04x08 - The Super Gooblers

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic theme playing]

♪

[gentle music playing]

Aw, man, Hamsterdam?

Oh, sh*t!
You owe me a million dollars

because there's a bunch
of Dutch Hamsters who live there.

How the f*ck are you winning
in Monopoly: The Wire Edition

when you've never watched the show?

Why don't you bitch
at your pewter McNutty,

that's what keeps landing you
on shitty spots.

Come on, gimme an eight,

get me to that bar where
the dock workers drank eggs.

Double dang it! Hamsterdam again?

Welcome to hell, Jessica! Ha ha ha ha!

Now pay up, you little delinquent!

But I don't have any money left! Argh!

I hate this stupid game.
There's too much pressure!

[coughs, gags]

[both gasp]

[thuds]

[all gasp]
Is that a White Goobler?

This is a huge development.

I'm about to win a board game
for the first time ever.

KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.

That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo.
This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

They have a restaurant called Applebee's,

and they don't call
their appetizers apple-tizers.

That's bullshit!

[dramatic music playing]

[goobler moans]

Dear God, how did you cough up
such a gross goobler?

I didn't even know
we could make white ones.

It's the same size
as the Red Goobler was.

Wait a minute, are you going
to say "get f*cked"

and try to k*ll us?

Oh, no, I don't want
to be a burden, you know?

I can't be a teen mom.

I don't even have a neck tattoo!

This doesn't make any sense.

Why would Jesse and I
make off-color gooblers

and not you two?

Because we're superior in every...

Oh, sh*t, wait a minute.

[goobler grumbles]

Totally forgot that I coughed up
a lavender goobler last week.

- Was I supposed to report that?
- Yes!

My Red Goobler is still out there
plotting to k*ll me.

These things could be dangerous!

Hm, doesn't seem dangerous.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's it right there.

Give it to me. Papa like.

This must be a Romance Goobler,

because I'm such a romantic and sh*t.

That's a freaky little
shithead horny goobler,

and you f*cking know it.

So we all have new gooblers
except Terry?

How does that make sense?

We're, uh, supposed
to report weird gooblers, huh?

Don't tell me you coughed one up too!

I did not.

Well, thank our Shlorpian gods...

- I made five.
- What?

Terry's gooblers, sound off!

- Klepto Goobler.
- Criterion Disk Goobler.

[groans] Envy Goobler.

Babe-yyyy Goobler

'cause Terry loves saying
"babe-yyy," babe-yyy.

Kimmy Goobler.

I re-watched all
of Full House three times

and then barfed that little chiclet up.

Geez, guys.

Why are we making all these
colorful goobs right now?

Well, that's a dumb question, Jessica.

You're acting like you don't know anything
about Shlorpian anatomy.

Obviously, every , times
we stress out and goobler,

one big red one shows up.

But, none of these are red.

Alright, fine, I don't know
what the f*ck is going on either.

Everyone grab your gooblers
and let's go ask AISHA.

f*cking hate it when we have
to go ask the ship stuff,

makes us look like such dummies.

LAVENDER GOOBLER:
[grunts] Ooh, yeah.

[ethereal music playing]

Pupa! How do you keep getting
your paws on Starbursts?

You know those kiwi banana ones
give you the Tron nightmares.

Have you ever thought that,
like, instead of indulging

in these long, needlessly
complicated schemes

to get candy or Harry Potter whistles,

that maybe you could use
that big-ass Pupa brain

to make the world a better place?

Yeah, Pupa, the satisfaction you get

from making the world a better place
would taste way better

than any old Starbursts.

AISHA:
Alright, dummies,

get ready to learn
some Shlorpian .

[projector ticking]
[countdown beeping]

SHLORPIAN NARRATOR:
The Shlorpian body is designed

to remove excess emotional buildup
by emitting gooblers:

small, dancing creatures

which hold your unwanted chemicals
in their bellies.

The gooblers are emitted

and then will dance
their adorable little jig

until they die.

However, if a Shlorpian has
too many negative emotions,

the Goobler system will produce
a Super Goobler.

Larger, meaner, smarter:

the Super Goobler is designed
to eliminate the Shlorpian

with emotional problems,

removing them from the terraforming team,

ultimately protecting the mission.

Get f*cked!

SHLORPIAN NARRATOR:
If you make a Super Goobler,

it's best to allow it to k*ll you

so the rest of your team
can dine on your body for nutrients.

Wait, so all of these little guys
are gonna grow up to k*ll us?

Well, that can't be right.
Mine was a stress goobler.

