Boyfriend School, The (1990)

[bunniefuu]

"Chapter One...
Charleston, South Carolina.

"Chelsea tried to keep her gaze
from slipping back to Chance Peter's face,

to those rugged plains... "
Rugged plains?

No, no, that was Cliff
in "The Night Was Hard."

"Chapter One... Chelsea grasped
the large black iron gates

"of Chance Peter's mansion.

They were stiff and heavy.
They moved..."

Nah.

"Chapter One...
Charleston, South Carolina.

"Chelsea tried to keep her gaze
from slipping back...

back to Chance Peter's
bald, puffy face. She..."

Wait a minute.
That's Gus I'm thinking about.

Oh, Gus, my little brother.
What am I gonna do about you?

You're cured!
You've made it through!

Why can't you see it?

Gus, you've got
a whole new life.

Don't waste it.
Take a chance!

Gus, you need to fall in love.

Get 'em, Taff.
Death to the invaders.

They threaten your
territorial integrity, they die.

This is it, Gus.
The final, absolute last delivery.

As of today,
no more meals on wheels.

- I'm gonna force you to go out.
- Not to eat.

- Why not to eat?
- Don't be obtuse.

- Gus, you don't look that bad.
- Oh, yeah, I look swell.

What about that toupee I got you?

The toupee!

Oh, yes.

Yes, indeed, the toupee.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only...

microwaved lounge singer!

Let the record show, hey!

I took the blow

And did it my way

Thank you.
You've been a beautiful audience.

I love you.
Don't change.

Gus...

Your hair is going to grow back
and you're going to look great.

- I'm gonna look like Mr. Potato Head.
- No, you're not.

You're getting better.
The swelling's going.

What you've been through
has put character on your face.

And the kind of woman you want

responds to that a lot better
than some pretty boy.

You're gonna be swamped.
Trust me.

Eternally upbeat.

Do you realize how much
you sound like Mom?

Well, I'm not just saying that.

As Viveca Lamoureaux,

I have a professional obligation
to know what women want.

- Lizzie, you write romance novels.
- Exactly.

I have to know the secret desires
of American women

if I'm going to fulfill them.

Trish asked about you.

No.

Do not even consider
going into matchmaker mode.

Oh, great, look at this.

Hungry Man, Cup O'Soup,
Cup O'Stew, Cup O'Noodles.

Do you mind
not indexing my garbage?

What's this?

Please, by all means,
review my mail.

Get Well cards?

When you're through,
my diary's upstairs.

"Dear Gus, this is the first
fan letter I've ever written.

"I'm so glad you're
on the road to recovery

"and doing the cartoons again.

"I really missed them
while you were in the hospital.

"Well, that's about all.
I just wanted you to know

"how many people
are out here rooting for you

"and how much enjoyment
you bring us.

All the best,
Amanda Fairchild."

She sounds nice.

It seems to me that an enterprising
single guy could find a date

amidst all those thousands
of adoring fans.

Thousands of adoring fans?

Lizzie, I do obscure cartoons
for an obscure magazine

read by obscure people
leading obscure lives.

Don't make me into Gary Trudeau.

And I don't want to date.

I know.
That's your problem.

You wanna go directly
from "Hi, I'm Gus Kubicek"

to adjoining burial plots.

My body still glows like a night light
from the radiation therapy, okay?

I'm not ready to jump out there
and be Bachelor #1.

I'm sorry.

I just want you attached,
you know...

here.

I was so scared
for so long, Gus.

It was hard.
It was really, really hard.

I just want you to be happy

so you'll be around a long time.

I will.

I promise you, I will, Lizbo.

I know, I know, I know.

I know I've been
too much of a recluse.

Even before I got sick,
I wasn't exactly Mr. Swingle.

I'd like to meet somebody.

Sagittarius, right?
Libra.

Scorpio.
I knew it. I knew it.

I looked at you and I said "Scorpio."
There's something about you.

I'm pretty good at identifying it.
Most people aren't.

The first two, I was just...

'Cause you could easily be
one or the other, or the third,

which you are, indeed.

I think you'll remember
that I did say that.

I'm not a secretary,
I'm a writer.

A journalist.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Se?orita! Excuse me.

- It's still dos para uno, si?
- Yeah, still two for one.

Okay, then m?s.
Muchos m?s margaritas.

- No, you had enough.
- No No, es bueno. Es bueno!

Muchos m?s margaritas
por la se?orita.

Come on, it's Happy Hour.
Let's get happy.

You're not running off
on me, are you, Elise?

It's Emily.

My name...
it's Emily, not Elise.

Emily. Emily, of course!
That's what I meant... Emily.

Great name.

How about dinner?

Elise.

Emily, Emily, come on.

You know that I'm right.
It'd be a perfect assignment for you.

"The Lovboree."

