♪ Don't feel bad because ♪
♪ The sun went down... ♪
Woman:
This is so nice.
Man: Hmm?
Woman:
Us being together
in the morning.
- MaOh.
- Woman: Yeah,
holding each other,
talking. Hmm.
( chuckles )
If more married people
did this,
there'd be
fewer divorces.
Hey, don't you
agree? Hmm?
Man:
Yes, absolutely.
( kiss )
( woman sighs )
I feel like I've known you
for more than one night.
( sighs ) Oh.
How long do you feel
you've known me?
Man:
I don't even think
about it.
( woman laughs )
( kissing )
♪ ...The moon is made
of gold... ♪
Woman:
Will I see you again?
Man:
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.
Last night--
I mean, last night was...
special, you know.
It was really great.
- Woman: Mm-hmm.
- But,
I don't know,
I'm going through
some real bad times.
- I get it. I get it.
- What? What?
- I get it.
- What?
We're just ships passing
in the night, right?
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, not ships.
More like, you know,
subway trains.
- Oh, come on.
- Yeah, you know.
You know how the express
always just kind of
flies by the local
- at 34th Street, right?
- Uh-huh.
I'm just the rundown
old local
and you're just
the express
just passing me by,
Jean.
Jean?
It's Jane.
- Jane-- that's
what I said.
- Jane.
That's what I said.
I said "Jane." I was
just testing you,
to see if you were
paying attention.
Come on.
- ( laughs ) Oh, yeah?
- Oh, God.
You've got
a beautiful neck.
Mm, you're
so delicious.
Oh, God.
- Jane: Oh my God.
- Oh, you like that?
- My husband.
- What? Forget him.
- No, he's back.
- What?
- He's right down there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Good morning, Tim.
- Good morning, Bob.
Nice to see you.
- Laura, you look great.
- Thank you.
- How did it go?
- Well, the dollar's soft
against the yen,
but Paris is always good
for food, if you've got
your credit cards.
- I've got to get upstairs
to see my better half.
- You look great.
- 'Morning.
- 'Morning.
( car horns honking )
- ( dogs barking )
- I'm-- I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
( dogs whining )
Taxi!
( whistles )
( grunts )
( hums a tune )
- Here, keep the change.
- Thanks a lot.
( hums a tune )
Argh! Look at that!
Look at that!
( laughs )
Oh, that's good.
The camera--
let me get the camera.
Okay. Whoa. David.
David, wave to Dad
later.
- Okay.
Okay, wave to Dad.
Come on, David, wave.
( laughs )
- ( laughing )
- That's it.
Happy Halloween.
( chattering )
( man chuckling )
This is quite a stunt.
I mean, I'm in shock.
Jesus, this is classic.
Can you believe this?
She said that
when she was driving
through Safari Land,
a buffalo attacked
her car.
Weaver.
Hey, hey, hey.
( whistles )
Weaver.
What?
The claim of the month
right here--
- a buffalo attack.
- Oh.
( distant siren wailing )
What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
Maybe the flu.
I don't know.
God, look at
this mess.
It's gonna
take me all weekend
to catch up.
I thought you were
going home for a wedding.
Yeah, well,
I changed my mind.
Uh-huh.
Don't want
to face her, huh?
Face who, Frank?
The ex.
Hey, look,
after my divorce,
I avoided Judy
for a year.
That's what guilt
will do to you--
shrivel your ba*ls.
Well, Nancy
won't be in there.
She avoids me, all right?
Anyway, what do I got
to feel guilty about?
She left me.
She took the kids
and the furniture
and the three-quarters
of our savings.
You know where
she's living right now?
She's living in a beautiful
country farmhouse out
in Pennsylvania.
It's the one I bought
right after my first year
of pro ball.
Hey, look,
there's no law that says
just because you're divorced
you and Nancy have to
hate each other.
Yeah, well, whatever.
Go to the wedding, huh?
And if Nancy shows up,
dance with her
and hug her
and kiss her,
because she did you
a favor, man.
She set you free.
Single men
live longer.
That's a fact.
Look it up.
You're absolutely
right, Frank.
I'm happier
than I though I was.
Sure you are.
It started two days ago,
just a spot in the ceiling.
Then last night
I woke up at 3:00
in the morning,
soaking wet and
covered with plaster.
Well, the pipes are old--
60 or 70 years old.
We're lucky we didn't
drown in our sleep.
- Hey, chill out, Sarah.
- Put that in the car
for me.
So how long is it gonna
take to fix it?
Well, the new pipes,
rewiring, replastering--
we're talking six weeks.
- Six weeks?
- If we rush it.
That's impossible.
Can't you make it
two weeks?
I can only stay
with my in-laws
for two weeks.
- Six weeks.
- How about three?
- Six.
- Four?
Lady, this isn't
a poker game.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
You gonna tell Dad?
Don't worry, he'll know
when he gets the bill.
( dog barking )
- No, no.
- What?
- The church.
- To the church?
The flowers
are supposed to be
delivered to the church.
- Tomorrow--
the wedding's tomorrow.
- Okay.
No, no, we don't
need your help.
Mom and I can do
everything ourselves,
- so, really,
thanks for offering.
- What?
- Excuse me.
- Oh.
Are you gonna run away
with me or what?
Oh, Sarah, are we gonna
have to have this
discussion again?
All right, let's think:
what happens to little
girls who run away?
Well, you've got
prostitution and
drug addiction.
I mean, don't you watch
"21 Jump Street"?
I do, yeah.
Well, you don't want that
to happen to me, do you?
So loan me 120 bucks.
Yeah, right, Sarah.
Sure I'll loan you
120 bucks.
Sure, sure, right.
Well, that's what it costs
to fly to New York.
What makes you think
I have $120 anyway?
Why don't you call Dad
and ask him?
Dad? Dad who?
You know, you think
everything is
Dad's fault.
Well, let me
tell you something:
you don't know sh*t.
( imitating drumbeat )
( laughs )
You having a good time
there, Mom?
I think I just
got carried away.
I mean, I can see it.
It's the bedroom
that time forgot.
Oh, it's like
a shrine.
Just put it
on the bed.
Hey, Mom,
get a load of this.
Oh, that's when he played
for the Bristol Braves.
Dad looks so young
in that uniform.
He sure was.
Wait a minute,
wasn't this the year
of the famous no-hitter?
Yeah. I'll never forget it.
It was the night before
we got married.
- David.
- Hmm?
Did I make a mistake
moving us to Pennsylvania?
No, no, Ma.
You wanted
to raise your kids
in clean air,
with cows and trees
and sh*t like that.
You did the right thing.
The Whipkeys will be
here any minute.
Oh, good.
It's so funny:
Karen and Doug have been
engaged for so long,
and all of us
haven't met.
( chuckles )
Karen said
that Doug's family
was very proper.
The have one of
the biggest farms
in Ohio.
I'm a little nervous.
Aww. How's Karen
holding up?
Oh, she's as happy
as a bride can be.
Well, of course
she has those nightmares
every now and then.
- Oh, no.
- Well, that's
to be expected.
Didn't you have nightmares
when you got married?
I had mine
after I got married.
Oh, Ruth.
I'm sorry to be adding
to your confusion.
No. Oh, I'm thrilled
to have you here.
Aww.
And my baby.
We'll get
your hair trimmed
before the wedding.
Of course, now we don't
have to tell Paul
that you're living here,
not right away.
In a few years.
- I know.
- Thank you.
( woman screams )
- Now what?
- Are you all right?
- Are you okay, Karen?
- Not another one.
- I can't close my eyes
for five minutes
without dreaming
about the wedding.
It's fine,
just another dream,
nothing serious.
- Call me
if you need me.
- Sure.
Were we all
naked again?
Worse. This was
at the reception.
We were waiting
for the food.
But instead of
the nice things
we ordered,
like the macaroni salad
or the Jell-o shaped
like bells,
the catering ladies
brought out this huge
pig on a rotisserie.
It had a pineapple
in its mouth.
And the catering ladies
were all wearing
grass skirts.
Oh, how awful.
And then when the bridal
dance started,
if people came up
to dance with me,
they turned
into pigs one by one,
just like that.
I looked around
and the band members
were all pigs,
Doug, his parents--
everyone.
Even Reverend Hopper
was this pig
wearing this
minister's collar.
Was I one too?
( train horn blowing )
( game playing on TV )
- Hello, Roxy.
- Hi, Boomer.
- Hey.
- How is it going,
Charlie?