These are all too nice.

When I get bigger,
I'm gonna f*ck you up, babe-yyy!

[all goobers clamoring]

Gooble.

[Solars scream]

Those Super Gooblers are creepy as f*ck.

We gotta do something.

I kinda wanna figure out
what my goobler even is

before we do anything.

What emotion was I having too much of?

Being a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day?

Th-this is probably a bad pitch,
but maybe it'll get us going.

What about if we throw them
in the dumpster behind Pizza Hut?

Okay, that's the plan to b*at.

Yes!

Building off of what
Yumyulack just said,

we should put them in garbage bags

before we throw them in the dumpster
behind Pizza Hut.

Hmm, I'm liking this area a lot.
Now get to grabbing.

I want to have them in that dumpster
before they start stabbing us.

[gooblers clamoring, screaming]

[gooblers thudding]

[dramatic music playing]

Ah! Don't put me in the bag!
Sweet cheese!

Oh, little Kimmy.

Korvo, stop! I changed my mind!
I can't k*ll my gooblers.

What? Why not?

Because they're like
my children, dammit,

and they're so cute

and they aren't trying
to m*rder anyone yet!

They will soon enough!

Ah, I don't want to k*ll mine either.

Just look at that pelvic definition.

You know, maybe some of them
can turn their lives around

with a little love and attention.

The crystal just f*cking told us

if we don't do something, they'll grow up
and then k*ll our asses.

Death by goobler
is such a lowbrow way to die.

Light bulb, we can ship them off
to Kaley Cuoco's Rancho Cuocomonga

for Miscellaneous Beasts
and Where to Abandon Them.

Making something stupid up
won't help, Terry.

I know, but this time
I'm telling the truth.

It's a no-k*ll rescue ranch
owned by Priceline's Kaley Cuoco.

It's where I've been sending
all of Yumyulack's snakes.

They're alive?

You told me you were
chopping off their heads

and leaving them on the sidewalk
as a warning to other snakes.

That's such great news!

Terry, ya f*cking nailed it.
This is the plan.

Everyone, pack your sh*t
and meet me at the car.

- It's time for the...
- Wait, wait, wait! Can I say it? Please!

Please can I say it? Please?

- Korvo, please!
- Sure, my guy. Go for it.

The Solar Opposites
are going on a road trip!

Yeah, babe-yyy!

[horn honking]

All aboard the Terry's Super Famous
Almost Famous Bus!

Fasten your seatbelts 'cause
Daddy Terry tricked out this bus

in the theme of his favorite
road trip movie, Speed!

If we go under , we explode!

Remember? Remember Dennis Hopper's
got that little f*cked-up hand?

[expl*si*n booms]

[metal clattering]

[horn honks]

Okay, this time Daddy got us
a regular bus

with almost no bombs, babe-yyy!!

Yeah, babe-yyy!

[rock music playing]

♪

[woman screams]

[engine revving]

♪

[plasma g*n fires]

[Solars and gooblers laughing, cheering]

[rock music playing]

Psst, hey, Yum, what do you think
my goobler is?

Maybe it's like a sweet goobler
or something?

Jess-ica, your goobler is
a goobler for sucking!

It takes up a bunch of space,
and it's a deadweight piece of sh*t

with nothing to offer the world
and everybody hates it.

Oh, okay. Maybe that's it.

Will you stop playing
with that g*n, you little sh*t.

[g*nsh*t]
[Korvo shouts]

JESSE: The satisfaction you get
from making the world a better place

would taste way better
than any old Starbursts.

I don't care how many geese
drowned in the black tar

off the coast of Santa Barbara,

I want my oil rigs
up and running by tomorrow

or your adopted orphans can starve!

Oh, Jesus Christ. You can't have
next week off, Alice.

I don't care what stage your cancer is in.

Yes, Miss Brandy.

[sobs]

[dramatic sting]
[shouts]

What the f*ck
are you supposed to be?

Get out of here!

Cocomelon.

Cocom... uh...
What are you talking about?

I said get out!

[vase shatters]

[dramatic music playing]

[door slams]

- PUPA: Cocomelon.
- Ah!

Oh, my God!
What do you want?

[rock music playing]

♪

[yawns]
Only more hours to the ranch

and I get to meet Kaley.

Wait a minute, something's missing.

One, two, four, five. Oh, f*ck,
where's my Klepto Goobler?

Maybe we left him
at the local Scottish food place

we stopped at.

- You mean McDonald's?
- f*ck!

