Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss (1998)

[bunniefuu]

I am a h*m*.

I am also a photographer

with a penchant for polaroids.

I am a film buff

with a preference

for women's melodramas.

And I'm just an all-around nice guy.

But more often than not,

I am identified as...

a h*m*.

Mother nature dealt me this,

her first blow,

26 years ago

when I was born in a small town...

in Indiana...

where there's plenty of corn, fast cars,

and straights.

Lots...

and lots...

of straights.

I mean...

a lot.

It didn't take me too long

to figure out

that I didn't really fit in--

I mean, at all--

so as soon as I got the chance,

I moved to the big city.

Los Angeles...

where there's plenty of movie stars,

fast cars,

and h*m*.

Gays, lesbians, bis.

I mean, people will try

anything in this place.

But now I've become a misfit

of a different kind...

a romantic.

Contrary to popular belief,

all h*m*

don't get laid all the time.

Some of us, in fact,

long for true love, kids,

a house in the country

with a white picket fence...

I mean, face it.

You straights have it all.

Well, this is what I've got:

a story which I offer

to the h*m* and the heteros

in hopes of bringing us all

a little bit closer

to understanding those words

"straight" and "g*y"--

if, in fact,

they have any meaning at all.

I issue one warning.

There are no t*ts in this picture.

Just a tongue in an ear,

a brief bit of foreplay,

and, of course, one hollywood screen kiss.

My story begins

in a west hollywood apartment.

That's me, in bed with Fernando,

who I'm seeing, kind of...

sort of. I don't know.

See, he's already committed

to somebody else,

but more about this

and the rest of my story

after this really groovy credit sequence.

A cuban love song

Oh, not the ear thing again.

You are so special.

Mmm.

You are...

so special.

So, so, so, so...

special.

Oh, all right.

You are so special.

In spanish, spanish.

Estan especial.

More spanish.

This is Fernando.

Leave a message.

Fernando, it's Peter.

Tonto!

Pick up.

I can't do this.

You are so special.

Yeah, not special enough.

Billy.

Peter and I have an open relationship.

Yeah, wide open.

I picked you up at rage, for Christ's sake.

Maybe if you spent some time

with me and Peter.

Please.

I'm no bigamist.

A farewell kiss?

Un beso de despedida?

I'll see you here Sunday.

Ok. Call me.

What happened?

I didn't get it.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

She said it was cool.

It's just that not too many artists

will be buying vacuum cleaners this season.

Oh, no.

All right.

She's right.

Thank you.

Well, come on.

Most of the world's population

simply does not have good taste.

You can't expect a person like that

to appreciate something this--

Artsy?

No. She called it artsy?

Buy me a drink.

I'll buy you a coffee.

Ok, so what are you gonna do now?

I don't know.

I'm gonna have to borrow

money from somewhere

to cover next month's rent.

Maybe I should just leave L.A.

Come on, Billy.

My life here f*cking sucks.

Hey, well at least you've got Frederico.

Fernando.

You know...

I hate being the other woman.

Ok, and the husband?

Peter, ok.

He's like 19.

I think he's the paperboy.

What do you expect, Billy?

You keep finding yourself attracted

to these totally unavailable boys.

On some level you must not be ready

for true intimacy.

Ok, you know what? Never mind.

You're just gonna go on

in this shitty relationship

just to t*rture yourself.

Better to be tortured and getting laid

than comfortable and not.

Hi, Billy, George.

Hey, Les.

We'll see you at Holly's party?

I'm meeting Perry there.

I'm meeting Perry there.

Freak, party of one.

Freak, party of one.

Come on. He's a nice guy.

You could be using this

down time productively.

You've got no job,

and you're angst-ridden

over a bad relationship.

Maybe that puts you

at your creative peak.

What about that idea

of sh**ting those romantic film stills?

Pretentious.

Billy, you're pretentious.

I don't have any models.

You know what?

We get mark to dress up as Deidre.

Ok, there's half a couple.

Yeah, and I'm sure I could

get Andrew to do it.

Andrew, your boyfriend?

You know what you're doing?

This is called creating obstacles.

George, one does not create

obstacles for oneself, ok?

They just kind of--

Excuse me.

Happen.

More?

Uh, yeah.

You can top me off.

Thanks.

Anytime.

No, thanks.

Snack.

That boy is far too beautiful

to be slopping coffee.

There you have it.

There I have what?

Your male model lead.

He's perfect.

George, stop directing my life.

A nice body, a gorgeous unspoiled face.

George, no.

Ok, you know what?

That's it. f*ck it.

Come on, don't go.

No. You're better off

locked up in the apartment,

withering away in front of amc.

Oh, God, I hate it when you do that.

Um...

regular, right?

Ladies and gentlemen,

messieurs et messieuses,

et cetera.

The delectable...

the delicious...

the delightful...

the lovely miss Deidre.

Where's the 20 bucks you owe me, b*tch?

Say, love me, leave me

Let me be lonely

You won't believe me

But I love you only

I'd rather be lonely

Than happy with somebody else

You might find the nighttime

The right time for kissing

Nighttime is my time

For just reminiscing

Regretting instead of forgetting

Somebody else

There'll be no one

Unless that someone is you

I intend to be independently blue

Say, hey, hey

I want your love

Don't want to borrow

Have it today

To give back tomorrow?

Your love is my love

There's no love for nobody else

That drag queen is amazing, huh, Billy?

Totally looks like a woman.

Ok, I need to know

that his p*nis is large enough

to sustain this relationship.

Billy.

Just ignore him, honey.

I think we should take off the jacket.

I like this jacket.

It's not working.

Hi, Billy.

I love the earrings.

Milli Vanilli and John Tesh.

Hold it.

Have you got a job yet?

Hell, no.

Well, don't worry. People like us

are far too talented to be ignored.

Have you seen Perry?

Not yet, but if you're in the mood

for a little latino love tonight,

Francisco's here.

Fernando?

Mm-hmm.

I suppose I should pay my regards, huh?

Mm-hmm.

I love this picture.

Peter, just go in.

Relax, enjoy the party.

Fernando.

Mijo.

I thought I might see you here.

