A Guide to Second Date Sex (2019)

[bunniefuu]

I'm in love with you

Want you to love me too

True love

Can be hard to find

True love

Can be hard to find

True love

Can be hard to find

True love

Can be hard to find

- I'm in love with you...

-Hi!

Hi.

-What's your name?

-I thought I--

-What?

-No, you go.

Sorry what was it you said?

Who are you out with?

My housemate. He's over there.

What's your name?

-Ryan.

-No way.

I had a rabbit called Ryan.

Cool. How is he?

Oh, dead.

-Good.

-What?

-There can only be one of us.

-[chuckles]

-What's your name?

-Laura.

I always said

if I had a daughter...

You'd call her Laura?

Well no,

I'd probably call her

"Yet another, in a long line

of women

that I cannot have sex with."

Sorry that--

that was a joke.

I don't have a daughter, so,

even if I did,

I'm not an incestuous pedophile.

Oh, my God, can't believe

this, she's left.

She always does this.

Do you want a drink?

Uh, I-- I, should,

I should probably go after her.

Then again, she'll have gone

to his house and...

-So was that...

-Yes.

Yeah. I'll have

a shot of Tia Maria.

Great. Hi, can we please

have a shot of Tia Maria

and a beer please.

Why don't you

try Tia Maria with me?

Sure, and can I have two

shots of Tia Maria, please.

-I'm converting him.

-[chuckles]

The church of Tia Maria,

all hail.

-It's not that good.

-Oh.

[joyful music]

[man] Women often rate a good

sense of humor as more important

to them in a partner

than physical attractiveness.

A sense of humor implies

a man's ability to cope with

potentially stressful

or even dangerous situations.

[woman] Makeup is used

primarily to artificially

enlarge our features.

Big eyes and slips

are indicators of youth.

The younger the woman the more

fertile she's likely to be

and the more capable her body

is of nurturing

and providing

for her offspring.

[man] The DNA contained

within saliva and exchanged

through a kiss

gives us invaluable

information regarding

our genetic compatibility.

[woman] Natural blonde hair

is the result

of high estrogen levels.

Dying hair blonde imitates

increased levels of fertility

and offers scientific reasoning

to the claim

that men prefer blondes.

[man] A woman's lips offer

a subconscious representation

of female genitalia.

When a woman is aroused

her genitals become deep red,

wearing red glossy lipstick

is an unconscious attempt

to mimic this process.

The human race

depends upon sex.

We need to do everything we can

to ensure we attract a mate,

not just any mate,

but the best we can get...

-[crosstalk]

-...to do this we need

to enhance ourselves

and there are many

ways we can do this.

[woman] Spray a finishing

spritz across your face

to set the look,

and you're done!

What?

That's it for this week,

guys.

Remember to hit "like" if you

like the video and subscribe...

-f*ck's sake.

- ...to become part

of the glam fans.

You say I

will show you mine

If you will show me yours

And one by one

we're throwing

All our clothing

On the floor

You say don't

blow out the candles

Cause I want you to...

Absolutely gorgeous.

Well, you said

he was a smart dresser.

Yeah, not a Victorian.

Second dates are what makes

or breaks a relationship.

-Says who?

-Says the fella on the YouTubes.

Oh, don't go giving yourself

away tonight though. All right?

Men like the chase, the less

you give the more they want.

I don't want you making

the same mistake

I did with your father.

-[man]I can bloody

hear you, Val.

-Oh, f*ck off.

You looked

lovely in that jacket.

Just get out.

Why are you

wearing my shirt?

Because I needed

a shirt, Ryan.

No, I need the shirt.

Laura's coming around.

Then you don't need

a shirt, do you?

[singing]

because you're gonna be naked.

-We're going for an Indian.

-In the Indian naked.

-Just give me the shirt.

-Right will you back a-way--

Will you stop wearing

that towel like a girl, please?

-I thought she was coming here.

-She is, and we're

going for an Indian.

She's not travelling

all the way across town for

an "onion bhaji", is she?

She's come here for one thing

and one thing only.

[choking]

Yeah, I don't think

that's why she's coming.

-c*ck.

-I understood,

it's more

than sex it's more than...

-Why don't you have sex, Ryan?

-I do have sex, I've done sex.

-Yeah with Tufts, brilliant.

-Yeah, and Jess.

Remember Jess from college?

-Is that it? Just two girls?

That's all you've had sex with.

-But I was in a relationship,

-a long-term relationship.

-No wonder you're

still in love with her.

-Who?

-Tufts.

I don't still love her.

When was the last

time you texted her?

-Uh, I don't-- Friday?

-Oh, man.

I've not texted in a week,

it's been a week, it's finished.

Yeah, two years ago when she was

jumping on somebody else's d*ck.

-Move on man.

-I have. I am. With Laura.

[groaning]

Weeded the garden yet?

-No, I'm not going

to sleep with him tonight.

-Do it!

He might

not even want to sleep with me,

he might not even like me.

No, he was pissed

the last time he saw me.

That being

the only time he saw me.

-He might...

-Do the bracelet test.

-What's that?

-If you ever want to know

how someone feels about you,

you do the bracelet test.

If you genuinely like

this girl, Ryan,

and I mean, genuinely.

Do her. Girls like

the game of cat and mouse.

It's a test.

They like to be pursued.

Bring her here, rave

in her cave, pass the test,

then you can have all the

bloody pilau rice you want,

I'm going to Inferno's, ciao.

Take off your bracelet

and discretely

push it into his personal space

and see what he does with it.

If he pushes it away, he

probably wants to push you away.

He's not interested. If he

picks it up and plays with it,

he wants to get closer

to you.

If he ignores it,

you get the gist.

But if he puts it on,

he wants to be inside you.

Hello?

Wait, wait.

Are you going out with Adam?

Who's Adam?

Our housemate.

You mean Abel.

Is his name Adam?

I've been calling him Abel

for ages. Anyway, no.

I forgot we even had a flat mate

to be honest.

