Love Happens (2009)

[bunniefuu]

Chapter one.

Sometimes,
despite your best efforts otherwise,

life will give you lemons.

When that happens,
you've got two choices, friend.

You can wear a sour face
or make lemonade.

I never should have booked this city.

Come on, come on, come on.

Finally!

Huh?

- What, did you swim here?
- Might as well have.

This is exactly why I tell you
you gotta fly in the night before.

- The less time I spend in this city, the better.
- I know, I know, I know.

But you'll be enthused to know
that I reamed customer service.

Your bag is gonna be on the very next flight.

But have no fear.

There is a brand-new suit
waiting for you right here.

Where'd you conjure this up from?

Well, rainmakers make rain...

- Room key.
- Voilà.

There's a gorgeous latte-coloured silk tie
in there.

- I think you're gonna love it. It's subtle...
- Latte?

Okay, there's a red one in there, too. Okay?

Can you please just look your best?
Please, okay?

Listen, all three Unicom suits
will fly in from New York

day after tomorrow to see
if we can make a deal.

All three of them?

I'm Lane goddamned Marshall.

Burke, for once in your life
can you please take the elevator?

See you.

Coming to the seminar? Okay.

Okay. Big day. Big day.

And don't forget
the DVDs and audio books

available for purchase all through the week

at our booth down the hall.

And now, without further ado,

the author of the bestseller
A Path Through Grief, my friend...

no, my inspiration, Burke Ryan.

All right!

Thanks, Lane. Wow!

Whoo!

You guys make a guy feel good.

I'm feeling okay. How are you?

A-Okay!

Good.
Let me ask you a question.

Any football fans in the house?

A certain college team, not too long ago,
lost their season opener.

They're going nowhere fast.

Then something happened. Thank you.

An event that changed everything
for their coach.

The guy started sleeping at the office,
reinvented the playbook, studied film.

He was on the case 24-7.

They went on to win
the national championship.

Well, after all the fanfare and the champagne,
he traipsed on home,

went upstairs, went to his closet

and removed his
Browning double-barrelled shotgun,

put it to his chin and pulled the trigger.

See, the event that changed it all
back at the beginning of the season?

His brother, his best friend in the world,
died of a heart attack.

You might be able to get back on the horse,
do great things.

Hell, you might even
win a national championship.

But if you don't pay the piper,
he will come calling.

I want to thank each and every one of you

for having the courage
to really feel the loss of loved ones.

I know it's not easy.

I've been there.

How are you? You okay?

A-Okay!

Good. All right. Say it one more time.
How are you?

A-Okay!

All right. I'll see you in workshop.

Perfect. Perfect.

Good. Good. Great.

Come on, loosen up a little bit.
You need a drink?

Maybe you need a drink. Waiter!

Please, no drink. Chapter 12.

"Alcohol's no more a cure-all
than a Band-Aid on a b*llet wound."

All right. Now flash me that sign of yours.

Great. Give me that.

Great. So, tell me, what motivated the book?

Uh, my wife died.

I know.

Why tell the whole world about it?

It was a way to coach myself
how to get through it.

You know, I never intended
for anyone to actually read it,

but my manager gave it to a publisher
and here I am.

Yes, you are. What happened?

Uh...

She was driving us to dinner.

Dog in the middle of the road.

Car swerved into a pole.

She died instantly.

- It must have been awful. I'm sorry.
- Appreciate it.

Well, I think I got what I needed.

Great! Fantastic. Nice to meet you, Jessica.

Nice to meet you.

- You take care.
- Thanks.

This way, guys. Follow Burke.

All right, everybody.

Those of you who signed up for the
morning work group, you're in for a treat.

Let's go! Let's go!
Come out in the middle here. Excuse us.

Thank you. Excuse us for a second.

Sorry. Come on out here.

Come on, everybody out.

I want you to take a moment and look around
and tell me what you see and what you hear.

Okay? All right.

Okay.

- Lorraine.
- Cars. Honking cars.

- Good. Natalie?
- Jackhammers.

- Anybody else?
- Stoplights.

- Stoplights.
- Cement.

- A homeless person.
- Trash.

- Middle fingers.
- Good. Excellent.

Now, remember that and follow me.

All right.
Now what do you see? Lorraine?

The ocean.

- Good.
- Trees.

- The Space Needle.
- Skyscrapers.

Mount Rainier.

- Rivers.
- Beautiful rivers.

- The sun.
- Good.

Naked hot-tubber.

Wow. Little bit different up here, isn't it?

And yet, it's the same.

We haven't gone anywhere.

We're just looking at things
from a new perspective.

Inside of each of you, there are sirens,
honking horns and gridlock,

but there's also this.

We just have to do the work

and climb the stairs to find it.

You have the reporter at noon
and I think you're gonna like her a lot.

Look, I don't really give a rat's a*s
what your cancellation policy is.

I am leaving and I want my money back.

- Sir, it's not that simple.
- I'll be right back.

Our cancellation policy clearly...

Hi. Becky?
What seems to be the trouble here?

Mr Ryan,
this gentleman is refusing to adhere...