There's somebody I want you to meet.

Peter.

You must work with Fernando.

Yeah.

We work together.

Excuse me.

Billy.

Jesus Christ, Mary, and Saint Joseph.

There will be no praying at my party.

And you, you filthy pig,

get off of my bed!

The Saints aren't allowed

to listen to the f*ggots anyway, kid.

Having fun?

Last night, she served much cheaper stuff,

and the guests were far more important.

Where have you been?

I saw Frederico.

Fernando. It's over.

I know.

Saw the wife.

Lucky you.

George told us you can't find a job, either.

Unemployed and loveless.

That puts you at your creative peak.

I've already had this conversation.

You need money?

I've already had this conversation.

And models?

You know what's so funny

is I've already had this conversation.

I could help.

No. You know, I...

I could be your patron.

What does that mean?

I could give you money for film and paper,

anything else you might need.

You can use my darkroom.

And Donna here

would be delighted to help, I'm sure.

Lesbians can be remarkable

with makeup and lighting.

Whatever.

No. I...

Come on.

It'll be fun to be on

the other side for a change.

Yeah, and don't feel guilty, either.

He's selling very well in Japan.

And when the photos are finished,

I can run them by my art dealer.

Why are you--

you don't have to do this.

Congratulations.

You are the first recipient

of the Perry wallace photography fellowship.

Wow, Perry, thank you so much.

A token of my appreciation.

See you, kid.

Wait a minute.

You don't even know

what I want to do yet.

Hey.

Hey.

Lights up.

Action.

A man is sleeping.

A man wakes up.

Billy.

One of the drag queens

said she'd make me up

before we leave.

You're jealous?

Yeah, that's great.

Hey, guess what.

Looks like i'll be exploiting

my creative peak.

Perry's gonna give me money

to do a series.

God, congratulations.

That's amazing.

And, looks like it's a sign.

Oh, my God. It's, uh...

Coffee boy.

Hey.

Oh, honey, the jacket.

Yeah. I got it.

So, baby, it looks like our son is in lust.

God, he's f*cking gorgeous.

So go over and introduce yourself.

What, ask him,

"has anyone ever told you

you should model?"

Sounds like a sleazy hollywood come-on.

It's a professional introduction.

Did you hear him?

It's a profe-- I love you.

Right.

A professional introduction.

You want coffee?

I'll give you coffee!

Here!

Drink the coffee!

Too much sugar!

I was wondering if

anyone's ever asked you

or told you you should model?

In front of that thing?

Don't make fun of my camera, man.

I'm sorry. I'm Gabriel.

Billy.

How's it going?

Fine.

So, Gabriel, nobody in L.A.

just works in a coffeehouse.

I mean, come on.

I play the bass.

Really? I love the bass.

You're kidding me.

I had a band up in San Francisco--

Corn Hole.

Corn Hole?

Yeah. You ever heard of 'em?

I played all the time.

I can't seem to hook up

with anyone down here in L.A.

It seems every guitarist in Los Angeles

seems to want to play bass.

Well, people are more apt

to compromise their dreams in this city,

and they do.

That's cynical.

So?

Cigarette?

Yeah.

What do you do?

This.

Mmm.

Of course.

And you're g*y?

Do I act g*y?

Kind of.

And you're straight?

I have a girlfriend in San Francisco.

Oh, ok.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Some of my best friends are...

straight?

Whatever.

Do you want another beer?

Yeah. I'll go get 'em.

We can talk about this at home, Fernando.

Just give me a second.

I want to apologize.

I'll be in the car.

Peter liked you a lot.

You knew I would be at this party.

Yes.

Don't you think it was a bit tacky

to show up with Peter?

No.

Look, Fernando, if we're

gonna have an affair,

at least play by the f*cking rules.

Billy, there are no rules.

What we have is a relationship,

not a suburban marriage.

I should just be glad I can get laid

every once in a while, huh?

It wasn't just about the sex.

Right. It was special.

So special.

Oh, I'd like you to meet

my ex-whatever, Fernando.

Hello.

And who is this?

Um...

Gabriel's my new husband.

Really?

Yeah.

Here's your beer, honey.

Thanks, dear.

Could you just take a picture of us

really quick?

Of course.

Yeah, thanks.

Thanks. Drive careful.

Thanks. Drive careful.

Hey, Billy.

Hey, Les.

Thanks for that performance back there.

I would have done it for any friend.

I'm glad I can call you a friend, then.

Did you need a ride?

No. I've got to go this way.

I'm close.

Ok. All right.

All right.

Gabriel.

About modeling.

It wasn't just a line.

I could really use you in something.

In something?

Yeah.

We should talk about it.

You want to go to a movie or something.

Yeah, sure.

When?

Whenever.

Look, if it's not on the calendar,

it ain't gonna happen.

Um, how's Monday?

Monday.

Look, it's gonna be great.

I promise.

Ok, well, you're gonna have

to convince me of that.

I will, I will.

All right. Take it easy.

Yup.

Ernest borgnine was really good,

but I think the dialogue

was a little ridiculous.

My God, he's too straight

to appreciate fine camp.

Georgiana.

Ignore him.

Come on, let's go home.

Ok. Hey, why don't we stay

at your place tonight?

My sheets are dirty.

We'll do the laundry.

I don't have any soap.

But--

don't speak.

What are you doing now?

I'm just gonna go home and get some Zs.

Come back to my place.

We'll listen to some groovy records.

I'm kidding. Come on.

The movie really bored you?

I mean, the romance was bullshit.

It's just making the beauty

of true love more beautiful.

Bullshit.

Come on. The way it was shot,

it's a photographer's dream.

That beach scene.

Hold on. I don't think so.

No, no, no.

I'm thinking of using it

for one of the photographs.

Yeah. We'll dress mark up as Deidre.

She'll be Deborah Kerr,

and you'll be the perfect

Burt Lancaster.

We'll put you in one of those tight little--

hold on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, now...

if I agree to do this...

Yeah?

I just got one question.

Are there gonna be guys, like...

you know, like,

into this picture?

What?

Does that bother you?

Well, no.

I didn't think so.