You can use my sexy silky bed

sheets for one night.

I'm not going to use

your sexy bed sheets--

-sexy silky bed sheets.

-But you can do.

-Okay.

-Okay?

Oh, you look awful.

Mum! I can't breathe

in these sodding jeans.

So, f*ck it. I'm not going!

Calm down!

Of course you're going.

Now put this on,

now keep it buttoned up.

-Have you brushed your teeth?

-Yes.

-Have you got perfume on?

-I don't want perfume.

I want him to smell

my pheromones. Mum!

-What? It's ocean breeze.

-It's room spray!

It's better than that

pheromones thing you put on.

Now, you listen to me. You make

sure now you're safe tonight.

He could be a pedophile

for all we know.

-I'm twenty-eight.

-And you're still my baby.

[soft music]

[GPS]

Head northeast along Claringdale

Road for two hundred meters

and take a left

onto Chapel Lane.

She's got you high

And you don't even know yet

She's got you high

and you don't even know yet

The sun's in the sky,

It's warming

Up your bare legs

And you can't deny

You're looking for the sunset

She's got you high

And you don't even know yet

She's got you high

And you don't even know yet

It's the search for the time

Before it leaves without you

Have you lost your mind, has

She taken all of yours too?

She's got you high

She's got you high...

[GPS]

For 200 yards take your second

left onto Sunningdale Drive.

She's got you high

Romance alive and hope

She's going to tell you

She's got you high

-[Laura] So, did I ask you

what your name was?

-Ryan!

No way!

I had a rabbit called Ryan.

Yeah.

-He's dead now.

-Ah!

He went behind the shed

and the cat from next door

went behind there.

I thought they were playing.

So, I just left them,

but turns out cats and rabbits

-don't get on in real life.

-As opposed to?

-My mind.

-What?

When I found him, he was

paralyzed with fear, and dead.

So I buried him

under a tree in the garden.

And may be rest in peace.

Well no, because I didn't

dig a deep enough hole

and the foxes got to him.

Well, then he died

as he lived. Badly.

-Oh.

-Hey, if it makes

you feel any better,

I had a fish once that died.

-What was your fish called?

-Called Wanda.

That's a sh*t name for a fish,

mine was called Bubbles...

-and Chick-a-teter.

-[gasps]

[tension music]

[GPS] Your destination

is on the right.

Just get the-- hi, sorry

I'm late I was at Pilates.

Yes. Yeah that's good,

telling him about Pilates.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, God.

-Hi!

-Hi.

-Sorry I'm late I...

-Oh, don't be,

-you're not late.

-...I came from Pilates.

Sorry where?

No.

-I...

-sh*t, come in, sorry.

-Oh.

-Ooh. It's lovely.

-I'll give you

a tour if you like.

-Okay.

Er...

Oh! [both chuckle]

-It's Dan you live with,

isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, but he's out clubbing.

[loudly] Clubbing!

Okay. Um...

This is a hallway.

Through there is the kitchen.

This is indeed a kitchen.

[chuckles]

Through there

is the living room.

Ooh.

-These are stairs

or broken escalators.

-Very lovely stair--

Oh, or broken escalators.

[cracking wood]

Bathroom there,

Dan's room there.

That's a cupboard

and this is the boudoir.

Ooh, nice.

-Very tidy.

-Ah, well not really,

there's a few plates there

from last night,

a cup over there.

Right.

What's this? Secret room?

It's a toilet, yeah.

What an en suite?

-I've always wanted

one of these.

-Oh.

Wow. So, you've got

the biggest room then?

Yeah, the master bedroom.

Because I am the master.

[both laugh]

-Do you want a drink or...?

-Yes, please.

We have Cobra, um...

Port...

Ribena... milk.

Um. I've never had port.

Great, well port it is.

-I'll just get you some.

-Okay.

Um... do you want a hand

with those drinks?

Do you want a hand or anything?

No. No. I'm fine.

Right, well I just-- I'll wait

in the living room then.

-Okay.

-Okay.

-[upbeat music]

-[phone ringing]

-Didn't take long did it?

-Where's the Port?

-The what?

-Didn't we have a bottle

of Port, where is it?

-Is she there yet or what?

-Obviously, I'm not drinking

f*cking Port by myself, am I?

f*ck the port, if you want

to get her there's five steps.

I'm going to tell you,

but you can't tell nobody else

I'm going to write a book.

-Where is the Port?

-Compliment her,

mirror her, ask her questions,

teasingly put her down and steer

the conversation towards sex.

I know,

but this isn't a book.

Then you f*ck her.

Six steps, new book. Boosh!

I've found the Port.

I've found the Port.

Right calm down!

Calm down.

Where were the glasses,

do we have any glasses?

Yeah,

well there's one in my room.

But I piss in that when I can't

go to the toilet. Up to you.

Right, I've got to go

I'll call you later.

All right mate, bye-bye.

You're a proper dickhead,

you know that?

Ta da!

-Wow.

-I'm sorry about the cup,

all our glasses are in shops.

So how have you been?

Good, yeah.

Ooh, is that Irn-Bru?

Port and Irn-Bru, yeah.

All the celebs are drinking it.

It's Meryl Streep's favorite.

And you only drink what,

Streep drinks?

Yeah, just Cobra

and Port and Irn-Bru.

Oh, that's classy.

God, I'm so sorry, I didn't know

there was someone else in here.

-Are you Dan?

-No that's--

-not, not Dan, Dan's out.

-Oh.

Yeah.

-You all right, mate?

-Yeah,

just got a little bit

of the old, dead skin

forming on the sole

of my foot there. So,

going to hit that up later on

once it's softened up,

but it does take time.

A little bit egotistical,

but so important

to look good, isn't it?

-Do you want

to see the garden?

-Sure.

-See you.

-Oh, lovely, yeah, all right.

[door closes]

[Laura] Garden's gorgeous.

It's a movement sensor,

you've got to keep moving.

Right.

Who was that?