Thank you. Hi. I'm Burke.

- You are?
- Walter Mayfield.

- Walter. Where you from?
- Billings.

- Drove out from Billings.
- Montana.

- That's quite a drive.
- Yeah.

Look, I don't think this thing is for me, okay?

Okay. You mind if I ask why?

Well, frankly,
my sister talked me into it, and the...

You know, the whole... And the feelings...

I understand. I understand.

Can I ask you, why did your sister think it
was so important for you to come here?

My son.

- And what's his name?
- Stephen.

- And when did he...
- Does it really matter?

It matters to me, Walter. I'd like to hear.

Do you have a picture?

I'm sorry.

Walter, I know how you feel. I've been there.

My wife died. Three years ago.

I want you to know
that you've taken the first step

just by walking through these doors,
and something inside you,

whether you know it or not,
made you drive all this way.

If you want to leave,
we'll honour your request.

I hope you don't.

Thanks, Becky. Think about it.

Chapter two.
Happiness is a state of mind

and, like all things, it takes practice.

Devote five minutes a day to smiling,
just smiling,

and after a while it'll come naturally.

Sorry. I didn't mean to...

Hey, you forgot your pen!

Quidnunc? Quidnunc?

What can I get you?

I would like another Seven-and-Seven,
and a tomato juice

- for my virtuous friend here.
- Tomato juice.

Thank you.

So, as far as Unicom knows,

I'm a hair away from signing a deal
with Time Warner. Okay?

I'm expecting the offer
by lunchtime tomorrow.

That means TV, radio, publishing. All of it.

Are you as hot for me right now
as I am hot for me right now?

- So hot.
- And check it.

Ted Vernon, the CEO himself, is gonna fly in
for the end of the seminar.

My guess,
a little warm and fuzzy contract-inking party.

Who knows?

- Your drinks, gentlemen.
- Thank you.

It's a long way from booking you gigs

writing columns for Psychology Today, huh?

I'll get you a Learjet.

- You like Learjets?
- Lane.

Come on. You know that's not why I wrote it.

You do know that you're helping people,
right, man?

This is your moment.

You have to give yourself permission
to enjoy it, brother.

Come on, man. Live a little.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

What?

You're right.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Hi. Do you remember me?
From the hallway upstairs?

You dropped your pen.

Um...

Would you like to have a cup of coffee?

Ah.

Right.

Well, we could bring him along if you want.
Double your pleasure.

I'm sorry. I... I... You...

- See you, Ricky.
- Later, Eloise.

- Hey, baby. What's this?
- Delivery.

- Wow.
- I was in the neighbourhood,

so I figured I'd bring you lunch
'cause I knew you'd be working so hard.

- Wow, you didn't have to do that.
- Polished up, ready to go.

- Hey, Eloise.
- Hi, Ian.

- How's your boss treating you today?
- Oh, he's all right.

The lead singer of the Stereo Kings
trashed his Les Paul.

Look at that fretboard, man. As good as new.

- Make sure he signs for it.
- No problem.

Did you have company?

Yeah. I told you,
Frank and I were working last night.

Frank wears lipstick?

Hey, listen. El, it's not what you think.
It's business. Totally platonic.

You know what?
You used that one last time.

No, she's got ties to Sony. Hey!

Listen to me. You gotta listen to me. Eloise!

I don't want to hear it.

- How you doing today?
- Pretty good, thanks.

All right. Okay.

- What's your name?
- Alberto.

- See you at workshop, okay? Goodbye.
- Mr Ryan.

You are something. Yes, sir.

Say, would you mind signing that
to "Donald and Shirley", please?

There you go.

- Say, do you mind if I share?
- Share?

Yeah. See, there's this fellow in his 60s

and he thinks he's just gonna, you know,
sail through his retirement.

But then one day,
three years and 13 days ago,

his daughter dies.

And the truth is
he hasn't been doing very well.

He doesn't sleep much,
and he and his wife, well...

You can understand.

But his daughter's husband,

well, he doesn't seem to be having
any of these kinds of problems. No.

She was crushed to death in a car crash,
but he, well...

He's making lemonade out of lemons.
Isn't that how it goes?

When are you gonna stop lying, son?

Hypocrite.

Burke, I am so sorry.

- God. The ba*ls on him!
- I'm fine.

- Who does he think he is?
- Her father.

Even so, way over the line.

Forget that. You know what?
She'd be proud of you.

All right, you're pissed off at me.

A thousand times you said no to Seattle,
but I wouldn't listen.

You gotta be pissed off at me.

I'm fine.

Burke?

So, take a good look
at them, mister. A little preview of tonight.

I know how you love the high heels.

I'll see you tonight at 8:00. Standing tall.

Big kiss.

Love you.

"So, my a*s
don't fit no Cosmo cover.

"You think I can't be some hot animal lover?

"You scared of my cerebral cortex?
That I'm Gloria's fish, chromosome X?

"Or maybe you're just afraid
of my battery-operated sex."

What do you think?

- Hello.
- There's something wrong with that girl.