How old is this dinosaur?

I got it in fourth grade.

Mmm.

Still work?

Yeah.

There's a story behind it, actually.

It starts in the basement

of my best friend's house.

His name was Kent Bartlett.

He was this wicked little kid.

He lived just down the street from me,

and about the only thing we had in common

was that we both liked books a lot.

So one day I'm over at his house,

and he drags me down to the basement

to show me his dad's collection

of dirty magazines.

Sex at this age is nothing

more than a dirty word,

so I didn't have any problem telling Kent,

"I like naked men, not naked women."

I don't know how I knew

at such an early age.

It was just this feeling, I guess, you know?

And at some point in my life

this was gonna be an issue.

Like my whole sexual destiny

had been encoded

in my subconscious.

I certainly didn't know what

it meant to like naked men,

and I don't think Kent knew, either,

but we soon found out.

Kent started acting really weird.

He wouldn't talk to me

or sit next to me on the bus.

One Friday,

he came on the bus with all of his friends,

and they were all going

to his ninth birthday party.

So I played it cool, you know.

But the second I stepped off that bus, man,

I ran home so f*cking fast

so nobody would see me cry.

And when I got home, my mom was there,

and she asked what was wrong,

and I told her.

And she immediately picked up the phone

and just f*cking railed into Kent's mom

for not inviting me to the party.

And when she hung up the phone,

she was in tears, too.

Kent's mom told my mom

what had happened.

Kent probably naively

asked her what it meant

that I like naked men.

And now Mrs. Bartlett

no longer wanted me

hanging out with Kent anymore.

I never saw my mom cry before.

And it hurt me so much

to see that she was just as,

you know, fragile, I guess, as I was.

So she started crying more,

and I started crying more.

We just sat there crying

for the next few minutes.

And she said, "You know what?

We're gonna have a party of our own."

Now, my birthday was just

a couple weeks after Kent's.

And my mom already had

my present up in the closet.

It was a polaroid, of course.

I was so happy.

'Cause it was just what I wanted.

I forgot all about

Kent's mom and my mom.

Afterwards, she, uh,

she served us birthday ding-dongs.

And we just sat there

across from each other,

eating in silence.

It's so sad.

It's not that sad.

Are you still close to your mom and dad?

My dad's ok. You know.

He travels a lot selling insurance,

but my mom... she's a great woman.

Of course, she's turning out

more and more like

my grandmother these days.

That must be hard.

Sometimes.

Let's talk about you.

What?

So have you found true love yet?

Mmm...

I've got my girlfriend

up in San Francisco.

That's right, that's right. I forgot.

You must miss her.

Kind of.

What does she do?

She plays the drums.

Oh.

So you're like a regular Kurt and Courtney.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I mean, the only problem is

she doesn't really

like any of my music, but--

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Firehouse. You know,

bassy kind of stuff. Sugar.

I f*cking love Sugar.

I saw them play at the palace once.

I even saw Husker Du play down in Indiana.

You saw Husker Du?

Yeah. So?

I don't know.

I just figured you listened to stuff

like Pet Shop Boys or Erasure

or something like that.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Oh, sh*t. Um...

Listen, I got to call my girlfriend.

I'll follow you out.

So, we'll set things in motion on Wednesday,

and we'll go from there.

Cool.

Congratulations.

You are now the star of Billy Collier's

soon-to-be-world-famous

hollywood screen kiss series.

All right.

Ha ha. Hold it.

For your girlfriend.

Thank you.

Wait. One more.

For me.

Ok, we'll talk.

Cool.

All right.

See you.

Good night.

I never knew it could be like this.

Nobody's ever kissed me the way you do.

Nobody?

No. Nobody.

Not even one?

Not all of the men...

women you've been kissed by?

Now, that takes some figuring.

Gabriel, listen to me.

I've never been so miserable in all my life

as I have since I met you.

Neither have I.

But I wouldn't trade a minute of it.

Nor would I.

Does that look like a straight man to you?

I'd need to meet him

before I dare subject him to my g*y-dar.

He says he's got this girl

in San Francisco,

but every time he brings her up,

he doesn't want to talk about her.

Could be a lot of things.

Burroughs is his favorite writer.

He absolutely loves the movie Cabaret.

Sounds suspect.

And every time he looks at me

when we're laughing together,

I don't know, I'm getting this vibe.

Billy, you know better than this.

I think he might be at least a kinsey 2.

There are 3 options here:

One-- he's mostly or

at least somewhat g*y,

and he does actually want

to screw around with you;

2-- he's g*y and not attracted to you,

and you're merely projecting;

and 3-- he's straight, enjoys the attention,

and you're merely projecting.

And may I remind you,

you have a history of merely projecting.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

Come on. It happened once.

Mm-hmm.

And that was in high school.

I was totally in lust for the first time

with this guy. I was a senior.

His name was Chris Jungblut,

very Deutsche,

and he moved to Indiana

from the west coast,

and we hooked up 'cause we

liked the same kind of music.

You know, The Cure, The Clash, XTC--

kind of like my CD collection.

Exactly.

But I wanted him so much, man.

I couldn't help believe--

you know, I thought

that he might want me.

You know.

Anyways, the violent femmes came to town,

and we ran to get our tickets

early like 2 dorks.

Which didn't matter much 'cause

nobody knew who they were.

And so we go to the concert,

and our shirts are off,

and we're all sweaty,

and we're moshing in the pit.

How old were you guys?

I was 17. He was 18.

Yum.

So we go back to his place

after the concert.

And we'd been drinking

all night. We were bombed.

What were you drinking?

Everything.

So we're sitting there

on the floor watching TV.

We're watching night flight on USA.

Remember that?

I taped it every week,

and, uh, they were having

video rock blocks

of David Bowie,

and they had young American son.

So I'm sitting there,

and I slide over next to him,

and he was, like, drifting off to sleep.

And I, you know, kind of put my arm...

touching his, and...

I don't know. Maybe he

wasn't as drunk as me...

but-- I don't know.

He didn't appreciate it too much.

After that, he didn't

talk to me for a few days,

but he kind of forgot

it happened,

which was cool on his part,

and after high school,

we just kind of went our separate ways.

