Christmas Caper (2007)

[bunniefuu]

We're good.

Your talent for breaking and
entering is unmatched, Katherine.

I had a good teacher.
Taught me everything he knows.

Not everything, there's
still one lesson left.

Clive, I already told you,
I'd only break your heart.

Hm.

[tinkling]

[dog whimpers]

Company.

Hey, you.

[whimpers happily]

Central, we've
got Mr. Thurgood.

Okay.

Ah.

Cleopatra's Eye.
It is beautiful.

Good evening, sir.

Getting to feel a lot
like Christmas now, Ronnie.

[barks]

Hey, get your own
meal together.

[snarls]

I'll get that.
You finish up here.

By the way, Catherine, final lesson:
never trust a thief.

Oh no.

[man laughing]

Hold it
right there!

[alarm ringing]

[beeps]

(guard)
Son of a...!

(Cate, panting)
Oh no, you didn't!

[muttering]

(male voice)
Ladies and gentlemen,

you're gonna
have to sit tight.

Nothing is leaving the
Bahamas until the storm passes.

However, we're offering a
complimentary champagne breakfast

for any inconvenience.

[muttering]

(female voice) I don't
have another babysitter.

Yeah, I know we said
we'd be home today, Verda,

Brian's working
on it now.

Yes, no, I realize you
have plans for the holidays.

Maybe you could just
put them off a day or so.

I'll call you back.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe...
I can't believe that

you took me on a company retreat
the week before Christmas.

So this is my fault.
You know what? You're right.

What was I thinking?
I should have known

that a tropical depression was gonna
form in the Caribbean, is that it?

Well, statistically speaking... -

Sorry, what are we
gonna do, Brian?

It's a week before Christmas,
who's gonna stay with the kids?

What about your parents?

Senior's cruise.

[Caribbean music]

Okay, okay, think.

Think, who was smarter than us and
stayed home the week before Christmas?

We're gonna find someone,
it's gonna be okay.

How can you be so calm?
Aren't you worried?

Of course I am.
Give me a page out of your book.

Really? Eleven
relatives in town?

Well, Annie and Parker,
they don't take up much room

and they
love leftovers.

I realize that Parker
sold your dog on eBay

but in his defense,
he got such a good price.

No, really, no need to explain,
it's bad timing.

Annie just adores
your little... Emily.

They would have
such a... is that so?

When Annie called her smallminded

she meant it in a really
positive way. Okay.

You're out
of town, okay.

Wait, didn't I dial
your home number?

Isn't that your
dog barking?

It's a gas leak, so,
laughing gas or...

The flu, huh? And what
are your symptoms exactly?

[sigh]

There's no one
left to call.

There is one person
we haven't tried.

Who?

Oh! No, you
can't be serious.

What other option
do we have?

She is
completely unreliable.

Beggars can't
be choosers!

She's selfish and
impossible to talk to.

It's only for
a couple of days.

I told you that
guy was no good.

Really not
helping, Duffy.

(female voice)
Excuse me, portable phones?

Aisle eight, Ma'am.

Don't you think it's time you give
up your job here at The Big Buy?

Why? To give up
my insurance benefits?

Maybe I could have
taken early retirement

if you'd come through
on this diamond but...

now I'm gonna be hustling
DVD players off the loading docks

for the next years.
If I'm lucky.

I never promised you that
you could fence the diamond.

I said I'd introduce you to Clive,
that's all.

Still, it's a
little disappointing.

Anyway, you're gonna need to lay
low till this thing blows over.

[cell phone rings]

This better be
you, Clive.

No, Cate, it's
your sister.

Savannah, can
I call you back?

You know I wouldn't
call you unless I needed your help.

What do you know?
Miss Goody Two-Shoes needs help

from her no-good sister.
What's going on?

Well, it looks like Brian and I
are stuck in the Bahamas

and our babysitter can't
watch Annie and Parker.

I need you to stay with the kids,
just for a few days till we get back.

You know how I feel
about coming home.

Besides, I don't
think I can.

Cate!

What?

(female announcer, TV)
Young woman possibly '" with dark hair.

Authorities say it's just a matter
of time for the brazen thief...

Um, on second thought a hometown
visit might be just what I need.

Merry Christmas.

Hm, for you, maybe.

(female sings)
Jingle bells, jingle bells,

jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it will be

to get out of
here today, hey!

(girl's voice)
Verda! Verda!

Verda!!

Whoo!

The kitchen's
on fire!

Whoo!
Whoo!

[panting and coughing]
Get back!

[chuckling]

You little...

[grr]

That's so
not funny, Parker.

[claps]

Not bad. Grade school inspiration
but I'll give you an A for execution.

Parker did it.

Rule one: never
flip on a partner.

Aunt Cate,
is that you?

The one and only.

What are you
doing here?

I'm here
to babysit.

Mom wouldn't
do that.

Oh, but
she did.

Have a great holiday.
Check is in the mail,

etcetera, etcetera,
see ya.

Those children are
the spawn of Satan.

Yeah, we like
to think so.

Yes.

Okay, bye.
Bye.

You're smaller
than I remember.

We're not small.
We both rank

in the th percentile,
in the hight chart.

That's perfectly normal.

Smaller and argumentative.
Don't worry, kid,

I'm only here until your parents get
back or something fresh hits the news.

As long as you
stay out of my way,

I'll stay out of yours, deal?
Awesome!

Have it your way.

This is gonna be so cool.

[pop song,
female voice sings]

Very chic, Savannah.
Hm.

What am I?
In the cent store?

What are you doing?

So staying out of each other's
way is off the table, huh?

Are those my
Mom's slippers?

Yeah, so?

They don't
belong to you.

And your point is?

Taking things that don't
belong to you is wrong.