You can nail Viveca Lamoureaux and
her sisters of the dripping pen of love.

Viveca Lamoureaux?

It's not just
a great opportunity for the paper,

it's a perfect piece for you...

one of your patented
sensitive, empathic profiles.

What do you say?
Are you interested?

You people with your natural energy.
How do you do it?

We sleep, Trout,
We occasionally sleep.

So, do you have a number
on this woman?

You want me
to write the piece for you?

- Mr. Renault! My client...
- One moment.

- Hello, Grackle.
- Mr. Renault!

One moment,
I'll transfer you.

Coffee time.

Renault!

Let's just take a quiet moment out
for ourselves, shall we?

I need to see
Mr. Renault right now.

Mr. Renault, please.

There's something I've been
thinking a lot about lately,

almost uncontrollably.

What kind of father
do you think I'd make?

Depends on the species
you had in mind.

No, really, I'm serious.

Don't you ever think
about, like, continuity?

Like, the great
ongoing drama of human life,

of man, of woman, of child...
maybe a little family?

Now that you mention it,
I do... a lot, actually.

- Which is why...
- Mr. Renault, my client...

Your client is blowing smoke.

You cannot libel garbage
by saying it stinks...

Jesus...

Discussion closed...

My lawyer will contact you
on Monday morning.

At 4:00, Viveca Lamoureaux
will be reading excerpts from her novels

Passion's Price
and The Night Was Hard

in the Grand Ballroom.

At 5:00,

Babette Wilcox will be
delivering her lecture "Get it Up"

from her book
The A to Y of Sexual Tension.

Viveca Lamoureaux.

"His name was Chance Peters,
his touch was magic."

Are you waiting for someone?

Yeah, Viveca.

You're not wearing a nametag,
you must be a reporter, too.

I used to write
for the Herald.

Beth, Beth.

Lizzie Potts.
Who are you covering this confab for?

The Grackle.
Emily Pear.

Would you move it?

Have you ever been
to a Lovboree before?

No.

Not exactly something I'd like
to make a lifelong habit.

Viveca Lamoureaux?
Where do they get these names?

I wonder if she'll be another one
of those Tootsie look-alikes.

So you're doing a feature story?
You cover the lifestyle beat?

- What's your beat?
- What? Oh, used to be police.

L'amour is my beat now.

Viveca Lamoureaux
was my mother's maiden name.

You're...
Oh, God.

- Would you laugh again?
- Laugh?

Listen, what I was saying,
I didn't mean it.

I wasn't referring to...
Oh, God, I am so sorry...

I just want a great big hole
to open up and swallow me.

Don't worry about it. We're used
to condescension and insults.

Are you married?

What a way to start an interview.

Married? No.

Involved?
Seeing anyone steadily?

Depends on what you mean
by "steadily."

I was. I mean...

He wants us
to see other people.

That's pretty unsteady,
I guess. Why?

Research. I've been married so long,
I don't wanna lose touch with what

today's single woman
is looking for in a man.

So, how did you start
writing romance novels?

On yellow legal pads
with Bic fine-point pens.

What are you looking for in a man?
Money? A great body?

Terrific sex?

None of those things hurts,

I guess.

Do they?

I don't know.
What am I looking for?

A pair of warm feet
on a cold night,

someone who cares about me,

someone that I care about.

Integrity.
That's what I want.

You just don't find
a lot of integrity out there.

Am I still speaking
for today's single woman?

- Could I interview you for a while?
- Sure. I've got everything I need.

One last question... what are you doing
for dinner this Saturday?

Country and western harlots
to the Green Room, please.

Lance, Ray, Hawk, Thorn...

all those characters
were based on me?

Yes. Emily...

You mean, I was Rod
in The Night Was Hard?

I never knew that.

We looked at the house,
and I had to have it.

I knew it'd be
an inspiration for my work,

but it was urine yellow everywhere,
so we had to change that.

I wanted to restore all the moldings
and the cottage cheese ceiling.

- Chance Peters?
- Yes.

Let's go upstairs.

I was Chance Peters?

I was Chance Peters
in "Passion's Pride"?

You go on ahead, Emily.

Jeez, Kilorad!

Yes.
I love you, too.

Go on. Go on.

Don't mind Kilorad.
He doesn't like anyone but my brother.

I wonder where he is?
He's never late.

When he says he's going
to do something, he does.

He's just that way.

Good going, Liz.

Start me out easy,
like with Playmate of the Millennium.

Not too intimidating.

When I saw him doing the ceilings,
I called him "Mitchell-angelo."

Beautiful.

sh**t!

You said you wanted to read
through the Viveca Lamoureaux oeuvre.

Wow!

- You wrote all these?
- Yeah, every sizzling word.

Take your time,
return them when you're through.

