05x04 - Healthy, Wealthy and Dumb

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

How many?

Three.

I'll take the same.

I bet two.

I'll see those two
and I'll raise you five.

I better win today.

I haven't had breakfast
in a week.

Well, the best man always wins.

Well, there's four.

Hey, I need some more chips.

[HUMMING]

Hurry up with those chips!

I'm getting sick and tired
of making chips for you guys.

I gotta get busy
for my radio contest.

Roses are red,
and violets are blue.

Try Stix Fast Glue,
and you'll be stuck too!

I got it!

Oh, boy,
if I get the best slogan,

I'll make a lot of money! Ya!

Oh, you're crazy.

You've been sending
those things in for weeks.

Nobody ever wins those.

Hey, why don't you play cards
and improve your mind?

What there is of it.

See the money I get...

That's a chip. I call.
What do you got?

Just four aces.

And me with four kings again.

Well, it must be
beginner's luck.

I can't understand it.

Every day
you have beginner's luck.

Well, it's just
one of those things. You--

MOE: Want to cheat, cheat fair.

Anything I hate
is a crooked crook.

Oh!

Ha-ha!

My beginner's luck. Ha-ha!

[GRUNTING]

[MOANING LOUDLY]

What's the matter?

His jaws are stuck.

Good, now he can't
talk back to me.

[MOANS]

[BARKS]

Wait a minute. Come here.

Mm, mm, mm!

Mmm! Mmm!

Maybe it's something he ate?

Sure, it's those pancakes.

Oh! Not my pancakes.

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

I admit the pancakes
ain't so good,

but the syrup is delicious.

[MOANING]

I got it.

Hot water always melts glue.

Aw, wait a minute.
What's the matter with you?

Ungrateful.

There you are. Ahh!

What do you think I am,
a lobster?

Trying to boil me alive.

Well, hot water always--

Oh! Ow, ow!

[SCREECHING]

What's the matter with you?

Didn't you know it was glue?

Hey, porcupine, gimme a hand.

Wait a minute. Sit down.

Get a good grip on him.

[SCREECHING]

Well, that's that.

[SCREECHING]

What did you bite it off for?

Ah, wait a minute, now. Hold it.

[BANGING]

Say "ah" and I'll have it out

before you can say "ooh".

Mmm.

Ahh.

I'll get it in the back.

Lemme see this.

Why didn't you
think of this, useless?

[MOANING]

[YELLING]

There you are. Ther-- Waugh!

Why didn't you hold still?

Now I gotta start
all over again.

I'll get that thing yet.

Yeah, if his teeth hold out.

[MUMBLING] I'll do it myself!

Ooh!

I got it!

You got it again. Oh!

Oh, boy, I hope
I win this contest.

It's a good thing it's time

for the Coffin Nail
Cigarette Program or I'd--

ANNOUNCER [OVER RADIO]:
That concludes

the musical portion
of our program.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the winner of the Coffin Nail
Cigarette Contest.

The first prize of $ ,

goes to Mr. Curly Howard

of Lily Flower Terrace,
New York City.

Who did you say?

Curly Howard.

Oh, thanks, toots. Yagh!

That's you, ain't it?

Certainly. Oh, boy, I'm rich.

At last we can live
like gentlemen.

Pie à la mode with beer chasers
three times a day.

Let's go places
and buy things, come on!

Oh, wait for the money man
now, heh-heh.

A toast. A toast.

A toast. Mmm!

Roses are red, violets are blue.

There's no glass for me,
so hotcakes to you.

Nyuck, nyuck, Nyuck, nyuck!

Hmm, this ain't
a bad looking dump!

Reminds me of the penthouse
we were thrown out of.

Send up a couple of cases
of champagne.

Gentlemen,
the furnishings in this room

are of great value.

Now, for instance, uh,

oh, this vase
is valued at $ , .

[ALL WHISTLE]

And over here.

This bed
goes back to Henry VIII.

That's nothing.

We had a bed that went back
to Sears Roebuck III. Hm!

Always kidding. Heh-heh.

And now, gentlemen,
if there is anything more,

I will gladly serve you
personally. Good day.

ALL: Oh!

[SCREECHING]

Oh, look, a rowboat.

A rowboat? You're crazy.

That's a horse trough.

A horse trough, rowboat,
in a hotel?

That's a bathtub, you imbeciles.
Go take a bath.

But it ain't spring yet.

Oh, yes, it is.
See the pretty grass.

Where?

Nyuck, nyuck, Nyuck, nyuck.

You're next.

But I had a bath.

When?

July th, .

I was too young
to fight about it then.

What are you gonna
do about it now?

Take a bath.

Oh!

Well, a triple bed.

Just what we need.

I want the upper berth.

You get less air.

Yeah.

How am I gonna get up there?

Where's the ladder?

I-- Oh!

Mmm!

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.
Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

I oughta be able
to sleep up here for a week.

This bed is so soft.

Leave me a call for Wednesday,
will you?

Nyuck, ny--

[BOTH YELLING]

Ow!

I'll m*rder you for this.

What happened?

Get this Henry VIII off my neck.

I don't know
what happened to you.

Oh! Mmm!

Hey, quiet, you guys.

Oh!

What are you trying to do,
break my neck?

Your neck? Look at my hat.
It is broke.

So it is. I'll fix it.

Oh, thanks.

