Colonel varbodimnikov, we
just ran in right from the
affiliates dinner, so perhaps
Just ran in right from the
affiliates dinner, so perhaps
we're not up to date on the
Affiliates dinner, so perhaps
we're not up to date on the
latest details.
We're not up to date on the
latest details.
What is this about
Latest details.
What is this about
marshal brezhnev wanting to back
What is this about
marshal brezhnev wanting to back
out?
Marshal brezhnev wanting to back
out?
I thought we had a deal.
Out?
I thought we had a deal.
The national broadcasting
I thought we had a deal.
The national broadcasting
company has agreed to pay in
The national broadcasting
company has agreed to pay in
exchange for all videotape
Company has agreed to pay in
exchange for all videotape
rights... Visual and sound... To
Exchange for all videotape
rights... Visual and sound... To
the 1980 moscow-held olympics to
Rights... Visual and sound... To
the 1980 moscow-held olympics to
the soviet people's sports
The 1980 moscow-held olympics to
the soviet people's sports
tribunal, the sum of 80 million
The soviet people's sports
tribunal, the sum of 80 million
american dollars.
Tribunal, the sum of 80 million
american dollars.
Is that right?
American dollars.
Is that right?
[Russian accent] good.
Is that right?
[Russian accent] good.
Plus... I have a "plus."
[Russian accent] good.
Plus... I have a "plus."
Plus the army of the soviet gets
Plus... I have a "plus."
Plus the army of the soviet gets
all videotape-recording
Plus the army of the soviet gets
all videotape-recording
equipment at location...
All videotape-recording
equipment at location...
Cameras, lights, trucks,
Equipment at location...
Cameras, lights, trucks,
screens.
Cameras, lights, trucks,
screens.
Herb, I'm not sure that's
Screens.
Herb, I'm not sure that's
within the parameters which the
Herb, I'm not sure that's
within the parameters which the
nbc board outlined to us.
Within the parameters which the
nbc board outlined to us.
Phil, this is the greatest
Nbc board outlined to us.
Phil, this is the greatest
deal in the history of
Phil, this is the greatest
deal in the history of
television.
Deal in the history of
television.
I'm not gonna blow it over a few
Television.
I'm not gonna blow it over a few
lousy minicams.
I'm not gonna blow it over a few
lousy minicams.
Gentlemen, please agree.
Lousy minicams.
Gentlemen, please agree.
Marshal brezhnev will be
Gentlemen, please agree.
Marshal brezhnev will be
returning shortly.
Marshal brezhnev will be
returning shortly.
Okay, colonel, you've got
Returning shortly.
Okay, colonel, you've got
your equipment.
Okay, colonel, you've got
your equipment.
Good! Good!
Your equipment.
Good! Good!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Good! Good!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Mr. Brezhnev is finished in the
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Mr. Brezhnev is finished in the
bathroom.
Mr. Brezhnev is finished in the
bathroom.
[Speaking russian]
Bathroom.
[Speaking russian]
[speaking russian]
[Speaking russian]
[speaking russian]
colonel, I guess you can tell
[Speaking russian]
colonel, I guess you can tell
marshal brezhnev that we have a
Colonel, I guess you can tell
marshal brezhnev that we have a
deal.
Marshal brezhnev that we have a
deal.
[Speaking russian]
Deal.
[Speaking russian]
[speaking russian]
[Speaking russian]
[speaking russian]
no. He says no deal.
[Speaking russian]
no. He says no deal.
He has additional demands.
No. He says no deal.
He has additional demands.
Additional demands?
He has additional demands.
Additional demands?
Herb, I thought we'd covered
Additional demands?
Herb, I thought we'd covered
everything.
Herb, I thought we'd covered
everything.
Colonel, please correct me if
Everything.
Colonel, please correct me if
I'm wrong, but haven't we
Colonel, please correct me if
I'm wrong, but haven't we
already agreed to all of your
I'm wrong, but haven't we
already agreed to all of your
terms?
Already agreed to all of your
terms?
[Speaking russian]
Terms?
[Speaking russian]
[speaking russian]
[Speaking russian]
[speaking russian]
psssss!
[Speaking russian]
psssss!
[Imitates expl*si*n]
Psssss!
[Imitates expl*si*n]
aah!
[Imitates expl*si*n]
aah!
He is saying he will go home
Aah!
He is saying he will go home
and push the...
He is saying he will go home
and push the...
Yes, yes, I think I know what
And push the...
Yes, yes, I think I know what
he means.
Yes, yes, I think I know what
he means.
What else can we do for him?
He means.
What else can we do for him?
[Speaking russian]
What else can we do for him?
[Speaking russian]
[speaking russian]
[Speaking russian]
[speaking russian]
he says he would like to see
[Speaking russian]
he says he would like to see
more detailed operation of your
He says he would like to see
more detailed operation of your
network inside.
More detailed operation of your
network inside.
I'll set up a studio tour for
Network inside.
I'll set up a studio tour for
him.
I'll set up a studio tour for
him.
[Speaking russian]
Him.
[Speaking russian]
he wants to be on television.
[Speaking russian]
he wants to be on television.
I have no problem with that,
He wants to be on television.
I have no problem with that,
phil.
I have no problem with that,
phil.
When?
Phil.
When?
The night before the s.a.l.t.
When?
The night before the s.a.l.t.
Talks.
The night before the s.a.l.t.
Talks.
Well, I'm sure programming
Talks.
Well, I'm sure programming
would jump at that.
Well, I'm sure programming
would jump at that.
Yeah, but I could foresee
Would jump at that.
Yeah, but I could foresee
some very heavy resistance from
Yeah, but I could foresee
some very heavy resistance from
legal on this.
Some very heavy resistance from
legal on this.
[Speaking russian]
Legal on this.
[Speaking russian]
mnnnnn!
[Speaking russian]
mnnnnn!
[Imitates expl*si*n]
Mnnnnn!
[Imitates expl*si*n]
I'm sure we can arrange
[Imitates expl*si*n]
I'm sure we can arrange
something.
I'm sure we can arrange
something.
Phil, give network news a call.
Something.
Phil, give network news a call.
Maybe he can do an hour with
Phil, give network news a call.
Maybe he can do an hour with
chancellor.
Maybe he can do an hour with
chancellor.
[Speaking russian]
Chancellor.
[Speaking russian]
no, no, no. No chancellor.
[Speaking russian]
no, no, no. No chancellor.
He says he wants to go to
No, no, no. No chancellor.
He says he wants to go to
coast.
He says he wants to go to
coast.
Johnny. Johnny.
Coast.
Johnny. Johnny.
Johnny.
Johnny. Johnny.
Johnny.
He wants to be on johnny.
Johnny.
He wants to be on johnny.
Phil, call freddy in l.a. And
He wants to be on johnny.
Phil, call freddy in l.a. And
tell him to book soviet party
Phil, call freddy in l.a. And
tell him to book soviet party
leader brezhnev on carson.
Tell him to book soviet party
leader brezhnev on carson.
[Speaking russian]
Leader brezhnev on carson.
[Speaking russian]
wait. Wait.
[Speaking russian]
wait. Wait.
He says he doesn't want to be on
Wait. Wait.
He says he doesn't want to be on
last 15 minutes of program.
He says he doesn't want to be on
last 15 minutes of program.
[Speaking russian]
Last 15 minutes of program.
[Speaking russian]
he says he wants to be on
[Speaking russian]
he says he wants to be on
with johnny... No guest hosts,
He says he wants to be on
with johnny... No guest hosts,
no david brenner, no
With johnny... No guest hosts,
no david brenner, no
mclean stevenson.
No david brenner, no
mclean stevenson.
Yes. Also, he says, he wants
Mclean stevenson.
Yes. Also, he says, he wants
as special guest clint eastwood.
Yes. Also, he says, he wants
as special guest clint eastwood.
[Imitates g*nf*re]
As special guest clint eastwood.
[Imitates g*nf*re]
herb, you know, he could
[Imitates g*nf*re]
herb, you know, he could
guest host.
Herb, you know, he could
guest host.
That's a great idea, phil.
Guest host.
That's a great idea, phil.
Look, we're in a position here
That's a great idea, phil.
Look, we're in a position here
to save the world.
Look, we're in a position here
to save the world.
You on johnny... Johnny!
To save the world.
You on johnny... Johnny!
"And he-e-e-e-e-re's leonid!"
You on johnny... Johnny!
"And he-e-e-e-e-re's leonid!"
Together: [humming "the
"And he-e-e-e-e-re's leonid!"
Together: [humming "the
tonight show" theme]
Together: [humming "the
tonight show" theme]
well?
[Tonight show" theme]
well?
We got a deal.
Well?
We got a deal.
We got a deal?
We got a deal.
We got a deal?
Do we have a deal?
We got a deal?
Do we have a deal?
Yes.
Do we have a deal?
Yes.
Uh, also, he would very much
Yes.
Uh, also, he would very much
like to say...
Uh, also, he would very much
like to say...
Live from new york, it's
Like to say...
Live from new york, it's
"saturday night"!
Live from new york, it's
"saturday night"!
[Band plays]
Announcer: nbc's
"saturday night"...
Starring...
"Saturday night"...
Starring...
With special guests...
Ladies and gentlemen...
Elliott gould!
[Cheers and applause]
Well, hello, hello, hello,
hello!
And here I am back in new york,
Hello!
And here I am back in new york,
and this is where I'm from,
And here I am back in new york,
and this is where I'm from,
right?
And this is where I'm from,
right?
[Cheers and applause]
Right?
[Cheers and applause]
you know, when I was a littler
[Cheers and applause]
you know, when I was a littler
kid, I was told that I was
You know, when I was a littler
kid, I was told that I was
supposed to be a song-and-dance
Kid, I was told that I was
supposed to be a song-and-dance
man on broadway, so I did that.
Supposed to be a song-and-dance
man on broadway, so I did that.
And whenever I come on the show,
Man on broadway, so I did that.
And whenever I come on the show,
I know the first time... I love
And whenever I come on the show,
I know the first time... I love
to sing old songs.
I know the first time... I love
to sing old songs.
And I sang "crazy rhythm" and
To sing old songs.
And I sang "crazy rhythm" and
"let yourself go."
And I sang "crazy rhythm" and
"let yourself go."
And then last time, I sang
"Let yourself go."
And then last time, I sang
"anything goes," by cole porter.
And then last time, I sang
"anything goes," by cole porter.
And tonight I had planned to
"Anything goes," by cole porter.
And tonight I had planned to
sing the verse of
And tonight I had planned to
sing the verse of
"all the things you are" and
Sing the verse of
"all the things you are" and
"don't fence me in" and
"All the things you are" and
"don't fence me in" and
"you got to have heart," but we
"Don't fence me in" and
"you got to have heart," but we
got a better idea.
"You got to have heart," but we
got a better idea.
I'd like to re-introduce a dance
Got a better idea.
I'd like to re-introduce a dance
song that was the rage a long
I'd like to re-introduce a dance
song that was the rage a long
time ago, and it's almost
Song that was the rage a long
time ago, and it's almost
forgotten now.
Time ago, and it's almost
forgotten now.
It was written by
Forgotten now.
It was written by
mr. Tommy malone and
It was written by
mr. Tommy malone and
moe silverfarb, both of them
Mr. Tommy malone and
moe silverfarb, both of them
gone now, god bless them.
Moe silverfarb, both of them
gone now, god bless them.
And it's from a show called "the
Gone now, god bless them.
And it's from a show called "the
gypsy priest," which opened in
And it's from a show called "the
gypsy priest," which opened in
the winter garden theater in the
Gypsy priest," which opened in
the winter garden theater in the
spring of 1927, and it set all
The winter garden theater in the
spring of 1927, and it set all
america dancing.
Spring of 1927, and it set all
america dancing.
So tonight, folks, 50 years
America dancing.
So tonight, folks, 50 years
later, I'd like to show it to
So tonight, folks, 50 years
later, I'd like to show it to
you.
Later, I'd like to show it to
you.
[Up-tempo music playing]
You.
[Up-tempo music playing]
announcer: and now, live from
[Up-tempo music playing]
announcer: and now, live from
studio 8h, high atop manhattan's
Announcer: and now, live from
studio 8h, high atop manhattan's
famed rockefeller plaza, nbc
Studio 8h, high atop manhattan's
famed rockefeller plaza, nbc
proudly presents the dance craze
Famed rockefeller plaza, nbc
proudly presents the dance craze
you've all been waiting for...
Proudly presents the dance craze
you've all been waiting for...
"The castration walk!"
You've all been waiting for...
"The castration walk!"
Together: ♪ put your hand on
"The castration walk!"
Together: ♪ put your hand on
your crotch and the other one,
Together: ♪ put your hand on
your crotch and the other one,
too ♪
Your crotch and the other one,
too ♪
♪ then you give a little squeeze
Too ♪
♪ then you give a little squeeze
till your boots turn blue ♪
♪ Then you give a little squeeze
till your boots turn blue ♪
♪ and it hurts so much you can
Till your boots turn blue ♪
♪ and it hurts so much you can
barely talk ♪
♪ And it hurts so much you can
barely talk ♪
now you're doing the
Barely talk ♪
now you're doing the
castration walk ♪
Now you're doing the
castration walk ♪
together: ♪ then you hop on
Castration walk ♪
together: ♪ then you hop on
your foot and you roll on the
Together: ♪ then you hop on
your foot and you roll on the
floor ♪
Your foot and you roll on the
floor ♪
♪ and you knock things over and
Floor ♪
♪ and you knock things over and
you bang on the door ♪
♪ And you knock things over and
you bang on the door ♪
♪ and you scream, "ow! Ow!" ♪
You bang on the door ♪
♪ and you scream, "ow! Ow!" ♪
♪ And you shout, "ohh! Ohh!" ♪
♪ And you scream, "ow! Ow!" ♪
♪ And you shout, "ohh! Ohh!" ♪
♪ Now you're doing the
♪ And you shout, "ohh! Ohh!" ♪
♪ Now you're doing the
castration walk ♪
♪ Now you're doing the
castration walk ♪
together: ♪ then your voice
Castration walk ♪
together: ♪ then your voice
goes up ♪
Together: ♪ then your voice
goes up ♪
[high-pitched] ♪ and you sound
Goes up ♪
[high-pitched] ♪ and you sound
like this ♪
[High-pitched] ♪ and you sound
like this ♪
♪ and you don't want to hug and
Like this ♪
♪ and you don't want to hug and
you don't want to kiss ♪
♪ And you don't want to hug and
you don't want to kiss ♪
♪ and your shorts don't fit and
You don't want to kiss ♪
♪ and your shorts don't fit and
you start to squawk ♪
♪ And your shorts don't fit and
you start to squawk ♪
♪ now you're doing the
You start to squawk ♪
♪ now you're doing the
castration walk ♪
[Cheers and applause]
together: now you're doing
the castration ♪
Together: now you're doing
the castration ♪
♪ it's a brand-new sensation ♪
The castration ♪
♪ it's a brand-new sensation ♪
[normal voice] ♪ I went to
♪ It's a brand-new sensation ♪
[normal voice] ♪ I went to
the rabbi, and he sent me to the
[Normal voice] ♪ I went to
the rabbi, and he sent me to the
mohel ♪
The rabbi, and he sent me to the
mohel ♪
♪ but the mohel was clumsy, and
Mohel ♪
♪ but the mohel was clumsy, and
he made me a "gohel" ♪
♪ But the mohel was clumsy, and
he made me a "gohel" ♪
together: [high-pitched]
He made me a "gohel" ♪
together: [high-pitched]
♪ now you're doing the
Together: [high-pitched]
♪ now you're doing the
castration ♪
♪ Now you're doing the
castration ♪
♪ it will soon sweep the
Castration ♪
♪ it will soon sweep the
nation ♪
♪ It will soon sweep the
nation ♪
[normal voice] ♪ I was
Nation ♪
[normal voice] ♪ I was
sliding down the banister and
[Normal voice] ♪ I was
sliding down the banister and
didn't see the ouch ♪
Sliding down the banister and
didn't see the ouch ♪
♪ now I feel like a kangaroo who
Didn't see the ouch ♪
♪ now I feel like a kangaroo who
lost his pouch ♪
♪ Now I feel like a kangaroo who
lost his pouch ♪
together: [high-pitched]
Lost his pouch ♪
together: [high-pitched]
♪ now you're doing the
Together: [high-pitched]
♪ now you're doing the
castration ♪
♪ Now you're doing the
castration ♪
♪ it's no cause for elation ♪
Castration ♪
♪ it's no cause for elation ♪
officer, I'd like to report a
♪ It's no cause for elation ♪
officer, I'd like to report a
jewel heist!
