Right, let's sort the buyers
from the spyers,
the needy from the greedy,
and those who trust me
from the ones who don't.
Because if you can't see value here today,
you're not up here shopping,
you're up here shoplifting.
You see these goods?
Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite
or Fanny by the gaslight.
Take a bag.
Come on, take a bag.
I took a bag home last night,
and it cost me a lot more
than £10, I can tell you.
Anyone like jewelry?
Look at that one there. Handmade
in Italy, hand stolen in Stepney.
It's as long as my arm. I wish it
was as long as something else.
Don't think 'cause these boxes
are sealed up they're empty.
The only man who sells empty
boxes is the undertaker.
And by the look of some
of you lot here today,
I'd make more money with me
measuring tape. Here, one price.
- £10.
- Did you say £10?
Are you deaf?
That's a bargain.
I'll take one.
Squeeze in if you can. Left leg,
right leg, your body will follow.
They call it walking. You
want one as well, darling?
You do. That's it,
they're waking up.
Treat the wife, treat
somebody else's wife.
It's a lot more fun
if you don't get caught.
Hold on, you want one as well?
Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then.
It's no good standing out there
like 1:00 half struck.
Buy them, you better buy them!
These are not stolen, they
just haven't been paid for.
And we can't get them again,
they've changed the bloody locks.
Here, one for you. It's
no good coming back later
when I've sold out.
"Too late, too late!"
will be the cry
when the man with the
bargains has passed you by.
And if you've got no money on you now,
you'll be crying tears as
big as October cabbages.
Bacon, cozzers.
sh*t.
Ed can hustle a few quid here and there,
but his real talent lies in
cards and gambling with cards.
Bacon could see that his days of selling
moody goods on street
corners are numbered.
It's time to move on and he knows it.
And I'm 6'1 ", that's perfect
for my height, all right?
All right, you take a photo.
You're catching up with me, you are.
Look, what are you talking about?
I'm bloody skinny, pal.
Yeah, yeah, of course you are.
All right?
Nick the Greek, always a pleasure.
Tom, what have you been eating?
- I've been telling him this...
- Enough already.
You two, join me in my office.
So, how much is it then, Tom?
You know how much it is, Nick.
And that includes the amp, yeah?
No, that does not include the amp.
sh*t, Tom, I thought it included the amp.
Well, it doesn't.
I'll throw in one of these
telephones if you like,
but it does not include the amp.
Very nice.
I hope it includes the speakers.
It doesn't include the speakers,
it doesn't include the amp,
and it's not supposed
to include me
getting the hump
with your stupid questions.
Now you want it, Nick, you buy it.
What else do I get with it?
You get a gold-plated Rolls-Royce,
as long as you pay for it.
Don't know, Tom.
Seems expensive.
Seems? Well, this seems
to be a waste of my time.
That is 900 nicker in any shop
you're lucky enough to find one in,
and you're complaining about 200?
What school of finance did you study?
It's a deal, it's a steal. It's
the sale of the f*cking century.
In fact, f*ck it, Nick,
I think I'll keep it.
All right, all right, keep your Alans on.
Here's a ton.
Jesus Christ.
You could choke a dozen
donkeys on that.
And you're haggling over £100?
What do you do when you're
not buying stereos, Nick?
Finance revolutions?
£100 is still £100.
Not when the price is £200, it's not.
And certainly not when you got
Liberia's deficit in your sky rocket.
Tighter than a duck's butt you are.
Now come on,
let me feel the fiber of your fabric.
The skinny one is Tom,
and he's the entrepreneur of the bunch.
He's got a couple of dirty little fingers
in a couple of dirty little pies.
Nick, here, however,
has made it his business
to have all 20 fat little fingers and toes
in every dirty bent
and stolen pie in London.
Between the two of them, there
ain't much you can't get ahold of.
That's my 25 grand, it's all there.
It took me a long time to earn that,
so you treat it with respect.
What about the chef?
What have you come as?
Cupid, stupid.
That's the last time I'm getting
any more fruit off of you, Tom.
Do you call that fresh?
There was more small, hairy armored things
in your fruit than there was fruit.
You should open a butcher's,
not a grocer's.
Well, if you will order
stuff from Katmandu,
don't be surprised if it picks
up a few tourists en route.
Anyway, enough about that.
Where's the money?
Oi!
Keep your fingers out of my soup.
Soap is called Soap because he
likes to keep his hands clean
of any unlawful behavior.
He's proud of his job and
even more proud that it's legal.
He represents the more
sensible side of the four.
You sure you can afford 25?
That depends on how you look at it.
I can afford it as long as I see it again,
if that's what you mean.
Got the rest from the fat man and Bacon?
Fat man, Bacon and myself.
Looks like it's time to
make that call to Harry.
Who's this fat man then, eh?
Do you want a sandwich, Bacon?
It's not easy to take a
seat at this card table.
The amount of money involved
has to be 100 grand upwards,
and there's no shortage of punters.
The man who decides whether you can
play or not is this man, Harry.
Or as some, including himself,
like to call him, Hatchet Harry.
You got it all?
100 grand.
Well, if you got it, you got it.
Now, if you don't mind...
What's this Eddie like, then?
He's a f*cking thief.
Harry has a colleague, a monster
of a man, Barry the Baptist.
The Baptist got his name by
drowning people for Hatchet.
- Are you gonna f*cking pay?
- Yeah, I'll pay!
- How are you gonna f*cking pay?
- I'm gonna pay it.
Barry makes sure the administrative
side of the business runs harmoniously.
The boy's got a rare ability.
He seems to make cards transparent.
He's got...
All right, all right,
so we can say he's good.
Oh, no, he's better than good.
He's a f*cking liability.
Here, hold on.
What do you think of these?
We're selling hundreds.
Very nice, Harry.
What's it for?
Oh, don't play innocent with me, Bazza.
Spanking.
There's 25 from me,
Tom, Soap and yourself.
That's 100 grand to the pound.
So why the f*ck are you counting it?
Because I like to.
So, a reasonable return should
be in the region of 120 grand.
That's for 25 grand invested,
going on previous experience.
Going on optimism.
Whatever it's going on,
it should be enough to send
you on a cooking course.
You're not funny, Tom.
You're fat.
And look as though you
should be, but you're not.
Fat? Who are you calling...
Jesus!
It's good in here, isn't it?
Handy for the tube, great electrics.
I can see why you moved in.
Don't knock it,
it's cheap like the budgie.
And nobody wants to live next
to the people we live next to.
A bit anti-social
to say the least.
What do you mean?
He means they're thieving bastards.
I mean, when they're not
picking peanuts out of poop,
they rip off unfortunate souls
of their hard-earned dr*gs.
Not exactly thick, these walls.
