02x25 - How to Succeed in the Spy Business Without Really Trying

[bunniefuu]

That anonymous
telephone call was right!

It sure was, 99.

Say, listen. You don't happen to
have a crowbar on you, do you?

Oh, sure, max. Right here.

So this is the warehouse
for kaos's smuggling ring.

- And I know what they've been smuggling.
- What, max?

- Paper.
- That's impossible, max.

No? Well, then they sure
know how to pack cookies.

Max, look!

- Do you know what that is?
- A cookie jar?

No, max. It's an etruscan urn.

That must be worth a fortune.

I'll bet it was stolen
from a museum.

Sure, and then kaos smuggled it
over here to sell to a private owner.

That must be one of the ways that
they're financing their operations.

This place must be
full of treasures, max.

Shh!

- Hello?
- Who is it?

Is that you, 86? This is 74.

- He sounds like 74, max.
- Yes, but you can't be sure.

Advance and be recognized.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Never let your guard
down for a minute.

It could be a fatal mistake.

Of course, everyone's
entitled to one fatal mistake.

Why did you jump me,


Well, I thought
it might be a trap.

- But you saw my face.
- Not until I hit you.

What are you doing here, 74?

The chief sent me. He
figured you might need help.

- That's ridiculous.
- Get your hands up.

Well, just don't stand there.
If you came to help, help.

You call that helping?

Smart: siegfried!

Good evening, smart.

- It's siegfried.
- Yes,

My old friend and bitter enemy.

Tell me siegfried, why did
you sh**t your own man?

Nitwit. To save your life.

But you and I are sworn
to k*ll each other on sight.

Why would you
want to save my life?

Because I'm leaving kaos.

- Leaving kaos? Why?
- i'm fed up.


Been with them...

Stealing, robbing, lying,

k*lling, murdering...

And what did I get out of it?

Nothing! Just a lot of fun.

Smart, listen to me.

Go and tell your
chief I am ready

To cooperate with control.

Also, I will sell them

Some of kaos's top secrets.

All right, siegfried,
I'll tell him.

But I don't think the
chief will trust you.

Give me one good reason
why he shouldn't trust me.

Because you're
a rotten, vicious,

Cruel, cunning,
maniacal m*rder*r.

All right, that's one.
Now give me another.

I don't like it, max.
I just don't like it.

But we have to
face the facts, chief.

Siegfried did save my life.

Why would he do that? He's a vicious,
cold-blooded kaos executioner.

He says that he's leaving kaos and
he's willing to cooperate with control.

What?

That's right, chief.
He's fed up with kaos.

- Why?
- Well, last year was his biggest year.

He k*lled 37 people.

And they didn't even give
him a christmas bonus.

If siegfried is on
the level, chief.

Think of all the valuable
information we can get from him.

You may be right. Max,
where does he want to meet?

In the same warehouse.

Well, all right, but if it's
a trap and we get k*lled,

You're fired.

Max, you know, I'm frightened.

- Why, chief?
- I'm beginning to sound like you.

Max, I don't care if
siegfried did save your life.

We shouldn't be buying
information from him.

- He's a m*rder*r and a traitor.
- Chief!

Siegfried, I'm sure the chief didn't
mean anything personal by that remark.

Now look, chief,

If siegfried has something
of importance to sell,

I think it's imperative
that control buy it.

How can you believe a man
who'd sell out his own friends?

dummkopft. who
else can you sell out?

You can't double-cross enemies.

He's got a point there, chief.

All right, siegfried,
what have you got?

It's all there.

Ow!

- What is this?
- A catalog.

You pick out what
you want to buy.

- What is that, smart?
- Just a little something

That our financial
department dreamed up.

It lists all the prices on
information that's for sale.

It's called a blue book.

Anything interesting
over there, chief?

I have something that would be

Invaluable to you...

The head of the
kaos ladies' auxiliary.

You can have her for 1,500.



It's listed here for 1,250.

Yeah, this one is special.

- Why?
- She's my sister.

und I will give you the location

Of 20 kaos agents
for 500 apiece.

- Make it 400, and it's a deal.
- Sold.

All right, siegfried,
but before we pay,

- We've got to check out your information.
- chief, look out!

Well, chief, what have
you got to say now?

Siegfried just saved your life.

I know, max, you're right. I'm sorry
for what I said earlier, siegfried.

- That's quite all right.
- Well, chief,

I think we'd better get out of
here and check this information.

Siegfried, we'll meet you
back here in exactly two hours.

Under the
circumstances, I don't think

It's such a hot idea to
meet back here again.

- He's right, max.
- We should meet someplace

Where kaos would
not be able to find me.

My apartment. We'll
use my apartment.

Here are the keys. We'll
meet you there in two hours.

- Splendid, smart.
- Let's go, max.

Shtarker,

Get up!

- It worked, siegfried.
- ja.

und we are one step closer

To realizing our glorious plans

und k*lling maxwell smart.

You should have seen
the look on their faces

When they thought that siegfried

Saved the chief's life.

And smart went for it?

