02x01 - Anatomy of a Lover

[bunniefuu]

Hymie, stand.

Y-11 calling kaos,

Y-11 calling kaos from
control headquarters.

Man: this is kaos. Go ahead.

Hymie the control robot
has been programmed.

He's ready to begin.
When the job is completed,

His memory bank will
automatically erase itself.

He will be unable to
recall what happened.

excellent, proceed as planned.

Yes, sir.

Hymie, go.

To all departments, it has come
to my attention that some members

Of the control organization
have been abusing the privileges

Of the coffee break. One,

Coffee breaks will be
for 10 minutes duration.

Two, coffee cups will no longer
be used for target practice.

Three...

Hymie, what's the
meaning of this?!

I am going to k*ll you.

Hey!

I'm going to k*ll you.

I'm going to k*ll you.

Hymie, I'm the chief.
I'm your friend.

Chief!

Max, max, quick!

Hymie's trying
to k*ll the chief.

- Hymie, stop it. It's me, max!
- What are you trying to do, max?

I'm gonna have to
short-circuit his wiring system.

- Hurry hurry.
- Hymie, are you a.c. Or d.c.?

- I am going to k*ll you.
- Hurry, max.

I think he's a.c. I'll plug him
into d.c. And see what happens.

- Quick!
- Hold on, chief,

Use those fantastic
throat muscles.

I am
going to k*ll you.

what happened, chief?

He crashed through that door
and said he was gonna k*ll me.

But this is impossible, chief.

Hymie has been a loyal member of
control ever since we stole him from kaos.

Max, hymie is a robot... A machine,
and machines can be dangerous.

What are we going to do?

- We'll have to destroy him.
- Destroy him!

You can't destroy
hymie. Hymie's my friend.

Max, this friend just broke
through my office door,

Smashed my desk to pieces
and almost strangled me

With his bare hands!
How do you explain that?

I said he was my friend,

Not yours.

Kirsch, phelps, you men are in
charge of security procedures,

- Have you any idea how this happened?
- No, sir.

- Is hymie locked up?
- Yes, sir.

He's harmless until his main
power unit is reactivated.

Keep him that way. I
don't want him breaking up

- Any more of our furniture.
- Yes, sir.

I just can't believe he did it.

- Why?!
- Because he's programmed for neatness.

I don't care what he's programmed
for, he's got to be disassembled,

- And you're gonna do it.
- Me?! Why me?

Why not? You brought him
into the organization, didn't you?

I can't do that to hymie,
chief. Hymie is my friend.

Why, he saved my life once.

- He's like a brother to me.
- Max, hymie is a cybernaut.

What's his religion
got to do with it?

He's a robot, a mechanical
man, and I want him disassembled.

- I won't do it.
- You won't?

No, I won't! I'd rather you have
me disassembled than hymie.

- Hmm...
- I'll do it.

Okay, hymie, cough.

Oh, boy.

My guess is that someone has really
been tampering around with your insides.

Now think, hymie. Think hard.

Don't you remember
anything that happened at all?

The last thing I remember I
was in the lab oiling my teeth.

- Oiling your teeth?
- I oil my teeth twice a day

And see a mechanic
every six months.

- Oh.
- I have a tendency to rust.

The next thing I knew
was a few minutes ago,

When you reactivated
my main power unit.

You don't remember
attacking the chief

- And trying to choke him?
- No.

Hmm. I'll tell you this much,

Unless we get some
clues on how this happened,

- I'm gonna have to...
- I know, max.

You'll have to disassemble me.

- I can't do it, hymie.
- You have to do it, max.

- It's your duty.
- Don't tell me my duty.

- I know what it is.
- Don't worry about me, I understand.

The security of the
nation is at stake.

- Oh, hymie.
- I've had a good life.

Will you stop talking
like that, hymie?

Hymie, will you please be
quiet? I can't concentrate.

Just shut your trap.

Hymie, do you have to take
everything I say so literally?

I'm sorry, max.

Okay, just get a
grip on yourself.

Forget it, hymie.

This is what I want you to do.

This is the key to my apartment...
Take it, get over there and stay there.

But someone will see
me when I leave here.

Not if you jump out the window.

It's only 10 or 12 feet down.


To point of impact.

Make as little
noise as possible.

Try to jump on the
grass, not the pavement.