- Hiya, Boomer.
- Hey, Jack.
Ruth called.
She said to remind you
you had company coming
and please...
- Please don't be late. She'd
hate to start without me...
- ( overlapping )
...but she will
if she has to.
- Right, yeah.
What's the score?
- 1-nothing.
- Chicago?
- Yeah.
- What's he done?
- Nothing.
- Eh, it's still early.
They'll pull it out.
- I hope so.
Everything's gonna be
beautiful--
just beautiful.
Now pull yourself
together.
The future in-laws
will be here any minute.
Karen, do
the Whipkeys know
about Paul and Nancy--
the divorce?
When you're planning
to marry someone's son,
you don't discuss
the divorces in your
family.
Doug's parents are
very conservative.
They probably think
their son's marrying
a virgin.
He is.
I don't want to hear you
say that word again.
And there's only been
one divorce in our family.
It's not as if
we're depraved.
Speaking of depraved,
Daddy is going to be home
for lunch, isn't he?
Well, of course
he is, dear.
Your father promised
he'd be on his best
behavior this weekend.
I can't believe we spent
200 bucks on that gown.
Our entire wedding
didn't cost 200 bucks--
a judge, two witnesses
and a six-pack.
What do you have to go
to this damn wedding for
anyway?
I don't have to go
to the wedding.
I want to go.
Why do you have to
go away this weekend?
♪ Take the long way
home ♪
♪ Take the long
way home ♪
♪ There are times
that you feel... ♪
- Look out!
( car horn honks )
( tires screech )
Hey, man.
Hey. You always drive
with your eyes closed?
- I'm sorry. I've been
on the road for 10 hours.
- as*h*le.
What did you say?
Watch my mouth move.
I said "as*h*le."
Oh, that's sweet.
What are you
looking at?
Nothing.
I just thought
he looked familiar.
Yeah, a familiar
as*h*le.
( engine grinding )
Oh.
Oh.
Look, Daddy.
You didn't see this.
Isn't that sweet?
- Here we are.
- Mm, yum.
I was thinking
I might have made...
fish,
but it's so warm.
And, of course,
not everybody likes fish.
Besides,
it's not Friday.
( both chuckle )
And you can never
go wrong with beef,
can you?
That's very true, Ruth.
Beef is dependable.
- What is it?
- It's beef, Mother.
Miriam, pass me
Mr. Whipkey's plate.
Oh, just call me Harold.
- Oh, Harold.
- Miriam: There you are.
Isn't it nice
we could all finally
get together?
And we're really
looking forward to meeting
Karen's father too.
Well, I'm sure he'll be
here any minute.
- Here you go, Doug.
- Thanks.
My father sometimes
gets distracted and
forgets the time.
We've heard a lot
about your father.
Miriam used to have
a brother
that got distracted
every night.
Sometimes he'd get
so distracted,
we had to carry him
to bed.
And what about
your brother, Karen?
When do we meet him?
I spoke with him
last night.
And I wish
he could be here,
but he can't.
He has too much work
to do this weekend.
Too busy to come
to your wedding?
Let's be perfectly
honest:
my son had a slight
heart attack.
And we're just worried
that he might have
a little too much
excitement this weekend.
- Harold: What a shame.
- Miriam: I'm so sorry.
By the way, where are
you folks staying?
A little place
up on the highway
called
the Hospitality Inn.
They call that
the "No-Tell Motel."
This is
my granddaughter Sarah.
Say hello to the Whipkeys.
Hello, the Whipkeys.
( guests chattering )
Ow. Jeez.
Ma, I'm sorry
to surprise you
like this.
But I just changed--
Sarah.
Wha-- my--
how are you,
sweetheart?
- Corn relish is so tart.
- Sarah, who were you talking
to in the kitchen, honey?
- Ta-dah!
- Ruth: Paul!
- Ruth: Oh my goodness.
- You said you weren't
coming.
- You said you couldn't be here.
- Oh, no. Congratulations, sis.
- About time, you mean.
- Looks like he's recovered.
Ma, big surprise.
Yeah!
That's the son--
the one with the heart.
Oh, God, this is great,
seeing everybody
and of course seeing
my beautiful daughter
visiting Grandma
and Grandpa.
We're not visiting.
We've moved in.
Sarah, we'll
tell your daddy
all about that later.
- Paul, this is Doug.
- Hi, Paul.
Hi. Hi. How are you?
Ma, is David here too?
We're all living
here, Dad.
- What?
- And these are
Doug's parents.
- This is Mrs. Whipkey.
- What do you mean? What
about the farmhouse?
It's flooded.
The pipes are all rotten.
Everything's rotten.
Ma-- rotten?
What do you--?
Rotten? What do you mean,
rotten, Sarah?
Mom says you're paying
for it.
Karen, let's clear
the dishes.
- I'm not through.
- No-- oh.
Ma, that house
was in perfect shape.
That was worth $90,000.
- Don't get all excited.
- I'm not getting excited.
Did you meet the Whipkeys?
This is Mrs. Whipkey.
A man in your condition
shouldn't get
so worked up.
- Harold Whipkey,
father of the groom.
- And Miriam.
- My wife Miriam.
- My condition?
- Your heart condition.
- I don't have a heart
condition.
That's what my Willy
used to say, and he went
just like that.
( snaps fingers )
- ( objects rattling )
- Oh, dear.
- ( clock chiming )
- Damn it. 3-nothing.
$200,000 a year
they pay these guys.
They can't hit
the g*dd*mn ball out of
the g*dd*mn infield.
You save some for me?
( laughing )
Well, holy sh*t.
Look who remembered
he had a home.
Mr. Piece-of-the-Rock
himself.
Hi there, Dad.
Looks like you're
having a great day.
You're g*dd*mn right,
I am.
I have an announcement
to make.
Oh, Doug,
I'm so sorry.
My announcement is,
I've had a couple
of drinks
and I feel
a little playful.
( laughs )
Oh, who are these
lovely people?
These are the Whipkeys--
Doug's parents, dear.
Well, now I can see
where he gets his
good looks from.
Yeah, nice to
meet you
and your
lovely wife.
And I guess this must be
Doug's little sister, huh?
- ( all chuckle )
- Boomer, please.
What? What?
I'm not gonna do anything
to embarrass you, Ruth.
What kind of work
do you do, Mr. Whipskey?
- Whipkey, sir.
- Whipkey.
We've been raising pigs
for three generations.
Well, that's kosher.
( guffaws )
I'm just having
a little fun.
My sister's a lovely person.
She's got nothing to do
with this family.
In fact, I think
she was adopted.
( chuckles )
Well, I don't suppose
there's any point in
asking what's new.
You could ask me
how I am.
It's only been
a year.
Okay.
How are you?
Fine, for somebody
who's homeless.
- Here, let me--
- I got it, thanks.
I hear you flooded
our farmhouse.
- Our farmhouse?
- Yeah.
You'd better
check with your lawyer.
That house has a new owner.
Oh, well, then it seems to me
that the new owner should be
paying for the repair bills.
Not if the former owner's
lied about the condition
of the house.
- What?
- Paul, I woke up in a giant
Jacuzzi yesterday.
Every pipe in the house
is rotten, and you're gonna
pay for new ones.
Oh, maybe the plumbing
is a little old, but that
structure's good.
- The foundation's solid.
- Maybe you'd like us to live
in the foundation.
Oh, fine. Fine.
Do whatever you want.
Doesn't matter.
It's only my money,
right?
( exhales )
Sorry.
An argument
and an apology
in 30 seconds.
That's typical
for us, isn't it?
( people chattering )
How are the kids?
David likes it here.
Sarah's--
well, she's
a New York girl.
Did you get
the papers?
Hmm?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I did.
I guess
it's official.
- Signed, sealed, delivered.
- Yep.
Are you going out?
Are you dating?
Now why would you
ask me that?
Uh, just curious.
I meet people.
I go out.
Great. Good.
Here it is.
This is the one.
- Oh, let me see.
- This is when I graduated
from high school.
- Isn't she great?
- Oh, look at that
sweet face.
- I hope you like it.
- It looks lovely.
- Thank you, Mr. Whipkey.
- Oh, call me Harold.
Harold. Miriam.
The Greek guy says,
"Do we have time?"
( laughs )
Oh, that joke's
older than me.
How about this one?
A fellow wanted to give
his girlfriend...
- I'm listening.
- Okay, look...
...a mink outfit, so he
bought her two steel traps
and a shotgun.
