01x04 - Three Little Pigskins

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Ah, if them Tigers of mine

don't knock off them Cubs
of Beasley's,

heh,

I'll take a running jump
in the lake.

Right.

If your team loses,
you drop , bucks.

There won't be anything left
to do but jump in the lake.

[RINGS]

Hello?

Yeah.

Oh.

All right.

Oh...

Well, what's the matter?

Matter? Plenty.

Here we get the big game
coming up Saturday,

and three of my best backs
go out and get plastered

and land in a ditch
with a car on top of 'em.

Why don't you go up
to Boulder Dam College

and get those
three famous horsemen

that have been
running wild all year?

Them guys is amateurs.
We're professionals.

No matter how much I pay them,

they ain't gonna give up
their amateur status for us.

Oh, what's amateur status?

Oh, it's a big political party,
toots.

Yeah? Are--? Are we going to it?

Relax. We're all going.

Aw, come on, Joe.

If you want to save
that grand of yours,

we'd better go out and dig up
some football players.

Yeah, I guess you're right.
Come on, fellas.

Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.

Pay me a little attention,
will you?

What do you want?

Let me have a dime
for a hamburger.

Go on, you can get a hamburger
for a nickel anyplace.

I gotta have the other nickel
for a bicarbonate of soda.

Down here I get
funny little pains...

Hiya, pal.

Get lost. I'm in a hurry.

I know, but you know--

Get away.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[PUNCH]

Say, uh, how are you fixed
for money?

Okay, thank you.

Yeah.

I was worried about you.

Stick 'em up.

I haven't got a dime.
It's a depression with me.

You talking depression and me
with a g*n here without b*ll*ts?

A g*n without b*ll*ts? Yeah.

You on the square about it?
Yeah.

Hey, you got a dime for a--?
Get away!

Oh, superstitious, eh?

[WHISTLING]

Got anything?

Nah.

Oh, laying down, eh?

Did you get anything?

No. Oh, slacker.

Wait a minute!

Did you get anything?

Yeah, did ya?

No, does it make any difference?

[BOTH MUTTERING]

Spread out.

I'll take him.

Hey, got a dime
for a sandwich, buddy?

What do you mean, a dime?

You just asked me for a dime
down the street there.

Check him, boys.

W--

Say, would a dollar apiece
influence you fellas any?

Is it honest work?

Does it make any difference?

No. No.

Just thought we'd ask, you know?

Okay, follow me.

Get it up, get it up, get it up.

You walk from here
to that corner.

Okay.

Turn to your right
three blocks. Okay.

Then meet us up
on the hill in an hour.

Okay.

If you get there first,
put a chalk mark.

Okay.

Suppose you get there first?

Then I'll rub it out. Okay.

You walk from here
to that red light.

Meet us up on the hill
in an hour.

Get going!

I wonder where
that apple-head is.

I don't know.

He's been gone
about five hours, now,

and I told him to meet us here
on the hill in an hour.

Here he is.

Oh, I'll take care of him.

Well? How are ya?

Explain yourself. Where ya been?

You told me to go up
to the barbershop

to the red light, didn't ya?

And? Well, that red light

was a bus going to Boston.

Oh!

Oh, my hat!

It's all right, madam.
You got nothing to worry about.

Come on, boys. On it.

LARRY:
Okay. I'll take the brake off.

Hiya. Here's your hat, madam.

Oh, well-- Why, you're
the three horsemen.

Now, you must come with me

and take these wet clothes off
right away.

Oh, we couldn't do that.

Come on...
We can't do that, can we?

Come on. Come on.

Girls, I got 'em. I got 'em.

What, the jitters?

No, no, the three horsemen.

Come on in, boys,
and meet the girls.

Honey, will you marry me?

Oh, toots, I'm telling you,
you more than won me.

It's low man again.

[WHOOPING]

What are you studying
at college?

Pig Latin.

Hat-way are-ay ou-yay
oing-day onight-tay?

[CHUCKLES]

You wouldn't know
a thing about that, would you?

Oh, o-nay.

Ah--

And what are you taking up
at college?

Oh, a dime here and--

College?

Oh. Gold digging.

Oh, a miner.

No, I'm .
Larry's a minor. He's .

Oh, you funny man.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING] Oh, that's so...

Now, hold on.

What do you think
you're at, here?

Well, maybe you're right.

I'll bet you're the best
football player.

I can't play football.

Oh, you heroes
are all so modest.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

No, what I really meant was,

what's included
in your curriculum?

What--? I--
I mean, what do you study?

Well, music, uh,
songwriting and whatnots.

Songwriting? Yeah.

Did you ever hear
of "Snow, Snow, Beautiful Snow"?

Why, yes. Did you write that?

No, I shoveled it.

I had the...

Say, you girls don't know it,

but these boys are all wet.

ALL: Who's all wet?

You boys go into the other room

and put on some dry clothes.

Now, run along, dear.
I want you to be comfortable.

Come along, my hero.

You will hurry, won't you?

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

Well, here we are.

Whoo! Look what blew in.

Get her.

Boy, did I pick myself
a double order of skunk.

She thinks it's ermine.

I should have got two pair
of pants with this.

Will the lady
with the lucky number

come and get me, please?

Let him alone. Ooh!

Step over to the bar, boys.
Make yourself a drink.

Here's one for you.

To the bar.

I'll take a stein of gin.

Say.

Yeah?

Do you like some sparkling water
with your liquors?

Always. Always. Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

"Sparkling water
with your liquors."

[LAUGHING] Sparkling water...

Hey--

Ah!

[WHOOPING]

Just a minute.
This has gone far enough.

Don't you know
there are ladies present?

[ALL LAUGH] Okay, okay, okay!