- Right.
- Oh, hymie,

If anybody sees you going into my
apartment, tell them you're my cousin.

- Right.
- Okay.

- Is anybody coming?
- No.

Okay. Now remember,
jump on the grass,

Not the sidewalk.

Okay... Jump!

Missed it by that much.

Oh, hello, uh... I
was looking for max.

- Is he home?
- No.

I haven't seen you around here
before. Are you a friend of his?

I am max's cousin.
May I help you?

Oh yes, I wanted
to borrow some sugar.

- Sugar.
- Just enough for a cup of coffee.

Or two.

I have to tell you, men, this has
been a trying experience for max.

We understand, chief.

I'm finished, chief.

So long, hymie.

Are you all right, max?

Yes, chief, but this has
been kind of a sad day for me.

I'd like to go home.

Of course. You can
have the whole day off

And take tomorrow off too.

Thank you, chief.

With pay?

Okay.

How about overtime?

Overtime?! No! Absolutely not!

Okay okay, you
don't have to shout.

I may be greedy,
but I'm not deaf.

- Hello, hymie.
- Have a nice day at the office?

Yes, thank you. I think I'll
just fix myself a cup of coffee

And then we'll get down to work.

- Do you use sugar?
- No.

- Good.
- Why?

- There isn't any.
- There isn't any?

But that's ridiculous,
I've just bought a 10-lb bag.

Listen, hymie, I'm
getting a little worried

That someone has been
tampering with your mechanism.

Many have looked at my works.

did they touch any tubes
or fiddle with your wires?

I don't think so.

Try and remember, hymie,

Because if someone has been
tampering with your circuits,

It would have to be somebody
from inside of control.

That means we've
got a spy in our midst.

I have checked my memory tape.

- There's no record of tampering.
- Hmm...

Let's see. I've got some
books here on electronics.

Maybe if I look through
them, I can find out some...

Now let's see, if we
take these two wires,

And put them over here
by the connecting rod,

I think we got something, hymie.

Hymie, where is my cigarette?!

- I put it in my pocket.
- You put it in your pocket.

May I ask you why you
put it in your pocket?!

It was getting the
ashtray dirty again.

Okay, hymie.

Aha, just as I thought...

- There is a spy.
- Really?

He must be very small.

No, hymie, I didn't
mean inside of you,

I meant inside of control.

You tickle me.

Will you stop that?!

That's just an
expression, hymie.

Now it's obvious that
you've been rewired.

That's why you
att*cked the chief.

Think, can you remember
anybody else being

Inside of there besides me?

I have a vague memory
of a pair of cold hands.

They probably erased
your memory tape.

- What do we do now?
- Well,

Whoever the spy is who was
fooling around inside here

Probably thinks that
you're destroyed,

And we've got to
have him think that way

So it'll give us time
to find out who it is.

- Right.
- Now,

We've got to take
every precaution

To see that nobody
knows that you're here.

That means no standing
by open windows,

No loud talking and if someone should
happen to knock at the front door,

Don't make a sound.

Come in.

- Hello, max.
- Phoebe?!

I just wanna return the sugar
I borrowed from your cousin.

Oh, thank you.

My cousin? Oh yes
of course, my cousin.

- You two have met?
- Well, not formally.

- My name is hymie.
- How do you do? My name is phoebe.

Uh, phoebe is the chief's niece.

By the way, phoebe, what are
you doing here in washington?

I just decided to
come in for a few days.

My uncle suggested
I take a room here

And you could kind
of look after me.

Or if you're busy,
maybe hymie could.

Uh, yes. Well, hymie, don't you
have a very important engagement?

I'm sorry, but that's probably
been erased from my memory tape.

Don't pay any attention to him,
phoebe. He's an electronics genius.

Oh, are you in electronics?

No, electronics are in me.

Yes. Well, phoebe, it was
certainly nice of you to drop by.

- Perhaps we can have dinner some night.
- I'd love to.

- Good good. Bye, phoebe.
- Bye-bye.

"Electronics are in me"? Hmph.

That's just beautiful. Now all
she's gotta do is tell the chief

You're here and we will
both be disassembled.

Hymie, what are you doing?

Will you stop cleaning
up, following me around

And picking up? You're
beginning to get on my nerves!

I am programmed for neatness.