Nice work, John.
Get yourself a drink.
Is that it?
How many times do I have to
tell you, Plank?
You find us a job worth doing,
you'll find your share improving.
Now, have you got a problem with that?
You know, Charles,
this gear is getting heavier.
I have a strong suspicion we
should've been rocket scientists
or Nobel Peace Prize winners
or something.
Peace Prize?
Be lucky to find your penis for a piss
the amount you keep smoking.
Who the hell's that?
All right, Willie?
Does it look like I'm all right?
Take this.
I'm in danger of breaking sweat
at any second.
Charles, why have we got that cage?
Security?
That's right.
That's right, security.
So what's the point in having it
if we're not gonna f*cking use it?
Well, I would have used it,
Winston, but this is Willie.
And Willie lives here.
Yes, Charles, but you
didn't know it was Willie
until you opened the door, did you?
Chill, Winston.
It's me.
Charlie knows it's me.
What's the problem?
The problem is, Willie,
that Charles and yourself are
not the quickest of cats
at the best of times.
So just do as I say
and keep the f*cking cage locked!
What is that?
- That's Gloria.
- Yes, I know that's Gloria.
What's that?
Fertilizer.
You went out six hours ago
to buy a money counter,
and you come back with a semi-conscious
Gloria and a bag of fertilizer?
Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
We need fertilizer, Winston.
We also need a money counter.
This money's gotta be out by Thursday.
I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it.
And if you do have to buy
sodding fertilizer,
could you just be a little more subtle?
What do you mean?
We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah?
Yeah.
And you're carrying a wasted
girl and a bag of fertilizer.
You don't look like your average
horti-f*cking-culturalist.
That's what I mean, Willie.
How long's he been in there, Son?
About 20 minutes.
He's on his own?
Yeah, just carrying a bag.
All right, let's pay him a
little visit then, shall we?
Big Chris settles debts for Harry.
The only thing he cares more
about than an unsettled debt,
is his son and heir, Little Chris.
This is one of them
high-powered jobs, isn't it?
Got some bad news for you, John.
What the f*ck...
You mind your language
in front of the boy.
Jesus Christ.
That includes blasphemy as well.
Now tell me, John,
how can you be concentrating
on improving this lovely tan,
and it is a lovely tan by the way,
when you've got
more pressing priorities at hand?
Tell Harry...
I mean Mr. Harry,
I've been busy.
I'm nearly there.
Check his locker, Son.
I don't suppose there's any chance
of you lifting this sun bed up,
Chris, is there?
He's not poor.
He's got over a monkey here,
and that's just in his wallet.
f*cking hell, John,
you always walk around
with that in your pocket?
Oi!
You use language like that again,
Son, you'll wish you hadn't.
Sorry, Dad.
Right, well, put the rest
of the stuff in that.
You can go home in a
plastic bag tonight, John.
You owe what you owe,
and by the time this tan's faded,
you wanna have paid.
You never would have paid.
Who would pay for sh*t?
Yeah, exactly. I mean
we ain't too certain...
Well, what the hell are you doing here?
Why, what's up?
Let me guess.
My foot in your arse.
Game of cards?
Hatchet Harry?
You're supposed to be
getting your rest in, boy.
You playing cards tonight, Son?
With Harry?
Don't be silly, Dad.
I wouldn't have anything to do with that.
Where did he get 100 grand?
He's got some adhesive mates.
I mean they're like brothers.
They've tossed up between them.
And JD is his dad and owns
he whole property?
No mortgage, no debts.
Lock, stock, the f*cking lot.
Don't you worry, Harry.
I've got it under control.
Good. You can get this
under control now.
It seems that Lord Appleton
Smythe has run out of money.
And these little beauties
are up for auction.
But I'm not paying a quarter
of a million quid for them,
if you know what I mean, Barry.
Make sure we get everything
from inside the g*n cabinet.
I don't wanna know who you use,
as long as they're not complete muppets.
And don't tell them
what they're worth, Barry.
Right, where was we?
Shotguns? What,
like g*ns that fire sh*t?
You must be the brains, then.
That's right, g*ns that fire sh*ts.
Make sure you bring everything
from inside the g*n cabinet.
There'll be a load of old g*ns.
That's all I want.
Everything else outside the cabinet,
you can keep.
It's yours.
Thank you very much.
There'd better be something there for us.
It's a f*cking stately home.
Of course there'll be something there.
Like what?
Like f*cking antiques.
Antiques? What the f*ck
do we know about antiques?
We rob post offices.
And steal cars.
What the f*ck do we know
about antiques, mate?
If it looks old, it's worth money.
Simple.
So stop f*cking moaning
and rob the place.
So who's the guv?
Who are we doing this for?
You're doing it for me,
is all you need to know.
You know because you need to know.
I see.
One of those on-a-need-to-know-basis
things, is it?
Like one of those James Bond films.
Careful, remember
who's giving you this job.
Right, I'm off.
Call me when you're done.
Ta-ta.
f*cking Northern monkeys!
I hate these f*cking Southern fairies.
Ed has been playing cards
since he could lift them up,
and he soon discovered that
he had a big advantage.
It's not that he's good with cards
or even good at counting them.
It's that he's good with reading people's
reactions, no matter how subtle.
And everybody has reactions,
especially when it comes to money.
Invitations.
Invitations?
Yeah, invitations.
You know, four pretty white pieces
of paper with your names on them?
Well, we've got 100,000 bits of paper
with the Queen's head on them.
Will that do?
All right, just you.
The others, they can wait
next door in Samoan Jo's.
Samoan Jo's?
You mean the pub?
Hold on... Hold on to
your f*cking tongue,
and I will hold onto my patience,
okay, sonny?
No one in here tonight but card
players, and I do mean no one.
Evening, Frazer.
Don, Phil.
It's a bit dramatic, isn't it?
Is this supposed to be symbolic?
Apparently, it's for security.
Yeah? I'd have brought me
gloves if I'd have known.
You must be Eddie, JD's son.
You must be Harry.
Sorry, didn't know your father.
Never mind, son.
You just might meet him if
you carry on like that.
Evening, Tanya, been a while.
All right, Ed?
Right, we call each other Kenny,
okay, Gary?
All right, Kenny.
You gonna put your stocking on, or what?
I've just spent 220 quid on me hair.
If you think I'm pulling
a stocking over it,
you're very much mistaken.
You're gonna have to put something on.
This is three card brag, gentlemen.
That means three three's are the highest,
then three aces,
then running down accordingly.
Then it's a running flush,
a run, a flush and then a pair.
An open man can't see a blind man,
and it will cost you twice the
ante to see your opponent.
Now don't f*ck around, fellas.
You all know the rules,
and you know I won't stand for it.
