Love And Other Drugs (2010)

[bunniefuu]

Whoo!

Oh, yeah! Yeah, you want to dance?

You don't mind if I get up in there, do you?

- This is kind of sexy.

- Yeah. Love it!

You're kind of sexy.

You should take one of these.

Very lightweight on your shoulders, ladies.

Try it out, try it out. There you go.

Feels good, yeah?

Whoo!

Whoo!

Here.

Follow me, ladies.

Follow me to the cash register.

I see you guys.

You guys look like you smoke weed, right?

Okay, you're gonna smoke a bowl,

you're gonna buy one of these TVs.

Philips, all right.

You know, you're kind of high, feels good.

Samsung, kind of last year.

Magnavox, bam!

That's an expl*si*n!

You're stoned, it'll blow your mind!

You want to go really small, I got this one.

Really small. Look at this flip-phone. Look.

"Hello, Joan. What are you doing?"

- "I don't know. What are you doing?"

- "I'm great. "

- You are so bad.

- Guys? Christy.

Hey.

Said one, two princes kneel before you

That's what I said now

Here, take my card. Take my card.

Take my card. Okay? Take my card.

Go, Joan. Go, Joan. Go, Joan. Go, Joan.

In the house. Go, Joan. Go, Joan.

Oh. Sorry, Joan.

Okay, squeeze the nipple.

Squeeze the nipple. Harder.

Okay. Oh, my God!

- What are you doing?

- Feel that.

We can't do this. Jerry's right out there.

He can watch.

What makes you so damn sexy?

Oh, my God.

I promise you, man,

you'll ever need for a living room.

Excuse me.

- Hello?

- Oh, Jesus. Harder.

Oh!

- Okay. Oh!

- What the...

You f*cking piece of sh*t!

You f*cked up son of a b*tch!

Christy! What the hell is wrong with you?

- How can I ever trust you again?

- I don't know. I'm so sorry.

- What the f*ck is wrong with you?

- No, I...

You know, Fujitsu makes the same unit

for 40 bucks less.

- Really?

- Yeah, but they don't sell it here.

Oh...

But I could get it for you, if you want.

Oh! Are you, like, okay?

Oh.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Give me your number.

I'll let you know when I have it.

Um...

- What's your name?

- Amber.

- You have beautiful eyes.

- Shut the f*ck up, Christy!

You.

Don't you ever f*cking come in here again!

You know what? You owe me commission

on $54,000 worth of second-rate,

knock-off, gray-market, off-brand,

overpriced equipment, you son of a b*tch.

I'll f*cking k*ll you, you piece of sh*t!

You know what?

Why don't you just send it to me?

Christy knows the address.

Amber! 434-6603!

Why don't you tell Daddy

what a downtown Chicago hospital

is really like?

Patient brought in with chills,

nausea, ischemia, clearly in shock.

Did you do a CBC?

Excuse me, our protocols didn't

exist when you went to medical school.

Oh! Yes, I've been under a rock

these past 30 years.

How many transdermal intubations

have you personally done?

My dear, I teach medicine. I no longer

sully my hands touching actual patients.

- Ha!

- Touch patients?

Why would anybody want to do that?

You are not allowed in this conversation.

Excuse me. I've helped more patients

than you ever will.

Can I pour this drink on your head?

What is wrong with getting rich?

God only knows you can't do that

in medicine anymore.

- He's right about that!

- Don't help him justify his laziness.

I already justified my laziness.

It's called $35 million on my first IPO.

Jamie, help me.

- He's a geek who got lucky.

- And he'll always be a geek.

Yeah? Well, this geek

is taking back your shares.

I don't blame you.

The profession was ruined

when they let women in.

I'm k*lling both of you.

I'm k*lling all of you

if you don't get in there and sit down.

And we get to keep all the shares.

- Ugh!

- All right.

Jamie!

Of course, it really happened.

Who wants to see

a movie about protesting?

Whatever.

To the sale of Josh's company!

- Whatever the hell it does.

- Yes!

Long live medical software.

And med school dropouts everywhere.

You'd better give

some of this money away,

- that's all I have to say.

- Not gonna happen.

Jamie, what are you up to these days?

- Jamie's selling high-end stereo equipment.

- Ha!

Not anymore.

What do you mean?

Well, let's just say Jamie had

a falling out with management.

I thought you were in real estate.

I am looking for other opportunities.

We're living through the greatest creation

of wealth in modern history,

and my brother decides to quit.

Josh has been talking to me

about pharmaceutical sales.

Pharmaceutical sales?

Pharmaceutical sales.

You know, medicine that's

supposed to help people get better.

Remember Timmy,

my roommate from Brown?

He's a VP at Pfizer. So I said to Jamie,

"Jamie, if you suck on my c*ck,

I'll get you an interview. "

- Oh, Josh, watch your mouth!

- Watch your mouth!

I said no, Mom. I said no.

Why would you wanna be

a pharmaceutical rep?

"Why would you wanna be

a pharmaceutical rep?"

Because it's the only entry-level job in

America that pays over 100 grand a year.

- That's why.

- No.

Those people come into our office

with their roller bags and samples,

like door-to-door-salesmen.

They are door-to-door-salesmen,

only what they're selling

grosses $87 billion a year!

Yeah, and they're turning

complex medical decisions

- into Madison Avenue impulse buying.

- Oh, my God.

Look, I'm not selling to the patients, okay?

No. No, the patients just see

the commercials on TV...

I'm not even doing the job yet!

...and demand their name-brand drugs

from the doctors...

Calm down, you're freaking out.

- ... and there you are to supply them.

This is so crazy

that you're yelling at me for nothing!

I'm not doing it!

If you barbarians won't be still

and finish this lamb,

none of you will get the chocolate cake.

Yes, Mom!

Oh, Jamie,

if you could make money f*cking,

you'd be even richer than me.

I'll call the Pfizer guy in the morning.

Let's welcome the class of 1997 trainees!

This is not a pill. This is tens

of millions of dollars in research.

This is thousands of hours of hard labor.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is software.

Your training will last six weeks.

Each of you will leave here

a fully qualified health care professional.

That's 33% fewer phone calls

for you at 4:00 a. m.

That's 33% less angry... sh*t!

Your job will be to go fight illness.

Hello... f*ck!

sh*t!

Ah! f*ck! Ah! sh*t! Ow!

Off-label uses are benefits

not yet recognized by the FDA.

But you can boost sales

by hinting at what these uses are.

Hello, Doctor.

Do you know that prescribing Zithromax...

Prescribing Zithromax...

Bonjour, Doctor!

Prescribing Zithromax... Zithromax.

Ah!

Zoloft, a drug approved solely

for the treatment of depression.

Off-label uses: alcoholism, bulimia, PMS,

smoking, social anxiety.

Is there a question?

Zoloft has been associated

with suicidal ideation in teenagers.

Unproven.

Proven. Unreported.

Your job will be to

go share this technology.

Your job will be to go save lives.

The health care industry today

is worth $2 trillion a year.

The top 10 pharma companies

make more money

than all 490 of the other

Fortune 500 companies combined.

- What family is Feldene a part of?

- Non-steroidal...

Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory.

An NSAID.

A better world, that's why we're here.

Lipitor in Palm Beach!

Xanax, New England!

What about you, Jamie-bamie?

Zoloft and Zithromax

in the Ohio River Valley.

Welcome to Pfizer!

What are you thinking about?

Money.

Pay attention.

We are not going door-to-door selling

oatmeal cookies for the Girl Scouts here.

You are not the g*dd*mn Avon lady.

You understand what I'm saying?

This is hardcore sales,

and you have a quota.

And people at the home office

keeping track of that quota.

And your cold calls, and your mileage,

and your receipts.

How often you g*dd*mn masturbate.

What is the quota for masturbation?

You can masturbate

as much as you like, smartass,

as long as you make a lot of money.

Okay.

Voila!

Okay, now, remember.

Hospitals have a no-reps policy.

Doesn't mean we can't give the docs

a nice, dry walk from their cars.