Oh!

Ooh!

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Oh, sodie pop!
Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Oh, uh, here.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh...

Hear what I have to tell you.

He's gonna give you a tip.

Oh, uh, here.

Hmm.

Oh, pardon me.

Could you tell me
which room is occupied

by the gentleman who won
the cigarette contest?

That room at the end, miss.

Thank you.

Gee, kids, we're in luck.

That , bucks
is down the hall,

just waiting for Mama.

Oh, that's swell.

Now, see if we've got it right.

We pretend
we're three rich widows.

We meet the goofs,

make 'em propose to us
and marry 'em.

Right, then we get their dough

and give 'em the ozone.

That's what the hotel manager
will give us

if we don't get some dough.

[SQUEAKING]

GIRL: All right, Darwin.

Now, you go next door
and get lost,

and we'll come and find you.

Run along.

Hey, you better order some more.

We only got four left.

[CHUGGING]

[STOMACH GURGLING]

This bottle sounds flat.

Try another.

I'll sharpen this one up.

Nyuck, nyuck.

[SCREECHING]

[RUMBLING]

Boy, did I sharpen that bottle!

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!

Moe, Moe, I got 'em, I got 'em!

I'm seeing gorillas.

Don't look at me
when you say that.

CURLY: I got the DT's.

I'm seeing gorillas, I tell you.

Oh, you're crazy.

The joint's haunted.

Look, the pants are walking.

Maybe it's ants.

What's going on around here?

His pants are walking
and he ain't in 'em.

Eh, you guys have been drinking.

Pants are walking around.

Ow! My pants bit me!

We'd better k*ll 'em.

Wait a minute. Are you insane?

That's that $ , gadget.

Here's a board.

Gimme that.

Why didn't you bring me
a softer board?

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

♪ Come in ♪

♪ Come in ♪

♪ Come in ♪

Gentlemen, this registered
letter just arrived.

I thought it might be important.

Thanks.

It's the prize money.

Why, what's happened here?

My bed, my vase.

Quiet, I can't hear myself read.

[MOANING]

They'll put us in jail.

Did he say jail?

No, Yale.

He's got a brother in college
with two heads.

They got him in a bottle.

[MOANING]

What's the matter?
Is there something wrong?

No, no, the figures stagger me.

And so will your bill.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Hey, fellas!

Get up, you fellas.

This is a fine time
to take a nap.

Is he gone?

Yes, he's gone. We gotta do
something quick.

Hey! Hey.

[YELLING]

They'll put us in jail for this.

We gotta get outta here, quick.
Come on.

There's something peculiar
about those men.

Keep your eye on them.

I'm going down
and make up a bill

they'll never forget.

All right, boss.

What are we gonna do now?

I got it.

Give.

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

How?

CURLY:
Swell. How you doing? Ooh!

MAN: What was that?

Me no savvy. Me lone wolf.

Me toddle other way.

Ah! Whoa!

[ALL SHOUT]

Help!

Help!

[BARKS]

Nya!

[SNARLS]

Hmm!

Ooh!

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

What did you do now?

I just dotted his eye.

We'll see the manager
about this.

Now remember, girls,
we've gotta make 'em

propose to us right away.

Couldn't we just
marry the money without them?

Quiet, Cleopatra.

It's that darned
detective again.

He won't go away.

Oh, he won't, eh? Quick.

Man the buckets.

[SHRIEKS]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Are you ready?

Give.

[ALL SHRIEKING]

Gee, girls, we thought
it was somebody else.

Come on in.

Is this the way you always
receive your guests?

No. Honest, girls, we're sorry.

We're looking
for our pet monkey.

Have you seen him?

Oh, so that's what's
running around here.

Say, what's that monkey got
that I ain't got?

MOE: A longer tail.

Ya-ee.

Oh, I do hope he's not hurt.

He's the only
ray of sunshine left

in the lives
of three lonely widows.

He's the only happiness we have

with all our millions.

Did you say millions?

Yes, just a few,
and we're so, so lonely.

Oh, what you girls need
is a husband.

GIRLS [IN UNISON]:
Oh, this is so sudden, darling.

[GIGGLING]

You mean you'll marry us?
With the millions?

[IN UNISON]: Yes.

It's a deal!

We're the monkeys you are
looking for.

Change those weeds
for some glad rags.

It won't take a minute.
We'll be right back.

If you change your mind,

we'll sue you for habeas corpus.

We're back in the money again.

Look at that monkey.
He's got the letter.

We better get it away from him

before those girls
find out we're broke.

[WINDOW SHUTS]

Well, we're rid of him.

Hurry up, girls, before those
suckers change their minds.

[SQUEAKING]

Oh, what is it, Darwin?

How do you like those chiselers,
double-crossing us?

Say, will I tell
that mug something.

We're gonna pay those guys
a visit, come on.

Open up.

They'll never open up, boss.

Let's use the fire escape.

Right.

It's the manager.
Let's give him a reception.

What I'll do to that guy
with the sugar bowl haircut.

Ready, give.

[SHRIEKING]

Oh, why--

Jeez, the girls.

Oh, yes, it's us.

We're sorry, girls.
We didn't know it was you.

Oh, that's quite all right.
Heh-heh.

Gee, you're swell dames.
Give us a little kiss.

Why, certainly. Close your eyes.

Oh!

[♪]