What are you doing?
Put that back.
We're here to rob the g*ns.
Put it back.
It's crap anyway.
Come on.
Come in.
What sort of pub is this, then?
It's a Samoan pub.
What's that?
It's a cocktail.
You asked for a cocktail.
No, I asked you to give me
a refreshing drink.
I wasn't expecting
a f*cking rain forest.
You could fall in love
with an orangutan in that.
You want a pint, go to the pub.
I thought this was a pub.
It's a Samoan pub.
Well, whatever it is, can you get
your man to turn the TV down?
You can ask him
if you like.
If I was you,
I'd leave him well alone.
Here, get rid of that.
Bring us a Diet Coke.
Excuse me, can you turn that TV down?
No.
Whoa, whoa, Kenny!
What are you doing?
I am trying to find out
where they keep their money!
You twat, can't you see
these people have got no money?
They can't even afford new furniture.
We've got the g*ns.
What's the matter with you?
Every time we do a job, you
have to go burning people's feet.
What's wrong with you?
You wanna be more careful, old fella.
You very nearly took my man's
head clean off with that.
You all right, Kenny?
Kenny?
10 grand, blind.
20 grand, open.
Deep end, eh?
Fold.
Gotcha.
20 grand, open.
I'll fold.
Don't go spending that all at once, boy.
Oh, bloody hell.
What?
I thought you said
there'd be no staff, Barry.
Did you get those g*ns?
You wanna see what
they did to poor Gary?
Gary. Gary.
I said, did you get those g*ns?
Yes! We got them!
Good. I'll speak
to you later.
Gary, if you can hear me, get
back in the car now, mate, okay?
Barry. Barry.
f*cking Southern
shandy-drinking bastard! Gary!
Give me my money!
Give me back my money,
you f*cking snake!
You give me my money!
Give me back my money!
Give it back!
Wankers!
Wankers!
Come on, you. Not now, please.
Not now.
Oh, you f*cking bastard.
You bastard.
Oh, my good God.
We'll take you to the cleaners.
20 grand, open.
£30,000.
Back to you already, Eddie.
50 grand.
80 grand.
100 grand.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Look, fellas, I know...
I know you're not in.
Which means no one cares what you know.
250.
That's quite a raise.
That's 150 on my 100.
Yeah, and is there anything else
you wanna say?
As you know, this puts us
in an awkward position.
I don't have enough to continue.
We will have to see both your cards
if no one loans Eddie
the money to continue.
It's a loan or we see both your cards.
I will.
You will what?
I will loan you the money.
No, I think I'd rather
just turn them over.
I'm not interested in
what you would rather.
I wanna keep going.
I'm also offering you the money.
So we don't have to turn them over,
because you can borrow.
I need 250 grand.
No, you need 500 grand to see me.
That's if I want to see you.
Well, you're gonna have a
problem carrying on, ain't you?
I'll see you.
Okay, before I loan you this
I expect, if you lose, of course,
my money back within a week.
Crystal?
That's Sunday, okay?
Is that it?
Now let's see his f*cking cards.
Hello, boy.
Feeling a bit poorly?
I know your friends are responsible
for most of the cash.
So, I'm gonna give you
one week to find it.
Otherwise, I will take a finger
off each of you and your friends' hands
for every day that passes without payment.
And then when you run out of digits,
your dad's bar,
and who knows what then.
All right, my son?
This doesn't look good.
He then proceeded to explain
the unfortunate position they were in.
Harry was going to start
sizing up all their fingers in a week,
because he knew there was no way
Ed could settle that debt on his own.
Harry saw it as their money on the table,
so it was also their debt off the table.
Ed would hate admit it,
but he could have kissed
the old bastard for that.
If he said he wanted to settle the debt
on his own, it would have been a lie.
Now, I wish to Christ he would have
let me settle the debt on my own.
I'm gonna k*ll him!
Stop f*cking about, Tom,
and think about what we're gonna do.
Now sit down.
What's all the fuss about Harry?
Why don't we just boycott the payment?
Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry.
Once there was this geezer
called Smithy Robinson
who worked for Harry,
but it was rumored
that he was on the take.
Harry's invited Smithy
round for an explanation.
Smithy didn't do a very good job.
Within a minute,
Harry's lost his rag, reached out
for the nearest thing at hand,
which happened to be a
15-inch black rubber cock.
He then proceeded to batter
poor Smithy to death with it.
Now that was seen as
a pleasant way to go.
Hence, Hatchet Harry is a
man you pay if you owe.
Don't worry, I'll think of something.
"Golf. The best way
to spoil a good walk."
Winston Churchill said that.
I say it's a dog-eat-dog world,
and I've got bigger teeth than you two.
I think our friend is trying
to tell us something.
Perhaps not. Perhaps I should take
another swing just to make sure.
Give me a five iron, John.
Certainly, Dog.
Now, keep still.
Yes, Gordon, is there something
you'd like to tell us?
It's in the fireplace.
Shut it, you idiot!
Yes, Gordon, you were saying?
It's in the fireplace.
Just pull it out.
It's in the bottom.
It's in the fireplace, Plank.
Just pull it out.
It's in the bottom.
Oh, Dog, I think you want
to have a look at this.
You gonna let me down now?
No.
I'm not finished with you yet.
Steel.
Help, help, help!
Oh, Dog.
It's all up to you, audience.
You have to decide,
yes, you have to decide
who the winner is going to be.
Who the hell's that?
It's only 12:00.
Use the cage,
that's what it's there for.
Who is it?
We have got security
for a reason, Willie.
Chill, Winston.
It's only Plank.
This weed's getting quite a rep,
you know, fellas.
All right? Easy.
Jesus!
Never saw you there.
Hello, love.
Enjoying yourself?
Is she compos?
What do you think?
Boo!
f*ck me.
Clean that up, Charles.
Sod you.
You clean it up.
Sorry, fellas, but that stupid cow
scared the f*cking life out of me!
Never mind.
Can you just sit down?
Stay out of the way?
Look, how much is it you want?
I'm after a half weight.
Right, well, that's £1,500 then.
Pass the scales, Willie.
Give us some gear, J.
Any chance of actually seeing the money?
The odds are 100-to-one.
All as we need is 5 grand.
I'd rather put my money on a
three-legged rocking horse.
The odds are 100-to-one
for a good reason, Bacon.
You won't win.
Where's Eddie?
Where do you think?
The bottom of a bottle.
And has been for two days.
It's hit him hard.
Yeah, it's hit us all hard.
Yeah, but he's got to tell his dad
he's about to lose his bar.
Listen to this one.
You open up a company
- called Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club.
- You what?
You take out an advert in the
back page of some gay mag,
advertising the latest in
arse-intruding dildos.
