Hi. I'm gilda radner.
This is the part of the show
where we usually do a short
This is the part of the show
where we usually do a short
scene, and at the end of it,
Where we usually do a short
scene, and at the end of it,
chevy takes a fall and then he
Scene, and at the end of it,
chevy takes a fall and then he
says, "live from new york, it's
Chevy takes a fall and then he
says, "live from new york, it's
saturday night!"
Says, "live from new york, it's
saturday night!"
But I'm afraid I have some bad
Saturday night!"
But I'm afraid I have some bad
news for you.
But I'm afraid I have some bad
news for you.
Right now, chevy's in the
News for you.
Right now, chevy's in the
hospital.
Right now, chevy's in the
hospital.
See, last week, during the
Hospital.
See, last week, during the
ford-carter debate, he fell, and
See, last week, during the
ford-carter debate, he fell, and
he hurt himself, making america
Ford-carter debate, he fell, and
he hurt himself, making america
laugh.
He hurt himself, making america
laugh.
And I guess even though he won't
Laugh.
And I guess even though he won't
be here tonight, the show has to
And I guess even though he won't
be here tonight, the show has to
go on.
Be here tonight, the show has to
go on.
I mean, he'd want it that way.
Go on.
I mean, he'd want it that way.
So, I'm just gonna go ahead and
I mean, he'd want it that way.
So, I'm just gonna go ahead and
do the scene that chevy and I
So, I'm just gonna go ahead and
do the scene that chevy and I
rehearsed and start the show,
Do the scene that chevy and I
rehearsed and start the show,
okay?
Rehearsed and start the show,
okay?
Chevy! That light burnt out
Okay?
Chevy! That light burnt out
again.
Chevy! That light burnt out
again.
Can you come and fix it?
Again.
Can you come and fix it?
Oh, never mind. I'll do it.
Can you come and fix it?
Oh, never mind. I'll do it.
[Telephone ringing]
Hello?
[Coughing]
gilda?
Chevy!
[Applause]
Chevy, how are you?
I'm okay.
Can you hear me okay?
I'm okay.
Can you hear me okay?
Yeah, I can hear you.
Can you hear me okay?
Yeah, I can hear you.
I was watching, you know,
Yeah, I can hear you.
I was watching, you know,
"the donald o'connor story" on
I was watching, you know,
"the donald o'connor story" on
channel 2, and I flipped the
"The donald o'connor story" on
channel 2, and I flipped the
channel changer, and I saw that
Channel 2, and I flipped the
channel changer, and I saw that
the show was starting.
Channel changer, and I saw that
the show was starting.
Yeah.
The show was starting.
Yeah.
I'm a little groggy here, but
Yeah.
I'm a little groggy here, but
I thought maybe you were gonna
I'm a little groggy here, but
I thought maybe you were gonna
do a fall or something.
I thought maybe you were gonna
do a fall or something.
I just wanted to make sure you
Do a fall or something.
I just wanted to make sure you
didn't do that, 'cause I don't
I just wanted to make sure you
didn't do that, 'cause I don't
think you should do that.
Didn't do that, 'cause I don't
think you should do that.
Oh, no, but, chevy, I want to
Think you should do that.
Oh, no, but, chevy, I want to
do it.
Oh, no, but, chevy, I want to
do it.
Gilda, I don't want to get in
Do it.
Gilda, I don't want to get in
the way, but I don't want you to
Gilda, I don't want to get in
the way, but I don't want you to
do the fall.
The way, but I don't want you to
do the fall.
It's too dangerous and, I mean,
Do the fall.
It's too dangerous and, I mean,
you can tell from what happened
It's too dangerous and, I mean,
you can tell from what happened
to me, so...
You can tell from what happened
to me, so...
Yeah, no, but, chevy, nobody
To me, so...
Yeah, no, but, chevy, nobody
could think of anything else to
Yeah, no, but, chevy, nobody
could think of anything else to
do to open the show.
Could think of anything else to
do to open the show.
Can't you sing or dance or do
Do to open the show.
Can't you sing or dance or do
some kind of song or anything?
Can't you sing or dance or do
some kind of song or anything?
Chevy, chevy, look, it's not
Some kind of song or anything?
Chevy, chevy, look, it's not
dangerous, and I'm gonna do it.
Chevy, chevy, look, it's not
dangerous, and I'm gonna do it.
Don't you worry about it, okay?
Dangerous, and I'm gonna do it.
Don't you worry about it, okay?
You just rest.
Don't you worry about it, okay?
You just rest.
Gilda...
You just rest.
Gilda...
Bye bye, chevy.
Gilda...
Bye bye, chevy.
Oh, chevy, look... That light
Bye bye, chevy.
Oh, chevy, look... That light
burnt out again.
Oh, chevy, look... That light
burnt out again.
Um, I'll go fix it myself.
[Telephone ringing]
Hello?
[Coughing] uh, gilda?
Who... Who is it?
Listen, this is chevy again.
Listen, honey, listen to me
Closely.
Yeah, yeah.
First of all, no one's gonna
believe that light-bulb thing.
First of all, no one's gonna
believe that light-bulb thing.
And, second of all, I have a
Believe that light-bulb thing.
And, second of all, I have a
great idea, and this is gonna
And, second of all, I have a
great idea, and this is gonna
kind of save us both here, so
Great idea, and this is gonna
kind of save us both here, so
are you listening closely?
Kind of save us both here, so
are you listening closely?
Yeah.
Are you listening closely?
Yeah.
I want you to sit down.
Yeah.
I want you to sit down.
Are you sitting down?
I want you to sit down.
Are you sitting down?
Yeah, I'm sitting down.
Are you sitting down?
Yeah, I'm sitting down.
I can see you now.
Yeah, I'm sitting down.
I can see you now.
You look lovely.
I can see you now.
You look lovely.
Thank you.
You look lovely.
Thank you.
Take the phone away from your
Thank you.
Take the phone away from your
ear, and just put it... Put the
Take the phone away from your
ear, and just put it... Put the
receiver on the desk, but stand
Ear, and just put it... Put the
receiver on the desk, but stand
it upright, you know, like on
Receiver on the desk, but stand
it upright, you know, like on
its wire.
It upright, you know, like on
its wire.
Oh.
Its wire.
Oh.
Like this?
Oh.
Like this?
Yeah, can you hear me through
Like this?
Yeah, can you hear me through
the earpiece?
Yeah, can you hear me through
the earpiece?
Yeah, I can hear you.
The earpiece?
Yeah, I can hear you.
Okay.
Yeah, I can hear you.
Okay.
See the sign in front of you?
Okay.
See the sign in front of you?
Yeah?
See the sign in front of you?
Yeah?
Your nameplate?
Yeah?
Your nameplate?
Take it out of the way so
Your nameplate?
Take it out of the way so
everybody can see.
Take it out of the way so
everybody can see.
Okay, now, what I want you to do
Everybody can see.
Okay, now, what I want you to do
is, like, walk the phone along
Okay, now, what I want you to do
is, like, walk the phone along
the edge of the table, across
Is, like, walk the phone along
the edge of the table, across
the table there, okay?
The edge of the table, across
the table there, okay?
Like a muppet.
The table there, okay?
Like a muppet.
Like a muppet?
Like a muppet.
Like a muppet?
Yeah, just start walking.
Like a muppet?
Yeah, just start walking.
♪ Hi-ho, hi-ho ♪
Yeah, just start walking.
♪ Hi-ho, hi-ho ♪
♪ it's off to work I go ♪
♪ Hi-ho, hi-ho ♪
♪ it's off to work I go ♪
hey, gilda?
♪ It's off to work I go ♪
hey, gilda?
Gilda, can you hear me?
Hey, gilda?
Gilda, can you hear me?
Yes.
Gilda, can you hear me?
Yes.
At the edge of the desk,
Yes.
At the edge of the desk,
just put your hand out and trip
At the edge of the desk,
just put your hand out and trip
it, okay?
Just put your hand out and trip
it, okay?
Okay, I've got you.
It, okay?
Okay, I've got you.
♪ Dum de dum-dum ♪
Okay, I've got you.
♪ Dum de dum-dum ♪
live, from new york, it's
♪ Dum de dum-dum ♪
live, from new york, it's
"saturday night"!
Live, from new york, it's
"saturday night"!
[Band plays]
Announcer: ladies and
gentlemen, norman lear.
[Cheers and applause]
Thank you very much.
[Laughs]
thank you.
[Laughs]
thank you.
Thank you all.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
I heard that new york audiences
Thank you all.
I heard that new york audiences
were warm, but this is hot.
I heard that new york audiences
were warm, but this is hot.
I can't begin to tell you what a
Were warm, but this is hot.
I can't begin to tell you what a
week this has been.
I can't begin to tell you what a
week this has been.
I began in live television.
Week this has been.
I began in live television.
Actually, it was half of my life
I began in live television.
Actually, it was half of my life
ago that I began in live
Actually, it was half of my life
ago that I began in live
television.
Ago that I began in live
television.
But I'm back after all of those
Television.
But I'm back after all of those
years.
But I'm back after all of those
years.
And it's impossible to tell you
Years.
And it's impossible to tell you
how incredible this week has
And it's impossible to tell you
how incredible this week has
been.
How incredible this week has
been.
But then again, why should it be
Been.
But then again, why should it be
impossible to tell you?
But then again, why should it be
impossible to tell you?
I ought to be able to do that,
Impossible to tell you?
I ought to be able to do that,
so I'm going to try.
I ought to be able to do that,
so I'm going to try.
[No audio]
[Laughter]
[Applause]
When I was first asked to host
"saturday night," they [laughs]
they called me in california to
"Saturday night," they [laughs]
they called me in california to
tell me how I happen to be... To
They called me in california to
tell me how I happen to be... To
ask me how I happen to be able
Tell me how I happen to be... To
ask me how I happen to be able
to produce "all in the family,"
Ask me how I happen to be able
to produce "all in the family,"
"maude," "sanford and son,"
To produce "all in the family,"
"maude," "sanford and son,"
"good times,"
"Maude," "sanford and son,"
"good times,"
"one day at a time,"
"Good times,"
"one day at a time,"
"the jeffersons,"
"One day at a time,"
"the jeffersons,"
"the nancy walker show,"
"The jeffersons,"
"the nancy walker show,"
"all's fair," "mary hartman,
"The nancy walker show,"
"all's fair," "mary hartman,
mary hartman," and of course...
"All's fair," "mary hartman,
mary hartman," and of course...
You can do that.
Mary hartman," and of course...
You can do that.
[Applause]
You can do that.
[Applause]
I won't accept... I won't accept
[Applause]
I won't accept... I won't accept
that for myself, but for the
I won't accept... I won't accept
that for myself, but for the
vast family of writers,
That for myself, but for the
vast family of writers,
producers, directors, everybody
Vast family of writers,
producers, directors, everybody
that contributes to the making
Producers, directors, everybody
that contributes to the making
of all those shows.
That contributes to the making
of all those shows.
But a lot of people do help, but
Of all those shows.
But a lot of people do help, but
you see, the question that all
But a lot of people do help, but
you see, the question that all
of the people who work on this
You see, the question that all
of the people who work on this
show, the actors in particular,
Of the people who work on this
show, the actors in particular,
wanted to ask me about...
Show, the actors in particular,
wanted to ask me about...
They've heard about the various
Wanted to ask me about...
They've heard about the various
tiffs.
They've heard about the various
tiffs.
You know, the press has printed
Tiffs.
You know, the press has printed
so much about the various tiffs
You know, the press has printed
so much about the various tiffs
and arguments that go on among
So much about the various tiffs
and arguments that go on among
hardworking professionals in our
And arguments that go on among
hardworking professionals in our
field.
Hardworking professionals in our
field.
And, of course, we have had our
Field.
And, of course, we have had our
differences.
And, of course, we have had our
differences.
But the actors on this show
Differences.
But the actors on this show
really wanted to know how I got
But the actors on this show
really wanted to know how I got
along with the actors on the
Really wanted to know how I got
along with the actors on the
shows with which I'm involved,
Along with the actors on the
shows with which I'm involved,
so I decided to do my own piece
Shows with which I'm involved,
so I decided to do my own piece
of investigative journalism.
So I decided to do my own piece
of investigative journalism.
And I went directly to all of
Of investigative journalism.
And I went directly to all of
those actors that I work with,
And I went directly to all of
those actors that I work with,
and I asked them what do they
Those actors that I work with,
and I asked them what do they
really think about me.
And I asked them what do they
really think about me.
Working with you is a joy,
Really think about me.
Working with you is a joy,
and it's perfectly totally
Working with you is a joy,
and it's perfectly totally
harmonious, and if we have any
And it's perfectly totally
harmonious, and if we have any
disagreement, we always find a
Harmonious, and if we have any
disagreement, we always find a
compromise, and it's just
Disagreement, we always find a
compromise, and it's just
wonderful.
Compromise, and it's just
wonderful.
I don't want to prod you, but
Wonderful.
I don't want to prod you, but
in terms of talent.
I don't want to prod you, but
in terms of talent.
Talent?
In terms of talent.
Talent?
You mean mine?
Talent?
You mean mine?
No, I was...
You mean mine?
No, I was...
Oh, yours.
No, I was...
Oh, yours.
Because they were asking
Oh, yours.
Because they were asking
about me.
Because they were asking
about me.
Oh, of course.
About me.
Oh, of course.
I think you're the most talented
Oh, of course.
I think you're the most talented
producer, writer, and not only
I think you're the most talented
producer, writer, and not only
that, you have the gift to
Producer, writer, and not only
that, you have the gift to
direct, too.
That, you have the gift to
direct, too.
I-i can't thank you enough.
Direct, too.
I-i can't thank you enough.
Norman, you're welcome.
I-i can't thank you enough.
Norman, you're welcome.
And... And it was so kind of
Norman, you're welcome.
And... And it was so kind of
you to talk to me tonight.
And... And it was so kind of
you to talk to me tonight.
Thank you.
You to talk to me tonight.
Thank you.
That was my very dear friend
Thank you.
That was my very dear friend
jean stapleton answering the
That was my very dear friend
jean stapleton answering the
question posed for me...
Jean stapleton answering the
question posed for me...
How do people work and feel
Question posed for me...
How do people work and feel
about working with me.
How do people work and feel
about working with me.
The many testimonials that
About working with me.
The many testimonials that
you've had up to now, has
The many testimonials that
you've had up to now, has
anybody ever used the word
You've had up to now, has
anybody ever used the word
"genius"?
Anybody ever used the word
"genius"?
Well...
"Genius"?
Well...
Norman, you're a genius.
Well...
Norman, you're a genius.
You don't have to elongate this.
Norman, you're a genius.
You don't have to elongate this.
You are a genius.
You don't have to elongate this.
You are a genius.
And everybody around you says
You are a genius.
And everybody around you says
so.