- It's my parents' house.
- So?
- Oh, and this is
my daughter-in-law.
- Ex.
Oh, that's sweet.
You'll meet her later.
I drove 400 miles
to be here, all right?
- So?
- No, come on, listen.
- What are you doing?
- Just-- just listen.
Look, if I could just
spend a couple of nights
in this house,
in my old bed.
Look, it's those
papers.
Ever since they arrived,
I just-- it hit me.
And I need some--
I need some time,
that's all, you know,
I need a weekend.
I need a night here.
Why don't--?
Hey, why don't I
treat you and the kids
to a motel?
What did you say?
- No, no, a Howard Johnson.
- Oh, Paul.
A Ramada Inn--
you know, something really--
you know, with a pool.
Okay, fine, fine, fine.
Never mind!
You know, I d--
you know, there's
no law that says
we gotta hate each other
just 'cause we're divorced.
Oh, Paul, I don't hate you
because we're divorced.
I hate you
because we were married.
Great.
Paul.
Ma, Ma, I shouldn't
be here.
I--
come on.
Ma, Ma, Ma,
I shouldn't be here.
I made a mistake.
Are you eating okay?
You want some Jell-o?
- Karen made these cookies.
- No, no, no Jell-o.
Ma, Ma, Ma, how are you?
Are you doing okay?
Oh, you can't imagine
how many problems
there are in a wedding.
The caterer just
called me to tell me
you can't have chicken
and lasagna, and we were
counting on that.
- Oh, well.
- The bridesmaids' gowns
all turned out
an inch and a half short.
But it will all work out
in the end.
- Everything always works out
in the end, doesn't it?
- No, it doesn't.
Oh, don't be silly.
Of course it does.
As for sleeping
arrangements,
I don't even have
a sofa left.
- But there is an old--
- Ma, it's impossible.
No, no, there's
an old air mattress
I could blow up.
- Ma, I'm sorry,
I can't stay here.
- No, no, all you have to--
all you do is put
the plastic thing in your
mouth and blow. Paul?
Paul, you can
take my bed.
I'll sleep in
with Sarah.
Where is he?
Why is it taking so long?
Maybe we should
start walking.
Dad said
to stay here.
Why do you always
listen to your father
instead of me?
Dad hits harder.
What happened?
Mr. Charm leave you
stranded?
Hi.
- Hi. You're still
here, huh?
- Yeah.
Well, we've been here
about an hour,
an hour and a half.
He went to get
the tow truck.
Oh, that's too bad.
Is there anything
I can do to help?
Where can I
drop you off?
Um, the ball field,
I guess.
- My game's not till 4:00.
- You can warm up.
For three hours?
Why don't we just
go home?
I don't want
to go h*--
you can drop us off
at the ball field.
It's at the junior high.
It's about a mile and a half
up this road here.
Yeah, I know.
I used to play there
- when I was younger.
- Oh.
How's Coach Crane?
He's dead.
- Oh.
- He had a stroke.
Oh, that's too bad.
( sobbing )
Well, you know,
it's not that bad.
He was close to 75.
Oh, it's not the coach.
Believe me,
it's not Coach Crane.
Um, I think there's
a tissue or something,
a napkin.
- Thank you.
- Well, there's a roadmap.
Well...
Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
This is--
Oh, no, don't be.
I must look awful.
No, no, you don't look
awful, not at all.
( laughing )
What's so funny?
I was just wondering
what my husband was
gonna say
when he gets back
to that truck.
( tires screech )
What's wrong?
Do we have a flat tire?
What-- why--?
Why do I do this?
What? Do what?
Excuse me.
Mom, this is
how people disappear--
catching rides with
the Roadside Strangler.
Why do I get
into these things?
What is--?
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, God.
Okay, all right, okay.
What are my options?
I got a)
I can-- 10-hour-drive
back to New York.
Oh, forget it.
I can't.
What, b)
go back home.
I can't go back home.
I can't face back home.
c)...
Is everything okay?
Paul:
Then what happened?
Susan:
Well, about a year after
we moved to Pennsylvania
Danny started taking
house-painting jobs
outside of work.
He'd be gone a week
or two at a time.
He was traveling.
And then last summer
it seemed like
the only work he could get
was in Wheeling,
West Virginia.
He kept going
back there
week after week.
I started putting
two and two together
and I figured it out.
I mean,
there has to be
a woman there.
I didn't say anything
to Danny.
I kept telling myself,
"It'll be over by September,
October."
I mean, after all,
he can't--
can't say
he's painting houses
in the winter, right?
Well, then what happened
in the winter?
He took up
wallpaper-hanging...
and then carpentry.
He started painting
interiors,
woodwork, windowsills.
If it didn't move,
he painted it.
Well, maybe he just
likes the city.
You ever been
to Wheeling?
I don't know,
Van Gogh went to Tahiti
to paint.
Look, I am not stupid.
I can tell
when I'm with him.
You know what I mean--
with him.
Yeah, when you
sleep with him.
This is getting
uncomfortable.
Oh, no, not at all.
I don't mind.
I meant for me.
Hey, you're letting go
of it too soon.
You want to keep
the ball down. You gotta
keep your elbow up
and your fingers
on top of the ball.
Who is that guy?
Some lunatic trying
to pick up my mother.
I suppose I sound
very unsophisticated
to you.
Oh, God, no.
No, I wouldn't
say that.
Are you married?
I'm divorced.
Were you ever unfaithful
to your wife?
No.
Well, I mean,
you know, it depends
on your definition
of "unfaithful,"
you know, but...
Look, you know,
sometimes
it's just easier
to be with a stranger,
that's all.
- And more exciting.
- Yeah, it can be.
Why? Why is it
more exciting?
( chuckles )
Because--
because you know
that when it's over
you're not gonna
fight about who's gonna
take out the garbage.
( chuckles )
And you know
that you're not gonna
stop halfway through
because one of the kids
is throwing up.
It's just you
and a stranger
and nobody's
keeping score.
Sometimes
it's so good
that you don't even
have to talk.
Haven't you ever had
that experience?
Wow.
Not lately.
I don't want to talk
about this anymore.
Wait a minute.
What a minute, Susan.
Was it something I said?
Come on,
where are you going?
You're flirting with me,
aren't you?
No. Of course not.
Come on.
What would I want
with a beautiful,
charming, lonely woman?
Psst, hey,
let's go to a motel.
Is that a joke?
( sighs )
The "beautiful, charming"
part wasn't.
I'm not beautiful
or charming.
Listen, I was
headed back home
before you stopped me.
So I don't have any
plans this weekend.
How about you?
I'm very busy.
I'm a bridesmaid
in a wedding,
and we're throwing Karen
a bridal shower
tonight, so--
Karen Weaver?
Right.
How did you know?
Excuse me.
What's wrong, Paul?
Did I say
something wrong?
- No, no, it's not-- no.
- Well, where are we going?
No, not we, not we.
Me-- I'm the one
who's going.
Well, all right,
where are you going?
That's a good que--
look, I got a lot
on my mind today.
I'd just be better off
alone, okay?
Oh, wait, my stuff.
What? Oh, sorry.
I'm sorry if I bored you
with my problems.
- I really didn't
mean to do that.
- No, no, you're not boring.
Believe me,
if you were boring,
I wouldn't be leaving.
You really should
stick around.
These little league games
can get very exciting.
I can't. Gotta go.
Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.
- ( chuckles )
- See ya.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- What?
My gown's in the door.
Open it up. Open, open,
open, open it.
Oh, Jeez, I'm sorry.
- Oh my God!
- What?
Look, you ruined it.
Look at this.
There's grease
all over it.
I'll send you a check.
How about that?
( starts engine )
But the wedding is tomorrow.
What am I gonna do?
Well, you'll have to
figure it out.
I don't want to figure it out.
You're the one who slammed
the door on it.
- Make another--
make another one.
- I can't make another one.
This is a bridesmaid's dress.
They had it specially
made for me.
- Let go of the car.
- Danny is gonna k*ll me.
- Let go of the car.
- He didn't even want me
to be in the wedding.
- Please let go of the car.
- How do you know Karen Weaver
anyway?
God, Karen is my sister,
all right?
Let go of the car.
It's rented.
Paul, I--
You put this clamp
on here like this.
And this clamp is
connected over here
to the battery.
And then the current
comes all the way
along here
and all the way around here
and all the way up here.
So what you have to do is,
you have to put it
in the ground
very, very delicately,
like that.