-I don't know.

-What?

As in he does live here,

but I don't know his name

that's why

I couldn't introduce you.

[laughs] Just ask him.

I can't.

He's been here like a month.

I've been calling

him Adam, or Alex.

Dan calls him Abel.

But he responds to all of them.

[laughs] I honestly

didn't know he was there.

I know.

It's like that all the time.

He's got no presence at all.

Oh!

-[Laura] Are you waving or what?

-It should come on in a sec.

-There we are. Oh! sh*t!

-Ah!

How did you get out here

without setting the light off?

Didn't know that we had a light.

Oh, motion sensor, is it?

-Yeah, it should be.

-Right, that's it then.

No. No, those things never

pick me up for some reason.

Automatic doors, automatic

dryers, automatic toilets,

can never go back to Japan.

So, we going out then or what?

Well, I was thinking we could

stay in here for a bit.

[scrubbing]

But I thought we said we were

going for a meal or something.

Well, yeah,

but then I thought we could

watch a film or something.

You don't want to go

for a drink at a bar?

Well, I have drinks here.

In fact, I was going to grab

another beer. Just one sec.

[man] Sorry, old friends,

left it too long.

I left these out earlier.

I'll put them away

in case you trip.

-You lift weights, do you?

-Every day.

How many do

you normally do?

About one hundred a day.

Oh. Wow.

I'll show you,

-if you don't believe me.

-No.

One. Two.

Three. Four. [panting]

All day. Four. Four.

-Five.

-Oh.

Just like that really.

I could do more, but you know.

What we going to watch then?

Oh, yeah, whatever you want.

I've got-- I've got

all the Pixar films.

All right.

Okay. Scarface?

X-Men, Godfather trilogy.

-Ooh. Oh.

-Oh, or there's my laptop there.

We could watch whatever you

want. I've got Netflix.

Oh.

Oh, there's so

much Pikachu that's cute.

-[man] f*ck yeah.

-[Pikachu] Pika.

-sh*t!

-sh*t.

No, no, no, no.

-That's...

- Pika, Pika.

Dan. He took that, the laptop.

-Oh no, no, no, no, Dan.

- You, filthy custard slag.

I think he's just,

he's looking on YouTube or like,

it would have come up on

the side or something and he

wondered why people were into

it. I don't think he's into it,

probably thought

it was a bit weird, so.

Pikachu's a slag

then, eh? Who knew?

Yeah. Well, I don't.

I've not seen that.

-Can I use your

bathroom a minute?

-Yeah, sure.

-You know where it is.

-Yep.

Oh.

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

That thing I like

That thing, that thing

You do

That thing I like

Yeah, you got me going crazy

That thing, that thing

You do

Yeah you got me going crazy

Don't stop make it last

Don't stop make it last

So, I found

A Fish Called Wanda .

No? Or Cruel Intentions

which may be more to your taste?

Than Pixar Pokmon porn?

Doubt it. [laughs]

I'm only joking,

Cruel Intentions .

A fine choice.

Right, sorted.

Do you want a top up

before it starts or?

Er... No, I've still

got plenty thanks.

[ Cruel Intentions begins]

Sit up here if you like?

Probably see it better.

Yeah.

Get on properly.

Oh, right.

-This is nice.

-Yeah.

[woman] Sebastian. Can you

at least pretend to focus?

[Sebastian] What good

would it do? I'm unfixable.

- Nobody's unfixable.

- Yes, I am, a text-book...

Did you know that this

was actually the film

that Ryan Phillippe

and Reese Witherspoon

met before they got married?

-No way.

-Yeah. Yeah.

Wow.

-Isn't she that actress

that got stabbed? Reese..

-Witherspoon.

No with a knife.

[laughs]

Sorry.

[soft music]

[woman] ...the right conditions

anything is possible.

[Sebastian] It took you

12 chapters to say that.

- You're right.

- I know I am.

[Sebastian] I've come

to a point in my life when

all I can think about is sex.

Take coming here for example,

you're a beautiful woman,

perfect curves,

stunning breasts,

knock out legs.

[woman] But you have

to look beyond that.

[Sebastian]

I know but it's hard.

[woman]

Well, it's fortunate we've come

to the end of our session then.

-[Sebastian]

It's really been an hour?

- Hour fifteen.

[Sebastian] It seems

you like to keep me here

as much as I wanted to stay.

[woman] Read the book.

I think you're going

to get over this...

-Is that for me?

-No.

-Oh. Do you want it back?

-No, you can borrow it

if you want.

To do with what you want.

Am I supposed to do

something with it?

No.

[soft music continues]

-[Sebastian]

You have a daughter?

-[woman] That's her,

a straight A student,

best girl on the cheer squad.

[Sebastian] That's the sort

of girl that could cure me.

[woman] She's a little out

of your league, Sebastian.

I'm sure the right girl

will come along.

[Sebastian]

What if she already has?

[woman] Then I wish you

the best of luck.

Let me know how it goes.

What is it?

Put her through.

-[young woman] Mom!

-[woman] You know not

to call when I'm working.

[young woman crying]

He told me I was beautiful

[crying]

I'm such an idiot.

[woman] You're not,

you're just not smart

when it comes to having sex.

What have you done now?

[young woman] He's put videos

of me all over the internet.

- What videos?

- What do you mean what videos?

Sex tapes.

[woman] You idiot,

how could you let this happen?

[young woman] I don't know.

He said I had perfect curves

and stunning breasts,

he asked if he could film them

and I said yes but I went

too far, please help me, Mom.

[scream]

Do you know what? I've--

I've already seen this film.

Oh. Well, do you want

to choose something else?

No. Actually I'm-- I'm just

not in a filmy sort of mood.

I see.

What mood are you in?

I'm not--

I thought we were going out

-for dinner, so.

-Right, no.

I-- I...

actually I have agoraphobia.

What?

I'll get us a drink.

Sorry.

[woman] Sebastian.

Oh, my God.

-I need your cup.

-Oh.