Officer, I'd like to report a
jewel heist!
Together: ♪ now you're doing
Jewel heist!
Together: ♪ now you're doing
the castration walk ♪
Together: ♪ now you're doing
the castration walk ♪
[finale plays]
The castration walk ♪
[finale plays]
[cheers and applause]
[Doorbell ringing]
hello?
Phone company. Anybody home?
Hello?
Phone company. Anybody home?
Together: greetings!
Is this the con-ed redisence?
Conehead, man.
The name is conehead.
Conehead, man.
The name is conehead.
I am connie.
The name is conehead.
I am connie.
These are my parental units,
I am connie.
These are my parental units,
beldar and prymaat.
These are my parental units,
beldar and prymaat.
Yeah. Right.
Beldar and prymaat.
Yeah. Right.
Well, okay, you wanted a phone
Yeah. Right.
Well, okay, you wanted a phone
installed on the premises?
Well, okay, you wanted a phone
installed on the premises?
Correct.
Installed on the premises?
Correct.
In fact, we need several of the
Correct.
In fact, we need several of the
devices.
In fact, we need several of the
devices.
Well, how many did you have
Devices.
Well, how many did you have
in your mind?
Well, how many did you have
in your mind?
35.
In your mind?
35.
35?
35.
35?
You want 35 separate extensions?
35?
You want 35 separate extensions?
Correct!
You want 35 separate extensions?
Correct!
Are you capable of supplying
Correct!
Are you capable of supplying
this number?
Are you capable of supplying
this number?
Well, I don't know,
This number?
Well, I don't know,
mr. Conehead.
Well, I don't know,
mr. Conehead.
I'll have to check to see how
Mr. Conehead.
I'll have to check to see how
many sets I have in my truck.
I'll have to check to see how
many sets I have in my truck.
Why do you need so many?
Many sets I have in my truck.
Why do you need so many?
We need them.
Why do you need so many?
We need them.
We're from france.
We need them.
We're from france.
Oh, yeah, well, I'll be right
We're from france.
Oh, yeah, well, I'll be right
back.
Oh, yeah, well, I'll be right
back.
It is most unfortunate that
Back.
It is most unfortunate that
the human arrived as we were
It is most unfortunate that
the human arrived as we were
receiving vital communication
The human arrived as we were
receiving vital communication
impulses from our home planet,
Receiving vital communication
impulses from our home planet,
remulak.
Impulses from our home planet,
remulak.
Yes, daddy.
Remulak.
Yes, daddy.
You must return to the monotron
Yes, daddy.
You must return to the monotron
and continue to absorb the
You must return to the monotron
and continue to absorb the
message impulses.
And continue to absorb the
message impulses.
Young one, at times you are
Message impulses.
Young one, at times you are
wise, although I cannot dig
Young one, at times you are
wise, although I cannot dig
your whole bag.
Wise, although I cannot dig
your whole bag.
Yes, return to the monotron
Your whole bag.
Yes, return to the monotron
crystal.
Yes, return to the monotron
crystal.
Connie and I will assume
Crystal.
Connie and I will assume
household maintenance
Connie and I will assume
household maintenance
activities.
Household maintenance
activities.
[Vacuum cleaner turns on]
This particle collector is
most inefficient.
Correct.
Most inefficient.
Correct.
It is another example of human
Correct.
It is another example of human
technology.
It is another example of human
technology.
If you want to do something
Technology.
If you want to do something
right, use your own cone.
If you want to do something
right, use your own cone.
[Air sucking in]
Okay, where do you want them?
Mommy, tell the human where
you want yours.
Mommy, tell the human where
you want yours.
I need 14 wall units in the
You want yours.
I need 14 wall units in the
food-preparation chamber and 11
I need 14 wall units in the
food-preparation chamber and 11
here in the central reception
Food-preparation chamber and 11
here in the central reception
area.
Here in the central reception
area.
And also please install 10
Area.
And also please install 10
pink princess phones in the
And also please install 10
pink princess phones in the
sleep chamber modeled to
Pink princess phones in the
sleep chamber modeled to
accommodate a pubescent human
Sleep chamber modeled to
accommodate a pubescent human
female.
Accommodate a pubescent human
female.
Okay, man?
Female.
Okay, man?
Yeah, well, I think I can
Okay, man?
Yeah, well, I think I can
get that together.
Yeah, well, I think I can
get that together.
I really think you're cute.
Get that together.
I really think you're cute.
Vital communication from
I really think you're cute.
Vital communication from
remulak!
Vital communication from
remulak!
Vital communication from
Remulak!
Vital communication from
remulak!
Vital communication from
remulak!
[High-pitched squealing]
Remulak!
[High-pitched squealing]
it seems that merkon, the
[High-pitched squealing]
it seems that merkon, the
messenger of the high master, is
It seems that merkon, the
messenger of the high master, is
coming here.
Messenger of the high master, is
coming here.
The monotron indicates that his
Coming here.
The monotron indicates that his
star cruiser has already entered
The monotron indicates that his
star cruiser has already entered
the earth's atmosphere!
Star cruiser has already entered
the earth's atmosphere!
Merkon? Remulak?
The earth's atmosphere!
Merkon? Remulak?
Remulak... A small town in
Merkon? Remulak?
Remulak... A small town in
france.
Remulak... A small town in
france.
Yes, uh, merkon... Our... Our
France.
Yes, uh, merkon... Our... Our
our uncle merkon from france.
Yes, uh, merkon... Our... Our
our uncle merkon from france.
Yes!
Our uncle merkon from france.
Yes!
Well, I guess I'll just poke
Yes!
Well, I guess I'll just poke
along upstairs and start to
Well, I guess I'll just poke
along upstairs and start to
install these phones.
Along upstairs and start to
install these phones.
Human.
Install these phones.
Human.
[Doorbell rings]
Human.
[Doorbell rings]
it is merkon.
Greetings. I am merkon.
I bear the crystal of the high
rulers.
I bear the crystal of the high
rulers.
Together: nikbat klartov
Rulers.
Together: nikbat klartov
miktus.
Together: nikbat klartov
miktus.
[High-pitched squealing]
Miktus.
[High-pitched squealing]
klaatu fa bat.
[High-pitched squealing]
klaatu fa bat.
Please sit.
Klaatu fa bat.
Please sit.
Our young one will prepare mass
Please sit.
Our young one will prepare mass
quantities of food and drink for
Our young one will prepare mass
quantities of food and drink for
you to consume.
Quantities of food and drink for
you to consume.
How are things back home on
You to consume.
How are things back home on
remulak?
How are things back home on
remulak?
Oh, we never have a bigger
Remulak?
Oh, we never have a bigger
yield of glatlatispheres.
Oh, we never have a bigger
yield of glatlatispheres.
High quality?
Yield of glatlatispheres.
High quality?
Mmm, the best... Nice, real
High quality?
Mmm, the best... Nice, real
color.
Mmm, the best... Nice, real
color.
Hmm.
Color.
Hmm.
Did the blegtharbs win the
Hmm.
Did the blegtharbs win the
protoid bowl?
Did the blegtharbs win the
protoid bowl?
No!
Protoid bowl?
No!
The valthurians kicked their
No!
The valthurians kicked their
cones!
The valthurians kicked their
cones!
[Laughs]
Cones!
[Laughs]
I trust you will be able to
[Laughs]
I trust you will be able to
stay with us for at least a
I trust you will be able to
stay with us for at least a
decade?
Stay with us for at least a
decade?
Oh, no time.
Decade?
Oh, no time.
I must leave immediately this
Oh, no time.
I must leave immediately this
year.
I must leave immediately this
year.
And how is the high master?
Year.
And how is the high master?
The high master demands an
And how is the high master?
The high master demands an
explanation, beldar!
The high master demands an
explanation, beldar!
When you left remulak, you were
Explanation, beldar!
When you left remulak, you were
instructed to seize all major
When you left remulak, you were
instructed to seize all major
centers of radio and television
Instructed to seize all major
centers of radio and television
and inform the people of the
Centers of radio and television
and inform the people of the
earth that we would be taking
And inform the people of the
earth that we would be taking
over their world!
Earth that we would be taking
over their world!
Correct.
Over their world!
Correct.
I was to inform them that we
Correct.
I was to inform them that we
would be the timekeepers from
I was to inform them that we
would be the timekeepers from
the planet remulak, we would
Would be the timekeepers from
the planet remulak, we would
remain here for seven centuries,
The planet remulak, we would
remain here for seven centuries,
that earth weapons were useless
Remain here for seven centuries,
that earth weapons were useless
against us, we would destroy
That earth weapons were useless
against us, we would destroy
them if they did not comply.
Against us, we would destroy
them if they did not comply.
Well, I ask you... What
Them if they did not comply.
Well, I ask you... What
happened?
Well, I ask you... What
happened?
I lost the speech I was
Happened?
I lost the speech I was
supposed to make.
I lost the speech I was
supposed to make.
He had a speech prepared...
Supposed to make.
He had a speech prepared...
"People of earth, we are the
He had a speech prepared...
"People of earth, we are the
timekeepers of the planet
"People of earth, we are the
timekeepers of the planet
remulak.
Timekeepers of the planet
remulak.
Your weapons are useless against
Remulak.
Your weapons are useless against
us."
Your weapons are useless against
us."
He lost the rest of it, the part
Us."
He lost the rest of it, the part
with the instructions, times,
He lost the rest of it, the part
with the instructions, times,
dates, places, the orders for
With the instructions, times,
dates, places, the orders for
the u.n.
Dates, places, the orders for
the u.n.
Enough! Enough!
The u.n.
Enough! Enough!
The plan for the conquest of
Enough! Enough!
The plan for the conquest of
earth has been nullified by your
The plan for the conquest of
earth has been nullified by your
actions, so you are to remain
Earth has been nullified by your
actions, so you are to remain
here for another 125 earth
Actions, so you are to remain
here for another 125 earth
years.
Here for another 125 earth
years.
Then you will be transferred to
Years.
Then you will be transferred to
the moons of meepzor.
Then you will be transferred to
the moons of meepzor.
Meepzor?
The moons of meepzor.
Meepzor?
125 Earth years?
Meepzor?
125 Earth years?
Mm-hmm.
125 Earth years?
Mm-hmm.
We'll have to start packing
Mm-hmm.
We'll have to start packing
soon.
We'll have to start packing
soon.
Yes.
Soon.
Yes.
Merkon, we invite you to
Yes.
Merkon, we invite you to
consume mass quantities.
Merkon, we invite you to
consume mass quantities.
Pizza.
Consume mass quantities.
Pizza.
Pizza?
Pizza.
Pizza?
Pizza... Yes, starch disks
Pizza?
Pizza... Yes, starch disks
with vegetable matter and molten
Pizza... Yes, starch disks
with vegetable matter and molten
lactate extract of hooved
With vegetable matter and molten
lactate extract of hooved
mammals, sprinkled with fish
Lactate extract of hooved
mammals, sprinkled with fish
flesh.
Mammals, sprinkled with fish
flesh.
Mmm, fish flesh?
Flesh.
Mmm, fish flesh?
Anchovies.
Mmm, fish flesh?
Anchovies.
Oh, well, I'll have the
Anchovies.
Oh, well, I'll have the
starch disks with no
Oh, well, I'll have the
starch disks with no
anchovies.
Starch disks with no
anchovies.
Mmm!
Anchovies.
Mmm!
Mr. Conehead, I'm sorry to
Mmm!
Mr. Conehead, I'm sorry to
bother you, but I've installed
Mr. Conehead, I'm sorry to
bother you, but I've installed
eight of those princess phones
Bother you, but I've installed
eight of those princess phones
in your daughter's bedroom.
Eight of those princess phones
in your daughter's bedroom.
Princess phone?
In your daughter's bedroom.
Princess phone?
Princess phone... A
Princess phone?
Princess phone... A
glamorized electronic
Princess phone... A
glamorized electronic
telecommunication device.
Glamorized electronic
telecommunication device.
Humans often use labels of
Telecommunication device.
Humans often use labels of
royalty as a mass-product
Humans often use labels of
royalty as a mass-product
appeal technique.
Royalty as a mass-product
appeal technique.
Examples... King burger,
Appeal technique.
Examples... King burger,
queen-size, and the princess
Examples... King burger,
queen-size, and the princess
phone.
Queen-size, and the princess
phone.
The devices are useless to
Phone.
The devices are useless to
us, except that the bonding
The devices are useless to
us, except that the bonding
polymers in the paint are a
Us, except that the bonding
polymers in the paint are a
nutritional delicacy.
Polymers in the paint are a
nutritional delicacy.
Oh, by the way, I found these
Nutritional delicacy.
Oh, by the way, I found these
under the luminescent waterbed
Oh, by the way, I found these
under the luminescent waterbed
while I was installing the
Under the luminescent waterbed
while I was installing the
phones in your daughter's room.
While I was installing the
phones in your daughter's room.
Aaaaah!
Phones in your daughter's room.
Aaaaah!
Connie! Connie!
Aaaaah!
Connie! Connie!
Unacceptable! Unacceptable!
Connie! Connie!
Unacceptable! Unacceptable!
Where did you find the
Unacceptable! Unacceptable!
Where did you find the
senso-rings!
Where did you find the
senso-rings!
I found them in your sleep
Senso-rings!
I found them in your sleep
chamber.
I found them in your sleep
chamber.
Your cone is too young to
Chamber.
Your cone is too young to
know the senso-ring!
Your cone is too young to
know the senso-ring!
Go to your sleep chamber without
Know the senso-ring!
Go to your sleep chamber without
consuming mass quantities!
Go to your sleep chamber without
consuming mass quantities!
Go! Go!
Consuming mass quantities!
Go! Go!
Go!
Go! Go!
Go!
Mmm!
Go!
Mmm!
Do you want me to tell you about
Mmm!
Do you want me to tell you about
the protoid bowl?
Do you want me to tell you about
the protoid bowl?
Yes.
The protoid bowl?
Yes.
It was a big, big, big upset,
Yes.
It was a big, big, big upset,
man.
It was a big, big, big upset,
man.
I am telling you.
Man.
I am telling you.
There was black holes on that
I am telling you.
There was black holes on that
one, too.
There was black holes on that
one, too.
Ooh!
One, too.
Ooh!
Ooh, baby, ooh, baby!
Ooh!
Ooh, baby, ooh, baby!
Ooh, baby, ooh, baby, ooh, baby!
Ooh, baby, ooh, baby!
Ooh, baby, ooh, baby, ooh, baby!
Ooh!
Ladies and gentlemen,
kate and anna, the mcgarrigle
sisters.
Kate and anna, the mcgarrigle
sisters.
["Kiss and say goodbye"
Sisters.
