Kid Millions (1934)

[bunniefuu]

♪ What does my heart
most desire? ♪

♪ What am I craving for? ♪

♪ A tune to set my feet
on fire ♪

♪ And a ballroom floor ♪

♪ In the winter, in the summer ♪

♪ In the spring or fall ♪

♪ In the morning,
in the evening ♪

♪ Any time at all ♪

♪ An earful of music ♪

♪ An armful of you ♪

♪ A soul full of rhythm
who could ever be blue? ♪

♪ A room full of dancers ♪

♪ With still room for 2 ♪

♪ My mind full of dance time ♪

♪ And dancing with you ♪

♪ Now I don't care
if the sun goes down ♪

♪ If the sky is blue or black ♪

♪ I just know
I'm goin' to town ♪

♪ And I'm comin' back ♪

♪ With an earful of music ♪

♪ And an armful of you ♪

♪ A soul full of rhythm
who could ever be blue? ♪

♪ An earful of music ♪

♪ And an armful of you ♪

♪ A soul full of rhythm ♪

♪ Who could ever be blue? ♪

♪ Would you like to tango? ♪

♪ Would you like to waltz? ♪

♪ Would you like to carioca? ♪

♪ Would you like to start a
riot turning somersaults? ♪

♪ Would you care to shim-sham? ♪

♪ Would you like to strut? ♪

♪ I don't care what we do
for I am more than satisfied ♪

♪ As long as
you are by my side ♪

♪ As long as the band plays
hi, hidey, hey, hey, red hot ♪

♪ I got an earful of music ♪

♪ And an armful of you ♪

♪ A soul
full of red-hot rhythm ♪

♪ Who could ever be blue? ♪

♪ A room full of dancers
squeeze a little room for 2 ♪

♪ My mind is full of rhythm
when I'm dancing with you ♪

♪ I don't care ♪

♪ If the sky is blue, red,
yellow, gray, or black ♪

♪ I just know ♪

♪ That I'm goin' to town,
brother, I am comin' back ♪

♪ With an earful of music ♪

♪ And an armful of you ♪

♪ A soul full
of red-hot rhythm ♪

♪ Who could ♪

♪ Ever be blue? ♪

♪ An earful of music ♪

I got to talk to you.
I got news.

I thought I told you not to
come here when I was workin'.

Yeah, well, you ain't
workin' here anymore.

Say, what's gotten through you?

Well, I got news.
Guess what I read in the paper?

I didn't know you could read.

Remember that old bird you met on
the boardwalk in Atlantic city?

Who? His name was Wilson.

You know, he looked
like an Airedale.

Oh, yeah. What about him?

Well, he's pushin' up the daisies.
You know, dead.

Dead. I could've told you
that in Atlantic city.

Yeah. Well, take a look at that.

Somethin' has got to be done.

Can you imagine
that old buzzard signin' off

and leaving all that dough?

You know who he left
all his money to?

Don't ask me riddles. Who?

Nobody. That means you.

Me?

Say, are you nuts
as well as dumb?

It's the law. The law says

if a guy meets a dame

on the boardwalk
in Atlantic city

and introduces her
around as his wife,

she is his wife.

Yeah, and what kind
of a law is that?

Common law.

That's what you was,
his common-law wife.

Now the mug's dead,
you're his widow

and the heir to $77 million.

$77 million! Where is it?

Egg-yip. Egg-yip?

E-g-y-p-t, egg-yip.

Egypt, you dope, Egypt.

Ok, but let's grab the dough.

Let's hop a train
and go to egg-yip tonight.

You lame brain,
you can't go by train.

Egg-yip is across the ocean.

Well, there must be some
way of getting over there!

Say, what do you think?

I've dug up
professor Wilson's heir!

What? There is a son.

Where did you find him?

I followed the clue that Gerald
Lane, Wilson's assistant, gave us.

The boy is living
on a barge in Brooklyn

with an old stevedore
and his 3 sons.

Stevedore? Yes.

He's been living with them ever since
professor Wilson disappeared 23 years ago.

Did you see him? Not yet.

I'm on my way to break
the news to him now.

Say, you wire Gerald Lane,

and I'll have the boy
sail Wednesday.

Right. I'll have Lane
meet the boat at Gibraltar.

Good. Wait, bill.

You better take about
$2,000 for expense money

to get young Wilson to Egypt.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

How do you do? How do you do?

Well, pardon me,

does Edward Grant Wilson Jr.
Live around here?

Yes.

He lives on that barge.

Oh, thank you.

Eddie. Ok, Eddie.

Eddie, where are you?

Are you sure it's safe? It's ok.

All right, kids. Come on out.

It's all right.

Where is he? Where is he?

Where'd he go? Where'd he go?

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Nora, who was that guy?

He asked for you, Eddie. For me?

Maybe somebody complained

about your brothers beating you.

They ain't your real
brothers, are they, Eddie?

No, Lenny.
They're his stepbrothers.

Yes, and every chance
they get, they step on me.

Look at what Oscar gave me
on account of bein' jealous.

Whoa!

Jealous? Yeah,
jealous of Adolph for giving me this.

Boy, that's a beauty!

I even think Oscar's is bigger
than Adolph's, don't you?

Yeah. Yeah.

No, Adolph's comes clear
around to the elbow.

No!

Oscar's is bigger than Adolph's!

Take it easy,
you bunch of tarzans.

My brothers are gonna get
just what's coming to them.

I've got something
right here in my pocket,

and the next time those
gorillas lay their hands on me,

it'll be just too bad.

Eddie, you mustn't!

You got a g*n? No.

Knife? No.

Well, what is it?

Tell us what it is.

Take a look at this.

Build up your muscles
in 20 lessons.

Learn to croon
for 10 cents extra.

Come on, let's fight!

Oh, you wanna fight?

Yeah!

You can't take it, huh?

I'll show you whether you can...

If you boys wanna play,
go outside!

Come in!

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Well, what is it?

My name is William Slade.

Come on, get up.

Don't lay around like that.

Can't you see we got company?

Well, what do you want?
What's your business?

Why, I'm a lawyer.

A lawyer!

Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. First off,

it wasn't me or my sons.

We saw a cop get hit
on the head.

We saw a crowd running,
and we ran the other way.

And besides, we got an alibi.

Well, does a Mr. Edward Grant Wilson Jr.
Live here?

Sure he does! What about it?

Well, I'd like
to have a talk with him.

Now wait a minute.

If he's in a jam,
he's on his own.

Besides, he's not my son.

He's adopted.

Oh, we don't have
nothing to do with him.

You see, pop, I told you to throw him out.
He's good for nothing.

Well, I... say the word, mister,
and we'll kick his teeth out.

Well, gentlemen,
what I came here to say is that.

Mr. Edward Grant Wilson Jr.
Has inherited considerable money.

You mean dough? Yes.

How much?

Oh, about $77 million.

$77 million?

$77 million?

$77 million?

Yes, $77 million.

Say, have you got it with you?

All right. Now listen, kids,

we've got a lot of
work to do today.

Are you all ready to tune up?

Yes!

Ok, toots.

♪

1, 2.

♪

Now, Lenny, don't you know that

you're 2 bars behind
all the other kids?

Ha, don't worry about me.

I can catch up with them
any time I like.

Now cut out the kidding
and let's go.

1, 2.

♪

Gee, kids,
look at that big ship.

It's got a rich cargo.

It ain't your ship
and it's not mine.

Ah, but I've got
a ship some place,

and it's coming in some day.

And when it does...