And everybody around you says
so.
Has anybody used in connection
So.
Has anybody used in connection
with yourself the word "taste"?
Has anybody used in connection
with yourself the word "taste"?
Well... Frankly, I have...
With yourself the word "taste"?
Well... Frankly, I have...
Let me be the first, then.
Well... Frankly, I have...
Let me be the first, then.
What about "humility," because
Let me be the first, then.
What about "humility," because
you know all the producers that
What about "humility," because
you know all the producers that
I've ever worked with are
You know all the producers that
I've ever worked with are
constantly getting their names
I've ever worked with are
constantly getting their names
and faces plastered in the
Constantly getting their names
and faces plastered in the
public prints.
And faces plastered in the
public prints.
And here's a man who, for a
Public prints.
And here's a man who, for a
change, a pleasant change, stays
And here's a man who, for a
change, a pleasant change, stays
constantly in the background.
Change, a pleasant change, stays
constantly in the background.
I-i can't tell you... I can't
Constantly in the background.
I-i can't tell you... I can't
tell you how much I thank you
I-i can't tell you... I can't
tell you how much I thank you
for those words.
Tell you how much I thank you
for those words.
Ladies and gentlemen, my very
For those words.
Ladies and gentlemen, my very
dear friend and co-worker
Ladies and gentlemen, my very
dear friend and co-worker
carroll o'connor.
Dear friend and co-worker
carroll o'connor.
Norman, I understand that
Carroll o'connor.
Norman, I understand that
"saturday night live"...
Norman, I understand that
"saturday night live"...
Incidentally, I feel that we can
"Saturday night live"...
Incidentally, I feel that we can
call you norman, although we are
Incidentally, I feel that we can
call you norman, although we are
the newest members of the
Call you norman, although we are
the newest members of the
norman lear family.
The newest members of the
norman lear family.
Thank you.
Norman lear family.
Thank you.
I understand that they would
Thank you.
I understand that they would
like us to... To kind of express
I understand that they would
like us to... To kind of express
what we feel about you as a
Like us to... To kind of express
what we feel about you as a
person, as a human being.
What we feel about you as a
person, as a human being.
Yes, and just let me
Person, as a human being.
Yes, and just let me
interrupt to say that I've
Yes, and just let me
interrupt to say that I've
talked to a number of the others
Interrupt to say that I've
talked to a number of the others
in the companies, you know, a
Talked to a number of the others
in the companies, you know, a
number of the other actors and
In the companies, you know, a
number of the other actors and
so forth, and everybody's been
Number of the other actors and
so forth, and everybody's been
just so kind, and, frankly, uh,
So forth, and everybody's been
just so kind, and, frankly, uh,
extremely complimentary.
Just so kind, and, frankly, uh,
extremely complimentary.
I want to openly invite your
Extremely complimentary.
I want to openly invite your
criticism.
I want to openly invite your
criticism.
Criticism?
Criticism.
Criticism?
Frankly, I honestly can't
Criticism?
Frankly, I honestly can't
think.
Frankly, I honestly can't
think.
In the commune here, we have a
Think.
In the commune here, we have a
saying.
In the commune here, we have a
saying.
I mean, it's saint norman.
Saying.
I mean, it's saint norman.
I mean, I don't know if that was
I mean, it's saint norman.
I mean, I don't know if that was
said that to your face.
I mean, I don't know if that was
said that to your face.
Richard, there's no way I can
Said that to your face.
Richard, there's no way I can
convey my appreciation for those
Richard, there's no way I can
convey my appreciation for those
words.
Convey my appreciation for those
words.
Every time I look at those
Words.
Every time I look at those
eyes, I just want to cry.
Every time I look at those
eyes, I just want to cry.
The most beautiful eyes... Warm
Eyes, I just want to cry.
The most beautiful eyes... Warm
and kindness.
The most beautiful eyes... Warm
and kindness.
We just love you so much.
And kindness.
We just love you so much.
Thank you, bernadette.
We just love you so much.
Thank you, bernadette.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, bernadette.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, richard.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, richard.
Continued... Continued good
Thank you, richard.
Continued... Continued good
luck, norman.
Continued... Continued good
luck, norman.
Thank you very much.
Luck, norman.
Thank you very much.
My dearest friends, newest
Thank you very much.
My dearest friends, newest
friends richard crenna and
My dearest friends, newest
friends richard crenna and
bernadette peters speaking to
Friends richard crenna and
bernadette peters speaking to
you about how they feel about
Bernadette peters speaking to
you about how they feel about
working me.
You about how they feel about
working me.
I just... I don't know.
Working me.
I just... I don't know.
One of the kindest, gentlest
I just... I don't know.
One of the kindest, gentlest
people I know.
One of the kindest, gentlest
people I know.
Thank you.
People I know.
Thank you.
Thank you, nancy.
Thank you.
Thank you, nancy.
My pleasure to know you.
Thank you, nancy.
My pleasure to know you.
That was nancy walking ta...
My pleasure to know you.
That was nancy walking ta...
Nancy walker talking frankly and
That was nancy walking ta...
Nancy walker talking frankly and
sincerely about how she feels
Nancy walker talking frankly and
sincerely about how she feels
about working with me.
Sincerely about how she feels
about working with me.
I'm... I'm certainly grateful
About working with me.
I'm... I'm certainly grateful
for it... To her for say those
I'm... I'm certainly grateful
for it... To her for say those
things.
For it... To her for say those
things.
For one thing, I want to give
Things.
For one thing, I want to give
you all the praise in the world
For one thing, I want to give
you all the praise in the world
for such a beautiful show,
You all the praise in the world
for such a beautiful show,
"the jeffersons"... The way
For such a beautiful show,
"the jeffersons"... The way
the jeffersons are... And how
"The jeffersons"... The way
the jeffersons are... And how
you treat us all the same, all
The jeffersons are... And how
you treat us all the same, all
of us.
You treat us all the same, all
of us.
Then you'd say, isabel and
Of us.
Then you'd say, isabel and
sherman, that there is no race
Then you'd say, isabel and
sherman, that there is no race
line in t.a.t. In tandem.
Sherman, that there is no race
line in t.a.t. In tandem.
Of course not.
Line in t.a.t. In tandem.
Of course not.
I've never even toyed with the
Of course not.
I've never even toyed with the
idea.
I've never even toyed with the
idea.
Well, that... That is so
Idea.
Well, that... That is so
comforting to hear, especially
Well, that... That is so
comforting to hear, especially
pleasant to hear in the light of
Comforting to hear, especially
pleasant to hear in the light of
this journalistic investigation
Pleasant to hear in the light of
this journalistic investigation
on behalf of nbc
This journalistic investigation
on behalf of nbc
"saturday night."
On behalf of nbc
"saturday night."
Thank you so much.
"Saturday night."
Thank you so much.
I've been talking to my good
Thank you so much.
I've been talking to my good
friends isabel sanford and
I've been talking to my good
friends isabel sanford and
sherman hemsley.
Friends isabel sanford and
sherman hemsley.
We have been addressing this,
Sherman hemsley.
We have been addressing this,
particularly in nature of the
We have been addressing this,
particularly in nature of the
relationships, the blacks on
Particularly in nature of the
relationships, the blacks on
this television show.
Relationships, the blacks on
this television show.
Tell me, norman, has anybody
This television show.
Tell me, norman, has anybody
mentioned the incredible
Tell me, norman, has anybody
mentioned the incredible
humility and modesty that you
Mentioned the incredible
humility and modesty that you
possess?
Humility and modesty that you
possess?
Frankly, beatrice, yes, it
Possess?
Frankly, beatrice, yes, it
has been mentioned somewhat.
Frankly, beatrice, yes, it
has been mentioned somewhat.
I mean, has anybody discussed
Has been mentioned somewhat.
I mean, has anybody discussed
the way you can... What can I
I mean, has anybody discussed
the way you can... What can I
call it... Grace under fire?
The way you can... What can I
call it... Grace under fire?
Well, no, that hasn't come
Call it... Grace under fire?
Well, no, that hasn't come
up.
Well, no, that hasn't come
up.
I do recall something like that
Up.
I do recall something like that
having been said about
I do recall something like that
having been said about
jack kennedy, but, no, not about
Having been said about
jack kennedy, but, no, not about
me.
Jack kennedy, but, no, not about
me.
You are perfect.
Me.
You are perfect.
I mean, you are... You are a
You are perfect.
I mean, you are... You are a
husband, a father, a-a...
I mean, you are... You are a
husband, a father, a-a...
You are, to me, everything.
Husband, a father, a-a...
You are, to me, everything.
Beatrice arthur, I bless you
You are, to me, everything.
Beatrice arthur, I bless you
for those words.
Beatrice arthur, I bless you
for those words.
And I know how much they come
For those words.
And I know how much they come
from a full heart, and I thank
And I know how much they come
from a full heart, and I thank
you so much.
From a full heart, and I thank
you so much.
That was... That my dear friend
You so much.
That was... That my dear friend
beatrice arthur.
That was... That my dear friend
beatrice arthur.
I must say, in conclusion, that
Beatrice arthur.
I must say, in conclusion, that
I've always, always considered
I must say, in conclusion, that
I've always, always considered
myself a modest and unassuming
I've always, always considered
myself a modest and unassuming
man.
Myself a modest and unassuming
man.
And to have all of that affirmed
Man.
And to have all of that affirmed
in this incredible way by all
And to have all of that affirmed
in this incredible way by all
of the wonderful people that
In this incredible way by all
of the wonderful people that
I've taught...
Of the wonderful people that
I've taught...
It is so very assuring and so
I've taught...
It is so very assuring and so
very... So very heartwarming.
It is so very assuring and so
very... So very heartwarming.
I'm happy to have had the
Very... So very heartwarming.
I'm happy to have had the
opportunity to share this with
I'm happy to have had the
opportunity to share this with
all of you.
Opportunity to share this with
all of you.
Thank you.
All of you.
Thank you.
[Applause]
Thank you, and we'll be right
back after this paid political
announcement.
Back after this paid political
announcement.
[Applause]
Hi there, everybody.
It's good to see your faces.
I want to talk to you tonight
It's good to see your faces.
I want to talk to you tonight
about a time-honored democratic
I want to talk to you tonight
about a time-honored democratic
tradition... Sexual performance
About a time-honored democratic
tradition... Sexual performance
in the white house.
Tradition... Sexual performance
in the white house.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna
In the white house.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna
personally try to be a lusty,
I'm gonna... I'm gonna
personally try to be a lusty,
zesty kind of president, and
Personally try to be a lusty,
zesty kind of president, and
follow the... Hi, baby.
Zesty kind of president, and
follow the... Hi, baby.
How are you?
Follow the... Hi, baby.
How are you?
And follow the lusty example
How are you?
And follow the lusty example
of lbj, jfk, and fdr.
And follow the lusty example
of lbj, jfk, and fdr.
I want you to remember for a
Of lbj, jfk, and fdr.
I want you to remember for a
moment about the love life of
I want you to remember for a
moment about the love life of
harry truman, and my guess is
Moment about the love life of
harry truman, and my guess is
his first lady was one satisfied
Harry truman, and my guess is
his first lady was one satisfied
customer.
His first lady was one satisfied
customer.
I'm gonna...
Customer.
I'm gonna...
I've said in my heart that I've
I'm gonna...
I've said in my heart that I've
committed adultery, and god
I've said in my heart that I've
committed adultery, and god
forgives me, and I forgot to add
Committed adultery, and god
forgives me, and I forgot to add
when I said that, that I have
Forgives me, and I forgot to add
when I said that, that I have
worn women's clothing.
When I said that, that I have
worn women's clothing.
And i... I look very beautiful
Worn women's clothing.
And i... I look very beautiful
in it, too.
And i... I look very beautiful
in it, too.
I don't know why I said that,
In it, too.
I don't know why I said that,
but in the long run, I think
I don't know why I said that,
but in the long run, I think
it'll help me get elected.
But in the long run, I think
it'll help me get elected.
You know, we're stopping like
It'll help me get elected.
You know, we're stopping like
this, I have had the opportunity
You know, we're stopping like
this, I have had the opportunity
to lust after a lot of women in
This, I have had the opportunity
to lust after a lot of women in
america, and I've found that
To lust after a lot of women in
america, and I've found that
east coast girls are really hip.
America, and I've found that
east coast girls are really hip.
I really dig the styles they
East coast girls are really hip.
I really dig the styles they
wear.
I really dig the styles they
wear.
And the northern girls, with the
Wear.
And the northern girls, with the
way they look, they keep me warm
And the northern girls, with the
way they look, they keep me warm
up there.
Way they look, they keep me warm
up there.
But I wish they all could be
Up there.
But I wish they all could be
california girls.
But I wish they all could be
california girls.
So far in my campaign, I've
California girls.
So far in my campaign, I've
only fantasized, and now I
So far in my campaign, I've
only fantasized, and now I
actually look forward to
Only fantasized, and now I
actually look forward to
actually dating some of the
Actually look forward to
actually dating some of the
women I've lusted after.
Actually dating some of the
women I've lusted after.
Saucy vixens like helena kazan,
Women I've lusted after.
Saucy vixens like helena kazan,
sheri lewis, phyllis newman.
Saucy vixens like helena kazan,
sheri lewis, phyllis newman.
Actually, I'm not sure that god
Sheri lewis, phyllis newman.
Actually, I'm not sure that god
ever forgave me for
Actually, I'm not sure that god
ever forgave me for
phyllis newman.
Ever forgave me for
phyllis newman.
But I want you to look at our
Phyllis newman.
But I want you to look at our
democratic heritage... Fdr, jfk,
But I want you to look at our
democratic heritage... Fdr, jfk,
lbj, harry truman.
Democratic heritage... Fdr, jfk,
lbj, harry truman.
Now, here were lusty, zesty men,
Lbj, harry truman.
Now, here were lusty, zesty men,
seething with vital hormonal
Now, here were lusty, zesty men,
seething with vital hormonal
secretions.
Seething with vital hormonal
secretions.
These were men of action.
Secretions.
These were men of action.
Doers.
These were men of action.
Doers.
Democrats.
Doers.
Democrats.
As your president, I look
Democrats.
As your president, I look
forward to deeply satisfying
As your president, I look
forward to deeply satisfying
each and every one of you.
Forward to deeply satisfying
each and every one of you.
God forgive us all.
Each and every one of you.
God forgive us all.
Thank you.
And now, my favorite, what's
more important, my daughter's
favorite, your favorite,
More important, my daughter's
favorite, your favorite,
boz scaggs.
Favorite, your favorite,
boz scaggs.
[Cheers and applause]
Boz scaggs.