She said she wanted to hear it.

Marty. Slam poetry, coffee house.

- My shop, work. Please.
- Yes, ma'am.

Are there any new receivables?

Just that birthday arrangement
I told you about.

Right. Great.

Marty, you did not cauterise the stems.

Oh.

I was just about to.

You know what? Here's what happens.

The sap pollutes the water
and then they die twice as fast.

I know, I know, I know, I know.
I'll get it. I promise.

I don't understand this.
We have roses, we have all of these.

I mean, come on.
These are flowers living out of water.

Are you all right?

Look, I just had a really...
I've had a really bad couple of days, okay?

- Would you like to talk to me about it?
- No, I don't.

Because you weren't this mad
the last time I forgot to cauterise.

Tyler.

And some groupie.

- Again?
- Yeah.

- No. No!
- I know. It's crazy.

I can't believe it.

God, you know what? No, I can believe it.
I can totally believe it.

Excuse me. What does that mean?
What does that mean?

It's so clear to me.

Oh.

It means that you manage to choose guys
that guarantee that at some point

we are going to be standing here
having this same conversation again.

And you're gonna be shocked
at the outcome of the relationship again.

But most of all,

I just hate seeing you get so disappointed
and hurt every single time.

- Am I being too harsh?
- Yes. No.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna...

- Cauterise.
- Yeah.

It was because they were feeling
pain and resentment.

I want you to re-read Chapter 12, okay?

The cigarettes are more than just a habit.
They're a denial mechanism.

Oh.

Okay?

- "Mental health begins with..."
- "Physical health." Okay.

And how you always say
it's important to remember the person,

how they lived, not how they died?

Well, my husband loved
my oatmeal-raisin cookies so much.

So, I took his ashes and...

Meet my Stanley.

Don't those look delicious?

I'll see you in workshop.

Oh, thank him.

...event next week in the Junior Ballroom.

But then Julie was wondering
if we could get the side...

- Excuse me.
- ...arrangements. Excuse...

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, there's been a healing.

You like making a fool of people,
pretending to be Helen Keller?

Uh, well, technically, she was blind also, so...

Okay. Will you excuse us for a second?

Thank you.

See, I happen to know
a thing or two about people.

You get approached a lot.

Probably have since the day
you strapped on your first training bra.

But you're smart and you're creative
and you're caring and deep.

But how come the guys
only see the package it comes in?

Sure, you're flattered,
but ultimately, ultimately, it's tiresome

because it has nothing to do with you.
You were born that way.

You can't take credit for it.
Your insides, though, that's yours.

That's what you want someone to truly see,
even a stranger.

Ergo, you fake a handicap

rather than deign to have a conversation
with a fellow human being.

You prefer sign language? Fine.

Smooth. Real smooth.

Ha!

- Excuse me. This is the men's room.
- You know what? Excuse me.

What did you have in mind?

Some sweet, romantic courtship
in the bar over some warm peanuts

before we consummate our love in the glow

- of Spectravision porn?
- You...

God, I'm so sorry your little ego
took such a bruising.

But you know what? I bet the next chick
that you meet in the elevator

or, I don't know, the gym,
is gonna fit that bill just fine.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Even though I bet you have a wife
who is actually stupid enough

to believe that you're the one guy
with integrity. The one guy.

Until, of course,
she finds that lipstick mark on your boxers,

and then it's game over, pal.

And that one thing that you held so dear,

that one thing that you loved
more than anything in the world,

is tainted and ruined and destroyed like that.

Ergo, if you had a brain in either head,

you would realise
that I was doing us both a favour.

- Excuse me.
- Sure. No problem.

- Is that my flower you're wearing?
- No.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, it is.

But I... I took it before,
when I thought you were deaf.

Hmm?

- Not that I would steal from a deaf person.
- All right.

Goodbye.

My God.

All right, this one's ready.

- Where's that headed?
- Don't know.

He said you'd know where it was going.

Hi.

Hi.

- Don't you look grand.
- Thank you. My, my, fancy.

- Thank you.
- All right.

The concierge said it was good.

- That's good. He should know.
- Yeah.

- It stopped raining.
- It sure did.

Carrot-ginger and the spinach soup.

You know, I have to say,
I have never been on a date with someone

who has a cardboard cutout of themselves.

Well, I mean, they're... They're really...
They're good for the carpool lane.

Oh.

Got it.

You know, we take long walks
on the beach together, go fly kites.

He's the kite.

- Because he's cardboard.
- Right.

Your salads. Enjoy.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

So...

- "Quidnunc"?
- Yeah.

You weren't really supposed to see that,
but, you know...

They're just... They're just words.

So, there's more than one, or...

Mmm-mmm.

Thank you.

Well, your concierge called it.
That was real good.

- Right.
- Thank you.

My pleasure.

So, I gotta... I'm gonna go. I've got...
It's a school night for me, so...

I understand.

- That was very nice. Thank you. Okay.
- All right. Thank you. Great.

- Goodbye.
- See you later. Thanks.

Eloise!

Eloise!

Oh.