♪ I'll have a golden castle
grand and tall ♪

♪ With 18 butlers
standing in the hall ♪

♪ And Walter Disney
paintings on the wall ♪

♪ When my ship comes in ♪

♪ I'll leave the choice
of autos up to you ♪

♪ And if you think
a big Rolls-Royce will do ♪

♪ I think I'll play it safe
and order 2 ♪

♪ When my ship comes in ♪

♪ I'll buy Barnum & Bailey ♪

♪ And move 'em right next door ♪

♪ They'll give
2 performances daily ♪

♪ For the kids
who never saw a show before ♪

♪ In golden chairs
we'll sip our tea for 2 ♪

♪ I'll have Paul whiteman
there to play for you ♪

♪ I'll have bing Crosby singing
boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ When my ship comes in ♪

♪ I'll buy out
every ice-cream factory ♪

♪ So all the kids can come
and get in free ♪

♪ And I'll throw
all the spinach in the sea ♪

♪ When my ship comes in ♪

♪ I'll buy up all the
public schools in sight ♪

♪ And all day long I'll
have them closed up tight ♪

♪ But they'll be used
as picture shows at night ♪

♪ When my ship comes in ♪

♪ I'll have suits
made to measure ♪

♪ In fact, I'll buy a store ♪

♪ And can you
imagine the pleasure ♪

♪ Wearing shoes that no
one ever wore before? ♪

♪ I'll phone to each
department store and say ♪

♪ Call up your Santa claus
and raise his pay ♪

♪ And tell him we'll have
Christmas every day ♪

♪ When my ship comes in ♪

Hey, Eddie!

Look, Eddie!

Come here! Come here!

Quick, Eddie, let's hide.

Eddie, wait! Eddie, come here!

Eddie, let us in.
Come on, Eddie.

Ah, Eddie, open the door!

Oh, Eddie! Ed...

What's this under here?

Hey, you, where's Eddie?

I don't know.

Leave him alone,
Herman, here I am.

Eddie.

I can explain everything.

Why, there's nothing to explain.

We want you to come home.
We missed you.

You did?

Come on, Eddie.
Why, sure we did.

Come on, Eddie.

Please, Oscar, don't hit me.

I only borrowed your shoes.

That's all right, Eddie.

Keep the shoes.

Keep 'em? Yeah!

And, Edward, I'm gonna give
you my new overcoat, too.

You mean the one
that's too big for you?

Oh, you'll grow into it, Eddie.

Sure, you're gonna
be a big guy now.

Oh, get into this,
will you, Eddie?

Oh, my.

Oh, boy, do you look good.

Eddie, you look
like a million dollars.

And I'm gonna give you
my blue serge pants, too.

Well, with this coat
I won't need any pants.

And I'm gonna give you
my new hat.

Now you got a swell outfit.

Gee, it's an all-year-round
outfit.

I can wear the coat
in the winter

and the hat in the summer.

Eddie, have a cigar.

Oh, but I don't smoke.

Take it. I like you.

I'll light it for you.

Oh, wait a minute.
I'll light it.

Huh.

Hey, listen, you. I like Eddie,

and I'm gonna light his cigar!

Say, what's the idea?

You think you're the only
one that likes Eddie?

I guess you all like me.

Hey, you shut up.
We'll tell you who likes you!

Wait a minute!

You keep your paws off this
kid, you understand?

Listen, lug, I'm gonna
light Eddie's cigar.

Oh, you are, huh?

I'm sorry.

Are you gonna put that
cigar back in Eddie's mouth?

It's all right, fellows,
I'll smoke it later.

Huh, maybe you'd like
to put it back yourself.

Yeah, maybe I would.

Yeah. What are you doin' there?

I like Eddie best,
and I'm gonna light his cigar.

Nothing doing,
we'll all light it.

Yeah. Here you are, Eddie.

Where's your cigar?
You've got it.

No, he took it.
I didn't take it.

Oh, he wants to play.

Here he is! That's him.

Are you Edward Grant Wilson Jr.?

Yes, sir.

Congratulations, my boy.

You have just
inherited $77 million.

Radiogram, sir.

Hmm?

Oh, thank you, boy.

If this is bad news, bartender,

I'll need a little touch of
somethin' to fortify my spirits,

so set me up another julep.

Let's hope it's good news, sir.

Huh, then I'll celebrate.

Eternal thunderation!

Joan! Joan!

Anything I can do, sir?

Y-y-yes. Give me whiskey,
bartender.

Plain, straight whiskey.
Yes, sir.

Joan! Joan!

Joan!

Uh, steward, here.

Yes, sir!

What can I do for you, sir?

Find my niece and bring
her here to me at once!

Yes, sir.

Are you having a little trouble?

I'm tryin' to take a picture
of myself to send to my girl.

Well, I'll take it for you.

Would you? Of course.

Now, uh, you sit up there.

Up here? Mmm-hmm.

Ready now. Hold still.

Don't move.

I won't move.

Pardon, miss larrabee?

Yes? Your uncle wants
to see you at once.

Oh, thank you.

It, uh, seems important.

Oh.

Did you want me, uncle Harry?

Read that.

Oh, how perfectly wonderful.

Wonderful? By gad, child,
what's wonderful about it?

Why, about Jerry getting
aboard at Gibraltar.

Young lady,
the purpose of this trip

is to lay claim
to a treasure worth millions,

not to help along your romance

with that young whippersnapper.

But this radiogram says that the
treasure belongs to someone else.

Our society financed professor
Wilson's expedition to the Sahara

and I, as representative
of that society,

shall claim whatever's found.

Look, Louie, look.

Hey, be careful.
Keep off them maps.

What are you lookin' for?

Africa.

There it is, stupid.

It's green!

I always thought
Africa was black.

No wonder Columbus had
such a tough time finding it.

$77 million. You know what
I'm gonna do with that dough?

I'm gonna get me yachts,

swell cars, 40 suits of clothes,

see Europe, go around...

Before you spend all the money,

take a look at this.

Wilson, Edward Grant Jr.

What do you mean, "Jr."?

A son, the old bird had a son.

You mean, he had a baby?

I'll say it slow
so you can soak it up.

Mr. Wilson is dead.
He left some dough.

He also left a son.

The son gets the dough,
and we get the air.

You mean the son's come between
us and the money we've worked for?

Exactly. Why,
I got half the dough spent already.

Well, it looks as if we just
came for the boat ride.

Son or no son,
I'm gonna knock his ears off.

No junior is gonna
horn in on our dough.

Where you goin'?

To give junior a music lesson!

Wait a minute. Wait, nothin'!

I'm gonna knock that chump off.

I'll fill junior so full of lead

he'll drown if he takes a bath!

Great idea. You knock him off,

jump in a taxi,
and escape through the crowd.

Certainly. On a boat?

Oh, that's right. You can't
get a taxi on a boat.

Relax. Sit down.

Rest your hands and face.

But I can't think
unless I stand up.

That's fine. Sit down.

This calls for immediate action.
We got to do something.

I've an idea
if we can get junior

to sign his name
on a piece of paper...

Come in.

Pardon me, is your name Eddie?

Yes, ma'am.

Eddie Wilson?

Yes, ma'am.

Eddie Wilson Jr.?

Yes, ma'am.

My boy, my boy, my little boy.

Don't you know me? No, ma'am.

I'm your mother.

My mother?

You mean you were
married to my father?

Yes, darling.

Mama. Junior.

Kiss me, darling.

Now I know what k*lled father.

Sit down, mama.

I'm so happy to meet you,
mother.

You're beautiful.

Yes, I know I am.

And you're so young, too.

How old are you?

I'm 19, son.

I'm 25.

You are? Yes.

25, 19.

Say, maybe I'm your mother.

Oh, there you go,

joking just like your father.

You know, you're the
perfect image of your dad:

Large, sad, brown eyes.

You talk like him
and you act like him.

I'll bet you even
write like him.

Could papa write?

Oh, yes, junior,

and I'll bet you write
exactly like him.

Junior, write something
for mama.

All right, I'll get a pencil.

No, wait a minute. Here,
I have a fountain pen.

Then I'll get some paper.

Oh, never mind.
I have some paper, too.

What luck.

And here's a blotter,
too, junior.

Mama, you don't happen to
have a writing desk handy?

Oh, no, junior, mama can't
think of everything.

Here, just use the table.

What will I write, mama?

Oh, just write your name,
your full name, on this.

Uh-huh.

No, no, junior. Down at the
bottom where it says signature.

Mama, what does it mean?

"Witness the hands and seals
of the parties hereto."

Oh, pay no attention to it, Jr.

It doesn't mean a thing.

Now go on,
sign your name for mama.

Oh, mama.

