01x15 - The Second Coming of Leonard

[bunniefuu]

Okay, the doctor said this is gonna makeyou feel a whole lot better.

[ Blows Nose ]

- What is it?

- Well, you gotyour chai hu you gotyour sheng jiang and you got a little tree fungus.

Or maybe it's a bug.

I don't know.

- I'm sorry.

My doctor said this?

- No, mine said this.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Okay.

Trying to swim.

Trying to swim.

Ah! Okay, you live there now.

Dharma, I don't want something from a cauldron.

- I want something from a store.

- Honey.

I know what I'm doing.

Nowyou put this crystal around your neck.

- You go lie down.

- [ Groans ]

Oh, yeah.

This'll do it.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

Got the golden seal, the echinacea and the garlic paste.



- Did you get the leeches?



- You're kidding.

Maybe.

Now put the crystal back on.

Hey, snot boy, you feeling any better?

No.



- Want to?



- What are you talking about?

On myway back from the health food store, I made a quick stop on Earth and picked up something you might be interested in.

What'd you get?

What'd you get?

Nighttime sniffling, sneezing, aching, fever so

-you

-don't

-wake

-up

-for

-three

-days medicine.



- Gimme!

- Not so fast.

Fifty bucks.

Fifty bucks?

It only cost you, like, eight dollars.

Eight for the green stuff,

- Not to tell Dharma what?



- Nothing.

I'll writeyou a check.

Any other dr*gs you're addicted to that I should know about?



- No.



- [Knocking]

Don't buy any more ofthis stufffrom Jane.

It doesn't do anything.

It just makes you feel better.

[ Whining ]

That's what I want.

Hi.

Does Dharma Finkelstein still live here?

Maybe.

Got any nose spray?

That stuffwon't do anything foryou.

It'll just makeyou feel better.

Dharma, there's a friend ofyours here.

Shut up! Oh, my God! Leonard! [ Laughing ]



- When did you get back?



- Last night.



- Oh.



- Hey, Stinky, Nunzio.

Leonard

- Leonard, I want you to meet my husband, Greg.



- You got married?



- I know.

Wow.

Congratulations.

Hey, man.

You gotyourselfthe most wonderful woman in the world.

Thanks.

I know.

How do you know?

Oh, Greg, sorry.

This is Leonard.

We used to be lovers.

Oh, how nice.

I mean

- Not nice, but I guess I already said "nice" so we'll go with "nice.

" Don't worry, man.

It's ancient history.

Oh, I'm not worried.

Since you bring it up, I studied ancient history at Harvard before I went to Stanford and then became a U.

S.

attorney.

Honey, why areyou standing on your tippy toes?

Hey, would you mind ifl tried something on you I learned in India?



- What?



-Just relax.

Oh, yeah.

Here's the problem.

Wow.

Hang on a second.

You're under a lot of stress, aren't you?

And it's increasing.

Okay, now take a deep breath.



- I can't.

[ Coughs ]



- Try anyway.

[ Exhales ]

[ Laughing ]

Hey! Where'd the snot go?

It's only temporary.

You have to follow that up with some tea of chai hu.



- Maybe a little sheng jiang.



- Sheng jiang.

Got that covered.



- Dharma, you look great.



- Oh, God.

So doyou.

This is my, uh, sick bathrobe.



- Hey, doyou want something to drink?



- Got any beet juice?

Just made some this morning.

God.

Some cosmic way, I must have "knew" you were coming.

[ Chuckles ]

Could have warned me.

So, how was India?

I can't even describe

- It just changed my entire perspective.

I got to the point where I could fast for an entire month.

A whole month with no food and no sex?



- How'd you know he didn't have sex?



- He took a vow of celibacy.

Celibacy?

Oh, that's great.

I mean

- Not great foryou, but great for

- Well, we'll just go with great.

So how long haveyou been celibate?

Since the last time we

- I was your last?

Aw.

Aw.

That must have been at least a year ago.

Ha.

We did it last night.



- So areyou back for good, or

-

- Or for evil?

Yeah, I'm back for good.

I'm gonna teach some ofthe meditation techniques I've learned.



- Make a couple ofbucks, huh?



- No.

No, all the money goes to free Tibet.

Oh.

I know whatyou mean about giving something back.



- I'm a big brother myself.