You know, I haven't...
I haven't been on a date in three years.

'Cause see, I was... I was married.

And I mean, normally I'm...
I'm quite dashing and debonair

and whatever other "D" word there is
that would really impress you.

But it's painfully apparent that I'm...
I'm a little rusty.

Why... Why wouldn't you just say so?

I don't know, a desperate attempt to hold on

to whatever shred of masculinity
that I have left?

Okay. So...

So then I'm your...
I'm your first since a divorce?

- Uh, you are the first...
- Well, that's good.

Because that explains a lot.
Because that in there...

- It was... It was bad.
- Really bad.

Well, I have to go pick
some phalangiums right now.

Would you like to come with me?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Personally, I like to put
the waffles and bacon in first.

I'm increasing the pH level.

Hey. You do your thing.

I'm still trying to wrap my head
around what your thing is.

You're just gonna have to read my book.

- You're slippery.
- I prefer "mysterious".

- How long you been at this?
- I've always wanted to do it.

I finally got up the guts
a couple of years ago to open my own shop.

Good for you.

- "Julie, we have never met..."
- No. Hey!

Wow. Nosy.

- I'm sorry.
- Sorry. I don't mean to...

But these are just... They're from deliveries.

They're copies I've made of cards
that have, you know, stuck with me.

- So...
- Can I...

- Really?
- Would you... Yeah. I'd like to.

Okay.

"Julie, we have never met,

"but I've watched you lovingly
all these years.

"Congratulations and have
a beautiful wedding.

"Love, your father."

May I?

Um...

Let's see.

"Stacy, these are supposed to last
two weeks.

"I'll be back in time to see them bloom."

Yeah, deployed Marine.
He never saw them bloom.

One last one.

"My dearest wife, happy 50th anniversary.
Sorry about the rug burns last night."

Thanks for the visual.

Life on a 3-by-5.

Okay, well, I mean,
if this is the candle of truth,

then I guess I should be honest.

I... I used her life-insurance money

for a down payment on a condo in Mexico.

Well, because we had talked about it before.
He liked the idea.

So, I... I made a mould of his,
you know...

That way, when he was gone,
we could still, you know...

Who's next?

Walter?

Not much to say, really.

Walter, there's always something to say.
Come on, tell us.

How did your son die?

I used to be a contractor.
He was my little right-hand man.

Only 12, but he could frame a garden shed
better than I could.

We stopped by my construction site.

I had to pick up some blueprints
from my trailer.

I told him to wait in the car.

He fell off a scaffold
and snapped his spinal cord in two.

Just like...

Just like that.

And every day...

Every day is...

I should've known
he wouldn't stay in the car.

Walter, you said, "I used to be a contractor."

I can't even walk into a hardware store.

I clean buildings at night now.

And I lost my business.

My wife left me.

Thank you, Walter.

There's a dirty little secret. It's fear.

How many here don't fly any more?

Come on, raise your hands.

Who here gets an annual check-up
three times a year?

How many of you don't take elevators

or gave up skiing, biking, surfing, kayaking,
whatever it might be?

Well, listen to me. Fear is a state of mind.

We're gonna prove that right now.

Let's put our hands together.

Ready? Here we go.

Step, step, step, step.

Okay? Come on, Natalie.

The only thing separating
you and me is in your head.

Come on. You can do this. Come on.

Okay. Walter?

- Come on, Walter!
- Come on, Walter!

Here we go!

Come on, Walter!

- Here we go.
- Come on, Walter!

Come on!

Walter.

- It's okay. It's okay.
- I'm sorry. This is just silly.

I'm not gonna feel A-Okay because
I walked across some damn coals.

Okay, then it shouldn't be
that big of a deal, Walter.

- It's not a big deal. It's just...
- It's a step.

It's an important step.

Well, it has nothing to do with my Stephen.

Walter, would Stephen want you like this?

Or would he want you to move on,
to take a step forward?

You don't know anything about my son.

Walter, watch.

Walter, come on.

Come on, Walter. You can do this.

Come on.

Walter!

Okay. All right, we all go at our own pace.

He'll get there.

All right, well, let's give ourselves
a round of applause

for daring to kick fear right where it hurts.

Buddy, this stuff is gonna hurt.

How many layers of skin
do you think you have?

Not enough.

You know, you can't do the work for them.

- You know that, right?
- The guy needs help.

Fine, but you can't do it for them.
This is gonna sting a little bit.

Ready?

Count of three.

One.

Lane! You're fired!

Once you sign with us,
you're no longer an independent contractor.

You've got all 32 divisions
funnelling your image 24-7.

Within a year, we'll increase
your household-name recognition by 65%.

The Burke Ryan Show will subsequently
launch in the third quarter.

Followed by the DVD line, a new set
of books, syndicated talk radio, et cetera.

"Et cetera" is good.

All of this lays the foundation
for a branding strategy

that taps into demographics
well beyond your current base.

Studies indicate that persons grieving
the loss of a loved one

put on 30 to 40% more weight
than the national average.

Introducing the
Burke Ryan Calorie Reduction Plan.