What are you?
The Slipper Police?

No.

Is there anything else that I can
help you with, little uptight person?

We're hungry.
It's meatloaf night.

We have meatloaf
every Thursday.

Sounds good.
Let me know when it's ready.

[song continues]

[beeping]

Aunt Cate!
Aunt Cate!

Yes?

I think I
started a fire!

You know, your brother really
needs to come up with a new gag.

What? It
wasn't me.

Come on!
Come on!

Don't I know you?
Yes! You're a legend!

You stole the school mascot
when my sister was a senior.

Sorry, it wasn't me.

Besides, I didn't steal the mascot,
I just set him free.

Can I ask you
a question?

I'm not really a big
fan of questions.

Why don't you ever
come see us?

That's easy.
I don't like it here.

What's not
to like?

Mm, the house, the dog, the . kids,
the whole stagnant prepackaged existence.

We don't
have a dog.

And there's
only two of us.

You're missing
the point.

Just the name of the
town alone, Comfort.

Can you think of anything more Skippy
doodle propaganda- riddled than that?

[Christmas carol
music from TV]

What's with you?

I miss Christmas.

It's only a couple of days away,
I think you'll make it.

I mean, it doesn't
feel like Christmas.

It hasn't snowed,
Mom and Dad aren't here,

we don't even have
a Christmas tree.

We always decorate
the house as a family.

Don't you ever miss Christmas
in Comfort, Aunt Cate?

Nope.

How come?

I don't really believe in Christmas.
Not anymore, at least.

Mom said when you left here,
you lost your heart.

Well, we can't always be
perfect like your mom, can we?

Only room for one
of those in a family.

Where do you
think you're going?

Out.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Is that right?

Knock yourself out.

That's it?
No words of wisdom?

Don't do anything
I wouldn't do?

Is that enough
wisdom for ya?

Don't worry,
he'll be fine.

Nothing ever goes down in this town.
Mm.

Here it comes.
Everybody hugs,

Merry Christmas to all.
Everyone lives happily ever after.

Like that ever
happens, right?

[cell phone rings]

Talk to me.

It's Cate.
I can't take it here.

It's like I've died and my
past has come back to haunt me.

Aw, that's a great idea for a book.

What's that noise?

What? Oh,
it's the janitor.

What're you doing
at work this late?

Granny kicked
me out.

It's about time,
what did you do?

Nothing, Granny's got
another new boyfriend.

Duffy, I need
your help.

You do realize that your
face is all over the news.

It's like you're famous,
or is it infamous?

I think it's infamous
because it's a bad thing.

Duffy?
Concentrate.

Get a pen and
write these down.

Byron Fitzgerald. Dashiell Henry,
and sometimes Henry Crane.

Those are
Clive's aliases.

Put the word out for him and don't
forget to check five-star hotels.

The good life
is his weakness.

[siren wails]

They found me!

Okay! Whatever you do,
do not tell them

that I am here,
okay, understand?

What do you want
me to say?

I don't know!
Just make something up!

(male voice)
Evening, Annie. Your folks at home?

Nope, but Aunt Cate is.
She told me not to tell you

but it would be wrong to lie.
Don't you think?

Yes, it would. Why don't you
go run and tell your Aunt Cate

that I know she's here?
Okay?

Aunt Cate!
He knows you're here!

[chuckles]
Thank you.

[chuckles]
Okay, you win.

Hello, Cate.

You totally had me
with that outfit.

And this, I mean,
obviously a fake.

It's not a fake, Cate.
I'm the sheriff in Comfort now.

Didn't you hear?

I thought
Savannah was kidding.

Although now
that I think of it,

that would be pretty
out of character for her.

They gave
you a g*n?

Yeah, that's usually how it works.

Now I'm all like
[sh**ting sounds].

Hilarious.

Um listen, we need to talk.

The fact that we dated for four
years means absolutely nothing now?

Touching that you
remember but it was five.

Four and
three quarters.

No way.

Yes way.

Okay, you're right.

Anyway, that's irrelevant.

It doesn't have to be.

I'm not anymore.
It's not that easy.

Can't really blame a girl for trying.
[sigh]

I caught him cracking the valve
on the hydrant on Olive and Main.

Water caused an ice
slick on the road.

It could've caused
a nasty fender bender.

Wait, wait, this is about a prank?

Parker's lucky someone didn't
get hurt. It's not funny.

Of course.
Upstairs! Now!

The Hank Harrison I knew
invented the hydrant gag.

Now you're busting kids for it?
What happened?

You invented
the hydrant gag.

And I grew up,
that's what happened.

You certainly did.
Quite nicely, I might add.

Coercing an officer, Cate?
Careful, I may need to arrest you.

Arrest? Um, I think I should go.
Actually...

Maybe you
should go.

Why? What's
the hurry?

Let's have lunch sometime.
Coffee! A donut maybe.

Okay, you're up
to something.

Why do you
say that?

You're doing
that thing.

What thing?

Tucking your hair
behind your ear.

You do it every time you're
guilty about something.

I do not.

Now you're lying.
You're fidgeting.

Okay. Call me. Bye.

Okay.

Nice seeing
you again.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Before you k*ll me,
just hear me out.

Fine, you've got
seconds.

I feel like
I can't live up.

I'm struggling under the
weight of modern peer pressure.

Okay, I'm exerting my
own social independence.

Too much v*olence
on television?

Four more seconds.

You said not to do
anything you wouldn't do.

The way I hear it, you weren't exactly
an [inaudible] either back in the day.

Time's up. Fine.
You got me on a technicality.

Don't ever put me
in that position again.

Do you know what'd happen
if Hank had realized...?

Realized what?

That you're a delinquent,
is what.

Don't let me catch you
leaving the house again.

This is gonna
be so cool!