He's probably still there,
stealing all the McFlurry toppings.

- We have to go back.
- No, Terry!

We're already running late

because we spent so much time
in the McPlayPlace.

I think my goobler's getting bigger?

How could you lose your gooblers?

That's the whole point of this road trip!

All I'm sayin' is,
you bring a m*therf*cker to a PlayPlace,

m*therf*cker gonna play.

[water sloshing]

[door opens, closes]

[dramatic music playing]

- Cocomelon?
- Jesus, sh*t!

Okay, y-you're not real.

Y-you're just a side effect

of my Goop ayahuasca vaginal gummy crowns.

I-I-I'm just gonna take some
of my rhino horn pills

that only rich people have,
and you'll go away.

[pills rattle]
[gulps]

- Cocomelon.
- Ah! You know what, f*ck this!

How dare you sit there judging me

with your Cookie Monster eyes?

- Cocomelon.
- You can't judge me.

Only my lovers can judge me
because that's what gets me off.

I choose loneliness

because I've been in love before,
and it sucks.

Cocomelon.

One minute you're happy
living in suburban Kansas City

and the next your lover's in Clueless,

then goes on to have
a -year acting career

- and never ages!
- Cocomelon!

Shut up! I am done with you!

[toilet flushes]

[Brandy gasps]

Cocomelon.

[Brandy screams]

[rock music playing]

♪

[uplifting music playing]

[gasps] Oh, my God!
Is that Kaley Cuoco?

No, wait, this lady only has one ear.

Kaley has two ears!

What the f*ck? I want
to abandon my animals with Kaley!

I'm Kaley Cuoco's stunt double,
Kwelly Cloakawoko.

I lost my ear when Sheldon's homemade
Green Lantern ring exploded

on the Big Bang set.

Welcome to Kaley Cuoco's
Rancho Cuocomonga!

Let's get these
deformed creatures settled,

and I'll give you the tour!

We take all the f*cked-up animals
no one else wants to touch:

ligers, middle-aged wolves,
albino pythons.

YUMYULACK:
My snakes!

Anaconor and Lahissa,
you're thriving!

What would you guys like to abandon?

We have several customizable packages

ranging from $ . to $ . million.

I'm sure you get this a lot,
we have half a dozen Super Gooblers

that'll eventually k*ll us
so, you know,

gotta ditch them with you
before the stabby-stabby begins.

A half dozen? You mean these two?

No, we... Oh, sh*t!

Jesse, your goobler got fat as f*ck!

Why didn't you say anything?

I did, on the bus!

Next time speak up, Messica!

If you weren't part of my mission,
I would abandon you here too.

[Jesse groans]

[gentle music playing]

This is our largest enclosure.

Your strange creatures should be as happy

as an abandoned animal can ever be here.

[bear growls]

Go on, little guy.

You can romance the f*ck out
of whatever you want in there.

Wait!

Jesse, these things
are going to turn on us,

can we wrap it up?

I just need to know what you are.

What emotion do I have too much of?

Who cares! Get the f*ck in there,
you stupid goobler.

[door closes]

Phew, finally, a goobler situation
that doesn't end

in me getting stabbed
or having sex in a casino.

Bye, White Goobler.

You guys must be tired.

You can stay here for the night
in our The Flight Attendant suite

and relax with a post-abandonment cup
of hot Cuoco.

Ew, do you have to say it that way?

[dramatic music playing]

That's my ledge,

and I didn't give you permission
to perch there.

Cocomelon?

Let's see if you can dodge

all these expensive
rich lady collectables!

Basquiat's basquiaball.
Air Bud's skull!

An Irish femur from the Titanic!
[grunts]

[Pupa shouts]

Ancient butt plug!

Yes! Ha ha ha!

f*ck you!

I'm free from the t*rture!

[sighs]

- Cocomelon.
- Ah!

Ow! My leg! Oh God.

Help! Help!

Can anybody hear me?

[groans]

Of course not.

I'm all alone...
by my own design.

[slurps]

Mm, this hot Cuoco is pumpkin-spicy.

Don't you think it's weird

that none of us figured out
what my goobler's dealio was?

Oh, my God, nobody cares
about the goobler sh*t.

I mean, if I had
to figure out the backstory

of everything I puked up,
I'd be too busy to write

my Dolores Claiborne
expanded universe fan fiction.

Maybe you're right.

I'm gonna go say bye
to the gooblers one more time

before we kwo-go.

Oh, my God,
you're such a Lisa Simpson.

[somber music playing]

White Goobler? Are you awake?