Lizzie, I could use
some galley help, s'il te plait.

Excusez-moi.

Hello.

What's your name?

My name's Emily.

Is that your doggy?

- What's your daughter's name?
- Annabelle. Or Piglet.

Mostly Piglet.

- Does she talk?
- No.

- Yes.
- No.

She does so, just because you
can't understand what she's saying.

One word.
She says one word, "Unkow."

Not "Dada,"
not "Mama," "Unkow."

- Is it my fault she likes Gus?
- She's three and she grunts.

Oh, you're so...
She's a little preverbal.

Maybe Unkow Gus doesn't have
all these super-baby expectations.

Super-baby?
We should have called her "Clarabelle."

What?

The clown
with Howdy Doody with the horn.

Poopsie, you're back.

What do you have in your mouth?

Annabelle, what do you have
in your mouth?

Show Mommy
what you have in your...

Piglet, what has
Mommy told you

about putting mineral oil
compounds in our mouth?

They dissolve oil-soluble vitamins...

that means
vitamin deficiency and disease.

Give Mommy the bolt.

Piglet, the bolt, please.

Thank you. You...

Think of it this way... she likes you.
She's giving you a present.

Come on, in the bathroom.

Bedtime soon.

- Piglet.
- Unkow.

Piglet, don't tell them I'm here.

Piglet! Don't tell
Mommy I'm here!

I'll just run this out
to the laundry room,

have it back for you in a jiff.

Don't go anywhere.

Yes, yes, we'll draw later.

Where's Mommy, Piglet?

Lizzie?

Lizzie, you in there?
Look, you have to count me out.

I can't go through with this.
I can't get the rug on right.

Oh, gosh!

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry!
I thought you were my sister!

Oh, God!

The soup turned out
really well this time.

It did, didn't it?
You know...

I think that my ginger-to-coriander ratio
that I'd been working with

was skewed just a little bit
too heavily towards the ginger.

Dinner music...
that's what we need.

A little dinner music.

Oh, yeah.

Much better.

Okay, moving right along.

Lizzie, if you'll clear,
it's time for the...

Lizzie tells me you're a writer.

Lizzie tells me you're a writer.

- You're a writer?!
- Yes!

She tells me that
you're a cartoonist.

- That sounds very interesting.
- It does?

Yes.

It is.

It is.
It's very interesting.

So, is it hard coming up
with ideas all the time?

Well, actually, I work
for a weekly magazine,

so I don't have to come up
with a new idea every day.

And you... do you come up
with your own ideas, or...?

Well...

Sometimes I come up
with my own ideas,

and then sometimes
my editor comes up...

Oh, editors!

And a lot of times
we come up with ideas together.

So, cartooning...

Have you always
wanted to be a cartoonist?

Well, actually, it's the same...

With me,
it was the old story.

Doodled my way through school,

thinking I was studying
to be a lawyer,

but actually I was
learning cartooning.

All righty.

We'll start
with our guest of honor.

There we are.
Hold on, more coming.

There we are.
And one more.

It's the traditional
three-scoop serving.

Well?

Very interesting.

A little salty.

Kind of like chewy tears.

A little gritty.

A little sandy.
What exactly is this?

Jellyfish salad.

All right.
Gus, you're next.

All righty.

There's one...

Number two...

And that traditional third scoop.

There we are.

Mitchell, Mitchell.

Say "cheese."

Cheese.

First door on the right.

Well, that was
an unmitigated disaster.

I wouldn't call it that.

What would you call it when
the guest of honor blows her tentacles?

Look out there.

What do you see?

I see the poor schnook
who's crushed by humiliation

and hacked off at his sister

for putting him in the most
embarrassing social situation

of his life.

We got off
to a little rocky start.

I think a spark
has been lighted here tonight...

a spark that with
a little judicious fanning

will turn into an all-consuming,

all-forgiving
mutual blaze of passion.

Sweetheart, you have been reading
too much Viveca Lamoureaux.

You're busted.

So, it's going to be
yet another warm human story

affirming the dignity
of even the sorriest of lives.

They didn't turn out
to be bubble-brains.

Perfect.

Leave it to you to find
a Rhodes Scholar at the Lovboree.

Fulbright.

Lizzie Potts,
she was a Fulbright Scholar.

Finno-Ugric language patterns
in the Urals.

That's before she found out
she couldn't make a living in linguistics

and switched to journalism.

That was very shrewd.
Got into journalism for the bucks.

Very canny, indeed.

Well, that's why she
switched to romance novels.

I can't see him all day?

A Fulbright scholar
writing romance novels.

She's written an armful.

A Fulbright Scholar? That's what
the people want to read about...

the intelligentsia
behind Passion's Price.

Trout, I have to write
what I see.

Shouldn't you be doing it for
Guideposts Magazine or something?