-Come on.

-[phone line ringing]

Come on, Beth,

pick up the phone. Come on!

-[Beth] Hello!

-Beth.

-This is Beth's phone.

Leave a message.

- No.

Who else is there?

Yeah.

[phone line rings]

[phone ringing]

-Los!

-B, I need an emergency

phone call now.

Okay. It's an emergency,

it's massive,

there's people on fire

and they're dead.

No, that's not how

you do an emergency call.

I found a body just one body.

-No!

-What's happening?

-He wants to have sex with me.

- And?

He wanks off to Pikachu.

Pikachu's quite pretty.

It's a drawing

of a cat, thing.

He says he's agoraphobic,

that's a lie,

or is it? I don't know.

-Stop being so scared.

- I am scared.

I can't have sex with him.

It's too soon.

If I do it, I haven't shown

enough resistance.

And I've not shaved.

[phone line rings]

[upbeat music]

[phone ringing]

-Yo yo yo!

-[Ryan] I'm losing her.

-What are you doing?

Right now, I am talking

to you while there is a girl

who thinks I have intermittent

agoraphobia held hostage

in my room. That's what

I am doing. I am off-piste.

[Beth] Okay, now dip your t*ts

into the cold water,

helps plump them up

makes them look bigger,

but you need to continue doing

this throughout the evening

because they will shrink

in the heat.

This isn't 50 shades

of f*cking Gray, Bink.

No, it's more like

one shade of sh*t.

You've been talking

about this guy all week.

Give him a chance. If he's

f*cking up, take control.

If you're feeling nervous,

think to yourself,

"What would Shakira do?"

And then just do that.

Put them in.

f*ck it.

Ah. f*ck it's freezing.

-[Dan]

Have you complimented her?

-Yes.

Probably, I don't know.

- Have you spoken about sex yet?

- No.

I can lead a horse

to water, Ryan.

Okay. So, we compliment her,

-and the sex talk.

- Be dominant, man.

Tell her to get in the bed,

The bedroom rules,

they love rules.

-That's dogs.

- This one works for both.

Right before you f*ck,

look her in the eye and say,

"You might not enjoy

this, but by God,

you'll remember it." Okay?

[soft music]

f*ck.

[Ryan]

Are you all right in there?

Yeah, just give me a sec.

You getting back

in the bed or what?

These are the bedroom rules.

Do not break them.

[woman in the movie]

Do you want to have sex or not?

[soft music]

[woman] See, that wasn't

so weird, was it?

[woman 2] Wasn't weird at all.

I liked it.

[woman 1] Good.

Now we're going to do it again,

only this time you're going

to feel my tongue in your mouth

and when you do, you're going

to massage it with yours.

Are you ready?

It's all sex, sex,

sex these days isn't it?

Sex, sex, sex. Sex.

You know this film

was actually made in 1999.

And in those days as well.

Some things just never change.

[woman 1] How was that?

Let's do it again.

How about you try it again

with your friend.

[woman 2]

My mother would k*ll me!

[woman 1] Your mother doesn't

need to know everything

about your life.

I'll take care of your mom...

-You smell really good.

-Thanks.

What is it?

Ocean Breeze.

-Well, it's good.

-Thank you.

[Ryan] This is happening,

don't get over excited,

stay calm. I am not calm!

[Laura]

Shakira what would you do?

[Ryan] Okay. Start with

the face and work your way down.

[Laura] Get that leg over.

And then you'd do

your chest jutting thing

and roll around in the mud.

[Ryan] What is happening?

I should have had a wank.

She is so confident.

[Laura]

Where am I going with this?

[Ryan]

How many guys has she had?

[Laura]

Oh, f*ck what am I doing?

Crawl back, crawl back.

- Oh God, he's touching my boob.

-Oh my, oh my God.

[Laura] Take control.

[Ryan] You're going to have

to be good at this.

All your best moves.

[Laura] Right. We'll start

with his shirt, kiss for a bit

then I'll take off mine

and that is the new plan.

[Ryan] Be dominant, you can't

let her take off her own shirt.

-Ah!

-Ow.

-[Ryan]Sorry. Sorry.

-It's okay.

-sh*t, sorry

-It's okay.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-It's a--

-It's okay.

-It's a wrap around thing.

-Right.

[Laura] f*ck's sake.

Ah, got it.

Oh, it's f*cking knotted.

-Oh.

-You all right?

Yeah, right. Got it.

Ah. The jeans.

-Do you need a hand or?

-No.

[Laura]

I forgot how tight they were.

sh*t... Take them off.

This is most awkward situation

that has ever happened.

f*ck these jeans.

Ah.

-Ah.

-Ah. Here, lie down.

[sighs] Okay.

Oh, God.

This is the worst thing ever.

Ah! Thank you.

[panting]

[soft music]

I'll just...

[Ryan] Yes. Oh, yes.

[panting] Okay, relax.

I cannot wait

to tell Dan about this.

Who's the daddy now, Dan?

Got to tell him about that porno

as well in case she asks him.

Right, just stop thinking,

stop thinking.

This is a result.

[Laura] Should I stop yet?

[Ryan] Oh, I hope

it's clean down there.

What if it's too clean?

Could she taste soap?

[Laura] I can't breathe.

[Ryan]

Can she breathe down there?

Give her some air,

a little air hole.

[Laura] I don't know how long

I should do this for.

Maybe a few more swirly ones.

[panting]

[Laura]

They always work like a charm.

Hey. Thank you.

[Laura]

Please, don't go down there.

I think she wants

me to go down there.

- Don't go down there.

- She's not kissing me, so,

- yep that's what she wants.

- Oh, no he's not going to-- no!

- Oh, I hope I remember

how to do this.

- Oh, no.

[Ryan] I can't see sh*t.

Oh, God. Where is it?

Oh, it's here.

[Laura] Okay. Just relax.

[moans]

[Ryan]

Who the f*ck designed this?

[Laura] What is he doing?

Maybe stroke his hair.