I'm programmed for sloppiness

And that's the way I like it.

What's the matter now?

Our first fight.

Look, hymie, I'm sorry
I raised my voice.

I know you've been under a
big strain for the past two days.

A lot you care.

I do care.

Then why don't you ever tell me?

I care, I care!

That's not the way to say it.

What are you talking about?

This is ridiculous!

Shh, get in the closet.

Oh, kirsch, hello.
What can I do for you?

- I heard some noise. Is anything wrong?
- Oh no, no no,

Nothing at all. I was
just talking to myself.

- What are you doing here?
- Chief wants you back at headquarters.

- Oh. Why didn't you phone?
- Top security.

Oh. Okay, kirsch, wait here. I'll get
my coat. I'll be with you in a minute.

Yes, chief, what is it?

Max, did you disassemble
hymie this morning?

Of course I disassembled hymie.

I even brought you
the bag of parts.

We had those parts
reconstructed.

Let me show you what we got.

- Max?!
- For heaven's sake.

Don't you worry, hymie,
I'll have you back looking

Like your old self
in no time at all.

Max, kirsch and phelps charge
you with allowing hymie to escape.

We contend that you
never disassembled hymie.

Nor did you intend to.

Do you think that I would
resort to deliberate lies,

Deceit and disobedience?!

All: yes!

- How about this...?
- All right, men,

- I'll take it from here.
- Right, chief.

Well, max, your
little game is over.

I want to know what
you've done with hymie

And I want to know right now!

Max, if you're trying to
put something over on me...

I'm not, chief, I'm not! I'm
telling you, this is really hymie.

They just put him
together wrong.

You'd better be
able to prove it!

Look, chief, I've got an idea...
Why don't I take the pieces home

And try to put them
together over the weekend?

No, max, I want to see you

Reassemble him here and now!

Well, chief, it's easy
to take a guy apart,

But it's pretty difficult to
put him back together again.

Ask any doctor.

Here and now.

Yes, sir, I've just made
the new adjustment.

- how will it work?
- through his own ingenuity,

The robot will get maxwell smart

To take him to a public
restaurant for dinner.

When he hears the
phrase "waiter, the check,"

He will sh**t the
one who said it...

- Maxwell smart.
- very good.

Well, that's it, chief. That's
about the best I can do.

You know, max, if
this thing isn't hymie,

Then he has escaped
and you're an accessory!

Did you ever think that
this might be hymie's way

Of proving his innocence?

By running away?

No, by coming back as a
washing machine, chief.

Think of the possibilities... A
washing machine could go anyplace.

I don't think...

Hello? Oh, yes, he
is. Just a moment.

It's for you. It's your cousin.

Eh, hello?

Max, this is hymie.

Yes, I know. I'm in
the chief's office.

- what's the matter?
- I'm lonesome.

You're lone...

Well, I'll be home
in a little while.

I want to go out to dinner.

I don't think that
would be wise.

I don't care. I've been cooped
up in the house all day...

Sweeping, dusting, vacuuming.

I want to go out.

We'll talk
about it when...

When I get home.

Good, I'll ask
phoebe to join us.

- Bye.
- Uh...

I tell you, we just
can't take the chance.

It's not worth the risk
to be seen in public, hymie.

It's too much of
a gamble, hymie.

But we have to. I promised her.

Her? Who's her?

Hi, max. Hi, hymie. Hello there.

Here I am, all set for a
big night out in the city.

- Her?
- Her.

Where are we going to dinner?

Yes, max, where are
we going to dinner?

I know a nice quiet little
out-of-the-way place.

- Where?
- Nome, alaska.

Max, we've got to do
something about phoebe.

Maybe we could get her
some dancing lessons.

That's not what I mean, max.

You know what would
happen if the chief found out

That you let his niece
go out with a robot,

To say nothing of
falling in love with one?

I don't know, 99.

Phoebe's parents would
like to see her get married

And settle down and have kids.

- I can see it now.
- What do you mean?

Hymie in the garage
tuning up his body,

And phoebe in the nursery
winding up her children.

You may have a point there.

Listen, 99, this is
what I want you to do...

I want you to dance with hymie

- And I'll stay here and talk to phoebe.
- Right, max.

- That looks like fun.
- It was.

- Thank you, hymie.
- Very good, hymie.

