02x19 - Grandpa Robs A Bank

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Oh, gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Hey, gimme a break!


And then this guy at the pizza dome comes out


With a giant, family-sized pizza.


And he says, "do you want me to cut this pizza


In pieces or pieces?"


[ Laughs ]


And I said to him, "you better cut it into pieces


Because I can't eat pieces of pizza."


[ Both laugh ]


There's a perfect couple.


Ed lays an egg, and maxine cackles.


I like uncle ed.


He never grew up. He just grew out.


Ed, I made a pumpkin pie for dessert.


Would you like me to give you a piece to sit on?


Oh, sure thing, nell.


Just put it here on top of my head.


[ Both laugh ]


Oh, I just love him.


So why don't you marry him?


Oh.


Well, he never asked me.


What are you waiting for, eddie?


Oh, come on, pop. Quit joking around.


Grandpa, you're embarrassing them.


They've only been going together for six months.


Yeah, I heard on tv that today's woman


Wants a career instead of marriage.


Oh, not me, kid.


Believe me, hustling johns is no fun.


Honey, she means selling bathroom plumbing.


Oh.


When are you gonna marry her, eddie?


Ed come on, folks.


Let's quit this talk about marriage.


I mean, this is supposed to be a happy occasion, huh?


Besides, maxine doesn't want to get married.


Yes, I do.


That is, if I ever find the right guy.


The right guy?


You mean you wouldn't marry me?


Oh!


Of course I would!


You big lug.


Eddie, I think she just accepted your proposal.


[ Crying ]


Proposal?


What proposal?


You mean that wasn't a proposal?


[ Laughs nervously ]


Oh, what the hell.


Might as well do this thing the right way.


Come on, maxine.


Come on.


Sit down.


Oh, eddie!


Maxine, will, uh...


Will you marry me?


I'll have to think about it.


You'd better think fast. His pants are starting to split.


Maxine kanisky.


[ Screams ] I love it!


Listen, everybody, listen.


Can I have your attention for a minute?


I want to make an announcement.


As my brother has saw fit to propose in my house,


I'm gonna insist that he be married here.


[ All murmur ]


And I'm gonna pick up the bill for the wedding.


[ Cheering ]


Gee, thanks, carl.


What do you say, nell?


Would you mind taking care of the arrangements?


Sure thing. You got it.


I don't know what to say,


Except this is the greatest family in the whole world.


Well, eddie, aren't you gonna kiss the bride?


Oh, yeah.


As soon as I can find somebody to help me get off my knee.


[ Chuckles ]


I'll call the auto club.


[ Doorbell rings ]



Jus--


Hello?


I'm looking for the madam of the house.


Oh, honey, I'm sorry. That's three blocks down.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Yeah?


Perhaps I should have introduced myself. My card.


Okay.


"Graham bush, glenlawn's finest caterer."


Come on in here.


Incidentally, your flowers are dead.


Thank you.


I was just about to get rid of them, anyway.


Hi, I'm nell harper.


I'm taking care of the food arrangements.


[ Clears throat ]


Well, obviously you know something about food.


Yes, I know a meatball when I see one.


Well, you just leave everything in my hands,


And I'll give you an affair to remember.


An affair with you is something I wouldn't forget.


[ Chuckles ]


Have you picked the hotel yet?


We thought we'd have it here.


Here? In a thrift shop?


It's just a family wedding.


Whatever does the groom do?


Oh, he's a mortician.


How festive.


And the bride?


Well, she's retired.


From what?


Well, see, she used to be a professional,


But when she gets married,


She's going back to being an amateur.


She's an athlete?


That's one way of looking at it.


Come on, let's come here and talk about the menu.


Now, we want your very best.


Ah, the very best would be $ a head.


Not that best.


What would I get for, say, $ a head?


A lot of cold stares.


The best I can do for you is $ a head.


Okay, well, now you're talking turkey.


Actually, you'll be eating crow...


If I can catch one.


Now, what about the extras?


Well, okay, what extras?


Would you like the food on plates?