[soft music continues]

[Ryan] A, B, C,

D, E, F,

G. G is a hard one.

[Laura] Okay, get him back up.

How do I end this?

Wiggle him off?

Oh, she's had enough probably

because I f*cked up the G.

You look her dead

in the eye and you say...

Hiya.

Right, here we go.

Ryan. Got a condom?

Condom yep, yep.

Right.

-Are you okay?

-Yeah.

Can never get these things

the right way, round.

Right.

-Hey.

-Ow.

[Laura clears her throat]

-Ah.

-So sorry.

-It's okay it's just,

just a bit higher.

-Yep.

Don't go soft.

Don't die on me. f*ck.

- I could just thumb it in.

- Don't thumb it in.

-Sorry.

-It's okay.

[Ryan panting]

-Give me a second. Sorry.

-Do you want me to do anything?

No, no. Sorry.

Ah.

Come on!

Sorry.

Sorry. [moaning]

[phone ringing]

Okay.

[phone continues ringing]

-Sorry about that.

-It's okay.

-I'm usually better.

-As am I.

-Just going to nip to the loo.

-Okay.

[phone ringing]

[door closes]

Oh.

[slow music]

Oh.

Well, there we are.

All done.

It was-- it was nice

seeing you again.

Yeah and you.

And thanks for, for everything.

No, no worries. No probs.

-Bye.

-Hey.

Oh.

Bye.

Just...

Bye.

[Ryan] I'm waiting out here.

Are you alright?

-Wait.

-Oh, they hurt so bad.

-Why would you hurt yourself?

-I don't know.

-Here, let me take these.

-Ah.

-I'll give you a piggyback.

Get on.

-Yes.

-Come on. Get on.

-Yes, yes, yes.

Get on. Jump, jump.

Oh no, whoa, whoa.

Oh, my God. Is this

how you see the world?

-Yep.

-Everyone looks tiny.

Wait, wait. Look how I see it.

Wow! You're a borrower.

-You're a borrower.

-I think one of us is a freak.

-Yeah, I think it's you.

-Well, I think

we should ask this guy.

Hey, excuse me, which one of us

would you say is a freak?

f*ck off.

-That was my dad.

-[laughs]

-Hey.

-Have a chip.

[slow music continues]

Oh.

-Laura. Laura.

-What?

It's that way.

I'm sorry...

about this, all of it.

-About what?

-The whole thing.

I just-- I haven't-- um--

I suppose you're going to go,

so it doesn't really matter.

I, um,

I haven't ever

really done this before.

I don't mean

that I have done that,

though it didn't look

like it, but I have.

Never well.

I haven't been with anyone

in a while and

I f*cked it.

Again, not well.

Sorry-- I'm-- I don't know

what I'm trying to say, um.

I'm sorry

I didn't take you out.

I should have. I panicked.

I don't know--

I don't know how to do this.

I don't either.

Oh, no you do.

You definitely do,

the confidence and the dancing.

Oh, God, no,

that bit wasn't strong.

I liked it.

So, what you don't usually

take girls to your bedroom

-on a second date?

-[chuckles]

I don't usually have

second dates to be honest.

I haven't met anyone

that I like in a while,

or that likes me.

Is that because of an ex

or you're just not that...

into women?

You don't have to tell me,

I'm not like one of those

girls that's like "Who is she?

Do you still see her?

Does she still love you?

Do you still love her?

do you? Do you?" [chuckles]

Do you?

-[Ryan] Oh.

-sh*t! Ryan!

Why aren't you at your mums?

Why are you having sex

with James?

I wanted to talk

to you about this.

-About what?

-Me and James.

-We're seeing each other, yeah.

-Pull out a minute.

[panting]

Oh, Ryan. I'm so sorry.

I just knew you'd be so upset.

I was going to talk to you about

it over a weekend or something,

but well,

at least you know now.

Where are your pants?

Put them on for a start.

-I'm pretty hot in here.

-Yeah.

The central heating's faulty,

you don't get the dial spot on

the temperature goes

up and up and up.

-You could take a look at it?

-Yeah, we can look at that.

On my count.

Release it now.

-Perfect.

-[Ryan crying] You didn't count.

That'll do it.

Thanks.

Oh, my God. That's so sh*t.

-Ah, the temperature's

fine though.

-Ah.

-How long were you together?

-Two and a half years.

-sh*t.

-I mean, it's fine now,

like I've-- you know, I--

we don't hang out or anything,

but like I'm not mad.

It's too cold

to be standing out here.

Do you want to come back?

Yeah.

-Amazing.

-[chuckles]

[Ryan] What about you then?

You've got to tell me about you,

if I'm telling you all this.

Fine. Right, but you have

to ask the questions, okay?

So, me and my ex we finished

five months ago. Go.

-Okay. Was it serious?

-Yes.

-How long were you together?

-Six years.

-Six years?

-Yes.

-Um... Did you live together?

-Yes.

-Are you married?

-No.

-Were you married?

-No.

-Engaged?

-Yes.

-What happened?

-You can't do that.

-What I have to guess?

-Yes.

-Did one of you cheat?

-No.

-Did he-- oh God.

He's not dead, is he?

-No.

Oh, God. I was going to say

this game is awful.

Fine, I'm just going

to tell you, okay?

So, it started about a year ago

when he told me he was bisexual.

-And you were fine with that?

-Well, yeah pretty much.

I was like

"Do you still fancy me?"

And he was like, "Yeah."

And when I thought about it,

I thought I kind of fancy

Jennifer Aniston.

-Sometimes I imagine

what she must smell like.

-Coconut.

Yes.

I've always said pia colada.

-I think she uses a lot

of scented body lotions.

-Exactly.

Okay, so anyway, I was in bed,

it must have been

like 3 A.M. or something,

-I woke up and he wasn't there.

-sh*t.

But I could hear noises

coming from downstairs.

So, I got up, I went down

and there was in the living room

-fiddling with the ornaments.

-Is that like code for...