All right?

There he is. All right.

No time like the present.

- Get your head in the game.

- All right.

- Remember, Pfizer makes his life better.

- Okay.

Pfizer makes his patients happier,

- so he makes more money.

- Okay.

- Wait, the pens, the pens!

- Oh, the pens!

Always lead with a pen.

Gifts establish reciprocity!

Doctor!

Hey, Doctor, Jamie Randall. Pfizer.

How are you doing?

- No, thank you.

- Look... It's wet out here.

I don't want you compromising

your immune system.

Let's talk about Zithromax for a second.

Which part of "No, thank you"

do you not understand?

- You wanna take a pen?

- No, thank you.

Okay.

That's 33% fewer phone calls for you

at 4:00 a. m.

Please stop, okay?

That's why I wanna talk to you

about Zithromax, okay?

We are throwing antibiotics at people

the minute they sneeze,

and it doesn't work on viruses anyway.

- What's your name?

- Goldstein.

Right. Dr. Goldstein,

okay, what we're doing...

No, what you're doing is creating

classes of drug-resistant superbugs.

And that might be good for business,

because you will develop

stronger antibiotics

and ruin people's

immune systems altogether.

- No... You...

- Thank you.

Models. Beauty queens.

Equestrian princesses. sh*t.

You know what I heard?

They're even starting to hire strippers.

I heard that.

Hey, Lisa!

- Her name's not Lisa.

- I know. I know.

But if every time I say, "Hey, Lisa,"

then eventually she'll come up to me

and she'll be like, you know,

"My name's not Lisa, it's Jennifer,"

or whatever, and I'll do a big apology

and I'll say, "I thought you were the Lisa

who was mad at me for not calling. "

And from then on, Jennifer,

or whatever her name is,

will think that I dated a girl

who looked just like her, who I rejected.

She'll develop this unconscious need

to win my approval,

and from then on, it's cake.

Damn!

Accepted etiquette is one rep at a time.

Screw etiquette.

Competing reps are not your friends.

Okay, Knight.

- Where you going?

- Oh. Sorry.

Knight is a doc you gotta close.

Leads the largest group in the city.

Lots of f*cked-up college students

on Prozac who should be on Zoloft.

You always bring donuts?

Pharma sales is a lot like dating.

They want you to take them to dinner

and pretend to expect nothing in return.

- And no one ever got laid by going Dutch.

- Exactly.

Gail, good morning!

How are you this fine day?

Sick people touch those.

When I order a second test,

it's for a reason, God damn it.

Unbelievable!

That's him. Another time.

If they don't take us in five minutes,

we leave. Only losers wait.

There he is.

Hey there, beautiful. How you doing?

Get over here, Trey.

Two tickets to La Bohme on the 19th.

I hate you. Can't you go with me

instead of my husband?

Trey Hannigan. Lilly's Prozac rep,

top 10 nationally. The Devil.

He's on the phone with Watson.

You can go on back.

He's the reason

we never make our quota on Zoloft.

- Is he going in?

- What a d*ck!

If we can show 5% gains monthly,

we're going to the promised land.

The promised land?

Chicago.

Civilization. Culture.

And not incidentally, my wife and kids.

Only the great and near-great get Chicago,

but I got a hunch

that you and your swinging d*ck

might be my ticket to the big leagues.

Good morning.

Doctor only sees new reps

who bring a lunch.

Here's a list of available dates.

- The first one is in five weeks.

- Great.

Here's a list of approved foods,

no sushi, no salads.

No salads.

Leave your samples with me.

- Hi.

- Five weeks.

You're going to like me.

I beg your pardon?

Sooner or later, everybody does.

You wanna know why?

'Cause I'll do whatever it takes

to make that happen. I'm very trainable.

- What's your name?

- Gail. Five weeks.

Oh, Gail, that's not fair.

I'm laying myself bare here.

I'm revealing my true vulnerability.

And now you're stonewalling me.

Is that fair?

- That's not fair.

- You stay out of this.

Look at you angels of mercy! How do

the docs get any work done around here?

Fine. What do you want?

I just want you to let me leave my samples

where he'll see them.

'Cause otherwise, you're gonna

throw them away after I leave.

Gail. No sushi, no salads.

Who let you back here?

Oh! Dr. Knight! Do you know that

prescribing Zithromax for ear infections,

- diarrhea and...

- Cindy! Can you deal with this, please?

How about a pen?

Do you want a pen?

- Okay, Prince Charming, time's up.

- Oh! Okay.

Wow! That is a long handle!

- Would you like a pen?

- Thanks.

Purple.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Uh,

I got something for you today.

Wait, I think... Yup.

There's another one for you, too!

The thing about these pens is that

they have tiny little point tips on them,

and then I end up pressing too hard, and...

Hello, gorgeous.

Jamie! Jamie, they're beautiful!

Hey, Lisa!

Okay, this may have worked for you

in the past, but let me lay it out.

I became a rep for one reason, doctors.

To meet doctors, fraternize with doctors,

breed with doctors.

So next time you see me in the field,

don't ask for a handout.

It's just awkward.

I want Chicago, Randall. And right now,

you're not making it happen!

You're 20% below your quota for Z,

you're 45% below your quota for Zoloft!

You want me off your a*s, you punk?

There's your answer.

He's got toddlers taking Prozac.

He's got dogs taking Prozac.

He'd have rocks taking Prozac

if they paid cash.

And by the way, you want

one doctor to start writing Zoloft?

It's the guy standing next to him.

- Knight?

- Knight.

Hannigan's butt buddy.

But I swear, he starts writing it,

the rest of the docs will follow.

And Windy City, here we come.

- Dr. Knight.

- Hey, I'm very late.

- One thousand dollars.

- Excuse me?

- It's a check for $1,000.

- For what?

For a special Pfizer preceptorship.

For me to shadow you, learn your practice,

and better serve the needs of doctors.

Are you bribing me?

No, Doctor, no.

It's a special Pfizer preceptorship

for me to shadow you.

Is this a joke?

If you think $1,000 is a joke.

That's 33% fewer phone calls at 4:00 a. m...

I'd write a lot more of your scrip

if I were a regularly paid consultant.

Well, you know,

we can talk to them about that.

They spend $5 billion a year

on marketing, right?

Mmm-hmm.

Instead of flying me to Cancn

and making me sit through

some bullshit, nonsense,

peer-to-peer conference,

just give me half that money in cash.

- Yeah, but Cancn...

- Dr. Knight,

- Mrs. Putney's on the phone. Excuse me.

- Sorry.

Her daughter has to sing on Friday.

They're doing Bye Bye Birdie,

and she's playing Kim, and she wondered

if you could call in an antibiotic?

- Sure. Why not?

- Okay, thanks.

Hey.

This can't be right. Janice? Janice?

A 26-year-old needs

Parkinson's medication?

- Beth wrote that one up.

- Hi.

All right, look, if a patient asks,

you're an intern, okay?

Yeah. Can I take notes?

- Sure. Why not?

- All right.

Hey. I'm Dr. Knight.

- Maggie Murdock.

- Hi.

- So your file says, "Kind of an emergency. "

- Yeah.

My apartment was burgled yesterday,

and they took my Parkinson's meds.

But my symptoms are pretty good today,

so it's "kind of an emergency. "

I know your Lilly rep, Trey Hannigan?

He asked Cindy to squeeze me in, so...

Yeah, Trey's a great guy.

Oh. Well, I wouldn't say that.

So, monotherapy?

Yep. Sinemet CR, 50 milligrams,

two times a day,

plus Domperidone to cut the nausea,

Artane for the tremor, two milligrams,

a whole tablet, three times a day.

And Prozac, so that I'm not too bummed

about having

a major degenerative disorder at 26.

Forty milligrams, once, in the morning.

Zoloft has fewer side effects.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Jamie Randall.

Oh.

Hi.

Intern.

So, early-onset Parkinson's.

That's pretty rare.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. First they thought it was

essential tremor, then Wilson's disease,

then Huntington's.

Then, they tested for MAS, PSP, syphilis.