Quit playing crusty editor.

I'm the best writer you have
who's brain-damaged enough

to work for what you pay,
and you know it.

I like it when you're feisty.

Let's stop seeing other people.

I thought we weren't even gonna
discuss this issue again.

- Rule change.
- You always do that.

- Where were you Saturday night?
- Oh, I see.

We should be seeing other people,
except when "we" includes me.

Where?

Why should I tell you anything?

Because you want to.

Come on, baby, tell your little dog
your big dog's home.

Don't speak to me in blues lyrics.
You always do this.

You're only interested in me
when some other man wants me,

and you lose interest
when you have me.

No, it's sick.
I'm not a yo-yo.

That's the old Trout.
This is the new Trout.

Come on. The whole time we've
been apart, I haven't been able to think

about being with anybody else.

I want us to be together.

You know that now you've got
the king bee buzzing around your hive.

"Chelsea stopped and put her canteen
to her ripe, sun-plumped lips.

"Only then did she notice that a lone,
broad-shouldered man on horseback

"was silently watching her.

"A slow, arrogant smile
spread across his male lips,

"causing an instinctive spasm to uncoil

from Chelsea's
most secret female core."

Lizzie, please.
"Secret female core"?

"His masterful male hands found
the passion-hardened centers

"of her breasts.

"Chelsea's bones seemed to melt.

"He pressed her to him,

"to the unyielding wall
of his chest, his loins.

"She felt the swollen evidence
of his male arousal

"and the inevitability
of surrender

"to the need throbbing
within her secret core.

" 'Yes,' she gasped.

'Oh, yes, Chance.
Yes, now.' "

Yeah, be right there!

It's me, Lizzie.

I brought you some chicken soup.

How you feelin'?
I didn't wake you up, did I?

No, I was getting up.

- I feel better.
- Good.

We never finished
that interview.

Interview?

Oh, yes, the interview.
Would you like a cup of coffee?

Can't drink coffee. I'm naturally
wound up a bit too tight.

Well, I'll just...

I thought we could get into
some of the issues

we touched on the other day.

The role of romance novels
in readers' lives.

There are also the arguments

that romance novels
are porn for housewives.

We could explore
that issue as well.

And the origin
of the romance novel.

Is it a descendent of the Bront?s
and Jane Austen, as some contend?

Or, as I'm inclined to believe,
is it a corruption

of the 19th-century
dime novel and melodrama?

I believe we can see a direct line
from the Regency novels to...

- Can I get you anything?
- No! Annabelle!

Don't play
with the space heater coil!

Piglet, if you breathe gas,

it will tie up
all your available hemoglobin,

and there'll be none left
for oxygen transfer.

Your lips and nail beds
will turn cherry red,

and you'll die
of carbon monoxide poisoning.

I like to acquaint her
with consequences.

- Are you ready?
- Yes.

No, I need a notebook
and a pencil.

Use this. I keep it with me
to dictate ideas at stoplights.

Thank you.

Let's see. I stayed up late
last night and I read Passion's Price.

You did?
What'd you think?

Well...

Aren't you a little worried
about raising false expectations?

Your hero, Chance Peters,
he's too perfect.

So you'd prefer
a more realistic hero...

a sweet, average-looking,
everyday guy with tons of integrity.

Of course!

You leave that handsome rogue fantasy
behind in high school.

Well, I am so glad
to hear you say that,

because at this point,
Gus is hardly a dream babe.

Gus? I was speaking
in the abstract,

not about anything realistic.

Oh, I don't think
it's at all unrealistic.

I think you have
a very good chance with Gus.

I don't know
how to tell you this.

Gus is such a nice guy,
a terrifically nice guy.

But I'm sort of involved
with someone already.

- You are?
- Well, yes, sort of.

I'm just not interested.
I'm sorry, it's my fault.

I bet you 'd be interested if he had
a sardonic smile and thick wavy hair.

Well, he doesn't have
any hair at all, does he?

No.

And neither would you if you'd
almost died of Hodgkin's disease

and had a year
of radiation and chemotherapy.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know!

I thought he might be sick,
but radiation...

- Normally he's quite good-looking.
- It's not looks.

When you meet someone
and they're the one, you just know.

Looks really don't have
that much to do with it.

Right.

You'd have fallen for Gus
like a ton of bricks if he'd been

devastatingly handsome
and treated you like sh*t.

I would not have!

Don't get mad
just because I don't wanna...

Spit that bug out.

"Handsome rogue fantasy."

"Left it behind in high school."

Annabelle,
listen to your mother.

There is none so blind
as she who will not see.

"Ga-ga," indeed.

It's about time some people
had their eyes opened.

There's the little Piglet!

Hiya, honey.

How you doing?

You're smitten
with Emily, aren't you?

- What?
- It's true, right?