Oh.

I'd better clean that up.

Oh, never mind, junior,
I'll wash it later.

Oh, no. How would it look
for a big boy like me

to stand by and see
his mother do the washing?

Oh, please, junior, first sign
your name on the paper for mama.

What a mess.

I'll bet they'll charge me
for the things.

Oh, pardon me, mama.

Oh, never mind, junior.
I'll answer the door.

Did he sign the...

Well, well, this is a pleasure.

Junior, I want you
to meet your uncle Louie.

I'm glad to meet up
with you, kid.

I heard your old man
talk about you an awful lot.

You, my uncle Louie?

Yeah, your uncle Louie.

Now, junior,
kiss your nice uncle Louie.

Oh, shucks! Couldn't
we just shake hands?

Sure. That's enough.

Kiss him, darling.

Uncle Louie,

you don't kiss like mama.

Oh, yeah?

Junior was just giving
mother his autograph.

Oh, you mean in the corner
where it says "signature"?

Yes, mama wants to see
if I write like papa.

Now, listen, junior,
make sure you put down the right name...

Come out in the hall, uncle Louie.
Mama wants to talk to you.

What for?

Don't go away, junior.
Mom will be right back.

Hey, did he sign the paper?

Yes.

And if you hadn't helped me,
I would've had it by now.

Where is it?
He's got it in his pocket.

Well, go on back
and ask him for it.

I'm afraid
he's liable to get wise.

Listen. You stay here
and don't try to help me.

I'll get it somehow.

Now, junior.

Gee, mommy, isn't that
uncle Louie a funny duck?

Oh, wait till you get to know him better.
He'll k*ll you.

You know, I don't
remember him at all.

Of course
you don't remember him.

You were just a itsy-bitsy baby.

Come on, darling,
now sit down on mama's lap.

Come on, Sonny, come on.

You know, mommy,
I feel funny about this.

Junior, dear,
where's the paper you signed for mama?

I have it right here
in my pocket.

Well, then give it to mama.

No, no, mommy.

First tell me some more about daddy
and you and me and uncle Louie.

Oh, well, Eddie,
when you were a little baby,

we used to have
such good times together.

I used to play
with your little toes:

"This little piggy
went to market.

This little piggy stayed home."

Gee, I... I can't remember.

Of course you can't remember,
you were just a little baby.

And you weren't even born yet.

I'm... I'm all mixed up.

Yes, junior,
just like your father.

Oh, mommy,
forget about the paper.

Tell me some more, momsy.

Oh, then we used to play
another little game called,

"tickle me, tickle me more."

"Tickle me, tickle me more."
Well, what's that?

Well, it used to go like this,

you used to tickle me,

and then I used to tickle you
just like this.

Now let me tickle you, mommy.

Oh, no, junior,
you're not a baby anymore.

And remember when we
used to play leapfrog?

"Leapfrog?"

Oh, I keep forgetting.
Let's be kids again.

You leap over me, junior,
and I'll leap over you!

All right. Come on.

Yoo-hoo, mama, I'm first.

Come on. Come on, all right.

Ready? Junior, come on.

Now you, ma.

All right. Here we go.

Oh!

Mommy, you're playing "tickle
me, tickle me more" again.

Mama!

Oh!

Oh, I beg your pardon!

Oh, hello. I want you
to meet my mother.

Your mother?

Yes.

Well, somebody
should tell your father.

Wait. Miss larrabee,
wait a minute.

Oh, junior, you forgot
to give mama the signature.

Oh, yes. Here.

Here, mama. Miss larrabee. Joan!

Darling. Joan.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

Honey, it's been 2 long years.

2 years and 9 days.

And 4 hours.

And 10 minutes,
if you want to be exact.

Now, as I was saying,

there was general Grant.

This is general Lee, here.

And here was the ravine.

Levine?

I knew a levine in Jersey city.

These were the Virginia levines.

Oh.

Ravine. Ravine.

Well, sir, general Lee
kept on advancing

and advancing
until he reached the river.

General Grant.

Kept falling back
and falling back.

Yes, sir,
it was a magnificent w*r.

Just a minute, colonel.
You got my general.

Are you insinuating that I would
pilfer a measly little drink?

Why, sir, I could
buy you and sell you.

Yeah? And I could buy you
and keep you, too.

Only you'd have to have
$77 million to buy me.

Stranger,
it may surprise you to know

that I've got $77 million.

You're nuts!

Well, I just got to go
to Egypt to pick it up.

You mean the Wilson fortune?

Exactly, sir.

Well, listen, sourpuss,
I'm the guy that's entitled to that,

and I'm the guy
that's gonna get it.

If you try to horn in
on that dough,

I'll shove this
down your throat.

Sir, you're nothing but a
low-down, conniving rapscallion.

Say that again!

A low-down,
conniving rapscallion.

Wait.

Hey, what's a rapscallion?

A scoundrel, sir.

Oh.

That's different.

Oh, colonel larrabee.
How are you, colonel?

Save that. Save that.

Now, I want you to tell this
insolent upstart who I am.

Go on. Tell him that

I'm the head of the
egyptological society of Virginia

and the only rightful claimant

to the fortune
found by Edward Wilson.

But, colonel...
Now, go on, tell him.

But I can't tell him that.

Well, why?

Well, I'm sorry to tell you, sir,
but you're not gonna get a penny.

And that's still too much.

Do you realize it was my society
that financed professor Wilson?

If your society sent professor Wilson
any money after the first month,

he never received it.

See here, sir,

are you accusin' me of
stealing the professor's money?

That I'm an embezzler?

Yeah, and a crook, too.

Shut up!

Listen, buddy, I'm dotty Clark's
manager, and she's Wilson's widow.

This is a lot of nonsense.
Wilson never had any widow...

Oh, so you're tryin' to horn
in on the dough, too, huh?

Trying to Rob a poor little widow.
Why, you're nothing but a... a...

A... a... a thief. Thanks.

Now look here, smart guy...

Now wait a minute.
Just a minute.

Professor Wilson's
last words were

that he wanted his son
to get the treasure.

And it's my duty
to see that he gets it.

You mean to say that
I'm to be robbed, sir,

of my lawful inheritance?

No matter what you think,
colonel larrabee,

you know that
your claim is false.

As a matter of fact,

neither of you have any
claim, and you both know it.

Gee, I'm sorry I had to
run away from you before.

Come on, we've got
a lot to talk about.

I think you've done
enough talking.

But, Joan, darling.
Hey, wait a second.

What is this all about?

I heard what you said
about uncle Harry.

But, dear, you don't understand.

Your uncle's claim is false.

No, Jerry, you're wrong.

Uncle Harry sent the money

to professor Wilson every month.

Well, I'm sorry, dear,
but professor Wilson never received it.

Are you insinuating that
my uncle stole the money?

Well, I wouldn't
exactly say that.

Oh, let's forget about it.
It's not important enough to argue about.

Well, then you go to uncle Harry,
apologize, and say you were wrong.

No, dear, I can't do that.

All right, then.
There's nothing more to talk about.

I tell you,
there ain't no justice!

What's the matter with you?

Oh, I got news.

I'm all mixed up.
As a matter of fact, I'm puzzled.

That's not news.
What's happened?

Remember you said
there was only one guy

standin' between us
and that $77 million?

Well, you was wrong.

You mean he's a phony?

No, there is 2 guys.

Colonel larrabee, an old
Virginia appleknocker

from some Egypt optical company.

What?

The captain
will be claimin' it next.

Oh, but I got an idea.

Oh, quit your kidding.

No, wait, this'll floor you.

Something has got to be done.

Listen, just leave the old bird to me.
I'll handle him.

Yeah, you handled junior for 6 days
and all we did was kiss him goodnight.

What do you want me to do?
Kiss larrabee, too?

No. This time
we'll do it my way.

I'll knock them both off
and it's done.

I'll take care of the old guy.

You just worry about junior.

Worry about him? Huh,
I'll feed him to the sharks.

I'll tie an anchor around his
neck and throw him overboard.

Well, yoo-hoo, mama.
Hello, uncle Louie.

Hello, junior.