And then you jump.
And then you get it
in good,
getting it down
as far as you can get it,
right there.
Then all you have to do
is turn the current on.
- ( buzzing )
- And then the current
agitates the worms
and they all come
to the surface. And that's
how you catch your bait.
Couldn't you be
electrocuting them?
Hell no.
It's just--
it's just a battery
current, that's all.
It's very mild.
- Just touch it.
Go ahead, feel it.
- Okay.
- Argh!
- Dad?
Harold! Harold,
I said, "Touch it."
I didn't say,
"Grab a hold of it like
you're milking a cow."
I guess it got a little
bit more current there
than I thought.
You probably have a yard
full of dead worms.
Well, they don't have
very far to go
to get buried.
( guffaws )
Right, Harold?
( pop song playing )
Hey. What's up?
What's up?
How much to wash my car?
I don't know. Um...
( chuckles )
Did you just move here?
Yeah, yeah, but I'm from
New York City.
- I'm impressed.
- Yeah, well, it's fresh.
Well, you want to freshen up
and tell us how
you got here?
It's kind of
a long story.
Why not?
Well, my parents
got divorced
and so we decided
to move to Pennsylvania.
( bat hits ball )
- ( fans cheering ) Go, go!
Woman:
Run, run, run, run!
( fans cheering )
What's the score?
Uh, 44 to 39.
That sounds more like
a basketball game.
Yeah.
How's the dress?
Well, I think it's time
to sh**t it and bury it.
So you sell insurance?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Did you know
that every year
at least 50 people
are fatally struck
by lightning?
No. Really?
Really, yeah,
cross my heart.
Imagine there's
some poor jerk.
He's standing out
on the golf course.
He's wondering whether
his drive is gonna go to
the right or to the left.
And all of a sudden-- bam!
He's a French fry.
( chuckles )
Kind of makes you wonder
about the point of it all.
Makes me wonder about
playing golf in the rain.
What are you gonna do
about Van Gogh?
Who?
The house painter.
Oh.
What should I do?
God, don't ask me.
I'm not a marriage
counselor.
But you're glad
you're divorced, right?
Oh, sure, yeah.
I'm having a good time.
Freedom's great--
do what I want
when I want.
Well, freedom-- see,
that's the important thing.
Freedom-- right.
Right.
Did you know that
single men live longer?
Oh.
It's a fact.
Do you want me
to kiss you?
You're standing
awfully close.
- Oh, am I?
- Mm-hmm.
No, I was just--
I just wanted to get
a good look at the game.
It's--
yes, sir.
It's a good one.
You know, I'm--
I'm married. It's--
Okay, are you--
are you married
or are you married
married?
Is there a difference?
Why don't you ask
Van Gogh?
Oh.
I guess
I'm just married.
Good.
Mm, I can't.
I can't. I can't.
I-- I--
I think we'd better
get back to that game.
Oh, what game?
Come on.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Forgive me.
I don't-- I--
- No.
I-- oh.
Uh...
I'm losing my mind,
that's all.
Susan:
It's this one with all
the animals right here,
this pickup truck
right here.
- This is good right-- yeah.
- Oh, okay.
Here, let me help you.
Well, it was
a pleasure
to meet you.
Yeah. Good luck.
Well, thanks.
Um, good luck
to you too.
- You're still here?
- Oh, don't worry,
I'm leaving.
I can see what's
going on around here.
Well, Billy and I
just needed a ride
and he came along and--
Oh, that's fine, Susan,
that's just fine.
Only I don't need to feel
guilty anymore, do I?
Guilty about what?
Why should you
feel guilty?
I mean, you're
a house painter.
- You go to Wheeling to work.
- That's right, I do.
Well, why should you
feel guilty about that?
- Van Gogh went to Tahiti.
- Van Gogh?
What the f*ck
are we talking
about Van Gogh for?
- He was an artist.
- I know that.
Well, some people talk
about artists, you know.
Some people are interested
in things besides bowling
and pickup trucks
and professional wrestling.
When did you ever
see me go bowling?
I'm not unsophisticated,
you know.
( laughing )
Oh, you are great.
- Danny.
- You are...
Danny, please don't go.
Please. Come-- Danny.
Would you like
to buy a dog?
No, thanks.
I haven't got any place
to keep him.
You could
give it to someone.
It'd make a cool gift.
- Oh, I don't--
- ( dog whining )
Tell you what:
I was gonna sell it,
but I'll give it to you
for nothing. I just want
the dog to have a good home.
( dog whining )
All right, sold.
You got it.
I got a dog.
And here...
- Here's a 20.
- Thanks.
- Yeah. Worked out
pretty good, didn't it?
- Yeah.
All right, that's my house.
I'll see you guys later.
Thanks a lot.
- Girl: Bye. Call me.
- I will.
Girl: Okay.
( horn honks )
( engine grinds )
A rental.
How are you, son?
Good to see you.
I'm great.
I'm surprised
to see you, Dad.
Hey, what are we
doing here?
Here, come on.
My gosh, you look great.
I was about to go in
and get something to eat.
Are you coming inside?
I don't know
how welcome I am
in there, David, so...
Come on.
Please?
Yeah, sure.
Why not? Let's go.
Okay.
- So how do you
like it back here?
- I like it okay, Dad.
School's easier
and so are the girls.
( laughing )
So are the girls?
Oh, isn't that nice?
Hey, Dad, watch this.
Hey, Grandma,
I'm going to McDonald's.
Can I get you anything?
Who's going
to McDonald's?
- Paul, you came back.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you must be starving.
- Mom, Mom, where's Nancy?
Have you seen Nancy?
Oh, honey, I've been
in the kitchen.
Oh, well, never mind.
Is that roast beef?
Yeah. Why don't I just
heat up the roast beef
and make some gravy
and some browned potatoes?
- No, don't go to any
trouble, Ma, really.
- Oh, honey,
I'm so happy to see you,
I'd make you a cake
if you wanted.
( laughs )
That's great.
But really, don't bother.
- Oh, it's no bother at all.
- ( rock music playing )
♪ Baby, you're mine ♪
♪ I'm the groover,
yeah... ♪
- Paul: Hi.
- Hi.
What are you watching?
Bunch of Freaks.
♪ You love to tease ♪
♪ I'm a hot dog daddy,
open your knees ♪
♪ Sex fuehrer, baby,
I'm a love dictator ♪
♪ Blitzkrieg romance,
I'm a living detonator... ♪
Yeah, but what's
the group called?
♪ Prime mover... ♪
- Bunch of Freaks. That's
the name of the group.
- Oh.
- Everyone knows them.
- I see. I see.
♪ Baby, you're mine... ♪
You ever hear
of the Beatles?
I still like them.
Yeah. Paul McCartney's
old group.
( laughs )
Yeah.
Yeah.
So you got a lot of
new friends back here
or what?
They're all dorks.
Oh. Let me tell you
something:
there are dorks
everywhere.
I'm sure you knew
a few dorks in New York.
Huh? Huh?
You know,
it's not so much
where you are,
but it's your
attitude.
Sarah, could you
turn the TV off
and talk to me,
please? Come on.
♪ Baby, you're mine ♪
♪ I'm the groover... ♪
( exhales )
Great. Thank you.
That's-- that's--
that's much better.
So what's new?
Tell me everything.
Can you give me
some money?
What, you mean pay you
to have a conversation?
Sure. Why not?
You little--
yeah, sure. Why not?
Okay, fine.
( hums a tune )
Five bucks.
Give me 20 and
I'll talk a lot more.
Let's just try five bucks'
worth first, okay?
Okay.
Sarah! Sarah, can I
see you for a minute?
Not right now.
I'm talking to Dad.
Go on, Dad.
Sarah, there used
to be $47 in my wallet.
And now it's empty.
That's terrible.
You know, you'd better
call the police.
- Let me see your purse.
- Search and seizure?
No way.
- Paul: Hey, hey, hey, come on.
- Sarah: Give it to me.
- Come on, come on.
- Stop. It's mine.
- David: Give me your purse.
- Sarah: Give it to me!
- ( all shouting )
- What's going on?
- It's mine.
- Let-- just relax. Relax.
Relax. It's all right.
Sarah took my money.
Count it.
Did you take
his money, Sarah?
Huh?
You're gonna force me
to open this.
$111.
- 47 of it is mine.
Sarah, how did you get
this much money?
Dad gave it to me.
He paid me to have
a conversation with him.
Did you, Paul?
I gave her
some money, yeah.
