01x01 - All at No. 20

[bunniefuu]

I think they like it mum

well I'm hearing slow murmurs of

approval which means they haven't

spotted that plasticine holding the

radiator valves together in your bedroom

oh they probably got other things on

their mind like the mushrooms on the

land suck Chester doors in front of

those that's a very devious thing to do

Monica really sneaky and underhand well

done

no way we can hide that rising damp in

the basement oh don't be such a

defeatist all we need is about 15

wardrobes it's tearing you apart isn't

having to sell we fell in love with this

house when you were still in disposables

it was far too big and we couldn't

possibly afford it but little details

like that never put off your dad I think

he was the most optimistic man who ever

lived and that basements a prime example

how do you mean well he reckoned that

his DIY damp-proofing would last a

thousand years

he lasted till the weather broke yeah

for aging history now time to face facts

I can't go on and on borrowing money to

pay the mortgage another threatening

letter this morning from that loan shown

oh yes usual thing pay up or we break

your legs you said that well more or

less

now this man never got to be a bank

manager I'll never know

how come down let me took out life

insurance because optimists like him

don't think about things like that till

then lodging 90 Lola Barbie track shoes

what what are you sure I can't get you

anything else Carol like an ambulance

well enter he's trying to get healthy I

think you should tell your friend if she

gets any healthier she'd be dead not

bored in Iran Edinburgh I want around

the block more g*n how do you want over

do it so I say I feel terrific huh

just go up to my room and sleep a week

they're not even out of my mind I think

we have potential buyers upstairs it

would just drop quietly back to this

open and you can expire there oh yes but

insurmountable problem um there's only

one it in plasticine

in here oh that's a good place to put

the budgies out of the Sun and cats can

sleep by the cooker that's the best

place for him he doesn't know how to

behave in a bedroom so I keep him

downstairs it's been a firm rule ever

since he wiggled on the do that that

tree would have to go for a start oh now

my husband and I planted that willow the

day we moved in I've nothing against

willows per se mrs. Hedden but if and I

do emphasize if we should decide to

purchase I would be thinking more in

terms of a patio in that area Oh an

awful shame to destroy such a beautiful

tree I'd have no objections on principle

should you decide to take it with you

mr. melchid I'm probably moving into a

flat that tree is 30-foot high I need

one hell of a window box come on

oh if that that's Carol she's a

removable fixture

I think we'll see the basement now for

my of course hope you got your well is

with you are you trying to do pull them

off

does it show duh

do I know you I'll try again

duh getting warm well if I'm only still

I'm getting is worried are you selling

something all of you escapes in

somewhere I find it's hard to believe

but I don't think you remember who I am

do you know I'm afraid I don't cast your

mind back Guildford New Year's Eve well

that is a bit out of my head that night

he gave me your address

and told me to drop by anytime I was in

London well like I said I was a bit out

of my head that night right Oh mom this

is um Chris temple hello sweetie glad

somebody is sugar one please look about

Guildford I really don't remember very

much well we um did we with it a two

ships passing in the night situation we

didn't dock if that's what you're

wondering

oh yeah thanks Oh oh yes that's that's

Carol born-again jogger currently in

intensive care

this is really good thanks I painted it

I meant the coffee but the painting has

its merits I think it stinks well now

you mention it yeah still life of a bowl

of fruit how boring can you get it was a

project they said as a art school I

reckon you did a good job under the

circumstances you've captured those

plums to perfection Thanks

they're grapes talking of still life do

you think we ought to wake it no I think

we ought to ask Chris why is brought his

suitcase with him oh well I was just

wondering if you could put me up for the

night just the one night we put Carol up

for just the one night once that was

three weeks ago

I've got a bedsit lined up in the area

but I can't look at it till tomorrow I

thought you lived in Huddersfield no

Huddersfield in me a parted company for

good I first felt the urge to escape

when I was about five but school got in

the way so what are your plans exactly

well the reason I've moved to London is

that I intend to be something fairly

huge in the media no no seriously what

are your plans I just told you hmm

ghastly isn't it we rather like it at

Rice and let's just say we're interested

doesn't a damp bother you I'll have you

always wanted a house with a moat well

it's not as bad as all that mrs. heron

and it is confined to one wall and it's

not as though it's rising then isn't it

oh no it's penetrating damp and I think

I've found a culprit well it's not next

door's dog is it you have a leaky down

pipe mrs. hatten Oh you must get that

cauterize mum cast-iron you see well

past its prime fortunately technology

has moved on a pace since this house was

built if and I do emphasize if we should

decide to purchase we would replace it

with easy-to-handle wrought proof no

maintenance required PVC

ah that makes

and by the same token we would replace

these eights and sash windows with large

pained worry-free aluminium frame double

glazing that would alter the whole

character of the house exactly I'll bet

you wish you thought well that we have

another peek upstairs

Oh peek away yes I should steer clear of

the loft though not one inquire why yes