Come in, junior.
We were just talking about you.

Now, junior,
kiss your uncle Louie.

Oh, I don't feel very well.

What's the trouble?
You look pale.

I don't know.
I ate so much fish,

my stomach goes in
and out with the tide.

You know what's the
matter with you?

You're seasick.

I am? Sure.

Come on, let's go out
and get some air.

Will I see you later, mama?

Well, uh,
that's up to uncle Louie.

Uncle.

Look, you know what's
making you seasick?

What?

Well, you see that thing
bobbing up and down out there?

You mean the equator?

Well, that's the thing
that's makin' you sick.

Now look. Shut your eyes.

You feel better already,
don't you?

Yeah, but I can't walk
around with my eyes shut.

Oh, I'll fix that.

Wait a minute, uncle.

I'm liable to fall down
and get... and get hurt.

Will you let me
take care of that?

Uncle Louie, are you
taking me for a ride?

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

Oh, it's awful nice of you
to do this for me, unkie.

What... what are you gonna do
now, uncle Louie?

I don't know, but sit still.

I'll think of something.

Oh, uncle, I... I think
I'll take off my blindfold.

No. No. No. No.

Not now, not now.
Of all times, not now, junior.

How do you feel?

Well, I would feel better if
you would push me some more.

Oh, you want to be, uh,
pushed some more?

Yes, unkie.

Ok, junior.

Give me a big push.

Oh, you want a big push, huh?

Uh-huh. It's a pleasure.

Oh, uncle Louie,
I think I've had enough of this.

What'll we do now?

I don't know, junior.

As a matter of fact,
I'm puzzled.

Oh, I got what we'll do.

Uncle, I'll take your picture.

Huh? I'll take your picture.

No.

I'll take your picture first.

For mama? For mama.

All right.

Now back up a little bit.

Now go back
a little bit further.

How is this?

That's perfect.

Only I'd go back
about 5 more feet.

Is this better?

No. Further than that,
junior, further.

Now just pull back
a little itsy-bitsy more.

I think will do it.

How did you make out?
How did I make out?

When I set my mind on
something, it's in the bag.

The $77 million is ours
because little junior

is now playing
with the mermaids.

Uncle Louie!

Uncle Louie!

Oh, uncle Louie!

Did you get my picture
before I moved?

I don't know.
From the way things look,

I can't tell whether
you're lovesick or seasick.

Jerry, if it makes you happier,

you can have
any part of my money.

Take $10 million.

No, thanks.
All right, make it $15 million.

All right, take $20 million.

I'm not gonna argue all day.

But, Eddie, it's not
a question of money.

No? No.

Mr. Lane,
the lady wouldn't take the note.

May I keep the quarter?

Yeah, that's all right, son.

Thank you.

Oh, I see. It's a girl, huh?

Well, look, Jerry,
if she makes you unhappy,

she's not worth bothering about.
Forget her.

Yeah, but it's not
as easy as that.

Oh, listen, some day the
right girl will come along

who'll appreciate you.
A girl like my toots.

Yeah, but, Eddie,
maybe you're luckier than I am.

What do you mean? Wait a minute.

There's a girl on this boat
you'll be crazy about.

I want you to meet her.

She's gonna sing in the ship's
concert tomorrow night. And say!

They're looking for
somebody to sing with her,

a guy like you.

But I don't feel like singing.

Oh, but Jerry,
I promised her I'd find somebody.

Well, couldn't you
find somebody else?

Oh, but, Jerry, I do want you to meet her.
She's wonderful.

She's got a nice round face

and the biggest eyes
and the whitest teeth.

And when she walks...

Oh, come on, will you?

♪

Well, I've got just the
fellow to sing with you.

Really?
This is my pal, Jerry Lane.

Jerry, this is Joan.

What is this?
Hate at first sight?

This isn't first sight.

You mean, you...
You know each other?

Yes.

Oh, so she's the girl
you're all broken up about.

Don't be absurd.

And he's the fellow
you're so heartsick about.

Certainly not.

I don't know which one of
you is the better liar.

Well, I'll see you later.
Now, wait a minute.

You promised me you'd sing with
her, didn't you?

Well... I won't sing with him.

Oh, but, Joan,
you've got to sing with some fellow.

You don't wanna spoil the
show, do you, now?

Well, ask him if he knows
head on my shoulder.

She says, do you know
head on her shoulder?

Tell her she knows very well
I know head on her shoulder.

He says to tell you that you know very
well that he knows head on your shoulder.

Tell her to move over.

He says to tell you
to move over.

All right. She says, all right.

Tell him I'll start here.

She says to tell you
she'll start right here.

Right. He says right.

Ask him if he's ready.
She wants to know if you're ready.

Tell her I'm ready.
He says to tell you he's ready.

Ready.
Well, if you're both ready,

there's nothing else for
me to do so I'll scram.

♪

♪ I don't envy any king's ♪

♪ Palace of gold ♪

♪ I'm content to hold ♪

♪ Your head on my shoulder ♪

Here's where you sing.

Well, go ahead.

♪♪ Every time you incline ♪

♪ Your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ For me there's
no greater happiness ♪

♪ Than holding you near me ♪

♪ In all the sweetness
of your caress ♪

♪ There's a heaven ♪

♪ To cheer me ♪

♪♪ Through the years
we'll go along ♪

♪ Life will be sweet ♪

♪ And to make it complete ♪

♪ To make it complete ♪

♪ Your head on ♪

♪ My shoulder ♪

Don't forget,
this is only a rehearsal.

♪ ...Could anyone be blue? ♪

♪ With a soul full of
that red-hot rhythm ♪

♪ Rhythm ♪

♪ Who could ♪

♪ Ever be ♪

♪ Blue? ♪

♪ An earful of music ♪

Better hurry,
you're on next, Mr. Wilson.

Ok, you better
get my mommy ready.

This is tough to put on
and take off.

You know you're lucky?

♪

♪ I want to be a minstrel man ♪

♪ I've always been
a minstrel fan ♪

♪ I want to dance
just like a dandy ♪

♪ And sing that song
about my sugar candy ♪

♪ I've learned about
those minstrel ways ♪

♪ So bring me back
those minstrel days ♪

♪ And let me be
a George m. Cohan ♪

♪ Make me a minstrel man ♪

♪ We've always loved ♪

♪ A minstrel man ♪

♪ He thrills us
like nobody can ♪

♪ The way he dances
sure is dandy ♪

♪ And sings that song
about his sugar candy ♪

♪ I've learned about
those minstrel days ♪

♪ So bring me back
those minstrel ways ♪

♪ And let me be
George m. Cohan ♪

♪♪ Make me a minstrel man ♪

♪ The way he dances
sure is dandy ♪

♪ And sings that song
about his sugar candy ♪

♪ I've learned about
the minstrel, minstrel ways ♪

♪ So bring me back min, min,
min, min, minstrel days ♪

♪ Give us a man
like George m. Cohan ♪

♪ I want a minstrel man ♪

♪ We've always loved
a minstrel man ♪

♪ He thrills us
like nobody can ♪

♪ The way he dances
sure is dandy ♪

♪ And sings that song
about his sugar candy ♪

♪ We've learned to love
those minstrel ways ♪

♪ So bring us back
those minstrel days ♪

♪ Give us a man
like George m. Cohan ♪

♪ We want a minstrel man ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

introducing our interlocutor,
Mr. Gerald Lane.

Presenting
Mrs. Edward Wilson, sr.

Mr. Edward Wilson, Jr.

Ladies and gentlemen, be seated.

Mr. Interlocutor, there's a
little somethin' I wanna ask you.

All right, go ahead.

Do you know the difference
between a horse and a girl?

Why, no.

You certainly must have
some funny dates.

If you insult me just once more,

I'll have you
taken right ashore.

Oh, you make up prose,
don't you?

Prose?

Why, you don't even know the
difference between prose and poetry.

Who don't? You don't.
Look, I'll show you.

If I said to you, "poor little
Annette, she fell in the water"

"and got all wet," that
would be poetry. Uh-huh.

