02x19 - Handwriting on the Wall

[bunniefuu]

[OPENING THEME PLAYING]

Oh, Miss Kraus, that French toast was delicious.

That wasn't French toast.

That was toast a laKraus. What's the difference?

Well with toast a laKraus,

first you dip it in the batter

and then you aggravate it for about minutes.

Do you care to join me for a cup of coffee, Benson?

Yes, sir. About those demonstrators outside...

Are they here already?

They woke me up this morning.

"Save the animals, trees, and grass.

"Kick Gene Gatling out of office."

Well, she remembered most of it.

I'm not crazy about the sentiment, but it is catchy.

Sir, Captain McDermott is worried about security.

He wants to disperse the demonstrators.

Oh, well, we could ask them to leave,

but I don't think they'd go.

Well, he had in mind turning a fire hose on them.

I won't allow it.

Well, I took the liberty of telling him that, sir.

Those demonstrators have as much right to be here as Captain McDermott.

How can we make him understand that?

We could turn the fire hose on him.

How long is that rabble going to march around chanting?

They're upset about converting a state forest

into an energy-exploration site, but what am I gonna do?

All the geologists say it's the best place to look

for natural gas.

Not as good as the state legislature.

Your concern is admirable, sir, but it's unwarranted.

You have single-handedly protected more land

than any governor in the history of this state.

It's nothing to lose sleep over.

That's what I keep telling myself as I lie there awake.

I tried counting sheep,

but they were all carrying little suitcases

'cause I'd kicked them out of their homes.

Governor, you sent the bill to the legislature.

Now that it's passed, you can't very well veto it. [SCOFFING]

I can't? Well, you can. Hm?

But you can't.

How much do you pay him for advice like that?

Good morning, everybody.

ALL: Good morning, Marcy.

Isn't it great to see all those concerned citizens

protesting against one of the outrages

of our technocratic society?

Thank you, Jane Fonda. We know where you stand.

Of course, I would never try to influence the Governor's opinion

one way or the other.

But!

How anyone can turn his back on all those helpless little animals

is beyond me.

You know, sometimes it isn't lonely enough at the top.

I wouldn't worry, sir. History will support you on this.

Well, I certainly hope so because this fellow doesn't.

Let me read you this letter I got.

"You dirty rat."

Oh, that's probably for Clayton.

I haven't even gotten to the good part.

"I hate you. What you're doing to animals stinks.

"I hope you croak."

Signed, "A friend."

Sir, all this proves is that one of your critics is deranged.

Well, I'll say this for him.

His printing's very legible for crayon.

Well, an issue like this was bound to provoke

at least one crank letter.

Oh, he's written me others, or she has.

They're in my desk.

You sure they're all from the same person?

It looks like the same green crayon.

Are they all like this? Oh, no.

Some are really nasty. [CHUCKLES]

You mind if I take a look at them?

No, help yourself. They're in my left-hand desk drawer.

Why do you suppose Benson's so interested in those letters?

Maybe he's looking for a pen pal.

You called me, pretty lady?

Why, Captain McDermott, if I called you anything,

it wouldn't be that.

He's here, Benson.

BENSON: Coming!

If this is about those demonstrators outside, my men are ready for them.

Sorry, McDermott. Put your fire hose back in your holster.

Hello, McDermott. How are you?

Ready, willing, and able. What's this all about, Benson?

[IMITATING McDERMOTT] The Governor's been getting some hate mail.

Really? From who, Benson?

That's what we'd like you to find out. Right.

What? Hate mail?

Well, sure. You haven't seen these before?

No. I thought you opened all the Governor's mail.

Benson, if you're gonna conduct this interrogation,

what am I doing here?

If I were you, that's one question I'd never ask.

Leave it to a pro, Benson.

I thought you opened all the Governor's mail.

I do.

You must have overlooked these.

McDermott, It's pretty hard to overlooks something written in green crayon.

Well, if they didn't come in the mail, then how'd the Governor get them?

How do I know? Maybe somebody just walked in and put them on his desk.

No, that's impossible.

How long have those protestors been in that conga line out there?

More than a week.

Right, and since day one,

I've been sacking out right here at the mansion.

I haven't seen any fishy-looking characters sneaking around. Have you?

No. Just a senator or two.

Would you get somebody on these?

No problem, Benson.

Do you think we're dealing with a real weirdo here?

Yes. He just left.

Good morning, Clayton.

Mm-hmm.

What's it all about, Benson?

Well, I was just gonna ask you that.

I have been working on this gas-exploration bill

for three months.

Three long months of futility.