[Cheers and applause]
[intro to "lowdown" plays]
♪ Your baby's into runnin'
around ♪
♪ hanging with the crowd ♪
Around ♪
♪ hanging with the crowd ♪
♪ putting your business in the
♪ Hanging with the crowd ♪
♪ putting your business in the
street ♪
♪ Putting your business in the
street ♪
♪ talking out loud ♪
Street ♪
♪ talking out loud ♪
♪ saying you bought her this and
♪ Talking out loud ♪
♪ saying you bought her this and
that ♪
♪ Saying you bought her this and
that ♪
♪ how much you done spent? ♪
That ♪
♪ how much you done spent? ♪
♪ I swear she must believe
♪ How much you done spent? ♪
♪ I swear she must believe
it's all heaven-sent ♪
♪ I swear she must believe
it's all heaven-sent ♪
♪ hey, boy ♪
It's all heaven-sent ♪
♪ hey, boy ♪
♪ you better bring the chick
♪ Hey, boy ♪
♪ you better bring the chick
around ♪
♪ You better bring the chick
around ♪
♪ to the sad, old truth ♪
Around ♪
♪ to the sad, old truth ♪
♪ the dirty lowdown ♪
♪ To the sad, old truth ♪
♪ the dirty lowdown ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ The dirty lowdown ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ Whoo-ooo ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ say I wonder who taught her
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ say I wonder who taught her
how to talk like that, boy ♪
♪ Say I wonder who taught her
how to talk like that, boy ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
How to talk like that, boy ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ Whoo-ooo ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ gave her that big idea ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ gave her that big idea ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ Gave her that big idea ♪
♪ yeah ♪
pick it up.
♪ Yeah ♪
pick it up.
♪ Nothing you can't handle ♪
Pick it up.
♪ Nothing you can't handle ♪
♪ nothing you ain't got ♪
♪ Nothing you can't handle ♪
♪ nothing you ain't got ♪
♪ put your money on the table
♪ Nothing you ain't got ♪
♪ put your money on the table
and drive it off the lot ♪
♪ Put your money on the table
and drive it off the lot ♪
♪ and turn on that old
And drive it off the lot ♪
♪ and turn on that old
love-light and turn it maybe to
♪ And turn on that old
love-light and turn it maybe to
a yes ♪
Love-light and turn it maybe to
a yes ♪
♪ same old schoolboy game
A yes ♪
♪ same old schoolboy game
got you into this mess ♪
♪ Same old schoolboy game
got you into this mess ♪
♪ hey, son ♪
Got you into this mess ♪
♪ hey, son ♪
♪ you better bring the chick
♪ Hey, son ♪
♪ you better bring the chick
around ♪
♪ You better bring the chick
around ♪
♪ to the sad, old truth ♪
Around ♪
♪ to the sad, old truth ♪
♪ to the dirty lowdown ♪
♪ To the sad, old truth ♪
♪ to the dirty lowdown ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ To the dirty lowdown ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ Whoo-ooo ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ you know I wonder who
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ you know I wonder who
gave her that big idea, boy ♪
♪ You know I wonder who
gave her that big idea, boy ♪
♪ ooh, boy ♪
Gave her that big idea, boy ♪
♪ ooh, boy ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ Ooh, boy ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ oh, I wonder who ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ oh, I wonder who ♪
♪ yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Come on back down to earth,
boy ♪
♪ dig the low, low, low, low
Boy ♪
♪ dig the low, low, low, low
lowdown ♪
♪ Dig the low, low, low, low
lowdown ♪
[guitar solo]
♪ You ain't got to be so bad ♪
♪ got to be so cold ♪
♪ this dog-eat-dog existence
♪ Got to be so cold ♪
♪ this dog-eat-dog existence
sure is getting old ♪
♪ This dog-eat-dog existence
sure is getting old ♪
♪ you got to have a jones for
Sure is getting old ♪
♪ you got to have a jones for
this, jones for that ♪
♪ You got to have a jones for
this, jones for that ♪
♪ this living with the joneses,
This, jones for that ♪
♪ this living with the joneses,
boy, just ain't where it's at ♪
♪ This living with the joneses,
boy, just ain't where it's at ♪
♪ you gonna come back around
Boy, just ain't where it's at ♪
♪ you gonna come back around
to the sad, sad truth ♪
♪ You gonna come back around
to the sad, sad truth ♪
♪ the dirty lowdown ♪
To the sad, sad truth ♪
♪ the dirty lowdown ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ The dirty lowdown ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ Whoo-ooo ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ oh, I wonder who gave her
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ oh, I wonder who gave her
that big idea, boy ♪
♪ Oh, I wonder who gave her
that big idea, boy ♪
♪ boy ♪
That big idea, boy ♪
♪ boy ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ Boy ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ oh, I'm talking about that
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
♪ oh, I'm talking about that
low, low, low ♪
All right!
Whoo!
♪ Oh, I wonder, wonder, wonder,
Whoo!
♪ Oh, I wonder, wonder, wonder,
wonder who ♪
♪ Oh, I wonder, wonder, wonder,
wonder who ♪
♪ he said, "I wonder, wonder,
Wonder who ♪
♪ he said, "I wonder, wonder,
wonder, wonder who" ♪
♪ He said, "I wonder, wonder,
wonder, wonder who" ♪
♪ oh, look out for that
Wonder, wonder who" ♪
♪ oh, look out for that
lowdown ♪
♪ Oh, look out for that
lowdown ♪
♪ oh, that dirty, dirty, dirty
Lowdown ♪
♪ oh, that dirty, dirty, dirty
lowdown ♪
♪ Oh, that dirty, dirty, dirty
lowdown ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
Lowdown ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ well, I wonder, wonder,
♪ Whoo-ooo ♪
♪ well, I wonder, wonder,
wonder, wonder who ♪
♪ Well, I wonder, wonder,
wonder, wonder who ♪
♪ oh, got you thinking about
Wonder, wonder who ♪
♪ oh, got you thinking about
that ♪
♪ Oh, got you thinking about
that ♪
♪ hey, boy ♪
That ♪
♪ hey, boy ♪
♪ hey, boy ♪
♪ Hey, boy ♪
♪ hey, boy ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ Hey, boy ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ you better wipe that off of
♪ Whoo-ooo ♪
♪ you better wipe that off of
your face, child ♪
♪ You better wipe that off of
your face, child ♪
♪ oh, look out ♪
Your face, child ♪
♪ oh, look out ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ Oh, look out ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder
♪ Whoo-ooo ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder
who ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder
who ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
Who ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ oh... ♪
♪ Whoo-ooo ♪
♪ oh... ♪
♪ Talking about that dirty,
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Talking about that dirty,
dirty, dirty, dirty ♪
♪ Talking about that dirty,
dirty, dirty, dirty ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
Dirty, dirty, dirty ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder,
♪ Whoo-ooo ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder,
wonder who ♪
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder,
wonder who ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
Wonder who ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
yeah.
♪ Whoo-ooo ♪
yeah.
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
Yeah.
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
you better look out for that
♪ I wonder, wonder, wonder ♪
you better look out for that
lowdown.
You better look out for that
lowdown.
Hey, boy, you better move back
Lowdown.
Hey, boy, you better move back
from baltimore.
Hey, boy, you better move back
from baltimore.
You better come on back to town,
From baltimore.
You better come on back to town,
son.
You better come on back to town,
son.
♪ Wonder who ♪
Son.
♪ Wonder who ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ Wonder who ♪
♪ whoo-ooo ♪
♪ well, I wonder, wonder,
♪ Whoo-ooo ♪
♪ well, I wonder, wonder,
wonder, wonder who ♪
♪ Well, I wonder, wonder,
wonder, wonder who ♪
[cheers and applause]
Wonder, wonder who ♪
[cheers and applause]
don't you know.
As a producer of television
shows, I and my fellow producers
are constantly testing and
Shows, I and my fellow producers
are constantly testing and
experimenting with new concepts.
Are constantly testing and
experimenting with new concepts.
A lot of people accuse us of
Experimenting with new concepts.
A lot of people accuse us of
running factories.
A lot of people accuse us of
running factories.
Factories, indeed.
Running factories.
Factories, indeed.
In my own case, I like to think
Factories, indeed.
In my own case, I like to think
that I have a very personal
In my own case, I like to think
that I have a very personal
relationship with each and every
That I have a very personal
relationship with each and every
one of the writers I work with.
Relationship with each and every
one of the writers I work with.
Miss shabbit, send in writer
One of the writers I work with.
Miss shabbit, send in writer
456.
Miss shabbit, send in writer
456.
Hello, norman.
456.
Hello, norman.
Ah, wyzkof.
Hello, norman.
Ah, wyzkof.
Tell me, sir... What is new with
Ah, wyzkof.
Tell me, sir... What is new with
the new series?
Tell me, sir... What is new with
the new series?
Well, we've studied the
The new series?
Well, we've studied the
quotients, ratings, and audience
Well, we've studied the
quotients, ratings, and audience
percentiles for pittsburgh, and
Quotients, ratings, and audience
percentiles for pittsburgh, and
the consensus is to set this
Percentiles for pittsburgh, and
the consensus is to set this
new series there.
The consensus is to set this
new series there.
Good, good.
New series there.
Good, good.
Now, it's got all the
Good, good.
Now, it's got all the
characters you ordered.
Now, it's got all the
characters you ordered.
The father is a union organizer.
Characters you ordered.
The father is a union organizer.
A union organizer.
The father is a union organizer.
A union organizer.
The mother is his boss, the
A union organizer.
The mother is his boss, the
president of a large steel
The mother is his boss, the
president of a large steel
company, but the father is proud
President of a large steel
company, but the father is proud
and they live on his money.
Company, but the father is proud
and they live on his money.
Now, the daughter is a nun, and
And they live on his money.
Now, the daughter is a nun, and
their son is a gay state
Now, the daughter is a nun, and
their son is a gay state
trooper.
Their son is a gay state
trooper.
Tell me, does it have a
Trooper.
Tell me, does it have a
twist?
Tell me, does it have a
twist?
A twist?
Twist?
A twist?
Sure.
A twist?
Sure.
They're all practicing snake
Sure.
They're all practicing snake
handlers.
They're all practicing snake
handlers.
Practicing snake handlers?
♪ Pop is a hardhat ♪
♪ Mom's an exec ♪
♪ Sis is a nun ♪
♪ And junior is gay ♪
♪ We all live in pittsburgh ♪
♪ Oh, that's a cliché ♪
♪ What else can we say? ♪
♪ But we'll be okay ♪
♪ 'Cause we're snake
Handlers ♪
♪ We handle snakes ♪
♪ Snake handlers ♪
♪ Junior is gay ♪
♪ Snake handlers ♪
Daddy?
Daddy, is that you?
Oh, no.
You mean it still hasn't been
settled?
You mean it still hasn't been
settled?
On that picket line for six
Settled?
On that picket line for six
hours today with the men in my
On that picket line for six
hours today with the men in my
union looking up to me...
Hours today with the men in my
union looking up to me...
Their organizer.
Union looking up to me...
Their organizer.
Only to suffer the ultimate
Their organizer.
Only to suffer the ultimate
humiliation of having my own son
Only to suffer the ultimate
humiliation of having my own son
arrest me and haul me off to
Humiliation of having my own son
arrest me and haul me off to
jail.
Arrest me and haul me off to
jail.
Daddy, barney called to
Jail.
Daddy, barney called to
explain, and...
Daddy, barney called to
explain, and...
I don't want to hear any
Explain, and...
I don't want to hear any
explanation.
I don't want to hear any
explanation.
Where are the snakes?
Explanation.
Where are the snakes?
Okay, I'll get them in a
Where are the snakes?
Okay, I'll get them in a
minute, but I want you to know
Okay, I'll get them in a
minute, but I want you to know
that I came home from the
Minute, but I want you to know
that I came home from the
convent to try and settle things
That I came home from the
convent to try and settle things
here, but it looks like you just
Convent to try and settle things
here, but it looks like you just
won't listen to reason, so...
Here, but it looks like you just
won't listen to reason, so...
Reason?
Won't listen to reason, so...
Reason?
Reason?!
Reason?
Reason?!
Oh, you just wait till that
Reason?!
Oh, you just wait till that
brother of yours gets home.
Oh, you just wait till that
brother of yours gets home.
Boy, I'm gonna take care of
Brother of yours gets home.
Boy, I'm gonna take care of
him.
Boy, I'm gonna take care of
him.
Oh, hello, baby, how are you?
Him.
Oh, hello, baby, how are you?
Yes, sweetheart.
Oh, hello, baby, how are you?
Yes, sweetheart.
Boy, I'm gonna take care of that
Yes, sweetheart.
Boy, I'm gonna take care of that
guy.
Boy, I'm gonna take care of that
guy.
My own flesh and blood!
Look, dad, it was an illegal
strike.
Once mother served the
Strike.
Once mother served the
injunction, I had to move in
Once mother served the
injunction, I had to move in
there as a trooper and arrest
Injunction, I had to move in
there as a trooper and arrest
you.
There as a trooper and arrest
you.
I'm sorry.
You.
I'm sorry.
There was nothing I could do
I'm sorry.
There was nothing I could do
about it.
There was nothing I could do
about it.
May I have my snake, please?
About it.
May I have my snake, please?
Yeah.
May I have my snake, please?
Yeah.
Your mother.
Yeah.
Your mother.
Your mother.
Your mother.
Your mother.
Just wait till she gets home.
Your mother.
Just wait till she gets home.
Your mother.
Just wait till she gets home.
Your mother.
Miss management mother.
Your mother.
Miss management mother.
Yeah.
Miss management mother.
Yeah.
When she gets home, she's gonna
Yeah.
When she gets home, she's gonna
get hers.
Snake, please.
Yes, mom.
Mother, you didn't tell me
Yes, mom.
Mother, you didn't tell me
that dad was gonna be on that
Mother, you didn't tell me
that dad was gonna be on that
picket line today.
That dad was gonna be on that
picket line today.
I'm really upset.
Picket line today.
I'm really upset.
You're upset?!
I'm really upset.
You're upset?!
Here I am, the newly elected
You're upset?!
Here I am, the newly elected
president of the national steel
Here I am, the newly elected
president of the national steel
car coupler company, with a
President of the national steel
car coupler company, with a
three-day-old strike on my
Car coupler company, with a
three-day-old strike on my
hands and a union organizer for
Three-day-old strike on my
hands and a union organizer for
a husband.
Hands and a union organizer for
a husband.
Hi, skipper.
A husband.
Hi, skipper.
Mary catherine...
Hi, skipper.
Mary catherine...
Come on, balcazar.
Mary catherine...
Come on, balcazar.
Mary catherine, have you got
Come on, balcazar.
Mary catherine, have you got
the convent staff car tonight?
Mary catherine, have you got
the convent staff car tonight?
Give me the keys.
The convent staff car tonight?
Give me the keys.
I'm going to the drive-in with
Give me the keys.
I'm going to the drive-in with
boyd.
I'm going to the drive-in with
boyd.