["Kiss and say goodbye"
playing]
♪ Call me when you're coming
through town ♪
♪ just soon as your plane puts
Through town ♪
♪ just soon as your plane puts
down ♪
♪ Just soon as your plane puts
down ♪
♪ call me on the telephone ♪
Down ♪
♪ call me on the telephone ♪
♪ but only if you're traveling
♪ Call me on the telephone ♪
♪ but only if you're traveling
alone ♪
♪ But only if you're traveling
alone ♪
♪ counting down the hours ♪
Alone ♪
♪ counting down the hours ♪
♪ through the sunshine and the
♪ Counting down the hours ♪
♪ through the sunshine and the
showers ♪
♪ Through the sunshine and the
showers ♪
♪ today's the day ♪
Showers ♪
♪ today's the day ♪
♪ you're finally gonna come my
♪ Today's the day ♪
♪ you're finally gonna come my
way ♪
♪ You're finally gonna come my
way ♪
♪ let's make a date to see a
Way ♪
♪ let's make a date to see a
movie ♪
♪ Let's make a date to see a
movie ♪
♪ movie ♪
Movie ♪
♪ movie ♪
♪ some foreign film from gay
♪ Movie ♪
♪ some foreign film from gay
"paree" ♪
♪ Some foreign film from gay
"paree" ♪
♪ I know you like to think
"Paree" ♪
♪ I know you like to think
you got taste ♪
♪ I know you like to think
you got taste ♪
♪ so I'm gonna let you choose
You got taste ♪
♪ so I'm gonna let you choose
the time and place ♪
♪ So I'm gonna let you choose
the time and place ♪
♪ have some dinner for two ♪
The time and place ♪
♪ have some dinner for two ♪
♪ in some eastside rendezvous ♪
♪ Have some dinner for two ♪
♪ in some eastside rendezvous ♪
♪ then we'll walk arm in arm
♪ In some eastside rendezvous ♪
♪ then we'll walk arm in arm
around the block and talk ♪
♪ Then we'll walk arm in arm
around the block and talk ♪
[instrumental break]
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ you're ♪
♪ mine ♪
♪ You're ♪
♪ mine ♪
♪ let's not ♪
♪ Mine ♪
♪ let's not ♪
♪ waste time ♪
♪ Let's not ♪
♪ waste time ♪
♪ I do believe the die is
♪ Waste time ♪
♪ I do believe the die is
cast ♪
♪ I do believe the die is
cast ♪
♪ let's try and make the
Cast ♪
♪ let's try and make the
nighttime last ♪
♪ Let's try and make the
nighttime last ♪
♪ and I don't know where it's
Nighttime last ♪
♪ and I don't know where it's
coming from ♪
♪ And I don't know where it's
coming from ♪
♪ but I want to kiss you till my
Coming from ♪
♪ but I want to kiss you till my
mouth gets numb ♪
♪ But I want to kiss you till my
mouth gets numb ♪
♪ I want to make love to
Mouth gets numb ♪
♪ I want to make love to
you ♪
♪ I want to make love to
you ♪
♪ till the day comes breaking
You ♪
♪ till the day comes breaking
through ♪
♪ Till the day comes breaking
through ♪
♪ and when the sun is high in
Through ♪
♪ and when the sun is high in
the sky ♪
♪ And when the sun is high in
the sky ♪
♪ we'll kiss and say
The sky ♪
♪ we'll kiss and say
goodbye ♪
♪ We'll kiss and say
goodbye ♪
[finale plays]
Goodbye ♪
[finale plays]
[cheers and applause]
[Beethoven's "symphony no. 5"
Playing]
good afternoon
[Playing]
good afternoon
and welcome to
Good afternoon
and welcome to
"you've come a long way, buddy,"
And welcome to
"you've come a long way, buddy,"
the show for men, by men.
"You've come a long way, buddy,"
the show for men, by men.
We have an all-male staff.
The show for men, by men.
We have an all-male staff.
Our researchers are men.
We have an all-male staff.
Our researchers are men.
Our writers, the producers, even
Our researchers are men.
Our writers, the producers, even
the cameramen are men.
Our writers, the producers, even
the cameramen are men.
Today we have with us
The cameramen are men.
Today we have with us
roy matthews of the national
Today we have with us
roy matthews of the national
organization of men, bob lewis
Roy matthews of the national
organization of men, bob lewis
of the black young men
Organization of men, bob lewis
of the black young men
recreational center,
Of the black young men
recreational center,
sam montgomery, who has started
Recreational center,
sam montgomery, who has started
a r*pe hotline, and
Sam montgomery, who has started
a r*pe hotline, and
ted meyers... Ted meyers, who's
A r*pe hotline, and
ted meyers... Ted meyers, who's
brought with him some paintings
Ted meyers... Ted meyers, who's
brought with him some paintings
painted by men artists, which
Brought with him some paintings
painted by men artists, which
are currently on exhibit at the
Painted by men artists, which
are currently on exhibit at the
brothers art collective gallery.
Are currently on exhibit at the
brothers art collective gallery.
And we've decorated our set with
Brothers art collective gallery.
And we've decorated our set with
some of these paintings by men.
And we've decorated our set with
some of these paintings by men.
That sure is right, craig.
Some of these paintings by men.
That sure is right, craig.
Many men are discouraged as boys
That sure is right, craig.
Many men are discouraged as boys
from engaging in the arts.
Many men are discouraged as boys
from engaging in the arts.
They're called sissies or other
From engaging in the arts.
They're called sissies or other
names like that, you know?
They're called sissies or other
names like that, you know?
And they're not told about the
Names like that, you know?
And they're not told about the
contribution made by men
And they're not told about the
contribution made by men
artists.
Contribution made by men
artists.
At the brothers collective art
Artists.
At the brothers collective art
gallery, we display only art
At the brothers collective art
gallery, we display only art
that was painted by men.
Gallery, we display only art
that was painted by men.
Well, perhaps you could tell
That was painted by men.
Well, perhaps you could tell
us something about the
Well, perhaps you could tell
us something about the
paintings, ted.
Us something about the
paintings, ted.
Yeah, okay.
Paintings, ted.
Yeah, okay.
The painting up there behind you
Yeah, okay.
The painting up there behind you
is a vincent van gogh.
The painting up there behind you
is a vincent van gogh.
He was a dutch painter of the
Is a vincent van gogh.
He was a dutch painter of the
19th century.
He was a dutch painter of the
19th century.
He used unique colors, and he
19Th century.
He used unique colors, and he
influenced many artists, and he
He used unique colors, and he
influenced many artists, and he
was a man.
Influenced many artists, and he
was a man.
That's very nice.
Was a man.
That's very nice.
And this here's by
That's very nice.
And this here's by
pablo picasso, a modern artist
And this here's by
pablo picasso, a modern artist
from spain.
Pablo picasso, a modern artist
from spain.
It's very original.
From spain.
It's very original.
You can see he was a man.
It's very original.
You can see he was a man.
And over here, right behind you,
You can see he was a man.
And over here, right behind you,
leonardo da vinci... A painting
And over here, right behind you,
leonardo da vinci... A painting
by leonardo da vinci.
Leonardo da vinci... A painting
by leonardo da vinci.
He was an italian, an inventor,
By leonardo da vinci.
He was an italian, an inventor,
and he was a man.
He was an italian, an inventor,
and he was a man.
Well, he certainly was a good
And he was a man.
Well, he certainly was a good
painter.
Well, he certainly was a good
painter.
And he was a man.
Painter.
And he was a man.
Well, thank you, ted, for
And he was a man.
Well, thank you, ted, for
bringing these terrific
Well, thank you, ted, for
bringing these terrific
paintings.
Bringing these terrific
paintings.
I think that men in new york
Paintings.
I think that men in new york
should be sure to go down to the
I think that men in new york
should be sure to go down to the
brothers art collective gallery.
Should be sure to go down to the
brothers art collective gallery.
That sure is right, craig.
Brothers art collective gallery.
That sure is right, craig.
Women, too.
That sure is right, craig.
Women, too.
Yeah, women enjoy men's art,
Women, too.
Yeah, women enjoy men's art,
as well, you know?
Yeah, women enjoy men's art,
as well, you know?
Also, by the way, craig, at the
As well, you know?
Also, by the way, craig, at the
gallery, we pipe in music that
Also, by the way, craig, at the
gallery, we pipe in music that
has been composed by men.
Gallery, we pipe in music that
has been composed by men.
And you can enjoy men's music
Has been composed by men.
And you can enjoy men's music
while you're looking at the
And you can enjoy men's music
while you're looking at the
men's art.
While you're looking at the
men's art.
Yes, yes, the music we played
Men's art.
Yes, yes, the music we played
at the top of the show was from
Yes, yes, the music we played
at the top of the show was from
your gallery.
At the top of the show was from
your gallery.
Yeah, that's right.
Your gallery.
Yeah, that's right.
That was ludwig van beethoven,
Yeah, that's right.
That was ludwig van beethoven,
18th-century male composer.
That was ludwig van beethoven,
18th-century male composer.
Very nice music, ted, and
18Th-century male composer.
Very nice music, ted, and
thank you.
Very nice music, ted, and
thank you.
Yeah, well, you know, the
Thank you.
Yeah, well, you know, the
best chefs in the world are men.
Yeah, well, you know, the
best chefs in the world are men.
Well, that's right, ted.
Best chefs in the world are men.
Well, that's right, ted.
We had several on the show last
Well, that's right, ted.
We had several on the show last
week.
We had several on the show last
week.
Now, bob lewis.
Week.
Now, bob lewis.
Yeah.
Now, bob lewis.
Yeah.
You work up in harlem with
Yeah.
You work up in harlem with
black men and boys and deal with
You work up in harlem with
black men and boys and deal with
their special problems.
Black men and boys and deal with
their special problems.
That's right, claig... Craig,
Their special problems.
That's right, claig... Craig,
rather.
That's right, claig... Craig,
rather.
The black man has kind of a
Rather.
The black man has kind of a
double negative working against
The black man has kind of a
double negative working against
him, man.
Double negative working against
him, man.
He's black, and he's a man.
Him, man.
He's black, and he's a man.
Now, the black man very often is
He's black, and he's a man.
Now, the black man very often is
isolated.
Now, the black man very often is
isolated.
Like in harlem, a black man
Isolated.
Like in harlem, a black man
leaves his woman and kids for
Like in harlem, a black man
leaves his woman and kids for
two years, maybe even only one,
Leaves his woman and kids for
two years, maybe even only one,
and very often the family will
Two years, maybe even only one,
and very often the family will
have moved and be gone when he
And very often the family will
have moved and be gone when he
comes back, man, you know?
Have moved and be gone when he
comes back, man, you know?
I mean, the loss of family is a
Comes back, man, you know?
I mean, the loss of family is a
big problem there.
I mean, the loss of family is a
big problem there.
Well, what kind of work do
Big problem there.
Well, what kind of work do
you do with black young men?
Well, what kind of work do
you do with black young men?
Well, see, the black young
You do with black young men?
Well, see, the black young
man has kind of a triple
Well, see, the black young
man has kind of a triple
negative working against him,
Man has kind of a triple
negative working against him,
man.
Negative working against him,
man.
He's black, he's young...
Man.
He's black, he's young...
And he's a man.
He's black, he's young...
And he's a man.
Exactly. See?
And he's a man.
Exactly. See?
Now, the unemployment rate is
Exactly. See?
Now, the unemployment rate is
very high for young black men.
Now, the unemployment rate is
very high for young black men.
They have nothing to do very
Very high for young black men.
They have nothing to do very
often but just get in trouble.
They have nothing to do very
often but just get in trouble.
So what we're doing up in harlem
Often but just get in trouble.
So what we're doing up in harlem
with the black young men's
So what we're doing up in harlem
with the black young men's
recreational center is to try to
With the black young men's
recreational center is to try to
give them something to keep
Recreational center is to try to
give them something to keep
their minds and bodies active.
Give them something to keep
their minds and bodies active.
And what is that, bob?
Their minds and bodies active.
And what is that, bob?
Well, we've started an
And what is that, bob?
Well, we've started an
all-male, all-black basketball
Well, we've started an
all-male, all-black basketball
league.
All-male, all-black basketball
league.
Dig that.
League.
Dig that.
Remember... You heard it
Dig that.
Remember... You heard it
first on this show.
Remember... You heard it
first on this show.
But, everybody, we are in
First on this show.
But, everybody, we are in
need of money now.
But, everybody, we are in
need of money now.
See, craig, we have no building,
Need of money now.
See, craig, we have no building,
and we have to go to the
See, craig, we have no building,
and we have to go to the
playground and get in some
And we have to go to the
playground and get in some
pick-up games.
Playground and get in some
pick-up games.
Well, good luck to you, bob.
Pick-up games.
Well, good luck to you, bob.
Now, seated on your right is
Well, good luck to you, bob.
Now, seated on your right is
roy matthews from the national
Now, seated on your right is
roy matthews from the national
organization of men.
Roy matthews from the national
organization of men.
That's n.o.o.m., And they've
Organization of men.
That's n.o.o.m., And they've
opened a bar in new york.
That's n.o.o.m., And they've
opened a bar in new york.
Now, is this bar just for men,
Opened a bar in new york.
Now, is this bar just for men,
roy?
Now, is this bar just for men,
roy?
No, craig.
Roy?
No, craig.
This is a bar for men and women
No, craig.
This is a bar for men and women
who are tired of the singles
This is a bar for men and women
who are tired of the singles
scene here in new york.
Who are tired of the singles
scene here in new york.
You see, the average guy can't
Scene here in new york.
You see, the average guy can't
go into a bar and converse,
You see, the average guy can't
go into a bar and converse,
strike up a conversation
Go into a bar and converse,
strike up a conversation
with an intelligent,
Strike up a conversation
with an intelligent,
good-looking woman without the
With an intelligent,
good-looking woman without the
woman thinking the guy's trying
Good-looking woman without the
woman thinking the guy's trying
to pick her up, okay?
Woman thinking the guy's trying
to pick her up, okay?
So this makes it hard for a guy
To pick her up, okay?
So this makes it hard for a guy
to meet a girl who doesn't
So this makes it hard for a guy
to meet a girl who doesn't
think, you know, he just wants
To meet a girl who doesn't
think, you know, he just wants
to get in between the sheets,
Think, you know, he just wants
to get in between the sheets,
that kind of thing.
To get in between the sheets,
that kind of thing.
And you've created a
That kind of thing.
And you've created a
different atmosphere in your
And you've created a
different atmosphere in your
not-just... What's the name of
Different atmosphere in your
not-just... What's the name of
it?
Not-just... What's the name of
it?
It's the not-just-a-meat-rack
It?
It's the not-just-a-meat-rack
bar, elliott.
It's the not-just-a-meat-rack
bar, elliott.
It's a place where men and women
Bar, elliott.
It's a place where men and women
can just get together and talk.
It's a place where men and women
can just get together and talk.
Well, that's a great idea.
Can just get together and talk.
Well, that's a great idea.
And how is it working?
Well, that's a great idea.
And how is it working?
Well, unfortunately, we're
And how is it working?
Well, unfortunately, we're
having a lot of trouble getting
Well, unfortunately, we're
having a lot of trouble getting
women to come on in.
Having a lot of trouble getting
women to come on in.
They don't trust us eventually,
Women to come on in.
They don't trust us eventually,
so to attract women, we're
They don't trust us eventually,
so to attract women, we're
starting to give them free
So to attract women, we're
starting to give them free
drinks now at happy hour.
Starting to give them free
drinks now at happy hour.
Well, that sounds like a good
Drinks now at happy hour.
Well, that sounds like a good
deal, and good luck to you.
Well, that sounds like a good
deal, and good luck to you.
Thank you, craig.
Deal, and good luck to you.
Thank you, craig.
Now, our last guest is
Thank you, craig.
Now, our last guest is
sam montgomery, who, I
Now, our last guest is
sam montgomery, who, I
understand, has started a
Sam montgomery, who, I
understand, has started a
24-hour r*pe hotline.
Understand, has started a
24-hour r*pe hotline.
That's right, craig.
24-Hour r*pe hotline.
That's right, craig.
Almost invariably, a man is very
That's right, craig.
Almost invariably, a man is very
upset after he's committed a
Almost invariably, a man is very
upset after he's committed a
r*pe.
Upset after he's committed a
r*pe.
We give the r*pist an
r*pe.
We give the r*pist an
opportunity to talk to someone
We give the r*pist an
opportunity to talk to someone
who understands what he's gone
Opportunity to talk to someone
who understands what he's gone
through.
Who understands what he's gone
through.
Well, do you encourage the
Through.
Well, do you encourage the
r*pist to go to the police?
Well, do you encourage the
r*pist to go to the police?
Yes, of course we do.
r*pist to go to the police?
Yes, of course we do.
A big reason why there are so
Yes, of course we do.
A big reason why there are so
many r*pes is that rapists are
A big reason why there are so
many r*pes is that rapists are
often afraid to go to the
Many r*pes is that rapists are
often afraid to go to the
police.
Often afraid to go to the
police.
Well, why is that?
Police.
Well, why is that?
Well, for one thing, they get
Well, why is that?
Well, for one thing, they get
arrested.
Well, for one thing, they get
arrested.
And the police treat the r*pist
Arrested.
And the police treat the r*pist
with disrespect.
And the police treat the r*pist
with disrespect.
And police psychiatrists, who
With disrespect.
And police psychiatrists, who
are often "women," you know, ask
And police psychiatrists, who
are often "women," you know, ask
embarrassing questions.
Are often "women," you know, ask
embarrassing questions.
It's a humiliating experience,
Embarrassing questions.
It's a humiliating experience,
and we advise rapists of his
It's a humiliating experience,
and we advise rapists of his
rights, and we get him a lawyer
And we advise rapists of his
rights, and we get him a lawyer
if he needs a lawyer.
Rights, and we get him a lawyer
if he needs a lawyer.
I think it's marvelous what
If he needs a lawyer.
I think it's marvelous what
you're doing, and I believe we
I think it's marvelous what
you're doing, and I believe we
have a number that the rapists
You're doing, and I believe we
have a number that the rapists
can call 24 hours a day.
There it is... r*pe-rap.
Right.
Yeah, I'd like to thank the
Phone company for their
Cooperation, for giving us this
Number here.
So if you've committed a r*pe
In the last few days, please
Call that number.