I am overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness,

as if all my monumental efforts add up to diddly-squat.

I have exactly the same feeling when I look at my paycheck.

You know what the problem is, Benson? It's the system.

The government has grown so complex.

It's almost impossible to do anything.

So why do I keep trying?

Why am I here?

Come off it, Clayton. You're good at what you do.

The Governor needs you. The state needs you.

That's why you're here.

You're right. Of course.

Thank you.

You know, I'd like to return the compliment,

but try as I may, I find it impossible to be insincere.

Serves you right, stupid.

Hi, Benson. Hi, sugar.

Benson, my friend Judy's coming over after school today.

We have to finish our science project.

Okay.

But that means we can't have our chess game this afternoon.

Well, that's fine with me.

The last time we played chess,

my king didn't last long enough to raise taxes.

Bye. Bye, babe.

This is for you. Yeah.

Morning. Morning.

Captain McDermott left it on my desk.

It's the police psychologist report on the hate mail.

Thank you, Marcy. He said it's confidential.

Oh, yeah? What's it say?

It says that whoever wrote the...

It's all right, Marcy. My name's on it. You can tell me.

It says whoever wrote the letters is not violent

and in no way poses a threat to the Governor.

Well, I certainly hope they know what they're talking about.

It's amazing what you can tell from handwriting analysis.

Really? How do you know?

I used to mess around with it in high school.

I'd look at girls' handwriting and tell them

what they subconsciously longed for

was a deep, physical relationship

with a fairly short, sensitive man.

Did that work? No.

But then nothing else did, either.

Everybody, in the living room! Come quick!

I wonder what this is all about.

She probably found a dime in the couch.

Kraus, will you please slow down long enough

to tell us what this is all about?

I'll tell you what it's about! Just look at my wall!

MARCY: Good Lord!

"Don't mess with mooses."

KRAUS: Ja. I haven't seen anything like that

since Janine spray-painted "Divorce me" on the garage door.

I'll get something to clean the wall.

Nobody touches that, Kraus. It's evidence.

But who could have done this thing?

Captain? Roger.

Here's the way I read the evidence.

In order to write that message,

the man had to be inside the mansion.

Either that, or he had a very long crayon.

Now, there are two possibilities.

Either our friend came inside from the outside,

or he could have been inside all along.

I think you just lost me.

He's saying it could have been an inside job.

That's your theory?

That's Dummkopf-Spiel.

Are you accusing one of us?

Everybody in this room is a suspect,

so nobody leaves till I finish my investigation.

Well, nobody's going to investigate me.

I'll be in my kitchen.

Yeah, so will I.

I'll be at my desk, sir.

Sir, I feel my authority's being challenged here.

It's not being challenged. It's being laughed at.

Governor, they're right. This doesn't make any sense.

I'm sorry, Benson, but Captain McDermott's just doing his job.

How would it look if I excused my personal staff

or myself from an investigation?

Thank you, sir. You said you had some method of finding out who did this.

It's very simple.

I'm sure it is if he thought of it.

I'll need handwriting samples.

I want everybody on the staff to write something for me.

Oh, goody. Can I make mine a personal message?

Don't be cute, Benson. What am I going to do with a personal message?

The instruction will be in the message.

Just write your little heart out, Benson.

Meantime, I'll bring in the Screaming Eagles.

Couldn't you just get a police dog?

Well, sir, Screaming Eagles is the trade name for this little baby.

The state of the art in sonar-beam alarm systems.

[ALARM BLARING]

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Turn it off! Off!

[INAUDIBLE]

I had you going there for a minute, didn't I?

I can have one of these in every room of the mansion by tonight, sir.

Isn't there any other way?

Not if you want to catch this sucker.

I better get the troops cracking on this.

Sir, isn't Captain McDermott overdoing this?

No. We can't hold him back, Benson.

We have to give him his head.

Shouldn't we put something in it first?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, you can rest easy, Benson.

The alarm system's been completely installed

inside and out.

I've instructed my men to turn it on at exactly

, , , now.

The green crayon has been silenced for tonight.

You're a credit to the flag, McDermott.

Thanks, Benson.

You're some kind of guy yourself, fella.

Well, it's been a long one.

I think I'll hit the pillow and stack up some Z's.

Okay, Benson. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

You bugged my bed?

Cute, Benson, but don't worry. Trust me.

We'll all sleep easier tonight.

If anybody even moves, we'll know it.

My men have wired every window, every door.

[ALARM BLARING]

No! No! No!

[ALARM STILL BLARING]

Cut it! Cut it!