You sell it with, I don't know,
"Does what no other dildo
can do until now."
"The latest and greatest
in sexual technology."
"Guaranteed results or your
money back." All that bollocks.
Now these dills cost 25 quid a pop.
That's a snip for the amount of pleasure
they're gonna give the recipients.
But they send their checks
to the other company name,
nothing offensive, Bobbie's Bits,
or something, for 25 quid.
You take that 25 quid,
you stick it in the bank until it clears.
Now this is the smart bit.
You send back the check for £25
from the other company name,
Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club, saying,
"We're sorry, and we couldn't
get the supplies from America,
"because they've
run out of stock."
Now you see how many
people cash that check.
Not a single soul.
Because who wants
their bank manager to know
they tickle arse
when they're not paying in checks?
So how long do you have to
wait till you see the return?
Probably no more than four weeks.
A month?
So what f*cking good is that
if we need it in six...
No, five days.
Well, it's still a good idea.
He may know we smoke a lot
and burn a bit of profit,
but he can't have any idea how much
hard currency we've accumulated.
I don't know.
Do you know?
We can just slice it off the top.
You guys gotta realize who this chap is.
He might look a bit silly,
but he's a f*cking lunatic.
And if he gets the slightest inkling
we're not throwing straight dice,
then you and me are gonna know what the
sharp side of a kebab Kn*fe feels like.
So you know these geezers well?
Well enough.
I've been buying gear off
one of them for a couple of years.
So, what are they like then?
Poofs. Nothing heavy.
Four public schoolboys.
Soft as shite.
They ponce around in funny hippy
clothes all day, talking bollocks.
They're just good at growing weed,
that's all.
Business has got bigger than
what they can keep up with.
Well, they can't all
be stupid, can they?
Think about it. They've got a
container load of cash in shoeboxes.
They're selling class-A gear.
Don't you think there might
be someone sensible involved?
What about security?
There's one steel gate as you go in,
but they never lock it.
What do you mean, never lock it?
What have they
got it there for then?
I must have been there 50 times.
It's never locked.
They're not suspicious.
Everyone who goes there's a toff.
They're all into that karma crap.
"If I don't harm nobody,
nobody harms me" stuff.
No way they can get back to you?
Even if they could, they'd be
too sh*t scared. I'm a geezer.
They got no muscle.
Gutless faggots.
Fancy one?
What's all the flapping about?
You told the old man yet?
Hoping I won't need to.
I've got a plan.
Now listen carefully.
Hello, boys.
Harry.
Do you want a drink?
Hello, my son, do you want a lolly?
Piss off, you nonce.
Oi! Watch it.
No thanks, Harry.
We're both all right.
Nice sh**t.
Yeah, one of a pair.
Holland & Holland.
Do you want to hold it?
No, not my thing.
Thanks, Harry.
Business good?
I imagine that's why I'm here.
Four young fellas got in
deeper than they could handle.
They owe me half a million pound.
How much?
Half a million.
I'm game.
Me, too.
Oh, God.
Right.
We hit them as soon as they come back.
We'll be prepared, waiting.
And they're armed.
What was that?
Armed?
What do you mean, armed?
Armed with what?
Bad breath, colorful language,
feather duster...
What do you think
they're gonna be armed with?
g*ns, you tit.
g*ns? You never
said anything about g*ns.
A minute ago this was the
safest job in the world.
Now it's turning into
a bad day in Bosnia.
Soap, stop being such a mincer.
I've thought about that and...
And what exactly?
And all we have to do is
find out who's carrying them.
Carrying them?
Well, they could all be
carrying them for what we know.
No. Only one of them
carries them going to the job.
So I assume the same one
will be carrying them
when they come back from the job.
Oh, you assume, do you?
And what do they say about assumption
being the brother of all f*ck-ups?
It's the mother
of all f*ck-ups, stupid.
Well, brother, mother
any other sucker,
it don't make any difference.
They're still f*cking g*ns,
and they still fire f*cking b*ll*ts.
Soap, if you have a better idea
how to get £500,000
in the next few days,
let us know.
In the meantime, Tom, you talk to Nick
the Bubble about shifting the weed.
- Weed?
- No, it's not normal weed.
It's some
f*cked-up-skunk, class-A,
I-can't-think-let-alone-move
sh*t.
Doesn't sound very good me.
No, neither me. But it depends
what flicks your switch.
And the light is on and
burning brightly for the masses.
Anyway, do you know anyone?
I know a man, yes.
Rory Breaker.
Not that madman with an Afro?
I don't want anything to do with him.
You won't have to.
Just get me a sample.
No can do.
What's that?
A place near Katmandu?
Meet me halfway, mate.
Look, it's all completely chicken soup.
- It's what?
- It's kosher as Christmas.
Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.
Yeah, well,
never mind that.
I'm gonna need
some a*tillery, too.
Couple of
sawn-off shotguns.
This is a bit heavy.
This is London,
not the Lebanon.
Who do you think I am?
I think you're Nick the Greek.
Hold those two.
I don't normally have anything
to do with weed, Nick.
But if it is what he says it is,
I'll take it off him
for 3.5 grand a key.
That is if it is what he says it is.
I don't want to see it after a sample,
I don't want to touch it after a sample.
I'll leave you in the
capable hands of Nathan here.
He'll sort out the details.
But just let me tell you one thing.
If the milk turns out to be sour,
I ain't the kind of p*ssy to drink it.
Do you know what I mean?
Rory Breaker.
Rory? Yeah, I know Rory.
He's not to be underestimated.
He's a funny looking fucker, I know.
But you've got to look past the
hair and the cute cuddly thing.
It's all a deceptive facade.
A few nights ago,
Rory's Roger iron rusted.
He's gone down the Battle Cruiser to
watch the end of a football game.
No one's watching the custard,
so he switches the channel over.
A fat geezer's north opens.
And he wanders up
and turns the Liza over.
"Now f*ck off and
watch it somewhere else."
Rory knows claret is imminent, but
doesn't wanna miss the end of the game.
So calm as a coma,
picks up a fire extinguisher,
walks straight past the jam rolls
who are ready for action
and plonks it outside the entrance.
He then orders an Aristotle of the most
ping-pong tiddly in the nuclear sub
and switches back to his footer.
"That's f*cking it," says the geezer.
"That's f*cking what?"
says Rory.
And he gobs out a mouthful
of booze covering Fatty.
He flicks a flaming match
into his bird's nest,
and the geezer's lit up
like a leaking gas pipe.
Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game.
His team's won, too.
Four-nil.
Oi!
Is your hair supposed to look like that?
All right, short stuff?
Never mind
"short stuff."
Listen, the next time
we do a job like this,
we're gonna want more money, Barry.
