Josh: when I was in the third
Grade, I had the cutest little
Turtle ever.
Drake: when I was a little kid,
I had the hottest baby-sitter
Ever.
Josh: his name was sheldon.
Drake: her name was debbie.
I remember she used to like to
Eat grapes.
Josh: I remember he used to love
To eat bugs.
Drake: and whenever I'd get
Scared...she'd hold my hand.
Josh: whenever he'd get scared,
He'd...pee in my hand.
Drake: but then debbie moved to
Wisconsin.
Josh: but then one day
Sheldon...passed on.
Drake: so my mom got me a new
Baby-sitter.
Josh: so my dad bought me a
Lizard.
Drake: her name was mrs. Finkle.
Josh: his name was julio.
Drake: she used to make me eat
Warm tuna fish and watch
Educational television.
Josh: he used to climb up my
Chest and bite my throat!
Drake: and the more I hated that
Old lady...
Josh: and the more I hated that
Vicious lizard...
Drake: the more I missed debbie.
Josh: the more I missed sheldon.
Drake: I guess I never really
Appreciated debbie...
Josh: I guess I never realized
How much I loved sheldon...
Drake: till she was gone.
Josh: until julio tried to [span]k*ll[/span]
Josh: until julio tried to [span]k*ll me![/Span]
Me!
Me! Drake: ok, open.
Drake: ok, open.
Tori: um...green apple?
Tori: um...green apple? Drake: excellent. Open.
Drake: excellent. Open.
Tori: cherry.
Drake: more specific, please.
Tori: very cherry?
Tori: very cherry? Drake: very good.
Drake: very good.
Tori: hmm. Hot guy lips?
Drake: that is correct.
We also would have accepted
Extremely hot guy lips.
Tori: hey, get me a soda?
Both: mocha cola, extra ice.
Tori: wow, you're good.
Drake: yeah, we also would've
Accepted extremely good.
Hey, josh. Aah!
Josh: look, you can "aah" all
You want, all right? I like my
Mustache.
Drake: oh, come on. Grammy has
More hair on her upper lip than
That.
Josh: do not make fun of
Grammy's hormonal imbalances!
Drake: ooh, sorry. Why don't
You just shave that thing off?
Josh: no. Ever since I've grown
This mustache, people treat me
Differently. I get more respect.
Gavin: hey, josh, helen wants
You to go down to the basement
And empty the rat traps.
Josh: you see? Helen never let
Me do that before. The power...
Of the 'stache.
Drake: if you say so.
Josh: you know, you should think
About growing a mustache. I bet
Your girlfriend would think it's
Cool.
Drake: ow, ow, ow! Don't say
"Girlfriend."
Josh: why not?
Drake: because tori and I are
Just dating. I don't like the
Word "girlfriend."
Josh: mindy's my [span]girlfriend.[/Span]
I don't have a problem saying
It.
Drake: oh, josh, how can I
Explain this to you? You see,
Girls are a lot like...candy.
Josh: candy?
Drake: right. Let's say tori is
The megathon bar.
Josh: tori is the megathon bar.
Drake: great candy bar, right?
Josh: sure.
Drake: yeah, but I wouldn't want
This to be the only candy in my
Life, would you?
Josh: no.
Drake: exactly. I mean, some
Days we'd want a flutter
Nutter...
Josh: sure.
Drake: other days some
Squiggles...
Josh: I like the squiggles.
Drake: and dweebs and puddycats
And melon ms.
Josh: all right, will you cut to
The chase?
Drake: sure. You see, we as men
Can enjoy the megathon bar
Whenever we want, but that
Doesn't mean we have to make it
Our [span]candyfriend.[/Span]
Tori: hey.
Drake: oh, hey. I was just
Getting your soda.
Tori: thanks, but my mom just
Called and she wants me to get
Home, so I better--were you just
Buying me all this candy?
Drake: well, i--
Tori: that is so sweet of you.
Is he the cutest boyfriend or
What?
Drake: boyfriend?
Drake: boyfriend? Tori: the cutest.
Tori: the cutest.
Josh: looks like all you got is
A megathon bar.
A megathon bar. Gavin: I got it.
Gavin: I got it.
♪ I never thought that it'd be
So simple, but I found a way,
I found a way,
I found a way, if you open up your mind ♪
If you open up your mind ♪
♪ It's gonna take some time
To realize,
But if you look inside,
I'm sure you'll find,
Over your shoulder,
You know that I told you
I'll always be picking you up
When you're down,
When you're down, so just turn around ♪
So just turn around ♪
So just turn around ♪ ♪ ooh ooh oooooooh
♪ Ooh ooh oooooooh
Josh: what?
Megan: so, are you two, like,
Dating now?
Mindy: yeah.
Josh: yes, we are.
Megan: why?
Josh: I happen to find mindy
Very appealing.
Megan: oh, I understand that.
I'm trying to figure out what's
Gone wrong in [span]her[/span]head.
Mindy: megan, I know it's hard
For you to understand, but I
Think josh is very smart, funny,
Interesting, and cute.
Megan: did you put something in
Her food?
Josh: all right, that's it! Out!
Megan: wait. Can I just take a
Few pictures of you first?
Josh: sure. What for?
Megan: it's for a school paper.
I'm writing about how facial
Hair makes some people look more
Attractive.
Josh: oh.
Megan: and how it makes others
Look more stupid.
Josh: out!
Josh: out! Megan: ooh, that was a good one.
Megan: ooh, that was a good one.
Josh: I am so tired of her and
Drake bugging me about my
'Stache.
Mindy: uh-huh.
Josh: what does "uh-huh" mean?
Mindy: just uh-huh.
Josh: no, that wasn't just an
Uh-huh uh-huh. That was a
[Span]uh-huh[/span]uh-huh.
Mindy: no, no.
Josh: you hate my 'stache.
Mindy: oh, hate is a very
Strong...accurate word.
Josh: mindy...
Mindy: kidding. I was kidding. I
Like it. Seriously.
Josh: you do?
Mindy: sure. I'll give you
Bucks to shave it off.
Josh: oh...
Drake: hey, josh.
Josh: ahem.
Drake: yeah?
Josh: mindy's here.
Drake: oh, right. I'll call the
Exterminator.
Mindy: oh, what's the matter,
Drake? You feeling stressed
About having a girlfriend?
Drake: tori is not my
Girlfriend.
Mindy: that's not what I hear.
Drake: yeah, well, it doesn't
Matter what you hear because I'm
Gonna break up with her tomorrow
At school.
Josh: how come?
Drake: you heard her call me her
Boyfriend. Something has to be
Done. In fact, I'm just gonna
Break up with her right now.
Mindy: you can't end a
Relationship with a phone call.
Drake: duh. I'm gonna text
Message her.
Josh: just tell her in person.
Drake: I can't, man. I mean,
What if she's a crier? I can't
Handle it when a girl cries.
Mindy: sure you can. You just
Mindy: sure you can. You just need practice. Drake.
Need practice. Drake.
All right, now, josh, you be
Tori. Drake, you be you.
Josh: [whining] I wanted to be
Drake.
Mindy: too bad. Ready, set,
Break up.
Drake: all right. Uh, tori?
Josh: [exaggerated whiny voice]
What is it, drake?
Drake: ok, I can't do this if
He's gonna talk like that.
Josh: I'm being a girl.
Drake: what girl has a
Mustache other than your
Grandmother?
Josh: that tears it! Aah!
Mindy: stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it! All right?
Stop it! Stop it! All right? Just do this.
Just do this.
Drake: [sighs] tori...
Josh: [high voice] mm-hmm?
Josh: [high voice] mm-hmm? Mindy: now take her hands.
Mindy: now take her hands.
Drake: now, I really like you.
I--
Josh: [giddily] ohhhh. Ha ha.
Drake: but I think we're gonna
Have to break up.
[Crying, sobbing]
Drake: see, I can't handle that.
Mindy: just keep going. You can
Handle it.
Drake: i--i--look, I just think
I need to date other people.
And you should, too.
Josh: well, I guess I
Understand.
Drake: uh, just one more thing.
Josh: yes?
Josh: shave off the mustache!
Josh: shave off the mustache! Josh: out!
Josh: out!
Drake: tori?
Tori: oh, hey, drake.
Drake: uh, you got a sec to
Talk?
Talk? Tori: yeah, sure.
Tori: yeah, sure.
Drake: [sighs] tori...
Tori: you're breaking up with
Me?
Drake: ok, how did you know
That?
Tori: because guys just don't
Go, [sighs] "tori," unless
They're dumping you.
Drake: well, I wouldn't say I'm
Dumping you.
Tori: you're not dumping me?
Drake: no, I am. I--i just
Wouldn't say it.
Tori: look, I get it. You want
To date other people.
Drake: well...
Tori: it's cool. Seriously, no
Hard feelings.
Drake: you are awesome. Want to
Make out a little bit?
Tori: I don't think so.
See you later, drake. Hug
See you later, drake. Hug good-bye?
Good-bye?
Man: whassup?
Man: whassup? Josh: whassup?
Josh: whassup?
Mindy: happy saturday.
Josh: hey, what brings you to
The premiere?
Mindy: I just thought I'd bring
You a little lunch.
Josh: whoa. How cool are you?
Let's see, we got a little ham
And cheese action.
Mindy: cheddar.
Josh: some apple wedges.
Mindy: with the caramel dippin'
Sauce.
Josh: I say [span]caramel,[/span]but all
Right. Juice box.
Mindy: with bendy straw.
Josh: and for dessert...
Shaving cream and a razor.
Yeah, so I'm gonna skip dessert.
Mindy: come on, josh, just shave
It off.
Josh: no. All right, my 'stache
Has changed my whole life.
Mindy: how?
Josh: see that cool-looking guy
Standing over there?
Mindy: yeah.
Josh: minutes ago, he walked
Right by me, saw my 'stache,
Said, "'sup?"
Mindy: so you like the mustache
Because it helps you meet
Strange men.
Josh: no. It just sort of ups my
Cool 'cause--'cause a guy like
That doesn't just go walking
Around handing out 'sups.
Mindy: right. Of course not.
Josh: I appreciate the lunch,
But I gotta get back to work.
Mindy: ok.
Mindy: ok. Josh: later.
Josh: later.
Josh: what?
Mindy: look, I hate to do this,
Josh, but I am not kissing you
Until you shave off that
Mustache.
Josh: well, I'm not shavin' my
'Stache until you kiss me.
Mindy: fine.
Josh: fine. But know this, mindy
Crenshaw. I went years
Without kissing a girl. I could
Wait.
Wait. Man: 'sup?
Man: 'sup?
Man: 'sup? Drake: I'll call you.
Drake: I'll call you.
Hello.
Josh: what are you so giddy
Josh: what are you so giddy about?
About?
About? A girl's phone number?
A girl's phone number?
Girls' phone numbers?
Drake: yup. There's a lot of
Candy out there, josh, and you
Are looking at mr. Willy wonka.
Josh: ex-girlfriend-- o'clock.
Oh, wow.
Drake: yeah, there's tori.
Josh: yeah, but...
Look, she's with another guy.
Drake: doesn't bother me.
Josh: really? He's a pretty
Good-looking dude.
Drake: I guess, but it still
Doesn't bother me.
Josh: how about that?
Josh: how about that? Drake: yeah, that bothers me.
Drake: yeah, that bothers me.
Drake: josh, you're not gonna
Believe--
Josh: believe what?
Drake: were you just combing
Your mustache?
Josh: no.
Drake: so what's in your hand?
Josh: ooh, uh, it's just a comb
For, uh...for my hair.
Drake: uh-huh.
Josh: what do you want?
Drake: would you look at tori?
Josh: yeah. She's with that guy
Again.
Drake: no, that's a different
Guy.
Josh: what's your problem?
You're the one that broke up
With her.
Drake: yeah, I know, but I
Just--i feel kind of weird about
This.