But if I said to you,
"poor little Annette,

she fell in the water
and got soaked,"

that would be prose. Do you see?

Oh, that's easy, I can do that.

You can? Well, of course, look.

"Poor little Annette
fell down the well.

She got to the bottom
and went straight to..."

what do you want,
prose or poetry?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Introducing
the silver-voiced tenor,

Mr. Edward Wilson Jr.,
singing, Mandy.

♪ I was strollin' out
one evenin' ♪

♪ By the silvery moon ♪

♪ I could hear
somebody singin' ♪

♪ A familiar tune ♪

♪ So I stopped
a while to listen ♪

♪ Not a word I wanted to miss ♪

♪ It was just
somebody serenadin' ♪

♪ Something like this ♪

♪ My pretty Mandy ♪

♪ There's a minister handy ♪

♪ And it sure would be dandy ♪

♪ If we'd let him make a fee ♪

♪ So don't you linger ♪

♪ Here's a ring
for your finger ♪

♪ Isn't it a humdinger? ♪

♪ Come along
and let the wedding chimes ♪

♪ Bring happy times ♪

♪ For Mandy and me ♪

♪ Mandy,
there's a minister handy ♪

♪ And it sure would be dandy ♪

♪ If we'd let him make a fee ♪

♪ So don't you linger ♪

♪ Here's a ring
for your finger ♪

♪ Isn't it a humdinger? ♪

♪ Come along
and let the wedding chimes ♪

♪ Bring happy times ♪

♪ For Mandy and me ♪

♪ Mandy,
there's a minister handy ♪

♪ And it sure would be dandy ♪

♪ If you'd let him make a fee ♪

♪ So don't you linger ♪

♪ Here's a ring
for your finger ♪

♪ Isn't it a humdinger? ♪

♪ Come along
and let the wedding chimes ♪

♪ Bring happy times ♪

♪ For Mandy ♪

♪ And me ♪

♪ Night is falling
on the southland ♪

♪ The stars are
shining up in the sky ♪

♪ Darkies stroll
along the river ♪

♪ And sing a Southern lullaby ♪

♪ Soft winds blowing
through the southland ♪

♪ Are filled with romance ♪

♪ You can't deny ♪

♪ What a place to be ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ I don't envy any king's ♪

♪ Palace of gold ♪

♪ I'm contented to hold ♪

♪ Your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ When the stars
begin to shine ♪

♪ Night is divine ♪

♪ Every time I incline ♪

♪ Your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ There's no greater happiness ♪

♪ Than holding you near me ♪

♪ In all the sweetness ♪

♪ Of your caress ♪

♪ There's a heaven to cheer me ♪

♪♪ Through the years
we'll go along ♪

♪ Life will be sweet ♪

♪ And to make it complete ♪

♪ To make it complete ♪

♪ Your head on ♪

♪ My shoulder ♪

♪ Mandy ♪

♪ There's a minister handy ♪

Hey!

♪ And it sure would be dandy
if we'd let him make a fee ♪

Hey, around us!
♪ So don't you linger ♪

♪ Here's a ring
for your finger ♪

♪ Isn't it a humdinger? ♪

♪ Come along
and let the wedding chimes ♪

♪ Bring happy times
for Mandy and me ♪

♪

Don't.

Oh.

♪ Mandy ♪

♪ There's a minister handy ♪

♪ And it sure would be dandy
if we'd let him make a fee ♪

♪ So don't you linger ♪

♪ Here's a ring
for your finger ♪

♪ Isn't it a humdinger? ♪

♪ Come along
and let the wedding chimes ♪

♪ Bring happy times
for Mandy and me ♪

♪ So don't you linger ♪

♪ Here's a ring
for your finger ♪

♪ Isn't it a humdinger? ♪

♪ Come along
and let the wedding chimes ♪

♪ Bring happy times for Mandy ♪

♪ And me ♪

♪

Well, I've got to
see about the baggage.

And a few other things.

All right, don't be long.

Remember me?

Joan, I'd like to speak
to you for a minute.

There is nothing you can say
that I'd care to hear.

Well, would you do me a favor?

Well, what is it?

Would you please
tell your uncle for me

that I love his niece
very, very much?

I'll tell my uncle,

but I don't think
his niece will be interested.

We got just 24 hours,
and then junior gets all the dough.

And you can get
a skiff and row home.

But, brother,
you'll be without me.

Now, listen, sweetheart,

I tell you I got it all fixed.

If I ever wanted a guy
to live to a ripe old age,

I'd hire you to bump him off.

I'm promisin' you.
Junior won't be with us long.

What are you gonna do,
outlive him?

No, this'll floor you.

See them mugs over there?

Well, I've got it all fixed
with those boys

to drag junior up an alley

and cut him into little
itsy-bitsy pieces.

Shh.

Oh, hello, mama.

Hello, junior.

Hello, uncle Louie.
Hello, junior.

We were just talkin' about you.

Yes, making plans for the day.

Don't forget to include me.

Oh, we won't forget.

Are we going places
and do things?

Yes, junior.
You're going places,

and uncle Louie
is gonna do things.

Oh, but wait a minute.

I've got to go
to this address first.

Jerry Lane wants to see me

about the treasure or something.

Oh, well, wait a minute, junior.
Uncle Louie will take you.

He knows Egypt very well. Huh?

Egg-yip?
Like the palm of me hand.

Leave your things
with mama, junior.

Uh, you won't need 'em.

Right, mama. Here's my tennis

and here's... here's my music

and I'll give
uncle Louie the bird.

No. Give it to her. Here, mom.

Goodbye, mama. Goodbye, junior.

Come on, uncle Louie.
We're buddies now.

Ready. Ready. Ready.

Look, everybody.

I make big trick.

Put boy in basket,
say few magic word.

Boy become dog.

Come on, junior, let's go.

No, uncle Louie,
he's gonna make tricks.

I now put boy in basket.

I now change boy into dog.

Are you inside, boy?

Here I am.

Allah, abracadabra.

Presto!

Come on, let's go.
This guy's a fake.

Fake?

What you mean "fake"?

You heard me the first time!

I said "fake."

Perhaps the gentleman would like

to get into the basket
and see for himself?

Ah, you're screwy. Roll over.

Afraid, eh?

My uncle Louie afraid?
Go on, show him.

No! Why should I get in the basket?
I'm no tomato.

You see, he is afraid.

Come on, buddy, get in.

Show him you're not afraid.

Come on. Call his bluff.

Yeah, go on.

Come on, get in.

Go on. Show him
you're not yellow.

Who's yellow?

Attaboy!

Ok. Give me the works.

Are you in there, uncle Louie?

Certainly!
Where do you think I am?

He's there. Ready.

Ready. Ready.

Sockococo. Abracadabra.

Presto!

Uncle Louie.

Uncle Louie.

My poor uncle Louie,
don't you know me?

I'm junior. I'm your nephew.

I'm sorry I let
you go in the basket.

Now you're a dog.

When I'm eating strawberry
shortcake and ice cream,

you'll be gnawing on a bone.

Uncle Louie!

Uncle Louie, wait!

Help! Help! A bear!

Help! Help!

Help! Help! A bear! A bear!

Help! Help! A bear! A bear!

Help! Help! A bear!

Do something! Do something!

Look out, lady, he'll bite you!

If he bites me,
I'll bite him back.

He wants the frankfurter.

Let him buy his own frankfurter.

Come on, uncle Louie,
we'll have dinner together.

Oh, wait. Wait, wait.

I want to thank you for
saving me from that big bear.

Big bear? He's a small dog.

Oh, you were wonderful!

You not only saved my life,

but you saved
my frankfurters, too.

Believe me, if I were emotional,

I'd kiss you again
for what you've done.

But I'm not very affectionate,

especially with strangers.

Do you see what I mean?

Say, maybe you don't like me.

You know,
I'm a daughter of a sheik.

A sheik's daughter? Yeah.

I thought there was something
distinctive about you.

Oh, that must be from
hanging around these camels.

So you're the daughter of a sheik?
Uh-huh.

Where can I get
a hold of your father?

Oh, I don't know.
He's awfully ticklish.

Say, come here.