[alarm clock buzzes]

Run! I clipped
the wrong wire!

[gasp]

You scared me.

It's a school day.

I don't go to
school anymore.

No, but we do. You need to
make sure we get dressed,

eat a healthy breakfast, brush
our teeth for . minutes,

pack us a balanced lunch
and drive us to school.

Mom keeps a typed
record of our schedules.

Parker's is highlighted in
orange, I'm pink, of course,

Likes, dislikes. Dietary
restrictions. Our activities.

Feel free to refer
to it at any time.

Two words, Annie,
Hooky day.

Parker! Aunt Cate says
we can stay home all day!

We'll read books, and
bake cookies and play...

There's a word for people
like you, Aunt Cate.

What word is
that exactly?

Cranky.

I'm not cranky,
I'm just not a morning person.

Take your
balanced lunches.

Awesome.

There you go.
Oh, Annie, what time do I pick you up?

Where'd you put
Mom's schedule?

Cut me a break.

School's out at three but we...

Okay, enough, thank
you very much, bye.

[school bell rings]

The beauty of this puppy
here is how comfortable it is.

Kids fall asleep at
the drop of a dime.

My kid actually cries
when I take him off of it.

Uh, Billy, that's
his, his name,

yeah, he's the
apple of my eye.

His, um, [clears throat]
his mother left us.

It's actually quite
a tragic tale.

Say, do you wanna
go for coffee?

There's just something about you
that makes me feel kinda vulnerable.

Okay, I'm here
Open to Close.

Seven days a week!
[cell rings]

Duffster.

(Cate)
Please tell me you've found Clive.

I actually did a
carpool this morning.

Look, I've called
everyone I know.

The word's out,
what more can I do?

I dumped every dime I had into
setting up that score, Duffy.

I need to find Clive and
I need to find the diamond.

Look, you know as well as I
do that a guy like Clive Henry

doesn't get found
unless he wants to be.

I also know that Clive hates
hanging onto hot goods.

It makes him anxious.
He'll fence the diamond

and when he does,
we're gonna be there.

I hate to rain on
your parade but

you're gonna have to
come up with a Plan B:

you're too hot to
come back in the city.

Well, I'm not
staying here.

Look, all I'm saying
is do what you do best.

Throw together
a score, get money,

that way, if we
don't find Clive,

you'll have a little nest
egg to get started again with.

I'll see what
I can do.

Call me if you find out anything,
alright? Anything at all.

Yes!
[beep]

[little girls laughing]

Dirtbag.

Multiple offending
dirtbag.

Good morning, Gary.

Morning.

Anything interesting
on there today?

Ah, the usual. There was one
APB that caught my eye, though.

A jewel heist in the
city the other night.

NYPD's casting
a wide net.

Is that so?
Wow, well you keep on top of that, okay?

Will do, Sheriff.

In the meantime,
if we could catch up

on the backlogged files,
that'd be great.

Or, I could...

Filing it is, Sheriff.

Thank you, Gary.

Dirtbag.

Hello, .

Hi there, Catie!
It's me, Holly!

Holly Bishop.
Holly Barnes, now.

I was on drill
team, remember?

You stole our uniforms out of
the locker room on homecoming day.

I did?

So you're in
from the city, huh?

It's been a long time.

Right, well, here's a little something
to welcome you back to Comfort.

So...

So...

Well,

I'm President of the neighborhood
association's Christmas committee.

Of course you are.

Looks like the Christmas spirit forgot
to pay a visit to the Cooper house.

Savannah did tell you she's hosting
the Christmas party, didn't she?

Yeah, of course
she did!

It's in two days.

Don't worry about a thing.
She'll be back.

And, you know, excuse me,
it's been really fun

but I kinda have
to wash my hair.

Oh!

Okay, see you tomorrow.
Bye-bye.

[Caribbean music playing]

[chatter]

Everyone!
Gather round!

Psst! What
are you doing?

Come on.

We're all
feeling tense,

and I think what we need to do
is to come together as a group.

Maybe relax with
some Christmas carols.

Come on, everybody, he's right.
A little singing may do us good.

It's "boughs"
of holly.

Tell him
how it goes!

Stop it!
It's Fa la la!

Not Tra la la la!
Deck the halls, not deck the "mall. "

You just got
it all wrong!

[howling wind
and thunder]

[laughter]

Now that's entertainment.

(woman) I ended up getting
the bicycle and helmet.

My husband'd be furious if
he knew how much I spent.

I had to wait in line for five
hours to get Britney's doll.

It was the
last one.

The man behind me
offered me $ for it!

Overpriced toys,
electronics and bling.

These are a few of
their stealable things.

[peal of thunder]

Come in.
[beeping]

Come on,
come on.

Come on,
come on,

[beeping]

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

[phone rings]

Hello?

Don't you
sound happy.

Hey! Did you get a flight out yet?

No, not yet, not until
this storm passes.

So, how's it going?

Honestly, I don't know how you live
here, it's as bad as I remember.

Is it that bad?

Savannah, I'm
sorry, it's okay.

No, it's
not okay!

I can't believe I
did this to my kids!

What, subject them to their
awful influence of an aunt?

That's not
what I said.

Tell me
something, Savannah.

How many people did you
call before you called me?

What number was
I on your list?

That many, huh?

[sigh]
Look, could we not get into this?

I really wanna talk to Annie and
Parker and see how they're doing.

Why aren't you at
choir with Annie?

It's :.
They don't get out till .

Choir was at
:, Cate!

They got out early,
last day before break!

Didn't you look
at my schedule?

Cate!

[static on phone]
Savannah, you hear me?

[static]
Savannah, you there?

Cate?!

Ooh!

[grr]

[panting]

I'm late for Christmas choir now!

Lighten up,
it was a mistake.

