01x08 - The Day Smart Turned Chicken

[bunniefuu]

- [ knocking on door ]
- take it easy, take it easy!

I'm coming, I'm coming!

[ knocking continues ]

You've got the wrong apartment.
There's no party here.

Man:
somebody's after me.
i need your help.

let me in, please!

Listen, wrangler,
I don't wanna be
a party pooper,

But you've got
a knife in your back.
Did you know that?

Must talk!
Must talk!

- Take it easy now,
take it easy!
- Must talk!

All right, just let me
get you up here
to this couch.

- Now, there you go.
- No, they might
come back.

- Please, another room.
- Another room.uh...

I'll take you upstairs
to the bedroom.

Now wait a minute,
I've got a plan here.

I'll just take you up
with the old fireman's carry.

[ Grunts ]

I've got an
alternate plan.

Take a hold of me there.
There you go!

Now it's going
to be all right.

I once knew a guy
who had a knife
in his heart

And lived for 15 years.
Would you believe it?

That's hard to believe!

Would you believe


I don't think so.

How about a pin
in his nose?

You're just trying
to cheer me up.

Let's take it easy,
fella!

You're going
to be all right.
There we go.

Important information.

Matter of life
or death

Must talk!

First you'll sleep,
then you'll talk.

Now just lie back,
you'll feel--

- [ Groans ]
- ooh!

I'm terribly sorry
about that.

Yeah--
uh.

Sorry, partner.

Now I'll never know
what he wanted to tell me.

information.
must talk!

Yes!i'm listening.
Go ahead.

They're going
to poison him.

Poison?
Poison who?

Well, you tried.
At least I know they're
gonna poison someone.

- I'd better
notify the chief.
- the ambassador!

The ambassador?

- They're going
to poison the ambassador?
- Yes, the ambassador.

Are you finished?

At least I know
they're going poison
the ambassador.

But which ambassador?
Which ambassador?

Which ambassador?

Hello, chief?
This is max.

Listen, chief,

I don't exactly know
how to tell you this,

But I've got
a dead cowboy in my bed,

And they're going
to poison the ambassador.

No, chief,
a dead cowboy.

No, chief, I'm not
crazy with fatigue.

I'm telling you,
there's a dead cowboy
in my bed.

Yes, well I think
you'd better get over here
on the double.


Right, chief.

The chief is on his way.
He'll be here right--

Cowboy?
Where are you, cowboy?

Come on, old wrangler!
No hiding now!

[ theme music playing ]

Max, you've got
to face the facts.

You've just been
having a nightmare!
A bad dream!

Chief,
I'm wide awake!

Max, listen to me.
For the past four months

You've been on one
of the toughest cases
of your career.

You've traveled
thousands of miles
gathering evidence

That will put
the leaders of kaos
behind bars.

Well, I got the evidence,
didn't i, chief?

Working, driving,
pushing, striving,
straining,

Working, moving,
moving, moving,

Moving!

I'm sorry, chief,
forgive me.

I'm not myself.
I'm so tired.

Max, the only thing

That will make our case
against kaos stick

Is your testimony
at that hearing
tomorrow morning.

Now you've got
to have your wits
about you in court

Or all your
fieldwork will--

Will just be gone
right down the drain.

But, chief,
the ambassador!

There is no ambassador
and there is no cowboy.

There's only your
own exhausted mind
playing games with you.

- You really think so?
- Yes, I do.

Maybe I should
get some sleep.

Yes, I think you ought
to get some sleep

Because I want you
to have your wits
about you

Tomorrow
at that courtroom.

Maybe you're right,
chief.

I must have imagined
the whole thing.

Yes, now go on upstairs
and get sleep

And you'll be in shape
for tomorrow.

Thank you, chief,
I appreciate your
coming over.

Sorry about that,
chief.

Gotta get a grip
on myself.

Whole thing must've been
just a bad dream.

[ Sighs ]

Oh.
Pardon me, fella.

"Pardon me, fella"?

You're back!

I've gotta tell the chief.
Wait right here!

Chief!
Chief!

Too late, he's gone.

That means I won't
be able to reach him

Until he gets
back to his house.

The chief is--

I don't understand it.

First he was here,
and then he was gone

And now he's back!
Where could he have gone to?

Cowboy:
hid on the ledge
outside the window.

Outside the window,
of course.