And, Gus, she's not gonna
give you the time of day.

Did you talk to her?
What did she say?

Gosh, Lizzie! Why do you
keep sticking your nose in my...?

I'm your brother,
not your Ret*rded son!

Forget it.
We don't have time to split hairs.

She's going to get married
if we don't act fast.

Married?

To who?

I can make Emily
fall in love with you.

I'm not kidding.

What have I been doing
for the past five years?

Creating heroes for women,

millions of women,
to fall in love with.

Gus, you can be
one of those heroes.

Come on.

All right, all right.

But as sure as I'm standing here,
you're gonna lose her.

Leave my love life
to me, okay?

Why, so you can
adore her from afar?

Not that I'm even thinking
about agreeing with you,

but what have you got in mind?

Just a few small changes,

the little details
that women love.

Muscles, for instance.

I can work out on my own,
I already plan to.

I know. I was just thinking
that if you had a coach

- and an all-out intensive program...
- I can handle that, Lizzie.

Gus, I wasn't even implying
that you can't.

I would simply act
in a supervisory capacity

to help you.

And improve a...

couple other minor areas.

- Like what?
- The way you dress,

speak, wear your hair...
when you've got some.

The way you chew, the fact that
you wear pajamas to bed.

Gus, pajamas
aren't gonna get it.

I would suggest
a pair of bikini briefs...

colored,
maybe even a teal.

Stop!

I'm not gonna discuss

teal jockey shorts
with my sister.

You're never gonna
get her to go out with you.

Butt out!

I'm a big boy now!

I'll choose my own underwear.

And I'll get Emily Pear
to go out with me.

Hello?

Hi, Emily.
Gus here.

Sorry, who is this?

Gus Kubicek.

Lizzie Potts' brother
from the jellyfish night.

Oh, Gus!
Yeah, from the jellyfish night.

- Hi.
- Hi.

A friend of mine gave me
some tickets to a concert...

the... Cowboy Junkies.

And I was wondering
if you'd like to go. With me.

If we could go together.

I'm having
some oral surgery done.

Oh, oral surgery.

That's painful.

Yeah.

Well, a little after that is

the Beijing Acrobats,

which are a fascinating group
of Chinese.

- I've seen...
- I'm taking Cajun cookery class.

And I already paid,

and there's about 18 lessons.

We're making crawfish ?touff?e.

Really? That's very good.

That's very tasty.

- Maybe another time.
- Okay.

Sorry.

It's okay.

- Bye.
- Okay. Well, bye.

- Hello?
- Okay.

But no teal briefs.

First, and most basic,
is attitude.

Women like men
who are a little dangerous,

the lone wolf.

I've got it! Lobo!

- Lobo?
- Lobo.

Since time is of the essence here,

what we're gonna need
is instant devastation.

That means you have to be foreign.

What accents can you do?

French.

I am Lobo. I hunt alone.
I need no one.

Try Spanish.

I am Lobo. I hunt alone.
I need no one.

I'll have to give it
some thought.

Come on, come on,
move it, Gus. Come on!

Come on!

All right, look,
we gotta work on the tan.

Take your shirt off.

The only thing that women like better
than muscles are brown muscles.

Put it on! Put it on!

Quirk, flare, clench, squint.

Quirk, flare, clench, squint.
Are you doing this, Gus?

Quirk, flare, clench, squint.

The only accent you're going
to be able to get away with

is one that nobody's
ever heard before.

Lobo is going to be
from New Zealand...

a kiwi.

Listen, absorb, repeat.

Taffy, come over here.

Come here.
Good boy.

Yeah, yeah,
that's a good little boy.

"And a man needs

"a bit of home in his pocket

"when he's a rootless wanderer

questing through..."
Taffy, come here.

"Questing through
this savage world

in search of..."

Hey, wait, baby.
Going our way?

Yeah, yeah,
you're ready for Stage Two.

Stage Two?
What's wrong with me now?

Nothing, nothing.
Cosmetic transformation only.

This is so sleazy.

I only have $2,
and I pumped 23.

But I can return
the rest to you tomorrow.

No, you don't do that,
do you?

Well, let's see.
Do you take credit cards?

Sears?

Well, I have
this old watch, it's...

Wrong place
and real wrong time, girlie.

Don't move or say anything,
or I'll k*ll ya.

She bought it...
from a distance.

But I didn't speak.

I am Lobo. I hunt alone.
I need no one.

I am Lobo. I hunt...

No, you're not leaving.

What do you mean "I'm not leaving"?

I'm getting out of here.
This is dangerous.

You're not getting out of here,
you're Lobo!

I am not Lobo!
God, I'm in trouble.

This guy's huge.
This guy's huge!

All right, just find a weapon.
Find a weapon.

No, not meat snacks.