You paid your own daughter
$111 just to talk to you?
Sarah, if you need money,
you just have to ask.
You know that.
I gave her five bucks,
that's all.
- I hate you.
- Nancy and Paul: Sarah.
- I hate you.
Don't touch me.
- Sarah.
Don't talk to me that way.
I'm still your father.
No, you're not.
We divorced you, remember?
( door slams )
You people really know
how to drive a man crazy.
- What the hell's
going on here?
- Boomer.
The noisiest damn
bunch of people
I ever met.
- Boomer, where are you going?
- When I get there,
I'll let you know.
Boomer dear, please.
Dear, please.
I think I'll just--
I'll let her,
you know, calm down
before I go up.
Yeah.
Well, you know,
she--
she really
misses you.
( car engine starts )
Dad, Dad, Grandpa's
taking off in your car.
He's what?
Oh, for God's--
I'll be right back.
Dad, Dad.
♪ I can't think
of one reason ♪
♪ I like
the things I do ♪
♪ I take a ride
on a good feeling ♪
♪ Knowing it'll
see me through ♪
♪ Like a drive
down a dusty highway ♪
♪ After the sun's
gone down... ♪
- Your mother send you?
- She's worried about you.
30 years on that lot,
I've never missed
one day's work.
- One day of your life
in the hospital.
- That's right.
That's the g*dd*mn truth,
so nobody needs to
worry about me.
Dad, can I have
my keys back, please,
to my rental car?
Come on,
I'll school you.
Hey, Roxy, set up some shots
for me and this as*h*le
from New York.
- You gonna squeeze him, Boomer?
- Yeah, but I gotta be
gentle with him.
He's got a desk job now.
He's getting soft.
( both laugh )
Yeah, okay.
All right, fine.
And when I beat you,
you're gonna give me back
my keys, all right?
Oh, the idea is for you
not to humiliate yourself.
Yeah, well, you got
a short memory,
don't you?
Oh, yeah?
Well come on, big shot,
you first.
Quit while you got
time, you know?
This is a machine.
This isn't a g*dd*mn
typewriter.
All right, let's see
what you can do here.
- Watch this, Pop.
- Yeah, I'm watching.
Eh.
Have you started
squeezing yet?
( muttering )
Maybe if you hadn't quit
playing ball, you wouldn't
be such a p*ssy now.
You couldn't
take it, could you?
You had to quit.
Hey, Roxy, you'd
better write "p*ssy"
on this machine.
He'd win the prize.
Gah!
- You're a p*ssy.
- Yeah, well, right there.
Right there.
- You beat that.
Your turn, let's go.
- sh*t.
Like taking candy
from a baby.
Watch this.
Ha! Watch this.
- All right.
- Come on. Come on.
- No, I'll get it.
Let me get it.
- I got my own quarters.
I don't need your
godddamn quarters.
I can take care of myself.
- Right there.
- All right, watch this.
This is-- I can
beat you in my sleep.
Get an ambulance.
What a wimp.
Take vitamins.
Athlete.
- ( Boomer muttering )
- Nice try.
- He-man!
- He-man sh*t.
I always do better
than he-man.
Oh, no, we're going
the other way now.
- Looks like it's all--
- ( grunting )
Dad, it's okay.
Relax. It's all right.
You did it.
Let go. Here.
- ( machine dings )
- There. You're a champ.
You did it.
- Jeez.
- You f*cked me up!
- You were k*lling yourself.
- Bull!
You just didn't want
to lose to your old man,
that's all.
Some hot shot!
( women chattering )
Woman:
Something borrowed,
something blue.
Oh! I didn't see that.
You are terrible.
Woman:
Okay, my turn,
my turn, my turn.
Oh, there they are.
Women:
Hey, Susan.
Put your gift over there
on the table.
Hi. Nancy.
- Nancy, you gotta do a toast.
- Yes, let's go.
Another toast.
I need a drink.
I just want to say
that, in spite of rumors
to the contrary, Karen,
there is a big difference
between being married
and being in prison.
- ( women chattering )
- No, no, the difference is
- that in prison someone else
does the cooking.
- ( laughter )
My turn, my turn.
Okay, now every woman
knows that to keep
your husband happy
you have really got
to know how to cook,
and I don't mean
in the kitchen.
So I would like
to give you
these ancient
oriental secrets
- to successful sex.
- Women: Ahh.
I'm afraid
to open the box.
Woman:
You should be.
You should be.
- Look out. Look out.
- I want some of these,
whatever they are.
- Fortune cookies?
- Open one. Open one.
( women chattering,
laughing )
- Argh!
- ( laughter )
Women:
What is it?
What is it?
( women chattering,
laughing )
- Thank you, thank you.
- Everybody gets one.
Everybody gets one.
Everybody gets one.
♪ There's a lot
of nice things ♪
♪ Daddy never
told her... ♪
Well, this sure is
some party.
♪ But she needs him
sometimes ♪
♪ The promises
he made her ♪
♪ He never
got around to... ♪
Anybody want
to arm-wrestle again?
( moans )
Hey, Dad, Dad,
look what somebody left
in the back of your car.
Oh, my little
sweetheart.
Come here.
( kissing )
No, put her down here.
Put her here, man.
She'll liven up
the party.
Hi, dog.
Woof, woof, woof.
I forgot to give you
to Sarah.
Grandpa, Grandma says
you gotta get home.
It's late.
I can't go home now.
We're having a party.
This is a bachelor party.
Sit down. Sit down.
You're a bachelor.
Roxy, give us three JDs
and a Coke for the boy,
will you?
- Wait, what kind of party?
- A bachelor party.
This is what men do
the night before they
get married.
You wouldn't understand.
You're too young.
Wait a minute.
But, Dad,
you didn't have a bachelor
party the night before you
got married, did you?
No, no, I pitched
a no-hitter in Albany.
That's right,
the famous no-hitter.
How the hell
did you know that?
sh*t, it's no wonder
your marriage fell apart.
You didn't have
a bachelor party.
Well, what, may I ask,
did you do the night
before you got married?
I had a bachelor party.
Yeah, you know
what I did right after
my bachelor party?
I serenaded
your mother.
Yeah, I did.
I stood under her window
and I sang a song.
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ The stars do shine ♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ The ivy twines ♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ The skies are blue ♪
♪ And I will tell you ♪
♪ How much I love you. ♪
- That's very romantic.
- Man: Yay, Boomer.
- That was too much.
- Let's go do it, yeah.
And I did it
in my underwear.
Well, my best man
bet me I wouldn't
do it, so I did.
- There, have one of these.
- Damn, Grandpa,
I'm impressed.
- Well, you should be.
- Thank you very much.
- Here, one for you.
- Thanks.
Paul, can I ask you
a question about women?
Oh, God.
Well, I was just
wondering,
how do you know that you
love someone enough
to marry 'em?
God, that's tough.
You want me to take
this one, Dad?
You?
You're still dripping
behind your ears.
Boomer and David:
♪ Tell me why... ♪
Boomer:
♪ The ivy's blue-- ♪
♪ Twine ♪
♪ Tell me why
the skies ♪
- David: ♪ Are bright ♪
- Boomer: ♪ Are blue... ♪
Ha! Wait, boys,
here we are.
Here we are--
Boomer's Auto.
And one of these days,
Boomer's Auto
is gonna be Dave's Auto.
That's right.
You take care of
your old Granddad.
- Your old Granddad is
gonna take care of you.
- I love you too.
- That's right.
- Watch out, watch out.
'Cause your dad-- he wants
to go knocking on doors,
selling insurance.
Hey, come on, let's
go on inside.
- What are you doing?
- ( dog whining )
You got fingerprints
all over my best offer.
For God's sakes.
I clean this.
Well, step away.
Don't stand on the
g*dd*mn thing.
All right, let's go on
inside, come on.
- Hey, you coming in?
- What? Yeah, I'm coming in.
Yeah, well, bring
your girlfriend.
You can't hold onto
your wife. Maybe you
can hold onto a dog.
( both laughing loudly )
Get off the car.
All right, let's go on in.
Now you think you've seen
everything. I got something
to show you.
Wait till you see this.
You ready?
- Yeah.
- All right.
( alarm ringing )
David and Doug:
Wow.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- ( all chattering )
It's a brand-new...
How do you turn off
the alarm?
It's some kind of code.
I never remember it.
- It's a beauty. Does it run?
- Yes, like a rocket
on wheels.
Hey, get your
hands off it, will you?