"Finally, a loss you can feel good about."

Ooh.

Look at that. I like that picture.

Wow. Are you kidding me?

- You look strong, you look happy and...
- Right.

It's a mock-up at this point.
Anyway, continuing on...

Hey, that was great. Don't forget,
when Mr Vernon gets into town...

Hey, I gotta take them down to the museum
and show them around like an idiot...

Did that beep? Hey, Burke. It's me, Eloise.

- So, where are we going?
- It's all good. You'll see.

Okay, I will be right back.

- Is this... Is this your house?
- No, it's my mom's.

I'm just gonna go grab something.

I mean, you're more than welcome
to come in.

Okay.

Okay.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.

- Bob left the keys on the counter.
- Oh, great.

- Great. How was your day?
- Oh, fine. I had lots of coupons.

Oh, really? So, that was busy, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Hi. I brought you flowers.

Oh. Those are so pretty. Thanks.

Mom, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.

I wasn't expecting company.

Hi. I'm Burke.

Burke Ryan!

Ellie, you didn't tell me
you were dating a celebrity.

Well, we're not dating.

I wish you would have told me.
I look like hell.

Not at all. It's just the opposite.
I see where Eloise gets her looks.

Let's show him your pictures.

- You know, no, I don't think so...
- I'd love to.

No, really.

You know... Okay, I'm gonna get the keys.

My word, you have Pocahontas here.

Eloise was state archery champion
two years in a row.

- No!
- Oh, Mother.

Don't be modest. This is Burke Ryan.

I loved you on The Today Show.

- Now, how old is she here?
- Okay.

I got those keys, so thank you for that.

- We gotta go.
- Look how cute you are here.

- A-Okay.
- A-Okay.

- It was very nice meeting you.
- Nice to meet you.

- Hope to see you again.
- Yeah. Take care. Bye-bye.

I am so glad you're not dating that musician.

Mother. Oh, God.

I love you. Thanks. Thank Bob.

Burke Ryan. Oh, my God!

- Wow.
- She's so sweet.

- She loves you.
- I really enjoyed that.

That was very sweet.

- Oh, Mom. No, no, no. This way. Come on.
- Huh?

Where are we going?

It's fun not knowing, isn't it?

Ah.

You'll see.

What, are you trying to avoid the FBI?

You'll see. Please, just get in the truck.

- I think I forgot my hard hat.
- Oh, really? Well, here you go.

What you doing?

Your chariot awaits.

Seriously? Me, in bucket?

Yes. Trust me.

Have you had any cold medicine today?

Not today.

We're good. Okay, now watch this.

- Very dangerous. Fingers.
- Uh-huh.

Lock us in. Got it?

- Do you know what you're doing?
- Uh-huh.

- Ready?
- Oh, Lord.

- Are we in? Buckled? Locked? Loaded?
- Okay.

All right, here lies Burke Ryan, dead...

Oh, stop it.
I had a crash course this morning from Bob.

Who is Bob,
and why is my life in his hands?

Bob's my mom's neighbour.
Current boyfriend of the moment.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay. Here's what I was thinking.
I wanted to pick up from last night.

And I wanted to get you tickets
to Rogue Wave,

but they've been sold out for weeks.

So, I figured where there is a will,
there is a way.

# Heaven is a switchboard
that you want to fight

# She would even miss you
if you taught her sight

# Power politician leaning to the right

# Baby's got a trust fund
that she'll want to go off like that

# Get off my stack

# Leave a little window

# Get off of my stack

# Now we wear
same-coloured yellow uniforms

# Sky is burning
but at least we're warm #

If I had a nickel for every time I saw
a concert from a telephone truck, I'd be...

Thank you. It was exquisite.

- Don't thank me, thank Bob.
- Thank you, Bob.

Hey, I got your book.

- I'm halfway through it.
- Really?

Well, wait till you get to the recipe chapters.

They're top-notch.

I'm sorry about your wife.

How come you didn't tell me
that's what happened?

I don't know. Never came up.

Well, it sounded like you really loved her.

Yeah, I did.

But that was a long time ago.

Three years?

Twenty-one in dog years.

I had a really, really great time.

Me, too. That was really fun.

What?

I'm waiting to watch you strut back
to your bitchin' rig.

All right.

Bye.

Is that the international song for "got laid"?

No! Hardly.

Come on, throw me a bone.
What happened last night?

It was fun.

So, are you going to see him again?

I don't know. Maybe.

May I just point out that you broke up
with Tyler 72 hours ago

and now you're dating some other guy

who's not even gonna be in town
for 72 hours?

- Can I just point that out?
- Okay, we're... We're not dating.

We just met and, you know, I like him.

We're just hanging out.

Well, just be careful.

Men are hairy.

Thank you for that.

Two minutes. Give him two minutes.

He gets called away for emergencies,
you know.

"Her freckles frame eyes
the colour of mermaid's tears

"Her ears like waking up
to the sound of children at play..."

"My first five senses are reeling
like an old-school cassette tape

"rewound and played,
electric relaxation all day..."