This? You'll hit him over the head,
he'll eat it. Put that away.

All right, find something.

Be smart.
Pickled eggs, no. Pigs feet, no.

Gotta get something.
You gotta save this girl.

I'm not gonna save this girl.

Just calm down, relax.
You can do this.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

I thought he was gonna k*ll me.
Did you see that g*n?

If you hadn't come along...
I thought you were gonna leave!

I'm gonna get the police
to pin a medal on your chest, boy.

Put you on the front page
of the paper.

You a genuine hero, boy.

I gotta get out of here.

Vince! Vince!

Leave her! You're hurt!
The police are coming.

- No authorities.
- Authorities?

- Are you wanted?
- No.

But I'm up a gum tree
with the green card drongos.

Green card?
You're an ill*gal alien.

Come on.
Come on.

All right.

I'm sorry your dress got soaked.

Oh, your hand!

Okay, this might sting a little.

Better?

I coulda rang for a bloody cab from
any one of those booths we passed.

Right.
And just abandon you?

Would you like a drink?
Maybe something for the pain?

- Have you any whooskey?
- "Whooskey"?

Whiskey.

- Any particular kind of whiskey?
- Whatever you've got.

I'll just go inventory
the liquor cabinet.

Okay, let's see.

We have...

Frangelico, Kahlua,
Grand Marnier, and Coco Ribe.

They all sound great,
you choose.

What? Was that you?

I am Lobo. I hunt alone.
I need no one.

Haven't you got anything
with a bit of hair on it,

with a bit of bite to it?

I've got some gin.
But I don't have any tonic.

But I have some caffeine-free
Diet Sprite, I could mix that in.

Just the gin, please.
A large glass, if you will.

...rootless wanderer,
yearning void...

Spirits for the spirits.

It's an old Maori custom,

some would say superstition.

But this little fella
hasn't let me down yet,

so he always
gets his nip first.

Looks like something
off of Easter Island.

Really?

It reminds me of home.

And a man needs
a bit of home in his pocket

when he's a rootless wanderer

questing through this savage world
in search of...

What?

...of a way to fill the yearning void
within himself.

Who knows?

Here's to ya,
Miss Emily Pear.

How did you know that?

- What?
- My name.

The magazine.

You seem to be searching
for something, too.

What are you talking about?

It's in the eyes.

All in the eyes.

What I see in yours

is deep doubt
behind a facade of assurance.

There is not.

I'm very sure about Trout,
it's what I want. It's time.

- Marriage, is it?
- Isn't that what you saw?

I only see what
a person's feelin'...

even if they don't always
know themselves what that is.

You missed on me,
because I am very happy

- about marrying Trout, very sure...
- My ankle!

I'm so sorry!

I'm so sorry!
I didn't mean to do that!

Please don't pass out.
Please don't pass out.

Oh, you passed out.

Wake up.
Please wake up.

No, you're right.

Just rest, relax.
Don't wake up.

Just...

Oh, God!

Hello?

Hi, Trout.
No, I'm awake.

I just haven't
spoken yet this morning.

Trout, can I call you back?

There's Jehovah's Witnesses
on my porch. Gotta go.

Hello!

How's my little patient doing?

There was a robbery?
You stopped a robbery?

And then...

she kissed me.

She kissed us.

She kissed him!

Deep down, I really didn't think
she was gonna go for Lobo.

I thought you might feel that way.

That's why I've called in
a sensuality consultant.

Sensuality consultant?

Now, mostly at my workshops
I talk about how to establish

and heighten your sexual tension.

I'll assume here that we can move
straight to the heightening.

I really appreciate you
coming by. My sister...

Does frank and open discussion
of human sexuality embarrass you?

No, no, of course not.

Well, yes.

- Look, this is not the problem.
- Good!

Then if you'll just hold your questions
until after my presentation.

Making love is like
building a barbecue fire.

These areas here and here
are your charcoal.

Now, you don't want
to involve these areas

until you've got
a good hot fire roaring.

And how do we do that?

Come on, goose.
Weren't you ever a Boy Scout?

Sure, sure,
but we never...

I mean,
we may have wanted to.

With... I don't know...

- Sticks in the shape of a teepee.
- All right!

Very good.

Kindling.
We must have kindling.

And here, these are
our kindling areas...

arms...

neck...

fingers...

- instep...
- Instep?

...ankles.

Now, to make a woman truly yours,
you've got to have that slow burn.

Let me demonstrate.

Do you see this,
what I'm doing with my tongue?

Observe closely.
I'll demonstrate again.

No. No!
Absolutely not!

I don't want this Lobo jerk
doing that to Emily with his tongue.

What's the shouting about?

I should have stayed last night.
She kissed me.

Not everyone is
emotionally secure enough

for my presentation.

Excuse us just a minute.

You know the magic ingredient.