Hmm, you're lucky you

didn't ruin a friendship.

I guess.

Anyway, it's different with Gabriel.

Yeah, right.

It is!

I mean, Billy, this is a classic case

of karmic repetition compulsion.

Any way you look at it with

this kid, you're screwed.

Thank you, Deepak Chopra.

I mean, even if he is g*y

and attracted to you,

he's going to be

coming out of the closet,

and you know what we boys do

when we come out of the closet.

It's a dicey phase, not a relationship one.

So you're saying if I pursue this,

I should just be prepared

to sleep with him once?

You know, there are people

who really care for you...

you know, there are people

who really care for you...

Billy?

Check it out.

I love the way his smile

shows off his subtle imperfections.

Hmm.

I should meet him.

I can arrange that.

What are you two doing tonight?

Gabriel, you're about to see the work

of one of the most talented

photographers in the world.

Yeah, one of the

most overrated photographers

in the world.

Billy.

Yeah?

Shut up.

A Rex Webster will double

its value in 2 years.

I guarantee it.

Hi, Billy.

Hey, Les.

So you'll call me in the morning?

Delicious.

Mmm. Perry, honey,

oh, so good to see you.

I think you've met

my friend Billy before.

And this is Gabriel.

Hello, boys.

Enjoy the show.

Remember, prices are not negotiable.

Except for you.

We'll keep that in mind.

Thank God you brought some fresh ones.

Fabulous content running

very high inside,

but it's a tad tired.

Thank you.

All boys, no dogs.

You decide.

All right.

Ah, I like this one a lot.

You like this one?

Yeah.

Well, it's big.

I like how big it is.

Hey, hey, come here.

I want you two to meet somebody.

No, but seriously, what does it mean

to be a g*y artist in today's society?

Well, it means responsibility.

Responsibility to recreate popular culture

in a pansexual mode.

I don't think anyone here

knows what pansexual means.

Oh, it means I f*ck him, he f*ck her,

she f*ck her, she f*ck me,

I f*ck...Perry!

Get over here.

Let's reminisce about the interview days.

Andy and Henry.

The show is wonderful, Rex.

Oh, well, Whitey and I like it.

I'd like to...

I'd like to introduce you to

a couple of friends of mine.

This is a fellow photographer, Billy.

Mr. Webster,

any words of advice for

the struggling young artist?

Stick with Perry and hope

he keeps introducing you

to people like me.

And this is his model friend, Gabriel.

I... play the bass, actually.

And I suppose you'd like

Mr. Webster's autograph.

Sure. I love your artwork.

It's fantastic.

You have very... offbeat features.

Kind of like a male Kate Moss.

Hmm. And this hair, oh, my.

Yeah, it should photograph well

in the sh**t he's doing for me.

we're having a little open bar

after the gallery closes...

a little private party.

Perry, would you and your

friends care to join us?

I don't mind.

Gabriel?

Ahem.

Never turn down a party.

Well said.

Lights up.

Action.

A woman is sleeping.

I'm tired.

A woman wakes up!

Really, she did.

She did.

So I said to her, "Sophia, darling,

tu sei molto bella, ma io preferisco uomini."

"almost like a male Kate Moss."

At least you know you have good taste.

How about the one standing next to him?

Oh, the things I could teach that boy.

So what do you think?

About?

Is he straight?

Gabriel?

He talks straight.

Every now and then, I get that vibe.

Exactly.

Oh, you know how I feel about all this.

So uh, are you and Rex, you know,

an item?

Doesn't mean he doesn't

want to lay your boy.

Thank you.

Well, Rex Webster is kind of

making me feel uncomfortable.

It's something you might

have to get used to

in this business, I'm afraid.

I think he wants me to do

some modeling for him.

What?

Yeah, he asked me to come by his hotel room

to do a test... on Friday before our sh**t.

Oh, and you don't have

to sleep with him?

No. He's taking a bunch

of models over to Catalina

to do an underwear ad for guess?

Or something like that,

and, uh, he might want me to come.

An underwear ad. Ok.

There's a lot of money in it.

Would we have to postpone our sh**t?

He's giving you an incredible break.

Would we have to postpone our sh**t?

I don't know.

Well, I guess you got to go with it, huh?

It's a test anyway.

Who knows what's gonna happen?

You'll pass.

I've had good training.

Gabriel. Hi.

Hey.

Hi. And you must be Billy.

Connie Rogers.

Gabriel told me about your little sh**t,

and if you need any help

with hair and makeup,

I just graduated from Vidal Sassoon.

Premier student.

Congratulations!

Thank you.

Gabriel, I'm gonna give you

my home number,

and if you need anything, feel free to call.

Great.

Ok, so I hope to be seeing

an awful lot of you...

soon.

Me, too.

Great.

Later, man.

Hey. Later.

Um, she does makeup,

and he's another model.

They're dating?

No.

Oh.

Well, then, I suppose somebody

should propose a toast.

to the discovery

of our beautiful, new, young supermodel.

Come on.

I'm really happy for you, Gabriel.

Really.

Like a cow.

Moo you.

Moo me.

Fine.

So Connie was nice.

What was her friend's name?

Brad.

Cold beers, you guys?

Thanks, but I should get some sleep.

Billy?

Sure, yeah.

Good night, Perry.

Thanks.

Good night, Perry.

Let me know what happens.

I will, I will.

Look what I found.

Wow.

Smoked one of these before?

Nice.

So...

I like your place.

It's a little small.

It's cute.

So um...

Friday, we're on the beach,

and then Saturday,

it's a really cool thing on a stage.

It's going to be great.

Yeah.

What's wrong?

Billy, you are so not happy

for me right now.

I'm happy.

No, I think I know you well enough

to know when you're happy for me.

All right, I may be a little jealous.

I just don't want to

have to postpone our sh**t,

and it gets complicated.

Oh, sh*t.

Hello.

No.

Natalie.

I thought we were gonna

talk about this tomorrow.

Natalie.

All right, just hear me out.

I don't know.

Listen, I'm sorry, but...

I'm sorry.

Good-bye.