Right. Now, it's completely
Anonymous.
And we see to it that the name
is not printed in the paper.
Very often, to be known as a
Is not printed in the paper.
Very often, to be known as a
r*pist has a social stigma, even
Very often, to be known as a
r*pist has a social stigma, even
today, and it can ruin a man's
r*pist has a social stigma, even
today, and it can ruin a man's
life.
Today, and it can ruin a man's
life.
Well, good luck to you, sam.
Life.
Well, good luck to you, sam.
Thank you very much.
Well, good luck to you, sam.
Thank you very much.
Well, we've run out of time.
Thank you very much.
Well, we've run out of time.
Thanks, gentlemen.
Well, we've run out of time.
Thanks, gentlemen.
Thank you.
Thanks, gentlemen.
Thank you.
Beautiful!
Thank you.
Beautiful!
Tune in tomorrow, when
Beautiful!
Tune in tomorrow, when
mayor beame talks about mixing
Tune in tomorrow, when
mayor beame talks about mixing
marriage and a career.
Mayor beame talks about mixing
marriage and a career.
[Beethoven's "symphony no. 5"
Marriage and a career.
[Beethoven's "symphony no. 5"
Playing]
Announcer: and now,
"weekend update" with
jane curtin.
"Weekend update" with
jane curtin.
Good evening.
Jane curtin.
Good evening.
I'm jane curtin.
Good evening.
I'm jane curtin.
Our top story tonight...
I'm jane curtin.
Our top story tonight...
Just kidding.
Our top story tonight...
Just kidding.
[Laughs]
Just kidding.
[Laughs]
funeral services were held this
[Laughs]
funeral services were held this
week for 82-year-old chewing-gum
Funeral services were held this
week for 82-year-old chewing-gum
magnate philip k. Wrigley.
Week for 82-year-old chewing-gum
magnate philip k. Wrigley.
In keeping with his last
Magnate philip k. Wrigley.
In keeping with his last
request, wrigley's remains will
In keeping with his last
request, wrigley's remains will
be stuck to the bottom of a
Request, wrigley's remains will
be stuck to the bottom of a
luncheonette counter.
Be stuck to the bottom of a
luncheonette counter.
Former president gerald r. Ford
Luncheonette counter.
Former president gerald r. Ford
lectured this week at his alma
Former president gerald r. Ford
lectured this week at his alma
mater, the
Lectured this week at his alma
mater, the
university of michigan.
Mater, the
university of michigan.
A former football captain, he
University of michigan.
A former football captain, he
went out to spring training to
A former football captain, he
went out to spring training to
give the boys some pointers.
Went out to spring training to
give the boys some pointers.
Ford is shown here throwing a
Give the boys some pointers.
Ford is shown here throwing a
football into his hat.
Ford is shown here throwing a
football into his hat.
[Laughs]
Football into his hat.
[Laughs]
he doesn't even wear a hat.
[Laughs]
he doesn't even wear a hat.
Well, the president's mother,
He doesn't even wear a hat.
Well, the president's mother,
miss lillian carter, was thrown
Well, the president's mother,
miss lillian carter, was thrown
into a washington jail today.
Miss lillian carter, was thrown
into a washington jail today.
The charge... Spanking the
Into a washington jail today.
The charge... Spanking the
president of the united states.
The charge... Spanking the
president of the united states.
The 78-year-old matriarch,
President of the united states.
The 78-year-old matriarch,
citing the retraction of the $50
The 78-year-old matriarch,
citing the retraction of the $50
federal income-tax rebate said,
Citing the retraction of the $50
federal income-tax rebate said,
"I always spank jimmy when he
Federal income-tax rebate said,
"I always spank jimmy when he
breaks a promise."
"I always spank jimmy when he
breaks a promise."
[Laughs]
Breaks a promise."
[Laughs]
well, the drive against
[Laughs]
well, the drive against
pornography districts in major
Well, the drive against
pornography districts in major
cities continued to gain
Pornography districts in major
cities continued to gain
momentum this week as more
Cities continued to gain
momentum this week as more
demonstrations were held in
Momentum this week as more
demonstrations were held in
new york.
Demonstrations were held in
new york.
Bill murray was on the scene at
New york.
Bill murray was on the scene at
one of them in manhattan and has
Bill murray was on the scene at
one of them in manhattan and has
an eyewitness report.
One of them in manhattan and has
an eyewitness report.
Bill?
An eyewitness report.
Bill?
Thank you, jane.
The citizens committee to clean
Up new york's porn-infested
Areas continued its series of
Rallies today, as a huge,
Throbbing, pulsating crowd
Sprang erect from nowhere and
Forced its way into the steaming
Nether regions surrounding the
Glistening, sweaty intersection
Of 8th avenue and 42nd street.
Thrusting, driving, pushing its
way into the unusually receptive
neighborhood, the excited
Way into the unusually receptive
neighborhood, the excited
throng, now grown to five times
Neighborhood, the excited
throng, now grown to five times
its original size, rammed itself
Throng, now grown to five times
its original size, rammed itself
again and again and again into
Its original size, rammed itself
again and again and again into
the quivering, perspiring, musty
Again and again and again into
the quivering, perspiring, musty
dankness, fluctuating between
The quivering, perspiring, musty
dankness, fluctuating between
eager anticipation and trembling
Dankness, fluctuating between
eager anticipation and trembling
revulsion.
Eager anticipation and trembling
revulsion.
Now, suddenly, the tumescent
Revulsion.
Now, suddenly, the tumescent
crowd and the irresistible area
Now, suddenly, the tumescent
crowd and the irresistible area
were one heaving, alternately
Crowd and the irresistible area
were one heaving, alternately
melting and thawing turgid
Were one heaving, alternately
melting and thawing turgid
entity, ascending to heights
Melting and thawing turgid
entity, ascending to heights
heretofore unheard of.
Entity, ascending to heights
heretofore unheard of.
Then, with a gigantic,
Heretofore unheard of.
Then, with a gigantic,
soul-searing, heart-stopping
Then, with a gigantic,
soul-searing, heart-stopping
series of eruptions, it was
Soul-searing, heart-stopping
series of eruptions, it was
over.
Series of eruptions, it was
over.
Afterwards, the crowd had a
Over.
Afterwards, the crowd had a
cigarette and went home.
Thank you, bill.
That was a very stimulating
story.
That was a very stimulating
story.
I'll say.
Story.
I'll say.
The story's over.
I'll say.
The story's over.
You can leave now.
The story's over.
You can leave now.
Uh, no, I can't.
You can leave now.
Uh, no, I can't.
It would be very embarrassing.
Uh, no, I can't.
It would be very embarrassing.
I see.
It would be very embarrassing.
I see.
Well, then, why don't you relax
I see.
Well, then, why don't you relax
and have some stories?
Well, then, why don't you relax
and have some stories?
Thanks very much.
And have some stories?
Thanks very much.
Mrs. Margaret trudeau was
Thanks very much.
Mrs. Margaret trudeau was
spotted at an ottawa dry
Mrs. Margaret trudeau was
spotted at an ottawa dry
cleaners today.
Spotted at an ottawa dry
cleaners today.
The wife of canadian prime
Cleaners today.
The wife of canadian prime
minister elliott trudeau would
The wife of canadian prime
minister elliott trudeau would
give no explanation for the trip
Minister elliott trudeau would
give no explanation for the trip
and refused to comment on why
Give no explanation for the trip
and refused to comment on why
her husband had not accompanied
And refused to comment on why
her husband had not accompanied
her.
Her husband had not accompanied
her.
When reporters contacted the
Her.
When reporters contacted the
prime minister and informed him
When reporters contacted the
prime minister and informed him
of his wife's trip to a dry
Prime minister and informed him
of his wife's trip to a dry
cleaners, he said he had had no
Of his wife's trip to a dry
cleaners, he said he had had no
idea she'd even planned a trip
Cleaners, he said he had had no
idea she'd even planned a trip
to any dry cleaners, and it was
Idea she'd even planned a trip
to any dry cleaners, and it was
the first he'd heard about it.
To any dry cleaners, and it was
the first he'd heard about it.
Connecticut governor
The first he'd heard about it.
Connecticut governor
ella grasso met this week with
Connecticut governor
ella grasso met this week with
actress shirley maclaine to
Ella grasso met this week with
actress shirley maclaine to
discuss the equal rights
Actress shirley maclaine to
discuss the equal rights
amendment.
Discuss the equal rights
amendment.
Governor grasso thanked miss
Amendment.
Governor grasso thanked miss
maclaine for her commitment and
Governor grasso thanked miss
maclaine for her commitment and
dedication, then took her home
Maclaine for her commitment and
dedication, then took her home
and threw her on a bed.
Dedication, then took her home
and threw her on a bed.
Well, at long last, medical
And threw her on a bed.
Well, at long last, medical
science has come up with a
Well, at long last, medical
science has come up with a
device that completely
Science has come up with a
device that completely
eliminates the risk of cancer by
Device that completely
eliminates the risk of cancer by
smoking.
Eliminates the risk of cancer by
smoking.
It's a surprisingly simple
Smoking.
It's a surprisingly simple
method in which a white mouse is
It's a surprisingly simple
method in which a white mouse is
used as a filter, which traps
Method in which a white mouse is
used as a filter, which traps
all the cancer-causing agents
Used as a filter, which traps
all the cancer-causing agents
before they are inhaled by the
All the cancer-causing agents
before they are inhaled by the
smoker.
Before they are inhaled by the
smoker.
Bill?
Smoker.
Bill?
Yes, jane, I have one right
Bill?
Yes, jane, I have one right
here, as you can see.
Yes, jane, I have one right
here, as you can see.
And if you like to smoke and
Here, as you can see.
And if you like to smoke and
hold small animals, I think
And if you like to smoke and
hold small animals, I think
you'll enjoy this.
Hold small animals, I think
you'll enjoy this.
[Chuckles]
You'll enjoy this.
[Chuckles]
well, unfortunately, I don't
[Chuckles]
well, unfortunately, I don't
have a light, so...
Well, unfortunately, I don't
have a light, so...
And I know the answer to that
Have a light, so...
And I know the answer to that
one.
And I know the answer to that
one.
[Both laugh]
One.
[Both laugh]
a medical milestone this week,
[Both laugh]
a medical milestone this week,
when a team of doctors in
A medical milestone this week,
when a team of doctors in
thailand successfully joined a
When a team of doctors in
thailand successfully joined a
pair of siamese twins, which was
Thailand successfully joined a
pair of siamese twins, which was
born separated.
Pair of siamese twins, which was
born separated.
Having gotten this operation out
Born separated.
Having gotten this operation out
of the way, the doctors' next
Having gotten this operation out
of the way, the doctors' next
test will be to join two siamese
Of the way, the doctors' next
test will be to join two siamese
cats so the twins can have a
Test will be to join two siamese
cats so the twins can have a
pet.
Cats so the twins can have a
pet.
Tragedy struck the world of
Pet.
Tragedy struck the world of
show business this week when tv
Tragedy struck the world of
show business this week when tv
personality howdy doody
Show business this week when tv
personality howdy doody
committed su1c1de on thursday in
Personality howdy doody
committed su1c1de on thursday in
his beverly hills home.
Committed su1c1de on thursday in
his beverly hills home.
Close friend buffalo bob, who
His beverly hills home.
Close friend buffalo bob, who
was visiting, said the
Close friend buffalo bob, who
was visiting, said the
33-year-old doody suddenly
Was visiting, said the
33-year-old doody suddenly
leaped from the couch and threw
33-Year-old doody suddenly
leaped from the couch and threw
himself into the fireplace.
Leaped from the couch and threw
himself into the fireplace.
Howdy left a su1c1de note which
Himself into the fireplace.
Howdy left a su1c1de note which
read simply, "hey, kids, what
Howdy left a su1c1de note which
read simply, "hey, kids, what
time is it?
Read simply, "hey, kids, what
time is it?
It's time for me to die."
Time is it?
It's time for me to die."
Today laraine newman was there
It's time for me to die."
Today laraine newman was there
at the funeral.
Today laraine newman was there
at the funeral.
Laraine?
At the funeral.
Laraine?
Jane, I'm standing outside
Laraine?
Jane, I'm standing outside
forest lawn cemetery, where
Jane, I'm standing outside
forest lawn cemetery, where
funeral services have just been
Forest lawn cemetery, where
funeral services have just been
held for howdy doody.
Funeral services have just been
held for howdy doody.
It was a solemn but star-studded
Held for howdy doody.
It was a solemn but star-studded
occasion, with the former
It was a solemn but star-studded
occasion, with the former
puppet's close friends and
Occasion, with the former
puppet's close friends and
relatives in attendance.
Puppet's close friends and
relatives in attendance.
Pallbearers included
Relatives in attendance.
Pallbearers included
charlie mccarthy,
Pallbearers included
charlie mccarthy,
mortimer snerd, jerry mahoney,
Charlie mccarthy,
mortimer snerd, jerry mahoney,
knucklehead smiff,
Mortimer snerd, jerry mahoney,
knucklehead smiff,
david eisenhower, and
Knucklehead smiff,
david eisenhower, and
señor wences' fist.
David eisenhower, and
señor wences' fist.
Few people knew that doody had a
Señor wences' fist.
Few people knew that doody had a
wife... Debbie doody.
Few people knew that doody had a
wife... Debbie doody.
I see she's approaching me right
Wife... Debbie doody.
I see she's approaching me right
now.
I see she's approaching me right
now.
Howdy, debbie.
Now.
Howdy, debbie.
Howdy.
Howdy, debbie.
Howdy.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Howdy.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I know this is a time of grief
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I know this is a time of grief
for you, debbie, but what's in
I know this is a time of grief
for you, debbie, but what's in
the future for debbie doody?
For you, debbie, but what's in
the future for debbie doody?
I don't know.
The future for debbie doody?
I don't know.
Well, thank you for spending
I don't know.
Well, thank you for spending
this time with us, your moment
Well, thank you for spending
this time with us, your moment
of grief.
This time with us, your moment
of grief.
Thank you.
Of grief.
Thank you.
Back to you, jane.
Howdy doody, dead at 33.
And now here is
"Weekend update's"
Meteorologist, john belushi,
With a word about the weather.
Thank you, jane.
Tonight I'd like to address
Myself to those of you who
Cannot or are too paranoid to go
Outside, the so-called shut-ins,
People who really don't know
What weather is about.
There's really nothing to be
Afraid of.
Here are some examples of
Weather.
Okay? Sunny and warm.
There's sun. See?
Nice, you get a tan from it,
There's sun. See?
Nice, you get a tan from it,
you know?
Nice, you get a tan from it,
you know?
It's sun... Makes plants grow.
You know?
It's sun... Makes plants grow.
Party cloudy... See?
It's sun... Makes plants grow.
Party cloudy... See?
The sun... Cloudy.
Party cloudy... See?
The sun... Cloudy.
Whoa.
The sun... Cloudy.
Whoa.
You can see, but it's cloudy,
Whoa.
You can see, but it's cloudy,
you see?
You can see, but it's cloudy,
you see?
Cloudy and cold.
You see?
Cloudy and cold.
Ohh, cold.
Cloudy and cold.
Ohh, cold.
Ohh, I'm cold.
Ohh, cold.
Ohh, I'm cold.
See that?
Ohh, I'm cold.
See that?
Sometimes we get electrical
See that?
Sometimes we get electrical
storms, and that's like this.
Sometimes we get electrical
storms, and that's like this.
[Imitates thunder crashing]
Storms, and that's like this.
[Imitates thunder crashing]
sometimes we get showers.
[Imitates thunder crashing]
sometimes we get showers.
Showers are like this.
Sometimes we get showers.
Showers are like this.
See?
Showers are like this.
See?
Or sometimes you have to wear a
See?
Or sometimes you have to wear a
hat for showers, and just...
Or sometimes you have to wear a
hat for showers, and just...
[Imitates thunder crashing]
Hat for showers, and just...
[Imitates thunder crashing]
oh, boy.
[Imitates thunder crashing]
oh, boy.
You know?
Oh, boy.
You know?
And then sometimes it's cloudy
You know?
And then sometimes it's cloudy
with showers.
And then sometimes it's cloudy
with showers.
And sometimes you have to have
With showers.
And sometimes you have to have
wind.
And sometimes you have to have
wind.
You know? There's wind.
Wind.
You know? There's wind.
There's wind... Wind and
You know? There's wind.
There's wind... Wind and
showers.
There's wind... Wind and
showers.
See?
Showers.
See?
And also we get hail.
See?
And also we get hail.
Now, hail is something very
And also we get hail.