Barney, as long as you're
Boyd.
Barney, as long as you're
seeing boyd, I cannot lend you
Barney, as long as you're
seeing boyd, I cannot lend you
the nunmobile.
Seeing boyd, I cannot lend you
the nunmobile.
You know, the snakes feel so
The nunmobile.
You know, the snakes feel so
good today.
You know, the snakes feel so
good today.
I think I'll start my chant.
Good today.
I think I'll start my chant.
Dad, not yet.
I think I'll start my chant.
Dad, not yet.
Not yet?
Dad, not yet.
Not yet?
This is just too much for me.
Not yet?
This is just too much for me.
Your mother's driving me crazy.
This is just too much for me.
Your mother's driving me crazy.
I'm working my head off at the
Your mother's driving me crazy.
I'm working my head off at the
union... The united millworkers
I'm working my head off at the
union... The united millworkers
union.
Union... The united millworkers
union.
I'm the president there.
Union.
I'm the president there.
The blast furnaces in two plants
I'm the president there.
The blast furnaces in two plants
are out.
The blast furnaces in two plants
are out.
They're misfunctioning.
Are out.
They're misfunctioning.
What am I gonna do?
They're misfunctioning.
What am I gonna do?
They're unsafe.
What am I gonna do?
They're unsafe.
50 Cents an hour at the
They're unsafe.
50 Cents an hour at the
current rate of production will
50 Cents an hour at the
current rate of production will
ruin us.
Current rate of production will
ruin us.
You know that, clovis.
Ruin us.
You know that, clovis.
[Chanting]
You know that, clovis.
[Chanting]
how's your snake, mom?
[Chanting]
how's your snake, mom?
Looks like dad and
How's your snake, mom?
Looks like dad and
mary catherine have already
Looks like dad and
mary catherine have already
started their chants.
Mary catherine have already
started their chants.
Well, I'd better start mine
Started their chants.
Well, I'd better start mine
before I face that board of
Well, I'd better start mine
before I face that board of
directors tomorrow.
Before I face that board of
directors tomorrow.
[All chanting]
Just look at you two.
You're still both enjoying
healthy, happy lives, handling
You're still both enjoying
healthy, happy lives, handling
snakes in a democracy.
Healthy, happy lives, handling
snakes in a democracy.
What more could you want?
Snakes in a democracy.
What more could you want?
Yeah, I guess so.
What more could you want?
Yeah, I guess so.
You know, honey, I think I'm
Yeah, I guess so.
You know, honey, I think I'm
gonna call off the strike.
You know, honey, I think I'm
gonna call off the strike.
Sweetheart, I'll see that you
Gonna call off the strike.
Sweetheart, I'll see that you
get that 50-cent-an-hour raise.
Sweetheart, I'll see that you
get that 50-cent-an-hour raise.
Barney, tell daddy you're
Get that 50-cent-an-hour raise.
Barney, tell daddy you're
sorry, and I'll lend you the
Barney, tell daddy you're
sorry, and I'll lend you the
convent staff car.
Sorry, and I'll lend you the
convent staff car.
You can go to the drive-in with
Convent staff car.
You can go to the drive-in with
boyd.
You can go to the drive-in with
boyd.
Daddy, I'll never arrest you
Boyd.
Daddy, I'll never arrest you
again.
Daddy, I'll never arrest you
again.
And, mom, I'm not gonna marry
Again.
And, mom, I'm not gonna marry
boyd.
And, mom, I'm not gonna marry
boyd.
We're just gonna go steady for a
Boyd.
We're just gonna go steady for a
while.
We're just gonna go steady for a
while.
We've got to become closer,
While.
We've got to become closer,
you know, and stop fighting.
We've got to become closer,
you know, and stop fighting.
After all, we're probably the
You know, and stop fighting.
After all, we're probably the
only snake handlers left in
After all, we're probably the
only snake handlers left in
pittsburgh.
Only snake handlers left in
pittsburgh.
♪ Because we're snake
Pittsburgh.
♪ Because we're snake
handlers ♪
♪ Because we're snake
handlers ♪
♪ we handle snakes ♪
Handlers ♪
♪ we handle snakes ♪
♪ snake handlers ♪
♪ We handle snakes ♪
♪ snake handlers ♪
♪ junior is gay ♪
♪ Snake handlers ♪
♪ junior is gay ♪
♪ snake handlers ♪
♪ Junior is gay ♪
♪ snake handlers ♪
♪ we handle snakes ♪
♪ Snake handlers ♪
♪ we handle snakes ♪
♪ snake handlers ♪
Next saturday, october 2nd,
is the first saturday of the
month.
Is the first saturday of the
month.
And nbc usually shows it's show
Month.
And nbc usually shows it's show
weekend, but instead, just to
And nbc usually shows it's show
weekend, but instead, just to
confuse you, we'll be back and
Weekend, but instead, just to
confuse you, we'll be back and
our host that... Next saturday
Confuse you, we'll be back and
our host that... Next saturday
will be eric idle of
Our host that... Next saturday
will be eric idle of
"monty python's flying circus."
Will be eric idle of
"monty python's flying circus."
[Cheers and applause]
"Monty python's flying circus."
[Cheers and applause]
and... And his special guest will
[Cheers and applause]
and... And his special guest will
be joe cocker.
And... And his special guest will
be joe cocker.
[Applause]
Be joe cocker.
[Applause]
so be sure to tune in next week,
[Applause]
so be sure to tune in next week,
but stay tuned right now for
So be sure to tune in next week,
but stay tuned right now for
more.
But stay tuned right now for
more.
[Chuckles]
Announcer: and now
"weekend update."
Substituting for the injured
"Weekend update."
Substituting for the injured
chevy chase is jane curtin.
Substituting for the injured
chevy chase is jane curtin.
No, I really think you have
Chevy chase is jane curtin.
No, I really think you have
the wrong number, miss.
No, I really think you have
the wrong number, miss.
A golden shower?
The wrong number, miss.
A golden shower?
Oh, is that one of those drinks
A golden shower?
Oh, is that one of those drinks
that you can get at the hawaii
Oh, is that one of those drinks
that you can get at the hawaii
kai with a little... I got to
That you can get at the hawaii
kai with a little... I got to
go.
Kai with a little... I got to
go.
Excuse me.
Go.
Excuse me.
Good evening.
Excuse me.
Good evening.
Jane curtin with the news.
Good evening.
Jane curtin with the news.
Our top story tonight... In a
Jane curtin with the news.
Our top story tonight... In a
playboy interview to be
Our top story tonight... In a
playboy interview to be
published next month,
Playboy interview to be
published next month,
president ford revealed that in
Published next month,
president ford revealed that in
his heart he committed celibacy.
President ford revealed that in
his heart he committed celibacy.
Thursday, the first in a series
His heart he committed celibacy.
Thursday, the first in a series
of three presidential debates
Thursday, the first in a series
of three presidential debates
was held at philadelphia's
Of three presidential debates
was held at philadelphia's
walnut street theatre in front
Was held at philadelphia's
walnut street theatre in front
of an estimated 100 million
Walnut street theatre in front
of an estimated 100 million
viewers.
Of an estimated 100 million
viewers.
The candidates, president ford
Viewers.
The candidates, president ford
and governor carter, each spoke
The candidates, president ford
and governor carter, each spoke
for approximately 30 minutes.
And governor carter, each spoke
for approximately 30 minutes.
Then to the confusion of
For approximately 30 minutes.
Then to the confusion of
everyone, whispered very softly
Then to the confusion of
everyone, whispered very softly
for the remaining half-hour.
Everyone, whispered very softly
for the remaining half-hour.
It is generally agreed that
For the remaining half-hour.
It is generally agreed that
mr. Ford won the first
It is generally agreed that
mr. Ford won the first
half-hour, governor carter the
Mr. Ford won the first
half-hour, governor carter the
second, and the american people
Half-hour, governor carter the
second, and the american people
the third.
Second, and the american people
the third.
Despite his strong showing in
The third.
Despite his strong showing in
the debate, president ford has
Despite his strong showing in
the debate, president ford has
been maintaining a low profile
The debate, president ford has
been maintaining a low profile
in the campaign.
Been maintaining a low profile
in the campaign.
And at first, it was feared it
In the campaign.
And at first, it was feared it
was because of his severe
And at first, it was feared it
was because of his severe
depression over carter's
Was because of his severe
depression over carter's
showings in the polls.
Depression over carter's
showings in the polls.
However, his doctors now say
Showings in the polls.
However, his doctors now say
mr. Ford is just undergoing a
However, his doctors now say
mr. Ford is just undergoing a
classic case of peanuts envy.
Mr. Ford is just undergoing a
classic case of peanuts envy.
"Washington post" newsman
Classic case of peanuts envy.
"Washington post" newsman
nicholas von hoffman this week
"Washington post" newsman
nicholas von hoffman this week
referred to president ford as
Nicholas von hoffman this week
referred to president ford as
"america's pet rock."
Referred to president ford as
"america's pet rock."
Ford responded by writing an
"America's pet rock."
Ford responded by writing an
angry note, wrapping it around
Ford responded by writing an
angry note, wrapping it around
his head, and throwing himself
Angry note, wrapping it around
his head, and throwing himself
through von hoffman's window.
His head, and throwing himself
through von hoffman's window.
Well, patricia hearst has been
Through von hoffman's window.
Well, patricia hearst has been
finally sentenced for her
Well, patricia hearst has been
finally sentenced for her
bank-robbery conviction.
Finally sentenced for her
bank-robbery conviction.
Miss hearst was sentenced to one
Bank-robbery conviction.
Miss hearst was sentenced to one
night in the trunk of a car in
Miss hearst was sentenced to one
night in the trunk of a car in
her underwear, six months
Night in the trunk of a car in
her underwear, six months
blindfolded on the floor of a
Her underwear, six months
blindfolded on the floor of a
dark closet, a year and a half
Blindfolded on the floor of a
dark closet, a year and a half
of fear and terror, and seven
Dark closet, a year and a half
of fear and terror, and seven
years in prison.
Of fear and terror, and seven
years in prison.
In 16 months, she will be
Years in prison.
In 16 months, she will be
eligible to be kidnapped once
In 16 months, she will be
eligible to be kidnapped once
again.
Eligible to be kidnapped once
again.
Oh, incidentally, you might
Again.
Oh, incidentally, you might
recall that it was reported some
Oh, incidentally, you might
recall that it was reported some
time ago that miss hearst
Recall that it was reported some
time ago that miss hearst
participated in group sex when
Time ago that miss hearst
participated in group sex when
she was a fugitive with the
Participated in group sex when
she was a fugitive with the
s.l.a.
She was a fugitive with the
s.l.a.
This was clarified that she did
S.l.a.
This was clarified that she did
not, however, go all the way.
This was clarified that she did
not, however, go all the way.
Patty is basically an
Not, however, go all the way.
Patty is basically an
old-fashion girl who is saving
Patty is basically an
old-fashion girl who is saving
herself for the right army.
Ever wonder what nuns are really
like?
Well, now we can all find out.
Like?
Well, now we can all find out.
The definitive book has just
Well, now we can all find out.
The definitive book has just
been written.
The definitive book has just
been written.
And it vividly explains the
Been written.
And it vividly explains the
sexual feelings, sexual
And it vividly explains the
sexual feelings, sexual
attitudes, and sexual practices
Sexual feelings, sexual
attitudes, and sexual practices
of nuns.
Attitudes, and sexual practices
of nuns.
It's an accurate and candid
Of nuns.
It's an accurate and candid
book.
It's an accurate and candid
book.
Once you pick it up, you won't
Book.
Once you pick it up, you won't
be able to open it.
Once you pick it up, you won't
be able to open it.
And now a special live remote
Be able to open it.
And now a special live remote
from correspondent
And now a special live remote
from correspondent
laraine newman at times square.
Jane, I'm standing in the
Center of times square...
New york's traditional
Celebration and meeting place.
The turnout this year seems to
Be smaller than expected.
The crowds are lighter, the
noisemakers quieter, but a
feeling of excitement and
Noisemakers quieter, but a
feeling of excitement and
expectation prevails as the new
Feeling of excitement and
expectation prevails as the new
year approaches.
Expectation prevails as the new
year approaches.
Of course, at midnight, the big
Year approaches.
Of course, at midnight, the big
ball on top of the allied
Of course, at midnight, the big
ball on top of the allied
chemical tower will drop, and
Ball on top of the allied
chemical tower will drop, and
the numerals 5737 will herald
Chemical tower will drop, and
the numerals 5737 will herald
the new year.
The numerals 5737 will herald
the new year.
And according to tradition, the
The new year.
And according to tradition, the
book of life will then open and
And according to tradition, the
book of life will then open and
god will decide the fate of the
Book of life will then open and
god will decide the fate of the
world for the next 10 years.
God will decide the fate of the
world for the next 10 years.
After 10 days, however...
World for the next 10 years.
After 10 days, however...
Uh, laraine?
After 10 days, however...
Uh, laraine?
Yes, jane?
Uh, laraine?
Yes, jane?
Are you talking about the
Yes, jane?
Are you talking about the
jewish new year?
Are you talking about the
jewish new year?
That's right, jane.
Jewish new year?
That's right, jane.
Rosh hashanah.
That's right, jane.
Rosh hashanah.
Well, laraine, that's usually
Rosh hashanah.
Well, laraine, that's usually
celebrated privately in homes
Well, laraine, that's usually
celebrated privately in homes
and at synagogues, not in
Celebrated privately in homes
and at synagogues, not in
times square.
And at synagogues, not in
times square.
I thought it seemed a little
Times square.
I thought it seemed a little
quiet.
I thought it seemed a little
quiet.
Well, this is laraine newman
Quiet.
Well, this is laraine newman
saying happy birthday, steve,
Well, this is laraine newman
saying happy birthday, steve,
gut yontiff, and sending it
Saying happy birthday, steve,
gut yontiff, and sending it
back to you, jane.
Gut yontiff, and sending it
back to you, jane.
The senate internal security
Back to you, jane.
The senate internal security
subcommittee said this week that
The senate internal security
subcommittee said this week that
the american indian movement is
Subcommittee said this week that
the american indian movement is
"a revolutionary organization
The american indian movement is
"a revolutionary organization
committed to v*olence."
"A revolutionary organization
committed to v*olence."
The subcommittee then moved
Committed to v*olence."
The subcommittee then moved
their desks into a circle to
The subcommittee then moved
their desks into a circle to
await a reply.
Their desks into a circle to
await a reply.
Pbht.
Await a reply.
Pbht.
Rock star elton john has
Pbht.
Rock star elton john has
revealed he is bisexual.
Rock star elton john has
revealed he is bisexual.
The statement was made this week
Revealed he is bisexual.
The statement was made this week
in a two-part interview...
The statement was made this week
in a two-part interview...
Part one in rolling stone
In a two-part interview...
