believe it's got me.

Too powerful!

Must fight it!

Uhura!

Chekhov!

Must run ship!

How do you run this thing?

Don't you know?

[screams]

If we have to take over for Mom and Dad,

we have to get organized.

This is gonna be the most shipshape house in the universe.

Okay, running the house isn't so hard.

It's mostly all organization.

If you can stay organized,

you won't have to deal with surprises.

[screams]

Is that you in there, Ferg-face?

Unfortunately.

Don't you think you're overdoing the layers just a bit?

Go ahead and laugh.

This is the face of man

battling the primal elements in search of food.

Big-hearted, ruddy-cheeked, blood-pumping adventure.

You sure you don't want to go?

Thanks.

Okay, have it your way.

What I wouldn't give for a team of dogs

and a solid sled ride about now.

Just stick to the grocery list, admiral bird-brain.

Sis, if I don't come back,

tell Mom and Dad it was all your fault.

I'm off.

That's for sure.

Snow dunes of shadow Lane, have at you!

Well, that's one way for Fergatroid to chill out.

Now it's time for me to play doctor.

Hey, guys, how are you feeling?

Good.Good.

Oh, I'll just take that right under my towel,

the steam will help clear my sinuses.

And then maybe I can get up in an hour or so.

Oh, no, you won't.

Dad, it's time for your medicine.

Hey, sport.Yeah, Dad.

Oh, boy, I'm feeling much better.

So what do you say we give

the cough syrup a miss this time, huh?

Dad, you heard Dr. Festerspoon.

No.

Why not?

Well, it's sounds silly,

but that's the regular cough syrup,

and I like cherry.

Dad.I don't want to.

It doesn't matter if you want to.

You have to.

Oh, I think you're forgetting that I'm your father.

And the best one there is.

But would a conscientious father trail germs all over the house

for his kids to catch?

Now open up.

Here comes the choo-choo!

You are really pushing it, sport.

See?

That wasn't so bad now, was it?

Mom, how about some more hot, delicious soup?

Oh.

I see you didn't eat what I gave you.

Oh, I couldn't.

But you did really well.

Sorry, there were no potatoes.

Didn't matter. It was delicious.

I see.

It was delicious, but you couldn't eat it at all.

You've hated it.

No, dear.

You're misunderstanding.

No, no, no.

It's all right. You're sick.

Don't even think about the time it took me to dice the chicken

and melt the snow.

Melt the snow?

Oh!

[nervous laughter] Just kidding.

Um, I'll eat some later.

Hey, you know, sport, you're doing a terrific job.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, I mean, you know, it would be hard to ask

for anything more.

Really, it's my pleasure.

Okay, then listen, do you think

you could bring your TV set in here

'cause there's a really good Bonanzaon.

Sure. I'll see what I can do.

Okay.

Oh, and, honey,

would you mind fluffing my pillow for me?

No problem, Mom.

Thanks, sweetheart.

I don't believe these people.

Take, take, take, take.

They have no appreciation for the work that I...

[sneezes]

Uh-oh.

Was that a flu sneeze

or a common variety dustball sneeze?

Relax, it couldn't have been a flu sneeze.

If it had been a flu sneeze, I would have sneezed...

[sneezes]

Again.

Great.

I've been so busy taking care of my parents,

I never thought what would happen if I got sick.

That would mean...

Ferg-face in charge.

Talk about bad medicine.

[sneezes]

Mom, Dad, where are we?

Hello, my happy patients.

Is it time for our sh*ts?

Evil nurse Ferguson.

What's going on?

So you do not look like a happy patient.

All of my patients are happy patients.

Time for happy pills.

Heinz!

[cackles]

Happy swallowing!

I can't get sick!

I can't!

I know it looks dorky,

but I swear I can feel it working.

[sneezes]

Oh, no.

It was a battle between man and the elements.

Who won?

The elements.

Oh, well, that's just great.

I'm going downstairs to hang this stuff up.

Ferguson W. Darling!

What did you just call me?

Do you know you have to wipe your feet

when you come into a room?

Oh, that's weird.

I never saw you do a Mom imitation before.

Oh, that is really weird.

I wasn't doing a Mom imitation.

Those words actually came out of my mouth.

[sneezes]

Oh, no. Don't you start.

Here, drink some hot tea.

No.

I'll have some chocolate.

Uh, we're all out of chocolate.

You ate the last piece?

Well, I had to eat something.

Oh, I feel sick.

I don't feel so good either.

No food. No water.

What are we gonna do?

You can start by getting out of those wet clothes.

Mom, shouldn't you be...

Upstairs in bed?

I'm feeling much better.

Okay, with you if I take charge again?

You're the boss.

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

[coughs]

How did it get so hot in here?

Hot?

Are you crazy? I'm...

[sneezes]

Freezing.

Dad, it's too bad I can't help you shovel the walk.

It's probably getting kind of icy out there.

No, don't you worry about it.

Nobody's going anywhere today.

You just relax.

Mom, you've been cooking all day.

I'll do the dishes.

Hey, I told you I want you to sit right here

and watch TV until you're feeling better.

Now eat your soup.

Mom's soup, just the way I like it.

Nothing to do but watch TV.

Yeah.

You know something?

This is the kind of bossing around I like.

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪ All right, all right

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

♪ Way cool

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪ Naa naa na-na-naa