03x04 - The Tale of the Phone Police

[bunniefuu]

[Child's laughter]

So whose turn is it
tonight?

Girl: Tucker.

Where is your
sweet little bro?

You mean he isn't
here yet?

I knew that little puke
was gonna be trouble.

Don't worry.
He's here.

[Cell phone rings]

[Ring]

Am I missing something?

[Ring]

[Ring]

Tucker?

Yeah.

We're all set.

OK.

[Beep]

Go.

Can everybody hear me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

OK. I'm telling my story
this way,

'cause if you
think about it,

a telephone is probably the
scariest thing in your house.

Boy: Say what?

You might feel safe with
your doors and windows locked,

but all someone has to do
is dial your number.

You answer the phone,
and bingo, they're inside.

But it's just
their voice.

Yeah, but when you
pick up that phone,

you made a connection,

and it might be to a place

that you don't want to be
connected to.

Do you have the pouch?

All set.

Submitted for the approval
of the Midnight Society,

I call this story...

The Tale of the Phone Police.

[Footsteps]

Man: Hello?

You go.

What are you
scared of?

Woman: Hello?

Yeah, uh...

Hello.

This is the acme
appliance company.

Is your refrigerator
running?

Yeah.

You better run after
it before it gets away.

Lame.

Very lame.

Listen and learn,
my friend.

Woman: Hello?

And hello
to you, ma'am!

This is radio station
kzit--k-zit--

and you have
just been selected

to be one of our
lucky contestants.

Now, to qualify for an
all-expense-paid dream vacation,

all you have to do is
answer one easy question.

Woman:
What kind of question?

Listen carefully.
In centimeters,

exactly how wide
is Antarctica?

You have seconds.

Come on, Jake.
It's not funny.

Hurry, ma'am.

Don't let this once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity slip away.

Oh, dear!

I--I--I really
don't know.

You have ...

...

......

Caught ya!

What are you doing?

No, what are you doing,
making crank calls again?

No. I was trying
to get Mum and Dad.

Look, pal,

I'm in charge here
while they're on vacation,

so stop acting
like a little wart!

I can't believe
you're letting him

talk you into
this stuff.

You're not gonna tell
Mum and Dad, are you?

Forget Mum and Dad.

You're gonna get tagged by
the Phone Police, you zero.

Phone Police?

What are
the Phone Police?

You're kidding,
right?

You've never heard
of the Phone Police?

Uh... no.

Well, the phone has
certain rules of operation.

You don't leave it
off the hook.

You don't let it
ring too long,

and you don't
make stupid calls

like my blunt
little brother.

She's making this
up.

You think so, eh?

Oh. Keep messing
with the phone,

and you'll end up like
the Baxter kid.

Who's the Baxter kid?

Billy Baxter.

Happened a long time ago.

He was making crank calls,

and the Phone Police
got him.

Oh, gimme
a break!

It's true.

They never saw him
again.

How do you know
all this?

Hmph.

Everybody knows
about the Baxter kid,

except you,
my vacant sibling.

Ha.

You mess with the phone,

you answer to
the Phone Police.

Wanna make a call?

I gotta go.

Good thing one of you
guys has some brains.

Chris, you don't believe
that stuff, do you?

It doesn't matter. It's no
fun, anyway. See you tomorrow.

Chris.

The Phone Police.
Yeah, right.

Stupid.

"A...Amis...Angelo.

"B.

"Ben.

Billy Baxter"?

It's only got
numbers.

This won't work.

Hello?

[Static]
Man: Help me.

Someone, please!
Help--

[telephone rings]

[Ring]

Hello?

[Static]
Man: Hey, kid.

I know you can
hear me.

You gotta
help me, please--

[ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Static]

[Dial tone]

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Static]

[Ring]

Who are you?
What do you want?

Man: You know
who I am.

You called me.
It's Billy Baxter.

You've gotta help me.

[Ring]

Please help me!

[Ring]

Please!

[Static]

It musta been Annie.

It musta been Annie
pulling your chain.

It was unplugged, Chris.
How could she make it ring?

I don't know.
Maybe it was a dream.

[Telephone rings]

Can't be!

[Ring]

So answer it.

No way!
You answer it.

[Ring]

[Ring]

Hello?

That guy last night,
did he sound like this?

[Static] Help! You
gotta get me out!

Lose this!

We gotta do
something.

Number --
to maintenance.

Number -- to maintenance.

Ahem. Excuse me.

Yes.

How can we find out where
this number comes from?

There's only
numbers,

and we thought it was
foreign or something.

It's not foreign. It's
old and discontinued.

It can't be.

We just called it
and got somebody.

You called this number
and got an answer?

Well, sorta. It was
more like static,

but someone was there.

Then they started
calling me back.

The records department
is in the basement.

They'll take care
of you.

Thanks.

Number ,
call ---.

---.

Now what?

There.

[Ding]

[Door closes]

Where's the number?

Yeah? What can I
do for you?

The lady upstairs

said you could tell us
who has this number.

Hmm.

I see.

Ha. We don't get very
many of these nowadays.

Come on back.

Using the phone to tell
a couple of jokes, eh?

What?

Just stand there,
young fella.

We'll take care
of ya.

[Whispers]
What's goin' on?

[Footsteps approaching]

Jake O'Brian.

Phone Police.

What?!

Hey!

[Muffled screams]

Hey!

Lemme outta here!
What is this?

You'll figure it out.

I know, 'cause you're
a real smart kid!

You got here quicker
than anyone ever has!

[Menacingly]
Ha ha ha ha ha!

Help! Chris!
Somebody help!

[Telephone
rings]

[Ring]

Hello?

[Static] Don't
bother shouting.

No one can hear you.
I know. I've tried.

Who is this?

Have you forgotten
already? It's Billy Baxter.

Oh, man,
what is this place?

Why am I here?

You never should have
messed with the phone.

Now they've got you.

No! I'm gonna
call my parents.

Not on that phone. It
only takes incoming calls.

But you called me.

That's 'cause
you called me first.

Maybe you'll be lucky.
Stay on the phone.

Someone might hear you
someday. Ha ha ha!

Wait!
Don't hang up.

[Dial tone]

Yeah, yeah.
Hang on.

Annie, Annie!
They got Jake!

Just like you said!

It's the Phone Police!

We went down to
the phone company--

Who are you, and how
do you know my name?

What? It's me!

Get out of here before
I phone the police.

It's me, Chris, Jake's
friend. They got him.

I don't know you, and
I don't know any Jake.

I'm calling the cops.

Wait! Jake's
your brother!

What is with you?

Look, I don't have
any brother, OK?

Now get outta here!

You're not kidding,
are you?

No, I'm not kidding!
I'll bean you!

Hey!

I'll prove it
to you...

This is Jake's
bed... room.

Are you gonna get out,
or do I call the cops?

The cops. Yeah. You told us a
story about the Phone Police

and a kid named
Billy Baxter.

You know the story?

Yeah, I know it.

Except the way
I heard it,

they got a kid
named O'Brian,

a Jake O'Brian.

Jake O'Brian?

No! Let me go!

Lemme go!

I didn't do anything.

I swear it was
just a joke!

Nobody got hurt!

Oh, man!
Those guys work fast.

[Ring]

Leave me alone,
you crazy old--

Jake, take it easy.
It's me.

Chris! Get me outta here,
man! This place is nuts.

I didn't do anything
wrong! You gotta help me!

Whoa! Calm down.

Get Annie!
Get my parents!

Uh...I can't
do that, Jake.

Why not?
You gotta do something,

or I'll be
stuck here forever.

This whole thing is
weirder than you even know.

I'm scared, Chris.

Me, too.
But I got a plan.

Maybe we can b*at the phone
police at their own game.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Hello.

[Ring]

[Ringing]

[Ringing]

[Ring]

Answer the phone!

[Ring]

Hey, kid, I told ya,

answer the phone!

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

Hey, you!

Answer the phone.

Listen, kid.

You think you've
got it bad now,

just you wait!

[Ring]

That's it!

You've had it!

[Ring]

Aah!

Let's get
outta here!

[Ring]

Forget it, kid! No one gets
away from the Phone Police!

Wait.

Come on!

[Slam]

No!

This way.

Oh, man! They're
all over the place.

There they are!

This way.

We're dead!

We're not giving up now.

Yes!

We got it!

We're outta here.

We're--

trapped.

There!

Now where did they--

OK.

Coast is clear.

Come on.

[Siren]

Thanks, man. I'm glad
to be outta there.

[Wheels screech]

Run!

We made it. You
saved me, man.

OK. Listen.

I gotta tell you
something.

After you got
caught,

I went to your
house, and--aah!

What's wrong
with you guys?

This is Jake,
Annie, your brother.

You gotta
remember him now.

Where do you get these
friends from, Jake.

Do you, uh, order them
from the back of comics?

You remember him?
You know who he is?

Yeah. In fact, I'd like
to forget him if I could.

I don't believe this.

Jake, your room's
back to normal.

What are you two yams
talking about?

[Doorbell]
Don't answer it!

You two
are losin' it.

Annie, don't! It's
the Phone Police.

Phone Police? Airhead,
I made that up.

But it's true!
They got me.

Yeah, I wish. Ha.

Pizza.

One jumbo, extra cheese, all
dressed, hold the anchovies.

Did you guys
order a pizza?

Oh, jeez, sorry.

It's , not .

Night.

I can't believe you guys bought
that story about the Phone Police.

Talk about gullible.

I'm gonna lie down.

I'm exhausted.

It did happen, though,
didn't it?

[Ring]

[Ring]

Man: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jake and Chris never made
another crank call

'cause they were
never sure

if the Phone Police
were really real,

or if they could
believe anything else

they ever saw... again.

The end!

[Laughter]

Excellent, Tucker. The.

Great story, Tuck.

Great story.

I declare this meeting
of the Midnight Society

closed.

[Ring]

[Together]
I'll get it!

[Ring]

Ha ha.

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]