Part one in rolling stone
magazine, part two in
Part one in rolling stone
magazine, part two in
women's wear daily.
Magazine, part two in
women's wear daily.
In a tragically related final
Women's wear daily.
In a tragically related final
story, tv personality
In a tragically related final
story, tv personality
speedy alka-seltzer came out of
Story, tv personality
speedy alka-seltzer came out of
the medicine cabinet this week
Speedy alka-seltzer came out of
the medicine cabinet this week
and admitted that he was a
The medicine cabinet this week
and admitted that he was a
bicarbonate.
And admitted that he was a
bicarbonate.
Fearful over possible criticism,
Bicarbonate.
Fearful over possible criticism,
the beloved speedy threw himself
Fearful over possible criticism,
the beloved speedy threw himself
into a bathtub and was fatally
The beloved speedy threw himself
into a bathtub and was fatally
effervesced.
Into a bathtub and was fatally
effervesced.
A grief-stricken close friend,
Effervesced.
A grief-stricken close friend,
poppin' fresh, the pillsbury
A grief-stricken close friend,
poppin' fresh, the pillsbury
doughboy, said that speedy left
Poppin' fresh, the pillsbury
doughboy, said that speedy left
behind a su1c1de note which read
Doughboy, said that speedy left
behind a su1c1de note which read
simply, "plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
Behind a su1c1de note which read
simply, "plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
Oh, what a relief it is."
Memorial services for
speedy alka-seltzer will be held
tomorrow at 10:00 and will be
Speedy alka-seltzer will be held
tomorrow at 10:00 and will be
repeated every four hours.
Tomorrow at 10:00 and will be
repeated every four hours.
Good night, and have a pleasant
Repeated every four hours.
Good night, and have a pleasant
tomorrow.
As you all know, chevy chase
isn't here tonight.
I thought at first it might not
Isn't here tonight.
I thought at first it might not
matter, but then as the week
I thought at first it might not
matter, but then as the week
went on, I noticed something
Matter, but then as the week
went on, I noticed something
really was missing.
Went on, I noticed something
really was missing.
Nobody knew exactly, you know,
Really was missing.
Nobody knew exactly, you know,
quite what it was, but there was
Nobody knew exactly, you know,
quite what it was, but there was
a lack, a void.
Quite what it was, but there was
a lack, a void.
And, well, no one, not anybody
A lack, a void.
And, well, no one, not anybody
among us, was really sure what
And, well, no one, not anybody
among us, was really sure what
it was.
Among us, was really sure what
it was.
And I was thinking abou...
It was.
And I was thinking abou...
About it.
And I was thinking abou...
About it.
[Applause]
About it.
[Applause]
and... It's quite possible that's
[Applause]
and... It's quite possible that's
what it was.
And... It's quite possible that's
what it was.
Anyway, I feel better now.
What it was.
Anyway, I feel better now.
I hope you feel better, too,
Anyway, I feel better now.
I hope you feel better, too,
chevy.
I hope you feel better, too,
chevy.
[Upbeat music plays]
♪ When he's doing "update,"
my heart stands still ♪
♪ when he says that franco's
My heart stands still ♪
♪ when he says that franco's
still dead, I could die ♪
♪ When he says that franco's
still dead, I could die ♪
♪ when he talks dirty on that
Still dead, I could die ♪
♪ when he talks dirty on that
phone, it's like he's talking to
♪ When he talks dirty on that
phone, it's like he's talking to
me ♪
Phone, it's like he's talking to
me ♪
♪ I go to pieces when he sneezes
Me ♪
♪ I go to pieces when he sneezes
in his tie ♪
♪ I go to pieces when he sneezes
in his tie ♪
♪ when he does gerald ford,
In his tie ♪
♪ when he does gerald ford,
you know I'm never bored ♪
♪ When he does gerald ford,
you know I'm never bored ♪
♪ he says, "no problem," but I
You know I'm never bored ♪
♪ he says, "no problem," but I
wish that he could see ♪
♪ He says, "no problem," but I
wish that he could see ♪
♪ there is a problem, mine,
Wish that he could see ♪
♪ there is a problem, mine,
because I want him so ♪
♪ There is a problem, mine,
because I want him so ♪
♪ but if he takes me in his
Because I want him so ♪
♪ but if he takes me in his
arms, there would be... ♪
♪ But if he takes me in his
arms, there would be... ♪
♪ Chevy ♪
Arms, there would be... ♪
♪ Chevy ♪
♪ chevy, I love when you fall
♪ Chevy ♪
♪ chevy, I love when you fall
down ♪
♪ Chevy, I love when you fall
down ♪
♪ each saturday night on my tv ♪
Down ♪
♪ each saturday night on my tv ♪
♪ oh, but, chevy, every time
♪ Each saturday night on my tv ♪
♪ oh, but, chevy, every time
you take that fall ♪
♪ Oh, but, chevy, every time
you take that fall ♪
♪ I wish you that you
You take that fall ♪
♪ I wish you that you
falling ♪
♪ I wish you that you
falling ♪
♪ falling for me ♪
♪ I know this shouldn't be
said ♪
♪ I wish his girlfriend were
Said ♪
♪ I wish his girlfriend were
dead ♪
♪ I wish his girlfriend were
dead ♪
♪ her tragic "accidental" death
Dead ♪
♪ her tragic "accidental" death
I scheme and plot ♪
♪ Her tragic "accidental" death
I scheme and plot ♪
♪ so when in heaven we meet,
I scheme and plot ♪
♪ so when in heaven we meet,
I will be able to say... ♪
♪ So when in heaven we meet,
I will be able to say... ♪
♪ "Hi, I'm mrs. Chevy chase
I will be able to say... ♪
♪ "Hi, I'm mrs. Chevy chase
and you're not" ♪
♪ "Hi, I'm mrs. Chevy chase
and you're not" ♪
♪ chevy ♪
And you're not" ♪
♪ chevy ♪
♪ chevy, I love when you fall
♪ Chevy ♪
♪ chevy, I love when you fall
down ♪
♪ Chevy, I love when you fall
down ♪
♪ each saturday night on my tv ♪
Down ♪
♪ each saturday night on my tv ♪
♪ oh, but, chevy, every time
♪ Each saturday night on my tv ♪
♪ oh, but, chevy, every time
you take that fall ♪
♪ Oh, but, chevy, every time
you take that fall ♪
♪ I wish that you were
You take that fall ♪
♪ I wish that you were
falling ♪
♪ I wish that you were
falling ♪
♪ falling for me ♪
Falling ♪
♪ falling for me ♪
once he came to see me in my
♪ Falling for me ♪
once he came to see me in my
dressing room.
Once he came to see me in my
dressing room.
Do tell!
Dressing room.
Do tell!
He asked for a match, and I
Do tell!
He asked for a match, and I
felt my heart zoom.
He asked for a match, and I
felt my heart zoom.
Then what happened?
Felt my heart zoom.
Then what happened?
The show began.
Then what happened?
The show began.
He turned to go.
The show began.
He turned to go.
He said goodbye.
He turned to go.
He said goodbye.
Oh, no!
He said goodbye.
Oh, no!
I begged him to stay.
Oh, no!
I begged him to stay.
I thought I would die!
I begged him to stay.
I thought I would die!
Look out! Look out! Look out!
I thought I would die!
Look out! Look out! Look out!
He walked into a wall, and
Look out! Look out! Look out!
He walked into a wall, and
there was nothing I could do
He walked into a wall, and
there was nothing I could do
about it.
There was nothing I could do
about it.
♪ Chevy ♪
About it.
♪ Chevy ♪
♪ chevy, I love when you fall
♪ Chevy ♪
♪ chevy, I love when you fall
down ♪
♪ Chevy, I love when you fall
down ♪
♪ each saturday night on my tv ♪
Down ♪
♪ each saturday night on my tv ♪
♪ oh, but, chevy, every time
♪ Each saturday night on my tv ♪
♪ oh, but, chevy, every time
you take that fall ♪
♪ Oh, but, chevy, every time
you take that fall ♪
♪ I wish that you were
You take that fall ♪
♪ I wish that you were
falling ♪
♪ I wish that you were
falling ♪
♪ falling for me ♪
Announcer: and now
mr. Joseph franklin of the
u.s. Council of standards and
Mr. Joseph franklin of the
u.s. Council of standards and
measures.
U.s. Council of standards and
measures.
Hi, everybody.
Measures.
Hi, everybody.
I'm joseph franklin.
Hi, everybody.
I'm joseph franklin.
And I'd like to talk to you
I'm joseph franklin.
And I'd like to talk to you
about how the metric-system
And I'd like to talk to you
about how the metric-system
conversion will affect you in
About how the metric-system
conversion will affect you in
the next 10 years.
Conversion will affect you in
the next 10 years.
Now, we've already discussed the
The next 10 years.
Now, we've already discussed the
conversion from miles to
Now, we've already discussed the
conversion from miles to
kilometers and the switchover
Conversion from miles to
kilometers and the switchover
from our current alphabet to the
Kilometers and the switchover
from our current alphabet to the
decebet, or 10-letter alphabet.
From our current alphabet to the
decebet, or 10-letter alphabet.
But now I'd like to tell you
Decebet, or 10-letter alphabet.
But now I'd like to tell you
about the exciting new metric
But now I'd like to tell you
about the exciting new metric
week system to begin by the
About the exciting new metric
week system to begin by the
government on january 1, 1979.
Week system to begin by the
government on january 1, 1979.
Let's take a look, shall we?
Government on january 1, 1979.
Let's take a look, shall we?
The metric leisure week will be
Let's take a look, shall we?
The metric leisure week will be
composed of three days.
The metric leisure week will be
composed of three days.
Yes, only three days.
Composed of three days.
Yes, only three days.
Monday, tuesday, and wednesday
Yes, only three days.
Monday, tuesday, and wednesday
will become one day, known as
Monday, tuesday, and wednesday
will become one day, known as
mwednesday, or in decebet, mwen.
Will become one day, known as
mwednesday, or in decebet, mwen.
Thursday, friday, and saturday
Mwednesday, or in decebet, mwen.
Thursday, friday, and saturday
will become saturthurs, or in
Thursday, friday, and saturday
will become saturthurs, or in
decebet, turth.
Will become saturthurs, or in
decebet, turth.
And sunday, our traditional day
Decebet, turth.
And sunday, our traditional day
of rest will remain sunday.
And sunday, our traditional day
of rest will remain sunday.
Three days... Mwen, turth, and,
Of rest will remain sunday.
Three days... Mwen, turth, and,
sunday.
Three days... Mwen, turth, and,
sunday.
Now, this means that we're going
Sunday.
Now, this means that we're going
to have to introduce a new
Now, this means that we're going
to have to introduce a new
system for marking off time of
To have to introduce a new
system for marking off time of
course.
System for marking off time of
course.
This bring us to the federal
Course.
This bring us to the federal
government 100-hour day.
This bring us to the federal
government 100-hour day.
That'll give our face-lift to a
Government 100-hour day.
That'll give our face-lift to a
present clock.
That'll give our face-lift to a
present clock.
Let's take a look at the new
Present clock.
Let's take a look at the new
100-hour metric leisure clock.
Let's take a look at the new
100-hour metric leisure clock.
50 Hours daytime and 50 hours
100-Hour metric leisure clock.
50 Hours daytime and 50 hours
nighttime.
50 Hours daytime and 50 hours
nighttime.
100 Full hours to a day.
Nighttime.
100 Full hours to a day.
Just think of all the time
100 Full hours to a day.
Just think of all the time
you'll have.
Just think of all the time
you'll have.
One question... Will this affect
You'll have.
One question... Will this affect
my sleeping habits?
One question... Will this affect
my sleeping habits?
Yes, it will.
My sleeping habits?
Yes, it will.
But during the three-month
Yes, it will.
But during the three-month
national readjustment period,
But during the three-month
national readjustment period,
everyone will be eligible to
National readjustment period,
everyone will be eligible to
receive a government adrenaline
Everyone will be eligible to
receive a government adrenaline
supplement...
Receive a government adrenaline
supplement...
Government adrenalin supplement,
Supplement...
Government adrenalin supplement,
or gas.
Government adrenalin supplement,
or gas.
These will be free supplements
Or gas.
These will be free supplements
of amphetamines and caffeine
These will be free supplements
of amphetamines and caffeine
derivatives in the form of
Of amphetamines and caffeine
derivatives in the form of
government lozenges, beverages,
Derivatives in the form of
government lozenges, beverages,
and ointments, designed to
Government lozenges, beverages,
and ointments, designed to
stimulate your adrenal cortex,
And ointments, designed to
stimulate your adrenal cortex,
keeping you awake all the time
Stimulate your adrenal cortex,
keeping you awake all the time
and metric.
Keeping you awake all the time
and metric.
We prepared this little
And metric.
We prepared this little
dramatization to show you what
We prepared this little
dramatization to show you what
it might be like living the
Dramatization to show you what
it might be like living the
metric week with the 100-hour
It might be like living the
metric week with the 100-hour
metric leisure clock.
Honey, I'm home.
Oh, hi, honey.
You're early.
Why, it's only 65:15.
Well, I finished early at the
office and I took the 50:19.
Oh, well, dear, how was your
Office and I took the 50:19.
Oh, well, dear, how was your
day?
Oh, well, dear, how was your
day?
It was absolutely wonderful.
Day?
It was absolutely wonderful.
You know, these 100-hour days
It was absolutely wonderful.
You know, these 100-hour days
are absolutely great.
You know, these 100-hour days
are absolutely great.
I woke up, and I called
Are absolutely great.
I woke up, and I called
uncle oscar and checked on his
I woke up, and I called
uncle oscar and checked on his
cold, poor devil.
Uncle oscar and checked on his
cold, poor devil.
I flew to manila, sold the beach
Cold, poor devil.
I flew to manila, sold the beach
property, had a meeting with
I flew to manila, sold the beach
property, had a meeting with
tans and yaki in hong kong,
Property, had a meeting with
tans and yaki in hong kong,
hopped into philadelphia to
Tans and yaki in hong kong,
hopped into philadelphia to
visit uncle oscar.
Hopped into philadelphia to
visit uncle oscar.
Didn't look too good.
Visit uncle oscar.
Didn't look too good.
Bought another office building
Didn't look too good.
Bought another office building
in zurich, had lunch with bill
Bought another office building
in zurich, had lunch with bill
in detroit, and still got back
In zurich, had lunch with bill
in detroit, and still got back
in time to be a pallbearer at
In detroit, and still got back
in time to be a pallbearer at
uncle oscar's funeral.
In time to be a pallbearer at
uncle oscar's funeral.
Oh, dear, well, that's great.
Uncle oscar's funeral.
Oh, dear, well, that's great.
You know, today, I put timmy
Oh, dear, well, that's great.