Or we're going back to post
offices and cars. f*ck that.
Where's the others?
There was no others.
Stop f*cking around.
The others, the old ones.
I don't know what you mean.
There were two old g*ns there.
Where are they now?
Not in the cabinet,
there wasn't.
There was a couple of old hammer-lock
muskets the butler was carrying.
But they were ours,
we sold them.
Well, you better
unsell them, sharpish.
We had to sell them.
We needed the money!
I'm not f*cking interested!
If you don't want to be counting
the fingers you haven't got
I suggest you get those g*ns, quick!
Jesus.
If I pick them up,
will they stay in one piece?
Where'd you get them?
I got contacts.
Listen, Tom,
you point them at me,
I'll sh*t myself or do
whatever you say to do.
Either way you
get the desired effect.
Oh, they look very nice, I agree,
but they're lacking in
criminal credibility, ain't they?
I might get laughed at.
How much do you want
for these muskets?
£700 each.
What's that? A pound for
every year they've been about?
I know they're antiques,
but I ain't paying antique prices.
They're a bit long, ain't they?
Sawn-offs are out.
People want a bit more
range these days.
Range?
I don't want to blow the arse
out of this country, granted.
But I don't want anyone blowing
a raspberry at me, either.
I want to look f*cking mean.
Of course you'll look mean.
You'll look really scary.
Anyway, enough about that.
What about this geezer
who sells dr*gs?
Rory Breaker's standing by.
You stand to make a lot of money,
tubby Tommy.
I understand if this has
come as a bit of a shock,
but let me tell you how this can be
resolved by you, the good father.
Go on.
He likes your bar.
Yes?
He wants your bar.
And?
Do you want me to draw you a picture?
Look, that boy doesn't know
his arsehole from his ear hole.
This is my bar.
It's got nothing
to do with him.
What, and I care?
Remember, you do have
the luxurious advantage
of being able
to sustain your son's life.
And you do have
a reputation,
so I'll choose my
words very carefully.
You tell Harry to go f*ck himself.
Now,
I'll put that down to shock.
Only once.
Only once can I or shall I
let you get away with that.
Your son's got three days
to find half a mil.
But make up your mind which you prefer,
your bar or your son.
Plank goes in first.
There's a cage, but it's never locked.
- Is it, Plank?
- Never.
It don't wanna be.
All right, once he's got himself set,
he gets the rest of us in.
Now we get nasty with a couple of them.
sh*t them up, gag them, whatever.
Now these wankers shouldn't
give us any problems.
But like any cowboys,
there'll be a few tools lying around.
When the job's done, we come
straight back here and unload.
And Robert's your father's brother.
Everyone savvy?
Sweet.
Have a look at these.
And what are we supposed do with these?
Put them on your head, stupid.
Christ.
If you think I'm gonna turn up there
clean-shaven and greet them
with a grin on my face,
you got another thing coming.
Now these fellas,
they're your neighbors.
I thought it might be a good idea
to disguise ourselves a little.
Right. Yeah, good thinking, Soap.
Well done.
I brought weapons as well.
Weapons? What do
you mean, weapons?
These.
Jesus.
Let's keep them covered up, eh?
Couldn't you have got
anything a bit bigger?
What, like that?
What do you think?
I think you need help.
Bar steward, can we have
a couple of drinks, please?
Have you seen your dad?
Hatchet sent one
of his men around.
Oh, sh*t. When?
Crazy...
Where did you get these?
A f*cking museum?
Nick the Greek.
How much did you part with?
£700 for the pair.
Drachmas, I hope.
I'd feel safer
with a chicken drumstick.
These are gonna do more harm than good.
Jesus, Tom, do these work?
Don't know. Look nice
though, don't they?
I rather like them.
That's top of the list
of priorities, that is.
Ladies,
back to more important issues,
if you don't mind.
We have only got two real g*ns.
Apparently, that's what they are.
So we find a good place
to hide next door,
we wait till it sounds
like the right time,
then we
jack-in-the-box,
look nasty and stuff,
cocoon them in gaffer tape,
nick their van, swap the gear into
the new van and bring it all back here.
As long as we're all out of
our hiding places quickly,
it's the last thing
they're gonna expect.
Oh, and if Tom or anyone else
for that matter
feels like giving them a bit of a kicking,
I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Yeah, little bit of pain
never hurt anybody,
if you know what I mean.
Also, I think knives are a good idea.
Big, f*ck-off,
shiny ones.
Ones that look like they
could skin a crocodile.
Knives are good because
they don't make any noise.
And the less noise they make,
the more likely we are to use them.
sh*t them right up.
Makes it look like we're serious.
g*ns for show, knives for a pro.
Soap, is there something
we should know about you?
I'm not sure what's more worrying,
the job or your past.
Come on, girls.
Where the f*ck are they going?
Shift a piano?
I thought this was
meant to be a robbery.
Where did they get those outfits?
Not a bad idea, that.
All right, it's Plank.
Is Willie there?
No. I'm afraid he's not.
He's out at the moment.
Perhaps you can help.
Well, perhaps I can't, Plank,
if you know what I mean.
Look. If you could
just open the door,
so I could talk without shouting.
I can't help you, Plank.
I think you'll find
it is in your interest.
Hold on, okay?
Look, Willie, it's Plank outside for you.
He says it's in our interest.
Listen, I don't care if
it's King-f*cking-Kong!
He's not coming in here, not today.
Hold on. We are in business,
and correct me if I'm wrong,
but that is business.
Corrected. That's a walking
accident that we can do without.
Jesus, he's okay.
He knows only to
buy weights now.
We're looking at at least
a couple of thou.
What do you think, Winston?
Willie, this is the last time, all right?
But you and the money
are going out the back.
If he knows you're here, he'll be all day.
Now just clear this sh*t up.
- What, now?
- Yes. Now!
Just get rid of him quick.
All right, just coming.
What the f*ck is he doing?
Come on, I can't wait out here all day.
All right, just coming.
I thought you was gonna
leave me out there all day.
I didn't know you were
a removals man, Plank.
Lives and learns, don't you?
You keep the gates locked now, do you?
Sorry, gotta do business like this now.
Can't be too careful these days.
I know. Shut it!
You say a f*cking word,
the right ear goes.
Another one, then your left.
What are you doing, Plank?
What do you think I'm doing?
Hang on, what are you doing?
Unlock the gate.
All right, I said unlock
the f*cking gate!
That's it! Go, go, go!
f*cking move!
What the f*ck's going on?
Just hang on, I've got the keys.
The gate's locked!
I don't believe the
f*cking gate's locked!
What have you done to Fauntleroy?
I didn't touch him.
He just passed out.
Don't just stand there.
Get that f*cking door shut.
You want the world to see us?