I gave you
the schedule.

(Grimes)
Miss Dove.

Principal Grimes.
It's been a long time.

Not nearly
long enough.

What's with you
and Grimes?

Oh, you know,
the usual.

Hoisted his toupee up
a flagpole one year,

hid it in the cafeteria
mac and cheese another,

I think there was even a
toilet involved at one point.

Principal Grimes
doesn't wear a toupee.

Not anymore, he doesn't.
Not after the toilet incident anyway.

That's awesome.

Yeah, I
know, right?

I think it's mean.

No, no, trust me,
he deserved it.

He was always treating
me like I was a bad kid.

It was totally unfair.

You did that
stuff, didn't you?

So?

So how is
that unfair?

She's a real buzz-k*ll.

Tell me
about it.

[choir sings]

You're totally
lip-syncing.

Am not.

Are too!

Snitch!

Faker.

Is everything
alright, Annie?

Don't do it.

(teacher)
Annie?

She isn't singing.

[all gasp]

Unbelievable.

Well dear, Cate is
filling in for your mother.

She hasn't caroled with
us for quite a while, so,

why don't we give her a chance to
find her voice again, shall we?

Let's take it
from the top.

So you'd like a new little dolly
for Christmas, is that right?

Well, I think you've been a very good girl,
I bet I can get you that, okay?

Okay, thank you for
coming to visit me.

Ho, ho, ho!
I think I know this little girl!

Go!

And this
little boy.

You ready?

I am.

Peace on earth, halt to global
warming, universal health care,

and if you don't mind,
I'd really appreciate you getting

my parents home in
time for Christmas.

My Aunt Cate isn't very
good at the holiday stuff.

We don't even have a tree up yet,
if you can believe it.

Whoa, not a good
move, dude.

Oh, Hank, come on,
he was just playing.

He was stealing the
candy cane, Cate.

You know it
and I know it.

Okay. He's sorry, but really,
sugar makes people do crazy things.

You're sorry, right?

No.

See? He's
sorry, let's go.

Hold on a second.

There is one question that
has been nagging me for years.

I can't wait to
hear this.

Does Santa wear
boxers or briefs?

[children's laughter]

Ho, ho, ho! She's
a naughty little girl!

Santa won't be visiting
your house this year!

(Cate)
Meet me back here later.

[tired sigh]

Well, you certainly
haven't changed.

Why thank you.

It wasn't
a compliment.

You never were
big on compliments.

"You're not prom
material, Cate. "

Not what I said, and that's
completely unfair, and you know it.

You took Cindy Kirk to the prom.
How am I being unfair?

You told me you
didn't want to go.

I was giving you an out.
I didn't think you'd actually take it.

I can't believe
you're mad about this.

I am not the one who
packed up and left town

the day after graduation
and never came back.

Laugh away,
great, very nice.

I'm sorry. It's just that when
I imagined this conversation,

it didn't involve you
in a Santa costume.

But you imagined it?

Yes. And I was very composed
and I had fantastic hair.

And how did
it end?

With you, on your
knees, apologizing.

Me? Apologizing?
What about you?

Me?

Yeah.

Hi, Hank.
Hi, Caty.

Am I
interrupting something?

Yes.

No.

Oh, you two.
Just like old times.

Bicker, bicker,
kiss, kiss.

Uh, I gotta get going.
My public awaits.

Ho, ho, ho.

So, Savannah
and Brian.

Yeah, what about them?

Are they gonna make it
in time for the party?

It doesn't really look like it.
They're still stuck in the Bahamas.

I figured as much.
The neighborhood association discussed it,

and we all agreed, if you'd prefer to
cancel we would be totally okay with that.

That would probably
be for the best.

Of course,
I mean... you?

Having the whole
neighborhood over for a party?

I'm not really
the party type.

Did you just say
"the whole neighborhood"?

All out of their
houses at the same time?

That's what we
call a party.

And at this party they would expect what?
Food, music, and drinks?

Games are always a hit.

Don't push it.

[gasp]

You know what?
The party's still on.

Excellent!
I'll alert the troops.

While you do that,
I'll do a little recon.

Are you sure your Mom got your
Dad a high-Def plasma screen?

Excellent choice.

Spoil yourself.
Tell your wife that you want...

no, that you need that
new set of golf clubs.

She deserves a
diamond watch.

She did give you
a wonderful child,

so the store is right
here, on the right.

First store up, we'll just go
right there, pick one up. Okay!

How are your
grandkids, Mrs. Bradley?

They're doing
great, dear.

Still living at the house
on Sycamore, the blue house?

That's right, dear.

Nice seeing you.

You too, Cate.
Bye-bye.

Auntie Claus is
coming to town.

There you go.
Water.

Blankey.
Animal.

Night light.

One more thing.

Okay, fine.

[crashing and splintering]

You're not very good
at this, are you?

(Cate)
You know what your problem is?

You told me.
I'm a delinquent.

You keep getting caught.
That's your problem.

You really gotta work on your moves.
Today was an embarrassment.

Here. See if
you can get this.

I mean, you are
worse than I thought!

Here.
Hide it.

Watch and learn... oh!

Oh! Are
you okay?

[sigh]

How'd you
do that?

Simple. Create a diversion and
follow with a single fluid motion.

It is all in
the diversion.

You try it.

Ow, my knee!

Better, huh?

Where'd you learn
to do that?

From this guy I know.
Sort of a mentor. Best in the business.

What business is that?

Sales. Why? What did
your mother tell you?

She didn't
tell me anything.

Oh, good. So anyway, if you
could see this guy in action...

Excuse me, I believe
these are your glasses.

Sorry, those
aren't mine.

Sure.

Season's Greeting.

[beep]

Ah!
Ow! Ow!