The heroine must believe
that the hero is unattainable.

Emily can't know that she can have you
until the last page of the book.

But that isn't fair to Emily.

She's gotta come after you,
or none of this is gonna work.

She'll marry Trout, and both
of you will be miserable
for the rest of your lives.

Why is she gonna come after me?
She doesn't even know my name.

Our name, his name!

She's going to come after you
because we've given her

a plausible excuse.

- The plastic geegaw.
- Your personal totem.

Returning it is
the right thing to do.

People always do the right thing...
when it serves their purposes.

Thank you so much, Babette.
That was fabulous.

- We didn't even get to the cl*max.
- No. Well...

Trout, come on,
we gotta do this, man.

Yeah, Thursday.

I have to get
these proofs to Jeff.

- How about dinner tonight?
- Dinner? Tonight?

Let me think about it.

- You're being awful distant lately.
- Me, distant?

No, it's you.

You're the one who's distant,
thinking about other people.

Babycakes, what is this?

It's nothing.
I found it.

I like it.
Let me have it.

For an engagement present.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but isn't the man supposed to give
the woman an engagement gift,

something in the form
of a ring?

I'm getting to it.
I want to find just the perfect one.

In any event,
it isn't mine to give.

I have to find the owner
and return it to him.

- Him?
- Them.

It's the right thing to do.

- Trout, did you want me?
- Yeah.

Nothing had better
have happened to that bike.

Don't worry.

sh*t, there's Emily!

Miss Emily Pear.

Didn't expect
to see you here today.

Guarding me bike, are ya?

Where did you...?

No. I wanted
to return this to you.

You left it,
but I don't know your name.

Sorry.
I was a bit scatty last night.

Lobo.
Lobo Marunga.

Where are you going?

You can't ride that bike
with your ankle.

- Do you have to go?
- Hop on.

- What?
- Hop on.

Now do this.

- This?
- Right.

Arms around here.
Right.

What are you doing?

I thought you'd show me
the scenic wonders hereabouts.

No, I have to
get back to work.

I could get arrested
if I let you leave town

without teaching you the Shag.

I'm not much of a dancer.

Well, it's not much
of a dance.

Now, if you can walk,
you can do the Shag, okay?

Just one-two-three,
one-two-three, back, up, that's it.

Okay? Ready?

One-two-three,
one-two-three, back, up...

Good, you're doing great.

My name...

it's...

it's Lobo.

I know.
I like your name.

I like it a lot.

Give me your hand.

If you ever
feel like calling.

If it wouldn't compromise
your betrothal.

I like you, Emily Pear.

I like you a lot.

Maybe too much.

- Hello?
- Lobo?

Is Lobo there?

Yeah, he's lifting
some weights right now.

I'll go get him.

I wouldn't have called,
except for...

I do appreciate that.

- Well, I mustn't keep you.
- You're leaving?

Wait.

Could you drop me off?
My car, something's wrong with it...

the battery or the universal joint,
I don't know.

Anyway, a friend of mine
needs me to return some stuff,

- and I was wondering if maybe...
- All right.

I'll just go.

Stuff!
I need some stuff!

Where's some stuff?

Come on!

Actually, I'll just wait right here
if you don't mind.

Oh, come on.
Liz is a character, you'll like her.

I'm not much on characters.
Solid citizens, the ordinary,

tax attorneys...
much more my cup of tea.

Come on, you'll have a good time.
It'll be lots of fun.

Coming.

Annabelle, sweetheart, don't stick
your tongue in the wall socket.

If you complete the circuit, electricity
with a frequency of 60 cycles per second

will flow through you,
paralyzing your respiratory organs

and damaging
the central nervous system.

- A character.
- Coming!

Come in!

Hi. I brought you back
your books.

I wanna introduce you
to a friend of mine, Lobo.

Lobo, this is Lizzie.
She's a writer.

Lobo, is it?

Yes, Lobo.

Oh, Kilorad.

- Friendly pooch, eh?
- He likes you.

Didn't you say that this dog
didn't like anyone except your brother?

He's opening up.

You two just have a seat,
and I'll be right back.

Where did you say you're from?

Bavaria?

New Zealand.

Auckland.

What did you say you wrote?

Suspense thrillers?

New Zealand. I've always
wanted to visit New Zealand.

The Maoris, the sheep...

The lure of the faraway
and exotic.

Quite.

Well, it's all so romantic.

Unkow, Unkow.

Baby Belle, hello.

She's still not talking?

No actual verbalizations per se.

- There is the odd word.
- Unkow!

Cute little nipper.
I must remind her of this...

Gus? No, you guys
don't look anything alike.

Gus has brown eyes,
and his hair...

Well, the joker must
have something going for him.

Loved by dogs and small children...
can't be all bad, can he?

He's very sweet.