"You and your phallus may run this world

"But this Amazon b*tch
will cut you down to size!"

Thank you.

That was slamming.

Thank you. I tried to mix up the iambic
pentameter with a little haiku motif.

Kick-a*s, Mart. Drink?

Yeah, all around, on me.

And can we have more of
the Istanbul Black Demon shisha, please?

- Black Demon?
- Thank you. So wicked. Want to try it?

- Go ahead, try it.
- Okay.

"Try me."

Sure.

sh*t. Excuse me for one second, will you?

Who is that man?

I beg you, please make sense of this.

I'm just enjoying a little local flavour.

Since when do you enjoy anything?

How did you even find me?

I'm Lane g*dd*mn Marshall, okay?

You asked directions from your concierge.

What is going on here?

We're on the verge
of the deal of the century here

and you're off playing Prince of Persia.

- Drinks, gentlemen?
- No. Get out of here.

Hey, Lane.

No, thank you. Will you calm down?

I will not calm down.

Their CEO is coming in two days.

Do you have any idea
the blood, sweat and tears

it's taken me to put this thing together?

You know,
Unicom didn't even know your name

- six months ago.
- I know and I appreciate it.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

- No, you don't!
- Lane.

Friend to friend,

do you not want this?

You can tell me.

Look, I'm ready.

- Okay?
- So, for the next two days

you're gonna be where I tell you to be
when I tell you to be there?

Yes. Scout's honour.

You with the scouting.

Oh, God.

Will you relax?
You're gonna have a heart attack.

I had a heart attack.
I had four heart attacks on the way here.

So, who are these fine folks
that you're consorting with?

Just people I've met.

Yeah?

Her name's Eloise.

Well, what hath struck the earth? Details.

She's...

Yeah?

- That's great.
- Yeah.

That's great.

- So, I'm gonna get back.
- Yeah, we'd better.

All right, yo, a pleasure to meet
you guys. Welcome to the Rainy City.

Should I belly-dance?

It's tragic. They were so young.

- It's just so sad.
- I know.

I don't know how you deal
with all that death every day.

Well, I have to deal with it no matter what.

I think that funerals are archaic
and a waste of money.

Actually, funerals are an important ritual
in the grieving process.

They don't just recognise
that a life has ended,

they recognise that a life was lived.

My wife's funeral...

Burke, you don't have to.

No, it's okay. That's okay.

Which was actually here in Seattle,
was a celebration.

It was a beautiful day in March,
St Patrick's Day, actually,

and her family has a little plot,
so we set up chairs and candles.

And it had been raining
for two weeks straight. Pouring.

But on that day, the sun came out.

The dahlias were blooming in the ground
as if they were welcoming her.

It was... It was magic.

That was a healing for my family.

Dahlias?

Dahlias.

Dahlias. It was her favourite flower.

Dahlias don't bloom here until the fall.

Well, maybe they were early that year.

It's getting late.
We should hit the road, Burke.

He didn't go, did he?

No.

Oh.

So beautiful here.

Look. Look, you can see my parents' house.

Right... Yeah, right there.

Okay, your turn.

Big smile. Time for that tourist snapshot.

It's gonna go right on the wall
in the living room.

You're not smiling.
Would you smile, please?

Okay, three, two, one.

Say "cheese".

Recovery starts with acceptance, Olivia.

I think you're well on your way. Okay. Good.

Who's next? Anybody?

Come on, people, this is what these
smaller sessions are for.

Let's get our hands up.
Come on, participate.

Martha, please.

I don't know. I...

No, Martha, "I don't know"
never got anybody anywhere.

So, please, this is your assessment.

Let's make the most of it, okay?

I think I'm coming to terms
with some of my anger.

- Good.
- And I'm gonna try

to stop projecting it onto others.

Fine. Work on that in group this afternoon.

All right? All right, next. Anybody.

Come on, people. Walter, how about you?

- I feel I'm getting a lot out of the seminar.
- Like what?

Come on, there's no right answer here.
Open up.

Well...

It's just...

It still hurts.

Okay, that's a given, Walter.
What are you doing about it?

I'm trying.

No, Walter.
I don't think that you're trying hard enough.

- I don't know how to try any harder.
- You don't know how?

You don't know how?
Have I not been up here the last three days?

Have you not been listening to me?

I mean, you don't know how, Walter?

- No, I...
- Then spit it out!

Come on, what is it? What is it?

You want to know what?

He should be pitching
Little League right now.

If he'd stayed in the car,
he'd be playing video games,

he'd be spray-painting his skateboard,
he'd be pissing me off by being a kid,

but he's never gonna do any of that
because he's in a g*dd*mn box!

Walter.

You're stuck.

You can't move forward because
you've got your eyes on the rear-view mirror.

The death of your son
has become the death of you,

your marriage, your job. Everything.

It's just...

I don't know how to get it back.

You're a contractor, right?

Build it.

One brick at a time.

Watch your step.
Little field trip today.

- Thank you.
- Hi. How you doing, Brenda?

Good. Trust me.

All right, follow me.

Wait right around the corner, Lorraine.
Thanks.