No wonder
I couldn't find you.

- But why?
- I heard noises, voices.

I was afraid
they were coming back
to finish me off.

I've got a feeling
nobody can finish you off.

They're coming
back for me.

They?
Who are they?

- Kaos.
- Kaos!

You mean kaos
is going to poison
the ambassador?

Yes, tonight
at a masquerade party
at the embassy.

I was on my way there
when they got me.

How are they going
to poison him?

A toast at midnight--
poison punch.

Poison punch
at the embassy.

What embassy?

- what embassy?
- Morovian embassy!

Morovian embassy.

Quick,
get me a doctor.

Don't worry,
just stay here and rest
and take it easy

There's a doctor downstairs,
I'll get her.

Take it easy and rest,
and don't get excited.

Just lie right there.
I'll get the doctor.

Now-- now, just lie still
and don't move.

And avoid starchy foods.

Oh!i'm sorry,
but I don't have
any time.

Besides, I have
all the brushes I need.

Oh-- no no no.
I'm dr. Andrew fish.

- May I see mrs. Dawson?
- I'm terribly sorry,

But mrs. Dawson lives
in the apartment down
at the end of the hall.

Thank you so much.
Terribly sorry
I disturbed you.

You didn't disturb me.
I was just on my way out
to find a doctor.

- Oh.
- "Doctor"?

Doctor, I think you'd
better step inside.

But mrs. Dawson
has broken her ankle.

I understand
she's in great pain.

You see, the poor woman
tripped over her cat.

I really think
I should go.

Uh, doctor, a man
has been stabbed.

- Where?
- In my bedroom.

Lead the way, sir.

I'm sorry.
I'm afraid I'm too late.

He's dead.

That'll be $12,
please.

- $12?
- Well, that's standard
for a house call.

Hmm.i should have
brought him down
to your office.

If you'll just give me
the necessary details

I'll prepare
the death certificate
and notify the police.

- I'm afraid
you can't do that, doctor.
- I'm required to by law!

- Doctor, do you know
who I am?
- No.

My card.

"Ahn kipness,
furrier to the stars."

- You're a furrier?
- No, doctor.

If you'll just
hold this card up
to the light,

You'll see my
true identity.

Maxwell smart,
secret agent 86.

Oh.hmm.

Is this a--
this is a security matter.

That's right, doctor.
I want you to forget

Everything you've seen
or heard here tonight.

Wipe it completely
from your memory.

Now remember, doctor,

I want you
to wipe everything
from your memory.

Wipe everything
from my memory.

Er-- even my $12?

Especially your $12.

Thank you, doctor.
Good night.

Uh... Good night.

I've gotta contact
the chief immediately.

Hello, chief?
Max.

Listen, chief,
you know that dead cowboy
I told you about?

Yeah.well,
he's dead again.

That's not nice, chief.

Well I have proof
this time.

I brought in a doctor,
and the doctor examined him,

And pronounced him dead.

What doctor?

Er, dr. Fish.

If you don't believe me,
I'll get the doctor

And he can tell you himself.
Hold on.

[ doorbell rings ]

Mrs. Dawson,
I'm terribly sorry
to disturb you.

Do you know
what time it is?

Yes, but I knew
you'd still be up
with your ankle.

I'm rarely up
without it.

I hope you didn't have
to walk all the way
to the door.

No, I took a bus
from the living room.

Mrs. Dawson, it's very
important that I speak
with dr. Fish.

- Dr. who?
- fish.fish!

Dr. Fish is out
with lawyer bird

And farmer fox.

But, mrs. Dawson,
what about your ankle?

- What about it?
- Oh.

Well,
it's quite lovely.

I'd love to stay
and talk about it,

But I have somebody
on the phone.

Why don't you try
and get some sleep,
mrs. Dawson?

Hello, chief?

Dr. Fish was gone,

But the body is still--

You'd better
stand by, chief.

And switch to phone x-b-b.

Hello, chief?
Max.

Listen, just forget
the whole thing.

Just pretend you're dreaming
I'm talking to you.

Because I'm dreaming
that you're dreaming

That I'm talking to you.

It can't be a dream.
Not twice in a row!

Can I be that
I'm losing my mind?

Well there's only
one way to find out.

Hello, operator?
This is an emergency.

Get me the morovian embassy.

Max:
hello? Morovian embassy?

Yes? This is the
morovian embassy.