What's going on down there?
sh*t.
Charles, get the r*fle out.
We're being f*cked.
It must be this one.
Hold that g*n.
Plank, give me the keys.
Give me the keys, Plank.
Don't point it at me,
bollocks, point it in there.
Planks of wood.
I'm working with f*cking
planks of wood.
sh*t.
What the f*ck is that?
What the f*ck's that?
It's me Bren g*n.
Don't you think you could have brought
something a little bit more practical?
Don't none of you slags move.
I'll k*ll the f*cking lot of you!
Who are you gonna k*ll, Plank?
There's no one
f*cking there.
They f*cking sh*t me.
Well, sh**t them back.
Jesus, Plank. Couldn't you
have got smokeless cartridges?
I can't see a bloody thing.
sh*t.
I've been sh*t.
I don't f*cking believe this.
Could everyone stop getting sh*t?
John, sit down and patch yourself up.
You tart, it's a f*cking air r*fle.
What the f*ck was that?
Well, that was the Bren g*n.
If you fire that g*n again,
you're a dead man.
Understand? Dead.
No ifs, no buts,
you're a f*cking dead man!
All right, all right.
I've got the bollock ache with this.
Where's me f*cking g*n?
All right, now that I've
got your attention,
firstly I'm gonna blow his toes off.
sh*t. There go his toes.
Now if you want me out of
here in five minutes flat,
open the f*cking gate,
'cause I'm gonna blow his leg off.
They're gonna f*cking k*ll us
if we do, man.
Poor J will certainly get it if we don't.
He's serious.
I'm losing patience.
Hurry up, girls.
It's all right.
All f*cking right.
Willie, he doesn't know you're here.
Just...
Sort something out.
And all your friends,
there's a good lad.
There's only three of us here.
I don't believe you. f*ck it,
I'm gonna blow his leg off.
I mean it.
It's only three of us.
Plank?
Yeah.
One of them is out.
Now open the gate.
Up, up, up.
There's a good lad.
John, get them tied up.
Plank, where's the money?
There. In those shoeboxes.
- Where?
- Out the back.
- And the weed?
- Out the back.
- Point.
- With what?
Your f*cking hands, now.
I'm tied up.
Well, nod your head or something.
Check it out.
Plank, get Paul
out of that van, lively.
Kn*fe.
I'm gonna cut him.
Make sure he knows he's dead.
How you doing, Mick?
How do you think I'm doing?
He's f*cking nearly chopped me arm off.
Jesus Christ.
Lenny, what the f*ck's
been going on here?
Shut up, you idiot.
It's Hanukkah.
Well, don't just stand there.
Have you got the bags?
Can you fit it all in?
It's a lot.
I can't get Epping Forest in my van.
Can't?
I don't wanna hear "can't."
Bollocks to can't.
You'll fit it all in if you
have to make two trips.
Bollocks.
You've got a ticket already.
And if you don't move it,
we will move it for you.
I'll only be a minute.
You've already been 15.
Look.
Come and have a look.
At what, exactly?
- Well, the van's half full.
- So?
So, all I've got to do is fill it up,
- put you in it...
- What?
And I'm off.
Do you think you can carry
more than one bag this time?
I can't.
My neck, Dog.
How many more bags?
Just a couple.
Mick, you dead yet?
I'll be all right,
once I've dealt with
that lanky prick.
Do it quietly.
It's time I say,
"Good night, nurse."
Where the f*ck did she come from?
That is it. Tie her up.
We're out of here.
What are you doing, Ed?
Do you want one?
No, I f*cking don't.
You cannot make a
cup of tea, Edward.
The entire British Empire
was built on cups of tea.
Yeah, and look what happened to that.
And if you think I'm going to w*r
without one, mate, you're mistaken.
Going to w*r with what?
Have you forgotten those g*ns,
you dozy prat?
You won't get away with this.
Paul, what's that?
It's a traffic warden.
I can see it's a f*cking traffic warden.
What's he doing in the back of the van?
He was gonna call the cozzers.
Fair enough, we'll deal with him later.
How are we doing, Tom?
Right as rain.
I'm just gonna take care of the cabs.
Keep us posted.
All right, mate, do you do airports?
Where the hell are we gonna hide?
Don't complicate
things. Just hide.
We're on.
Cor, they weigh a pound or two.
Shut up and back up!
Spin round, big boy.
What the f*ck?
Stay down.
Stay down!
Tie them up,
tape them up, hands and face.
On the floor!
Bend over the f*cking desk.
Keys.
I want keys. Now!
I'll find you.
Course you will, sweetheart.
I'll find you.
What do you think this is,
f*cking hide-and-seek?
That one.
Search that one.
Right, I'll see you in the van when
you've finished with handsome here.
Jesus, that wasn't too bad, was it?
When the bottle in my arse has
contracted, I'll let you know.
Bacon, see what we've got.
Let's have a butchers, eh?
We've hit the jackpot, lads.
We've got God knows how much
of this stinking weed,
a sh*t load of cash
and a traffic warden.
What?
Jesus, Ed, we got a traffic warden.
I think he's still alive.
He's got claret
coming out of him somewhere.
What did they want
with a traffic warden?
I don't know,
but I don't think we need him.
Knock him out
and dump him at the lights.
Knock him out?
What do you mean, knock him out?
Knock him out with what?
I don't know!
Use your imagination!
Don't touch him up.
Knock him out!
I'll knock you out in a minute.
Look, you want to knock him out,
you knock him out.
I f*cking hate traffic wardens.
It's about time you gave
my young friends a visit, Chris.
Tomorrow's the day and mum's the word.
Now I can't have that, can I, Baz?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean, it's a liberty.
And I can't have a liberty taken,
can I, Chris?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean, it's enough
to give me the arsehole.
And I can't have the arsehole,
can I, boys?
No, Harry, you can't.
Right, that's it.
We're done.
- We're off.
- Here, Ed.
Are you sure it's a good idea
taking this back to yours?
Well, it's the only place
we can take it,
and it's the last place
they're gonna look.
Anyway, f*ck it!
The battle is over and the w*r is won.
Now, Tom. You take this
to Nick the Bubble,
then we get rid of it quick.
It's skunk, and it's as good as it gets.
All right, we'll take it.
Half price.
I don't think he'll like that.
You said 3.5 a key,
and you know that's a good price.
It was yesterday
I said three and a half,
and now it's today if I'm not mistaken.
We'll take it tomorrow, half price.
If he wants to get rid of it quick,
he'll have to take it.
Now look,
I've got a race coming up in a minute,
so if you'd just be kind enough to...
Lenny, take that round to Snow White
and the three little chemists.
They should have a gander of that.
I want a second opinion.
Hang on a minute, Nathan.