Do you wanna know somethin'?

I bet for saving my life,

my father will make you
stay at the palace.

What would I do at the palace?

We'd play games and...

What kind of games?

Hula-gula.

What's hula-gula?

Well, that's something like
your American ping-pong,

And it's some fun, I'll say.

You hit a little ball,
and it goes under the table.

Then you hit it again,
and it goes under the table again,

and then you pick it up.

Yeah, but where does
the fun come in?

Under the table.

Say, don't hit me like that,

even if you are
the sheik's daughter.

You know, I'm not very strong.
No.

When I was born
I only weighed 4 pounds.

That's nothin'.

When I was born
I only weighed 8 ounces.

8 ounces? Yeah.

Did you live? Oh, sure.

You ought to see me now.

I wonder what the doctor
said to your father

when you were born.

Well, why bring that up?

That's just what I thought.

Well, stupid, I can see
what happened to you,

but what happened to junior?

Junior didn't get in the basket.

O sire, here is the treasure.

It is worth millions.

In all the desert there is no
treasure to compare with this.

My ancestors fought, robbed,
even k*lled to acquire it.

If necessary, I shall
do the same to keep it.

Allah is just.

Yes, but Allah should have let
me k*ll this professor Wilson.

This American dog who dared to
ravage the tomb of my ancestors.

You may still have your
revenge, o sheik.

I know.

Wilson's heir is coming here
to claim the treasure.

And when that heir comes,
it will mean death.

I have sworn it.
Death to the Wilson heir!

♪

Oh, come on. Come on out, Eddie.

Don't be afraid.
This is my home.

How do you like it?

Where's 3rd base?

Fanya! Fanya!

Hello. Oh, father!

My daughter,
my precious daughter.

You have saved the woman I love.

You mean, that?

Someday she shall be my wife.

If any man tries
to take her away from me,

he shall die.

And he'd be better off dead.

Here he is. This is my father.

How can I show my gratitude

for your wonderful bravery?

What bravery? It was nothing.

Nothing?

Father, it was terrible.

A tiger got loose
at the marketplace.

It was 6 feet long
and weighed 1000 pounds.

It was a small dog.

He leaped at my throat and
was getting ready to mangle me

when, like a shot
out of a Cannon

Eddie appeared and k*lled
him, till he was dead.

It was a small dog.

My son, you've been
through a terrible ordeal.

It's funny, I don't feel
the least bit tired. Look.

It will be an honor to break
bread with you tonight.

All right, we break bread.

But wait, wait!

What, more?

Yeah. Yeah.

Right after he shot the leopard,

a ferocious lion
came running towards me.

I never saw such a lion.

I never heard such lyin'.

He was the largest
beast I ever saw.

It was a small dog.

Tell us, daughter,
what happened then?

Yes, what did happen?
Yeah, tell us. What happened?

Yeah. Yeah.

Go on, tell 'em what happened
to the lion. Who, me?

Yeah, you. Tell 'em what happened.
Listen.

You brought him in,
now you get him out.

I think it was a small dog.

What?

That's right. It was a small dog

that attracted
the lion's attention.

And when the lion turned around,

he bit him. Uhm.

The dog bit the lion? No!

The lion bit the dog?

No!

No, I, uh, I bit the lion.

Yeah.

Some lyin'.

What a man! What a man!

Yeah, I'll say.

Array him in fine clothes.

Bring him rich gifts.

We must keep him here
as our guest.

Yeah, my hero!

Go away,
I can't talk to an idiot.

Come here, I can.

Good. Say, that's a nice
little show you got here.

I wish we had seats down front.

That is not a show, Eddie, bey.

These are my wives.

All of 'em?

Certainly.

I have not so many now,
a mere 125.

Just an armful.

Oh, but once I had over 200.

I know, everybody cut down
during the depression.

Are they on the night shift?

No, they are late.

And that redhead
there is always late.

Oh, those redheads.

I traded a very fine
camel for her, too.

I certainly got cheated.

You mean,
you prefer a camel to a...

Oh, Eddie, bey,
she won't even kiss me.

Did the camel kiss you?

Of course not.

What are you complaining about?

Oh, thou speakest wisdom, sahib.

Tell me, do all the sheiks
have as many wives as you?

No, my brother has only 30.

Only 30? Practically a bachelor.

Say, I bet
when you guys get divorced,

you must spend
a lot for alimony.

Allah? Allah-mony?

No. No. No.

Alimony.

What is "alimony"?

Well, in America,
when you get rid of a wife,

you've still got to
keep on paying her money.

Oh, but isn't that like
buying oats for a dead horse?

Thou speakest a hunk of
wisdom yourself, sheikie.

What are you cooking here,
a beef stew?

Oh, no, this is my pipe.

Here, try it.

Gee, I never smoked
a double-boiler before.

Oh, it is very simple.

See.

Now I'll try it.

Oh.

Why, you! I...

Gee, you ought to get a plumber.
Your pipe is leaking.

What? Why you...

He's got some crust,
some nerve, believe me.

Who's got some nerve,
some crust?

Ben hamud got fresh with me.

He did?

Yeah, he asked me for a kiss.

Did you slap his face?

Certainly, as soon
as he got through.

Will you do me a favor? What?

Will you go away and leave your
father and me alone together?

No, I won't go until
you give me somethin'.

All right. Here.

Oh!

Lollipop. Wait a minute. Wait.

You take off the paper and eat it.
What?

Take off the paper and eat it.

Ah.

Now look, look!

Oh, sheik, I'm sorry.

Look what you've done
to my beard.

And I was all dressed
for my rendezvous.

You mean,
you have a date for tonight?

Shh.

Keep this under your turban.

I am going to the village.

There is a famous dancer there.
Mmm-hmm.

And you're one of her fans?

I am going there.

You look after my wives. Yeah.

I can trust you, can't I?

Oh, sheikie, you don't
have to worry about me.

I've got a little girl
in Brooklyn.

Oh, pretty.

Mmm.

I like her.

I will trade you
a horse for her.

A horse?

How would it look,
me sitting in the movies

holding hands with a horse? Oh.

Sheikie, remember
you're not a kid anymore.

Not too much dancing.

O Eddie, bey.

Not a word to my wives.

I'll tell your wives
you went to the pool room.

Imagine that guy, Nora,
thinking I'd ever look at another girl.

I'll be true to you, toots,
no matter what happens.

Uh-oh. Things are
beginning to happen.

Look around, Nora.

Look what I'm up against.

It won't be my fault. Oh, Nora!

Help! Help! As you were!

Now listen to me, you girls.

I want you to hear something.

♪ I have heard the story
of the glory of the orient ♪

♪ But never went
for oriental charms ♪

♪ Don't you care
for oriental charms? ♪

♪ Back in Brooklyn
there's a belle ♪

♪ Around my heart
she cast a spell ♪

♪ I won't be happy
till I'm in her arms ♪

♪ He's happy
in his Brooklyn baby's arms ♪

♪ And I can't forget
though I'm away ♪

♪ That I used to tell her
every day ♪

♪ Ok, toots, if you like me
like I like you ♪

♪ We know nobody new will do
it's ok, toots ♪

♪ Ok, toots, if you say yes
then I say yes ♪

♪ If you say no then it's
no go it's ok, toots ♪

♪ You know I'm in favor
of whatever you do ♪

♪ I tasted
the flavor of one kiss ♪

♪ And I knew it was ok, toots ♪

♪ If you wash dishes,
I dry dishes ♪

♪ I dry dishes, I'm ambitious ♪

♪ Ok, toots ♪

♪ Ok, my little toots ♪

♪ If you do cooking,
I do cooking ♪

♪ If you won't bake,
I won't eat cake ♪

♪ It's ok, toots ♪

♪ Ok, toots ♪

♪ If you say cold cuts,
I eat cold cuts ♪

♪ Cold or hot
or just warmed over ♪

♪ Ok, toots ♪

♪ I'll bring
all my dough to you ♪

♪ I'll keep every vow ♪

♪ I'll never say no to you ♪

♪ You've got a yes man now
and it's ok, toots ♪

♪ If we have baby, I mind baby ♪

♪ If we have nursie,
I mind nursie ♪

♪ Ok, toots ♪

♪ Ok, to-to-toots ♪

♪ If you say pictures,
I say movies ♪

♪ Holding hands
is nice at movies ♪

♪ Ok, toots ♪

♪ Ok, my little toots ♪

♪ If you say rumba,
I try rumba ♪

♪ Though at rumba I'm a bumba ♪

♪ Ok, toots ♪

♪ When I'm on a ballroom floor ♪

♪ They push me about ♪

♪ But I'll try
a ballroom floor ♪

♪ Till my feet give out ♪

♪ And it's ok, toots ♪

♪ I like the sheik,
I like his daughter ♪

♪ But I'd prefer her
under water ♪

♪ Ok, toots ♪

Sire! I have news.