I hear you been
looking for me.

Cut to the chase, what
can I help you with?

I heard about what happened
with Cate and the diamond.

Yeah.

I still want in.
I know you think I'm smalltime,

but I can get you top dollar and I've got
a very serious buyer waiting in the wings.

I want in
the game.

I'm at the Windsor.
I'm taking bids

on the morning of the th.
You got one shot at this.

Don't disappoint.

[gasps]

Hey!

What's wrong?

Parker just stole
that candy.

Annie, do you realize how much
they charge for that piece of candy?

Almost a buck.
Know how much it cost to make?

A dime. Tops.
I mean, that's a cent profit.

Now that's stealing.
Parker, he's just evening the score.

It's like you
read my mind.

What about
the candy makers?

The who?

The people who make the candy.
They need money. Don't they?

For food and clothes?
And Christmas presents for their kids.

Mom says when you take something
that doesn't belong to you,

you hurt people
inside their hearts.

Your Mom always was a know-it-all.
Candy makers, who ever heard of such a thing?

Alright.

What are we
gonna do?

Mom's ornaments are
still in the box,

we don't have a tree, or the
lights up, it's gonna be terrible!

Okay, take a deep
breath, in...

out.

In.

Out. Help your brother
unpack the groceries.

I'm gonna go pay a visit
to Sister Christmas,

see if she can
help us out.

Here you go.

Parker!

[knocks]
Holly?

Holly?

In here!

Wow,

I was expecting mistletoe and
mince pie and instead I find...

Nothing. I like to wait until
Christmas Eve to decorate the inside.

Really?

Okay, fine, I'm having
a crappy Christmas.

Is that a crime?

Well, if it were
I'd be doing time.

This is the worst
Christmas ever!

Okay, are you gonna
tell me what's going on?

Mark left me.
There, I said it. He left me.

And now he's vacationing in
Maui with the kids and Yvette.

Who?

Yvette, the Pilates instructor
he left me for in September.

He's moving in with her when he
gets back and everyone will know!

Nobody knows?

[whispers]
I'm so ashamed.

Wait, why are
you ashamed?

Honestly, I can't believe
you married that guy...

Mark Barnes, he was always
such a meathead.

Holly, I'm sorry. Listen, these things happen.
I know exactly how you feel.

You do?

Well, sure. Just a few days ago,
I had a guy take off on me.

Bad breakup, huh?

Yeah, you could
say that.

You know,

you've done pretty
well for yourself.

Mark's the breadwinner.

Don't do that.

What?

Give him
the credit.

You are a very
strong, capable woman.

I am?

Yes! And we women have to
take charge of our own lives.

If there's one thing
I'm not, it's a victim.

Fashion victim, maybe.

In the interest of sisterhood,
I'm just gonna ignore that.

I'm sorry. It
just came out.

You know what you need? You need
to keep busy. Preoccupy yourself.

You're right.

Why don't you help me get
ready for the Christmas party,

not that I need your help or
anything but to distract you.

I don't know.
[sigh]

Okay, fine.
We'll play games.

Oh!

Hey, what are you doing here?

Well, there wasn't much I could do
about world peace and global warming

on such short notice, but I
thought the least Santa could do

was make Annie's Christmas
wish for a tree come true.

It's all they had left.
This side's pretty good.

It's great.
Thank you.

(Cate)
There's not much time on the clock,

Holly, since I can't boil water,
you're in charge of finger foods.

Right.

Parker, I want you and
Hank to trim the tree.

I mean decorate it
not burn it down.

Fine.

Annie, write invitations that
even Scrooge couldn't refuse,

reminding people that
the party is still on.

Do you want it
in verse or prose?

English will be
fine, thanks.

What are you
gonna do?

Fine! I'll string lights.
Okay, ready? Ready!

Oh!

Everybody ready?

It's not how
Mom does it.

You know what, Annie?
Your mom is great at a lot of things

and your Aunt Cate, she's got a way
about her that's pretty cool too.

Let's do this.

(all)
One,

two,

three!

I love it!

The disco ball might be a bit much.

I really appreciate
what you did today.

It was great hanging out with
you again. Felt like old times.

Yeah, it's that we were decorating
trees instead of stealing them.

I secretly had your
record expunged of that.

How sweet.

Thank you.

[Annie screams]
Parker! Stop that!

Aunt Cate!

I think that's
my cue.

Yeah.

Okay.

Good night.

[cell phone rings]

Hello?

(Duffy)
Where've you been?

I've been calling
you all day.

Don't give me a hard time, Duff.
I'm exhausted.

I found Clive!

(Cate)
Alright, listen closely.

We're in the city
on top secret business.

That's all that
I can tell you.

What kind
of business?

Like spy-top secret?

Let's say I'm dealing with the
recovery of a family heirloom.

Our family heirloom?
Is it worth a lot of money?

Like gold bars
and jewels?

Yes, yes, no.
Yes, yes, no.

That's one too many yes and nos.
I counted.

Can we go check
new video games?

No.

Why?

Because I
said so!

Oh!
[chuckling]

Well, no one's gonna recognize
you in that disguise.

Uh, suburban housewife?

Is this your friend,
Aunt Cate?

Kids, Duffy.
Duffy, kids.

I'm Annie. Annie Cooper.
This is my brother Parker.

Hey, man.

Hey, man.

Aunt Cate says New York is the
greatest city in the world.

Aunt Cate!

Can it!

She said that Comfort is for bottomfeeders.
hat's where we live.

Didn't your mother ever tell
you not to talk to strangers?

You. Take your sister to the video
game aisle. No messing around.

Uh-uh, that way!

Alright, where
is he?

You do realize this is a long shot?
Getting the diamond back?

I do hope you have
a backup plan here.

This is the score I came up with,
if we don't find Clive.