Now, hail is something very
strange.
Now, hail is something very
strange.
It's like this, see?
Strange.
It's like this, see?
Boom!
It's like this, see?
Boom!
Hail is like this.
Boom!
Hail is like this.
Sometimes it can really hurt.
Hail is like this.
Sometimes it can really hurt.
It's like... The size... It's
Sometimes it can really hurt.
It's like... The size... It's
like... Bam!
It's like... The size... It's
like... Bam!
It can really hurt you.
Like... Bam!
It can really hurt you.
So sometimes you get hail, snow,
It can really hurt you.
So sometimes you get hail, snow,
wind, and there's snow also.
So sometimes you get hail, snow,
wind, and there's snow also.
This is snow, and this is hail,
Wind, and there's snow also.
This is snow, and this is hail,
and this is rain, okay?
This is snow, and this is hail,
and this is rain, okay?
And then you get thunder.
And this is rain, okay?
And then you get thunder.
[Imitates thunder crashing]
And then you get thunder.
[Imitates thunder crashing]
aah! That's sleet! You know?
[Imitates thunder crashing]
aah! That's sleet! You know?
And you know something?
Aah! That's sleet! You know?
And you know something?
Let me tell you something.
And you know something?
Let me tell you something.
When you got all this stuff
Let me tell you something.
When you got all this stuff
happening to you... Get out of
When you got all this stuff
happening to you... Get out of
here!
Happening to you... Get out of
here!
When you got all this stuff
Here!
When you got all this stuff
happening to you... And if
When you got all this stuff
happening to you... And if
you're in an airplane, forget
Happening to you... And if
you're in an airplane, forget
it, pal.
You're in an airplane, forget
it, pal.
You're as good as dead because
It, pal.
You're as good as dead because
you don't have a chance, 'cause
You're as good as dead because
you don't have a chance, 'cause
they don't give you parachutes.
You don't have a chance, 'cause
they don't give you parachutes.
They give you an oxygen mask,
They don't give you parachutes.
They give you an oxygen mask,
but no parachutes.
They give you an oxygen mask,
but no parachutes.
Listen... I don't blame you for
But no parachutes.
Listen... I don't blame you for
not going outside, but that's
Listen... I don't blame you for
not going outside, but that's
not gonna help you, either, pal,
Not going outside, but that's
not gonna help you, either, pal,
because what about the tornados,
Not gonna help you, either, pal,
because what about the tornados,
huh?
Because what about the tornados,
huh?
And it doesn't matter what
Huh?
And it doesn't matter what
corner of the basement you're
And it doesn't matter what
corner of the basement you're
in.
Corner of the basement you're
in.
You're as good as dead.
In.
You're as good as dead.
And a dam busts.
You're as good as dead.
And a dam busts.
A dam breaks, okay?
And a dam busts.
A dam breaks, okay?
A dam breaks.
A dam breaks, okay?
A dam breaks.
[Imitates expl*si*n] bang!
A dam breaks.
[Imitates expl*si*n] bang!
It hits you during a tornado,
[Imitates expl*si*n] bang!
It hits you during a tornado,
and a plane crashes into your
It hits you during a tornado,
and a plane crashes into your
house, right?
And a plane crashes into your
house, right?
And don't expect your insurance
House, right?
And don't expect your insurance
man to be on the spot.
And don't expect your insurance
man to be on the spot.
No, he's no idiot.
Man to be on the spot.
No, he's no idiot.
He'll wait.
No, he's no idiot.
He'll wait.
He'll make sure you're dead so
He'll wait.
He'll make sure you're dead so
he can keep the money because
He'll make sure you're dead so
he can keep the money because
insurance companies own
He can keep the money because
insurance companies own
everything in this country!
Insurance companies own
everything in this country!
And if you don't like it here,
Everything in this country!
And if you don't like it here,
pal, if you don't like the
And if you don't like it here,
pal, if you don't like the
weather in this country, why
Pal, if you don't like the
weather in this country, why
don't you go to india, huh?
Weather in this country, why
don't you go to india, huh?
Go to india, where they've got
Don't you go to india, huh?
Go to india, where they've got
monsoons that'll wash your crops
Go to india, where they've got
monsoons that'll wash your crops
away, and you'll probably drown.
Monsoons that'll wash your crops
away, and you'll probably drown.
And even if you do survive, the
Away, and you'll probably drown.
And even if you do survive, the
only thing you can eat are cows.
And even if you do survive, the
only thing you can eat are cows.
But you can't eat the cows,
Only thing you can eat are cows.
But you can't eat the cows,
'cause, no, they won't eat the
But you can't eat the cows,
'cause, no, they won't eat the
cows.
'Cause, no, they won't eat the
cows.
No.
Cows.
No.
Unh-unh!
No.
Unh-unh!
They won't eat them.
Unh-unh!
They won't eat them.
They'd rather starve than eat a
They won't eat them.
They'd rather starve than eat a
cow!
They'd rather starve than eat a
cow!
They only thing they eat is mud
Cow!
They only thing they eat is mud
and curry!
They only thing they eat is mud
and curry!
And I hate curry!
And curry!
And I hate curry!
I hate curry!
And I hate curry!
I hate curry!
I'd rather eat mud than curry.
I hate curry!
I'd rather eat mud than curry.
I like cow flesh.
I'd rather eat mud than curry.
I like cow flesh.
I like meat.
I like cow flesh.
I like meat.
You know what I like?
I like meat.
You know what I like?
I like prime rib.
You know what I like?
I like prime rib.
I like sirloin steak.
I like prime rib.
I like sirloin steak.
I like american food.
I like sirloin steak.
I like american food.
Don't push me, curtin.
I like american food.
Don't push me, curtin.
I mean it.
Don't push me, curtin.
I mean it.
I like american food.
I mean it.
I like american food.
You know, one thing I'll never
I like american food.
You know, one thing I'll never
understand is why the japanese
You know, one thing I'll never
understand is why the japanese
eat raw fish.
Understand is why the japanese
eat raw fish.
I mean, didn't they invent the
Eat raw fish.
I mean, didn't they invent the
hibachi?
I mean, didn't they invent the
hibachi?
I mean, no, they don't want to
Hibachi?
I mean, no, they don't want to
do that!
I mean, no, they don't want to
do that!
No, not them!
Do that!
No, not them!
They want to eat it raw.
No, not them!
They want to eat it raw.
They want to eat it with that
They want to eat it raw.
They want to eat it with that
gooey, transparent noodles, you
They want to eat it with that
gooey, transparent noodles, you
know?
Gooey, transparent noodles, you
know?
Now, spaghetti noodles I can
Know?
Now, spaghetti noodles I can
eat, as long as it's not
Now, spaghetti noodles I can
eat, as long as it's not
overcooked.
Eat, as long as it's not
overcooked.
Wrap it up, john.
Overcooked.
Wrap it up, john.
Don't... I swear to god,
Wrap it up, john.
Don't... I swear to god,
curtin!
Don't... I swear to god,
curtin!
You know?
Curtin!
You know?
You know what else I hate?
You know?
You know what else I hate?
Mexican chili.
You know what else I hate?
Mexican chili.
Real mexican chili, you know?
Mexican chili.
Real mexican chili, you know?
Because it's green, you know?
Real mexican chili, you know?
Because it's green, you know?
It's green, and it's real hot.
Because it's green, you know?
It's green, and it's real hot.
It's not like the chili I had in
It's green, and it's real hot.
It's not like the chili I had in
the cafeteria at school, which
It's not like the chili I had in
the cafeteria at school, which
was red chili with meat and with
The cafeteria at school, which
was red chili with meat and with
beans.
Was red chili with meat and with
beans.
And there was no way I was gonna
Beans.
And there was no way I was gonna
pay for it or eat it.
And there was no way I was gonna
pay for it or eat it.
I told the waitress, "I'm not
Pay for it or eat it.
I told the waitress, "I'm not
paying for this!
I told the waitress, "I'm not
paying for this!
This is not the chili I know!
Paying for this!
This is not the chili I know!
Where are the chili beans, huh?!
This is not the chili I know!
Where are the chili beans, huh?!
Where's the meat?!
Where are the chili beans, huh?!
Where's the meat?!
Where is it? Forget it!
Where's the meat?!
Where is it? Forget it!
I'm not gonna... "Aah! Aah! Aah!
Where is it? Forget it!
I'm not gonna... "Aah! Aah! Aah!
Oh, god!
I'm not gonna... "Aah! Aah! Aah!
Oh, god!
That's the news tonight.
Oh, god!
That's the news tonight.
Good night, and have a pleasant
That's the news tonight.
Good night, and have a pleasant
tomorrow.
[Bruce johnston's "I write the
songs" playing]
♪ I write the songs that make
[Songs" playing]
♪ I write the songs that make
the whole world sing ♪
♪ I write the songs that make
the whole world sing ♪
♪ I write the notes and the
The whole world sing ♪
♪ I write the notes and the
words and everything ♪
♪ I write the notes and the
words and everything ♪
♪ I write the songs that make
Words and everything ♪
♪ I write the songs that make
the young girls cry ♪
♪ I write the songs that make
the young girls cry ♪
♪ I write the songs ♪
The young girls cry ♪
♪ I write the songs ♪
♪ I write the songs ♪
♪ I write the songs ♪
♪ I write the songs ♪
♪ I am music ♪
♪ I write the songs ♪
♪ I am music ♪
♪ and I write the songs ♪
♪ I am music ♪
♪ and I write the songs ♪
thank you.
♪ And I write the songs ♪
thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hello.
Thank you very much.
Hello.
Welcome to the zephyr room, up
Hello.
Welcome to the zephyr room, up
at the beautiful breezy point
Welcome to the zephyr room, up
at the beautiful breezy point
lodge at lake minnehonka.
At the beautiful breezy point
lodge at lake minnehonka.
My name is nick summers.
Lodge at lake minnehonka.
My name is nick summers.
Thank you.
My name is nick summers.
Thank you.
And I'm gonna try to entertain
Thank you.
And I'm gonna try to entertain
you for a little while.
And I'm gonna try to entertain
you for a little while.
I want to thank you once again.
You for a little while.
I want to thank you once again.
I want you to know that a
I want to thank you once again.
I want you to know that a
minnehonka summer is a fun
I want you to know that a
minnehonka summer is a fun
summer.
Minnehonka summer is a fun
summer.
That's what you're here for.
Summer.
That's what you're here for.
That's what I'm here for, and
That's what you're here for.
That's what I'm here for, and
I'm kind of a fun guy.
That's what I'm here for, and
I'm kind of a fun guy.
So let's relax and have a little
I'm kind of a fun guy.
So let's relax and have a little
bit of fun.
So let's relax and have a little
bit of fun.
Say, did anybody hear a loon
Bit of fun.
Say, did anybody hear a loon
about 6:15, huh?
Say, did anybody hear a loon
about 6:15, huh?
I did.
About 6:15, huh?
I did.
You've got to keep your ears
I did.
You've got to keep your ears
open.
You've got to keep your ears
open.
[Piano keys tinkling]
Open.
[Piano keys tinkling]
yes, that's what they sound
[Piano keys tinkling]
yes, that's what they sound
like, paul.
Yes, that's what they sound
like, paul.
[Chuckles]
Like, paul.
[Chuckles]
and if you want the kids to see
[Chuckles]
and if you want the kids to see
some deer, get up about 6:30 and
And if you want the kids to see
some deer, get up about 6:30 and
stand over by the volleyball
Some deer, get up about 6:30 and
stand over by the volleyball
courts, and they'll come out.
Stand over by the volleyball
courts, and they'll come out.
Believe me.
Courts, and they'll come out.
Believe me.
Oh, for me, I bet.
Believe me.
Oh, for me, I bet.
Thanks, jane.
Oh, for me, I bet.
Thanks, jane.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Thanks, jane.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Jane's just told me we've got an
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Jane's just told me we've got an
anniversary at the breezy point
Jane's just told me we've got an
anniversary at the breezy point
tonight, right down in front.
Anniversary at the breezy point
tonight, right down in front.
Hello, and you are mr. And
Tonight, right down in front.
Hello, and you are mr. And
mrs...
Hello, and you are mr. And
mrs...
Gunner alquist from
Mrs...
Gunner alquist from
fond du lac, wisconsin.
Gunner alquist from
fond du lac, wisconsin.
Oh, welcome aboard.
Fond du lac, wisconsin.
Oh, welcome aboard.
And, mrs. Alquist, do you still
Oh, welcome aboard.
And, mrs. Alquist, do you still
love him just as much as you
And, mrs. Alquist, do you still
love him just as much as you
ever did?
Love him just as much as you
ever did?
Yes, I do.
Ever did?
Yes, I do.
If you had it all to do over
Yes, I do.
If you had it all to do over
again, would you do it?
If you had it all to do over
again, would you do it?
No.
Again, would you do it?
No.
Is there a song that I can
No.
Is there a song that I can
sing for you two?
Is there a song that I can
sing for you two?
No!
Sing for you two?
No!
Well, I'd just like to say
No!
Well, I'd just like to say
this.
Well, I'd just like to say
this.
♪ Happy anniversary, mr. And
This.
♪ Happy anniversary, mr. And
mrs. Gunner alquist ♪
♪ Happy anniversary, mr. And
mrs. Gunner alquist ♪
♪ happy anniversary to you ♪
Mrs. Gunner alquist ♪
♪ happy anniversary to you ♪
thank you.
♪ Happy anniversary to you ♪
thank you.
I want to take this opportunity
Thank you.
I want to take this opportunity
to introduce a celebrity in the
I want to take this opportunity
to introduce a celebrity in the
audience, sitting way back there
To introduce a celebrity in the
audience, sitting way back there
in the dark.
Audience, sitting way back there
in the dark.
I almost can't see you, skeeter.
In the dark.
I almost can't see you, skeeter.
Don't you want anybody to know
I almost can't see you, skeeter.
Don't you want anybody to know
that you're here?
Don't you want anybody to know
that you're here?
The man who put the breezy point
That you're here?
The man who put the breezy point
lodge on the map,
The man who put the breezy point
lodge on the map,
lake minnehonka's own water-ski
Lodge on the map,
lake minnehonka's own water-ski
instructor... Skeeter miller!
Lake minnehonka's own water-ski
instructor... Skeeter miller!
Come on! Let's hear it!
Instructor... Skeeter miller!
Come on! Let's hear it!
He also does a heck of a job
Come on! Let's hear it!
He also does a heck of a job
with the water show on saturday
He also does a heck of a job
with the water show on saturday
afternoons.
With the water show on saturday
afternoons.
And who is this pretty young
Afternoons.
And who is this pretty young
miss, skeeter?
And who is this pretty young
miss, skeeter?
What's your name, miss?
Miss, skeeter?
What's your name, miss?
That's "mrs."
What's your name, miss?
That's "mrs."
Mrs...
That's "mrs."
Mrs...
Mrs. Campbell.
Mrs...
Mrs. Campbell.
Mrs. Campbell.
Mrs. Campbell.
Mrs. Campbell.
Oh, of course.
Mrs. Campbell.
Oh, of course.
Your husband broke his ankle.
Oh, of course.
Your husband broke his ankle.
He's gonna be laid up this week.
Your husband broke his ankle.
He's gonna be laid up this week.
Mucho sorry about that.
He's gonna be laid up this week.
Mucho sorry about that.
Well, I'm awfully glad that you
Mucho sorry about that.
Well, I'm awfully glad that you
two could come.
Well, I'm awfully glad that you
two could come.
Thank you for that.
Two could come.
Thank you for that.
And be sure, everybody, to check
Thank you for that.
And be sure, everybody, to check
out skeeter's show or ask him to
And be sure, everybody, to check
out skeeter's show or ask him to
help you get up on the boards
Out skeeter's show or ask him to
help you get up on the boards
yourself, 'cause he's a
Help you get up on the boards
yourself, 'cause he's a
terrific...
Yourself, 'cause he's a
terrific...
[Fanfare plays]
Terrific...
[Fanfare plays]
uh-oh!
[Fanfare plays]
uh-oh!
That's the catch-of-the-day
Uh-oh!
That's the catch-of-the-day
fanfare, which can mean only one
That's the catch-of-the-day
fanfare, which can mean only one
thing... Time for a special
Fanfare, which can mean only one
thing... Time for a special
event... The catch of the day!
Thing... Time for a special
event... The catch of the day!
Here he is... The biggest fish
Event... The catch of the day!