Oh, hey. She's alone. I'm gonna
Go talk to her.
Josh: what for?
Drake: to get back together.
Josh: drake, you don't get back
With a girl just because you're
Jealous of her new boyfriends.
Drake: yeah, true...
But I'm gonna do it anyway.
Hello, tori.
Tori: what's up, drake?
Drake: so I've been thinking I
Might get back together with
You.
Tori: I see, and do I have any
Say in this?
Drake: yeah, you can say ok.
Tori: yeah, I don't think so,
Drake.
Drake: but I'm drake.
Tori: yes, but I'm having a
Really good time dating
Different guys. You know,
Playing the field.
Drake: I'm in a band.
Tori: bye, drake.
Drake: josh, you're not gonna
Drake: josh, you're not gonna believe what just--
Believe what just--
Mindy: josh?
Josh: I'm not shaving it off.
Mindy: ok, josh.
You know, it's been about
Weeks since we kissed.
Josh: mindy, I waited years,
Long kissless years. You'll
Give in way before I do.
Mindy: really?
Why, what's this?
Oh, it's my new lip gloss. Mmm.
Apricot. Do you like the smell
Of apricots, josh?
Josh: I say a-pricot.
Mindy: smell the gloss, josh.
Josh: oh!
Mindy: to kiss me, all you gotta
Do is shave.
Josh: no! Mm!
Mindy: ok, what are you doing?
Mindy: ok, what are you doing? Josh: runnin' off my desires!
Josh: runnin' off my desires!
Drake: running off his desires?
Mindy: yeah.
Josh: [takes deep breath]
Yeah, that's enough exercise...
For the year.
[Drake sighs]
Mindy: wow. Big sigh.
Drake: yeah, I've sighed bigger.
Mindy: so what's wrong?
Drake: ok, you're kind of a
Girl, right?
Mindy: well, if not, I've been
Buying the wrong underwear.
Drake: well, do you know that
Girl I was dating?
Mindy: ohh, yes. Josh told me
The whole story. You dumped her.
She's dating new guys. You're a
Jealous mess.
Drake: so how do I get her back?
Mindy: drake, you got jealous
When you saw her on a date.
Drake: right.
Mindy: so to make her jealous,
You...
Drake: put a stink b*mb in her
Backpack.
Or...
Mindy: do I have to spell this
Out for you?
Drake: would you?
Mindy: you date someone else to
Make her jealous!
Drake: oh, right! And where do I
Put the stink b*mb?
Mindy: I'll tell you where to
Put it!
Josh: mindy.
Mindy: uh, I'm gonna go get a
Bottle of water.
Josh: make that , please.
Mindy: hey, megan.
Megan: hey.
Mindy: whatcha doin'?
Megan: cutting up a pineapple.
Mindy: I see.
Listen, you want to make $?
Listen, you want to make $? Megan: keep talking.
Megan: keep talking.
[Shaver buzzes]
Drake: what's going on?
[Turns off shaver]
Megan?
Megan: hey.
Drake: what are you doing in our
Room?
Megan: i, uh...ha ha...
Forgot to give josh a hug good
Night. Sweet, sweet josh. Sleep
Tight, little boob. Well, good
Tight, little boob. Well, good night.
Night.
Drake: josh, is tori here?
Josh: um...uh, yeah, she's over
There with another good-looking
Guy.
Drake: oh, good, 'cause I got a
Hot date coming here any--
What happened to the other half
Of your mustache?
Josh: I just woke up this
Morning and it was gone.
Drake: well, then, why don't you
Shave off the other half?
Josh: no. All right, that's just
What mindy wants me to do.
Drake: dude, if you shave it
Off, she will kiss you.
Josh: well, there are more
Important things in life than
Kissing girls.
Drake: name .
Josh: I can't!
Drake: if you have to keep your
Dumb mustache, come here.
Josh: what are you doing?
Drake: re-staching you.
Drake: re-staching you. Josh: ow!
Josh: ow!
Do I look good?
Drake: uh-huh.