Oh. Alright.
You deliver me this, I'll get you top dollar.

Nice work,
by the way.

This is a last
resort, Duffy.

The plan is to get
the diamond back.

Alright then,
let's do it.

You guys, stay here.
I'm gonna go track him down.

Whoa, wait. You're
gonna leave me with them?

You'll manage.

But...

What's your
full name?

Duffy Darwin Bromowitz.

How old are you?

. Okay,
I'm .

Where were you born?

New Jersey.

Apartment?

House.

Married?

Single.

Do you have
a roommate?

My grandmother.

Ooh.

Sometimes it takes a person
a while to find themselves.

What about
your parents?

They're divorced.

How do you feel
about that?

[mutters]

You are
so predictable.

Do I know you?

So help me, Clive, if you tell
me I look like a soccer mom...

Don't make a
scene, Catherine.

You double-crossed me,
how could you?

[loud voices approaching]

Hey! I told you
to wait in the lobby!

You! I
shoulda known.

I can't take it, they're all over the place,
I'm afraid I'm gonna lose one.

I'm just not good
with babies.

Besides, this one kinda scares me.
Just call me later.

We're not babies!

Just sit there
and be quiet.

Pulling another job, Catherine?
Something involving small spaces?

They're not elves, Clive,
they're children.

And I'm just here to collect what's mine.
What you took from me.

I'm afraid that
isn't possible.

I thought we
were friends.

Did I ever tell you the fable
about the tortoise and the scorpion?

I'm really not in the mood to hear
one of your stories right now, so, mm.

They too were friends.
One day the friends came upon a river,

and the scorpion cried out,
"I don't know how to swim. "

The tortoise offered,
"I'll carry you but you mustn't sting me. "

The scorpion agreed, so the tortoise
carried him across the river.

Know what happened when
they reached the other side?

He stung his friend.

With his last dying breath, the
tortoise asked the scorpion why.

Know what
the scorpion said?

You're a jerk?

"Because it's
my nature. "

It's my nature.
Yours too. We can't help ourselves.

I've done some bad
things in my life.

But I would never ever leave my
partner behind to get caught.

It wasn't my intention,

just delayed while I made
away with the diamond.

I deserve my share.

You're right.

I am?

But it's not
gonna be so easy.

All or nothing.
Agreed?

Like I have
a choice.

Keep your eyes
on the prize.

Annie, Parker, watch
the middle one.

Don't take your eyes
off it for a second.

Well?

The one on
the left.

(Parker)
It's on the right.

Congratulations,
Catherine.

Your lesson
is completed.

Careless little...

Don't you dare.

Careful, you don't want me
to do something you'll regret.

You are a
wanted woman.

Kids, it's time for us to go.
This isn't over.

In the real story,
the scorpion stung the turtle

halfway across the river,
and they both drowned.

The scorpion was
his own worst enemy.

(Cate)
So there's a fifty in it

for anyone who's willing to
pretend this day never happened.

Done.

I'm in.

You okay?

I'll be fine. It would've been
nice to get the thing back.

Almost enough to make me
believe in Christmas again.

Hey, now make sure
they're close together.

They're pretty
close together.

That looks nice.

Hey!

Hey.

Where you been?

Uh, just
running errands.

'Cause I was wondering if I could
steal you away for a little bit.

Um, well, we have a
party to get ready for.

Go, I've got it
under control.

Hold out
your hand.

Why?

Just do it.

Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.

What is this?

You'll see.
Come on.

Parker. Annie.
Start stringing.

Oh cool!

Wait right here.

[click]

[soft music]

It's prom.

May I have this dance?

You didn't
have to do this.

Yes, I did. I'm sorry I
never took you to prom, Cate.

I know.

I really think you
should apologize now.

What?

Not dying your shoes to match
your outfit. I mean, please!

Oh! You realize you just
assaulted an officer. Ow.

Now that's
assaulting an officer.

(male voice) What's going on here?
This wasn't authorized!

Who is that?

Not authorized?
Nice. Now what?

Now we run.

Come on.

I can't believe
it's still there.

I come by once in a
while, polish it up.

[chuckles]
Right! So what? You never got married?

No. Came close once or
twice but it never stuck.

You?

You know me. Not really
the ball-and-chain type.

I like to keep
my options open.

[chokes and coughs]

Easy, tiger.
You alright?

Um... yeah.
I just need to use the restroom.

I had none of
your ice cream.

Oh, you
had better not.

Where were we?

Four peanuts for you.

And four
peanuts for you.

I'm gonna need more than four nuts.

I'm sorry, but
everybody gets four.

Sorry, but I don't
remember voting you leader.

But this may be the only
food we have for a while.

[snorts]
Lady, you're nuts.

[stammers]
Look what you've done!

Savannah.
Snap out of it, honey.

I know you like having things just so,
but life doesn't work like that.

Not to us, our kids,
not even your sister.

It's okay
to let go.

It's just so hard.

I know.

Look! I think
it's over!

[cheering]

(Clive)
Cleopatra's Eye could fetch

up to a million dollars
on the open market.

It's a once in a lifetime
investment opportunity.

[foreign accent]
I could give you ,. Cash.

I think we can
work with that.

Not so fast.

I want to see
the diamond.

Of course.

If you'll excuse
me a moment.

You look great.

I look like
a mom.

Hm.

There, that's better.

I'm impressed, Cate.
Look at this.

If only your sister could
see what you've done here.

She'd be proud.

I don't know
about that.

But I do know that I couldn't
have done it without you.

True.

But if it
weren't for you,

I'd still be polishing
silver on Christmas Eve.

Thank you, Cate.

So does this mean that you forgive
me for wrecking your homecoming?

Don't push it.

Hm.