No, no just actual ornaments.

Like a little dish

and a wooden cat thing.

-That's weird.

-I know.

And I say to him

-"Are you okay?"

-And he's like, "No."

Obviously, he's fiddling

with ornaments at like 3 A.M.

And he says, "Okay, so you know

a couple of months ago

-I told you I was bisexual?"

-Which you did.

Which I did, yeah.

So, I say, "Yeah."

And he says,

"Well I'm not. I'm g*y.

I'm sorry. I'm g*y."

And what did you say?

Well, I told him that

I thought it was a bold move

for the marriage,

but that it was okay

because he still fancied me.

And then he just stared at me

and kept repeating,

"I'm g*y. I'm g*y. I'm g*y.

-I'm g*y. I'm g*y. I'm g*y."

-And...

-"I'm g*y". Yep.

-Did you see that coming, or?

Well, looking back now I can

kind of see the signs but...

Did his boyfriend give him away?

No. I--

that was such a dad joke.

-I'm sorry.

-[chuckles]

Ah.

So, you just had

to stop everything.

-Yeah.

-I guess you would have to.

-We had a house and everything

together so.

-Oh.

To start with I was like,

"We can still live together.

We can be mates and all that."

But that really didn't work out.

So, I'm back

with my mom for now,

and if all of that

didn't happen,

I'd be getting married

next week.

[door closes]

So, is that your only ex then?

No other women

I have to fight off.

-You're going to fight them?

-Yeah, why not?

That cheating one

sounds like she deserves

a punch in the face.

Well, I'm kind

of a big deal so um--

No there've not been many.

And how many is not many?

Ah.

Are you just

making up a number?

What? No.

-I'm just trying to remember.

-You're going to lie.

How many have you had then?

-Uh...

-See, now you're going to lie.

[knocking on door]

It's not going to be for me.

No, it's going to be Dan,

he probably is going

to want to speak to you.

-He's been drinking so don't

believe anything he says.

-[knocking continues]

Just go get him,

I won't judge you I promise.

[whispering]

I have already judged you.

[Ryan] Ow.

Where are you keys?

-[suspenseful music]

-You made me give you

them back.

Please don't shut the door

just hear me out.

-What are you doing here?

-I came here to talk to you.

I called you like nine times.

You didn't pick up

which I understand,

but please can I come in?

No. I'm on my way to bed.

I'll be like ten minutes.

Five minutes. Max.

-Don't call me...

-Don't call you Max,

I know, I remember.

-Where's Dan?

-He's out.

-Are you okay?

-No, sorry. I'm--

drank some wine and--

all the wine. [chuckles]

James and I broke up.

f*cked up, massively.

[tension music]

I love you.

I keep thinking about you,

hoping that I'll bump into you

and what I'm going to say.

Does that sound pathetic?

[door closes]

-Is that, Dan?

-Give me two seconds.

I thought you said he was out.

-I found baby Ryan.

-No,

no that's,

it came with the frame.

-It didn't.

-Genuinely,

I don't know that baby.

Okay. You all right?

Yeah, no I'm--

that's-- it's not Dan in there.

It's my dad.

And he's,

he's in a pretty bad way.

Should I leave? I should leave.

No! You can't leave.

He'll see you.

Can you just wait here?

-I'll get him to leave.

-You don't have to do that,

it's your dad I don't--

It's fine, it's fine,

can you just stay here?

-Give me two minutes.

-Okay, yeah.

Hello.

-Hello. Listen.

-[moans]

I am really, really grateful

for you coming over

and saying this,

but can I call you tomorrow

when this sunk in?

Aren't you even going

to open your present Ryan?

-Yeah, I'll open it tomorrow.

-No, do it now.

Can you please stop shouting?

[tension music]

Is that James?

Well yeah, I didn't have

a photo of us two together.

Look, Ryan, you tell me

what to do and I will do it.

I won't f*ck up this time.

Why don't we watch

the Godfather trilogy

and how about I give you

your real present?

I promise I will

call you tomorrow.

Oh, God.

[crying] Ryan.

That's it. Be quiet, shh.

Up you come. Come on, that's it.

That's it. There we go.

-At least let me get

my bloody shoes.

-Shh.

[whispering] You stay here.

Yeah, all right, Dad.

Always forgetting them.

[chuckles]

There goes one.

Can I use

your toilet before I go?

-No. It's broken.

-What about your toilet?

That's also broken.

There's something wrong

with the water level

and the toilets won't fill.

The toilets

are broken, honestly.

Right, well how do

you go to the toilet?

We use the sink,

or McDonald's.

It depends on the number.

I miss you.

-Oh.

-Ryan, look at me, will you?

I stayed with him

because I hated myself

for what I did to you.

I will never forget that look.

[loud noise]

Have either of you two seen

my assorted biscuit tin?

-Hiya.

-All right?

[tension music]

You can keep those.

Beth?

Laura?

How-- how did

you know I was here?

I didn't.

Why are you here?

-Why is she here?

-You know him?

-Do you two know each other?

-Yeah.

I-- are you two

in this together?

Is that what this is?

What is this?

Oh, my God.

You're Ryan, Ryan. He's--

he's pissy Ryan? Oh, my God.

-Are you two on a date?

-Whoa, why am I pissy Ryan?

Why did you say pissy Ryan

and she said yes?

The time you had loads to drink

and pissed the bed.

-Are you two on a--?

-What three years ago?

That night? That happened

one time, one time.

-You pissed the bed loads.

-One other time

and otherwise

it's been dry nights.

Dry nights Ryan

should be what you call me.

-Are you two on a date?

-No.

No, no, so why are you here?

-Don't you live in Wales now?

-Yeah.

-You came from Wales, here?

-It was the Megabus.

It's fine. It's cheap.

It's fine.

Is this your idea

of getting back at me?

-Is it?

-No, I'm not.

I don't know what this is?

What is happening here?

Beth is who I was

out with on Friday.

And is this your ex Beth?