You guys can really dance.

Hymie, may I have
the next dance?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Thank you.

Oh, isn't he wonderful, max?

For the first time in my life

- I know what it means to be in love.
- Look, phoebe,

You and your uncle have been
friends of mine for a long long time,

And I'd like to kind of have you
think of me as another uncle,

Someone who has your
best interest at heart,

someone who wouldn't
hurt you for anything

- in the world.
- all right.

Phoebe, I want you
to forget about hymie.

But uncle max, I think
I'm in love with him.

But you don't know
anything about him.

You don't know anything
about his background

And believe me
it's a strange one.

I wouldn't care if he
came from a junkyard.

Funny you should
put it that way.

Besides, a man's background
isn't what's important,

It's what's inside that counts.

Would you be surprised.

Uncle max, I'm 19 years old. I'm
old enough to make up my own mind.

- How old is hymie?
- He'll be a year old in december.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- I didn't think you'd understand.

Look, phoebe, I didn't wanna tell
you this but it's for your own good.

- Hymie is a cybernaut.
- Uncle max,

I'm ashamed of you. A person's
religion doesn't make any difference.

Oh, max, hymie is a
marvelous dancer.

And he's so
intelligent... Cute too.

You too? Hymie, see if
you can grab a waiter.

Now listen both of you,
this is very important.

We've got to get
hymie out of here

As inconspicuously as possible.

I'll pay the check and
bring the car around,

Then you two bring hymie out.

And remember, don't
attract any attention to him.

Right, max.

Hymie, let him go.

You did tell him
to grab the waiter.

Hymie, I just wanted you
to attract his attention

So I could pay the check.

- I will pay the check.
- No, hymie, it's my treat.

- I will pay the check.
- Next time, hymie.

I will pay the check.

el
cheque, por favor.

What does that mean, hymie?

It means "I am
very sorry, waiter.

The check, please."

Oh, come on, hymie, the
check can't be that much.

You're sure no one
came to the door, hymie?

I don't remember.


Has been tampering with hymie again.

But no one knows he's here,
except you, me and phoebe.

Are you sure that no one's visited
the apartment since hymie came here?

No, nobody. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

Kirsch. Of course,
kirsch's been nearby

Every time hymie
has gone haywire.

Quite right, 86.

- You see what I mean?
- On your feet, please... All of you.

You know, of course, that
b*llet at the restaurant

- Was meant for you, mr. Smart.
- Sorry about that, kirsch.

No matter. They say everything
works out for the best.

In a moment, hymie
will k*ll you both.

Wait a minute, kirsch,

You're talking with
a foreign accent.

I am not. I am
speaking perfectly.

As spy in control I
had foreign accent.

You overlooked
one thing, kirsch.

Hymie, get him.

You see, mr. Smart,

He's in my control now.

max, get the g*n!

Good work, hymie.

I heard some... Oh!

- Oh, hymie, are you all right?
- But, max, I don't understand.

I thought kirsch had
complete control over hymie.

He did, 99, but hymie's
programming for neatness

Was stronger than his
programming for evil.

- Max!
- Chief! What are you doing here?

I suspected kirsch was up to
something. I followed him here.

Yes, chief, it was kirsch
who rewired hymie

And programmed
him to attack you.

That solves that problem.
What's going on there?

She loves him, chief.

My niece in love with a robot?

Well, it's not so bad, chief.

It could have been
a washing machine.

You've done it again, max,

Even though your methods
were a little unorthodox.

Sorry I had to disobey
your orders, chief,

But I knew hymie was innocent. I
simply had to go out and prove it.

Now my problem is what
am I gonna do about phoebe?

Yes. Well, I've had long
talk with phoebe, chief,

And I've explained
everything to her

And I think
she understands.

Chief: phoebe!
Are you all right?

Yes, max explained
everything to me.

He was very kind and patient.

He made me understand something

- That I hadn't realized before.
- What?

Well, I almost made
a terrible mistake.

I met a man who was
warm and considerate

And because I had a schoolgirl
crush on someone else,

I almost passed him by.

But now I know
who I really love.

- You don't mean...
- Yes.

Max, can you ever forgive me?

Phoebe, I've known
max for a long while

And believe me, I'm very...

Fond of him,

But if it comes down to a
choice between the two of them,

Please take hymie.