Listen, this is
very important.

I've got to find out
if there's a masquerade party

For the ambassador tonight.

Yes, it's going on
right now.

I have to speak
to the ambassador.

I'm sorry, sir.
Why don't you try tomorrow?

But you don't understand.
This is vital!

It's a matter
of life and death!

i'll come right over.

It won't do you
any good, sir.

This is a private party.
Even if you were invited,

You couldn't get in
without a costume.

I'm sorry.

I've got to get
into that embassy.

"The all-night
costume company."

The cowboy must
have dropped this!

He took the bait.

Of course he did.
No control agent
can stand up

To the logic
and planning of kaos.

And when smart gets on
that stand tomorrow,

The whole case
against kaos will be
thrown out of court.

Isn't that so,
dr.fish?

Right.even his chief
thinks he's cracking up.

And now he's
falling into our trap
at the embassy.

I've gotta change
and get over there.
It's almost midnight.

After tonight,
the whole world
will believe

Maxwell smart is
a babbling lunatic!

I don't have any
little orphan annies.

I'm trying to explain
to you that a fella came
in here this morning,

Kind of weird-looking guy,
with dark glasses,

And a scar on his face,
and he cleaned me out
completely.

I've got to have a costume,
it's a matter of life
and death.

Don't you have anything,
anything at all?

He did leave this
one costume, and I don't
think you want it.

It's a return from
the 4-h club picnic.

I'll take it.
Where's the dressing room?

In there.
But now listen, you--

Let us raise
our glasses high.
To our honored host,

The ambassador
of morovia.

Thank you,
my friends.

This is a proud
and wonderful moment
for me to be with--

Don't drink that punch!
It's poison!

I know that man.
That's maxwell smart!

Mr. Ambassador,
as soon as I found out
about the masquerade party--

- What masquerade party?
- This masquerade party!

That's why I had
the foresight to take
this chicken--

These are the worst costumes
I've ever seen in my life!

You and I are a cinch
for first and second prizes.

Grab him.
He's gone berserk!

Mr. Ambassador, this is
a plot against your life.

One sip from
that punch means
instant death.

That's ridiculous!

Would you believe
two sips?

Very tasty.

the man is
obviously a lunatic.

Now kindly remove
this mad chicken!

I'm not a chicken!
I'm a secret agent.

Mr. Ambassador,
they're trying
to k*ll you.

The dead cowboy
told me.

They k*lled him
twice!

Gentlemen,
this pretrial hearing

Is an examination
of evidence

To determine
whether or not
a true indictment

Shall be drawn up
against certain alleged
leaders of kaos,

An international
organization of evil.

Your honor, I think
we can end this hearing
very quickly.

The government's
entire would-be case

Is based on the testimony
of one man--

Maxwell smart.

Now we intend to show

Mr. Smart's testimony
is inadmissible

By virtue of the fact
that he is incompetent,
deranged,

And not in full possession
of his faculties.

Don't worry, chief.
They haven't got
a case.

The odds against them
are 1,000 to one.

My first witness will be
the morovian ambassador.

Make that
eight to five.

Hr burst into the room
dressed as a chicken,

att*cked me, knocked
the drink from my hand,

And mumbled something
about poison.

Middle of the night,
he bangs on my door

With a wild look
in them beady eyes of his...

Screaming for a "dr. Fish,"

And tells me
I've got a broken ankle.

When I drank the punch,
he got furious.

it's apparent
that his actions
can only be described

As the ravings of a madman.

No, there was no
dead cowboy,

And there was no
dr. Fish.

- But you have to remember--
- that's all, chief.

- But I'd like to point out--
- please, step down.

A man who sees
imaginary cowboys,

Some living, some dead,

Whose own twisted mind

Manufactures plots
to poison ambassadors

And who likes to dress up
like a chicken,

That's the government's
star witness

And the reason why
this pretrial hearing

Is nothing more
than an empty farce.

Your honor,
I beg the court's
indulgence.

I demand the right
to cross-examine

Some of these witnesses
whose testimony

Has made my future seem...
Shall we say dim?

Let's say
jet black.

Your honor,
may I continue?

Well it's most
unusual procedure,
mr. Chicken--

Mr. smart.
it's an intriguing case,

So you have the
court's permission.

Thank you, your honor.
I plan to prove

That I am in complete
possession of my wits.