Natalie?

That's a pretty name.

You never told me her name.

So you and Natalie...

Billy,

I don't want to talk about it, all right?

Gabriel--

Billy!

Maybe I should just go.

Billy.

Listen, um...

I'm sorry, man, and...

you don't have to go.

Believe me, I have to go.

Billy!

Good luck on your test.

Why is my heart so light?

Why are the stars so bright?

Why is the sky so blue

Since the hour

I met you

Flowers are smiling bright

Smiling for our delight

Smiling so tenderly

For the world

You and me

I know why the world is smiling

Smiling so tenderly

It hears the same old story

Through all eternity

Love

This is my song

Here is a song

A serenade

To you

The world

Cannot be wrong

If in this world

There is you

I care not what the world may say

Without your love, there is no day

So, love

This is my song

Here is a song

A serenade

To you

I care not what the world may say

Without your love, there is no day

So, love

This is my song

Here is a song

A serenade

To you

I'm through with straight men.

Oh, that's the verdict.

His girlfriend's name is Natalie.

They had an argument last night.

Did he talk about it?

No. But he grabbed me.

What do you mean?

Yeah. He didn't want me to go.

He rushed after me and grabbed me,

and, Perry, I swear

I could have kissed him,

and he would have gone through with it.

But you didn't kiss him?

No. I didn't want to risk

our friendship just for a kiss.

Bet you're kicking

yourself in the a*s now.

Well, whatever it was we had,

or whatever it was I had for him, it's over.

Which is fine.

I wish him all the luck

in the world on his modeling,

and I won't get jealous

if he goes to Catalina

and meets all these beautiful women--

Step 1 in 12 on the road to recovery.

Let's celebrate with a drink.

No. I got all this stuff to do

for the sh**t tomorrow. Thanks.

Are you sure?

Yeah. You want it to look good, don't you?

It is my money.

Oh, Perry.

Thanks.

Good luck tomorrow.

Nam myho renge kyo,

nam myho renge kyo.

Nam myho renge kyo...

Ooh, girl, just got myself a great lay.

Fabulous insurance man.

Picked him up from Trader Vic's, you know.

George, George, stop fudging me.

Smudging. Donna, smudging, not fudging.

Thank you.

Hey, Andrew, you want to

help me out here?

I'll show you.

Gentle.

Come on, you guys,

we're not gonna have

this light for long, ok?

Oh! You're creating footprints.

All right.

Meanwhile, your boyfriend

seems to be having

quite a time behind the camera, huh?

Andrew, quit mingling!

Donna, get your a*s over here

and check out this sassy suit, mama.

Not quite Deborah Kerr.

Deborah couldn't be this glamorous.

Have you seen Gabriel?

I think he's up in his dressing room.

Oh, girl, I can't wait to get these lips

on that hot doll of a model.

Watch it, baby.

I don't think he's g*y.

Honey, boys who look like that

are always up for a change of fare.

Mirror. Mirror!

Sorry!

sh*t!

How'd the test go?

Billy, I'm not coming out.

What's wrong?

These trunks don't fit.

Gabriel, I told you some of the costumes

might be a little tight.

Billy, you can see my package.

I'll give you my sock.

No, no, no. I don't need your sock. Trust me.

Well, just open the door and

let me see if it's working out.

Trust me, they're working out.

Now, you're sure you don't need the sock?

Let's just get this thing over with, Billy.

Let's just get this thing over with, Billy.

You're mean.

Billy, I don't think I want to be

the reflector guy anymore.

Oh, really? Maybe you want

to be the makeup assistant.

All right! A toast!

What's up, guys?

To a great first day.

And to the best bunch of friends

a photographer could ask for.

Aww.

Aww.

Well, I gotta go.

I thought you were

staying at our house tonight.

I got a meeting in the morning.

Oh, really?

I don't suppose this has anything to do

with that b*tch from the set today.

Her name's Connie, and I think she's dating

a married couple from Silver Lake.

I mean, really, honey, get real.

She was all over everybody.

She was even flirting with me.

I was just helping her powder!

All right, let's blow.

You're driving.

Like I'd let your a*s

behind the wheel of a car.

Oh.

Bye.

See ya.

That was a quick celebration.

I had a good time today, Billy.

See, once you accepted the fact

that I was exploiting your body,

things weren't so bad.

That was a joke.

Yup.

So how did your test go?

It was ok.

I learned a lot from Brad.

He's been modeling for almost a year now.

Um...

they're supposed

to call me tomorrow night,

and, uh, if I get it,

I'm gonna have to go

to Catalina on Friday night.

Well, you should go.

It'll be good for you.

I meant to tell you earlier. I--

if we have to postpone,

we have to postpone, you know?

So what about Natalie?

We talked this morning.

It's over.

What?

I don't think she understands

the laws of attraction.

It's like sometimes

people just lose interest in each other.

Or at least it doesn't

go both ways all the time, you know.

You can have a great time with someone,

you can start a great relationship, but...

I don't know.

It's like if the chemistry's not there,

it just doesn't work.

And Natalie kept pretending

that there was something still there.

You were never attracted to her?

I guess I was at one point.

What happened?

What about you and Fernando?

Jeez, why'd you have to bring him up?

It wasn't there for you two?

I don't know.

Something was there.

I don't know if it was "it."

I don't want him anymore.

Really?

Really.

So um, Ahem...

What makes you g*y?

Yeah. I mean, how do you know?

You just know, I don't know.

Have you ever heard of the Kinsey scale?

The Kinsey scale rates gays and straights

on a scale from zero to 6.

Zero being 100% straight,

and 6 being 100% g*y.

And everyone else lies

somewhere in the middle.

There's also the more biological argument

that gays are the result

of what some people call

"the show tune gene."

That we are, in a sense, human aberrations

with perhaps some higher purpose

in the great scheme of things.

Oh, like mother nature's way

of keeping the human population in check.

Personally, I prefer the Navajo approach.

Gays are special spiritual beings

sent here by some mighty deity

to essentially change society.

I mean, you've got to admit

our fashion is ages ahead

of what everyone else is wearing.

I mean, come on.

Huh? Hmm?