Here he is... The biggest fish
pulled on lake minnehonka today,
Here he is... The biggest fish
pulled on lake minnehonka today,
caught by our own fishing and
Pulled on lake minnehonka today,
caught by our own fishing and
snowmobile guide,
Caught by our own fishing and
snowmobile guide,
jimmy joe red sky.
Snowmobile guide,
jimmy joe red sky.
He is the best guide in the
Jimmy joe red sky.
He is the best guide in the
parts, no question about that.
He is the best guide in the
parts, no question about that.
He's got a beautiful chris-craft
Parts, no question about that.
He's got a beautiful chris-craft
with twin mercs.
He's got a beautiful chris-craft
with twin mercs.
And he packs the lunch, right,
With twin mercs.
And he packs the lunch, right,
jimmy joe?
And he packs the lunch, right,
jimmy joe?
[Midwestern accent] better
Jimmy joe?
[Midwestern accent] better
not touch that fish there.
[Midwestern accent] better
not touch that fish there.
I'll take your hand right off.
Not touch that fish there.
I'll take your hand right off.
Look at those teeth!
I'll take your hand right off.
Look at those teeth!
You want one of these, you come
Look at those teeth!
You want one of these, you come
to the dock tomorrow with 10
You want one of these, you come
to the dock tomorrow with 10
bucks at 4:30 in the morning.
To the dock tomorrow with 10
bucks at 4:30 in the morning.
I'll get you a couple.
Bucks at 4:30 in the morning.
I'll get you a couple.
No kidding.
I'll get you a couple.
No kidding.
And when he says that, he means
No kidding.
And when he says that, he means
it.
And when he says that, he means
it.
I'll tell you something.
It.
I'll tell you something.
He's an indian, and they don't
I'll tell you something.
He's an indian, and they don't
lie.
He's an indian, and they don't
lie.
I love that.
Lie.
I love that.
Thank you, jimmy joe.
I love that.
Thank you, jimmy joe.
We've reached the
Thank you, jimmy joe.
We've reached the
audience-participation part of
We've reached the
audience-participation part of
the program.
Audience-participation part of
the program.
Every night at 9:30, we dance
The program.
Every night at 9:30, we dance
the snowball, where everybody
Every night at 9:30, we dance
the snowball, where everybody
joins in.
The snowball, where everybody
joins in.
So play that song, paul, and let
Joins in.
So play that song, paul, and let
the snowball begin.
So play that song, paul, and let
the snowball begin.
[Up-tempo music playing]
The snowball begin.
[Up-tempo music playing]
♪ now begin ♪
[Up-tempo music playing]
♪ now begin ♪
the first couple on the floor
♪ Now begin ♪
the first couple on the floor
will also get their picture on
The first couple on the floor
will also get their picture on
the cover of next week's
Will also get their picture on
the cover of next week's
breezy point lodge bulletin, so,
The cover of next week's
breezy point lodge bulletin, so,
ladies and gentlemen, it's
Breezy point lodge bulletin, so,
ladies and gentlemen, it's
dancing time.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's
dancing time.
Time to get up and dance.
Dancing time.
Time to get up and dance.
Wait a minute, paul, for a
Time to get up and dance.
Wait a minute, paul, for a
second.
Wait a minute, paul, for a
second.
We never do this in the snowball
Second.
We never do this in the snowball
dance, but just for the heck of
We never do this in the snowball
dance, but just for the heck of
it, tonight let's make this a
Dance, but just for the heck of
it, tonight let's make this a
ladies' choice.
It, tonight let's make this a
ladies' choice.
Let's dance.
Ladies' choice.
Let's dance.
[Music continues]
Let's dance.
[Music continues]
I can't believe this.
[Music continues]
I can't believe this.
This has never happened before,
I can't believe this.
This has never happened before,
has it, paul?
This has never happened before,
has it, paul?
No.
Has it, paul?
No.
Never has. Shelley?
No.
Never has. Shelley?
That's surprising, isn't it?
Never has. Shelley?
That's surprising, isn't it?
Well, I think everyone's
That's surprising, isn't it?
Well, I think everyone's
probably a little bit too tired
Well, I think everyone's
probably a little bit too tired
to dance tonight anyway, so
Probably a little bit too tired
to dance tonight anyway, so
let's all call it a night and
To dance tonight anyway, so
let's all call it a night and
get up early, and let's hope
Let's all call it a night and
get up early, and let's hope
that those raindrops stop
Get up early, and let's hope
that those raindrops stop
falling on my head.
That those raindrops stop
falling on my head.
["Raindrops keep fallin' on my
Falling on my head.
["Raindrops keep fallin' on my
head" plays]
["Raindrops keep fallin' on my
head" plays]
hey, look who's clowning!
[Head" plays]
hey, look who's clowning!
Do you believe this? Paul!
Hey, look who's clowning!
Do you believe this? Paul!
He drives over from ely, and if
Do you believe this? Paul!
He drives over from ely, and if
you think the mosquitos are bad
He drives over from ely, and if
you think the mosquitos are bad
here, you should see them over
You think the mosquitos are bad
here, you should see them over
in ely.
Here, you should see them over
in ely.
The mosquitos have license
In ely.
The mosquitos have license
plates, and I mean that.
The mosquitos have license
plates, and I mean that.
Seriously, the deerflies have
Plates, and I mean that.
Seriously, the deerflies have
antlers.
Seriously, the deerflies have
antlers.
Now get out of here.
Antlers.
Now get out of here.
[Chuckles]
Now get out of here.
[Chuckles]
but this rain isn't gonna hold
[Chuckles]
but this rain isn't gonna hold
too much longer.
But this rain isn't gonna hold
too much longer.
I'm sure of that.
Too much longer.
I'm sure of that.
Well, good night, everybody, and
I'm sure of that.
Well, good night, everybody, and
this is nick summers saying a
Well, good night, everybody, and
this is nick summers saying a
minnehonka summer is a fun
This is nick summers saying a
minnehonka summer is a fun
summer.
Minnehonka summer is a fun
summer.
That's what you're here for.
Summer.
That's what you're here for.
That's what I'm here for.
That's what you're here for.
That's what I'm here for.
I am a fun guy, and I hope that
That's what I'm here for.
I am a fun guy, and I hope that
you had fun tonight.
I am a fun guy, and I hope that
you had fun tonight.
Say, and one more thing... I
You had fun tonight.
Say, and one more thing... I
want you just to remember...
Say, and one more thing... I
want you just to remember...
♪ To sing ♪
Want you just to remember...
♪ To sing ♪
that's right.
♪ To sing ♪
that's right.
♪ Sing a song ♪
That's right.
♪ Sing a song ♪
♪ sing it loud ♪
♪ Sing a song ♪
♪ sing it loud ♪
♪ sing it short ♪
♪ Sing it loud ♪
♪ sing it short ♪
remember to put on some 6-12
♪ Sing it short ♪
remember to put on some 6-12
when you go out.
Remember to put on some 6-12
when you go out.
♪ Sing it happy, not sad ♪
When you go out.
♪ Sing it happy, not sad ♪
you know, we got bears over at
♪ Sing it happy, not sad ♪
you know, we got bears over at
the garbage dump.
You know, we got bears over at
the garbage dump.
Just flash your headlights.
The garbage dump.
Just flash your headlights.
♪ Sing of the good times and not
Just flash your headlights.
♪ Sing of the good times and not
the bad ♪
♪ Sing of the good times and not
the bad ♪
♪ well, no matter if it's not
The bad ♪
♪ well, no matter if it's not
good enough ♪
♪ Well, no matter if it's not
good enough ♪
this is my seventh summer up
Good enough ♪
this is my seventh summer up
here!
This is my seventh summer up
here!
♪ For anyone else to hear ♪
Here!
♪ For anyone else to hear ♪
♪ just sing ♪
♪ For anyone else to hear ♪
♪ just sing ♪
♪ sing a song ♪
♪ Just sing ♪
♪ sing a song ♪
♪ please won't you sing me a
♪ Sing a song ♪
♪ please won't you sing me a
song? ♪
♪ Please won't you sing me a
song? ♪
Thank you. Good night.
Song? ♪
Thank you. Good night.
[Applause]
Meet kenny ralston.
Like millions of americans,
every year, little kenny was
Like millions of americans,
every year, little kenny was
born without a face.
Every year, little kenny was
born without a face.
It's not too late to save kenny,
Born without a face.
It's not too late to save kenny,
but we need your help.
It's not too late to save kenny,
but we need your help.
Hello. I'm joan crawford,
But we need your help.
Hello. I'm joan crawford,
speaking for the
Hello. I'm joan crawford,
speaking for the
united face bank.
Speaking for the
united face bank.
Have you ever wondered what life
United face bank.
Have you ever wondered what life
would be like if you didn't have
Have you ever wondered what life
would be like if you didn't have
a face?
Would be like if you didn't have
a face?
Sort of like this, I suppose.
Not very much fun, is it?
Little things we take for
granted, things like eating,
Little things we take for
granted, things like eating,
seeing, hearing, smelling,
Granted, things like eating,
seeing, hearing, smelling,
talking, singing, laughing,
Seeing, hearing, smelling,
talking, singing, laughing,
breathing... Those are all
Talking, singing, laughing,
breathing... Those are all
things the faceless never know.
Breathing... Those are all
things the faceless never know.
All they know is the world of
Things the faceless never know.
All they know is the world of
tubes... Lots and lots of tubes.
All they know is the world of
tubes... Lots and lots of tubes.
Here's someone who can tell us
Tubes... Lots and lots of tubes.
Here's someone who can tell us
about that world, someone's
Here's someone who can tell us
about that world, someone's
whose face transplant allowed
About that world, someone's
whose face transplant allowed
him to become a top professional
Whose face transplant allowed
him to become a top professional
football star... Eldo johnson of
Him to become a top professional
football star... Eldo johnson of
the miami dolphins.
Football star... Eldo johnson of
the miami dolphins.
Thank you, joan.
The miami dolphins.
Thank you, joan.
I used to think that I would
Thank you, joan.
I used to think that I would
never have a face, but
I used to think that I would
never have a face, but
united face bank gave me a new
Never have a face, but
united face bank gave me a new
lease on life, when I was
United face bank gave me a new
lease on life, when I was
fortunate enough to receive one
Lease on life, when I was
fortunate enough to receive one
from an 11-year-old white
Fortunate enough to receive one
from an 11-year-old white
girl... Scout... k*lled in a
From an 11-year-old white
girl... Scout... k*lled in a
rockfall.
Girl... Scout... k*lled in a
rockfall.
Admittedly, I might have
Rockfall.
Admittedly, I might have
preferred the face of a black,
Admittedly, I might have
preferred the face of a black,
adult male, but they did the
Preferred the face of a black,
adult male, but they did the
best they could with what they
Adult male, but they did the
best they could with what they
had.
Best they could with what they
had.
Yes, eldo, but sometimes, as
Had.
Yes, eldo, but sometimes, as
in your case, their best just
Yes, eldo, but sometimes, as
in your case, their best just
wasn't good enough.
In your case, their best just
wasn't good enough.
Hey, joan, do you think they
Wasn't good enough.
Hey, joan, do you think they
might have a black one now?
Hey, joan, do you think they
might have a black one now?
I mean, do you mind if I poke
Might have a black one now?
I mean, do you mind if I poke
around in the fridge a little
I mean, do you mind if I poke
around in the fridge a little
bit?
Around in the fridge a little
bit?
Go right ahead.
Bit?
Go right ahead.
Okay.
Go right ahead.
Okay.
Yes, only you can make the
Okay.
Yes, only you can make the
difference between despair and
Yes, only you can make the
difference between despair and
hope.
Difference between despair and
hope.
Only you can provide the chance
Hope.
Only you can provide the chance
for a better life.
Only you can provide the chance
for a better life.
Of course, funds are urgently
For a better life.
Of course, funds are urgently
needed, but more importantly,
Of course, funds are urgently
needed, but more importantly,
I'm asking you to give of
Needed, but more importantly,
I'm asking you to give of
yourself.
I'm asking you to give of
yourself.
Help little kenny put on a happy
Yourself.
Help little kenny put on a happy
face.
Help little kenny put on a happy
face.
Did you find anything?
Face.
Did you find anything?
Well, the closest I can come
Did you find anything?
Well, the closest I can come
up with is a filipino
Well, the closest I can come
up with is a filipino
schoolteacher here.
Up with is a filipino
schoolteacher here.
That won't do it.
Schoolteacher here.
That won't do it.
Announcer: support the
That won't do it.
Announcer: support the
united face bank.
[Up-tempo music playing]
A lot of people are talking
about the fact that professional
athletes play ball just for the
About the fact that professional
athletes play ball just for the
money these days.
Athletes play ball just for the
money these days.
Well, gary weis' film this week
Money these days.
Well, gary weis' film this week
shows that competition can bring
Well, gary weis' film this week
shows that competition can bring
out the very best in us.
Shows that competition can bring
out the very best in us.
And now, this week's film by
Out the very best in us.
And now, this week's film by
gary weis.
And now, this week's film by
gary weis.
♪ Oh, beautiful for spacious
Gary weis.
♪ Oh, beautiful for spacious
skies ♪
♪ Oh, beautiful for spacious
skies ♪
♪ for amber waves of grain ♪
Skies ♪
♪ for amber waves of grain ♪
♪ for purple mountain
♪ For amber waves of grain ♪
♪ for purple mountain
majesties ♪
♪ For purple mountain
majesties ♪
♪ above the fruited plain ♪
Majesties ♪
♪ above the fruited plain ♪
well, now wait a minute!
♪ Above the fruited plain ♪
well, now wait a minute!
I'm talking about...
Well, now wait a minute!
I'm talking about...
♪ America ♪
I'm talking about...
♪ America ♪
♪ sweet america ♪
♪ America ♪
♪ sweet america ♪
♪ you know, god done shed his
♪ Sweet america ♪
♪ you know, god done shed his
grace on thee ♪
♪ You know, god done shed his
grace on thee ♪
♪ he crown thy good ♪
Grace on thee ♪
♪ he crown thy good ♪
♪ yes, he did ♪
♪ He crown thy good ♪
♪ yes, he did ♪
♪ with brotherhood ♪
♪ Yes, he did ♪
♪ with brotherhood ♪
♪ from sea to shining sea ♪
♪ With brotherhood ♪
♪ from sea to shining sea ♪
you know, I wish I had somebody
♪ From sea to shining sea ♪
you know, I wish I had somebody
to help me sing this.
You know, I wish I had somebody
to help me sing this.
[Cheers and applause]
And now, once again, the
mcgarrigle sisters.
[Cheers and applause]
Mcgarrigle sisters.
[Cheers and applause]
["heart like a wheel" playing]
[Cheers and applause]
["heart like a wheel" playing]
♪ some say a heart is just
["Heart like a wheel" playing]
♪ some say a heart is just
like a wheel ♪
♪ Some say a heart is just
like a wheel ♪
♪ when you bend it, you can't
Like a wheel ♪
♪ when you bend it, you can't
mend it ♪
♪ When you bend it, you can't
mend it ♪
♪ and my love for you is like a
Mend it ♪
♪ and my love for you is like a
sinking ship ♪
♪ And my love for you is like a
sinking ship ♪
♪ and my heart is on that ship
Sinking ship ♪
♪ and my heart is on that ship
out in mid-ocean ♪
♪ And my heart is on that ship
out in mid-ocean ♪
♪ they say that death is a
Out in mid-ocean ♪
♪ they say that death is a
tragedy ♪
♪ They say that death is a
tragedy ♪
♪ it comes once and it's over ♪
Tragedy ♪
♪ it comes once and it's over ♪
♪ but my only wish is for that
♪ It comes once and it's over ♪
♪ but my only wish is for that
deep dark abyss ♪
♪ But my only wish is for that
deep dark abyss ♪
♪ 'cause what's the use of
Deep dark abyss ♪
♪ 'cause what's the use of
living with no true lover? ♪
♪ When harm's done, no love
can be won ♪
♪ I know it happens frequently ♪
Can be won ♪
♪ I know it happens frequently ♪
both: ♪ what I can't
♪ I know it happens frequently ♪
both: ♪ what I can't
understand ♪
Both: ♪ what I can't
understand ♪
♪ oh, please, god, hold my
Understand ♪
♪ oh, please, god, hold my
hand ♪
♪ Oh, please, god, hold my
hand ♪
♪ why it should have happened
Hand ♪
♪ why it should have happened
to me ♪
♪ Why it should have happened
to me ♪
both: ♪ and it's only love ♪
To me ♪
both: ♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
Both: ♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ that can wreck a human being ♪
♪ And it's only love ♪
♪ that can wreck a human being ♪
♪ and turn him inside out ♪
♪ That can wreck a human being ♪
♪ and turn him inside out ♪
♪ that can wreck a human being
♪ And turn him inside out ♪
♪ that can wreck a human being
and turn him inside out ♪
♪ That can wreck a human being
and turn him inside out ♪
♪ some say a heart is just like
And turn him inside out ♪
♪ some say a heart is just like
a wheel ♪
♪ Some say a heart is just like
a wheel ♪
♪ when you bend it, you can't
A wheel ♪
♪ when you bend it, you can't
mend it ♪
♪ When you bend it, you can't
mend it ♪
♪ and my love for you is like a
Mend it ♪
♪ and my love for you is like a
sinking ship ♪
♪ And my love for you is like a
sinking ship ♪
♪ and my heart is on that
Sinking ship ♪
♪ and my heart is on that
ship out in mid-ocean ♪
♪ And my heart is on that
ship out in mid-ocean ♪
both: ♪ and it's only love ♪
Ship out in mid-ocean ♪
both: ♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
Both: ♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ And it's only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ And it's only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ only love ♪
♪ And it's only love ♪
♪ only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ Only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ And it's only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
♪ And it's only love ♪
♪ and it's only love ♪
[cheers and applause]
You jiving me, sucker?