Now, watch your step.
I'll see you out there, okay?

- Okay. You all right there? Okay.
- Thanks.

I'm not going out there.

I can't go out there.

Walter. You're not a janitor.

You're a contractor.

After you.

Now let's fill this thing up.

All right, g*ng, let's go.

He'd have gotten a kick out of this.

Thank you for reminding me.

You reminded yourself, Walter.

I couldn't hold him.

At the end, I couldn't hold him.

The paramedics said not to move him, so...

I want you to have this.

Beautiful boy, Walter.

If you ever need a remodel...

I'll be right there.

I didn't go to her funeral. And I...

Look, I haven't spoken to her parents
since I...

Yeah, I didn't take care of Rocky.
I stopped talking to her friends.

I threw out everything
that even smelled of her. I...

Listen, I wasn't judging you
or trying to trip you up.

Can I say something?

And this comes
from a place of total humility.

With the acknowledgment that my life

is a day-by-day experiment
in really bad decisions.

But...

you're really messed up.

I mean, maybe you need someone
to nudge you to do these things

that you don't want to do,

like talk to her parents
or take care of Rocky,

whatever Rocky is.

- What is Rocky?
- It's a parrot.

- Parrot?
- Her parrot.

He's loud and he shits all over the place.

It's a parrot.

She made me promise that if anything
ever happened to her that I'd...

- I mean, it sounds... It's crazy.
- What?

That I would release him into the wild.

And you haven't done that, have you?

No. No, her parents took him.

Didn't you say her parents live here?

Mmm-hmm.

Two birds, one stone.

- Come on.
- Eloise, no.

- Why?
- Because it's her...

Her father...

- Hmm...
- No, you know...

It's just... It's more complicated than that.

I'm sure it's... I'm sure it's very complicated.

Eloise, no.

So, that's it.

That's it.

Do you want me to...

Do you want me to go with you or... No.

I don't think that would go over so well.

Look, you know what?
I don't even know if they're home.

- They probably didn't even keep the bird.
- Burke.

Did I mention that her father

- is an ex-Marine?
- Ex-Marine. Yeah.

All right, now.
So, you add in some of these mega-mergers

that we're talking about. BHP...

That's right. Guess who.

You never thought you'd see me again,
did you?

Another damn commercial.
How about some fresh tea, hon?

Oh, thanks.

What the hell's going on with you?

Huh? What are you up to now?

- What, honey?
- I'm talking to Rocky.

Honey, don't tease him.

- You know it gets upset.
- I'm not teasing him.

He was doing the damn car alarm again.

Honey, could you get me some

- lemon, please?
- What?

- Could you get some lemon, please?
- Yes, it's right here.

Shut up!

Just don't cut yourself when you're slicing it.

I won't cut myself. Don't worry.

Go! Go! Go!

- Start it up, go!
- What's going on?

Go. Just drive.

- What?
- Go. Just drive.

- I'm going. I'm going.
- Just drive!

Come on, let's get out of here. Go, go!

Go, go, go, go!

Jesus, what happened?

I got the bird. That's all that matters.

Oh, God. Were they... Were they that upset?

- They will be.
- What?

What happened to "two birds, one stone"?

One bird's all I could manage.

Eloise, they never would've
given me that bird.

- Trust me.
- You don't know that.

I cut my losses.

If she wanted this bird turned loose,
this is the way to get it done.

Okay. All right.

This isn't animal cruelty or something, is it?

It wasn't my idea. It was your idea.

It wasn't my idea. It was her idea.

Well, let's let him decide.

Okay.

This looks like a good place,
so I guess this is goodbye.

Go on.

Come on, Rocky. Fly away.

Come on, let's go! Giddyup!

You'll see the world. Come on.
Meet some girls.

No, come on.

Go on, get out of here.

No, Rock. Come on. Go.

Come here.

Fly away. Rocky, look at me.

Giddyup! Giddyup!

All right, now you're pissing me off.

You want to go back to Semper Fi's house?

All right, you know what?
You're on your own.

How'd it go?

Mission accomplished.

Was he happy?

Are you happy?

It's a bird. I set it free.

Oh.

- I need you to take me back to the hotel.
- Okay.

I feel better for having done it, okay?

Listen, you don't have to talk about it
if you don't want to.

- Really.
- Just tell me what to say and I'll say it.

No.

I don't... I don't know. I'm not good...
I haven't thought this through.

You know, Burke, I like you. I like you.

Not the author.

Not the guy with the microphone.
And I just... I just want to help.

You know what, Eloise, I just...

I need you to take me back to the hotel,
right now,

- and I need you to respect that.
- Burke, I will...

Damn it!
You just don't know when to quit, do you?

I asked you to stop and you just keep on.

Maybe you're the one
who needs psychoanalysis.

Leave me alone, all right?

I can catch my own ride back.

It's about time.

Oh, my God! Where the hell have you been?

- It's not important.
- Uh-huh.

Well, let me tell you something
that is important.

You blew off dinner and Vernon's here.

- I mean, Jesus, you have got to...
- Lane!