So where do you stand?

Hmm?

On the Kinsey scale.

Oh, I'm a perfect 6.

Of course.

Thank you very much.

And you?

I don't know.

It's chilly.

Y-Yeah.

You got that stuff?

Yep.

Hey.

Cheers.

Mmm.

Billy, I almost forgot.

I made this for you.

It's a tape of my old band.

This is great.

It's to thank you.

To thank me for what?

For...

introducing me to all these great people.

Gabriel...

this is great.

And for trusting me.

Friends are supposed

to trust each other, no?

Yeah, I know.

But people treat me weird sometimes.

You can really tell

when you're looking

at someone in the eyes.

It's like they want something from you.

Because I turned out this way,

there must be something

else wrong with me.

But...

you've been one of the few people

who haven't done that to me.

Gabriel, you're gonna go far

with this modeling thing.

I'm sure they're gonna ask you

to go to Catalina.

You know what?

What?

I'm not gonna do it.

Really?

Wait.

Hold it right there.

Just for a sec.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on. That was great.

Give me this.

No, no, no.

I hate pictures.

You've taken about

40,000 pictures of me.

I think I can get one of you.

One.

Just one.

That's ridiculous.

Wait till those turn out, huh?

You think it'd be all right

if I stayed here tonight?

Here?

On the couch.

This couch?

I'm not gonna drive home like this.

Well, George is gone.

I'll be out first thing in the morning.

Yeah, you'll need some blankets.

sh*t.

Ah. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, sorry.

sh**t.

Sorry.

Don't worry about it.

It's fine.

Uh, it's a jacket.

Um...

Do you need a glass of water?

I could put soft music on

or something.

No, no, no. Fine.

I'm fine.

Just the couch.

Yeah. Ok.

Um...

I guess I'm gonna go to bed, too, then.

All right.

Ok.

Ok.

Uh...

Billy.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, sh*t.

Um...

Yeah?

If you want...

it might be more comfortable

in the bed.

No.

Are you sure?

I mean, your legs aren't too long?

No.

Ok. Good night.

Damn.

f*ck.

You're right.

Yeah?

My legs are too long.

Well...

there's plenty of room.

Actually, I like, uh, this one,

if you don't mind.

So you're going to sleep now?

I'm gonna try.

Sorry.

Good night.

Billy.

I can't do this.

What? What is it? What?

What's wrong?

Listen, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

No.

Gabriel, I'm sorry.

Billy, it's not you.

Listen, it's me.

Listen, I'm just gonna

sleep on the couch.

No.

Your legs are too long.

I'll sleep on the couch.

I'm sorry, Gabriel.

Good night.

Damn.

I play bass.

I've got my girlfriend up in San Francisco.

You have a history of merely projecting.

Connie Rogers, premier student.

Got my girlfriend up in San Francisco.

You have a history of merely projecting.

Aaaaah!

So this morning I wake up--

alone...

on the couch.

With blue ba*ls, I might add.

You got what you asked for.

All I could keep saying

was, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Isn't that pathetic?

Did you expect anything more?

You know, he could have

just been experimenting,

trying something he was

never meant to be doing.

I don't wanna confuse him.

But if he's feeling these feelings,

and he's having problems exploring them,

I wanna be there.

After all, what are friends for?

This is serious.

Billy, what you need to do now

is leave him alone for a while.

He wants you,

he'll come to you when he gets back.

Gets back?

From Catalina.

What?

I thought you knew Gabriel got the job.

Rex called me this morning

to thank me for bringing him

and invited me to a party tomorrow night.

Wow.

Billy!

Billy, I got the job,

so I'm going to Catalina Island tonight.

Later.

That's it?

That's it!

I'm gonna call him.

No, I don't think he wants to be called.

Face it, Billy. Men are assholes.

No sh*t.

Ask me about Andrew and I.

How are Andrew and I?

Finished.

No way.

Yeah. I mean, look,

It's my decision of course,

but it still sucks.

Don't wait up.

Ohh.

Poppy.

You don't look so good.

Come in.

What happened?

Hey, Billy.

Ohh, God.

Om

Pack your bags.

Shh. I'm meditating.

We're going to Catalina.

Really?

They don't have a Trader Joe's there.

Ok, you got the directions.

He lives on a yacht, Slip 85.

Thank you so much, Donna.

I owe you one, Donna. Big time.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Be careful what you say!

I'm not out to my cousin yet!

Oh, really?

I don't suppose

he's seen you in that outfit then.

I just assumed her cousin was g*y.

Oh, yeah.

All relatives of g*y people

are g*y themselves.

Please! There aren't any h*m*

on that entire island.

Sure there are.

They're hanging out with all the lepers.

Ahoy, Billy!

You're going to the party?

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Anchors aweigh!

I swear that guy is following me.

Wow.

So how you doing?

Maybe I need to prove to myself

that I really love Andrew, you know?

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, and as for you, a disclaimer here.

Just because I'm going

with you to Catalina

doesn't mean that I approve

of your reasons for going.

Hmmph. You and Perry.

Well, Billy, I want you to be happy.

I just-- I don't think this straight kid

is gonna make you happy.

You know, I've gotta make my move now,

'cause if I don't do it now,

I don't think I ever will.

Otherwise,

the possibilities will be nagging me

until the day I die.

You've been reading Thetao Te Ching,

haven't you?

No.

Just practicing excuses

in case he really is straight.

Oh.

h*m*.

Just...

ow, ow, ow!

This is a yacht?

Where are the oars?

Tss.

Um...

uh, excuse me.

Come on now.

Can't a man take a piss in private?

Oh, that's a good a*s.

Hi.

Uh, we're friends of Donna's.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I been expecting you.

I'm George.

I'm George--

short for Georgiana.

But, uh, you know, I never

really felt like a Georgiana,

so when I was younger

someone called me George,

and it kinda stuck because I didn't...

I'm Billy.

Short for William.

And you must be Gundy?

So is Donna still a d*ke, man?

What?

I know she's a d*ke.

She's a big, big d*ke, Donna.

No, no, no. She's...

"no d*ke Donna," I mean,

that's what we call her.