Nobody touch this car.
- What do you think?
- It's gorgeous.
Well, you might even get
to drive it if you treat
my little girl right.
- All right, everybody, hop in.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I'm the only one who's
sober here, so I should be
the designated driver.
- What?
- The designated driver.
Hey, how long has he
had his license?
- Four weeks.
- It's seven weeks, Dad.
- Seven weeks.
- Well, you'd better know
what the hell you're doing.
- That's all I can say.
- I'm a good driver.
You'd better get--
hey, what are you--?
God damn it, you
don't belong up here.
You get back there.
- Get in the back.
Get in the back.
- Get in the back.
- You don't belong up here.
All right.
- Jesus.
All right, let's go.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I'm in the balcony
back here.
Get up here.
You don't belong
back there.
Come on, hurry up.
- Be careful.
God damn it, all right.
- I'm all right.
- Wait, wait.
- Oh, God.
- ( horn honks )
- Oh, horn works.
- Watch the dash.
- You don't belong.
You stay back there.
- Give me the dog.
Give me the dog.
- All right.
- Give me the dog.
- Everybody stay calm
and I'll figure this out.
- ( tires screech )
- Boomer: Oh my God,
what are you doing?
- Paul: Get off the brake!
- Boomer: Oh my God Almighty.
- ( Paul shouting )
- Boomer: Hey! For God's sake,
don't go so fast.
We're not in any hurry.
- ( all chattering )
- ( thunder crashing )
( men singing )
♪ Let me hear you
whisper ♪
♪ That you
love me too... ♪
Boomer:
Come on, start again.
♪ Let me call you
sweetheart... ♪
- Boomer: All right, hurry up.
- ♪ I'm in love with you... ♪
( women laughing,
chattering )
- Karen: Oh, no. Oh.
- ( women shouting, clapping )
♪ Let me hear you
whisper ♪
♪ That you ♪
♪ Love me too ♪
♪ Keep the home light
burning... ♪
I couldn't believe it, Ruth.
Boomer here and his BVDs
doing "Pagliacci."
I should have locked him up,
but because of the wedding,
you know what? I figured,
what the hell.
- Thank you.
I appreciate it.
- Thanks, Harry.
Let's get you all
to bed now.
Hey, don't forget
to turn off my alarm.
- Jerry: All right, Boomer.
- Shh, all of you, come on.
Go to bed now. Shh.
- Doug: Hi, Karen.
- You'll get your haircut
in the morning.
( men singing, laughing )
Ruth:
Shh. Quiet.
Sarah's sleeping.
Shh, shh, shh.
( car drives off )
If you're only
gonna see the kids
a few times a year,
I would think you'd find
something better to do
with them
besides getting
arrested.
( dog whining )
Oh, here.
I have this.
It's a present
for Sarah.
Um, just say goodbye
to her for me.
You are pathetic.
What?
( door opens )
I'm going to bed.
Come on up.
Just what do you think
you're doing?
Well, I'd like
to spend the night
with my ex-wife.
- What?
- Just to show her that I'm
still crazy about her.
- Come on.
- You are not going
up there.
- Yes, I am.
- Paul, you are not
going--
- Take the coat.
You want the coat?
- You are not going--
Paul, you are not
going up there,
I'm telling you.
( both shouting )
- That still ticklish?
- No. ( laughing )
Paul, don't.
- Come on, let go.
- You are so ornery.
( both chattering,
laughing )
- ( screams )
- Oh.
- Sarah honey, I'm sorry.
- Gross.
- Honey, are you all right?
- Honey, Sarah.
Is this a nightmare
or what? Ugh!
- Sarah.
- ( door slams )
I'll talk to her
tomorrow.
Oh, God, this feels--
this feels so good.
Jesus, I can't tell you
the last time I slept.
Christmas.
Oh, I was so depressed.
I took three pills
and passed out.
Woke up just in time
for the Rose Bowl.
( both chuckle )
I thought of you
on Christmas.
- You did?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, that's nice.
The first one
we spent apart
in, what, 20 years?
I don't know.
Oh.
Did it hurt
when I slapped you?
No. No, no.
I'm getting used to it.
- Oh, sometimes you make me
so crazy. You know that.
- Come here.
( both laugh )
I guess that's why
you divorced me.
No, no, no, no.
I think it's why
I married you.
Oh, I see.
- Oh, God.
- Do you remember
the first time we did this?
- It was here in this room.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I remember.
There was nobody home.
It was just you and me
and your little
majorette uniform.
Oh, God, Paul.
Oh, I remember
those tights
- and the ruffled skirt.
- You'd just played a game.
- Yes, I did.
It was Franklin Township.
- Franklin Township.
- I did a one-hit.
- You didn't shower
after the game.
- I had never seen
a jockstrap before.
- Oh.
- Oh, Nancy.
- You feel so good.
So do you.
Oh, you smell
so good.
Oh, you're still
wearing Aramis.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, Paul.
You've still got
the cute little
Midwestern accent.
And your mouth--
oh, your mouth.
God, I've always
loved this mouth.
- I love your chest.
- Oh, God.
Paul, take off
your shirt.
( chuckles )
Oh. Oh, it's
still there.
Yeah, you darn right
it is, baby.
God, you've got
beautiful eyes.
You've got
the sexiest mouth
I've ever seen.
I love your lips.
I love
your hair.
Oh, God,
I love your neck.
Oh, God, I love
this neck.
- Paul.
- What is that? What?
- Do you know who
you're saying this to?
- What?
- What kind of a question
is that? What do you mean?
- Come on, Paul.
- What are you talking about?
- You know what I'm
talking about.
No, I don't have
the slightest idea
what you're talking--
- The women, Paul.
- Oh, fine. Fine.
God.
Okay.
Let's see. I think
we've done this before.
Uh, I didn't make mist--
I made some mistakes.
I didn't plan it.
It just happened.
Now are we gonna beat
this thing to death
or what?
It just happened?
I'm sorry
I robbed the bank.
It just happened.
I'm sorry I sold
your child drugs.
It just happened.
Oh, Paul, you want
to be 18 forever
with the cheerleaders
chasing you behind the
bleachers for a quickie.
Train wrecks
just happen, Paul,
but nobody forced you
into somebody else's bed.
You had a choice
and you let your d*ck
think for you.
Come on, give me a b--
it is not that simple.
Oh, it is to me.
I loved you.
And I never
betrayed you.
I loved you.
You just--
you just
screwed it up.
I always thought that
we were gonna
grow old together.
But you just
threw it away.
And I hate you
for doing that.
I don't know
if I hate you
more than I love you,
but I know that
I hate you enough
that I could never
live with you again.
( mutters )
Um, maybe if we'd--
we'd tried, you know,
instead of bringing in
the lawyers,
maybe if--
maybe if you'd hit me
on the head then
like you did
just now, I'd--
maybe, I don't know,
you know--
oh, God,
maybe, maybe, maybe.
Now you want me
to share in the blame.
I can't.
Yeah.
Nancy.
Nancy, if it means
anything to you,
you were the only woman
I ever really loved...
even if I didn't
know it at the time.
( whining )
Good night, sweetheart.
Damn, I haven't seen
a pour like this
in 30 years.
( thunder crashing )
I know it would be
like this.
I dreamt it would
be like this.
It's only
a little sprinkle.
It'll be over soon.
You look beautiful,
Karen.
Doug will be
so proud of you.
( car horn honks )
Please don't
honk the horn, dear.
We're at church now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tuck in your head.
Run like hell.
All right, be careful.
Don't fall.
I'll hold
the umbrella.
This is a bad sign,
a very bad sign.
Nancy:
Be careful.
Watch the puddle.
I'm stuck! I'm stuck!
Karen, are you okay?
Grandma?
( thunder crashing )
( all screaming )
( car horn honks )
( organ music playing )
( thunder crashing )
What are you doing
out here?
Somebody I know
is getting married.
What are you doing out here?
Get in.
What's going on?
You're gonna have to
give Karen away.
I can't do it.
I'm sick.
Tell her I'm sick.
Oh, Jesus.
I just can't,
not like this.
Not sober, you mean?
What are you doing?
- Come on, come on.
- No, I'm not getting out.
- Come on.
- ( horn honks )
No, I'm not--
God damn it.
God damn.
( thunder crashing )
The minister's
gonna ask--
gonna ask,
"Who gives this woman?"
They told me to say,
"Her mother and her father,"
just like that.
"Her mother
and her father."