Something stinks.
Yeah, your f*cking aftershave.
f*ck you, funny man.
For God's sake.
Help me.
- I'm in pain. I'm in so much pain!
- Jesus.
Go in slowly, Nathan.
f*ck you, funny man, you go first.
Just get the f*ck in there, will you?
I want this house searched for bugs.
I mean, I want it stripped.
Where's the point in that?
Even if there was a bug,
they'd have taken it with them.
It's a bit late for you
to start thinking, John.
If it's a possibility,
that's good enough for me.
And when you've stripped this place,
I want every slag this side of Ceylon
pulled in and tortured badly.
I want to know
who's responsible for this.
Otherwise, I'm gonna hold you responsible.
Not a bad day.
That pile takes care of Harry.
What's left over?
Give me half a chance to count it.
What about this gear then, eh?
What, you want a toke on that?
No, I don't think I want
any of that horrible sh*t.
Can we lock up and get drunk now, please?
We sh*t one of them in the throat.
What do you want, a medal?
I'll sh**t you in the f*cking throat
if I don't get my ganja back.
The one you sh*t,
is he still in there now?
No, it was another one.
That's more like it.
Where is he?
Well, they took him with.
No, he's still alive.
What did you sh**t him with?
An air g*n?
Look, we grow weed.
We're not mercenaries.
You don't say.
Who could it be?
Where do we start, Rory?
Mr. Breaker.
Today my name is Mr. Breaker.
You think this is a coincidence?
This white shite steals my things
and thinks that he can
sell it back to me!
He's got less brains than you, Lenny!
Get Nick,
the greasy wop...
Greek bastard round here now.
If he's still stupid enough
to be on this planet.
Your stupidity might be
your one saving grace.
Uh?
Don't "uh" me, Greek boy!
How is it your f*cking stupid,
soon-to-be-dead friends
thought that they might be
able to steal my cannabis,
and then sell it back to me?
Is this a declaration of w*r?
Is this some white c**t's joke
that black c**ts don't get?
'Cause I'm not f*cking laughing, Nicolas!
I know you couldn't
have known my position,
'cause you're not that stupid
that if you did,
you wouldn't have turned up
here scratching your arse
with that,
"What's going on here" look
slapped all over your Chevy Chase.
But what you do know is
where these people live.
If you hold back anything, I'll k*ll you.
If you bend the truth, or I
think you're bending the truth,
I'll k*ll you.
If you forget anything, I'll k*ll you.
In fact, you're gonna have to work
very hard to stay alive, Nick.
Now, do you understand
everything I've said?
Because if you don't, I'll k*ll you.
Now, Mr. Bubble and Squeak,
you may enlighten me.
So we've got a bit of a problem, ain't we?
Well, yeah.
Yeah, we do.
Yeah, yeah, we do.
In fact, it's a little bit more than
a little bit of a problem, isn't it?
On a scale of things, you could say
it's the Mount f*cking Everest of problems.
And the reason it's such a
Mon-f*cking-strosity of a problem is,
you don't even got a first idea
who did this to us, have you?
Dog, we've been up all night.
It's no one from round here.
We've had them all lined up
against the wall.
If he was a toe-rag from
out of manor, we'd know.
We'd know.
You'd know?
You'd f*cking know?
You wouldn't know if it was the
next door f*cking neighbors!
Now get out there and find them!
I'm sick of the f*cking sight of you!
Get out of my f*cking sight!
You little sh*t!
Scarface.
I've watched Scarface.
If you want to know how to do a
drug deal, you watch Scarface.
That really inspires confidence, that.
This guy Rory Breaker...
Rory Breaker?
Psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?
That'll be the same man, yes.
I heard about him.
He's a f*cking lunatic.
Well, he can afford to do the
deal at the price we're selling.
It's not worth him giving us any trouble,
because he knows we'll be
a pain in the arse,
and who needs a pain in the arse?
I'll take a pain in the arse
for half-a-million quid.
You'd take a pain in the arse
for air miles.
Tom, the fatter you get,
the sadder you get.
Will you two stop flirting for a minute?
After we pay Hatchet, this deal puts us up
nearly £200,000 each.
That's not bad for a morning's work,
I think you'll agree.
So they had the cash.
And the puff.
Cheeky bastards.
Count it.
sh*t, Dog, there's a lot.
Don't you want to do it next door?
We're not going next door till we've
flayed them dead men walking.
We'll count it upstairs.
I don't want them to see
you fingering their money
when they walk through the door.
But, Dog, look...
Give us it here, dozy bastard.
Check your g*ns.
Get yourselves well hid.
You wait till they get
right inside the door,
then you give it to them.
Give me them sh**t,
you can use your own.
Yeah?
That's no way to answer the phone.
Is that you, Dean?
No, it's Lord f*cking Lucan.
Who do you think it is?
What can I do for you?
You know those g*ns I sold you?
I need them back.
Not likely, I'm afraid.
I don't think I'll be
seeing them again.
Look, I've got the money to pay for them.
I'm sure you do,
but I don't think you understand.
I ain't gonna be seeing
them or the g*ns again.
Can't get them.
If we can't get them,
we can't get them.
Well, you'll have to f*cking get them.
Look, we made the f*cking deal for
everything inside the cabinet.
Inside-out-f*cking-side.
I don't give a sh*t.
You get those g*ns,
because if you don't...
Oh, yeah, Bazza, or what?
Have you heard of Harry Lonsdale?
Otherwise known as
"Hack you up with a hatchet Harry?"
Well, this is
James Bond,
need-to-know time.
When you dance with the devil,
you wait for the song to stop.
Know what I mean?
I mean, find them,
t*rture them and k*ll them.
And bring back what belongs to me.
Because if you don't,
your family's bang in trouble.
Who was that?
That was Harry Horrible Hatchet.
Jesus, I've heard of him.
We're in sh*t.
They were his f*cking g*ns we sold.
We've got to find them.
Now, no f*cking about now, Nick.
Where can I find those g*ns?
Six black cocks and a little white
kitten sitting on the side of the road.
We're gonna do a proper decoration job.
I want the gray skies
of London illuminated.
I want that house painted red.
All right.
There's this brass standing
on the corner, right.
Dwarf walks up to her carrying a suitcase.
Winston, there, is gonna come along
and see if he recognizes any of them.
Now watch out for these fellows.
They've got a bit of an arsenal,
and they don't mind using it.
And I'm taking down her panties.
Now, does everyone here know
what they've got to do?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
What the f*ck is going on?
You got something here for me, have you?
Come on, chop-chop.
Thank you very much.
He's got the g*ns.
Go ahead, you get them.
Why me?
You're supposed to be the hard case...
You go and get the g*ns!
I drive the car!
Good boy.