- Really?

Since when?

I'm on the waiting list, okay?

So where areyou staying?

I'm just gonna stay in a hostel until I find a place.

Oh, don't do that.

Don't waste all that money.

Stay here.

We'll fix up the couch.

Right, Greg?



- Sure.



- Yeah.

Unless you want me to hammeryou a bed of nails.

Very funny.

Really?

Wasn't supposed to be.

Greg, I know this must be really uncomfortable foryou but I reallywant to thankyou for making Leonard feel so welcome.

Hey, we'll all grown

-ups.

No problem.

You know, I think I'm feeling better.



- Really?



- [ Sneezes ]

Honey, I don't think you're up for this.

[ Congested ]

I am ready for love.

[ Laughs ]

"Lub"?

What's "lub"?

Lub, lub! Hot, monkey lub!

- Greg, stop it.

You're scaring me.



- [ Coughing ]

Honey?

Tell the truth.

Doyou want to have sex just because Leonard's downstairs?

I want to have sex because I loveyou.

I want it to be loud because Leonard's downstairs.

Actually, you know what I was thinking?

I was thinking about us trying celibacy for a while.

What?

Well, I mean, we have sex every day.

Ha.

Why didn'tyou mention that downstairs?

Honey, I think our sex life is wonderful, but think of

- Think ofall that energy that we could be putting into other areas of our relationship.

What other areas?

Oops.

That's the wrong question, isn't it?

I'm just talking about a few weeks.

We could explore each other on a much more intimate spiritual level.

You mean like talking?

Oops.

Did it again.

Fine.

We'll just keep having sex.

How did that become a bad thing?

Nothing.

I just thought we'd try something new but maybe it's just more ofa Leonard thing.

Anything that Leonard can not do, I can not do.

Thankyou.

I loveyou.



- Good night.



- Yeah.

[ Groans ]

Oh, God.

Okay, okay, so let me get this straight.



- She's convinced you to be celibate.



- Yeah.



- While she's at home with the old boyfriend.



- Right.

Who hasn't had sex in a year.



- What's your point, Pete?



- My point?

My point is, I lost two grand on the Super Bowl my cat has the runs yet my life is better than yours.

They broke up when he left for India.

They even had a parting ceremony.

"A parting ceremony"?

What the hell's a parting ceremony?

A ceremony.

A spiritual ceremony where two souls going on different paths rejoice and then part.

So basically, theywere boffing the whole way to the Greyhound station, huh?

Don't screw with me, buddy.

I'm living on stinky tea and I'm celibate.

Mr.

Montgomery, yourwife's on line one.

Marlene, do something here.



- Will that be all?



- Yeah.

Thanks, Marlene.



- Hi, honey.



- [ Dharma ]

Areyou busy?

No, I'm just in a little meeting with Pete.

He's insane.

Sleep with him.



- What did he say?



- [ Greg ]

He wants you to sleep with me.

Aw.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Listen.

Leonard and I are over atyour folks' and my folks are here, and Jane and we're hoping that when you're doneyou can come join us.



- Leonard is at my parents' house?



- Mm

-hmm.



- Dharma.



- Hold on one sec.

Your mom wants to talk to you.



- Hang on.



- [ Chuckles ]

Gregory?

Darling?

Oh, you must come over.

Leonard is telling the most delicious stories about his travels through the Orient.



- Mother, doyou realize who Leonard is?



- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's Dharma's old boyfriend.

But they had a parting ceremony.

It's over.

He's charming.

Now hurry.

[ Dial Tone ]

I could have a mysterious burning sensation and my life would still be better than yours.

You're coming with me.

So I'm in Nepal, and I'm driving this monk back to his monastery.

I have no idea where it is, and he's taken a vow ofsilence.



- No! Sowhat did you do?



- [ Laughing ]

Hewound up staying with me for six months.



- And talked in his sleep every night.



- [ Laughs ]



- [Kitty]

Isn't that fiunny?



- Hi, everybody.



- Hey, Greg.



- Hello, Gregory.

Go on, Leonard.

Go on.

Dharma, what's everybody doing here?

Well, Leonard was hanging out with my folks

-

- Oh, your folks like Leonard?



- Oh, they love him.

They love him.

That's nice.