[BLARING CONTINUES]

I don't know what you're complaining about, Kraus.

You set off one of those alarms yourself.

Well, I had to brush my teeth.

You could have left them in the glass till morning.

Good day.

Easy for you to say!

You didn't have eagles screaming at you all night.

Where's the Governor? He isn't down yet.

How long's he gonna be?

Um, he should just be a few minutes.

You two gonna wait here?

You bet your bobsled.

Fine. I'll be in the kitchen.

What are you looking at? You don't know, either, huh?

Good morning. BENSON: Good morning, Governor.

About those alarms...

I know. It was awful. Where's McDermott?

I'm gonna get him on the phone.

How many times did those alarms go off last night?

I lost count after a Screaming Eagle

caught a moth in Katie's closet.

McDermott, get over to the Governor's office.

It's down the hall and to your left.

McDermott even triggered one.

I found him in the hall in his pajamas.

McDermott in his jammies, huh? No wonder the eagle screamed.

You wouldn't believe what those demonstrators did to me.

What? One of them yelled, "Animal k*ller,"

and hit me with a bag of trail mix.

A pretty good shot. I was running at the time.

You know, that trail mix wasn't bad, either.

Hey, there, Pete.

I saw you zigzagging up that lawn.

Good moves, fella.

You wanted to talk to me, sir?

Yes. I'm afraid your security system isn't working out.

Nobody got in, did they?

Nobody got to the bathroom, either.

Inconvenience is the price we pay for security, Kraus.

If every home in America had a Screaming Eagle,

we wouldn't hear about crime anymore.

Yeah, we'd all be deaf.

None of the outside alarms were triggered last night, right?

Too bad we weren't sleeping outside.

Were there any notes this morning?

Just one for the milkman.

But none in crayon.

Well, I rest my case.

Don't rest it till you've explained it.

Well, he's saying that there are no notes this morning

because nobody broke into the mansion last night.

Bull's eye.

So it was nobody on staff? It was an outsider?

Roger. Good.

Then we can take out all the inside alarms

and get some sleep.

Whatever you say, sir. I just follow orders.

Then follow that one.

[THUD] Look.

"Stay out of the woods or I'll beat you up good."

You know what we have here, Benson?

It sounds like a poem from Muhammad Ali.

No. What we have here is an ironic twist.

I was wrong.

It is an inside job.

Hi, kiddo.

Hi, Captain McDermott.

I like the way you handle that crayon, little lady.

Thanks.

Have a lot of experience with crayons, do you?

I don't have a lot of experience with anything.

I'm only .

Very nice tree. Thank you.

How come it's blue?

'Cause I don't have a green crayon.

Why not? Did you wear it out?

No. I just can't find it.

Uh-huh? I guess I lost it.

It's not much of an alibi, sweetheart.

Okay, how's this?

This morning when the note was discovered on my father's door

I was not on the premises.

I spent the previous night

at the home of my good friend and co-student

Judy Palermo.

All right, all right.

That's enough. We were working on a science project.

This can be verified by Judy's parents

Marie and Arnold.

Get away from me, kid!

Oh, that stupid delivery boy!

What are these bags doing here?

So far, they haven't done anything.

Tell Senator Ravel

I agreed with him about Senator Billings.

Yes, sir. What should I tell Senator Billings?

I'll tell him myself.

I'm gonna go see him Visitors Day.

[GRUNTING]

What's that, Clayton? These are the dead files

I asked you to have removed from my office.

Oh, I wouldn't leave them there.

[SIGHS] Where would you like them? In your office.

That's where maintenance is gonna pick them up. Oh, no.

You'll all be happy to hear

the alarm system's been completely removed.

[ALL CHEERING SARCASTICALLY]

Hey, if this is a party, how come I wasn't invited?

Clayton, will you get those files off my table?

Very well. Back to the salt mines.

Kraus, what is this?

McDERMOTT: Everybody, freeze! PETER: Why?

Don't move. That's a b*mb.

ALL: A b*mb?

Nobody move!

[GRUNTING]

Stand perfectly still, Clayton!

Shouldn't we all get out of here?

We can't, sir. It's too risky.

The slightest jarring could set that thing off.

Then why didn't it go off a long time ago?

Because these jokers are temperamental.

That's why, Kraus.

I've seen a t*nk roll right over one of these, and nothing.

Then somebody drops a cigarette near one, and kaboom!

Kaboom? [WHIMPERING]

McDermott, we don't have all day.

If Katie comes through that door skipping rope,

we're all gonna be blown to smithereens.

If you know how to defuse this thing, then do it!