I was very glad for a negative on that one.

I didn't really relish the thought

of feeling like a 19th century sl*t.

Let's see. Then, there was

brain tumor week, which was very scary.

And then six months

chasing obscure dystonias,

but, no, it just turned out to be

good, old-fashioned Parkinson's.

Right. And... Don't you have a neurologist?

We broke up.

And do you have insurance?

Do I have insurance.

Okay.

Well, sure. Why not?

- Great.

- Is there anything else I can do for you?

Nope. Oh!

Um...

Actually, yeah.

I have a weird blotch on my breast.

I don't know,

I'm trying not to freak out about it.

- Well, let's have a look.

- Great.

Here you go. Do you see that?

- That's a spider bite.

- Is it?

Yeah, that's a spider bite.

Great!

All right.

- There you are.

- Thank you, Dr. Knight.

Sure.

You're welcome.

- You're a drug rep?

- Wait...

You let me take my shirt off,

you f*cking creep!

Wait, wait, wait. I'm hurt.

- Your buckle just hit my eye.

- No, it didn't.

- I'm hurt. I'm hurt.

- Oh, my God.

Who said I was a drug rep?

Excuse me, look at your bag!

I don't think

you're going to the f*cking airport.

Okay, look, just apologize, okay?

Just apologize.

Would you do that just once?

I would actually like to hear someone from

the medical community actually apologize!

Okay. Okay, I apologize.

I apologize on behalf of all the arrogant,

faceless, cut-off, as*h*le doctors out there

who've treated you like a non-person

while peeking at your breasts.

So what's your name?

You're good.

Strong eye contact. Implied intimacy.

You'll make your quotas.

Let me take you out

for a cup of coffee then.

Whoa! What was that for?

Eat sh*t and die, that's what that was.

No, wait, wait! Hold on one second!

I can do a better apology!

'Cause I want to know.

The same white tights

I wear every single day.

You are out of your mind.

All right, nothing underneath?

- You're bad!

- So,

I need the number of

a patient he saw yesterday.

A Murdock, or something like that.

You want Maggie Murdock's number?

Yes. Because she mentioned,

like, six neurologists,

and Pfizer's coming out

with a new Parkinson's med,

and I wanna contact them all,

and I wanna make a lot of money,

Miss None Of Your Business.

- We're not supposed to give out numbers.

- What?

You gave me your number, you bad girl.

Do your friends know

how bad you really are?

Jamie!

Because if they knew

how bad you really are...

Listen, I promise I'll wear the stethoscope

next time we play naughty nurse.

Okay, I got to go. Thanks, bye.

What are you doing here?

I'm all f*cked up!

- Farrah kicked me out.

- No way.

Can you believe that? I think she's f*cking

somebody already, I swear to God!

- Why did she kick you out?

- I don't know, Jamie!

- Jesus!

- She said I was addicted to Internet porn.

- Are you?

- Of course I am!

f*ck! Isn't everybody?

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

I can't breathe.

I'm having a panic attack.

- Do you have any Ativan?

- We're Xanax.

Fine, Xanax!

You have any samples of Xanax?

Jamie, I'm in a really vulnerable place

right now.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Hey, hey, hey.

Come here, come here, come here.

It's okay.

Dude! Dude!

We're not huggers.

Faster. Come on! We got this!

- Josh, will you turn that down?

- Oh. No.

Josh!

- Hello?

- Why did you take that picture?

Is that the girl with the t*ts?

How'd you get my number?

What, you called Knight's office?

- How'd you get my number?

- From the receptionist.

Who you're f*cking.

What'd she say?

Have coffee with me.

- Why?

- Because I'm a drug rep.

I'm not a creep.

Same thing.

Look, I'm sorry that I stared at your t*ts,

but they're really nice.

Hello?

Yes. Yes.

Oh, I thought you hung up for a second.

Should I have?

What, and miss the opportunity

of insulting me?

Oh, you like being insulted?

Hold on a second.

Ow!

Um...

By the right person.

Oh, my God. This is a sales call, isn't it?

You're gonna stay on the phone with me

until I say yes, aren't you?

Well, I take my work very seriously.

All right. Bye.

Ow!

Why is your answer

to everything violence?

I said 5:00.

- Very cute.

- Oh! Please, you can have him.

Khaki pants? No, thanks.

So... What's your name?

Jamie Randall.

Jamie, right. Okay, sorry.

What's your game?

My game?

I'm sorry, right, this is

the part where we talk about

where we come from

and what we majored in, in college.

You have beautiful eyes.

That's it? That's the best you got?

I'm serious. They're beautiful.

Well, thank you. Let's see, what else?

My childhood? When did I get sick?

So, are you always this mean?

Actually, this is me being nice.

So, how's your quota this month?

Have you had

your first performance review?

Is that a resting tremor?

Comes and goes?

It's none of your business.

Happens when you're nervous.

Mr. Expert, why would I be nervous?

- 'Cause you're interested.

- And that would make me nervous?

Yeah, your mind's telling you one thing,

your body's telling you something else.

You left me standing

Let's go.

Excuse me?

You wanna close, right?

You wanna get laid?

Now?

Mmm. Oh, right, right, right. I'm supposed

to act like I don't know if it's right,

so then you tell me that there is no right

or wrong, there's just the moment.

And then I tell you that I can't,

while actually signaling to you that I can,

which you don't need,

because you're not really listening,

because this isn't about connection

for you, this isn't even about sex for you.

This is about finding an hour or two

of relief from the pain of being you.

And that's fine with me, see,

because all I want is the exact same thing.

You left me standing

in the doorway crying

Does that mean I don't have to leave a tip?

And now you're thinking,

"Will I stay five minutes or ten?"

And, "Where did I throw my pager?"

Mmm.

I'm not thinking that. It's under the table.

You're probably thinking,

"What's this guy's name again?"

Bye, Johnny.

I think it's time for you to go.

Whoa, whoa, I don't need to go.

Well, I need you to go.

Oh, okay.

It was nice meeting you.

It was nice meeting you, too.

Maybe we'll...

We'll see each other around.

I'll just leave the key there.

Thanks.

'Cause he gets up in the morning

And he goes to work at 9:00

And he comes back home at 5:30

Gets the same train every time

'Cause his world is built 'round punctuality

It never fails

And he's oh, so good

And he's oh, so fine

And he's oh, so healthy

In his body and his mind

He's a well respected man about town

Doing the best things so conservatively

And his mother goes to meetings

And she stirs the tea with councilors

While discussing foreign trade

What?

Wait! Wait.

Oh, my God. What are you doing here?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I know it's so late.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I didn't see anything! My glasses are off!

Josh, turn around!

Hi. Josh. Pleasure to meet you.

I can recite

the six causes of pernicious anemia

and the four stages of terminal cirrhosis.

And by fourth grade, I knew what

a distended ileum felt like on palpation.

So why did you bail on med school?

I didn't bail. I just

couldn't finish college.

I couldn't sit through a class.

Oh. Ritalin at 10.

Eight.

Show-off.

But you were really smart?

Yeah. The prodigal son, with ADD.

You want to know the truth?

Hmm?

I just couldn't give my father

the satisfaction.

Does this generally work for you?

What?

This. The whole misunderstood-by-Dad-

I'm-a-vulnerable-guy thing.

Usually. Yeah.

Well, it's pretty good.

Thanks.

But somewhere along the line,

say, sixth grade,

a girl smiled at you,

or a bunch of girls smiled at you,

and, ta-da,

Jamie's good at something after all.

Actually, it was the fifth grade.

Why don't you have a boyfriend?

I'm going.

- Why?

- See...

The thing is, I really like having sex,

and I actually really like

having sex with you,

so let's just keep it simple.

I can do that.

Yeah, you do seem like a shithead,

so it should be all right.

There's just alarms going off in my head

that you're not entirely what you seem.

Oh, no, no. I'm a shithead, believe me.

Good.

Because if you turn out

not to be a shithead, that would be bad.

I'm a shithead, believe me.

Through and through.