[switch thuds, lights thud]

[White Goobler growls]

[Jesse gasps]

[White Goobler growls]

Give it to me! Papa like!

Whitey, no!

[White Goobler groans]

[wall crashes]

[White Goobler groans]
[Jesse gasps]

You know, I always thought
Kaley Cuoco was

a poor man's Kristen Bell,

but now I'm gonna upgrade her

to an upper middle-class woman's
Anna Faris.

- [branches snap]
- Shut up, did you hear that?

Use the single match app on your phone
to get us some more light.

Right! Steady.
Hope this works.

The app only has one match
before it makes you watch an ad.

Phew!

[tense music playing]

Oh, sh*t!

[White Goobler groans]

Help! It's hugging me!
Help! Help!

The White Goobler got out,
and now I think I know what happened!

It ate all the other gooblers!

Thanks a lot, lieutenant obvious!

Damn you, Jessica Opposites!

- TERRY: Oh, my God!
- YUMYULACK: Oh, sh*t!

We have to get to the visitor's center!

[White Goobler groans]
[Terry and Yumyulack grunt]

- No!
- Yummy bear!

[Yumyulack screams]

Looks like we need some speed.

Luckily, I wore my Heelys! Come on!

Ah!
Damn it, stupid dirt, getting in my 'ees.

Run, Terry!

I'm trying!
These Heely shoes betrayed me!

[crunches]

Kwelly to the rescue!

[golf cart screeches]

You gotta fix this,
or Kaley's gonna go ballistic!

[shouts]

I can't! I don't even know
what my goobler represents!

You better find someone who can!

That's impossible!

Our ship computer couldn't even do... Ah!

f*ckin' snakes!

Snake blood never comes out.

These seats are gonna be red for life.

Wait! Red. That's it!

God, Kaley's gonna take
those snakes out of my pension!

[dramatic music playing]

[door opens, closes]

How'd you find me?

Instagram. You gotta tell it
not to let people tag you.

I can't, we get a lot
of business through social.

Would you just leave me alone?

It took a lot of tele-therapy,

but I'm not trying to k*ll Korvo anymore.

That's great! I'm proud of you
for doing the hard work!

But I really need your help.

Did you make some super gooblers
that got out of hand?

How did you know?

All gooblers are connected
through the emotional spectrum.

I could feel their presence
when you made them.

I'm drawn to them.
But I'm the master of my own fate.

I choose to own the fifth most popular
microbrewery in town.

Sorry, I can't help you.

But my super goob ate the others,

and it ate Terry and Korvo and Yumyulack

and now I don't know what to do.

- Not my problem.
- But you're my only...

Korvo and Terry ruined my life!

They turned my fiancé into a rat!

I'm over it, I'm out.

Hold your red horses, goobs.

If you're out, then why is your brewery
called Die Korvo in Latin?

Get out!

And why are all your beer names
so violent and abusive?

Hefewei Is Korvo Still Alive,

IPA b*llet in Korvo's Head. Stella.

I said get out!

[Jesse sobs]

[door opens, closes]

[sobs, shouts]

[door opens]

Take me to the goobler.

What made you change your mind?

I might be over k*lling Korvo,

but god f*ck me if I'll let
another goobler eat him

instead of me.

Works for me!

Just gonna warn you.
It's kind of a long drive.

So you know Korvo
and I hooked up in Vegas?

I bet you're wondering how I did it,

since Korvo doesn't have a butt
and I don't have a d*ck.

Nah, it's okay, I don't need to know.

I dug a little hole out of his butt

and used a shampoo bottle as a phallus.

- It kept falling off.
- Let's just listen

to some random-ass music, huh?

[hard rock music playing]

Oh, god damn it, fine.

I regret the way I lived my life.

I lie to myself about being powerful,

but I'm just toxic and bossy,

and because of that, I'm alone.

You can see how unhappy I am.

I hate being the executive

who decided Exxon Mobil should care more

about profits than people.

Yeah, that was me!

I was also the one
who made insulin cost so much,

though it's basically free to make.

[sobs] I'm scum.

I'm scum.

[tense music intensifies]

[Brandy gasps]

[knocking at door]

Miss Brandy?
Did something terrible happen?

You haven't texted me anything r*cist
in the last few days.

Alice! Oh, Alice!

I'll pay for your experimental
cancer treatments.

I'll help save your village
that I destroyed with that pipeline!

I want to be a better person,

and it's all thanks to this
strange creature that...

[gasps]

Maybe he was never really there.