Don't f*ck it up.
Yeah.
Hey, Paul, wait.
Just tell Karen
that I--
tell her--
well, you'll think
of something.
( organ music playing )
Karen, darl--
Karen, let me--
Karen, please, darling.
Please, darling,
everybody's out here.
They look so beautiful.
The organist is waiting
to start, the minister
and everybody.
Please, honey.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi. How are you?
- You stayed.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, look, you took care
of the dress.
- Well, kind of.
- Yeah.
- They're not real.
- Oh, I see.
- I mean, the--
- Oh, it's fine.
You know,
it wasn't Van Gogh
who went to Tahiti.
It was Gauguin.
I looked it up
in the Britannica.
I stand corrected.
- Paul, Paul, could you come
talk to your sister?
- Yeah.
She won't come out.
Everybody's waiting.
Excuse me
just a second.
Karen, please, dear,
won't you--
won't you let your brother
in to talk to you?
Please, darling.
- Mom, come on. Ma.
- Oh, sorry.
Open up, sis.
Thank you.
Oh my God,
you look great.
- You're here.
- Oh.
- You're wet.
- Yeah, I know that.
Look...
- Oh.
- I'm giving you away.
Dad's not--
he's not gonna be
able to do it.
So I tell you what:
if you're ready to walk
down that aisle, so am I.
- Is he sick?
- Not exactly, no.
Oh, it doesn't
matter,
because I am not
leaving this room.
All right, what's wrong?
Don't you love the guy?
No.
Yes. I don't know.
I mean,
I thought I did,
parts of him anyway.
I mean, I'm perfectly
satisfied
with at least
70% of Doug.
But then when I'm with him,
all I think about is
the other 30%.
But then when
I'm with someone else,
all I think about
is Doug's 70%.
I am so confused.
Oh, honey.
Paul, what if there's
someone out there
who's 100%
right for me,
someone who won't
pick his teeth,
who won't make up
sickening nicknames for us
when we fool around.
- What?
- He does.
He calls me Boopsy.
"Come here, Boopsy,
and give Bippy a kiss."
Bipsy? Boopsy?
Paul, what am I doing?
- Well, honey,
if you feel that way...
- I'm not that old.
Maybe I should keep
looking for my 100%.
Well, maybe you should.
Yeah, but Doug's not gonna
wait around forever.
And let's say
I never find my 100%.
I go through
man after man,
a 50-percenter,
an 80, a 75.
And finally
I am old,
really old,
and I'm lonely.
So I have to settle
for whatever comes next.
And you know what?
He's not a 90.
He's not an 80.
He's not even a 70
like Doug.
He's only a 60.
So I've thrown away
Doug's 70%
for his 60%,
and there I am,
10% short.
What am I gonna do?
Karen, honey, listen.
Why should I?
You're divorced.
That's true.
There's still time.
I could sneak out
the back door.
Karen, look,
all right,
you say you love
the guy, right?
And as far as I can tell,
he's in love with you.
Now that doesn't
guarantee a thing.
But it's a start.
So...
What?
- Right now?
- Yeah.
Okay, okay, okay.
Who giveth this--
who giveth this woman?
( organ music playing )
- Paul.
- Hmm?
I'm pregnant.
Well, you still have
time to sneak out
the back door.
No, I'm gonna marry
that cute guy
standing up there,
waiting for me.
Good.
You may be seated.
Welcome.
We are gathered
here today
to witness the union
of two of God's
young people
in the holy state
of marriage,
revered and honored
in the sight of God
and of the world.
- It is therefore not to be
entered into unadvisedly...
- ( muttering )
...but discreetly,
reverently and in
the fear of God.
Okay, hold it
for one more.
Just a minute.
One, two...
Great. Now can we get
the bridal party,
please--
bridesmaids, groomsmen?
The reception doesn't
start for an hour.
A whole hour.
God, you know
what I'd like to do?
What?
I'd like to go somewhere
and take a nice,
hot shower.
Have you ever been
to the No-Tell Motel?
Single or double?
- Double.
- Double.
Your best.
Do you have hot tubs?
No, just Magic
Fingers.
Oh. They don't have
hot tubs.
That's-- we'll manage.
- Miriam, look who's here.
- Oh.
Well, hello.
We decided to check out
before the reception.
You staying here too?
Yeah. We're just--
no, we're visiting
a friend.
Sign right here, sir.
( chuckles )
Should we both sign?
- No. No, I'll sign.
- I want to pay
for my half.
- Are the rooms nice?
- Oh, lovely.
Did you try
the Magic Fingers?
( laughing )
Oh, that's good.
Well, um,
gotta go visit
our friend now.
Yeah.
Sure.
Oh.
Oh, it's just like
I pictured it.
Looks pretty standard
to me.
Oh, look,
a mini refrigerator.
Oh, it has beer
and nuts.
Um...
oh, look,
a fireplace.
Maybe we could
build a fire.
We won't need
a fire.
No. Well, no,
I guess not.
Oh, we won't need...
( laughs )
Uh, the paintings in here
are beautiful.
Uh, that's a leopard,
isn't it?
Uh, a leopard,
yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I think it's--
oh, here's
the Magic Fingers.
It's 25 cents
for 20 minutes.
( mutters )
There's a TV.
I love TV.
It's-- I watch
a lot of TV.
- Really?
- Well, not
a whole lot, no.
I watch a lot of TV too.
What's your favorite show?
- Well, I watch the soaps.
- Oh.
I know it's
kind of corny,
but I really think
they do good acting
on so--
I mean,
they really cry.
And they laugh.
But I don't watch it
all the ti--
oh, we're going
over here? Okay.
( both muttering,
giggling )
You know, lately
I've been feeling
- like I've been
losing my mind...
- Oh, really?
...and just
so confused, yeah.
And I think
I have figured
everything out,
um, with your help.
Oh, good.
I'm glad I could help.
I mean, why should Danny
have all the fun?
- Oh, he shouldn't.
- No.
I mean, I-- I--
I'm not losing my mind.
I'm just--
( gasps )
I'm just afraid of being
struck by lightning
and just--
( chuckles )
I just--
You know, I haven't had
anything fun
or-- or-- or new or--
or sexy or--
or exciting
in my life
in such a long time.
Oh, and you are it.
Oh.
I am voting
for you.
I love the way you look.
I love your cheekbones.
You've got
great bone structure.
It reminds me of the Indians.
And I've always been
a big fan of the Indians.
Kemosabe.
- I love your lips.
- Thank you.
I love your chin.
Oh, thank you.
( moaning )
God, you've got
a beautiful--
What? I have
a beautiful what?
Neck.
Really?
( laughing )
Well, I've never paid
much attention.
How can a neck be
beautiful?
It's just-- it just
holds the head.
I can't do this, Susan.
- What?
- I can't do this,
I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
What's wrong?
We can't do it,
that's all.
You can't do it.
I can't do it.
I'd love to do it,
but we can't do it.
Yes, we can.
We have plenty of time.
Danny's in Wheeling.
The room is paid for.
Do you want a beer?
What? No, no.
Was it something
I said?
Was I talking
too much?
- No.
- Well, what is
wrong then?
I like it too much,
that's what's wrong.
You're not gonna
make love to me
because you like me?
That's right.
You got it.
Wait a minute.
You said that it
could be exciting
- when two strangers met--
Well, we're not strangers.
Yes, we are.
We hardly know
each other.
We live in different
states, for Chrissake.
You said yesterday
that it would be fun.
I lied, all right?
I lied. It's what I've said
to every woman I've ever met.
I fall into it.
It's my little rap.
I go into it. They buy it.
You bought it. Now you're
just like one of them.
Now doesn't that disgust you?
Doesn't that make you sick?
No. Well, it's--
Well, I make myself sick.
I make me sick.
I'll wait in the car.
No, you just
wait a minute!
Now...
this isn't fair.
I mean, how many times
do you think I've been
in a motel room
with a naked man
in my underwear?
Oh, I don't know.
Probably never.
Three:
my wedding night,
on vacation last summer
with Danny
and after graduation
with--
with a kid
who didn't know
any more about
what we were doing
than I did.
Right, so now you think
you got an expert?
Don't I?
I want to get
to the reception.
( mumbles )
"You're beautiful.
You're charming.
You have
a beautiful neck."
What is
going on here?
Fine. You want it?
You want it?
You got it.
No problem.
We'll do it.
You got it. No problem.
Do you want the lights
on or off?
On or off? On or off?
On or off?