the woodworm they hate to be disturbed

when they're eating very droll oh all

right from that your idea of the hard

sell

Philistine though all I want is to give

my house a good home can you understand

that

sure yeah but will your bank manager Oh

cheer up mum girl mr. showbiz give us a

laugh tell us more about your plans to

be huge in the media certainly but just

remember when I am huge in the media I

won't forget those cynics that scoffed

at my ambition oh I beg forgiveness your

hugeness better better what particular

aspect of the meteor you plan to be huge

increase radio I'm gonna be a DJ did I

say something funny and how do you

propose to go about this

I'll make some tapes send them to all

the radio stations and accept the best

offer

you don't think perhaps three million

other chaps might have a similar idea

yeah but the difference between them and

me is that I'm better this is no time

for false modesty mrs. happen the fact

is I ran the hottest mobile disco in

Huddersfield I see but while you're

waiting for all these offers to pour

through the letterbox how are you going

to support yourself I'll run the hottest

mobile disco in London it lives only

just my back my shoulders my eyes my my

Oh mum Carol this is Chris hi

I know we've only just met but can I

give you a massage

thank you so much goodbye

oh this think potential for a Cotswolds

style poach here missus heaven if I'm

not mistaken we'll be in touch Oh take

all the time you need years if possible

where's the second on the right Oh Chris

yeah this bed fit your after how much is

it forty quid porting what'd you get for

that feeling wallpaper and terminal

depression I should think oh I think

he's a famous man I've ever met

he's so pleased with himself hmm I'd be

pleased with myself if I look that good

that's a very shallow basis for a

relationship Carol thank you Anna Rabin

and good night Oh Chris yeah did you say

40 pounds yeah installing yeah why

nothing that's three times 40 is one

that's rageous at 3 times 35 5 350 put a

5 on the bottom a little one on the top

better mmm

so what do you do when you're not

crippling yourself well I'm a college

with monic a different course though I'm

doing fashion design you good at it

mmm most people think I'm pretty good

personally I think I'm brilliant give me

a couple of years and I'll wipe that

smile off the face of the emanuelle

that's what I like ambition you will

tell me if I'm in the way weren't you

you're in the way I live here

right ask your shoulders done time I

moved on to your thighs your pardon oh

just helping a fellow human in distress

this is heaven

is that you just dress look then Carol

oh he's losing that my shoulders a trait

congratulations you found yourself a

loose woman I want to tell you something

I know we've only just met but I think

you're the most sensational creature in

the world

I must tell Monica why she thinks you

think you are modules still pay the

mortgage and what I earn part time will

take care of the bank we won't have to

sell if I suggested the idea of Rogers

and months ago I know that you see but I

haven't fully appreciated what the going

rate was listen when I last rented a

bedsit it was two pound fifteen and six

pence a week plus hot water also you see

I thought the most we could accommodate

here besides us was two because I'd

written off the basement as unfit for

human habitation but apparently all it

needs is a new downpipe in easy to

handle rot proof now maintenance

required so you're thinking of three

lodges yes like two already there Chris

always fun isn't it

Oh hysterical and stop laughing since

you got here how would you like to have

a room here we'll understand if you

don't it'll cost you 435 pounds a week

and that includes an evening meal I'm a

good cook and anyone who says different

gets second helpings sounds great

really how about you Carol would you

like to stay on permanently 35 pounds a

week well I realize it's more than

you're paying me now it's exactly 35

pounds more than you paid me could you

manage it any just as those I'll have to

scrimp and save and warn your leg

warmers great another enthusiastic

tenant signed up Oh Chris do you have

any references not as such I tend to get

by on sheer force of personality does

that mean when rent day comes around you

give me a charming smile in a plane

blown envelope

I pay my way mrs. Han I have a few

hundred quid saved plus substantial

collateral tied up in my Mobile Disco

which comprises a van stereo gear light

show and about a thousand records

that's your van by any chance have a

roof rack it could accommodate a new

downpipe in easy to handle Rock roof now

maintain the Barclays II certainly does

see for yourself Oh which one is it

I'll give you a clue it's got Chris

temple and his temple of sound

emblazoned across the side in rather

classy multi-coloured luminous letters

but where is it pop oh there it isn't

it's been nicked someone's nicked my

career now I'll phone the police just

just stay calm Chris calm right calm um

confident you're a very confident young

man huge in the media huge cope no

problem nothing fazes me nothing course

it didn't faint

I never faint laid-back aerobics was it

I hope it's all insured the van is but

not the gear there's about a thousand

quid tied up in that I don't weed yeah I

can't wait to break the news to the

finance company that paid for it oh I'm

sure the police will find it that'll be

them now oh it's you

well I must say that friendlier welcomes

oh I'm just hoping you were someone else

well I'm sorry but is such a

disappointment I'll emigrate immediately

oh don't be silly Richard coming you're

always welcome you knew that but your

pike isn't leave it on the doorstep

Richard I have animators news you'll

marry me I said momentous not

preposterous worth a try so what's a

news I'm not selling my house I reckon I