Hey!

Hey, man. How are you?

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Damaged cells are releasing

arachidonic acid.

Your body's converting it to prostaglandin,

which is triggering a fiesta

of enzymes necessary for pain.

Do you wanna throw up?

It's not gonna help.

It's gonna take about a minute

for the acid to dissipate

and your natural morphine to kick in.

- You know why I hit you?

- No! No!

Prozac has helped millions of people

overcome intractable mood disorders,

making miserable lives livable.

It's even helped me

with some of my own anger issues.

So when someone f*ck with my Prozac,

it upsets me.

You know what people say about me?

You're in the top ten nationally?

Why do you suppose that is?

f*ck you!

Why do you suppose that is?

Because I'm ex-Marine,

and I'll destroy anyone

who gets in my way.

Right.

sh*t.

Ow!

f*ck.

I'd ice that as soon as you can.

If it hurts in a few days, get an X-ray.

And stay away from Maggie.

Excuse me.

Are those more samples?

Yeah. Help yourself.

Thanks.

I got a job interview today.

Oh, that's great. That's great.

That's great.

Hello, ladies!

No samples today.

What do you mean?

I got great stuff for you!

No samples today, thank you.

She's just a friend.

No samples today. Sorry.

Okay. What's going on?

Trey got to you, didn't he?

What'd he give you?

No samples today, thank you. Hawaii.

Hawaii?

No samples today. Doctor's convention.

Sand and surf in Honolulu.

Wow. Okay.

Okay.

I got to get out of here.

You're not going to go see her, are you?

No.

Mmm-hmm.

Maggie!

Hi.

Hey, what's that?

Food.

- For?

- Eating.

They're my noodles!

You already

have a face full of noodles!

Jesus!

My God, you are so selfish.

You're just like my mother.

Did you sleep with your mother?

Ew!

- What?

- You know what?

She's cute, she's available, you'd love her.

The only thing is, she happens to

take up all the oxygen in the room

and hog all the closet space,

but other than that,

you two are perfect for each other.

Is she hotter than you?

I bet she's hotter than you.

She doesn't have a disease, either.

Does that work for you generally?

- What?

- Self-pity.

You are a shithead.

What?

Nothing.

This is nice.

Okay, I think it's time to

take off your clothes and jump me.

Wait. Am I not allowed to say that?

I don't know.

First you bring food,

and then you wanna spend the night,

and then you bring a change of clothes,

and then you bring a razor and,

oh, my God, it's a relationship.

I don't want a relationship.

Well, you can't guarantee

that now, can you?

You might actually have some kind of

latent humanity that

you don't know anything about.

You might like being

in a relationship, and...

Listen, I said this was nice.

I didn't ask you to marry me.

Well, I wouldn't want to be

with someone who was sick, either.

I'm sorry.

- Sorry.

- No.

I just... I did that before,

and it didn't...

It wasn't good.

I'd just been diagnosed,

and he was married.

He helped me, and it didn't end well. So...

It's Trey Hannigan, isn't it?

- Trey Hannigan? It was Trey Hannigan.

- Yeah, well...

Uh...

Are you in love with him?

No, I'm not in love with Trey Hannigan.

I was never in love with Trey Hannigan.

He was... Said he was in love with me.

Which was, you know, a problem.

- Can we just...

- Right, yeah.

- Yeah? Okay.

- Yeah.

- Please.

- Okay.

You get a special thank you

for bringing food.

I do?

Yes, you do.

Mmm.

- You know what?

- What?

What?

I got to pee.

- I'll be right back.

- All right.

Just give me a second, okay?

Okay.

Mmm.

Focus, focus, focus.

Should I keep going?

- This never happens.

- I'm aware.

I'm serious. It doesn't.

No, no, no. Don't worry about it.

It's me. I'm a jinx.

That's really helpful.

You know what? Why don't you

talk about all the other guys

that you slept with that couldn't get it up,

'cause then it would really like...

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Just calm down.

Just give me a minute.

Don't worry about it.

I am worried about it!

Jesus! Can you just please...

Just show me a little kindness?

Please.

Oh, you lying sack of sh*t!

You do have latent humanity.

- Do you know what's going on here?

- I just want to have sex.

Well, your body's telling you otherwise.

What is that supposed to mean?

Sit up.

- I don't want to sit up.

- Come on. Sit up. Sit up. Sit up. Come on.

All right. Now talk to me.

I don't want to talk.

What else are we going to do?

You've taken sex off the table.

Oh!

Come on. Come on.

Tell me how your day was.

- My day?

- Mmm-hmm.

So I sneak up to my room and

I white out the "D" so it looks like a "B,"

which I did flawlessly. It was undetectable.

And I go down to his study

and I hand him the paper.

And he gives me the face.

And I'm like, "What?"

Mmm-hmm.

And then, from behind his back,

he pulls out the g*dd*mn carbon copy

- that the school sent home.

- Oh, no!

- Yeah.

- Wow.

Genius. Genius.

- You're so competitive.

- No!

Yeah! Yes, you are. Oh, my God, I tell you

I'm involved with Trey Hannigan

and you can't get it up.

I could give a sh*t about Trey Hannigan.

All you care about is beating him!

- Bullshit!

- You know, it's so prehistoric.

All men care about is performance,

but they have an appendage

that doesn't work

if they're worried about performance.

Mmm. Well, you're an expert, so...

Okay. If I'm an expert,

then why is your company spending

billions making a drug

so that guys can get it up?

Oh, I wish.

It's true. I read it.

Pfizer's making a f*ck drug.

Where'd you read that?

I don't know. Ask your guys.

I don't know where I read it.

I'm a drug sl*t. I read everything.

- What drug?

- I don't know,

but it's hard to believe, isn't it?

It's hard to believe.

- It's gonna be pretty huge, though.

- Oh!

When I think of the size of the problem

and that it's growing larger, really...

- Really.

- I can't even imagine!

You know what I think...

To have found a solution

to the stiffest, hardest...

Wow.

- Pfizer must be swelling with pride.

- I'm gonna stop you.

No tickling! Stop!

Stop! No tickling! No, please!

Don't tickle me just

because you have a limp sense of humor!

Oh!

Hello.

Keep talking.

No more talking.

Who are all these old people?

Uh... Just some people I work with.

Wow. These are beautiful.

It looks like a photograph.

When did you do this?

Uh...

Back when I could hold a brush.

Here's your breakfast.

- Thanks.

- Yeah, well...

I'll call you.

- Don't.

- I will.

I'm not kidding.

I can't do this.

I told you.

Okay, then.

See you.

Your problem is

you don't know how to close!

You gotta tell the docs what they need.

Somebody says no,

that's when the fun starts.

That means you are in.

- My numbers are up.

- Your Zithromax is up. Big deal.

We're not going to Chicago on Zithromax.

Depressed people, Randall,

they're depressed every day.

You gotta move Zoloft.

- I want you to focus on Zoloft.

- Zoloft.

Counseling? Here's some counseling.

Stop being a f*cking b*tch.

Wait, did I use "you" language?

Trial separation.

I'm so sorry. I need to own my feelings.

f*cking pepperoni.

Let me rephrase that.

I feel that you should stop

being a f*cking b*tch!

So, I hear we're coming out

with a new sex drug.

- What are you talking about?

- Is it true?

- Where did you hear that?

- Heard it around.

Sildenafil citrate. It's a PDE-5 inhibitor.

They lucked into it during trials

for blood pressure medication.

Guys had massive boners the whole time.

Where did you hear that?

- What's it called?

- Viagra.

- I want it.

- Everybody wants it.

I could sell the sh*t out of it.

Can you see if there's some Tums

in there for me in the glove compartment?

- Bruce.

- Tums me, buddy.

Bruce.

Bruce. I want that account.

Why would I give it to you?

Who can sell a d*ck drug better than me?

Ten years, Jamie,

ten excruciating years of marriage.

It's like the lost decade.

Oh, my God!

I don't even know

how to hit on women anymore.

What do you do? What's your game?

You need an IBS.