An heir has come
to claim the Wilson treasure.

Allah is good.

At last, my ancestors
can be avenged.

He shall die!

♪

Welcome to my palace,
o my brothers.

Sorry to bust in on you kids.

Your honor, this little gal
is the widow of Edward Wilson.

What?

And as the mouthpiece for this
poor, defenseless little wren,

I come to you to grab the dough

because all the boys said that
you was a straight sh**ter.

Do I understand, sahib,

that this little lady
is the only surviving relative

of the... the old gentleman
who discovered the treasure?

Brother, you said it.
All the rest is phonies.

Then she is the one
I have been waiting for.

Hold everything. I'm coming.

What is this?

Your honor, it is my
pleasure, it is my privilege,

it is my duty...

Yeah, but it's my dough.

My friends.

I am most eager to discover
the real heir to the treasure.

And when I do...

What is this, a parade?

On behalf of the rightful owner,

I am here to claim the
treasure found in the tomb

by professor
Edward Grant Wilson.

Edward Grant Wilson!

You dare mention the name of
that infidel in my presence?

On the memory of my
ancestors, I have sworn it.

Death, death to the heir
of Edward Grant Wilson.

Wait a minute.

You mean, whoever tries
to claim the treasure

is gonna get knocked off?

He shall die.

He shall be boiled alive
in castor oil.

Personally speaking, sir,

I have said from the very first,

there ain't a court in the world

that would uphold the measly
little old claim I got.

Are you the heir?

Me, the heir?

Why, sir, I have to laugh.

Are you?

Who, me? No.

You lie. You all lie.

Now speak, in the name of Allah,

who is the heir
of Edward Grant Wilson?

Somebody paging me? Coming.

Somebody here
called for Edward Wilson?

Jerry! And Joan!

Mommy! Hello, Sonny boy.

Just a minute, o Eddie, bey.

Is your name Eddie Wilson?

Sure, that's me.
Didn't you know?

I'm the son of professor Wilson.

What?

Your highness, don't believe him.
He's not the son

and he's not the heir
of professor Wilson.

Jerry,

I'm not the heir?
No, you're not.

Tell him you're not.
No. I won't. I won't.

Mama, you tell him who I am.

Junior, mama doesn't
remember who you are.

But, mama, Mr. Lane says
that papa wasn't my daddy.

But, junior,
mama doesn't remember daddy's name.

Maybe it wasn't Wilson.

You see, you're mistaken.

Of course you are.

And I thought
you two were my friends.

He's crazy, please believe me.

He's not Eddie Wilson.

Why, the boy is out of his
mind, y our honor.

He didn't even know
professor Wilson.

Silence!

You couldn't prove
you're his son,

could you, Eddie, bey?

You think not?
Every Wilson for generations

had a mole on his right elbow.

Take a look at this.

Wrong elbow.

Here you are. Here's my mole.

Who stole my mole?

Here you are. Look at that.

It means nothing.
A lot of people have moles.

Of course they have.
It's just an accident.

Yes. Well, here's one
accident you can't laugh off.

Look at my birth certificate.

Now, give me the treasure,

and I want everything
that's coming to me.

Well, son, they can't say
you didn't ask for it.

I'm sorry, o Eddie, bey.
I hate to lose you.

Oh, that's all right,
you'll get used to it.

You know what they say,
here today, gone tomorrow.

Then you'll die like a man?

Die?

Yes, I must k*ll you.

But... but I thought you liked me.

I do, o Eddie, bey.
I'm very fond of you.

But you don't have
to k*ll me to prove it.

An oath has been taken.

But I didn't take it. Search me.

I swore to my ancestors

that I would k*ll the heir
of Edward Grant Wilson.

But I'm too young to die.

Nonsense. There is no way out.

What about that door? No!

Wait a minute.
You can't do this.

He's an American citizen,
and I demand his release.

Silence! Take him away
and imprison the others.

Mama! I want my mama!
I want my mama!

You can't do this.

I warn you, sir.

The state of Virginia
will never stand for this.

Silence!

Keep them locked up here.

I will dispose of them later.

Well, what shall we do
with the women, sire?

Oh.

I will marry them. Yes, sire.

Strip him.

What's this?

This is the way
I came into the world,

and this is the way
I'm going out.

Prepare him for the oil!

Sire, he'll make fine
soup for your camels.

Me? Camel soup?

I'm sorry, Eddie, bey.
It's an ancient custom.

Make haste.

Some salt.

Make it smelling salt.

Now some pepper.

What, no mustard?

Gesundheit!

Where are you going?

I'm going out
to buy some vegetables.

I am the chef.

Sure, you're the chef,
but I'm the soup.

Are you ready?

Ready or not,
you're sure to be caught.

Goodbye, Eddie, bey.

This is going to upset me
more than you know.

Take him up!

Oh!

♪ He floats through the air
with the greatest of ease ♪

♪ The first sheik I've seen
on a flying trapeze ♪

Don't bother about him.
Help me! Help me!

Silence! Now you die!

Stop!

Father, you can't k*ll him.

No? No.

Why not?

What?

He kissed you on a camel?

O Eddie, bey, you have placed me

in a very embarrassing position.

Look at the position
you got me in.

Silence.

Do you realize that
according to our tribal laws,

you have committed tramafatz?

Tramafatz!

Tramafatz!

In our country,
when a man commits tramafatz,

there is only
one thing possible.

Marriage.

Yes.

You must marry her.

That settles it.
Boys, drop me in.

No! Take him down.

Eddie, bey.

Amscray.

Well, you finally got
someone to marry you,

even though
it's through tramafatz.

Listen, I'll have you know that

I've been asked 1000
times to get married.

Yeah? Yeah.

Who asked you? My father.

Take the dog away.
Take her away.

No, you! Me?

Prepare him for the wedding.

Bathe him, shave him, spray him

with lilac water
from head to foot

and spread the news
throughout the desert.

Tomorrow at high noon,
a shotgun wedding.

I can hardly wait.

Are you alone? No.

You are not alone?
No. You're here.

So you're gonna marry fanya?

Do you know
what a wedding means?

Sure. A wedding is a funeral

where you smell
your own flowers.

Your sense of smell
will be cut off.

You mean, I'm going
to lose my schnozzle?

You are going
to lose your life now!

Please, not with a knife!
Why not?

It makes such an awful mess

with blood and everything.

Besides, it's so foreign.

We Americans, we're used
to being k*lled by a g*n.

Now, if you wanted to sh**t me with a
g*n, I wouldn't mind, see, ha.

But you have no g*n. But I have!

Some surprise, isn't it?

Not only am I
going to sh**t you,

but so there will
be no sin on my head,

you yourself will
give the command to fire.

You mean I'm gonna say...
Oh! I almost said it.

Don't worry,
I'll make you say "fire."

No, you won't. Yes, I will.

What comes out of a stove?

Fi-fi... flames.

Yes, but what makes the flames?

Fi-fi... fuel.

You thought I was
going to say "fire."

Come out and die
like a man, you dog!

Oh, please, Mr. Ben Ali.

I don't wanna marry fanya,
believe me.

I've got a girl in Brooklyn.

I love her and I
wanna get back to her.

Do you mean that?
So help me, Allah.

And if I should
help you to get away,

you swear you'll never try
to see fanya again?

Oh, my, yes, yes, yes.