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Wait a minute.
You're playing too rough.

Let's play Post Office.

Ah, that's a kid's game.

Not the way I play it.

[ALL LAUGH]

I've got it. Blind Man's Bluff.

That's it! Okay!

Wait a minute.
What's that Blind Man's Bluff?

If it's what I think it is,
we're going home.

Not me. I'm staying.

You're staying, eh?
I'm still staying.

Yeah. You staying now?

Hold it, now.
I don't know now. I...

Well, in case you decide to go,
you better leave that here.

Oh, I see.

Bandits...

What--? Hey, hey.

What's going on, here?
Turn those lights on.

I can't see a thing.

Spin 'em around, girls.

And when you catch us,
you get a kiss.

I told you to stay.

[LAUGHS] Wait a minute, now.

Take it easy, now.
No spinning too--

Wait a minute, now.

Here I am, honey.

[WHOOPING]

Here I am, honey.

LARRY: Yoo-hoo, baby!

Where are you?
WOMAN: Beep, beep.

I got you. Where are you?

WOMAN: Beep, beep.

MOE: I got you. LARRY: Come on.

I see you, now.
WOMAN: Beep, beep.

Here I come, ready or not.

Yoo-hoo. I got you.
Where are you, honey?

WOMAN: Beep, beep.

Ah, sugarplum.

Oh, baby.

Cutie-pie.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

Come on.

Oh, chiseling, eh?

Joe, let me explain.

Explain nothing. Come on, guy.

We'll clean house

with these mugs.
Joe, wait a minute!

[ALL GRUNTING]

Out of the way.
LARRY: I'm holding 'em back.

Out of the way!
I can't. I'm holding 'em back!

[SCREAMS]

Ow!

Joe, wait a minute. Joe--

Ah, get away from here.

Take it easy, now. Get up.
Hold that door.

[SCREAMS]

[THUGS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Get down to the cellar
on that dumbwaiter

and send it right back up.
Hurry.

LARRY: Hey, how 'bout me?

You're next.

Now?

Ow!

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

[WHOOPING]

Hurry. Hurry back. Hurry!

Hey, open that door!

Get started. Hold it.

Go down to the cellar
and send it back up.

Now, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Okay.

[LARRY SCREAMS]

Oh-- Oh!

[THUGS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[MOE SCREAMS]

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, they're down
in the basement. Hurry.

Just a minute.
Now, you listen to me.

Those men are the three famous
horsemen from Boulder Dam.

Uh, hey, you head 'em off
that way.

I'll-- I'll go down
the dumbwaiter.

Right! Quick!

[JOE SCREAMS]

[YELLING] Oh!

[WHOOPING]

JOE: Hey!

Come on, fellas.
Let's take this like men.

You guys want to play
football for me?

Well, uh...

Yeah.

We can't play football.

Oh, I know.

You're afraid you're gonna lose
your amateur status, huh?

Oh, say, that's all right.

I'll protect you guys.

Now, listen,
nobody will ever see ya play.

Nobody will ever hear ya play.

We'll play it
behind closed doors.

Well, what do you say?

Okay. Spread out.

Spread out.

Hey, I don't know
anything about this game.

It's easy.
When the pitcher pitches--

This is football, chump.

All you gotta do
when a man gets the ball

is tackle him. Get it?

The man with the ball,
bring him down.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]
All right, throw me the ball.

How's that, Moe?

Wasn't that great?

That's tacklin'.

Say, what's the big idea,
anyway?

He told us to do it.

Oh, he did, eh?

Ah, now, get going.

Oh, professional jealousy, eh?

Ah, you...

Are you sure
these are the three horsemen?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[PLAYERS SHOUT INDISTINCTLY]

Ah-- Ah-- Ah-- Ah-- Ah--

[PLAYERS SHOUT INDISTINCTLY]

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk,
nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Oh...

Ah-- Ah-- Ah-- Ah-- Ah--
Whoo, whoo, whoo!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Six, three, two, hip.

MOE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

MAN: Whoa. Get the ball.

Hey.

REFEREE: Come on, come on.

If them guys are clowning,

they better cut it out
before I get sore.

[ALL GRUNT]

PLAYER : One, two, three.

PLAYER :
Eleven, , nine. Hike.

PLAYER : Hike!
PLAYER : Get him!

Hey, come on. [CURLEY WHOOPING]

LARRY: Come on.

Over to the right a bit.

Now, a little closer.

Now, hold it.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

PLAYER : Let's go, g*ng.
PLAYER : Come on, guys.

[PLAYERS SHOUT INDISTINCTLY]

Hold it.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Give me that ball.

Come here. Come.

Ooh! Ooh. I got it.

Get on the field.

[PLAYERS SHOUT INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, what do we do
when we get the ball?

Why, apple-head, all you gotta
do when you get the ball

is go that way. Go that way.

Oh. You understand?

Yeah, I do,
but I don't think he does.

Do you get it? Certainly.

PLAYER : Hike!

PLAYER : Come on. Let's go.

Six, three, two, hip.

MOE: Hey, come back! Hey!

[PLAYERS SHOUT INDISTINCTLY]

See, we did that.

You know, uh, I...

[PLAYERS SHOUT INDISTINCTLY]

They made a touchdown,
didn't they?

Yeah.

Get in here.

Wait a minute.
What do we do now?

You get up there
and block that kick.

Grab him on that side.
Get him up.

What do you mean,
block that kick?

Just keep the ball
from going over the bar.

Okay.

[PLAYER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Why, the dirty double-crossers.

They threw this game on purpose.

Come on, boys.

Ooh, whoo, whoo, whoo,
whoo, whoo, whoo.

Ah-- Ah-- Ah-- Ah--

[WHOOPING]

[♪]