Anyway, theywere all talking about how hard it is for my folks to get along with your folks so Leonard suggested we get them all together and next thing you know, Larry and Edward are playing Hacky Sack in the driveway and your mom insists we stay for dinner and Pictionary.

My

-They get together all the time.

There's never Hacky Sack.

There's never Pictionary.

I know.

Weirdest thing.

That kindofistuffialways happens when Leonard's around.

J ust something about him.

Who is this man from Nazareth?

So this guru could raise his body temperature at will?

Yeah, and every time he did it he'd say "Is it hot in here, or is itjust me?

"

- Uh, Mother?



- Yes?

What?

Where did he get those pants?

Oh! Oh, oh, oh.

Leonard gave all ofhis clothes awaywhen he was in India to the poor and so I was just inspired, and I gave him all your old clothes.

What?

Without even asking me?

Gregory, you're so materialistic.

So it's settled?

We'll all go camping in Sedona next weekend.

Oh, Larry, I think Greg's working.

Oh, you wanted Greg to come?

Don'tyou think it's a little inappropriate having her ex

-boyfriend here?

[ Chuckles ]

Doyou realize he knows Richard Gere?

Greg, is this difficult foryou?

Oh, you mean Leonard?

Oh, no, I'm fine about that.

Oh, good, good, 'cause I wanted to invite him to staywith us after he's done staying with your parents.

My parents invited him to stay?

Yeah.

I know

- That tends to happen around Leonard.



- There's just something about him.



- Something about him.

Gregory.

, didyou know that Leonard broke the scoring record at Notre Dame?

You remember Notre Dame.

My old alma mater

- The school that wasn't good enough foryou.

So, I, uh, hearyou're keeping the cobra in the basket, huh?

[ Chuckles ]

The celibacy?



- Yeah.



- Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Is that, like, a requirement with your religion?

No, it's just a choice.

A lot of us actually believe you can find enlightenment through sex.

In fact, there's a sacred body ofteaching called tantric sex which turns love

-making into a religious experience.

Talk to me.

Well, it has to do with focusing energy being in tune with the body and

- Here.

Let me showyou.

Jane?

Can I borrowyou a second?



- Sure.



- The body is dotted with pleasure points Iike right here, on the inside ofthe elbow.

Just touch it with a little bit of pressure and

- [ Panting ]

It can cause waves and waves of ecstasy.

Thankyou,Jane.

I'm sitting next toyou at dinner.

Teach me, master.

Ah! God, it was such a great night, wasn't it?

I had no idea Leonard was an origami expert.

You didn't let him touch your elbow, did you?



- No.

Why?



- Never mind.

Let's just go to sleep.



- Greg?



- What?

I don't wanna be celibate anymore.

He did touch your elbow, didn't he?



- What's wrong with you?



- What's wrong with me?



- Yeah.



- I'll tell you what's wrong with me.



- I hate Leonard.



- Whoa.

What?

I hate his inner peace.

I hate his celibacy.

I hate his rushing record.

I hate the way he looks in my pants.

He looked in your pants?

No, no.

He's wearing my old pants.

And I don't want him in our life anymore.

I know it's selfish, I know it's unenlightened but I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.



- Okay.



- Okay?



- Mm

-hmm.



- That's

- That's it?

"Okay"?

He's a friend.

You are my husband.

And if it's bothering you, we won't have him around anymore.

Wow.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

I'll call him and tell him in the morning.

No, no, no.

I'm the one with the problem.



- I'll tell him.



- Okay.

Whatyou doin'?

Apparently nothing.

Well, it sounds like everything you're angry about is in the past.

Well, it sounds like everything you're angry about is in the past.

Yeah?

So?

So the past doesn't exist anymore and there's no point in being anxious about the future because that doesn't exist either.

You're right.

What areyou feeling right now?

Oh.

I feel calm and serene

- And love.

I feel all this love foryou.

I feel love foryou too, Marlene.



- Marlene?



- Not now, damn it! Hey, Greg, Pete.

Leonard, what areyou doing here?

What are you doing here?

I was wondering ifyou guys wanted to see the Bulls play the Warriors tonight.

You've got seats for that game?

No, not really.

Phil Jackson asked me to do a meditation workshop with the Bulls, so we'll have to sit on the bench.



- The bench?