[chuckles]

Oh! That whole time,
it was my conscience.

I was just hallucinating!

Oh! Is that good?

I don't know, but I'm nice now!

I'm calling all the airlines

and making every plane seat bigger!

Huh, I thought this would be
more like Leighton Meester's

Meester Rogers' Neighborhood
For Sea Creatures

and Where To Dump Them.

Geez, these celeb animal rescue names

are getting pretty sweaty.

Oh, no! What's happening?

I hope my goobler didn't do
a m*rder on anyone else!

[thuds]
[Jesse screams]

[dramatic music playing]

[White Goobler groaning]

[Kwelly gasps, screams]

Oh, sh*t, yeah, no,

that's definitely
an anger repression goobler.

[golf cart crashes]

She's gonna consume everyone else
and save you for last.

That's what they do.

But I'm not repressed or angry.
I'm happy!

[dramatic music playing]

[White Goobler belches]

You need to admit you've got
a problem before we all die!

But I don't have a problem!
There has to be another way.

I guess I can try talking to her,
goobler to goobler,

using goobler speak.

Gooble. Gooble goo goo gooble goo!

Gooble goo goo gooble booble goo!

[Red Goobler shouts]

[gasps]

Hold on! I'm coming!
[Red Goobler screaming]

Jesse, it's up to you,

deep down you know who you're angry at!

[Jesse screams]

[Jesse screaming]

Uh, hello, everybody.

Jessica, your stupid goobler ate us,

and now you brought
the Red Goobler into it!

- Get f*cked!
- You get f*cked, you rude sh*t!

This is all your fault!
Why do you suck so much?

[growls] Korvo, shut... shut...

Get him, Jesse! Let it out!

Shut your filthy mouth, Korvo!

It's your fault you're in here!

If you weren't being mean
to me all the time,

I wouldn't have a fudgin' goobler
in the first place.

You've turned into a bully
because I never fight back,

but that changes now!

I'm not a bully,
don't try and turn this on me!

I'm not done!

You're rude, selfish,
and mean to me all the time!

But you just hate yourself,
and we all know it!

You don't like me?

No, I don't. I don't like you.

You suck.

You never appreciate all the work
I do around the house,

and I never get a story with you ever!

Fine, Jessica, we can have
a story if you calm down.

Stop calling me Jessica!
My name is Jesse!

[White Goobler groans, splatters]

[all grunt]

We're free! Ha ha!

And my goobler's okay.

Oh, yeah, baby, that's the good stuff.

Jesse, your anger.

Expressing it made your goobler explode.

Yeah, that's what happens
if you actually show real growth.

Then why are you still around?

Because you're a myopic,
stressed-out piece of sh*t.

Right.

I realized that
if you swallow your anger,

it will k*ll you.

So I let her swallow me and I k*lled her.

Wait, so you're not
actually angry with me?

Oh, I'm angry. Korvo, get f*cked!

I'm so proud of you!

[upbeat music playing]

[crowd cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

Thanks for the help, Chris.

I never could have channeled
my rage at Korvo

without your expertise.

As the King Goobler says,
oobie goobie goo!

[gooblers laughing]

Did he say King Goobler?
What the f*ck is that?

Looks like all my goobies
love working with you.

You know, today Jesse taught me
to be true to my feelings.

You're safe now,

but I will hunt you down
and I will k*ll you.

Don't you thr*aten me.

I already did, you big bitch.

[all laughing]

Oh, yeah? Well, guess what?
You'll never k*ll me.

I'm too fast and too smart.

And it's my turn to say,

get f*cked!

[glass shatters]
[Korvo groaning, screaming]

My leg! Oh, Jesus Christ,
it f*cking hurts!

Help!

I stabbed my leg
on the jagged glass.

I can feel it scraping the thing
I have instead of a bone!

Holy f*ck, he's losing a lot of blood.

- Should we get him down?
- Yes! Of course, we should!

In a minute.

[all laughing]

Oh. Hey, Pupa, what you got?

I wanna be a better person!

sh*t, Pupes! You did it!

You did something good for humanity
instead of scheming for candy!

Hold on, you already have
three million subscribers

and a Starburst sponsorship?

[Korvo groaning]

KORVO:
Ow, ow! It hurts!

Pupa, get back here!

How did you turn this into a referendum
on me being a d*ck?

[screams] This was a Jesse story!
Why am I being punished?

It's not fair! Ow! Ow!

Goobie goobie dooby, get f*cked!

[dramatic music playing]

♪

[mimicking laser fire]