Oh, get the f*cking g*ns!
I'm not going to get the f*cking g*ns!
You get the f*cking g*ns!
You f*cking...
All right, wrap them g*ns up.
Count the money.
Put your seat belt on.
f*cking g*ns!
We've got to get the f*cking g*ns,
or we're dead!
So I made sure I f*cked the
one that was coughing.
Get out of the car, you yuppy fucker!
He's the one we sh*t in the neck.
Is that right, Mr. Botanical?
Jesus.
I don't believe this.
What the f*ck has happened here?
Jesus.
The money. The gear.
This is f*cked.
No money.
No weed.
It's all been replaced
by a pile of corpses.
All right, don't panic.
Let's think about this.
No, f*ck that.
You can think about it.
I am panicking and I'm off.
How did you get your
hands on these then?
The boys had them.
I know you like these sort of things.
Wondered if you wanted them.
Yeah, I'll have them.
Was it hard work getting the money?
Not especially.
Upset a few characters though.
You counted it?
Yeah.
It's all there, to the pound.
And they were gonna pay?
Looks like it, but who knows?
The opportunity was there.
In my experience,
it's best to take that opportunity
if it's there.
Good work, Chris.
We've got to get those g*ns.
This is dangerous sh*t, Dean.
We don't even know who lives there.
Listen, I don't care who lives there!
All's I know is that it's
preferable to death by Hatchet.
Fair enough.
Let's go.
I don't think it's the right move.
It's either that,
the old boy's place and
we lose a digit daily.
I'm gonna phone him.
As if he'll care.
He'll care all right.
That was supposed
to be his money.
Whether he cares about us
or not is different.
Pass me the phone.
Yeah?
That you, boy?
It's Ed, if that's what you mean.
Pay day, isn't it?
Yeah. I wanted to talk
to you about that.
I'll bet you do.
I've got half-a-million
nickers sitting here,
which means some poor sod doesn't.
You've been upsetting a few people, boy.
But that really isn't my concern, is it?
What does concern me
is the g*ns you had.
And I want to talk to you about that.
So get your arse over here now,
and I do mean now.
Bastard! You f*cking bastard!
f*cking bastard!
What the f*ck are you doing here?
Job well done.
We made a few quid
out of that one.
Son?
Made a few quid, did you?
Where's what I want?
You all right down there, mate?
Very f*cking funny.
Where's what I want?
I've just left it in the office.
We better go to the office
and get it then.
That's if you want your son
to see his next birthday.
Now chop-f*cking-chop.
All right, fair enough.
Where are you going?
It's a 30-second drive
or a five-minute walk.
And I couldn't have parked outside.
I'd have got a ticket.
I suppose that don't matter now, does it?
Just be careful.
Right.
- You and me.
- You and who?
You know where the door handle is, Tom.
Oh, no, not again!
That's it. I'm off.
Tom,
that is our bag.
- Ed.
- Hold on.
This is our bag.
That's it, we're off.
I'll see you in the car.
I'm gonna take these g*ns.
Tom, don't f*ck about!
I'll see you in the car.
- Tom.
- It'll only take a minute.
What is going on?
I don't know.
But what I do know is
there's no more Harry,
which means there's no more debt.
And if there's no more debt,
there's no more problem.
And there's no problem
with the neighbors,
because they're all dead.
And I think, if I get this right,
we haven't done anything wrong,
and we're in the clear.
Never ever has anyone ever
been as f*cking rude
to me
as you did!
f*cking bastard!
You all right, mate?
Cheeky bastard.
Now this was an embarrassing
position for Tom to be in.
But Chris had to respect the fact
that he was holding what appeared
to be a pair of loaded shotguns.
And Tom had to respect the fact
that they were not loaded.
So, without anybody losing too much face,
Tom left through a side door,
and Chris left with the money.
And everybody else got arrested.
He's not one of them.
I think your dad would
like a word with you, Ed.
Where are the others?
They got out yesterday.
They're back at the bar.
All right, Dad?
I'm all right.
How about yourself?
Oh, I'm all right.
Could do with a drink, though.
All in good time, all in good time.
So, you in the clear?
More importantly, am I?
It appears so.
Appears?
You'll have to do better than
f*cking appears, my friend.
Well, everybody's dead, Dad.
I think that's about as
clear as you can get.
How about that drink?
You know where the bar is.
Hey?
Don't make yourself too comfortable.
Alan's got to sit there.
Alan!
You're lucky you're still breathing,
let alone able to walk.
I suggest you take
full advantage of that fact.
You took your time.
Where the hell have you been?
Sit down, I'll tell you.
So the traffic warden identified
the neighbors' bodies,
which sort of puts us in the clear.
The only thing connecting us
with the case is those shotguns.
And Tom took care of them.
You did take care of the shotguns,
didn't you, Tom?
I wanted to talk to you about that.
Well, talk.
Well, actually, no.
I've got them sitting in the car.
I was gonna sell them back
to Nick the Greek,
but I'm having a bit of
trouble getting hold of him.
You dippy bastard.
So,
the only thing connecting us with the case
is in the back of your car,
which is parked outside?
They cost us 700 quid.
I'm not gonna
throw them away.
And they're hardly likely to
trace them back to us, are they?
Do you really think it's worth
taking the risk for £700?
Tom, you're a d*ck.
Now you take those g*ns,
and you throw them off a bridge.
And throw yourself off
while you're at it.
Now, Tom.
- Look, all I'm...
- Now, Tom!
Can I have a beer, please, Dad?
I'm busy.
Get it yourself.
It seemed Hatchet
underestimated you lot,
and it seems to have cost him.
Well, I ain't gonna make
the same mistake now, am I?
So I've decided to bring your bag back.
I think the word you're looking for,
gentlemen, is "thank you."
Thank you.
Now you've presented me with a problem.
I've lost my employer.
So I've taken care of meself and me son.
Now if you think that's unfair,
you come and pay me a little visit.
But you better be waving a white flag
high and clear, so as I can see it.
Or it'll be the last little
visit you ever make.
You understand?
That's all I've come to say.
There is one more thing.
It's been emotional.
We are now officially in the
money-lending business.
You all right, Son?
Put your seat belt on.
We're out of here.
It's empty.
What's his number?
Don't, don't!
You'll jam the line!
I'll call him.
My f*cking battery.
- Oh, you...
- Give me the phone!
- No, f*ck off! I'll dial it!
- Give me the phone!
- Just be calm for a minute.
- All right, shut up and tell me the number!
f*ck you! Give me your phone!
- You'll break it! Just calm down!
- Give me the phone!
Look, you'll break it,
and it'll be f*cked, won't it?
Will you shut?
It's f*cking ringing!
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
Moderator: Maskath3