Ooh! Here comes liza.
Josh: hot liza?
Drake: the hottest. You think
She'll make tori jealous, huh?
Josh: huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!
Liza: hey, drake.
Drake: hey, liza.
You know my brother josh.
Liza: sure, hey, jo--
What's up with his--
What's up with his-- drake: uh, come with me.
Drake: uh, come with me.
Liza: aah!
Drake: ohh! Sorry. Um...
Sorry about that.
Liza: it's ok.
So what made you want to ask me
Out all of a sudden?
Drake: uh, you know, I just
Wanted to get to know you
Better. So tell me about you.
Liza: um, well, I'm a people
Person and I love animals.
Drake: that's nice.
Liza: my dad's in the m*llitary,
So when I was little, we used to
Move from city...
To city. And then I moved to
San diego and I got into teen
Modeling...
But what I really want to do is
Start acting and maybe move to
L.a. One day.
[Drake groaning and banging]
Tori: drake?
Drake: tori? I didn't know you
Were here.
Tori: yeah, I'm just here with
My friend brent.
Drake: oh, that's nice. I'm just
Here with my friend hot liza.
Liza: huh?
Drake: she's a teen model, she
Loves animals, and she's in the
m*llitary.
Liza: no, my dad's in the
m*llitary.
Drake: shh. I was just gonna go
Get us something to drink.
Liza: me, too. I'll walk with
You.
Drake: you want anything?
Liza: oh, yeah. Can you get me a
Large--
Drake: oh, they're out of that.
So what do you think of liza?
Pretty hot, huh?
Tori: drake, by any chance, did
You bring liza here to try and
Make me jealous?
Drake: no. I--i care deeply
About her.
Tori: yeah? What's her last
Name?
Drake: oh, uh, john--jambalaya.
Tori: liza jambalaya?
Drake: ok. [Sighs] tori...
Tori: you want to get back
Together with me?
Drake: how'd you know?
Tori: because guys don't just
Go, [sighs] "tori" unless
They're breaking up with you or
They want to get back together
With you, and you already did
The first one.
Drake: well, do you want to get
Back together?
Tori: maybe. Do you?
Drake: maybe.
Tori: but I kind of feel bad
About brent.
Drake: oh, yeah. Uh...
Wait here.
Brent, this is liza. You like
Her?
Brent: uh, sure.
Drake: cool. She's a people
Person, she loves animals, and
Her dad's in the m*llitary.
Brent: really? My dad's in the
m*llitary, too.
Liza: no way.
Brent: coast guard.
Liza: navy!
Drake: oh, you kids have fun.
We're good to go.
We're good to go. Tori: awesome.
Tori: awesome.
Tori: awesome. Josh: 'sup?
Josh: 'sup?
Josh: 'sup? Mindy: josh?
Mindy: josh?
Josh?
Josh: I'm in a meeting.
Mindy: would you come out of
Mindy: would you come out of there?
There?
Ok. Why do you have half a
Mustache made of magic marker?
Josh: I woke up yesterday
Morning and half my mustache was
Just gone.
Mindy: half?
That girl owes me bucks.
Josh: huh?
Mindy: nothing. Go on.
Josh: so then drake said I look
Stupid so he filled in the
Missing half with magic marker.
But then I just decided to get
Rid of the whole thing, so I
Shaved off the hair half and now
I can't get the magic marker
Half off.
Mindy: well, here.
You should at least be
Symmetrical. There.
Josh: do I look good?
Mindy: uh-huh.
Josh: [sighs] the power of the
'Stache.
Drake: you know, I got to tell
You, I hate your girlfriend, but
Her idea to make tori jealous
Was really smart.
Josh: not that smart. They've
Done it on every sitcom since
S. Sure do miss kissing her,
You know?
Drake: yeah, I miss kissing
Tori.
03x06 - Playing the Field
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Series follows two teenage stepbrothers Drake Parker and Josh Nichols as they live together despite opposite personalities.
Series follows two teenage stepbrothers Drake Parker and Josh Nichols as they live together despite opposite personalities.