You know, today, I put timmy
through 3rd grade, and I
You know, today, I put timmy
through 3rd grade, and I
refurnished the upstairs.
Through 3rd grade, and I
refurnished the upstairs.
And I went downtown and did a
Refurnished the upstairs.
And I went downtown and did a
little campaign work, and I
And I went downtown and did a
little campaign work, and I
still had time to donate a lung
Little campaign work, and I
still had time to donate a lung
down at county general.
Still had time to donate a lung
down at county general.
Wonderful, wonderful, honey.
Down at county general.
Wonderful, wonderful, honey.
Oh, boy, I'm starved.
Wonderful, wonderful, honey.
Oh, boy, I'm starved.
When do we eat?
Oh, boy, I'm starved.
When do we eat?
Oh, right away.
When do we eat?
Oh, right away.
Dinner will be ready in three
Oh, right away.
Dinner will be ready in three
hours.
Dinner will be ready in three
hours.
Good.
Hours.
Good.
While I'm waiting, do you have
Good.
While I'm waiting, do you have
the evening paper?
While I'm waiting, do you have
the evening paper?
Oh, yes, dear.
The evening paper?
Oh, yes, dear.
It's right here.
Oh, yes, dear.
It's right here.
[Groans]
It's right here.
[Groans]
there are many other benefits
[Groans]
there are many other benefits
when we make the changeover...
There are many other benefits
when we make the changeover...
Three nights rest for one, two
When we make the changeover...
Three nights rest for one, two
days work for one, a paycheck
Three nights rest for one, two
days work for one, a paycheck
every two days, longer
Days work for one, a paycheck
every two days, longer
mealtimes... Up to eight hours
Every two days, longer
mealtimes... Up to eight hours
per single meal... A college
Mealtimes... Up to eight hours
per single meal... A college
education in five metric weeks,
Per single meal... A college
education in five metric weeks,
and no more bulky calendars.
Education in five metric weeks,
and no more bulky calendars.
Well, the clock on the wall says
And no more bulky calendars.
Well, the clock on the wall says
it's 25:75.
Well, the clock on the wall says
it's 25:75.
So thank you, and have a nice
It's 25:75.
So thank you, and have a nice
metric day.
Hi.
And now this week's film by
gary weis.
And now this week's film by
gary weis.
[Applause]
[Telephone rings]
hello?
Yeah. How are you?
Hello?
Yeah. How are you?
What song?
Yeah. How are you?
What song?
"Yankee doodle dandy."
What song?
"Yankee doodle dandy."
Yeah, I think it goes... Here,
"Yankee doodle dandy."
Yeah, I think it goes... Here,
see if this isn't the one.
Yeah, I think it goes... Here,
see if this isn't the one.
[Humming "yankee doodle
See if this isn't the one.
[Humming "yankee doodle
dandy"]
What are you gonna do with it?
Cut it... Oh, you're gonna put
physical comedy with what?
Cut it... Oh, you're gonna put
physical comedy with what?
With the song?
Physical comedy with what?
With the song?
Well.
With the song?
Well.
No, it's not... Well, I don't
Well.
No, it's not... Well, I don't
know.
No, it's not... Well, I don't
know.
Yeah, it sounds fine.
Know.
Yeah, it sounds fine.
Do it, see what happens.
Yeah, it sounds fine.
Do it, see what happens.
Yeah, I got to go.
Do it, see what happens.
Yeah, I got to go.
Do you got the recorder going?
Yeah, I got to go.
Do you got the recorder going?
All right, tell me when.
Do you got the recorder going?
All right, tell me when.
Okay, here it goes.
All right, tell me when.
Okay, here it goes.
[Humming "yankee doodle
Okay, here it goes.
[Humming "yankee doodle
dandy"]
Hold it, do you want the big
finish?
All right, here it is.
Finish?
All right, here it is.
Hello? Did you get it?
All right, here it is.
Hello? Did you get it?
Okay.
Hello? Did you get it?
Okay.
Yeah, talk to you later.
Okay.
Yeah, talk to you later.
Good luck.
Yeah, talk to you later.
Good luck.
Bye.
Good luck.
Bye.
[Applause]
Okay, mrs. Kaufman, we've had
six days of preliminary
hearings.
Six days of preliminary
hearings.
Now, if we can make a good
Hearings.
Now, if we can make a good
showing tomorrow in the
Now, if we can make a good
showing tomorrow in the
courtroom, I'm sure you'll be
Showing tomorrow in the
courtroom, I'm sure you'll be
granted your divorce and you'll
Courtroom, I'm sure you'll be
granted your divorce and you'll
get the property.
Granted your divorce and you'll
get the property.
Now, all you have to do is
Get the property.
Now, all you have to do is
convince the judge.
Now, all you have to do is
convince the judge.
Now, I know the story.
Convince the judge.
Now, I know the story.
Just tell me the way you're
Now, I know the story.
Just tell me the way you're
gonna tell the judge tomorrow,
Just tell me the way you're
gonna tell the judge tomorrow,
okay?
Gonna tell the judge tomorrow,
okay?
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
Well, at first, it was little
Okay.
Well, at first, it was little
things.
Well, at first, it was little
things.
Lloyd would come home late
Things.
Lloyd would come home late
without even calling, and I'd be
Lloyd would come home late
without even calling, and I'd be
worried sick.
Without even calling, and I'd be
worried sick.
And then if I'd ask him where he
Worried sick.
And then if I'd ask him where he
was, he'd say to shut up and
And then if I'd ask him where he
was, he'd say to shut up and
mind my own business.
Was, he'd say to shut up and
mind my own business.
And then things started getting
Mind my own business.
And then things started getting
worse and he started hitting me.
And then things started getting
worse and he started hitting me.
Like, he'd come home and if
Worse and he started hitting me.
Like, he'd come home and if
something was wrong... Like even
Like, he'd come home and if
something was wrong... Like even
if the salt shaker wasn't on the
Something was wrong... Like even
if the salt shaker wasn't on the
table, he'd punch me out,
If the salt shaker wasn't on the
table, he'd punch me out,
really beat me up.
Table, he'd punch me out,
really beat me up.
And then one night he came home
Really beat me up.
And then one night he came home
from bowling.
And then one night he came home
from bowling.
He had liquor on his breath.
From bowling.
He had liquor on his breath.
And my son, ronny... My little
He had liquor on his breath.
And my son, ronny... My little
son... Was crying, and he kept
And my son, ronny... My little
son... Was crying, and he kept
crying and I couldn't get him to
Son... Was crying, and he kept
crying and I couldn't get him to
stop, so not only did lloyd beat
Crying and I couldn't get him to
stop, so not only did lloyd beat
me up, but he made ronny sleep
Stop, so not only did lloyd beat
me up, but he made ronny sleep
in the car.
Me up, but he made ronny sleep
in the car.
It was terrible.
In the car.
It was terrible.
Mrs. Kaufman, I'm sure it was
It was terrible.
Mrs. Kaufman, I'm sure it was
terrible, but you're not making
Mrs. Kaufman, I'm sure it was
terrible, but you're not making
it sounds terrible.
Terrible, but you're not making
it sounds terrible.
What do you mean?
It sounds terrible.
What do you mean?
I mean, tomorrow you're gonna
What do you mean?
I mean, tomorrow you're gonna
be in front of a judge, and
I mean, tomorrow you're gonna
be in front of a judge, and
you're gonna be telling this
Be in front of a judge, and
you're gonna be telling this
story.
You're gonna be telling this
story.
You're gonna want his sympathy.
Story.
You're gonna want his sympathy.
You want him to rule in your
You're gonna want his sympathy.
You want him to rule in your
favor.
You want him to rule in your
favor.
I want to win this case,
Favor.
I want to win this case,
believe me.
I want to win this case,
believe me.
Tell him how you suffered so
Believe me.
Tell him how you suffered so
he'll believe you.
Tell him how you suffered so
he'll believe you.
You understand?
He'll believe you.
You understand?
Oh, yeah, I understand.
You understand?
Oh, yeah, I understand.
Okay, now, tell the story
Oh, yeah, I understand.
Okay, now, tell the story
with emotion, okay?
Okay, now, tell the story
with emotion, okay?
Feel the pain you went through.
With emotion, okay?
Feel the pain you went through.
You understand?
Feel the pain you went through.
You understand?
Yeah, I understand.
You understand?
Yeah, I understand.
Well, it was terrible.
Yeah, I understand.
Well, it was terrible.
It started in little ways.
Well, it was terrible.
It started in little ways.
Lloyd used to come home, and
It started in little ways.
Lloyd used to come home, and
then he would... He would come
Lloyd used to come home, and
then he would... He would come
home, and, at first, he wouldn't
Then he would... He would come
home, and, at first, he wouldn't
call...
Home, and, at first, he wouldn't
call...
No.
Call...
No.
No, no, no, no.
No.
No, no, no, no.
What's wrong with that?
No, no, no, no.
What's wrong with that?
You're still not convincing
What's wrong with that?
You're still not convincing
enough.
You're still not convincing
enough.
You know, you wouldn't convince
Enough.
You know, you wouldn't convince
anybody.
You know, you wouldn't convince
anybody.
When you're talking about your
Anybody.
When you're talking about your
husband, sob every now and then,
When you're talking about your
husband, sob every now and then,
all right?
Husband, sob every now and then,
all right?
Please, sob, yes.
All right?
Please, sob, yes.
Well, it was terrible.
Please, sob, yes.
Well, it was terrible.
Sob.
Well, it was terrible.
Sob.
You're sobbing.
Sob.
You're sobbing.
When... We'll it was
You're sobbing.
When... We'll it was
terrible.
When... We'll it was
terrible.
[Sobs]
Terrible.
[Sobs]
lloyd used to, um...
[Sobs]
lloyd used to, um...
I want to hear some sobbing.
Lloyd used to, um...
I want to hear some sobbing.
Please, some sobbing, all right?
I want to hear some sobbing.
Please, some sobbing, all right?
Okay, I got it.
Please, some sobbing, all right?
Okay, I got it.
It was terrible.
Okay, I got it.
It was terrible.
Lloyd [sobs] used to come
It was terrible.
Lloyd [sobs] used to come
home...
Lloyd [sobs] used to come
home...
Listen to me.
Home...
Listen to me.
Listen... I want to win this
Listen to me.
Listen... I want to win this
case for you.
Listen... I want to win this
case for you.
You understand?
Case for you.
You understand?
Yes, I do.
You understand?
Yes, I do.
I'm your friend, all right?
Yes, I do.
I'm your friend, all right?
I'm only trying to help you.
I'm your friend, all right?
I'm only trying to help you.
Yes, it's okay.
I'm only trying to help you.
Yes, it's okay.
Do you understand that?
Yes, it's okay.
Do you understand that?
What on earth is going on
Do you understand that?
What on earth is going on
here?
What on earth is going on
here?
I'm just trying... This is
Here?
I'm just trying... This is
the kaufman case.
I'm just trying... This is
the kaufman case.
This is our senior partner of
The kaufman case.
This is our senior partner of
our firm, mr. Zeker.
This is our senior partner of
our firm, mr. Zeker.
Wife-abuse case.
Our firm, mr. Zeker.
Wife-abuse case.
Now, see, if I hit her like
Wife-abuse case.
Now, see, if I hit her like
this, I'm sure we can get some
Now, see, if I hit her like
this, I'm sure we can get some
recourse.
This, I'm sure we can get some
recourse.
Mrs. Kaufman, please.
Recourse.
Mrs. Kaufman, please.
You're behaving like the husband
Mrs. Kaufman, please.
You're behaving like the husband
in this case, not the attorney.
You're behaving like the husband
in this case, not the attorney.
Apologize to the woman.
In this case, not the attorney.
Apologize to the woman.
Well, I'm sorry.
Apologize to the woman.
Well, I'm sorry.
Mrs. Kaufman, what
Well, I'm sorry.
Mrs. Kaufman, what
mr. Shanessy wants is a little
Mrs. Kaufman, what
mr. Shanessy wants is a little
more emotion to impress the
Mr. Shanessy wants is a little
more emotion to impress the
judge.
More emotion to impress the
judge.
Well, I'm not an actress.
Judge.
Well, I'm not an actress.
Of course you're not.
Well, I'm not an actress.
Of course you're not.
Please, let me show you how this
Of course you're not.
Please, let me show you how this
should go.
Please, let me show you how this
should go.
For heaven sakes, shanessy,
Should go.
For heaven sakes, shanessy,
apologize.
For heaven sakes, shanessy,
apologize.
I'm sorry.
Apologize.
I'm sorry.
That's quite all right.
I'm sorry.
That's quite all right.
Now, when you're telling your
That's quite all right.
Now, when you're telling your
story, if mr. Shanessy is asking
Now, when you're telling your
story, if mr. Shanessy is asking
for a sob, then what I assume he
Story, if mr. Shanessy is asking
for a sob, then what I assume he
wants is not a [whimper]
For a sob, then what I assume he
wants is not a [whimper]
he would like a [groans]
Wants is not a [whimper]
he would like a [groans]
isn't that right, mr. Shanessy?
He would like a [groans]
isn't that right, mr. Shanessy?
Uh, no, that's not it.
Isn't that right, mr. Shanessy?
Uh, no, that's not it.
Well, evidently...
Uh, no, that's not it.
Well, evidently...
Evidently he wants... He wants
Well, evidently...
Evidently he wants... He wants
just a little bit more.
Evidently he wants... He wants
just a little bit more.
So give it... Or perhaps tears
Just a little bit more.
So give it... Or perhaps tears
would help, a sob with tears.
So give it... Or perhaps tears
would help, a sob with tears.
If you went [groans] and then
Would help, a sob with tears.
If you went [groans] and then
cried a little bit.
If you went [groans] and then
cried a little bit.
How is that?
Cried a little bit.
How is that?
Was that b...
How is that?
Was that b...
That's not quite it.
Was that b...
That's not quite it.
No, no, no.
That's not quite it.
No, no, no.
Mr. Shanessy, i-i-i think...
No, no, no.
Mr. Shanessy, i-i-i think...
Maybe a little bit of
Mr. Shanessy, i-i-i think...
Maybe a little bit of
crying, huh?
Maybe a little bit of
crying, huh?
How about some crying, mr. Lear?
Crying, huh?
How about some crying, mr. Lear?
Wait a minute!
How about some crying, mr. Lear?
Wait a minute!
Mr. Hot-shot producer!
Wait a minute!
Mr. Hot-shot producer!
John! John!
Mr. Hot-shot producer!
John! John!
John, this is only a scene!
John! John!
John, this is only a scene!
A scene?
John, this is only a scene!
A scene?
You're seen every week.
A scene?
You're seen every week.
Every week your damn shows I see
You're seen every week.
Every week your damn shows I see
on the air.
Every week your damn shows I see
on the air.
This is for "all in the family"
On the air.