[ Piano plays wagner's "bridal chorus" ]


Naughty grandpa.


That's for after the ceremony.


At my age, you don't put off anything.


Hello!


So glad you could make it. Come on in.


Nell.


Yeah? What is it?


I need a pair of scissors.


Okay.


What's wrong?


The vest that eddie rented is too tight.


I got to cut it up the back.


I told you you should have rented rubber clothes.


Is that fly spray?


It's only water. My liver started to dry up.


Mine dried up years ago.


There, try that.


It's still too tight.


Well, it would have fit


If you hadn't made a pig of yourself at your bachelor party.


How's that?


That's perfect.


Wait a minute. I got an idea.


Here, sit down. And button that up, huh?


Carl, I'm worried about what's gonna happen


After the wedding.


Everything is gonna be fine. You'll see.


I don't know, carl.


You know, they say after you're married, you gain weight.


Carl, I could explode.


Look, eddie, once you say those three little words, "I do,"


It'll be all over.


And so will all the good times.


What do you expect of marriage anyway?


I don't know.


You love her, don't you?


Well, yeah, sure.


Well, marriage will cure that.


Well...


So much for something old.


Oh, and this is borrowed,


So that kills two birds with one stone.


You got the pearls nell gave you, so that's new.


Now all we need is something blue.


Hey, here.


You can borrow my smurf.


Honey, maxine is too grown-up for that.


Give it to uncle ed.


I've got some blue ribbons in my room.



Oh, thank you, katie.


Hey, break a leg, big guy.


Hi, maxine.


Oh, no! Out! Away, away!


Don't you come in here!


Close the door.


It's bad luck for the groom


To see the bride before the wedding.


I got it, grandma.


No, wait!


Go ahead.


Good luck, sonny.


You make a handsome groom.


Try not to make a jackass out of yourself.


Come on, you guys.


I'm gonna get some tissues in case I start to cry.


Use the ones in your bra.


Hi, maxine.


Hi, ed.


You look nice.


Yeah, so do you.


[ Piano plays wagner's "bridal chorus" ]


Well, here we go,


For better...or for worse.


Yeah. I could do better, and you could do worse.


You mean I'm not good enough for you?


Ed, that was a joke.


Yeah? What comes next, a fat joke?


What's the matter with you?


You're trying to change my life.


I am not. I like you just the way you are.


There it is. There it is. The fat joke.


And what about going out with the boys?


I told you I gave all that up.


I'm talking about me!


You want to go out with boys?!


The boys.


You know, bowling, poker, beer parties.


Oh, ed, you hate that stuff.


There you go, telling me I can't do things I hate to do.


Oh, ed, you're just afraid.


You're making up excuses.


You're just trying to get out of marrying me.


No, I'm not. Yes, you are.


No, I'm not. Yes, you are.


No, I'm not.


Yes, you are!


I don't have to make up an excuse.


I have a real, good, definite excuse!


Oh, really? Well, what's that?


I have a button off my sleeve.


That's it. The wedding's off.


Ed! Ed, come out!


Ed, come out! Ed!


[ Piano plays wagner's "bridal chorus" ]


Oh, they're playing our song.


Folks...


Well, since this is such a joyous occasion,


I think we ought to have a little toast before the wedding.


All right, carl, let me give the first.


It's easy to grin when your ship comes in


And life is a happy lot.


But the man who's worthwhile is the man who can smile


While his shorts creep up in a knot.


Cheers!


Eddie, what's wrong, honey?


Did your zipper break?


Did your deodorant stop working?


Ed, come out of there.


You're making us all look like idiots.


Come on, listen. You just come in here and relax.


I'll get him out


If I have to drag him through the keyhole hair by hair.


Is he still in there?


He has to be.


He's too fat to get through the window.


Look, why don't you go downstairs and make an excuse


While I get him out, huh?


Wait a minute. Why does it have to be me?


Because my only w*apon is a g*n. You got your mouth.


If I were you,


I would watch out for kitty litter in my oatmeal.


[ Laughs nervously ]


May I have your attention, please?


Please, let me have your attention.