He swallowed it
hook, line and sinker.

I happen to be a most
convincing actor.

You should have seen
me in the kaos workshop

When I starred in
"k*lling of the shrew."

Uh, "the taming of the shrew."

Don't tell me how to k*ll!

Thank you, lily. Pucker up.

Shtarker, we don't pucker here.

und lily is my
personal secretary.

This goes for you too, lily.

- You also don't...
- Here.

Now go.

Practice your shorthand.
You never know.

Someday I may even
want to dictate a letter.

Now once I gain

Control's confidence,

I will be in a
position to execute

Operation big-k.

Big-k? The robbing of fort knox?

But, siegfried,
this is impossible.

Fort knox is too
heavily guarded.

und the more heavily
guarded it is, the better.

I do not understand.

I will explain when
the time comes.

Oh, hello, siegfried.
Been waiting long?

- No, just got here.
- Keys.

- What keys?
- The keys to my apartment.

Oh, yes!

All right, siegfried, the
information you gave us

Concerning the whereabouts of
those 20 kaos agents checked out.

Yes, and each and every one
of them is in custody right now.

und believe me, you got
the cream of the crop.

What do we do now, chief?

The decoding machine
and siegfried's sister.

Oh, yes, where is the
decoding machine, siegfried?

It's in the airport terminal
disguised as an insurance machine.

That way our agents can decode
their messages coming and going.

Say, that's a great idea, chief.

They don't even have to come
into town. Saves a lot of time.

- und cab fare.
- And cab...

Max, I'll go in my car and
pick up the decoding machine.

You and 99 go in your
car and pick up his sister.

I suggest you all go in one car.

- Why?
- My sister works in the decoding machine.

Siegfried, you wait
here, max, 99, let's go.

one question, please.

Are you going to take
my sister dead or alive?

- Alive.
- Good. Then give her my love.

All right, we're control
agents and this is a raid.

You're under
arrest. Let's go, lady.

Who's there?

That's got to be shtarker.

Get over here!

Now...

und remove your foot
from that wastebasket.

- I can't.
- What do you mean, you can't?

My foot's a size 11,

And the wastebasket's a nine.

Foot up!

Ah, you found the
hidden tape recorder.

Of course I found it.

und you, you clumsy, you ruined

A perfectly good take.

- I'm sorry. I'll get it right next time.
- You'd better.

This will be conclusive evidence

That I really
intend to leave kaos.

Now let's go over it once more.

- Ready?
- Ready.

Okay.

Who's there?

Stop it! Did you come
here to laugh or to k*ll?

I was only trying to
make it sound good.

We don't ad lib here,
shtarker. We stick to the lines.

Now do it again!
And do it right!

- Who's there?
- It's me, shtarker.

How did you find me, shtarker?

You forget... We have ways.

So, siegfried, you
have betrayed kaos.

What are you going
to do to me, shtarker?

What are you going
to do to me? Stupid!

Before I answer that,

I want to know one thing...

Have you told control

About operation big-k?

Oh, no! I would never divulge

Kaos's master
plan of the century.

Then you pull the trigger,

We rub some blood on my head,

I lie down on the floor,
and you leave, right?

- Right.
- Okay. I'll turn on the recorder,

And we'll do it.

- Tell me, siegfried.
- What?

- How was i?
- Pathetic.

Well, siegfried, your
information checked out.

We picked up the decoding
machine and your sister says

She'll never speak to you again.

- Siegfried...
- Max!

- Siegfried's dead!
- Who could have done it?

Anybody. Wait a minute, chief.

I think we'll have an
answer to it in a minute.

How, max?

My secret tape recorder.

Shtarker: so, siegfried,
you have betrayed kaos.

Siegfried: what are
you going to do to me?

Shtarker: before I answer
that, I want to know one thing...

have you told control
about operation big-k?

Siegfried: oh, no, of course
not. I would never divulge

kaos's master
plan of the century.

Shtarker: that's
all I wanted to know.

goodbye, siegfried.

Well, that's it, chief.

They found out he was betraying
them and they had him shot.

Operation big-k...

If we could only find out what that
meant before siegfried was k*lled.

Chief, look, he's
moving! He's not dead!

You're right, 99.
He's still alive.

The b*llet just
grazed his forehead.

Where am i? What
happened? Smart!

You're all right, siegfried. One
of your men tried to m*rder you.

ja, I remember now.
It was shtarker.

He wanted to know if I told
you about operation big-k.

Big-k? That's the one we want
to know about, chief. What is it?

Those dirty double-crossers!

ja, I will tell you.

Money's not important.
This is for revenge.

- Good. What is it? - $10,000!

- 5,000.
- 9,000.

- Six.
- Eight.

- Seven.
- Seven! I don't bargain.

- Go on.
- K stands for knox... Fort knox.

kaos plans to hit fort knox
tomorrow. A full-scale attack.

Plan 45-e. By tomorrow night,

The united states
will be bankrupt!

This is the chief.
Magenta alert.

I want every available
agent to draw full weapons

And leave for fort knox
immediately to head off a kaos attack

Planned for sometime tomorrow.