Do you know what that is?

Irritable Bowel Syndrome?

An Initial Benefit Statement.

Tell them who you are, why you're there

and what you can do for them.

All right? And just be yourself, Josh.

- You'll be fine.

- Thank you very much.

Oh! Look who just walked in.

Now's your chance, "Closer. "

Show me what you got.

Show me.

Hey! Pfizer, how's your fist?

How's your jaw?

Randall, you know Stan Knight, right?

Stan, this is a bright young man

from Pfizer.

Yes, we've met.

- Yeah. How you doing?

- Fantastic.

New study on Zoloft,

So, I'm feeling good.

You'd do better selling him

if you got him laid.

Can you get me laid?

Stan's one of the more respected

diagnosticians in town,

but his real calling is p*ssy-hound.

Yes, and I think your real calling is pimp.

Now, you're banging Maggie Murdock,

aren't you?

Are.

You are.

Oh, God, those t*ts are unbelievable!

- So not fair!

- All right.

No, no. You don't see that a lot

in the neurologically damned.

What do you mean, "damned"?

You don't die from Parkinson's.

Well, it's not much of a life, now is it?

What do you mean? Interferon, L-dopa...

It slowed the progress

in the majority of cases.

Listen, Dr. Drug Rep.

You know less than sh*t, okay?

She's a sick girl.

Oh. Is that what you told your wife?

That's none of your f*cking business.

Maggie has all sorts of needs,

and I don't think a p*ssy like you

is up for the job.

Right, and a married man is?

- Whoa, whoa!

- You really want me to hit you again?

Chill out, man! Chill.

Wait! Don't get aggressive.

Don't get aggressive. Hey!

Whoa! Baby, okay. It's okay.

Inter-f*cking-feron, really?

- You know what?

- Hey.

Easy, easy.

- I'm going home.

- No, you're not.

- No, no, no. I'm going home.

- Good. Say hi to your wife.

I'm keeping my eyes on you, buddy.

That freaked me out.

He actually, physically hit you, didn't he?

Yeah, he did, and I was afraid

he was going to do it again.

He might have to up his meds,

that young man.

Or maybe he needs to change to

a drug that's proven more effective

in controlling aggressive behavior.

Zoloft produced 13% fewer outbursts

in a controlled study of adult males.

And I think it's...

Turn to your left.

Turn to your left right now.

Turn to your left.

Those two women, I know both of them.

Which one do you want to take home?

You're a superstar. Confidence is king.

Hey. What do you say we blow this joint,

and then each other?

Okay.

Thank you.

We ready?

- You okay, champ?

- No.

What are you doing? Are you calling her?

Hey, did she go down on you?

Farrah looks at my d*ck

like it's the Eye of Sauron.

Hello?

Did you call me?

No. I did not call you.

I think you did.

And what would I have said

if I had called you?

That you want to see me?

Well, that would be nice,

except I didn't call you.

Do you want to see me?

I'm hanging up now.

No. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

Why?

I like hearing the sound of your voice.

Bye, Randall.

Maggie!

You like hearing the sound of her voice?

Shut up.

Do you have a brain tumor?

Were you molested by a Care Bear?

Were you abducted by aliens?

You hate women.

Why else would you

screw so many of them?

It's time for you to overdose.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, she rejected you!

That's why you want her.

It's the first time in history

that's ever happened.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I was wondering something.

Aren't you rich?

Why are you sleeping on my couch?

You're my big brother.

Here.

For people who never entered puberty.

Take six.

All right.

- You all right?

- Can I pay by check?

Sam, remember I told you

that the pharmacies only take cash?

Maggie! Mag!

Um... But, listen,

why don't you just get on the bus,

we'll work it out there.

Okay? All right. Good.

Maggie, I want to talk to you.

I can't talk right now, all right?

- I'm getting on a bus to Canada.

- Canada?

Yes. Yes, Canada.

These people can't afford

to pay for their prescriptions here.

Maggie, will we have bathroom breaks?

Sophie, remember I told you

that there's a bathroom on the bus?

- Okay.

- Okay. Let's go.

- Okay. When do you get back?

- Never.

- Tomorrow night, late.

- How late?

Just forget about it, okay? Please?

I'm begging you.

Why don't you take a pen?

I'll send you a pamphlet

and an efficacy statement, okay?

What time is it, do you know?

Wow. Okay, I got to go.

I'll give you a call, okay?

We've come a long, long way together

Through the hard times and the good

I have to celebrate you, baby

I have to praise you like I should

...know.

Know how to handle large sums of money

with harmony and with love,

and that the truth is

that you have high ideals,

and that you are a person

of great personal integrity,

and you will keep your mind focused

upon financial prosperity.

Looks like you got

all your stuff, right? Okay. Good.

- You guys travel home safe.

- Thank you, sweetheart.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye.

- Bye, Maggie!

- Bye.

Hi.

When you end it, I get to hate you,

and act all cold,

and tell embarrassing stuff to my friends.

Okay.

And you don't get to move in,

or become friends with my friends,

or introduce me to your parents.

This is what this is, whatever this is.

Are you done?

Have you been here all night?

Yes.

Oh, Christ!

Why am I mad at you already?

Oh, Jamie. It's Brucie.

You want to meet me?

I've got a load of love in my trunk for you.

Something you're going to like.

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.

Call me, call me, call me.

You're gonna love me, love me...

Ah!

Jamie, it's Bruce. Where are you?

Who are you?

Let the games begin!

Make it hot! Make it hot!

Ooh, baby, do you know

what that's worth?

Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

Men with diabetes,

men with prostate cancer,

men with massive penile injuries.

Men with performance anxiety,

men with any common form of impotence

or sexual dysfunction.

Men without a useful erection in years!

Boing!

Minimum side effects, long-term safety.

This isn't a pill.

This is a revolution. Questions?

Yeah. Where are the samples?

Right here, baby. Right here.

You sure you want one? You want two?

Who wants two?

Did you see this? Bob Dole says

his TV commercials for Viagra

won't hurt his wife's campaign

for President.

He also says the Viagra commercials

won't hurt his campaign

to nail Heather Locklear.

The d*ck drug! That's my brother's!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Viagra, the little pill that has started

a gold rush for its manufacturer,

the drug giant Pfizer.

Jamie! Jamie! Hey!

- Ted Goldstein, ENT.

- Oh, Ted, hi. How are you?

I'm good. Look, I got this friend,

he's a radiologist.

He has a little problem. I thought maybe...

Say no more.

You're a gem.

Viagra is the first-ever pill

to treat impotence.

It's easy, it's effective,

and it's now wildly in demand.

Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

Oncologists are writing it,

shrinks are writing it,

gastroenterologists are writing it.

Pediatricians are writing it for themselves!

I mean, pharmacies could

stay open 24 hours

and they still couldn't meet the demand.

We're running 1,200 prescriptions a month.

That's more than my entire year's quota!

And you don't care.

About a bunch of old guys

with stiffies? Nope.

How can you be so callous?

Men are suffering worldwide

from shame and...

And frustration.

Oh, you're my little blue pill.

Oh, for God's sake.

No. What about this do you think is okay?

What are you...

I don't want to see this! No.

What the f*ck are you doing?

- No, no, no! This is too much information.

- I just need this.

Are you f*cking filming it?

Do you do, like, close-ups and sh*t?

Who holds it?

Hey.

Wake up.

Oh!

Again?

Maggie!

Come on. I'm an artist. This is work.

Oh, my God.

Say something.

You're just too weird.

Yeah, well...

Hi, there. Jamie Randall here.

Just reporting from bed,

having just f*cked my girlfriend.

- And...

- Don't use that word.

What? You use "f*ck" all the time.

No, not "f*cking. " "Girlfriend. "

That's what you are.

I am?

Yeah, you are.

I guess I am.

Jesus.

I lived in a place called Okfuskee

And I had a little girl in a holler tree

I said, "Little girl it's plain to see

"Ain't nobody that can sing like me

"Ain't nobody that can sing like me "

She said it's hard for me to see

How one little boy got so ugly

Yes, my little girly that might be

But there ain't nobody

that can sing like me

Ain't nobody that can sing like me

Way over yonder in the minor key

Way over yonder in the minor key

No, Mom.