can scrape by with three lodgers is that

really necessary you know my checkbooks

always at your disposal Richard I have

my pride I borrow money from no man

that's it my bank manager he's not

really a man with more of a virus Oh

girls IRA gentle watcher ah Chris temple

this is Richard Beamish rich is no

friend hex Royal Navy

hello hello sailor that's very funny

charlie

just a joke only just you know if I had

a penny for every time someone said

hello sailor to me I'd be a rich man you

are a rich man true what oh yes but I

didn't realize the Navy paid that well I

was fortunate enough to have a rich out

that's always handy can't say I was an

orderly fond of her in a lifetime of my

affection for I knew no bounds when a

will was read I know we've only just met

but you couldn't lend me a thousand quid

could you

now that is what I call a joke Monica

would you mind showing Chris up to his

room please

you look hot off the quill oh is it

autobiographical again I'm pretty

pleased with it but I'd appreciate an

honest opinion Oh slimmest volume yes

well some books a bit of slim why don't

I have a quick skim through it you can

back to supper and I'll tell you what I

think

splendid Thanks ah what's it called

as I sailed out from Portsmouth rather a

snappy title don't you think see your

nun father rent yes

when did you want the first installment

uh when would be most convenient year

after next are we compromised sorry and

say tomorrow Mason just a drawers

cupboard bed I often wondered what they

were all called

which is your room next one along we're

neighbors

I know how would you feel if I popped

round to borrow a cup of sugar in the

middle of the night sick not very

neighborly all right I'll have you

evicted my vans a grievous loss I could

use a little sympathy yeah well you

don't make it easy

Meeny well you come on too strong Chris

you think it's such hot stuff I bet you

get up every morning look in the mirror

and spend five minutes drooling rubbish

three at most yeah I can just see you

oh you're so gorgeous you're so much all

the best friend like you who needs

enemies Carol wait now look what you've

done I never said a word

so what's the verdict uh what would you

like or the truth oh dear

hello mr. no chief an offer ah now I'm

terribly sorry mr. Machar but I have

decided not to sell after all yes yes I

know you had big plans for it

yeah sure you would have made it the

most individual house on the street but

language mr. Melchett language and you

with PVC knobs on the up you down pipe

that's telling him incidentally how's

your bank manager feel about your new

plans

oh he's not at all bothered oh I am

surprised I'm not haven't told him yet

I'm not saying it isn't well-written

because it is all your books are it's

just that I think it's time you moved on

to fiction fiction hmm Richard even the

most eminent of men right two maybe

three volumes of autobiography and then

call it a day

you have squeezed six books out of your

life so far and I have to tell you

they're getting progressively less

gripping as I sailed out from Portsmouth

is really little more than a travelogue

true I mean the most heroic thing you do

is circumnavigate the Isle of Wight you

know about tides and such they like that

kind of thing but nothing happens

I was not gripped I kept wishing with me

to k*ll a shark or sink does your

publisher think you should try fiction

my publisher thinks I should try another

publisher

would you set the table for me please

when I call the ravenous hordes young

God let's get it gone I need to gone

over cuisine sulla table Manik has been

trying to persuade me who's all

misunderstand it was I had said Chris

cuz hell hath no fury like me given the

runaround I've just had a word with

Carol I backed up your story there's

nothing going on between us there is

nothing going on between us

early days no look Chris you may have

been a big fish in Huddersfield but to

me you're a Spratt however London's

gonna be a shock for you Oh

these wild dreams to be a DJ have you

any idea of the competition look even

that party in Guildford had a mobile

disco and I'd be amazed if you're half

as good as that oh yeah I thought you're

out of your head that night wasn't too

far gone to recognize a good DJ at work

what did he look like oh I don't know

seem to remember he had long hair didn't

you suit him that's what I thought

that's why I got it cut

lots of your van doesn't seem to have

affected your appetite first well it's a

case of Rosser are situations in it I

just have to start again from scratch

first thing in the morning I'll look for

a generous bank manager that could take

your years an epoxy like Carol sorry I'm

about to take the plunge into fiction

just wondering what the public wants

how about a steamy body Serena I thought

that would certainly not Monica oh I see

you was a Freddie Forsythe in a barber

Cartman now that is the best news I've

heard all day

so I think you should try an

action-packed thriller hmm how about you

Chris what would you like me to write

I'd like to write me a check for a

thousand quid hello

yes it's please oh that's wonderful

he was so relieved oh they abandoned it

mmm yes well there's roadworks on the m1

a 40 the best of us was anything missing

oh I see oh I see well thank you very

much he'll be around to pick it up in

the morning

ah was anything missing just the one

disc apparently I won't press charges if

it was Barry Manilow no they run a check

apparently it's never there in the first

place

hey your road tax

proud of you one bound you've saved the

family-owned oh yes I really come up

trumps have now two larger so far I want

a penniless student the other att*cks

dodge it'll be alright

I reckon this calls for a toast

all good idea yeah where's champagne in

the off-licence but we have a very

classy vintage of cocoa here's to all at

number 20