This is for "all in the family"
and for "maude."
This is for "all in the family"
and for "maude."
"Mary hartman, mary hartman."
And for "maude."
"Mary hartman, mary hartman."
John!
"Mary hartman, mary hartman."
John!
[Indistinct screaming]
John!
[Indistinct screaming]
john!
[Indistinct screaming]
john!
John, look at...
John!
John, look at...
God, john, he's an important
John, look at...
God, john, he's an important
producer.
God, john, he's an important
producer.
I know, I know, but he's not
Producer.
I know, I know, but he's not
our producer.
Announcer: once again,
boz scaggs.
[Into to "what can I say"
Boz scaggs.
[Into to "what can I say"
plays]
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ 3:00 Am, it's me again ♪
♪ wouldn't you know? ♪
♪ Things would have to end this
♪ Wouldn't you know? ♪
♪ Things would have to end this
way ♪
♪ Things would have to end this
way ♪
♪ I did my best ♪
Way ♪
♪ I did my best ♪
♪ the perfect guest knew when to
♪ I did my best ♪
♪ the perfect guest knew when to
go ♪
♪ The perfect guest knew when to
go ♪
♪ perfect, you knew when to
Go ♪
♪ perfect, you knew when to
stay ♪
♪ Perfect, you knew when to
stay ♪
♪ come on, tell me that you're
Stay ♪
♪ come on, tell me that you're
lonely, dear ♪
♪ Come on, tell me that you're
lonely, dear ♪
♪ I've been feeling down some,
Lonely, dear ♪
♪ I've been feeling down some,
too ♪
♪ I've been feeling down some,
too ♪
♪ after all this time now ♪
Too ♪
♪ after all this time now ♪
♪ ain't it clear? ♪
♪ After all this time now ♪
♪ ain't it clear? ♪
♪ I've been waiting just for
♪ Ain't it clear? ♪
♪ I've been waiting just for
you ♪
♪ I've been waiting just for
you ♪
♪ what can I say? ♪
You ♪
♪ what can I say? ♪
♪ Oh, to make me know, baby ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Oh, to make me know, baby ♪
♪ what can I do? ♪
♪ Oh, to make me know, baby ♪
♪ what can I do? ♪
♪ Ooh, show you that I care ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Ooh, show you that I care ♪
♪ what can I say? ♪
♪ Ooh, show you that I care ♪
♪ what can I say? ♪
♪ Said I got to have your
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Said I got to have your
number, girl ♪
♪ Said I got to have your
number, girl ♪
♪ what can I do? ♪
Number, girl ♪
♪ what can I do? ♪
♪ Do ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Do ♪
♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Do ♪
♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ can't you see the people
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ can't you see the people
stop and stare? ♪
♪ Can't you see the people
stop and stare? ♪
♪ Don't it make you wonder
Stop and stare? ♪
♪ Don't it make you wonder
why? ♪
♪ Don't it make you wonder
why? ♪
♪ Why ♪
Why? ♪
♪ Why ♪
♪ I just happened to be standing
♪ Why ♪
♪ I just happened to be standing
here ♪
♪ I just happened to be standing
here ♪
♪ can't you see it in my eyes? ♪
Here ♪
♪ can't you see it in my eyes? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Can't you see it in my eyes? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Oh, you got me actin' like
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Oh, you got me actin' like
a fool, girl ♪
♪ Oh, you got me actin' like
a fool, girl ♪
♪ what can I do? ♪
A fool, girl ♪
♪ what can I do? ♪
♪ Ooh, stop making like a
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Ooh, stop making like a
little schoolgirl ♪
♪ Ooh, stop making like a
little schoolgirl ♪
♪ what can I say? ♪
Little schoolgirl ♪
♪ what can I say? ♪
♪ This could be your lucky
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ This could be your lucky
day, baby ♪
♪ This could be your lucky
day, baby ♪
♪ what can I do? ♪
Day, baby ♪
♪ what can I do? ♪
♪ Do ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Do ♪
♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Do ♪
♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ oh-oh-oh oh oh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ oh-oh-oh oh oh ♪
♪ talk to me, girl ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Oh, what can I say, baby? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Oh, what can I say, baby? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Yeah, what can I do? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Yeah, what can I do? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Yeah, what can I do? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Say, I'm down on my knees,
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Say, I'm down on my knees,
girl ♪
♪ Say, I'm down on my knees,
girl ♪
♪ what can I do? ♪
Girl ♪
♪ what can I do? ♪
♪ Please, please, please,
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Please, please, please,
please, please ♪
♪ Please, please, please,
please, please ♪
♪ what can I say? ♪
Please, please ♪
♪ what can I say? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Yeah, what can I do? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Yeah, what can I do? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Yeah, what can I do? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ What ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ What ♪
♪ can I ♪
♪ What ♪
♪ can I ♪
♪ say ♪
♪ Can I ♪
♪ say ♪
♪ ba-a-a-a-by? ♪
♪ Say ♪
♪ ba-a-a-a-by? ♪
♪ Yeah, baby ♪
♪ Ba-a-a-a-by? ♪
♪ Yeah, baby ♪
♪ what can I do? ♪
♪ Yeah, baby ♪
♪ what can I do? ♪
♪ Said, what can I say to you,
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Said, what can I say to you,
girl, to make it all come true,
♪ Said, what can I say to you,
girl, to make it all come true,
girl? ♪
Girl, to make it all come true,
girl? ♪
♪ What can I do to make you know
Girl? ♪
♪ What can I do to make you know
what I can do, baby? ♪
♪ What can I do to make you know
what I can do, baby? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
What I can do, baby? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Yeah, what can I do? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Yeah, what can I do? ♪
♪ What I can say? ♪
♪ Yeah, what can I do? ♪
♪ What I can say? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ What I can say? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ what can I say? ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ what can I say? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Yeah, what can I do? ♪
♪ What can I do? ♪
♪ Yeah, what can I do? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Yeah, what can I do? ♪
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Say, I'm about to get down
♪ What can I say? ♪
♪ Say, I'm about to get down
on my knees, baby ♪
♪ Say, I'm about to get down
on my knees, baby ♪
♪ oh, please, please, please,
On my knees, baby ♪
♪ oh, please, please, please,
please ♪
♪ Oh, please, please, please,
please ♪
♪ don't leave ♪
Please ♪
♪ don't leave ♪
[applause]
Yes, thank you very much,
gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
Gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
Yes, gentlemen, please.
Yes, yeah, listen, gentlemen,
Please.
I can't tell you the elation I
Feel now that mr. Smith, the
Distinguished leader of the
Right minority, and mr. Nkono,
The equally distinguished leader
Of the rhodesian nationalists
Have agreed to meet again at the
Conference table.
Yes?
Dr. Kissinger, have there
been any specific results yet?
Dr. Kissinger, have there
been any specific results yet?
Yes, certainly.
Been any specific results yet?
Yes, certainly.
My trip here has accomplished a
Yes, certainly.
My trip here has accomplished a
great deal.
My trip here has accomplished a
great deal.
Just yesterday, the gallup poll
Great deal.
Just yesterday, the gallup poll
showed that president ford is
Just yesterday, the gallup poll
showed that president ford is
catching up to carter and I
Showed that president ford is
catching up to carter and I
might get to keep my job for
Catching up to carter and I
might get to keep my job for
another four years.
Might get to keep my job for
another four years.
Now, gentlemen, if you'll
Another four years.
Now, gentlemen, if you'll
excuse me, we have very serious
Now, gentlemen, if you'll
excuse me, we have very serious
business to take care of.
Excuse me, we have very serious
business to take care of.
Thank you very much.
Business to take care of.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Sir.
Thank you.
Sir.
Yes, yes, yes.
Sir.
Yes, yes, yes.
Dr. Kissinger.
Yes, yes, yes.
Dr. Kissinger.
Hello, good to see you.
Dr. Kissinger.
Hello, good to see you.
Hello.
Hello, good to see you.
Hello.
Well, gentlemen... Well,
Hello.
Well, gentlemen... Well,
gentlemen, my deputy secretary
Well, gentlemen... Well,
gentlemen, my deputy secretary
of state, mr. Charles robinson,
Gentlemen, my deputy secretary
of state, mr. Charles robinson,
has drawn up the papers saying
Of state, mr. Charles robinson,
has drawn up the papers saying
precisely what each of you have
Has drawn up the papers saying
precisely what each of you have
agreed to separately with him.
Precisely what each of you have
agreed to separately with him.
Now, mr. Nkono has ordered his
Agreed to separately with him.
Now, mr. Nkono has ordered his
guerrillas to cease-fire?
Now, mr. Nkono has ordered his
guerrillas to cease-fire?
Yes, the black people of
Guerrillas to cease-fire?
Yes, the black people of
rhodesia want justice, not
Yes, the black people of
rhodesia want justice, not
bloodshed.
Rhodesia want justice, not
bloodshed.
And, mr. Smith, you have
Bloodshed.
And, mr. Smith, you have
agreed to transition the
And, mr. Smith, you have
agreed to transition the
majority rule within two years.
Agreed to transition the
majority rule within two years.
Uh, yes.
Majority rule within two years.
Uh, yes.
On that two-year thing, I've had
Uh, yes.
On that two-year thing, I've had
a chance to sleep on it, and,
On that two-year thing, I've had
a chance to sleep on it, and,
well, it's really not a very
A chance to sleep on it, and,
well, it's really not a very
long time.
Well, it's really not a very
long time.
And I thought that, well,
Long time.
And I thought that, well,
something like 15 years would
And I thought that, well,
something like 15 years would
be, perhaps, more considerable.
Something like 15 years would
be, perhaps, more considerable.
No, pig.
Be, perhaps, more considerable.
No, pig.
First, all your people will die
No, pig.
First, all your people will die
and your bodies will be dragged
First, all your people will die
and your bodies will be dragged
through the streets for black
And your bodies will be dragged
through the streets for black
women and children to spit on.
Through the streets for black
women and children to spit on.
And another thing...
Women and children to spit on.
And another thing...
You hate me, don't you?
And another thing...
You hate me, don't you?
Yes.
You hate me, don't you?
Yes.
Well, I hate you.
Yes.
Well, I hate you.
I hate everything you stand
Well, I hate you.
I hate everything you stand
for... Promiscuity, ignorance,
I hate everything you stand
for... Promiscuity, ignorance,
blackness, darkness.
For... Promiscuity, ignorance,
blackness, darkness.
You call me a pig?
Blackness, darkness.
You call me a pig?
Do I look like a pig?
You call me a pig?
Do I look like a pig?
No, you don't look like a
Do I look like a pig?
No, you don't look like a
pig.
No, you don't look like a
pig.
[Indistinct shouting]
Pig.
[Indistinct shouting]
oink, oink.
[Indistinct shouting]
oink, oink.
Maybe we can regroup the
Oink, oink.
Maybe we can regroup the
discussion by running the
Maybe we can regroup the
discussion by running the
step-by-step structure of the
Discussion by running the
step-by-step structure of the
two-year plan, starting with
Step-by-step structure of the
two-year plan, starting with
minority rights.
Two-year plan, starting with
minority rights.
I'll handle this way my own
Minority rights.
I'll handle this way my own
way.
I'll handle this way my own
way.
You understand me?
Way.
You understand me?
Let me handle this.
You understand me?
Let me handle this.
Mr. Nkono, please.
Let me handle this.
Mr. Nkono, please.
Ian, come here.
Mr. Nkono, please.
Ian, come here.
Come on.
Ian, come here.
Come on.
Come on, we're gonna stay here
Come on.
Come on, we're gonna stay here
until we settle this.
Come on, we're gonna stay here
until we settle this.
We're gonna stay here till this
Until we settle this.
We're gonna stay here till this
is over.
We're gonna stay here till this
is over.
Are you ready?
Is over.
Are you ready?
♪ Getting to know you ♪
Are you ready?
♪ Getting to know you ♪
♪ getting to know all about
♪ Getting to know you ♪
♪ getting to know all about
you ♪
♪ Getting to know all about
you ♪
come on, you know the words.
You ♪
come on, you know the words.
♪ Getting to like you ♪
Come on, you know the words.
♪ Getting to like you ♪
♪ getting to hope you like me ♪
♪ Getting to like you ♪
♪ getting to hope you like me ♪
no, henry, henry, henry, as
♪ Getting to hope you like me ♪
no, henry, henry, henry, as
much as I enjoy these sessions,
No, henry, henry, henry, as
much as I enjoy these sessions,
I cannot accept more than two
Much as I enjoy these sessions,
I cannot accept more than two
years!
I cannot accept more than two
years!
Now that is what he promised
Years!
Now that is what he promised
before he came here.
Now that is what he promised
before he came here.
That's right, mr. Smith.
Before he came here.
That's right, mr. Smith.
You did say two years.
That's right, mr. Smith.
You did say two years.
Is that true, ian?
You did say two years.
Is that true, ian?
Yes, sir, I did, but... But
Is that true, ian?
Yes, sir, I did, but... But
these people are ill-fed,
Yes, sir, I did, but... But
these people are ill-fed,
shabbily dressed, poorly
These people are ill-fed,
shabbily dressed, poorly
educated.
Shabbily dressed, poorly
educated.
They count for a country now.
Educated.
They count for a country now.
12 Years.
They count for a country now.
12 Years.
No, pork face.
12 Years.
No, pork face.
The streets will run red with
No, pork face.
The streets will run red with
white man blood before.
The streets will run red with
white man blood before.
Well, you see, he feels
White man blood before.
Well, you see, he feels
strongly about this, ian.
Well, you see, he feels
strongly about this, ian.
You don't think I feel very
Strongly about this, ian.
You don't think I feel very
strongly about this?
You don't think I feel very
strongly about this?
My life is comfortable here.
Strongly about this?
My life is comfortable here.
I have a comfortable existence.
My life is comfortable here.
I have a comfortable existence.
I don't want to give it up.
I have a comfortable existence.
I don't want to give it up.
Five years.
I don't want to give it up.
Five years.
No, mr. Hung like a hamster.
Five years.
No, mr. Hung like a hamster.
You will hang by your peanut...
No, mr. Hung like a hamster.
You will hang by your peanut...
I think that mr. Kong nose
You will hang by your peanut...
I think that mr. Kong nose
here has overlooked the fact
I think that mr. Kong nose
here has overlooked the fact
that it was the white man who
Here has overlooked the fact
that it was the white man who
introduced civilization to
That it was the white man who
introduced civilization to
africa.
Introduced civilization to
africa.
Please, please.
Africa.
Please, please.
Remember, you have no choice,
Please, please.
Remember, you have no choice,
mr. Smith.
Remember, you have no choice,
mr. Smith.
Relax.
Mr. Smith.
Relax.
Just take it easy.
Relax.
Just take it easy.
Nonetheless...
Just take it easy.
Nonetheless...
Keep a song in your heart and
Nonetheless...