You're g*y, too, man.

Do I act g*y?

Yeah, kinda.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

Oh, but let me tell you, sweetie,

you...

you are definitely not g*y.

Well, no, actually.

I'm, uh, I'm not.

I'm not g*y.

Well, welcome to Catalina.

Thanks.

These are gonna be your beds here.

Oh, and while we're getting acquainted,

I'd like to have you both know

that I'm gonna be trippin' tonight.

Oh, that's nice.

Hey, it's Saturday night.

And every Saturday night, I take acid.

And when I dose,

I like my music to be really loud.

Ok, then.

Billy.

Billy.

Obviously coming here was a huge mistake.

Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

Look at this thing. It's filthy.

You expect me to sleep on that?

And that as*h*le...

I thought he was kinda cute.

Yeah, in a drug addict sort of way.

He had nice eyes.

When his pupils aren't dilated.

This is your rebound, George?

Ok, you know what?

There's nowhere else to stay, right, Billy?

Just give me the stuff.

Gundy...

Hey.

You.

Me?

Yeah, you.

Come here.

What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd check things out.

Ohh.

Check things out, eh?

Fft. Come here.

I wouldn't worry

about that gorgeous boy of yours.

I'm keeping an eye on him for you.

Whitey,

don't you dare harass

a fellow photographer.

Welcome to our set, Willie.

It's Billy.

Yes, but you wouldn't mind

if uncle Rex called you Willie, would you?

You wouldn't mind

if uncle Rex calls you anything, would you?

Shut up, Whitey.

You're just in time

to see us get off our last shots of the day.

Yeah, the light's beautiful today.

Yes.

And the boys.

Um, I was just wondering if...

what are you doing here?

Well, Rex invited me to a party tonight.

I never turn down a party.

You're invited, too, Willie.

By God,

this island's gonna see

some action tonight!

Why are you really here?

I could be asking you the same thing.

Billy!

You followed me here.

I did not follow you here.

If you came to convince me

to abandon this, you--

Ok. Is that what you wanna hear?

I came to stop you

from making an a*s of yourself

over your stupid infatuation

with this kid.

First of all, it's not some stupid infatuation.

And second of all,

he's not some f*cking kid.

He's got nothing to do with any of this.

He's got everything to do with this.

You know, get off my f*cking back.

And quit meddling in my life

long enough for me to at least figure out

if he's g*y or not.

Life's been so empty

Without one like you

Your g*y friend caused some friction

But you don't condemn my drug addiction

I wanna eat you

I wanna taste you

I wanna swallow you

She calls herself Georgina

Georgiana.

Oh, I need her

Oh, I do

She calls herself Georgina

Georgiana with an "a."

I need her, I do

I wish I would've met you

Just a week ago

'Cause I smoked something

And what it was, I just don't know

And now I'm hearing voices

Who they are, I haven't found

But now that you're here, baby

You're the voice I want around

I wanna eat you

I wanna taste you

I wanna swallow you

We brought sandwiches.

She calls herself Georgina

I wanna eat you, I do

She calls herself

Georgina. Georgina

What a name that is

I wanna eat you

It's beautiful.

Wow.

Thank you so much.

Oh, it wasn't that--

you know.

I loved it.

There's a certain sound

Always follows me

Hi, Billy.

Hey, Les.

Around

When you're close to me

You will hear it

It's the sound

That lovers

Finally will discover

When there is no other

For their love

It's my

Happy heart

You hear

Singing loud

And singing clear

And it's all

Because you're near

Me, my love

Take my

Happy heart

Away

Make me love you

Make my day

In your arms

I want to stay

Oh, my love

Yeah

Feeling

More and more

Like I've never

Felt before

You have changed my life

So completely

Music

Fills my soul

Now

I've lost all control now

I'm not half

I'm whole now

With your love

It's my

Happy heart

You hear

Singing loud

And singing clear

And it's all

Because you're near

Me, my love

Take my

Happy heart

Away

Make me love you

Make my day

In your arms

I want to stay

Oh, my love

My happy heart

Can't you hear

My happy heart?

Whoa whoa

Cheers.

Whoa oh oh

Darling

See

See my happy heart

Come on.

What are you doing?

Jesus Christ!

You scared the f*ck out of me.

I'm sorry.

It's a little pathetic

hiding behind a palm, Billy.

Spying on people?

You know that's what you're doing, right?

I say it was pretty f*cked up, Bill.

Since when were you two

invited to the party?

Since Gundy scored some pot

for Mr. Webster last night.

So you've been tripping

all day back on the boat?

Oh, come on.

I don't need to be dosing

when I'm getting laid, man.

Mmm.

I'm gonna go see

if I can get rid of this last dime bag.

I'll be right back, ok?

Ok.

That's class.

Please keep me company.

No. I'm cowering.

Ok, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to ask you.

I meant to tell you.

Of course.

Look.

There he is.

Every time I look at him

my stomach starts to hurt.

I know. Well, Billy, you came all this way.

Why don't you just do

what you gotta do?

Oh, here comes your new lover.

Ok, listen. I went that way.

Oh, yeah!

I don't see this kind of decadence

around these parts too often.

Where's Georgina?

She went that way.

Rrr.

Georgina

Yeah, man.

Hey.

Oh.

I-- I am sorry about earlier today.

No. I should've--

Let's just forget it, ok?

I'm glad you're here.

So?

So what?

So did you do it yet?

No. I mean, he's over there

with all the beautiful people.

I don't wanna muss their essence.

Billy, just do what you came here to do.

Ooh. What do you think

of that one over there?

Not my type.

Exactly.

Eliminates the competition.

Hello, Billy.

Oh!

Help, Billy!

What are you doing here?

I was invited to the party.

Really?

Yeah.

Can we talk?

Sure.

Somewhere else?

Can you guys give me a minute?

Ahh.

So how was the sh**t?

It was excellent.

Rex Webster, he's really

great to work with.

Rex?

Well, not as good as you, of course.

Please.

No, I'm serious.

He doesn't pay as much

attention to all the details.

He's got a million people

running around

doing everything for him.

Comes with age, I guess, huh?