No, it's not an aphrodisiac.

It's a vasodilator.

A vasodilator. No, Ma...

No, just... No, I...

Yeah, I've already sold

It's a lot of money.

Okay, I really can't talk.

Maggie needs me.

Okay, bye.

I thought you said

it was 1,200 prescriptions.

It is.

Well, why did you tell her 2,000?

Did I?

Are you kidding?

I don't know, it just sounded better.

You told your mother a lie

because it sounds better?

Look, she doesn't know numbers.

Do you tell me lies

because they sound better?

No!

Well, why did you do it with her?

Because she wants to

know that I'm doing well...

Okay, but you are doing well,

so why do you need

to make it sound better?

Okay, you know what?

I will call her back up right now,

and I will correct my mistake.

Okay?

Tell me four good things about yourself.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

Okay.

Four good things about myself.

I can...

Why are we doing this?

This is just... I don't...

You can't even think

of four good things about yourself.

What? I totally can!

Do you think that you're generous?

Do you think you're sweet?

Not particularly.

Do you think that you're smart?

Oh, my God!

Look at you.

You're this

talented,

charming, handsome, capable,

determined, smart man.

I am?

Yes, you are.

I can juggle.

- Does it make it longer?

- Time or inches?

- How come we can't take it?

- You can.

Are you saying

that we can get hard?

There is some indication

of increased lubrication.

- If they come inside you, does it burn?

- No.

How about in your mouth?

Jamie, we want more Viagra!

- More! More Viagra!

- More Viagra!

Stan! Come here. Come over here!

Ladies, this is Dr. Stan Knight,

king of all internists.

Right? And this is...

Cassie.

But my friends call me Lisa.

Lisa wants to marry a doctor, so good luck.

Oh, dear.

Ladies, next round is on me! Okay?

Nice jacket, man.

Did you get laid?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Six times.

- Mmm.

I was scared that you were.

You're crazy.

What?

Is everything okay?

Jamie... Honey?

- Honey, your heart's beating really fast.

- I know.

What's...

Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie.

Jamie. It's okay. It's okay.

Talk to me.

I...

I...

Okay, you know what? Just breathe.

Don't even worry about it.

Just breathe.

It's okay.

I...

- I love you.

- What?

Just give me a second, okay?

Oh, God, I do.

Uh...

- No, you don't.

- Don't touch me!

Okay.

Do you want a glass of water?

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- No, it's fine. It's fine.

- A little water?

- Yeah, water.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, see? Here you go. Here you go.

Okay.

- I love you. I can't stop saying it.

- You don't...

- Just stop saying that, okay?

- I can't. I love you.

You don't understand.

I've never said that to anyone before.

- You've never said "I love you"?

- No.

You never said it to your parents?

No.

- You never said it to your brother?

- Ugh!

Jesus, you're more f*cked up than I am.

I once said it to a cat.

- Okay, that makes me feel better.

- It does? Okay, good.

You can hold me now.

Okay.

Oh!

Joshie!

That is disgusting.

Jamie, I didn't know

you were coming home!

Oh!

Hey.

Listen, it's not what it looks like, okay?

Well, it kind of is, but...

Okay, just chill.

Yeah, chill. Oh, I'm sorry,

I thought I just caught my brother

masturbating while watching me have sex.

Well, I was focusing on her.

Oh, "her. "

- You mean my girlfriend! I'm sorry.

- No.

Not on her!

On her body parts!

Does video make everything look bigger?

Because I didn't think

her t*ts were that big.

Then I saw you,

and I was like, "What,

did an anaconda get loose on the bed?"

This is so twisted.

Do you think Dad's big?

I mean, he was when we were kids,

but then everything's bigger

when you're a kid, right?

Fine! Okay? Sorry!

My self-esteem would prefer

that you not have a bigger p*nis

than me right now, that's all!

Shh! Shh!

Don't be mad.

Run, Josh. Run, Josh.

Run, Joshie.

We can talk about this like men!

Ow! You're gonna ruin the tape!

No normal human being

can possibly fit in this back seat.

That definition excludes you, Josh.

I'd literally be more comfortable

in the back of a Hot Wheels right now.

I've lost all feeling in my legs.

- Are you okay?

- No!

I'm not talking to you, Josh.

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

Okay.

He's waiting for you.

- So, how are you doing?

- Fine. How's Maggie?

Come in!

- Whoa!

- No, come in, come in.

Testosterone, man.

Chicago's in two days. I must prepare.

It's a f*cking orgy

masquerading as a medical convention.

- You're coming, aren't you?

- I don't know.

- Oh, right. How's she doing?

- She's great.

Well, I'm not. I need a break.

HMOs are k*lling me. k*lling me!

I need a lot of loosely moraled women

to throw themselves at me. Hard.

Speaking of which...

Oh, you are a god! You're a god, sir!

You're really not coming to this?

You could do something for me.

Yeah, what's that?

You could start prescribing Zoloft

instead of Prozac.

Um...

Well, Trey's a friend of mine, man.

I know. I know.

- Sure. Zoloft. Okay. Why not?

- Great.

- Hey!

- Hey.

How was your day?

Amazing.

Mmm?

You?

Me? My day was...

My day was swell.

- I went to the clinic...

- You did?

...for a scrip

and waited for three hours sitting next

to a man with a fork stuck in his head.

- What?

- Yep.

And then I went

to the pharmacy to get the scrip filled.

Which was closed,

so no meds for Maggie.

Are you okay?

Why, do I look like sh*t?

- I didn't say that.

- Yeah.

You didn't say. You didn't say it out loud.

Thanks, I'd love one.

Sorry.

You think maybe you've had enough?

Nope, I don't, but you do.

Excuse me?

Tell me, Randall, what exactly is it

about me that's so desirable?

There's going to be 600 girls

dying to blow you at this convention.

- Well, I'm not going to the convention.

- Why not?

Go out with some sexy, limber

ex-cheerleader from Alabama,

who's just dying to discuss

market projections and sales techniques.

Or just a hot HMO administrator

who likes to bake cookies

and rub your head

while you discuss the evils of generics.

Or just, you know, I don't know,

a normal person,

who has energy and likes to do things

and have fun!

I happen to want you.

Why? Why? What are you trying to prove?

Are you trying to show

that you're not a flake?

Are you trying to stick with something

for once in your g*dd*mn life?

I mean, you do realize

that you are not a good person

because you pity-f*ck the sick girl, right?

I almost went home with

someone from the clinic today.

All right.

- There, you see?

- All right.

Don't forget your pager.

Come with me to Chicago.

- Keith! How you doing, man?

- Jamie. Good.

So good to see you.

Everything going well?

I'm going to go off and do some girly thing,

whatever that is.

- How will I reach you?

- I'll beep you.

Stage One?

I'm sorry?

My son's a Stage Three.

It's not obvious, don't worry.

We're across the street.

Whenever you get tired of this bullshit

and want to hear what's really going on...

Thank you.

f*ck soup.

f*ck shoelaces.

f*ck jewelry. And f*ck brushing teeth.

- f*ck...

- Trying to tie your tie. f*ck...

Trying to button down a shirt.

And f*ck that meditation sh*t.

And who knew God wanted us

to be so good

at giving hand jobs?

My husband is always smiling.

Parkinson's has made me

more sensitive and more compassionate.

Hopefully, got a long way to go in all this.

I feel good, and...

So, it's a constant battle of

trying to maintain some dignity

and grace in society.

And to overcome that,

you just live with what you have.

Offering to hold the kid for just a minute,

and he ends up in that tree over there.

One of my girlfriends asked me once

if she could get me anything.

I said, "How about a new brain?

Nothing fancy. "

She said, "My husband's not using his. "

Wait. Wait.

Never mind. Sorry.

I thought I heard a cure coming.

But there are good things.

You have to understand

that you're still yourself.