I promise on bended elbows, yes.

Good, then come with me.

I forgot that.

Don't forget my dog biscuits.

Come!

Hey, where do you think
it leads?

Maybe it leads
to the wine cellar.

What difference does it make?

It couldn't be any
worse than this place.

Oh, that's what you think.

I spent 3 months diggin'
my way out of prison once

and come up
in the warden's office.

What are you gonna do?
What is this?

This is the chamber of the dead.

Chamber of the dead?

Yes.

And these mummies?

Dead.

All died standing up, huh?

Get into an empty casket
and wait.

Later I'll come for you.

Empty casket? Me?

Do as you're told.

Don't forget to come for me.

Dead.

The treasure.

O spirit of the dead,
the hour of vengeance is at hand.

I swore by all that is
holy to k*ll Eddie, bey.

But in my heart
there is great love for him.

O spirit of my ancestors,

if you could only speak
and advise me.

What?

Do I hear a voice?

Who is talking to me?

I'm the spirit of your ancestor.

My ancestor. Allah, in heaven.

Which one?

Your uncle Benny.

Oh, yes, Ben hammad.

Your voice sounds so young.

Ben hammad died when he was 76.

Are you his spirit?

Yes. I'm the spirit of '76.

O spirit of my ancestor,
art thou in pain?

Thou, too, wouldst be in pain

if the spirit of the royal crab

was crawling around your shroud.

You will rest more easily,
o worthy ancestor,

after thy honor
has been avenged.

And these 3 other Americans
have been sacrificed.

What Americans?

The old gentleman
from the south.

I beg your pardon, sir.

In behalf of the gentleman
from the south,

I would just like to say
that all we mummies think

he is a mighty fine fellow, too.

Us mummies was in a huddle.

And we all agree that
Louie is a sweetheart, too.

And the 2 girls,

o mightiest of mighty sheiks,

what about them?

I was going to marry them.

How dare you do that?

I'll report you
to the United States consul.

If all you mummies
don't pipe down,

we're liable to wind up
in the soup.

O spirit, speak.

What sacrifice can I make
to appease thee?

There is only one way
for us mummies

to rest in happiness.

Let the Americans go.

Yes.

"Let my people go."

Oh, lordy, "let my people go."

♪ Oh, lordy, let my people go ♪

♪ Let my people go ♪

♪ Oppressed so hard
they could not stand ♪

♪ Let my people go ♪

I heard strange voices.

Are you in trouble, sire?

The spirits of my
ancestors have spoken.

Now they sing.

Allah be praised!

And what of my people?

Your people shall be freed.

You have said a
beard-full, big boy.

Sire, 'tis this mummy
here who speaketh.

Allah be praised.

Take it, carry it
to my throne room

set it up in state where
all may see and wonder.

Phew.

Be careful, boys.
Take it easy. Easy.

I'm not really dead.

Wait. You wait.

What do you want?
You are to come with me.

Where are you takin' us?
Out of the palace.

Sheik mulhulla has ordered

you Americans to be released.

Come.

It's a lie.

Come with me.
Ben Ali wants to see you.

But I don't wanna marry fanya.
Come!

Come on, you are leaving
with the other Americans!

Wait, wait. Where are we going?

Do you see that plane? Yes.

That's our only means of escape.

You mean, we're going in that?
No, you're going in it.

Me? I've never been
in a plane in my life.

Remember, if you stay here
to marry fanya, you die.

Yes, but if I go
in the plane I'll die.

Fanya or the airplane?

Give my regards to fanya.

Get in!

But listen!

Get in!

Somebody left their laundry!

♪ Were you good little boys? ♪

♪ Did you mind your mothers? ♪

♪ Were you nice little girls? ♪

♪ Are you kind
to your brothers? ♪

♪ Were you... ♪

♪ We want ice cream! ♪

♪ We want ice cream! ♪

♪ Did you brush your hair? ♪

♪ Did you scrub your faces? ♪

♪ Did you put your clothes
in their proper places? ♪

♪ Did you... ♪

♪ We want ice cream! ♪

♪ We want ice cream! ♪

♪ Patience is a virtue
that will never hurt you ♪

♪ Just another moment please
and you'll be satisfied ♪

♪ In the meantime,
in between time you may look inside ♪

♪ Are you perfectly contented,
Mrs. Cow? ♪

♪ Now you're working
on a 5-day week ♪

♪ Do you like
to have us pet you? ♪

♪ Is there something
we can get you? ♪

♪ If you are not satisfied
just speak ♪

♪ Moo, moo, moo. ♪

♪ Would you like us
to redecorate your stall? ♪

♪ Would you like
a better grade of hay? ♪

♪ Is there any little favor ♪

♪ That will give your cream
more flavor? ♪

♪ Is life unpleasant here
in any way? ♪

♪ Moo, moo, moo. ♪

♪ We want ice cream!
We want ice cream! ♪

♪ Children don't get nervous ♪

♪ We will give you service ♪

♪ When the ice cream's made ♪

♪ It will be
just the kind you like ♪

♪ We have been delayed because
the cows declared a strike ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪

♪ If you like ice cream ♪

♪ You'll like vanilla
and we've got enough ♪

♪ Enough to fill
a million tum-tum tummies ♪

♪ Now, right now, and how ♪

♪ If you like ice cream ♪

♪ You'll be in favor of a goodly
share of chocolate flavor ♪

♪ And of course
it's understood ♪

♪ It's good, so good ♪

♪ Open your mouth
and close your eyes ♪

♪ We will give you something
to make you wise ♪

♪ Strawberries
of gigantic size ♪

♪ Yummy, yummy, yum ♪

♪ If you like ice cream
we'll make you love it ♪

♪ This is no wild dream.
There's plenty of it ♪

♪ We'll make it right, and how
right now, right now ♪

♪ Ready, children, ready
here's your old friend Eddie ♪

♪ Just about to open up
the door as you can see ♪

♪ In the meantime,
in between time I've misplaced the key! ♪

♪ We want ice cream!
We want ice cream! ♪

♪ The key, the key
the key, the key ♪

♪ You've torn my clothes
you've wrecked my nose ♪

♪ But here's a day
when anything goes ♪

♪ I'm feeling low,
but here you go ♪

♪ You're going way up high ♪

♪ Going up, up, up, up ♪

♪ Maybe by and by,
you'll nearly reach the sky ♪

♪ You're going higher
and higher and higher ♪

♪ And now you've
reached the top ♪

♪ Sip, sip, sip, sip
till you get your fill of it ♪

♪ Sip, sip, sip, sip
and enjoy the thrill of it ♪

♪ Yo, heave h* and
another ice-cream soda ♪

♪ We want ice cream!
We want ice cream! ♪

♪ We want ice cream!
We want ice cream! ♪

♪ Ever since the time I was 11 ♪

♪ I made up my mind ♪

♪ My dream of heaven
was an ice cream factory ♪

♪ Oh, lo! My, me! ♪

♪ So I told myself that I would
get it and I kept my word ♪

♪ So give me credit for I
made my dream come true ♪

♪ For you and you
and you and you ♪

♪ Hail to the ice-cream king ♪

♪ With his chocolate crown
and his strawberry gown ♪

♪ Hail to the ice-cream king ♪

♪ Hail! Hail! Hail! ♪

♪ I used to be
as hard as nails ♪

♪ But now I'm soft as putty ♪

♪ In fact I've grown so tender ♪

♪ I'm afraid
I'm slightly nutty ♪

♪ Gooey, gooey, gooey
now there's uncle Louie ♪

♪ He's got berries,
sh**ting cherries hail to Louie! ♪

♪ The same to you-ie ♪

♪ Hurray for Louie ♪

♪ He's a lot of hooey ♪

♪ Now that you've eaten
to your heart's content ♪

♪ And since you know
it doesn't cost a cent ♪

♪ Next time you call
you'd better wear a tent ♪

♪ Since my ship came in ♪

♪ We've got our great
big ice-cream factory ♪

♪ And everything
is as it ought to be ♪

♪ For I have you and,
sweetheart, you have me ♪

♪ Since my ship came in ♪