Keep a song in your heart and
a smile on your lips.
Keep a song in your heart and
a smile on your lips.
Gorilla nostrils here
A smile on your lips.
Gorilla nostrils here
should understand that there's
Gorilla nostrils here
should understand that there's
more to international diplomacy
Should understand that there's
more to international diplomacy
than merely spear-chucking.
More to international diplomacy
than merely spear-chucking.
If we don't reach an agreement
Than merely spear-chucking.
If we don't reach an agreement
soon, I'm going to bed.
If we don't reach an agreement
soon, I'm going to bed.
I'm going to sleep.
Soon, I'm going to bed.
I'm going to sleep.
No, not before I tell you
I'm going to sleep.
No, not before I tell you
about...
No, not before I tell you
about...
Excuse me for interrupting.
About...
Excuse me for interrupting.
Dr. Kissinger, may I have a word
Excuse me for interrupting.
Dr. Kissinger, may I have a word
with you alone?
Dr. Kissinger, may I have a word
with you alone?
All right.
With you alone?
All right.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
All right.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Give me those magazines.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Give me those magazines.
We're gonna talk for a little
Give me those magazines.
We're gonna talk for a little
while here.
We're gonna talk for a little
while here.
Enjoy yourselves.
While here.
Enjoy yourselves.
Here's a magazine for you.
Enjoy yourselves.
Here's a magazine for you.
And a playboy for you.
Here's a magazine for you.
And a playboy for you.
Just enjoy yourselves.
And a playboy for you.
Just enjoy yourselves.
I'll be right back.
Just enjoy yourselves.
I'll be right back.
What is it, jerk face?
I'll be right back.
What is it, jerk face?
Dr. Kissinger, perhaps you
What is it, jerk face?
Dr. Kissinger, perhaps you
can start describing the
Dr. Kissinger, perhaps you
can start describing the
economic sanctions we can impose
Can start describing the
economic sanctions we can impose
upon mr. Smith by instructing
Economic sanctions we can impose
upon mr. Smith by instructing
the discussion around the
Upon mr. Smith by instructing
the discussion around the
definition of majority rule.
The discussion around the
definition of majority rule.
Mr. Robinson, you are a
Definition of majority rule.
Mr. Robinson, you are a
diplomatic attaché.
Mr. Robinson, you are a
diplomatic attaché.
I am diplomacy.
Diplomatic attaché.
I am diplomacy.
I'm going to show you what
I am diplomacy.
I'm going to show you what
shuttle diplomacy is all about.
I'm going to show you what
shuttle diplomacy is all about.
Give me that pen.
Shuttle diplomacy is all about.
Give me that pen.
You can't look at a white man
Give me that pen.
You can't look at a white man
like that.
You can't look at a white man
like that.
I forbid it!
Like that.
I forbid it!
This is a white woman anyway.
I forbid it!
This is a white woman anyway.
I'm looking at her.
This is a white woman anyway.
I'm looking at her.
All right!
I'm looking at her.
All right!
All right, time out!
All right!
All right, time out!
Hold it!
All right, time out!
Hold it!
All right, come here, ian.
Hold it!
All right, come here, ian.
Come here.
All right, come here, ian.
Come here.
Over here.
Come here.
Over here.
Come on.
Over here.
Come on.
Nkono, come on.
Come on.
Nkono, come on.
Ready?
Nkono, come on.
Ready?
♪ All you need is love ♪
Ready?
♪ All you need is love ♪
♪ da da-da da-da ♪
♪ All you need is love ♪
♪ da da-da da-da ♪
♪ all you need is love ♪
♪ Da da-da da-da ♪
♪ all you need is love ♪
♪ da da-da da-da ♪
♪ All you need is love ♪
♪ da da-da da-da ♪
♪ all you need is love ♪
♪ ...that people are finally
getting together ♪
♪ reach out in the darkness ♪
Getting together ♪
♪ reach out in the darkness ♪
♪ reach out in the darkness ♪
♪ All we are saying ♪
♪ is give peace a chance ♪
♪ all we are saying ♪
♪ Is give peace a chance ♪
♪ all we are saying ♪
all right, I'll sign
♪ All we are saying ♪
all right, I'll sign
anything.
All right, I'll sign
anything.
I'll sign it.
Anything.
I'll sign it.
Sign it right there.
I'll sign it.
Sign it right there.
Sign it.
Sign it right there.
Sign it.
He signed it!
Sign it.
He signed it!
I did it!
He signed it!
I did it!
I did it again!
I did it!
I did it again!
I did it again!
I did it again!
I did it again!
I did it!
I did it again!
I did it!
Super!
I did it!
Super!
Ah, ladies and gentlemen of
Super!
Ah, ladies and gentlemen of
the press, I'm delighted to say
Ah, ladies and gentlemen of
the press, I'm delighted to say
that just a few moments ago,
The press, I'm delighted to say
that just a few moments ago,
mr. Ian smith has signed his
That just a few moments ago,
mr. Ian smith has signed his
subscription to playboy
Mr. Ian smith has signed his
subscription to playboy
magazine.
Subscription to playboy
magazine.
He made a sucker out of me.
Ladies and gentlemen... As
much as is wrong with the world,
I don't think anybody... Anybody
Much as is wrong with the world,
I don't think anybody... Anybody
has a right to have as good a
I don't think anybody... Anybody
has a right to have as good a
time as I've had this week.
Has a right to have as good a
time as I've had this week.
It's incredible.
Time as I've had this week.
It's incredible.
Uh, I've had more fun than I've
It's incredible.
Uh, I've had more fun than I've
ever had in my life.
Uh, I've had more fun than I've
ever had in my life.
I've been able to do everything
Ever had in my life.
I've been able to do everything
I've wanted... To work with all
I've been able to do everything
I've wanted... To work with all
these incredible sketch players,
I've wanted... To work with all
these incredible sketch players,
these fantastic actors.
These incredible sketch players,
these fantastic actors.
There's one thing they wouldn't
These fantastic actors.
There's one thing they wouldn't
let me do that I'd love to do.
There's one thing they wouldn't
let me do that I'd love to do.
I wanted to tell a joke, but
Let me do that I'd love to do.
I wanted to tell a joke, but
they said, "don't tell a joke
I wanted to tell a joke, but
they said, "don't tell a joke
joke."
They said, "don't tell a joke
joke."
And the reason I'm sure that
Joke."
And the reason I'm sure that
they don't want me to tell a
And the reason I'm sure that
they don't want me to tell a
joke is they're convinced, since
They don't want me to tell a
joke is they're convinced, since
I'm of my generation, it's gonna
Joke is they're convinced, since
I'm of my generation, it's gonna
be a square joke joke.
I'm of my generation, it's gonna
be a square joke joke.
But I'd really like to tell it.
Be a square joke joke.
But I'd really like to tell it.
May I tell this joke?
But I'd really like to tell it.
May I tell this joke?
[Cheers and applause]
May I tell this joke?
[Cheers and applause]
thank you!
[Cheers and applause]
thank you!
All right.
Thank you!
All right.
I have to have somebody help me,
All right.
I have to have somebody help me,
and just so they won't think
I have to have somebody help me,
and just so they won't think
it's anybody from my generation
And just so they won't think
it's anybody from my generation
helping me with this, let me
It's anybody from my generation
helping me with this, let me
have any young person here.
Helping me with this, let me
have any young person here.
Come on, first hand up.
Have any young person here.
Come on, first hand up.
Get up here.
Come on, first hand up.
Get up here.
Hurry up.
Get up here.
Hurry up.
Don't mean to hurry you, but I
Hurry up.
Don't mean to hurry you, but I
don't want this to be too long.
Don't mean to hurry you, but I
don't want this to be too long.
A hand and you didn't even do
Don't want this to be too long.
A hand and you didn't even do
anything yet.
A hand and you didn't even do
anything yet.
What's your name?
Anything yet.
What's your name?
Kate brecker.
What's your name?
Kate brecker.
Kate brecker, this is very,
Kate brecker.
Kate brecker, this is very,
very simple.
Kate brecker, this is very,
very simple.
We're gonna pretend we meet on
Very simple.
We're gonna pretend we meet on
the street.
We're gonna pretend we meet on
the street.
I'm gonna say to you, "hello,
The street.
I'm gonna say to you, "hello,
kate."
I'm gonna say to you, "hello,
kate."
You're gonna say, "hello,
Kate."
You're gonna say, "hello,
mr. Lear."
You're gonna say, "hello,
mr. Lear."
You're gonna ask me, "have I got
Mr. Lear."
You're gonna ask me, "have I got
any brothers?"
You're gonna ask me, "have I got
any brothers?"
I say, "yes, I have three
Any brothers?"
I say, "yes, I have three
brothers."
I say, "yes, I have three
brothers."
You're gonna ask me, "are they
Brothers."
You're gonna ask me, "are they
all bald?"
You're gonna ask me, "are they
all bald?"
And then I'm gonna tell the
All bald?"
And then I'm gonna tell the
joke.
And then I'm gonna tell the
joke.
"Have you got any brothers?"
Joke.
"Have you got any brothers?"
"Yes, I have three brothers."
"Have you got any brothers?"
"Yes, I have three brothers."
"Are they all bald?"
"Yes, I have three brothers."
"Are they all bald?"
Then I tell the joke, okay?
"Are they all bald?"
Then I tell the joke, okay?
Okay, very simple.
Then I tell the joke, okay?
Okay, very simple.
Hello, kate.
Okay, very simple.
Hello, kate.
Hello, mr. Lear.
Hello, kate.
Hello, mr. Lear.
Are they all bald?
Hello, mr. Lear.
Are they all bald?
Wait a second.
Are they all bald?
Wait a second.
Wait a minute.
Wait a second.
Wait a minute.
Did you put her up to it?
Wait a minute.
Did you put her up to it?
No, you're supposed to say,
Did you put her up to it?
No, you're supposed to say,
"have you got any brothers?"
No, you're supposed to say,
"have you got any brothers?"
"Yes, I have three brothers."
"Have you got any brothers?"
"Yes, I have three brothers."
Then you ask... Then you ask me,
"Yes, I have three brothers."
Then you ask... Then you ask me,
"are they all bald?"
Then you ask... Then you ask me,
"are they all bald?"
And then I tell the joke.
"Are they all bald?"
And then I tell the joke.
All right, somebody didn't want
And then I tell the joke.
All right, somebody didn't want
me to tell the joke around here.
All right, somebody didn't want
me to tell the joke around here.
Writers, lorne, somebody didn't
Me to tell the joke around here.
Writers, lorne, somebody didn't
want me to tell the joke.
Writers, lorne, somebody didn't
want me to tell the joke.
Are you for real?
Want me to tell the joke.
Are you for real?
I'll get it right this time.
Are you for real?
I'll get it right this time.
Are you gonna help me with
I'll get it right this time.
Are you gonna help me with
this?
Are you gonna help me with
this?
"Have you got any brothers?"
This?
"Have you got any brothers?"
"Yes, I have three brothers."
"Have you got any brothers?"
"Yes, I have three brothers."
"Are they all bald?"
"Yes, I have three brothers."
"Are they all bald?"
And then I'm gonna tell the
"Are they all bald?"
And then I'm gonna tell the
joke, okay?
And then I'm gonna tell the
joke, okay?
Don't get mixed up now.
Joke, okay?
Don't get mixed up now.
Hello, kate.
Don't get mixed up now.
Hello, kate.
Hello, mr. Lear.
Hello, kate.
Hello, mr. Lear.
"Have you got three brothers?"
Hello, mr. Lear.
"Have you got three brothers?"
Yes, I have any broth...
"Have you got three brothers?"
Yes, I have any broth...
No, I mean really.
Yes, I have any broth...
No, I mean really.
This is... This could drive a
No, I mean really.
This is... This could drive a
fella crazy.
This is... This could drive a
fella crazy.
You're supposed to say, "have
Fella crazy.
You're supposed to say, "have
you got any brothers?"
You're supposed to say, "have
you got any brothers?"
"Yes, I have three brothers."
You got any brothers?"
"Yes, I have three brothers."
"Are they all bald?"
"Yes, I have three brothers."
"Are they all bald?"
And then I tell the joke.
"Are they all bald?"
And then I tell the joke.
Have you got any brothers?
And then I tell the joke.
Have you got any brothers?
Yes, I have three brothers.
Have you got any brothers?
Yes, I have three brothers.
Okay.
Yes, I have three brothers.
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
Okay?
One more mistake and it's over
Okay?
One more mistake and it's over
and I know it's their fault.
One more mistake and it's over
and I know it's their fault.
Hello, kate.
And I know it's their fault.
Hello, kate.
Hello, mr, lear.
Hello, kate.
Hello, mr, lear.
Yes, I have three... Oh, no.
Hello, mr, lear.
Yes, I have three... Oh, no.
You did it this time.
Yes, I have three... Oh, no.
You did it this time.
No, no, no.
You did it this time.
No, no, no.
I've got to explain to the
No, no, no.
I've got to explain to the
audience.
I've got to explain to the
audience.
I really wanted to tell this
Audience.
I really wanted to tell this
joke, and I have been telling
I really wanted to tell this
joke, and I have been telling
this joke for a lot of years.
Joke, and I have been telling
this joke for a lot of years.
It's started when I told it to
This joke for a lot of years.
It's started when I told it to
my daughter who was 5 years old
It's started when I told it to
my daughter who was 5 years old
13 years ago.
My daughter who was 5 years old
13 years ago.
And I used to yell at her and
13 Years ago.
And I used to yell at her and
scream at her when she would
And I used to yell at her and
scream at her when she would
make the mistakes, and the
Scream at her when she would
make the mistakes, and the
audience was always on her side.
Make the mistakes, and the
audience was always on her side.
It's 13 years later.
Audience was always on her side.
It's 13 years later.
She's 18 years old, and this is
It's 13 years later.
She's 18 years old, and this is
my daughter kate.
She's 18 years old, and this is
my daughter kate.
[Applause]
My daughter kate.
[Applause]
now help me with this.
[Applause]
now help me with this.
Thank you.
Now help me with this.
Thank you.
Now here is this week's home
Thank you.
Now here is this week's home
movie.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank
you very much for the most
wonderful... Thank you all.
Get well, chevy!
Get well, chevy!
Announcer: next week's host
On "saturday night" will be
Eric idle of the "monty python's
Flying circus."
His musical guest will be
Joe cocker.
The opinions expressed on this
Tv program are not necessarily
Shared by your announcer,
Don pardo.
After all, I do have an image to
Maintain, really.
02x02 - Norman Lear/Boz Scaggs
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The show's comedy sketches, which often parody contemporary American culture and politics, are performed by a large and varying cast of repertory and newer cast members.
The show's comedy sketches, which often parody contemporary American culture and politics, are performed by a large and varying cast of repertory and newer cast members.