There's no way I'm gonna see any
money from you now.
There's no way I'm gonna see any
money from you now.
This is saturday night, and all
Money from you now.
This is saturday night, and all
the banks are closed.
This is saturday night, and all
the banks are closed.
Easy, man.
The banks are closed.
Easy, man.
I'm good for it.
Easy, man.
I'm good for it.
Don't press me.
I'm good for it.
Don't press me.
I got a 24-hour bank card right
Don't press me.
I got a 24-hour bank card right
here.
I got a 24-hour bank card right
here.
It's good for cash anytime.
Here.
It's good for cash anytime.
Yeah, well, it better work,
It's good for cash anytime.
Yeah, well, it better work,
'cause if I don't collect from
Yeah, well, it better work,
'cause if I don't collect from
you tonight, it'll be bad news
'Cause if I don't collect from
you tonight, it'll be bad news
for you, sucker.
You tonight, it'll be bad news
for you, sucker.
Lighten up, man.
For you, sucker.
Lighten up, man.
You'll get your bread.
Lighten up, man.
You'll get your bread.
I use this system all the time.
You'll get your bread.
I use this system all the time.
I'll show you.
I use this system all the time.
I'll show you.
I put the card right in here.
I'll show you.
I put the card right in here.
Now I push the amount of money I
I put the card right in here.
Now I push the amount of money I
owe you... 200 Bucks.
Now I push the amount of money I
owe you... 200 Bucks.
[Machine beeping]
Owe you... 200 Bucks.
[Machine beeping]
plus eight weeks' interest.
[Machine beeping]
plus eight weeks' interest.
400 Bucks.
Plus eight weeks' interest.
400 Bucks.
[Machine beeping]
400 Bucks.
[Machine beeping]
and I punch my code number.
[Machine beeping]
and I punch my code number.
[Machine beeping]
And I punch my code number.
[Machine beeping]
and then the money comes right
[Machine beeping]
and then the money comes right
out here, the little slot.
And then the money comes right
out here, the little slot.
Yeah.
Out here, the little slot.
Yeah.
Well, it usually comes right
Yeah.
Well, it usually comes right
out here.
Well, it usually comes right
out here.
Well, I don't know, man.
Out here.
Well, I don't know, man.
There must be a problem.
Well, I don't know, man.
There must be a problem.
Hey, what's this, man?
There must be a problem.
Hey, what's this, man?
What's this?
Hey, what's this, man?
What's this?
"Further info needed," man.
What's this?
"Further info needed," man.
What's...
"Further info needed," man.
What's...
I don't know what's going on.
What's...
I don't know what's going on.
I swear to you I'm not lying.
I don't know what's going on.
I swear to you I'm not lying.
I know it sounds like a rip-off.
I swear to you I'm not lying.
I know it sounds like a rip-off.
I've never pulled this before.
I know it sounds like a rip-off.
I've never pulled this before.
Look "to obtain cash complete
I've never pulled this before.
Look "to obtain cash complete
security test."
Look "to obtain cash complete
security test."
What's...
Security test."
What's...
I don't know, man.
What's...
I don't know, man.
This is a bank.
I don't know, man.
This is a bank.
They're so weird.
This is a bank.
They're so weird.
They're taking over the whole
They're so weird.
They're taking over the whole
country.
They're taking over the whole
country.
"I.q. Quiz... Choose "a,"
Country.
"I.q. Quiz... Choose "a,"
"b," or "c."
"I.q. Quiz... Choose "a,"
"b," or "c."
What?
"B," or "c."
What?
"Where is the cradle of..."
What?
"Where is the cradle of..."
"Wyoming," "saturn"...
"Where is the cradle of..."
"Wyoming," "saturn"...
Uh, punch "c," "mesopotamia."
"Wyoming," "saturn"...
Uh, punch "c," "mesopotamia."
Are you sure, man?
Uh, punch "c," "mesopotamia."
Are you sure, man?
Punch "c."
Are you sure, man?
Punch "c."
Look, man, mesopotamia, the
Punch "c."
Look, man, mesopotamia, the
valley of the tigris and the
Look, man, mesopotamia, the
valley of the tigris and the
euphrates river in africa, man.
Valley of the tigris and the
euphrates river in africa, man.
Right, right, right.
Euphrates river in africa, man.
Right, right, right.
Look at this. See?
Right, right, right.
Look at this. See?
All right. We win. We win.
Look at this. See?
All right. We win. We win.
"A triangle with equal sides
All right. We win. We win.
"A triangle with equal sides
is called..."
"A triangle with equal sides
is called..."
I used to know this, man.
Is called..."
I used to know this, man.
Uh, "equilateral."
I used to know this, man.
Uh, "equilateral."
Punch "b." Punch "b."
Uh, "equilateral."
Punch "b." Punch "b."
Okay, all right.
Punch "b." Punch "b."
Okay, all right.
We're hot. We're hot.
Okay, all right.
We're hot. We're hot.
Little bit of skin on the pink
We're hot. We're hot.
Little bit of skin on the pink
side, prince.
Little bit of skin on the pink
side, prince.
Let's go. Hey.
Side, prince.
Let's go. Hey.
Oh, sports!
Let's go. Hey.
Oh, sports!
Uh, dr. J. Hey!
Oh, sports!
Uh, dr. J. Hey!
Dr. J, dr. J.
Uh, dr. J. Hey!
Dr. J, dr. J.
[Whistles]
Dr. J, dr. J.
[Whistles]
yeah, no kidding.
[Whistles]
yeah, no kidding.
Now, where is my cash?
Yeah, no kidding.
Now, where is my cash?
All right. All right.
Now, where is my cash?
All right. All right.
Where's the cash? Let's go.
All right. All right.
Where's the cash? Let's go.
Where's my cash?
Where's the cash? Let's go.
Where's my cash?
Cash is coming.
Where's my cash?
Cash is coming.
Hey, "congratulations.
Cash is coming.
Hey, "congratulations.
You have answered correctly.
Hey, "congratulations.
You have answered correctly.
You now qualify for the optional
You have answered correctly.
You now qualify for the optional
genius test."
You now qualify for the optional
genius test."
Great. Great. Great.
Genius test."
Great. Great. Great.
A driving test.
Great. Great. Great.
A driving test.
Wait a minute.
A driving test.
Wait a minute.
I'm not prepared for a driving
Wait a minute.
I'm not prepared for a driving
test.
I'm not prepared for a driving
test.
Wait a minute.
Test.
Wait a minute.
Whoa!
Wait a minute.
Whoa!
There's no wheel.
Whoa!
There's no wheel.
[Car engine humming]
There's no wheel.
[Car engine humming]
oh! Hey!
[Car engine humming]
oh! Hey!
Oh, this is right.
Oh! Hey!
Oh, this is right.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Oh, this is right.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
I'm trying. I'm trying.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
I'm trying. I'm trying.
Well, that hurts a little bit,
I'm trying. I'm trying.
Well, that hurts a little bit,
man.
Well, that hurts a little bit,
man.
I'm sorry.
Man.
I'm sorry.
Okay, "tests completed.
I'm sorry.
Okay, "tests completed.
Withdraw money from dispenser."
Okay, "tests completed.
Withdraw money from dispenser."
Okay. All right.
Withdraw money from dispenser."
Okay. All right.
Six... Let's go.
Okay. All right.
Six... Let's go.
[Whistles]
Six... Let's go.
[Whistles]
wait a minute. Wait.
[Whistles]
wait a minute. Wait.
"Data source"... What's this?
Wait a minute. Wait.
"Data source"... What's this?
"Currency exchange."
"Data source"... What's this?
"Currency exchange."
"Bulletin."
"Currency exchange."
"Bulletin."
"Urgent bulletin."
"Bulletin."
"Urgent bulletin."
"As of april 1997, treasury
"Urgent bulletin."
"As of april 1997, treasury
acknowledged legal tender
"As of april 1997, treasury
acknowledged legal tender
changed from existing federal
Acknowledged legal tender
changed from existing federal
reserve paper currency to
Changed from existing federal
reserve paper currency to
headcheese"?
"Effective immediately..."
"Headcheese to replace the
Federal reserve notes"?
Man, I can't stand headcheese!
You know what's in that stuff?
I think it's brains or
Something.
"Headcheese standard now
Effective."
Oh!
Well, here it comes.
Oh, no!
Well, here it comes.
Oh, no!
I'm sorry, man.
Oh, no!
I'm sorry, man.
Don't get down on me.
I'm sorry, man.
Don't get down on me.
This is the government.
Don't get down on me.
This is the government.
It's not my fault.
This is the government.
It's not my fault.
This is the economy.
It's not my fault.
This is the economy.
Sorry.
This is the economy.
Sorry.
You asked me.
Sorry.
You asked me.
$400, Man. $400.
[Bells ring]
shelly, this is it?
Oh, isn't it lovely?
Shelly, this is it?
Oh, isn't it lovely?
Doesn't look very busy.
Oh, isn't it lovely?
Doesn't look very busy.
Well, I know, I know, but
Doesn't look very busy.
Well, I know, I know, but
maybe people are... It's not
Well, I know, I know, but
maybe people are... It's not
closed, is it?
Maybe people are... It's not
closed, is it?
Maybe we ought to just sit
Closed, is it?
Maybe we ought to just sit
down, yeah.
Maybe we ought to just sit
down, yeah.
It doesn't look like anyone's
Down, yeah.
It doesn't look like anyone's
here.
It doesn't look like anyone's
here.
Look... Chopsticks.
Here.
Look... Chopsticks.
Chopsticks.
Look... Chopsticks.
Chopsticks.
Welcome to the natural causes
Chopsticks.
Welcome to the natural causes
restaurant.
Welcome to the natural causes
restaurant.
I'm jason, and this is my old
Restaurant.
I'm jason, and this is my old
lady, sunset.
I'm jason, and this is my old
lady, sunset.
She's really far out.
Lady, sunset.
She's really far out.
Welcome to our space.
She's really far out.
Welcome to our space.
It is no accident that you have
Welcome to our space.
It is no accident that you have
stumbled upon our door.
It is no accident that you have
stumbled upon our door.
[Chuckles]
Stumbled upon our door.
[Chuckles]
hi, we're shelly and
[Chuckles]
hi, we're shelly and
elaine melcher.
Hi, we're shelly and
elaine melcher.
We read about the natural cause
Elaine melcher.
We read about the natural cause
restaurant in new west
We read about the natural cause
restaurant in new west
magazine... You know, that
Restaurant in new west
magazine... You know, that
article, "beyond vegetarianism."
Magazine... You know, that
article, "beyond vegetarianism."
That was a far-our article.
Article, "beyond vegetarianism."
That was a far-our article.
It's really brought us a lot of
That was a far-our article.
It's really brought us a lot of
business.
It's really brought us a lot of
business.
That was really a good thing.
Business.
That was really a good thing.
Is it okay that we sit here?
That was really a good thing.
Is it okay that we sit here?
Uh, what are your signs?
Is it okay that we sit here?
Uh, what are your signs?
Oh, gemini and pisces.
Uh, what are your signs?
Oh, gemini and pisces.
You're at the right table.
Oh, gemini and pisces.
You're at the right table.
That's perfect, perfect for your
You're at the right table.
That's perfect, perfect for your
energy.
That's perfect, perfect for your
energy.
Okay, gemini, pisces.
Energy.
Okay, gemini, pisces.
No, no, it's the other way
Okay, gemini, pisces.
No, no, it's the other way
around.
No, no, it's the other way
around.
Oh, I knew it!
Around.
Oh, I knew it!
Oh, wow!
Oh, I knew it!
Oh, wow!
Far out.
Oh, wow!
Far out.
Like, here at the natural
Far out.
Like, here at the natural
causes restaurant, we are
Like, here at the natural
causes restaurant, we are
really, like, beyond
Causes restaurant, we are
really, like, beyond
vegetarianism.
Really, like, beyond
vegetarianism.
Like, we serve meat, but we
Vegetarianism.
Like, we serve meat, but we
don't believe in k*lling.
Like, we serve meat, but we
don't believe in k*lling.
Dig it.
Don't believe in k*lling.
Dig it.
You see, we feel that, like,
Dig it.
You see, we feel that, like,
slaughtered animals are full of
You see, we feel that, like,
slaughtered animals are full of
fear, you know?
Slaughtered animals are full of
fear, you know?
And eating fear produces bad
Fear, you know?
And eating fear produces bad
karma, you know?
And eating fear produces bad
karma, you know?
So, like, we serve animals that
Karma, you know?
So, like, we serve animals that
have only died from natural
So, like, we serve animals that
have only died from natural
causes.
Have only died from natural
causes.
Here are your menus.
Causes.
Here are your menus.
Well, this menu doesn't
Here are your menus.
Well, this menu doesn't
describe what you have in the
Well, this menu doesn't
describe what you have in the
dishes.
Describe what you have in the
dishes.
What's the kohutek special?
Dishes.
What's the kohutek special?
Oh, well, see, it changes all
What's the kohutek special?
Oh, well, see, it changes all
the time, 'cause, like, you
Oh, well, see, it changes all
the time, 'cause, like, you
never know what's gonna die at
The time, 'cause, like, you
never know what's gonna die at
any given moment.
Never know what's gonna die at
any given moment.
Like today the kohutek
Any given moment.
Like today the kohutek
special might be leg of lamb,
Like today the kohutek
special might be leg of lamb,
'cause we have a sheep back in
Special might be leg of lamb,
'cause we have a sheep back in
the kitchen that's dying of
'Cause we have a sheep back in
the kitchen that's dying of
anthrax, you know?
The kitchen that's dying of
anthrax, you know?
Do you want to go and see if
Anthrax, you know?
Do you want to go and see if
it's dead yet, sunset?
Do you want to go and see if
it's dead yet, sunset?
For sure.
It's dead yet, sunset?
For sure.
I don't know if I can go
For sure.
I don't know if I can go
through with this.
I don't know if I can go
through with this.
Shelly!
Through with this.
Shelly!
Ohh, bad news.
Shelly!
Ohh, bad news.
Uh, the sheep's still wheezing.
Ohh, bad news.
Uh, the sheep's still wheezing.
Oh. Well, what's this?
Uh, the sheep's still wheezing.
Oh. Well, what's this?
What's the meher baba?
Oh. Well, what's this?
What's the meher baba?
Okay, the meher baba is,
What's the meher baba?
Okay, the meher baba is,
like, frog's legs on a bed of
Okay, the meher baba is,
like, frog's legs on a bed of
brown rice.
Like, frog's legs on a bed of
brown rice.
Oh, shelly, you love frog's
Brown rice.
Oh, shelly, you love frog's
legs.
Oh, shelly, you love frog's
legs.
Where do you get them from?
Legs.
Where do you get them from?
I pick them up from fairfax
Where do you get them from?
I pick them up from fairfax
high biology lab.
I pick them up from fairfax
high biology lab.
You know, they're just missing
High biology lab.
You know, they're just missing
their mouthparts.
You know, they're just missing
their mouthparts.
I think I'll pass.
Their mouthparts.
I think I'll pass.
What else do you have?
I think I'll pass.
What else do you have?
How about sea gull?
What else do you have?
How about sea gull?
Both: sea gull?
How about sea gull?
Both: sea gull?
Yeah, sea gulls drowned in a
Both: sea gull?
Yeah, sea gulls drowned in a
santa barbara oil slick.
Yeah, sea gulls drowned in a
santa barbara oil slick.