You're still there. And life goes on.

And life is beautiful. Thank you.

Parkinson's, right?

Oh, no. No.

No, your wife.

Girlfriend.

Stage One.

Good days and bad days, huh?

Mostly good days.

You?

Wife. Since '73.

Stage Four.

You got any advice?

- You don't need my advice.

- Come on. I'm very trainable.

My advice is to go upstairs,

pack your bags, and leave a nice note.

Find yourself a healthy woman.

I love my wife. I do.

But I wouldn't do it over again.

The thing nobody tells you,

this disease will steal

everything you love in her.

Her body, her smile, her mind.

Sooner or later, she'll lose motor control.

Eventually, she won't even

be able to dress herself.

Then, the fun really begins.

Cleaning up her sh*t.

Frozen face. Dementia.

It's not a disease, it's a Russian novel.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm out of line.

Hang in there.

Did you realize there are

other people with Parkinson's?

How remarkable!

Amazing people. People doing things.

Like this one woman runs marathons,

and another one scuba dives.

And they're pissed off

and they're tired of being marginalized.

Oh, my God, they are so cool!

I feel good. I feel really good.

I feel better than I

have felt in a long time,

and you brought me here.

I mean, okay, whatever,

it was the wrong convention, sure, but...

Jamie, I... Jamie.

- I have been such a b*tch to you.

- Oh, no.

And you didn't even run away.

How is that possible?

It's like, this is...

Like, the first time in my life that I've

ever not felt alone.

That someone is there for me.

Do you know what that means?

Oh, my God.

I love you.

I do.

I love you. I love you, I love you.

I really love you.

- Hey.

- Hey.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I fell asleep.

A cure for Parkinson's?

That's what I'm asking.

Pfizer, I'm a GP.

Twenty universities, 15 teaching hospitals,

every major drug company,

and the g*dd*mn NIH

are all working on this.

And I'm sure the second they find it,

you're gonna be

the first in line to sell it to me.

Well, in the meantime, she gets worse.

What is this, General Hospital?

What do you want me to do?

I want you to feel bad about it, Stan.

If I felt bad about every patient

that I couldn't help,

then I don't make it through the day.

What are the cutting edge treatments?

I don't know.

You want me to get you a list?

Great. Tomorrow.

Pfizer, you're a nice kid.

You're starting to do well.

You sure you want to do this?

And a list of doctors,

and someone who I can contact at NIH.

Thank you, Stan.

Sure.

See this green area here?

I'm sorry.

Tell me, anybody

You okay?

Take the Z-Pak. Okay?

Jesus!

Do you really give a damn for me?

I'm sorry, Mr. Randall.

That credit card is declined.

About a thing that's bothering me

The benefits of chelation,

every toxic metal is removed.

I was a rambling pony

We've achieved complete remission

in patients with

advanced metastatic cancer,

MS...

f*ck!

...Parkinson's, lupus.

This therapy changes people's lives.

He forgot "world peace. "

Are you saying to me

that we flew 2,000 miles,

on our own nickel, so you can tell me

that our appointment's been postponed?

For two weeks?

I'd like to talk to Dr. Rosenblum, okay?

Do I look like I care?

I don't give a sh*t where he is!

I don't understand...

Get the head of the hospital on the phone.

We've arranged our entire schedule

around that,

and then you come and you tell me...

No, you don't understand. Okay?

We waited two weeks...

I would like to talk

to the head of the hospital about it.

Hey.

Hey.

- I am so fed up with those people.

- I want to go home.

Okay, look, we can do the test,

and then go home, okay?

Randall.

There's just all this red tape

and all this new protocol...

Don't try to sell me! Please! Okay?

I'm not going to get better.

- That's bullshit.

- This is bullshit. I'm tired and I'm bored.

What are you bored of?

Parkinson's isn't my life!

I have Parkinson's.

Why can't I just live my life

instead of becoming this project?

Do you know that

what's ahead of me is bad enough?

- Don't you want to get...

- No!

You want. This has become

way too important to you.

What are you talking about?

Don't you want to get better?

Yes! Desperately! It's not going to happen.

All right? News flash, there's no cure.

Apparently you need to know

that I'll get better in order to love me.

That's insane.

You need to get your stuff

out of my apartment.

What the hell?

You're on the fast track, Randall.

Chicago, then management.

Next stop, CEO.

You can't do that

with a sick person holding you back.

I can do anything I want.

I know.

You're a good man.

In fact, you're a wonderful man.

Much better

than you give yourself credit for.

Nobody wants to be

the one who runs away.

- I'm not running away.

- It's not your choice.

Let's just go home.

We can even make love.

And then you have to leave.

This is so stupid.

Stop.

We don't have to do this.

Good-bye.

Hi. You have reached M. Murdock.

If I'm not picking up, it's probably

because I don't want to talk to you.

This is actually sad.

Are you trying to get it

in the actual garbage,

or just around it, to piss it off?

Stan! What's up?

What's f*cking up is your friend,

Lisa-Cassie, whatever her name is,

is having a pajama party

at some rich guy's house this evening.

Pajama party?

What's a pajama party?

Is that, like, girls wearing pajamas?

Getting naked?

I thought maybe you might bring by

a little vitamin V, some little men in blue.

Stan, I'd love to. I don't think I can.

I'm feeling a little...

What are you doing?

Yes, Stan, it's me, Jamie.

I'll totally be there. See you later. Bye.

Hey, you and I are going to a pajama party.

So, you should get ready,

'cause I'm in pajamas.

I'm having second thoughts, Jamie.

I haven't been to a pajama party

since 4th grade.

What if people start

taking their clothes off?

Oh, my God! I didn't want

to come here in the first place.

You're the one who wanted to come.

Will people have to see me naked?

I can't even pee in front of other people.

You have a beautiful body.

I don't know how many times I have

to tell you, you have a beautiful body.

It's actually very upsetting

when you say that.

Well, look who's here!

How working class. Love it.

Come in.

How the f*ck am I supposed to do

good medicine on 50 patients a day?

Plus rounds.

And phone calls every day with family...

f*cking idiots,

telling you, "No, you're wrong,"

because they looked it up on the Internet.

I fight over billing,

I fight over prescription coverage.

The insurance companies

are dedicated to not paying you.

And the big law firms, man,

they're just waiting.

They're just betting you're going to

make that one big mistake.

This profession for me,

it was a higher calling.

You know? Make people's lives better.

And look at me.

Here they are, for Christ's sake.

Randall, get up from the floor!

Come with me.

Come with me. Come on! Come on!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you all right?

Go forth, my son. Be fruitful and multiply.

The thing about the software business

is it's very, very volatile.

You never know where

the financial model's going to go.

It changes every six months.

And you never know

what these hospitals are gonna want.

One day

it's peer-to-peer connectivity,

then next it's top-down integration

with their preexisting infrastructure.

You can touch them, if you want.

Oh! Oh.

Thank you.

- This way. You'll see.

- No, no, no.

- I don't think we should do this.

- I have a surprise for you.

No, no, no. Turn around.

I've got a surprise.

This is my homegirl, Khae.

Whoa!

She's Thai.

And I'm Thai-curious.

Engine turning over won't you start?

This one's come to tear me all apart

She's Jamie-curious.

Be still my heart

- So am I.

- No, no, wait. I don't...

Engine turning over won't you start?

This one's come to tear me all apart

Be still my heart

Did I mention that

I just took my company public?

It's a pretty exciting thing

because you work

on something for so long,

and then

when it comes, it's...

You know, you see the fruits bear...

Okay! So, I really have

mixed feelings about this.

We like Jamie.

We like Jamie very much.

Oh. Oh.

What's wrong?

Sorry! I'm sorry!

- Josh!

Be careful.

- I'm sorry. Stan.

Hey, Pfizie.

Josh! Ow!

Josh! Oh!

Wait! We were just talking!

- Hi.

- Hi. We got to go.

Now?

- Josh!

- It was a pleasure to meet you.

- Very nice to meet you.

We'll keep in touch.