Right. Now, max, here's
what I want you to do.

- Chief, 99 and I are ready.
- No, max, I want you to stay with me

To conduct the awards ceremony at
the control chiefs' convention tomorrow.

99, I want you to pick an
agent to stay with you

and guard control headquarters.

- you'll be our skeleton
security unit. right, chief.

und now, gentlemen,

We are ready for our final phase

Of operation big-k.

But, siegfried, it is
impossible to attack fort knox.

Who said anything
about fort knox?

Big-k stands for big knockout.

- Big knockout?
- While all the control agents

Are waiting for us at fort knox,

I will drop a gas pellet at the
control chiefs' awards ceremony

Which will knock
out... Get it? Knock out?

All the chiefs!

- Ah!
- Shtarker,

We don't "ah" here!

Now while they are unconscious,

You k*ll the skeleton
security unit,

und we will kidnap
the control chiefs

From all over the
world in one swoop!

Think of it,
gentlemen... und lily...

A $10-million ransom!

Splendid!

Ooh, ooh, ooh,
I'm sorry. I forgot

That we don't... Here.

Well, once in a
while it doesn't hurt.

Well, siegfried, the
chiefs of control

Are really gonna be surprised
when we spring you on them.

ja, they'll be knocked out.

Just a figure of speech.

You're sure to win the chief of
the year award this time, chief.

Oh, thanks, 99. I guess
this is my lucky year.

You look ravishing.

Well, thank you, siegfried.
You look pretty nice yourself.

I meant miss 99, smart.

Thank you, siegfried. I didn't
know that you were from royalty.

- I'm not.
- Well then, why are you wearing the sash?

Oh...

I burned a hole in my
shirt when I was ironing it.

Max, your flower
looks marvelous.

There's nothing like the scent

Of a fresh flower.

Uh, yes. Well, chief,

I think I'll go down to the
lab and check my notes out.

- You've got your notes right there.
- Uh, yes,

But they're in invisible ink.

Thank you, and good
evening, chiefs of control.

This is max "control
award" smart.

I wouldn't say there are a
lot of chiefs here tonight,

But the only
thing that's missing

Is a wigwam.

Okay. Now I'd like you to meet

Mr. Harper

From the accounting
firm of price, sloan & stern

Who tabulated the votes.

Oh, pardon me. Oop! Oh!

Right this way, mr. Harper.

Terribly sorry
about the blindfold,

But this is a secret
organization, you know.

Just sit down anywhere.

I think you'll find a
chair more comfortable.

Now for the awards.

The first award is
for top achievement

Of a control scientist.

Envelope, please.

And the winner is...

Dr. Hans svenson, for 25 years

Of experimental research
in the field of hormones.

Are you accepting the
award for hans svenson?

I am hans svenson.

i don't know what he gets for
a house call, but it's worth it.

Now for our next award.

The next award is for
excellence in judo and karate

By a control chief.

Envelope, please.

And the winner is... From tokyo,

chief sususi sakamoto.

There you are, chief.

I understand that your
hands are like lightning,

That when you hit a
man they move so fast

They can hardly be
followed with the human eye.

That is true.

Well, I find that a little
hard to believe, chief.

I wonder if you could give us a
little demonstration of your speed.

If mr. Smart would be kind
enough to help me out...

I'd be most happy to.

- Ready?
- Ready.

Would you care to see it again?

No, thank you.

And now for the defector
of the year award.

Outside this room
is a kaos traitor,

one of their top agents,

who is now cooperating
completely with control.

Although he is not going
to get a golden p*stol,

He has received
honorable mention

For the benedict
arnold medallion.

So let's bring him in with
a nice round of applause.

Gentlemen, this is siegfried,

The man whose
information can help us

Destroy kaos all over the world.

I wouldn't say there
are many chiefs here,

But the only thing
missing is a wigwam.

Thank you. Gentlemen, ladies,

I have spent over half
my life working for kaos,

Starting out as an office boy

und part-time k*ller,

But tonight I have reached
the pinnacle of my profession.

Tonight you are
about to see the tops

In dirty tricks.

It's almost time.

And now... Good night!

Gentlemen!

Our $10-million
babies are ready.

Come in. You can start
collecting the bodies.

Sorry, but this
isn't collection day.

I hope you realize,
smart, you just ruined

A terrific plan.

How did you find out?

It was really quite
simple, siegfried.

I knew something was wrong
the minute you smelled my flower.

because, you see,
it was a fake flower,

So I knew that you were
wearing a phony nose.

Like this.

The old gas-mask-

In-the-false-nose trick.

So I merely went down to the lab

And got myself a control nose.

My compliments, smart.

Well, this looks like the end
of the line for you, siegfried.

You'll get the gas
chamber for this.

und all because of my mother.

- Your mother?
- All of this could have been avoided

If not for my mother.

because when I was a little kid,

My mother wouldn't
get me a sled!

Why wouldn't she get
me a sled, smart? Why?

I don't know, siegfried.

You think maybe it was
because we lived in florida?