[crying] I don't believe this.

Beth I-- I didn't know

that that was pissy Ryan

-or dry nights Ryan.

-How do you two know each other?

Beth, if I'd have known that

I wouldn't have come here,

-and you know that.

-Fine, fine.

You two stay,

I'm going to leave.

I'll let you get on

with your little sex party.

Oi, why did you say

it was your dad?

I didn't-- I don't

know what I'm supposed to say.

This is going well, isn't it?

I'm going to go.

-No.

-No, no, no, stay.

-It's what you want, isn't it?

-Beth, stop it.

No. We'll let him choose.

Pick one.

-I'm going to go.

-No, you are going to stay

because clearly

you're the one he wants now,

unlike last week when you

were texting me asking was

I all right, saying goodnight,

like pretty much you have done

for the past two years,

telling me you love me,

you miss me.

-Here we go.

-Oh, no don't--

Listened to "The man

who can't be moved."

"Made me think of you." Wait.

Yeah, this is a really good one.

"Miss you, still can't find

a girl who compares to you."

-[door closes]

- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo

-High five.

-[girl laughs]

You see Ryan this is Tali.

Tali this is Ryan.

Tali teaches Yoga,

and yeah, Tali, Ryan.

Yeah, is it shoes or no shoes?

Hiya, Tufts. This is Tufts,

Ryan's ex-girlfriend,

who cheated on him

in this living room in fact.

That's why we don't have

a sofa anymore, isn't it?

-My name's Beth.

-Yeah, but we call her Tufts

because once happened

she shaved herself

and when the pubes grew back

came as these like tufts,

looked like individual popcorns.

I'm sorry.

I didn't see it,

definitely not,

but you told me it was rough

as f*ck, didn't you?

This lady I have definitively

never laid a gander on.

I'm assuming, you're the girl

Ryan's trying to have sex with.

-[Tali] Hello.

-[Dan] Tali everybody!

-Woo!

-Woo, woo, woo!

Well, Laura,

why don't you tell me

how long has this

really been going on for?

Nothing's been going on.

I only met him like last Friday.

Friday! What?

When you were out with me,

to cheer me up? Thanks.

-You left.

-Yes, because I was upset.

-What you two

know each other?

-Seems like it.

So, you took me out,

let me leave and then pull

my ex. Great plan!

Why are you making out

like I planned this?

I didn't even know

he was your ex,

and do you know what maybe we

could have realized this sooner

if you'd actually asked

me about my date tonight,

or you'd called me like a mate.

Oh, yeah, yeah that's it.

You mean like earlier,

when you texted me asking me

for an emergency phone call

because quote

"It is desperately needed."

and I'm not making this sh*t up.

-Look, Ryan.

-Put your phone away.

Now, I don't know if now's

a good time but has anybody lost

a pair of these?

-Ouhg.

-Is that one of yours?

That looks so much worse

and oddly so much better

than it actually is.

Look, I'm not going to argue

with you, I barely know the guy.

So, you two have obviously

got a lot to go through.

-I'm going to leave you

to it, okay?

-No honestly, Laura

-That-- it's not what you think.

-Ryan! Ryan.

-Really it looks bad, but--

-I'm done here, okay?

I've wanted someone that wanted

something else for years

and it, it doesn't work.

[sighs]

Oh, wet towels.

-[door closes]

-[Tali] I've always been like,

"A raisin is a raisin.

It's its own fruit,

and then Dan was like,

"It's a shriveled up, grape."

I was like, "What?

Did you know this?"

-He told me.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Tell us something else.

Women are f*cking crazy.

Laura is, I'm not. Anymore.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

[upbeat music]

Okay. Goblin,

-where are you from?

-[imitating a goblin's voice]

Dublin.

How will you be

leaving this club later?

-[imitating] Stumbling.

-Okay, okay.

-Seriously now.

-Yes.

How do you find the current

situation in Syria?

-[imitating] Troubling.

-Yes.

Um, what was it like receiving

the Nobel Peace Prize?

-It was very...

-[imitating] Humbling.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. All right!

-Don't worry about it.

-About what?

-About being on a date

with my friend.

-I'm not.

You've been

seeing one of my friends

for the last two years, so--

Okay, we all know

what's happened.

Why don't I open

that champagne, yeah?

You'll even like champagne.

It's made from grapes.

Oh, better not I'm pregnant.

You're-- what did you say?

[Beth] Ryan, where are

the champagne flutes?

You know, where are they?

Baby, where are your glasses?

-I'll--

-Don't.

-[Beth] Why?

-We don't have any glasses.

Please let me get her a glass.

-No.

-All right.

I don't understand this.

You've been

texting me, sending me flowers,

pretty much begging me

-to get back with you and now--

-I sold my f*cking couch!

And now you're back here

like nothing happened

-and looking for glasses?

-What's the deal

with the glasses?

But all those texts

and messages that I sent you,

you didn't reply to one,

not a single one.

I know and I'm sorry,

but if we want to make this work

you have to move on.

-Baby...

-Yeah, I have.

From you.

Baby.

You're going

to have to leave now.

Get out.

Please get out.

You're not actually

doing this, are you?

One date with my mate,

a few reps and suddenly

you're the big man.

I came here for you.

You came here for yourself

because James left you.

-Laura's right.

-Laura's an idiot.

She's an idiot

who doesn't make me feel totally

sh*t about myself all the time.

-Still an idiot though.

-Come on.

Please, get out.

Please, leave.

[door opens]

I'll raise

that child as my own.

I'm not really pregnant.

[GPS] Head southwest

for thirty meters.

Which way is southwest?

You made your choice

"pissy pants Ryan."

Hope you and "I would rather

be married to a g*y guy"

are very happy.

You certainly

f*cking deserve each other!

Ah.[gasps]

Ah, oh!

-See, she did deserve a punch

in the face.

-Ryan!

-Laura!

-Shut up. Ridiculous.

Right,

where is southwest? That way?

Where does the Megabus go from?