Okay, okay. No problem.

But it'll take two of us.

Two of us? I don't do bombs.

I'd love to do it, Benson, but I left my glasses in the can.

Sorry, ladies.

Now, don't worry, Benson.

If you can screw in a light bulb, you can do this.

We are doomed.

Captain McDermott!

Don't let that touch the floor, Clayton!

[GROANING]

Marcy, have you got a Philips screwdriver?

Not on me.

How about

a potato peeler?

That'll do.

Hurry.

I can't feel my fingers.

All right, Benson, now, the first thing you do

is disconnect that red wire from the terminal.

Red wire from the terminal?

Hold it!

How does that go?

"White, you're right. Red, you're dead."

You better make that the white wire.

I suppose it's too late to call Radio Shack.

Trust me, Benson. The white wire.

Hit the deck!

What happened?

For one thing, I nearly lost my lunch.

One of those magnetized babies.

You slap it on the side of a ship, it sticks right there.

Forget the lecture.

I'm doing irreparable damage to my back.

Cut the chatter, Clayton!

[GROANING]

All right, Benson. Just relax

and very carefully get that peeler off the b*mb

and then proceed.

Proceed? Yeah.

The only thing you told me was red is dead.

[GASPS] Ah. Good.

Okay. Now try turning that terminal

that's attached to the white wire

from the right to the left.

BENSON: Right to the left.

That should loosen it,

unless it's one of those Ruskie jobs.

Well, then what?

Well, as they say in Russia, sayonara.

Come on, Benson! Chop, chop!

McDERMOTT: [GRUNTS] Good.

Good. BENSON: Mm-hmm?

You're getting it. Mm-hmm?

[STAMMERS]

Yeah. Ah! Good.

Good. All right.

Now, this next step should do it, Benson.

That should disarm the b*mb.

Just take a deep breath

and pull that wire away from the terminal.

The red one, right? No! No! No!

Just checking.

Ohh!

Oh, wonderful.

You saved our lives,

and I have the posture of a question mark.

I'm going to call the chiropractor.

Thanks for the assist, Benson.

Any time. Hey!

Hey, who broke my science project?

This is your science project?

It was an electromagnet.

Now it's junk.

I got to go call Judy Palermo.

[FLOORBOARD CREAKS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[WHISPERING] I think there's somebody in the living room.

Crayon man? I think so.

I'll go around the other way.

[MUFFLED COUGH]

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[SNEEZES LOUDLY]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[FLOOR CREAKS]

[GASPS]

Gotcha!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Where did he go?

I think he must have gone out that way.

[FLOORBOARD CREAKS] [GASPS] Listen!

Aha!

Oh! If we're gonna be dancing like this,

shouldn't one of us be humming?

Sorry, Benson, we thought you were the crayon man.

We have no guarantees that he isn't.

I say we search him for crayons.

I'm warning you, Kraus. You frisk at your own risk.

Oh, Captain McDermott, I'm so glad you're here.

You probably heard the commotion.

What's with him?

I think he's sleepwalking.

But his eyes are open.

It's not that unusual, Miss Kraus.

Aha. I think Captain McDermott just solved this case.

I believe I'll wake him up and congratulate him.

Captain! Captain!

McDermie!

Benson, what are you doing in my bedroom?

Look at the wall!

Holy Toledo! He struck again.

You find any clues? Just one.

Me? Caught with the smoking crayon.

You've been sleepwalking.

And sleepwriting.

Sleepwalking? I can't believe it.

I haven't done that since they threw me out of the orphanage.

And, look, he started to write something about bears.

I didn't know you cared about the animals.

He probably doesn't know it himself, Miss Kraus,

but obviously deep within his subconscious,

Captain McDermott loves that forest.

Of course I love that forest.

It's where I do all my hunting.

What's the matter? They closed the children's zoo?

Not funny, Benson.

Well, Governor, I guess you'll want my badge and my g*n.

That won't be necessary.

But Katie would like her crayon.

You mean I stole that crayon?

Benson, what's happening to me?

I don't know. I lost interest after you woke up.

Good morning, Governor. Good morning, Benson.

BENSON: Did you sleep well?

Yes, I did, once I got the idea.

What idea is that, sir?

I'm assigning two conservationists

to that oil exploration crew.

That way, we'll have somebody to look after the forest.

I feel a lot better now.

It's a good idea, sir. Makes me feel a lot better, too.

Oh, I didn't know you were concerned, Benson.

You were the only one who didn't express his feeling.

Well, I was gonna drop you a note about it.

Why didn't you? Somebody else had the crayon.