[doorbell]

Come on, guys!
Guests are here!

Hello. I think you should
know Mark and I are separated.

Mark and I are separated.
I'm single.

You certainly have turned over
a new leaf, haven't you, dear?

Wow. Very nice.
You pulled it off.

(Cate)
It appears so.

Although I did
forget one thing.

What's that?

I didn't get
you a present.

You're here, right?

Have fun
at the party.

Okay, you win.

Come on, you guys.
Come on.

[phone rings]

Hello?

(Savannah)
Hey, Cate!

We got on
a flight.

We should be home
by Christmas morning.

Wow, that's great.

Don't tell the kids.
I want to surprise them.

You must be relieved.
Getting out of Comfort back to your old life.

Yeah. I'll see
you tomorrow.

Bye.
Oh!

I'll get these.

It's the only way.

Clockwise pattern,
three minutes per house,

they won't
even miss me.

[female voice
sings pop song]

So much for
turning over a new leaf.

[instrumental end
of song]

[lively chatter]

(male voice)
Four words.

First word.

Aunt Cate!
There you are.

It's your Christmas present.
I want you to open it now.

Since you lost your heart,
I thought you could use a new one.

Thank you.

You, me...

Santa and
His Elves?

(Holly)
Yay!

I think we have a hit
on our hands, don't you?

What's wrong?

We're out of eggnog.
I'm gonna make a quick run to the store.

Don't be silly, there's
plenty of eggnog.

Holly, if I needed you to watch
the kids until Savannah comes back,

no questions, no lectures,
would you do that for me?

Yes or no?

Of course I can.

Thanks.

(Parker)
Where's Aunt Cate?

I need to talk to her
about something.

She's gone, Parker.

Gone? What
do you mean?

She had to go.
But don't worry,

I'll be here until your mom gets back.
It's okay.

No! It's
not okay.

[rustle of paper]

Take me with you!

Parker.

I could never figure out
what it was exactly

why I felt so different.
But now I know what it is.

I'm like you.

Parker, you're not like me.
You're a good kid.

Then why are you
leaving like this?

I'm afraid one day
you're gonna realize

that there's not a
lot to like about me.

Remember I told you I had a
friend that showed me the ropes?

Yeah.

Some of those things he taught me,
they weren't so good.

I don't wanna make the
same mistake with you.

And I'll deny it if
ever you tell her I said this but,

but your mom is pretty amazing.
You can talk to her.

But you said
she was annoying.

Well, she's that too.
But sisters annoy each other.

The truth is, her shoes always felt
too big to fill so I stopped trying.

But I like who you are.
You're cool.

Don't forget
incredibly stylish.

You're gonna thank
me for this one day.

Wait.

You forgot this.

I figured you might need it,
so you can believe in Christmas again.

Where were you
when I was .

You just going
to let her go?

I have to say, this
is really honorable.

Deciding to split
the diamond with Cate.

Taken in by the
holiday spirit?

Holiday spirit, right.
She's become so famous.

Uh, "infamous,"
I think.

Whatever. Just a matter of
time till the police find her

and I want to offer her some incentive
so she won't take me down with her.

Boy, someone in your life
must have really hurt you.

[peal of thunder]

Great, just great.

So what?
No goodbye?

Time to hit
the road.

Places to go, people to see,
you know how it is.

Actually, no, I don't. But you
certainly seem to be an expert at it.

Wait just a minute.
I'm not gonna take the blame for this.

I may never have been able to
measure up to my perfect big sister,

but at least, with you,
I know I was enough.

Then you join the football team, become
mister popular and what do you know,

I'm not good enough
for you either.

Are you finished?

You dumped me!

Now I'm finished.

Good.

The pranks, the sneaking out,
I only did that to impress you. Alright?

Yes, I wanted to play football,
I wanted to go to prom,

I'm not gonna
apologize for that.

But don't leave
again, Cate.

Hank, it's complicated.

Yeah.
I figured.

Making a run to leave
without trying, right?

Take care
of yourself.

[cell phone rings]

Hello.

Hello, Catherine.

What do
you want, Clive?

I just wanted to give
you a ring and tell you

what a lovely party
you've pulled together.

Stay away
from my family.

If you so much as hurt
one hair on their head...

There's no need for dramatics.
I'm only here for my diamond.

I don't have
your diamond, Clive.

And when I say "your" diamond,
I use that term very loosely.

Let's not play games,
I know you have it.

Last time I saw the diamond
was the last time I saw you.

Only a handful of people can
pick a pocket well enough

to pull one over on me.
And you are one of them.

I hate to tell you,
I didn't pick your pocket.

I don't have
the diamond.

Wait.

We'll be here
all week.

Any luck?

Oh, I'm sorry, Hank.

Who's that guy?

Says he's a
friend of Cate's.

"Thick as thieves"
were his exact words.

Actually, I think
he's the ex.

Ex?

Cate told me she went through a bad
breakup a few days before she got here.

I think it's him.

Clive.

Told you.

I don't buy it.

I cannot believe you
showed up like this.

Be careful not
to offend me.

It's not my face
they're looking for.

And it would be all too
easy to lead them here.

Quite the story.
Hometown girl made bad.

Make your family
so proud.

How did you
even find me?

Your accomplice
is an amateur.

Oh, nice ring!

I was thinking of
getting rid of it.

In fact, there's a whole box
of stuff my husband gave me

that I'd be happy
to never see again.

You and I are gonna
do just fine together.

Clock's ticking.

Mrs Bradley says you and
the sheriff go way back.

I'm sure he'd be heartbroken
to hear what you amounted to.

And the children. Watching Auntie
hauled off in handcuffs. Boo-hoo.

You're a loser.

Stop that!

You wouldn't want
that, would you?

You wouldn't.