You can kiss

goodbye to your job.

You haven't got the authority

to sack me, Beth.

-No, but Marion does, when she--

-Marion hates you.

She f*cking hates you.

[groans]

-Marion loves me.

-[Laura] sl*t!

-Which way is it? That way?

-No, no, wait, Laura, Laura.

I'm so sorry for--

I didn't mean to lie to you.

She just turned up and I didn't

know what I was supposed to do.

I know this has got to be

like the worst date ever.

This isn't a date anymore.

-No?

-Nope.

[slow music]

sh*t do you want

a jacket or something?

No. I'm fine.

Look, I don't know

which way southwest is,

it's probably that way.

But would you

please just come in,

just for one minute.

I know I don't deserve it.

-Do you love her?

-No.

No. Honestly, no.

Laura, Laura, I am so sorry.

I didn't mean for any of this.

I-- would you please just come

in, please let me explain.

-Yeah, come inside, Laura.

-Yeah, babe, come inside.

-Yeah, come inside you.

-Stop talking, please!

[Dan] Fine.

Fine.

-[all] Yeah! Yeah!

-She's coming in!

Oh, please, please,

some room thank you.

Thank you. So much.

Do you want a drink?

I've got champagne, genuinely.

It's still in a cup,

but the caliber of drinks

has skyrocketed in here.

Do you want one?

Sure.

-[champagne bottle opens]

-Whoa, wow, wow. Oh. So erotic.

[both laugh]

-Whoa! Take it easy.

-I'm so...

Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles.

-To Streep.

-Always to Streep.

So, Goblin.

-How's the champagne?

-[imitating voice] Bubbling.

-I thought you'd forgotten.

-I didn't forget.

-Ah.

-I am so glad

you can't read maps.

I can,

it's just that first bit.

I couldn't have had you

going back to Wales thinking

I was an even worse

Ryan than Ryan the Rabbit.

Oh my God. How do

you know about my rabbit?

Because you kept talking

about him, for hours, genuinely.

I don't know why?

He was a sh*t rabbit.

Don't say that now.

-Oh. [yawning]

-Oh. That good, am I?

-Sorry.

-Are you tired?

-Yes, a bit.

-Thought you were

French kissing.

Is this a date then?

No, I don't think

we should ever date.

That would be ideal.

That's sweet.

This is actually some

really nice stuff you guys.

-Shall we go upstairs?

-Yeah.

-No, you don't have to do this.

-I do.

Just let me get the champagne,

in case we do really have...

All right. Come on.

Mind your head, whoa.

[Laura] Ooh-hoo.

[Ryan] Ready, ready boys?

Strong legs them private!

[Laura laughs]

[Dan] You might not enjoy this,

but my God you'll remember it!

-[Tali] What is wrong with you?

-[Dan] Just joking.

-[Tali] What is this? Piss?

-[Dan] Yes.

-Oh, my God. You're disgusting.

-Why? It's just piss.

-Oh, oh it stinks.

-No, it doesn't.

It was in the morning.

Stay here one minute.

-[Tali] No.

-I love you.

[door closes]

Oh. I didn't see you there.

Oh, I shouldn't worry,

it happens a lot.

I'm Tali.

Tali, I'm A...

Ah... Right.

So, we have banana,

or that could just be yellow.

This apparently

makes everything burn.

-Uf... Not that.

-I don't like those either.

We have ribbed

or glow in the dark.

I'd prefer it if my c*ck

doesn't glow to be honest.

Banana.

Right.

Come here.

No, that's just yellow.

[both chuckle]

It's just yellow.

You ready? Do you want

me to do anything?

Nah.

All right.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Ah. Okay.

-Oh.

-Okay.

-Yeah.

[both moaning]

No...

-No!

-Oh, dear.

[both laugh]

-Did you come?

-Yeah.

-I did, but I can keep going.

-Can you?

No. I'm sorry.

That's okay.

It's fine, it's fine.

Sorry about that.

Hey, it was much better

than last time.

Yeah. It was, wasn't it?

So, imagine next time.

Puff... [chuckles]

Sweat, baby, sweat, baby

Sex is a Texas drought me

And you do the kind of stuff

That only Prince

Would sing about

So put your hands down

My pants and I'll bet

You'll feel Nuts, yes,

I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert

- And you're getting

two thumbs up

-Yes. Ah!

You've had

Enough of two-hand touch

You want it rough

You're out of bounds

I want you smothered

Want you covered

Like my Waffle House

Hash browns

Come quicker than Fed Ex

Never reaching apex

Like Coca-Cola Stock

You are inclined

- To make me rise

An hour early

-f*ck.

- Just like Daylight

Savings Time

-Yes. Ah!

-I know you're watching Pikachu.

-I'm not.

-You are.

-I'm just checking my emails.

How long have

you been awake?

You and me baby

ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they

Do on the Discovery Channel

Say my name. Say my name.

Oh, I've forgotten it.

That's okay.

Love, the kind you clean up

With a mop and bucket

Like the lost

Catacombs of Egypt Only God

Knows where we stuck it

Hieroglyphics Let me be

Pacific, I want to be down

In your South Seas But I got

This notion that the motion

Of your ocean

Means small craft advisory

So, if I capsize in

Your thighs, high tide

I actually have agoraphobia.

[both chuckle]

-Right.

-What?

Right, no. I, um,

I actually have agoraphobia.

So, right.

-Cool down.

-Ah.

-Ah, right. Okay, okay.

-Oh.

f*ck it now. Right, right. Okay,

right, right. No, no. Okay.

But um-- actually, right...

Well, I thought

we were going out, so...

-Right, no. What.

-Just--

Oh, my God. Just say it

really quick, right? Ready?

I just--

I thought we were going out.

Right.

Can we-- can we cut?

Nothin' but mammals

So, let's do it like they do

On the Discovery Channel

Do it again now

You and me baby

Ain't nothin' but mammals

So, let's do it like they

Do on the Discovery Channel

Gettin' horny now