And so as
my first witness,

I should like to call
to the stand

My old friend
and good neighbor,

Mrs. Harriet
eulalie dawson.

Now, mrs. Dawson,

Exactly how long
have we been
neighbors?

Too long!

I wonder if you
could be a little
more specific?

Six years too long!

Now, mrs. Dawson,

I'd like you to think
very carefully

About the next question
that I'm going to ask you.

Take your time,
think it over
before you answer.

In all the years
that we have known
each other

Has there been any time

That I have ever given
you cause or reason

To suspect my sanity?

[ Cackling ]

[ gavel bangs ]

Next witness,
your honor.

Now you are the chief
of control.

- Is that correct?
- That is correct.

Would you kindly
tell this court

Your complete
and full name?

I'm afraid I can't.
That's confidential
information.

Then tell the court
your first name.

My identity is
class-a security.

Come on, chief,
tell us your first name.

Chief, it can't hurt
to give just your first name!

Thaddeus.

- Thaddeus?
- [ gavel bangs ]

Sorry about that,
chief.

How many cases
have I worked on
for control?

I'd say
more than 100.

And how would you
evaluate my services

As a secret
service agent?

Now let me ask you
this question--

And chief, try and keep
your answers brief.

In all of those cases

Was there any time
when you wished

That there was
someone else on
the case besides me?

Let me see if I can
think of a question

That you can answer.

What is my name?

Chief:
maxwell smart.

Thank you, thaddeus,
you can step down.

And now, your honor--

Mr. Smart,
if you can show

That this unusual line
of questioning

Has any direct bearing
on your case--

I'm getting to that,
your honor.

I have here in my hand,

Exhibit "c"--
the chicken head mask

That I wore on the night
in question.

And I would like
to put this mask on

And recreate the events
of that evening.

Your honor, I object!

He's turning this hearing
into a circus.

I know what I'm
doing, your honor.

Mr. Smart, if you
have something to say,

Remove that ridiculous
chicken head

So that I can
see your face!

But your honor,
I'm sure that
if I could--

Of course!
That's it!

Your honor,
I should like to have
the privilege of calling

One last witness
to the stand.

All right, smart.
One more witness.

...and then did you,
or did you not

Rush across
that crowded room

And shout,
"I know that man,
it's maxwell smart"?

Yes, I did.

But how could you have
possibly recognized me

When my face was
completely hidden
by this chicken mask?

- Well, i--
- and what's more,

What man
would drink punch

That was supposed
to be poison?

Only a man who knew

There was no poison
in the first place;

A man whose whole scheme

Was to discredit me
and my testimony
in this courtroom;

A man who tried to tamper
with a federal witness.

And if my calculations
are correct,

You are that man;

A man who owes his
allegiance to kaos.

well, your honor,
my case is complete.

This is your villain.

This is your culprit

And this is his g*n.

Stay back!
Get over there, bailiff!

- Keep your hands up!
- You're crazy!

You'll never get through
the guards at the door!

I have my own means
of escape!

Mr. Smart, I must say
that your logic was
quite brilliant.

however, I regret
i can't stay here

And help you celebrate
your victory.

I'm afraid I must--
I must take my leave
of you now!

don't be a fool!

It's five stories
straight down to
a hard pavement.

- I'm in a hurry!
- Oh.

Well, that is
the quickest way down.

You really think
I'm stupid enough to jump

Out of a window
five stories high

Without having taken
certain safety precautions?

Below this window is
a kaos truck full
of mattresses.

Well, gentlemen,
farewell!

[ Screams ]

Judge:
order order order!

Missed it by that much.

[ knocks on door ]

Wait a minute!

Don't even have time
to fix my breakfast!

[ knocking continues ]

Oh, hi, chief!
Good to see you.
What's up?

The trial date
has been set, max.

We've really got
kaos on the run
this time,

- Thanks to you.
- No thanks necessary.

Oh, yes they are.

I'm afraid
I lost faith in you

For a little while
there, but--

I must say, those kaos boys
did a remarkable job

Of making you look like
you were cracking up.

I understand perfectly,
chief.

You know, max,
it's amazing how much

You did seem to think
you were a chicken.

You know, chief,
there were times

When I really thought
I was a chicken.

- [ teakettle whistling ]
- excuse me, chief.

- My tea is ready.
- Yeah.

[ theme music playing ]