- Off.
- Off. Fine.
You got it. Off.
Telephone-- nobody's
gonna call us,
uninterrupted,
just you and me,
just a couple of strangers.
This is the fun part.
This is good.
- This is fun.
This is exciting.
- Oh, Paul.
- This is great.
This is what we want.
- Oh, please.
No, it's fun. It's fun.
It's exciting.
- It's great. Come on.
- ( sobbing )
Oh, Jesus God.
Do you know--
do you know
who you've got here
in your motel room
on your big date?
Do you know?
- You.
- No, you don't.
You got yourself
a 37-year-old guy
who's got an empty
three-bedroom apartment
in New York City.
I live there alone.
Um, yes, yes, I do.
I sell insurance.
That's right.
It's a job I can't stand,
but it affords me
the luxury
of being able to pay
for my wife and kids
to live
in another state.
And a wife--
yes, I had a wife.
I had a great wife.
I don't have her anymore.
I blew that.
I had a little problem
coming home at night.
She got tired of it.
Can't imagine why.
And I got kids.
I have two kids.
I have a son
who understands me
and a daughter
who doesn't.
And the jury's still out
on whether she ever will.
That's me.
That's Paul Weaver.
That's the guy
that you want to have
your big fling with.
Oh, God.
God, Susan,
you are beautiful.
And you are charming.
And nobody should
make you cry,
not Van Gogh,
and especially not me.
You're right.
You know, we probably
wouldn't even be here
if-- if I just had
a friend to talk to.
Well...
Hello. My name's
Paul Weaver.
How do you do?
How do you do?
- ( dance music playing )
- ( people chattering )
Ready? One, two...
- Great shot.
- Thanks.
- How are we doing
with lasagna?
- That's it.
Huh? That's it?
Oh my God,
I told the caterers
we did need the chicken.
I told the ca--
oh, you'll love the ham.
It's delicious.
( song ends )
And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for what we call
"the bride's polka dance."
The bride's cute
little niece has volunteered
to take donations, folks,
so please be generous,
'cause Karen and Dough
are planning
on a down payment
for a condominium.
( laughter )
Ready?
One, two, three...
( polka playing )
Karen! Oh!
Oh!
You don't think
Karen would want
to see me, do you,
after this afternoon?
No, forget it.
Come with me.
Come on.
( slow music playing )
I've been waiting all night
to dance with you, Daddy.
Me too, honey.
Sweetheart,
I'm sorry I wasn't there
to give you away.
It's just very hard.
You look beautiful.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
Thanks for everything.
I don't know if you remember
Dorn, but he's a very good
friend of Karen's.
- Hello.
Good to see you again.
- She was about this tall.
Excuse me,
have you seen Sarah?
I want to dance with her.
That sounds like
a very good idea.
Did you check
the pool room?
- Yeah, I was just there.
- I'll go take a look.
- Wait a minute.
- David, the last time I
saw her, she was outside.
- Outside? What was she--?
- I don't know.
Honey, I can't take you
down to the bus station.
- Why?
- It's late. You should be
at home in bed.
But look, come on.
I can pay, see?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- And there's a lot more
in here, see?
- Put that away.
- There's a lot more, see?
- Hey, hon, I got an idea.
- Look. Come on.
Why don't you go back
over to the party
- and find your folks, huh?
- No, I can't.
There she is,
right over there.
Sarah!
- Come on.
- Sarah.
Hey, hey.
I'll get her.
Sarah!
Sarah!
Sarah, wait.
- Can I help you?
- No, no, just looking.
Hey, have you
seen a little girl?
She's got blond hair.
Yes, she just came in.
She went over there.
- Where?
- She's got to be in here.
She just came in.
- Sarah. Sarah.
Sarah, come on.
Wait a minute.
Sarah.
- What, are you nuts?
- How do I get to New York?
I don't know.
- Do you f*cking mind?
- How do I get to
the turnpike?
I just want to get off
to New York City,
the turnpike.
I don't know how you
get to the turnpike.
Sarah!
Come on.
Honey, stop running.
Sarah!
Sarah, come on.
Come on, honey.
Slow down.
I'm getting--
I'm getting too t--
come on.
God.
( panting )
Oh, God.
Ow. God damn it.
- Oh, Jesus. f*ck.
It's my chest.
- Dad, are you okay?
I think I'm having
a heart attack.
Oh, Jeez. Oh.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God, honey,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything.
I didn't--
I can't believe this.
I can't believe this is
happening.
I planned--
I just--
I was gonna--
I was gonna ask you
to live with me.
Live with you?
Yeah, I was gonna ask you
to live with me
in New York.
But now--
ow, ow, ow, ow.
- God damn it.
- Daddy, please don't die.
- Oh, God.
- No.
Oh. Oh. Okay.
Help me up.
Help me up.
- Okay, let's go.
- You lied!
- Well, honey, I'm sorry.
I couldn't run anymore.
- You liar. Yes, you did.
- Why did you lie?
- Look, I didn't mean
to lie to you.
And I hate myself
for doing it. Will you
forgive me, honey, please?
( all cheering )
Bye. Bye. Bye.
( horn honks )
( slow music playing )
Do you want
to get rid of me?
Oh, you know better
than that.
Blow your nose.
We could try
for the winter.
He needs someone.
So how did I
get elected?
It's a volunteer
position.
Look, I'm not
forcing you.
You do what you think
is best.
- Dad.
- Yeah?
Do you still have
our old apartment?
Yeah, I do.
Well, if--
if I came back
with you,
could I have
David's old room?
Sure.
Could I paint it
purple?
You could even paint
my room purple.
Uh, you want
to dance?
- Sure.
- Good.
- Dad.
- Yeah?
Are you crying?
No, no,
of course not.
Sarah:
So what's the deal
with you and Mom?
Are we going to spend
Christmas together?
Paul:
I wouldn't bet against it.
Hey, this is gonna be great.
I'm gonna pick you up
after school, take you
to restaurants,
- the Yankee Stadium...
- Dad.
- ...ride the subway
train out to--
- Dad.
- What?
- Don't you think
you're overcompensating?
Paul:
Oh, yes, I am.
♪ So you think
you're a Romeo ♪
♪ Playing a part
in a picture show ♪
♪ Well, take the long
way home ♪
♪ Take the long way home ♪
♪ 'Cause you're the joke
of the neighborhood ♪
♪ Why should you care
if you're feeling good? ♪
♪ Well, take the long
way home ♪
♪ Take the long way home ♪
♪ But there are times
that you feel ♪
♪ You're part of
the scenery ♪
♪ All the greenery ♪
♪ Is coming down, boy ♪
♪ And then your wife
seems to think ♪
♪ You're part of
the furniture ♪
♪ Oh, it's peculiar ♪
♪ She used to be ♪
♪ So nice ♪
♪ When lonely days
turn to lonely nights ♪
♪ You take a trip
to the city lights ♪
♪ And take the long
way home ♪
♪ Take the long way home ♪
♪ You never see
what you want to see ♪
♪ Forever playing
to the gallery ♪
♪ You take the long
way home ♪
♪ Take the long way home ♪
♪ And when you're up
on the stage ♪
♪ It's so unbelievable ♪
♪ Unforgettable ♪
♪ How they adore you ♪
♪ But then your wife
seems to think ♪
♪ You're losing
your sanity ♪
♪ Oh, calamity ♪
♪ Is there no way out? ♪
♪ Oh, yes ♪
♪ Does it feel
that your life's become ♪
♪ A catastrophe? ♪
♪ Oh, it has to be ♪
♪ For you to grow, boy ♪
♪ When you look
through the years ♪
♪ And see what you
could have been ♪
♪ Oh, what you might
have been ♪
♪ If you had had ♪
♪ More time ♪
♪ So when the day comes
to settle down ♪
♪ Who's to blame
if you're not around? ♪
♪ You took the long
way home ♪
♪ You took
the long way home ♪
♪ You took the long way home,
do it again ♪
♪ You took
the long way home ♪
♪ You took the long
way home, so long ♪
♪ You took
the long way home ♪
♪ You took the long
way home, oh, yes ♪
♪ You took
the long way home... ♪
♪ A long way home ♪
♪ A long way home ♪
♪ A long way home. ♪
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Love Hurts (1990)
Watch on Amazon Merchandise Collectables
Valentine's Day, Hot, Steamy, Sexy, Romantic Movie Collection.
Valentine's Day, Hot, Steamy, Sexy, Romantic Movie Collection.