Yeah.

Or success.

Or success.

How's the makeup girl?

She's nice.

Actually, she's kind of driving me crazy.

She's...

tends to dote on me a little bit too much.

I don't dote on you, do I?

A little bit.

It's ok, though.

It's in a different way. It's...

I'm really glad you came.

You know, I wasn't even going to come,

but Perry practically dragged me.

It's about the other night.

Gabriel, I'm so sorry.

Listen, you didn't make me do anything

I didn't want to do.

I didn't?

I'm just not sure if it's something

that I'd want to do again.

Maybe...

what went on wasn't supposed to happen.

For you, I mean.

Maybe...

you were just testing

things or exploring--

whatever you want to call it--

and that's ok.

You know, when I first came out,

I didn't have anyone...

and now that I look back,

you know, I wish I had someone.

I...

certainly wouldn't be as f*cked up as I am.

You're not f*cked up.

I swore to myself

that if I could ever be there

for somebody, I would,

so that that person

wouldn't have to go through

all the sh*t I went through.

What I'm trying to say is,

if you're having problems

figuring out

where you stand,

even if you're not sure

of what you're supposed to want...

Billy, I'm--

This is not coming out right.

Gabriel, I--

Gabriel?

Billy, I'm pretty sure of

what I'm supposed to want.

Maybe we can still--

You know, just...

What are you doing?

You were right.

Talk to me.

I've just seen too many

g*dd*mn movies, you know?

Billy.

Spent too much time

behind that f*cking camera.

I actually imagined this

perfect kiss between us.

Of course you did.

I thought for sure

it was going to happen.

Billy, I've made the same mistake.

A couple years ago, I met this guy.

He was-- he was good-looking

and smart and funny,

and I fell for him.

He seemed to like me, in his own way.

It became obvious that

his way wasn't my way.

It took some time, but I accepted it.

I was happy for the friendship.

Billy...

the guy was you.

Yeah?

Perry?

Give me one moment, Raymond.

The men in my life keep disappearing

into voices in the night.

I would gladly give up

the thrill of a one-night stand

with Catalina's sole h*m*

if you want to be

with someone right now.

I kind of want to be alone, you know?

You sure?

Yeah.

Good.

Thanks.

Billy!

Jesus Christ, you got

to stop doing that.

My God, I got away from him.

Can you believe he wanted

to two-step? Two-step!

I lost the polaroid.

Oh, that sucks, Billy.

And Gabriel.

So when's the next ferry

back to the mainland?

Come on.

Georgina!

You know, I f*cking hate

being the token drag queen.

At least you're not the token d*ke.

No, girl, I look like sh*t.

No, that's a pretty good picture of you.

No. I'm giving you so much

fatness in this picture.

No, no, no, no, it flatters your figure.

You're flattered by anything with t*ts.

You know, Whitey,

in some of these photographs,

he's captured an aspect of me

that I thought only you knew about.

Rex...

do you think I could learn

how to take pictures?

Well, if you're serious,

I'd be glad to show you

the fundamentals.

I am serious.

All right. From now on,

I'll introduce you as my protg.

Aw.

Rex...

what are you doing

to Brad in this picture?

Ohh.

Wow.

Thank you very much.

That's very nice of you.

Did you hear that?

I did.

God, what's it like?

You having fun?

Yeah. It's pretty amazing.

Yeah? Was it worth it?

Yeah.

Ohh.

I think you've made your first sale

to Rex Webster.

No f*cking way.

Oh, my God.

Take a look at this.

Wow.

Ok, that's incredible.

Have you talked to him yet?

You should probably call.

Yeah, maybe you should invite him.

I mean, you are exploiting

him after all, you know.

I don't know. I...

I just need some time, you know?

Billy?

Am I the only straight guy

in any of your photographs?

Yeah...

but it'll be our little secret, ok?

Come on, guys, it's quarter to 8:00.

Oh, ok, let's get out of here.

You're going, too?

Yeah. Well, we're just

dropping them off

at the ferry launch, right?

Oh. He doesn't want me near the island.

'Cause he's jealous 'cause I got lucky there.

Believe me, Drew,

lucky is not the word.

Hey, would you bring the car around?

Can we say "please"?

I'm sorry.

I was bad,

but you can punish me later.

Really?

Yeah.

Ok?

Ok.

That's my man.

Are you going to be ok?

Yes.

All right.

Go. Get out of here.

Billy...

I am proud to be your patron.

Thanks.

I couldn't have done it without you, Perry.

Thank you.

Good show, Billy.

Thanks. I was wondering

when you'd show up.

I hope you don't mind.

I've got someone

who's dying to meet you.

Sure.

Listen, got to fly, Billy.

see you around.

I'm sure you will.

You're the artist?

Sorry?

These are your photos?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some nice stuff.

Thanks.

Is this the camera?

Uh, actually, this is a new one.

I love polaroid film.

I mean, it's worth it for the texture and all.

Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

It's nice.

I'm sorry. You're--

didn't get your name.

I'm Joshua.

Joshua, I'm Billy.

You're a photographer?

No, but, uh...

you know, I know a good photo...

when you see one.

Yeah.

Well, we have that in common.

Yeah.

So...

sh**t something.

Um... so, you know,

there's a story behind this camera.

Actually, not this particular one.

My other one is, uh...

sitting at the bottom of the ocean

somewhere off the coast of Catalina.

The end.

She was the love sl*ve

Of Catalina

Prisoner of a man

She'd seen there

Back on the streets

Of Los Angelina

Their eyes met in a small cantina

And in his eyes, she saw the sun

She thought she'd found the one

She longed to hear the words

I love you

But all the time she spent

The days he came and went

She never heard the words

I love you

Her man, he went to Catalina

The love sl*ve followed on the steamer

Her friends, they said she was a dreamer

She should give in to a man that we know

And on a windy beach, they met

And as the sun began to set

She longed to hear the words

I love you

As they stood face to face

Lover came to the man's embrace

She never heard those words

I love you

So now she roams

The streets of Catalina

Looking for the man

From Los Angelina

She was the love sl*ve

Of Catalina

Still waiting for those words

I

Love

You