This is so funny.


[ Laughs nervously ]


Oh, let me tell you what happened.


It seems that the groom...


The groom dropped his teeth in the toilet.


He's diving for it right now.


Now, y'all go on and eat and be merry.


Hello, judge, how you doing?


Okay, nell, but I wasn't planning on this delay.


I have to get back to court for a m*rder trial.


Just hang around here.


There's bound to be one any second.


So how long have you known maxine?


Oh, for years.


Yes, we used to work together.



Oh, in the phone company?


The telephone company?


Well, yeah.


My sister said that you were call girls.


Oh. [ Chuckles ]


That's a good one.


Excuse us.


Samantha, dear,


I don't want to go into details or anything,


But ginger and pepper are...


Ladies of the evening.


What do they do in the daytime?


Wait for it to get dark.


No, wait a minute.


Let's get the judge in this picture.


Here, girls. I'll be right back.


I'm judge mackinaw.


Yes, hello, judge.


Hello.


How do you do?


You girls look familiar. Have we met before?


Yeah, several times.


Oh, yeah. You're known as judge freebie.


Oh.


Carl, let me handle this.


Oh, it's no use, pop. He's not gonna come out.


Open up this door, you horsefaced blimp!


Oh, he's in drag.


It's not that door, pop. Ed's in here.


Ed, come out.


Please come out.


Oh, take it easy, maxine.


I know how to get that dim bulb out of there.


We need brute force.


Pop, you're right. I'll get nell.


Maxine, what's the story?


You can talk to me. I've been around.


You can tell anything about ed to me.


Just don't tell me he's ac/dc.


Oh, no, no. I can guarantee that.


I think the medical term is called "cold feet."


Yeah, well, carl was the same way.


Now, let me handle this.


Ed, there's a caterer downstairs


Who's going to throw away $ , worth of food.


Better stand back.


You may get hit by a flying doorknob.


Well, if he's not coming out for food,


We're in worse trouble than I thought.


Ed, this is your father.


At least your mother tells me that.


Now, ed, it's your wedding day.


Come on out and face it like a man.


Ed, you and maxine


Are like two ships that meet in the night.


She's a sleek luxury liner.


You're a broken-down tugboat


That's coming apart at the seams.


Now, you've got to bring her into dock


Before your pier collapses.


And if you don't,


You're gonna end up a very lonely, unhappy old man.


I'm sorry, maxine.


Sorry? That's it?


You ruined the most wonderful day of my life,


And all you can say is you're sorry?


Well, I had to have a little time to think.


We've been going steady for six months,


And you never thought before?


No.


Thanks to you.


Eddie, your father's here.


Don't mind me. I can't hear a thing.


So what did you think about all this time?


Well, I thought that if I shaved my beard,


I'd look about years younger.


Oh, eddie, are you still worried


About being too old to get married?


Yeah.


That's what I figured out.


I'd rather be too old with you than too old without you.


That is, if you'll still have me.


Oh, eddie, you could never be too old for anything.


Boy, has she got a lot to learn.


Nell hit it, samantha!


[ Piano plays wagner's "bridal chorus" ]


[ Music ends ]


[ Clears throat ]


Hi, judge.


Maxine.


We are gathered together today


To join this man and this woman in the bonds of wedlock.


If anyone knows why this marriage should not take place,


Let them speak now or forever hold their peace.


Let's not wait forever. These tuxedos are rented.


Edward, do you take maxine to be your lawfully wedded wife?


Edward?!


Would you repeat the question, please?


He does.


I do.



Maxine, do you take edward


To be your lawfully wedded husband?


I do.


Then by the power vested in me,


I now pronounce you husband and wife.


You may kiss the bride.


[ Cheering and applause ]


[ Indistinct conversations ]


Oh, I have to throw the flowers!


Okay, okay. Right here, right here.


Oh, papa, I feel like a bride again.


Just like when we were on our honeymoon.


Would you like to try to go back to the good ol' days?


Sure, only this time, I'll run into the bathroom and cry.


[ Piano plays wagner's "bridal chorus" ]