Oh, but I would.
Now, where's my diamond?

(Annie)
Hank! Hank!

I don't think Aunt Cate
likes him very much.

Who?

That man.
Clive.

That's none of
my business, Annie.

I think it is.
He's not nice.

Why? What do
you know?

Unfortunately, at this point,
I'm unable to flip on a partner.

However, I took the liberty of writing
down a few things. Mainly his aliases.

Thank you, Annie.

You have no leverage.
Give me the diamond or I turn you in.

Fine, turn me in.
You'll never see the diamond again.

It'll be locked up in an evidence
locker faster than you can blink.

The deal is we take the
diamond back to the city,

Duffy sells it, we split it fifty
fifty and we go our separate ways.

But first I have to return
this stuff before Christmas morning.

I say we take it,
leave now and make a clean getaway.

I have to make this right
for my family or no deal.

Would you like me to hold
the diamond while you work?

I'm not letting you or the
diamond out of my sight again.

I'm coming with you.

Where do you
think you're going?

Gettin' in the car.

Oh no, I'm in the
driver's seat this time.

Did you
check the list?

Twice.

Uh-huh.

Right.

What are
you doing?

Oh, we need all the
cover we can get.

Britney.
Britney.

Close enough.

(Holly)
That was a great party.

I have so much
cleaning up to do.

Could you grab
that, please?

Sure.

Thank you.
Oh! Don't forget that there. Thank you!

Oh, gosh! That carpet there, we're
gonna have to get that cleaned tomorrow.

Oh, and and
that one too.

Sure.

You have a stain on your shirt.

Oh, what's this?
Mistletoe.

You know what
this is all about.

[chuckling]

Aw, damn!

Oh, geez.

Sheriff, we really
need to talk.

Um, not right
now, okay Gary?

Thank you, Annie.

It's her, isn't it?

We still make a pretty
good team, you and I.

Perhaps we should reconsider
going our separate ways.

I'm done
with all that.

You'll never be done.
We can't change who we are.

I told you.
We're bad by nature.

Just a tiny bauble.
They'll hardly miss it at all.

Not fine.

I'll just toss it back down the
chimney on the way out of town.

This would be a
bad development.

Clive Henry?

Hey, Sheriff, how
about a hand here?

What?
Cate!

Cate?

You know the
scorpion thing?

Turns out it was just a fable.
Being bad isn't in my nature.

(Cate)
Hank.

I am really not in the market
for an explanation now, Cate.

Give me
your hands.

Where's the stone?

What are
you doing?

I'll say that Clive
had the diamond on him

and that you
were long gone.

You can't do that. He'll tell
everybody that you let me go.

And who do you think
they're gonna believe?

Me or a thief.
Go on, you're free to go.

What if I don't
want to leave?

Then you stay with me and
you face the consequences.

[Christmas tune]

The house is still standing.
That's a good sign.

I have a feeling that
something isn't right.

(Annie and Parker)
Mom! Dad!

(Mom)
Hi!

Hey, buddy.

(Holly)
Merry Christmas!

Hey, welcome back!
You look great. Got a tan.

(Hank)
Merry Christmas.

Hank!

Merry Christmas.

Who are you?

Duffy. It's
a long story.

[happy chatter]

Ohh!

I need to say
something to you.

He told you,
didn't he?

I know that I let you down
and embarrassed you, I'm sorry.

Actually, Cate, I wanted
to answer your question.

About where you
were on my list.

As of today, you're
right at the top.

Thanks for looking
after my children.

Thanks for
letting me.

(Annie) Look everybody!
It's finally snowing!

[cheering]

(Brian)
Merry Christmas everyone!

We should
get going.

Promised NYPD to have
you there by :.

Alright, you two!
Come here!

Here's the deal.
You'll probably not gonna be seeing me

for, oh, three to six years,
but after that,

I promise I will never miss a
Christmas in Comfort again, okay?

Come here.
I love you, beautiful girl.

You stay good.

Oh, gross.

I made
brownies for you.

A little nail file never hurt either,
if you get my drift.

It was
Duffy's idea.

Bye.

What did you say
to my sister?

Nothing, really.

People don't usually thank you
for involving their offspring

in a felony offense,
especially not Savannah.

I just told her the truth.
You could've left but you didn't.

You came back and
did the right thing.

It goes a long
way in my book.

And you know,

as for the stone,
I think I have an idea.

Come on.

[boat horn]

[whirring]

[zing and beep]

[whirring]

Voila.

There's always a way around
the system, gentlemen.

I would increase the infrared around the
windows and the air conditioning vents.

Any entry points are a risk.

Mm. What would I do
without you, Cate.

I will say, Sheriff, returning
the stone, dropping the charges,

hiring Cate,
quite ingenious.

If it weren't for you, I never
would have found this gem.

We should
get going.

Do we have to?

It was part
of the deal.

Oh.

(Cate) So after Jack stole the
hen that laid the golden eggs,

he went back up the
beanstalk to get more loot.

Well, this time the giant
woke up and chased him.

Well, Jack barely escaped.
Then he chopped down the beanstalk

so he would never
be tempted again

and him and his mother
lived happily ever after.

So you see, you don't have to
go chasing up some beanstalk.

The things that are most important
are right here at home.

Here you go.

Ho, ho, ho.
Are you ready to talk to Santa?

Lunch in , Sheriff.

You left out a whole
bunch of stuff.

In the real story,
Jack also took a bag of gold coins

and a magical
singing harp.

What are you?
The fairy tale police?

Come here.

(Cate, happily)
Ooh!

Alright, one for you and
one for you. Go!

(Cate, off)
Everybody has. Merry Christmas to all.

And they lived
happily ever after.

Okay, so I was wrong.
Sometimes it does happen.

[modern version of
Christmas carol]