The bench with the Chicago Bulls on it?



- Uh

-huh.

The Michael Jordan Chicago Bulls?

Yeah, I guess.

So what doyou say?

Love to.

Come on, Leonard.

Let's go get my coat.

So how sleazy doyou feel right now?

Ask me at halftime.

What doyou mean, we can't see Leonard anymore?

It just

- It's really awkward for Greg.



- Well, can't we see him on our own?



- Abby, come on.

What ifGreg and I just showed up one day and Leonard was there?

Well, maybeyou should start calling beforeyou come over.

[Knocking]

[ Sighs, Groans ]



- Hello.



- Hello.

Oh.

Where's Leonard?

He's not staying here anymore.

I thought he was staying with you.

Oh, yes, but he didn't come home to dinner, so I thought he might be over here.

Actually, I made him a little something.



- You cooked?



- Well

- I know he's a vegetarian, so I just whipped up a lettuce, tomato and avocado sandwich.

It took her an hour and a half.

We're not allowed to see Leonard anymore.

What?

Whynot?

Apparentlyyour son is uncomfortable with having him around.

Hi.

Thought I heard someone come up the elevator.

I told you,Janie, he's not coming back.

Oh.

Well, I'll wait anyway.



- Yeah.



- We'll

-We'll

-We'll wait too.

Fine, but I think you're wasting your time.

Plus, you know what?

I reallythinkyou should respect Greg's decision on this.

I mean, it's got to be really difficult for him to hang out with my ex

-boyfriend.



- I can see that.



- Well, all right.

Ifl can't play catch with Lenny

- there's no point in sticking around.



- Hey! Why don'tyou stick around for Greg and tell him how much you need him when he comes home?

Oh, well.

Thankyou.

I'm sure he'll be home any minute.



- [TV Announcer]

Not a bad basketball game.



- Oh, look.



- There's Leonard.



- Where?

Right next to Greg.

[Announcer Continues, Indistinct ]

Who's the bimbo sitting next to Leonard?

[ Whistle Blows ]

out of bounds.

The guy over there in the rich seats caught it.

What's he gonna do with it?

He's gonna give it to Michael.

[ Continues, Indistinct ]

He throws it

- [ Indistinct ]

Okay.

So, uh, we'll just turn out all the lights and then when he comes home, we'll yell, "Surprise!" Then we'll just b*at the crap out ofhim.

Oh.

Hey, company.



- Hey, everybody.

What's going on?



- Not much.

Whereyou been?



- Uh, went to see a basketball game with Pete.



- Anyone else?



- Uh, yeah.

Marlene.



- Aha! Notyet, Finkelstein.

So what's this all about?

Why is everybody here?

Dharma has informed us that Leonard is persona non grata.

What is this you're trying to pull, Gregory?

I know what he's trying to pull.

He's just bogarting Leonard.

Bogarter.

Leonard made me feel like a woman.



- We sawyou at the game, Greg.



- What?

Wh

-What areyou talking about?



- You were on TV.



-Just me?

No.

You and Leonard.

Me and Leonard?

[ Laughs ]

They showed the bench a lot, Greg.

You should have thought about that beforeyou cheated on us.

I couldn't help myself.

It was the Chicago Bulls.

Michael Jordan high

-fived me! Actually, I missed his hand, and he hit me in the head.

B

-But still

- Let's go, Edward.

Let's take Leonard his dinner.

We'll go with you.

I knitted him an Afghan.

It's in the van.

Wait for me.

I just have to throw on a short

-sleeved shirt.

[DoorCloses ]

How angry areyou?

Well, I'm angry thatyou lied but I'm really angry thatyou thought that I wouldn't understand aboutyou changing your mind about Leonard.

Greg, change is a good thing.

I

-Itshows thatyou're not bound toyourfiormerselfi.

It shows that you're capable of growth which is why I love you so much.

Which is why I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Wow.

Okay, that's incredible, 'cause the way I see it I was too shallow and insecure to let this guy be a part of our lives and then when he had something I wanted, I snuck around behind your back and when you caught me, I lied like a little weasel.

You know, when you put it that way, you really do suck.

Dharma, wait!

- [Knocks ]

- Okay, make

-up sex.

I thought we were celibate.

When are you gonna learn to shut up?

It's 4 to 6 Foot!