It's completely, you know...
Santa barbara oil slick.
It's completely, you know...
What's the easy winner?
It's completely, you know...
What's the easy winner?
Oh, racehorse struck by
What's the easy winner?
Oh, racehorse struck by
lightning on stone-ground pita
Oh, racehorse struck by
lightning on stone-ground pita
bread with hummus.
Lightning on stone-ground pita
bread with hummus.
Right, and prepared with
Bread with hummus.
Right, and prepared with
love... Lots of love.
Right, and prepared with
love... Lots of love.
Horse. Horse.
Love... Lots of love.
Horse. Horse.
Shelly, do you feel like horse?
Horse. Horse.
Shelly, do you feel like horse?
No, I don't think I can eat a
Shelly, do you feel like horse?
No, I don't think I can eat a
horse.
No, I don't think I can eat a
horse.
Oh, shelly.
Horse.
Oh, shelly.
You see, we're a little new at
Oh, shelly.
You see, we're a little new at
this.
You see, we're a little new at
this.
Maybe you could recommend
This.
Maybe you could recommend
something.
Maybe you could recommend
something.
Well, the fresh cat is very
Something.
Well, the fresh cat is very
nice.
Well, the fresh cat is very
nice.
Fresh cat?
Nice.
Fresh cat?
Yeah, it was just run over an
Fresh cat?
Yeah, it was just run over an
hour and a half ago on highway
Yeah, it was just run over an
hour and a half ago on highway
1.
Hour and a half ago on highway
1.
You mean you use animals that
1.
You mean you use animals that
were k*lled in traffic
You mean you use animals that
were k*lled in traffic
accidents?
Were k*lled in traffic
accidents?
Hey, there are no accidents.
Accidents?
Hey, there are no accidents.
Well, "pasadena" on the cat.
Hey, there are no accidents.
Well, "pasadena" on the cat.
Would you mind checking on that
Well, "pasadena" on the cat.
Would you mind checking on that
sheep again?
Would you mind checking on that
sheep again?
Sure.
Sheep again?
Sure.
Like, we garnish it with
Sure.
Like, we garnish it with
insects that I scrape off the
Like, we garnish it with
insects that I scrape off the
windshield of my van, you know?
Insects that I scrape off the
windshield of my van, you know?
Oh, wow.
Windshield of my van, you know?
Oh, wow.
Bad news again.
Oh, wow.
Bad news again.
The sheep seems to have perked
Bad news again.
The sheep seems to have perked
up.
The sheep seems to have perked
up.
Oh, well, that's a drag.
Up.
Oh, well, that's a drag.
Well, what'll it be... Frog, sea
Oh, well, that's a drag.
Well, what'll it be... Frog, sea
gull, horse, or cat?
Well, what'll it be... Frog, sea
gull, horse, or cat?
Well, what is this om
Gull, horse, or cat?
Well, what is this om
surprise?
Well, what is this om
surprise?
Oh, the om surprise.
Surprise?
Oh, the om surprise.
Well, that's just steak, man,
Oh, the om surprise.
Well, that's just steak, man,
you know?
Well, that's just steak, man,
you know?
Steak? What happened?
You know?
Steak? What happened?
Did the cow have a heart attack?
Steak? What happened?
Did the cow have a heart attack?
No, man.
Did the cow have a heart attack?
No, man.
What happened was one day I was
No, man.
What happened was one day I was
standing outside of the
What happened was one day I was
standing outside of the
restaurant, okay?
Standing outside of the
restaurant, okay?
And, like, this cow dropped out
Restaurant, okay?
And, like, this cow dropped out
of the sky, you know?
And, like, this cow dropped out
of the sky, you know?
And later I found out it was
Of the sky, you know?
And later I found out it was
this flying mexican meat
And later I found out it was
this flying mexican meat
smuggler's airplane, you know?
This flying mexican meat
smuggler's airplane, you know?
He was being chased by the u.s.
Smuggler's airplane, you know?
He was being chased by the u.s.
Border patrol.
He was being chased by the u.s.
Border patrol.
He got caught on radar, and he
Border patrol.
He got caught on radar, and he
had to jettison his cattle.
He got caught on radar, and he
had to jettison his cattle.
Are you trying to tell me
Had to jettison his cattle.
Are you trying to tell me
that you have steak on the menu
Are you trying to tell me
that you have steak on the menu
because some flying mexican meat
That you have steak on the menu
because some flying mexican meat
smuggler who was being chased by
Because some flying mexican meat
smuggler who was being chased by
american feds dropped a cow over
Smuggler who was being chased by
american feds dropped a cow over
your restaurant accidentally?
American feds dropped a cow over
your restaurant accidentally?
There are no accidents.
Your restaurant accidentally?
There are no accidents.
Really.
There are no accidents.
Really.
[Plane approaching]
So, man, how would you like your
steak... Rare, medium, or
well-done?
Ladies and gentlemen, my son
jason's aunt... Rozzie kind.
[Cheers and applause]
Jason's aunt... Rozzie kind.
[Cheers and applause]
["I'm not anyone" playing]
[Cheers and applause]
["I'm not anyone" playing]
♪ I'm not anyone ♪
["I'm not anyone" playing]
♪ I'm not anyone ♪
♪ no, not just anyone ♪
♪ I'm not anyone ♪
♪ no, not just anyone ♪
♪ I have the right to lead a
♪ No, not just anyone ♪
♪ I have the right to lead a
life fulfilled ♪
♪ I have the right to lead a
life fulfilled ♪
♪ every need ♪
Life fulfilled ♪
♪ every need ♪
♪ I'm not any girl designed to
♪ Every need ♪
♪ I'm not any girl designed to
fit someone's plan ♪
♪ I'm not any girl designed to
fit someone's plan ♪
♪ I have my own desires of the
Fit someone's plan ♪
♪ I have my own desires of the
things a girl aspires ♪
♪ I have my own desires of the
things a girl aspires ♪
♪ no, I'll not be used ♪
Things a girl aspires ♪
♪ no, I'll not be used ♪
♪ misled, deceived, or abused ♪
♪ No, I'll not be used ♪
♪ misled, deceived, or abused ♪
♪ no, sir, not me ♪
♪ Misled, deceived, or abused ♪
♪ no, sir, not me ♪
♪ I am free ♪
♪ No, sir, not me ♪
♪ I am free ♪
♪ and I'll not give away ♪
♪ I am free ♪
♪ and I'll not give away ♪
♪ the freedom I have is to say ♪
♪ And I'll not give away ♪
♪ the freedom I have is to say ♪
♪ to say I do, I don't ♪
♪ The freedom I have is to say ♪
♪ to say I do, I don't ♪
♪ I will or I won't ♪
♪ To say I do, I don't ♪
♪ I will or I won't ♪
♪ "know thyself" ♪
♪ I will or I won't ♪
♪ "know thyself" ♪
♪ these words are true ♪
♪ "Know thyself" ♪
♪ these words are true ♪
♪ know thyself ♪
♪ These words are true ♪
♪ know thyself ♪
♪ I hope I do ♪
♪ Know thyself ♪
♪ I hope I do ♪
♪ toiled awhile, but not in
♪ I hope I do ♪
♪ toiled awhile, but not in
vain ♪
♪ Toiled awhile, but not in
vain ♪
♪ I remove the child ♪
Vain ♪
♪ I remove the child ♪
♪ the woman remained ♪
♪ I remove the child ♪
♪ the woman remained ♪
♪ life's filled with those who
♪ The woman remained ♪
♪ life's filled with those who
fail ♪
♪ Life's filled with those who
fail ♪
♪ the weak, the strong ♪
Fail ♪
♪ the weak, the strong ♪
♪ the meek, the frail ♪
♪ The weak, the strong ♪
♪ the meek, the frail ♪
♪ those who just refuse to try ♪
♪ The meek, the frail ♪
♪ those who just refuse to try ♪
♪ those who just live to die ♪
♪ Those who just refuse to try ♪
♪ those who just live to die ♪
♪ I'm not ♪
♪ Those who just live to die ♪
♪ I'm not ♪
♪ I'm not one of those ♪
♪ I'm not ♪
♪ I'm not one of those ♪
♪ I'm full of pride I suppose ♪
♪ I'm not one of those ♪
♪ I'm full of pride I suppose ♪
♪ I'll say it loud ♪
♪ I'm full of pride I suppose ♪
♪ I'll say it loud ♪
♪ I am proud ♪
♪ I'll say it loud ♪
♪ I am proud ♪
♪ and I'll not ♪
♪ I am proud ♪
♪ and I'll not ♪
♪ I'll not be a space ♪
♪ And I'll not ♪
♪ I'll not be a space ♪
♪ a cold one, a number, or
♪ I'll not be a space ♪
♪ a cold one, a number, or
face ♪
♪ A cold one, a number, or
face ♪
♪ no, sir, not me ♪
Face ♪
♪ no, sir, not me ♪
♪ I am free ♪
♪ No, sir, not me ♪
♪ I am free ♪
♪ I'll lay my life ♪
♪ I am free ♪
♪ I'll lay my life ♪
♪ on the line ♪
♪ I'll lay my life ♪
♪ on the line ♪
♪ this freedom I've got is all
♪ On the line ♪
♪ this freedom I've got is all
mine ♪
♪ This freedom I've got is all
mine ♪
♪ no, sir, not me ♪
Mine ♪
♪ no, sir, not me ♪
♪ can't you hear it? ♪
♪ No, sir, not me ♪
♪ can't you hear it? ♪
♪ I'm free ♪
♪ Can't you hear it? ♪
♪ I'm free ♪
♪ free ♪
♪ I'm free ♪
♪ free ♪
♪ free ♪
♪ Free ♪
♪ free ♪
[cheers and applause]
Well, rozzie, now here's this
week's home movie.
[Cheers and applause]
Week's home movie.
[Cheers and applause]
[soft piano music playing]
[Music continues]
[Music continues]
[Cheers and applause]
announcer: if you have a
super 8 or a 16mm home movie
Announcer: if you have a
super 8 or a 16mm home movie
approximately two minutes in
Super 8 or a 16mm home movie
approximately two minutes in
length, send it to...
And include a stamped,
self-addressed envelope.
They'll be no money at all.
Self-addressed envelope.
They'll be no money at all.
We'll be back after this filmed
They'll be no money at all.
We'll be back after this filmed
message.
So long, ma.
No time right now.
[Laughs]
No time right now.
[Laughs]
hi, I'm chevy chase, and if
[Laughs]
hi, I'm chevy chase, and if
you're skipping meals because
Hi, I'm chevy chase, and if
you're skipping meals because
you just can't find the time to
You're skipping meals because
you just can't find the time to
eat them, why not try a pilson's
You just can't find the time to
eat them, why not try a pilson's
feed bag dinner?
Eat them, why not try a pilson's
feed bag dinner?
You know, each pilson's feed bag
Feed bag dinner?
You know, each pilson's feed bag
dinner has three scrumptious
You know, each pilson's feed bag
dinner has three scrumptious
courses... Soup, your choice of
Dinner has three scrumptious
courses... Soup, your choice of
six exciting entrées, plus a
Courses... Soup, your choice of
six exciting entrées, plus a
yummy apple brown betty.
Six exciting entrées, plus a
yummy apple brown betty.
And it straps right on to your
Yummy apple brown betty.
And it straps right on to your
face.
And it straps right on to your
face.
I'm 15 minutes late for an
Face.
I'm 15 minutes late for an
important date right now, and I
I'm 15 minutes late for an
important date right now, and I
just haven't got time to eat.
Important date right now, and I
just haven't got time to eat.
Mmm, mmm!
Just haven't got time to eat.
Mmm, mmm!
Tuna... Tastes great already.
Mmm, mmm!
Tuna... Tastes great already.
♪ Eat and run ♪
Tuna... Tastes great already.
♪ Eat and run ♪
♪ eat and run, eat and run ♪
♪ Eat and run ♪
♪ eat and run, eat and run ♪
♪ everyone ♪
♪ Eat and run, eat and run ♪
♪ everyone ♪
♪ everyone, everyone ♪
♪ Everyone ♪
♪ everyone, everyone ♪
♪ feed your face ♪
♪ Everyone, everyone ♪
♪ feed your face ♪
♪ feed your face ♪
♪ Feed your face ♪
♪ feed your face ♪
♪ anyplace ♪
♪ Feed your face ♪
♪ anyplace ♪
♪ anyplace, anyplace ♪
♪ Anyplace ♪
♪ anyplace, anyplace ♪
♪ tie one on anyplace ♪
♪ Anyplace, anyplace ♪
♪ tie one on anyplace ♪
♪ with pilson's feed bag
♪ Tie one on anyplace ♪
♪ with pilson's feed bag
dinners, you've got time to feed
♪ With pilson's feed bag
dinners, you've got time to feed
your face ♪
Dinners, you've got time to feed
your face ♪
hi, honey.
Your face ♪
hi, honey.
So, where are we going to eat?
Hi, honey.
So, where are we going to eat?
[Laughs]
So, where are we going to eat?
[Laughs]
♪ feed bags, from pilson's ♪
[Makes hissing noise]
I'm on?
We got 60 seconds to fill,
I'm on?
We got 60 seconds to fill,
right?
We got 60 seconds to fill,
right?
I know we got "earl the pearl"
Right?
I know we got "earl the pearl"
sitting up there.
I know we got "earl the pearl"
sitting up there.
[Cheers and applause]
Sitting up there.
[Cheers and applause]
he's up there?
[Cheers and applause]
he's up there?
Yeah.
He's up there?
Yeah.
Hey, I'd like to make an
Yeah.
Hey, I'd like to make an
appeal.
Hey, I'd like to make an
appeal.
I need a pair of tanks for a
Appeal.
I need a pair of tanks for a
harley-davidson, a '71
I need a pair of tanks for a
harley-davidson, a '71
electra-glide police special.
Harley-davidson, a '71
electra-glide police special.
I need fat-bob tanks.
Electra-glide police special.
I need fat-bob tanks.
I've only got the 3.2-gallon
I need fat-bob tanks.
I've only got the 3.2-gallon
tanks.
I've only got the 3.2-gallon
tanks.
I need the big tanks.
Tanks.
I need the big tanks.
Please write me a letter if
I need the big tanks.
Please write me a letter if
you've got them.
Please write me a letter if
you've got them.
I'll pay you good money.
You've got them.
I'll pay you good money.
This is for a 1971 electra-glide
I'll pay you good money.
This is for a 1971 electra-glide
harley-davidson police special.
This is for a 1971 electra-glide
harley-davidson police special.
I need the tanks, some fat-bob
Harley-davidson police special.
I need the tanks, some fat-bob
tanks.
I need the tanks, some fat-bob
tanks.
Thank you.
Tanks.
Thank you.
Also, gale sayers...
Thank you.
Also, gale sayers...
Gale sayers... I hope that he
Also, gale sayers...
Gale sayers... I hope that he
gets better, and d*ck butkus,
Gale sayers... I hope that he
gets better, and d*ck butkus,
also... My two idols.
Gets better, and d*ck butkus,
also... My two idols.
That's it.
Also... My two idols.
That's it.
That's all. Say good night.
That's it.
That's all. Say good night.
Gilda, you want to say
That's all. Say good night.
Gilda, you want to say
anything?
Gilda, you want to say
anything?
Nothing.
Anything?
Nothing.
Say good night to
Nothing.
Say good night to
johnny carson, ed mcmahon,
Say good night to
johnny carson, ed mcmahon,
and...
Johnny carson, ed mcmahon,
and...
Doc severinsen.
And...
Doc severinsen.
We don't watch your show, but
Doc severinsen.
We don't watch your show, but
we respect you very much.
We don't watch your show, but
we respect you very much.
Elliott gould is the best hope
We respect you very much.
Elliott gould is the best hope
we ever had.
Elliott gould is the best hope
we ever had.
He's the best host we've ever
We ever had.
He's the best host we've ever
had, honestly.
He's the best host we've ever
had, honestly.
[Cheers and applause]
Announcer: next saturday
Night, our host will be
Eric idle, with musical guests
Neil innes and alan price.
Your announcer is don pardo.
I wonder... Should I leave my
Makeup on till I get home?
Why not?
I look so handsome with makeup!
Goodbye!
02x20 - Elliott Gould/Kate & Anna McGarrigle/Roslyn Kind
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
The show's comedy sketches, which often parody contemporary American culture and politics, are performed by a large and varying cast of repertory and newer cast members.
The show's comedy sketches, which often parody contemporary American culture and politics, are performed by a large and varying cast of repertory and newer cast members.