It feels like a frozen Popsicle.

sh*t. I didn't know that could even happen.

It's very rare, but it happens.

- Do you think they'll have to amputate?

- Shut the f*ck up, Josh, and drive!

Bad joke.

f*ck! Sorry. I was looking for the shift!

- So f*cking...

- Sorry.

You know, for whatever it's worth,

this has truly been

the best night of my life.

That's wonderful.

No, seriously. I'm not even kidding.

And I have you to thank for it.

I mean, I never thought I would have

an experience like this ever in my life.

And this is the incredible thing.

This is why I'm so happy right now.

Because I f*cked that girl.

Oh, my sh*t, I f*cked that girl!

And I'm thinking to myself,

"Oh, my God, this is empty!

I feel absolutely nothing at all! "

- That's great, Josh.

- Yeah.

All those years I was so jealous of you

for having empty sex,

and now I was the one

having the empty sex,

and I realized in that moment

that if I hadn't experienced it,

I wouldn't have known

how much I didn't want it. You know?

And now I can go back home to Farrah

and feel really good about myself

for the first time in my entire life.

And it's all because of you, Jamie.

It's all because of my big brother Jamie,

with the enormous c*ck

that won't go down!

So thank you, brother!

Sorry! My bad!

Plus, my Pfizer stock's up 40%.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Can I help you?

- I'm having a drug reaction.

What kind of drug reaction?

Oh. Oh.

Just take a seat

and we'll be right with you.

What?

Chicago.

I got it.

Dude. Congratulations!

That is unbelievable.

Jamie, that's everything that

you've wanted. That's incredible, man.

I'm very proud of you. I'm not surprised,

but I am very proud of you.

You know who's going to be thrilled,

is Mom and Dad.

Jamie Randall makes good.

That's incredible, man.

You should be very, very proud of yourself.

Mmm.

If you're going to serve beef bourguignon,

you should at least offer

a proper Burgundy.

Or a Pinot, for Christ's sake.

Randall.

Maggie.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is Jeremy.

- Justin.

- Justin! Justin.

I'll go get the car.

That would be great, Justin.

I... I was...

I tried to call you...

I'm with someone.

Yeah, I can see that.

So...

How are you?

I'm good.

Good.

Come on.

I gotta go.

Maggie?

It

was nice to see you.

You're k*lling me, Randall.

- Hey. There he is! You ready to celebrate?

- Hey.

Maggie!

- Hi, Bruce.

- How are you?

What are you celebrating?

This young rock star is about to

take Chicago by storm.

You got Chicago?

Congratulations. It was good

to see you, Bruce. I should go.

Nice to see you, Maggie.

Peace.

Uh...

So, I called it, didn't I call it?

What'd I tell you? Say, "I called it. "

- You should've put money on it.

- I called it.

Where you gonna live?

Downtown, maybe.

Somewhere far away from my family.

Downtown?

You? You want Near North, man.

p*ssy!

And bistros, bars,

p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy.

Why don't I move out near you?

The 'burbs.

We'll go get a beer every once in a while.

Nah. You don't want to do that. No.

Why not?

I got a big raise, buddy. Big raise.

- You're kidding me.

- Thanks to you!

Those b*stards.

Buddy, I was never going to get Chicago.

I'm too valuable to them in the field.

I can't believe this.

Give me some credit!

It takes a sophisticated eye

to spot talent in colossal f*ck-ups

such as yourself.

- I don't understand.

- Don't be so naive.

I didn't actually want to go to Chicago.

I wanted you to think

I wanted to go to Chicago,

so you'd want to go to Chicago.

So you'd work your a*s off to get there.

- Oh, Bruce, this is unbelievable.

- Me,

I love the road! I love a stinky motel!

I love the barren back roads

and strip malls of the heartland!

That's what I love.

Why would I want to live

in my own house?

That I pay for?

Why would I want to

watch my kids play Little League?

Why the f*ck would I want to

sleep in the same bed as my wife?

Why the f*ck would I wanna do that?

Okay, so...

Okay, so...

- What's...

- Talk?

- Yeah.

- All right.

- Hi, there. Hi. I'm Maggie Murdock.

- Hello!

I'm about to have

delicious reprobate sex with...

What's your name?

Oh, come on.

Oh, right, right. Jamie something.

And we're taping it so that he can

always remember how totally hot I am.

Was.

Kids, if you're watching this,

you put it back in Mommy's

secret hiding spot right now

or you will be sorry.

There will be consequences!

What else?

Um...

Just how happy I am,

in this moment, right now.

The way the light's

hitting that face of yours.

There's this little breeze

coming in through the window.

It doesn't matter if I have 10,000

more moments like this, or

just this one, because

it's all the same.

Yeah. Just that.

Right now, this moment.

I have this.

No. Damn it!

Richard! Richard!

Where is she?

I been drifting along

in the same stale shoes

Loose ends tying the noose

in the back of my mind

Come on! Come on.

Hey!

Hey!

To where the puzzles and pagans lay

Maggie!

Hey! Mag!

Jamie?

Pull over.

No, I can't "pull over"!

Just for a second! Pull over!

I need to talk

to you.

I don't want to talk to you.

When I wake up

someone will sweep up my lazy bones

And we will rise in the cool of the evening

Wait, wait. Okay.

Open the door. Okay.

Sorry.

- I need you.

- Please go away.

I drove a really long way to say that.

What? Am I supposed to be impressed?

I don't know. Yes.

Look, can you just get off the bus

so we can talk for a second?

- Just for a second.

- We're on a schedule.

Five minutes. Please.

You guys don't mind

if we take five minutes, do you?

He's handsome.

- Five minutes.

- He is.

Five minutes, then I'll let you go.

I'm full of sh*t, okay?

No, I'm knowingly full of sh*t.

Because...

Because...

I have...

I have never cared about anybody,

or anything, in my entire life.

And the thing is,

everybody just kind of accepted that.

Like, "That's just Jamie! "

And then you...

Jesus.

You.

You.

You didn't see me that way.

I have never known anyone

who actually believed that I was enough.

Until I met you.

And then you made me believe it, too.

So, unfortunately,

I need you.

And you need me.

No, I don't.

- Yes, you do.

- No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

Stop it. Stop saying that.

- You need someone to take care of you.

- No, I don't.

Everybody does.

I'm going to need you

more than you need me.

- That's okay.

- No, it's not!

It isn't fair.

I have places to go.

You'll go there.

I just may have to carry you.

I can't ask you to do that.

You didn't.

Hey,

let's just say in some

alternate universe,

there's a couple that's just like us, okay?

Only she's healthy and he's perfect.

And their world is about how much money

that they're gonna spend on vacation,

or who's in a bad mood that day,

or whether they feel guilty

about having a cleaning lady.

I don't want to be those people.

I want us.

You.

This.

I used to worry a lot about

who I'd be when I grew up.

You know,

like how much money I'd make or...

Someday I'd become some big deal.

Sometimes the thing you most want

doesn't happen.

And sometimes the thing

you never expect to happen, does.

Like giving up my job in Chicago

and everything,

and deciding to stay

and apply to med school.

I don't know.

You meet thousands of people,

and none of them really touch you.

And then you meet one person,

and your life is changed forever.

Suppose I never ever saw you

Suppose we never ever called

Suppose I kept on singing love songs

Just to break my own fall

Just to break my fall

Just to break my fall

Just to break my fall

Break my fall

Break my fall

All my friends say

that of course it's gonna get better

Gonna get better

Better, better, better, better

Better, better, better!

I never love nobody fully

Always one foot on the ground

And by protecting my heart truly

I got lost in the sounds

I hear in my mind all of these voices

I hear in my mind all of these words

I hear in my mind all of this music

And it breaks my heart

And it breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices

I hear in my mind all of these words

I hear in my mind all of this music

And it breaks my heart

And it breaks my heart

It breaks my heart

When it breaks my heart

When it breaks my heart

When it breaks my heart

Breaks my heart

When it breaks my heart

When it breaks my heart

When it breaks my heart

When it breaks my heart