I'll meet with him first thing in the morning,
make sure he feels the love.

You, meanwhile, accept their offer,
but tell them the DVD rollout is too late.

I want it bumped up to next month.

Jesus.

What the hell happened to you, man?

I can't wait to get out of this city.

Hey!

Is everything cool?

Absolutely.

Yeah?
Anything of note happen this afternoon?

- Not particularly.
- What about Eloise?

Stop! Wait! Listen to me.

You know, you can talk to me if you want to.

I know. I get all mixed up.
I get caught up in this business sh*t,

but I want you to know

that I'm there for you if you need me to be.

She's gone.

She's gone? What do you mean, she's gone?

I don't know, man, I just...

I screwed it up.

I threw all my... all my bullshit in her face.

It could've been something.

- Night, Lane.
- Burke.

- Sleep well. Big day tomorrow.
- Burke.

Burke.

She'd be proud of you.

I didn't go to her funeral.

Hypocrite.

You're stuck.

You can't move forward because
you've got your eyes on the rear-view mirror.

You're really messed up.

Swerved into a pole.

She died instantly.

When are you gonna stop lying, son?

Good morning, sire. This way.

- What happened to you?
- Went for a little run. It's refreshing.

You know, Vernon went for
the international and DVD rollout.

Yeah. Old man likes what he sees
and we are Rolls-Royce.

- Get it done.
- First things first,

I need you to shake some hands
with somebody here.

Mr Vernon, it's a pleasure...

Lane g*dd*mn Marshall.

Well,

this is unexpected.

I'm sorry.

Lane told me the truth.

You don't deserve
what you put yourself through.

I hope that you can find a way
to somehow give yourself a break,

because if you don't, this is...
This is gonna be your life.

I just think that's...

That's just sad.

That's it. That's...

That's all I came to say.

So, just take care of yourself, okay?

How's about it, folks, huh?

Has it been a week of miracles or what?

How many of you
can't get enough of Burke Ryan?

I bet that you would love to see him

in your living room
from 3:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. every day

on your local syndicated channel.

Huh? Yes!

We'll see what we can do about that.

Now, without further ado,
the man of the hour, Burke Ryan.

Thank you. Please have a seat.

Thank you. Have a seat, please.

Gosh, I'm...

I'm feeling okay. How are you?

A-Okay!

- Sir, I need to see your badge.
- I'm sorry, what?

Sir, your badge.

I got a badge. He's a damn thief, you know.

Son of a b*tch broke into my house
and took something.

- There's your badge.
- You can keep it.

You keep it!

We have made a lot of progress
in the last few days,

but don't forget,

it's just a foundation for the future.

Excuse me.

You know... Boy, I'm sorry.

I... I've...

I can't lie to you guys any more.

You know, I stand here

and I watch you all confront your pain.

And I envy you,

because...

I haven't confronted mine.

I didn't want it to be my fault.

My wife's accident.

It was raining.

This dog...

in the middle of the road.

We had been arguing

over paint colours for the kitchen.

Paint colours.

But what I haven't told you...

is that I was driving the car...

...not her.

I k*lled my wife.

I'm so sorry.

It was just an accident, son.

That's all it was.

There was nothing you could have done.

- No.
- No, it's true.

It was just one of those freak accidents.

Listen to me. We never blamed you.

Never.

All we really wanted to do
was mourn with you, son.

We didn't know what to do.
We couldn't find you.

That's been the worst part.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Hey. Come here.

I was thinking that maybe
I should've had you do that a long time ago.

- You gonna be all right?
- Yeah, in time.

Mr Ryan? Ted Vernon.

That was something.

Yeah, that was something, huh?

That was reality up there, Mr Vernon.

And if you can't accept that for what it is,

then you can take your deal
and you can shove it up your a*s.

I found it refreshing and I respect you for it.

Thank you.

- I'm sorry. Are we still...
- We'll see.

This is why you keep firing me.
I'll be right back. Mr Vernon?

There's something
I don't think you ever realised.

As far as we were concerned,
we didn't just lose our daughter.

We also lost our son.

- I'm sorry.
- We understand.

And she would want you
to just get on with your life.

And don't be a stranger.

But next time make sure you use
the front door.

I will. I promise.

And listen. Thank you, son. Thank you.

Look, I should have done this
a long time ago.

No, no, no, not about that.

For getting rid of that damn bird.

- I love you, kid.
- I love you, too.

Hey, I got your bear grass.

Oh, great. Thank you. Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Well, the thing is...

you've spent the last few days
getting to know the part of me that...

that wasn't really available.

So, I was wondering,
if I haven't screwed it up too bad,

if you would be interested in
getting to know the part of me that is.

- Yes, she would.
- Marty!

Sorry.

Yes.

Chapter 15.

During your travels, it's important
to always keep one thing in mind.

When one thing ends,
something else begins.

Aw, jeez.

Is it yourself?

Yeah, sure, who else would it be?

Come on, climb on. Come on.

- Hello.
- Hello.

I won't ask you where you've been,
not that I care.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Back to the salt mines, kid.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Goodbye.