I don't really know him
that well, but nice.

A very, very nice guy.

Let's go, boy, let's go.

Oh, boy.
Here we go.

Here we go, boy.
Here we go. That a boy.

Be back in a jiff.

Milk's in the kitchen, honey.

I reckon she wants me
to draw a bit, eh?

Got the hog fixed, huh?
Looks cherry, dude.

Gus, you in here?

There you are, Gus.

Guess...
guess what I just saw?

A motorcycle.

A large chocolate motorcycle
right in front of my house.

Hello, Emily.
Nice to see you.

I see that you've brought
a complete stranger

who I've never met before
in my life into my house.

This is nice.
Nice surprise.

Mitchell, I'd like you to meet
my friend Lobo Marunga.

Lobo, this is
Lizzie's husband Mitchell.

Lobo Marunga.

Annabelle, light of my life.

I see that you've met our visitor
from a foreign land.

Unkow!

How did you know that?

How did I know what?

That Lobo was foreign.

No one mentioned it.

He hasn't spoken.

He is, isn't he?
You are, aren't you?

- You are, aren't you?
- Very much so.

See, there you go.

Yes, but how did you know?

Body odor?

Body odor?

Yes, body odor.

It was his body odor.

He didn't smell American.
It was more of a foreign smell.

I noticed it right away.
I'm surprised you didn't pick up on it.

I could use a drink.

I don't think Lizzie
approves of you.

Why?

She had some crazy notion
about me and her brother.

Really?

She told me
not to fall in love with you.

Good advice.

It may already be too late.

I really better
be pushing on now.

g*y?

Diseased?

Married?

I cannot do this anymore!
It is over!

Over?

You are inches away
from where you wanna be.

Once she's consumed
by the whirling vortex of desire,

there'll be no turning back.

You can reveal
who you really are,

and she'll be so far gone,
she won't even care.

She loves you, Gus,
and you love her.

She loves beard stubble
and a pair of contact lenses.

Marriages...

long, happy marriages
have been based on less.

It's over, Lizzie.

I'm pulling the plug on Lobo.
This is not fair to Emily.

I have to tell her.

Trout, listen to me.

- You're breaking off the engagement!
- Yes.

- No!
- Yes!

- I think we should see other people.
- See other people?

Why would you want
to see other people?

Emily, you're the only one for me.

Look, I know that this is
very painful for you, okay?

It isn't easy for me.

There's someone else, isn't there?

Of course.

Of course.
I should have known.

What? What?

Your stories have been late.
You never miss deadlines.

Deadlines? How can you
talk about deadlines?

I always meant more to you
as a writer than a lover.

Emily, honey, baby,

how can you say that
to me, the king bee?

Emily, what we had
was so precious.

It was so fine.

You were the best thing
that ever happened to me.

You will still write for me,
won't you?

I just couldn't bear
to lose you entirely.

- Of course, Trout.
- Okay.

Come on,
it's time to go.

Come on, baby,
one for the road.

Trout, try to control
your grief, okay?

Come on.
Time to go.

Come on.

See ya.

Mandy, I told you to stay down.

Like it's real comfortable
being squished back here for an hour.

Did you do it?
Did you break off the engagement?

If you didn't, I think Daddy's going
to have to seriously rethink

- investing in The Grackle.
- Yes, I did. I did it.

I told you I'd do it, I did it.
We're finito, all right?

I just couldn't leave her
in an hysterical state.

- Oh, cool!
- Yeah, keen-o.

No, Trout!
No more "one for the road."

Forget this!

This is very, very demeaning.

- I have something to tell you.
- No, I have something to tell you...

to ask you, two questions.

- Are you g*y?
- g*y? No, I am not...

Great.
Are you free of disease?

I've got an ingrown toenail,
but, Emily...

Don't talk.
That's all I wanted to know.

I don't care if you're married.
I know that you're leaving.

I know that we'll only have
this one night, but I want it, Lobo.

I want the memory.

You're leaving?

I have to go.

I know.

I didn't want to hurt you.
Please don't cry.

What happened to your voice?

- I don't have to go.
- You don't?

No.

But it would involve
a few changes.

I'd have to become
an American.

A green card marriage, yes.
Everybody's doing it nowadays.

- And my accent...
- It's perfect!

It's amazing how you can do such
a bland, white-bread American accent.

That's not my real name, Emily.
Most people call me Gus.

I'm afraid so.
Gus Kubicek.

Gus Kubicek. Oh, God.
Am I hallucinating?

- Please, God, help me!
- I never wanted to hurt you.

Get dressed!

Look, I never wanted to hurt you.
That was the last thing I...

Please, look... okay,
it was wrong, right?

- I wasn't in my right mind.
- Get dressed!

Look, Emily, I never, ever
believed in love at first sight.

Keep dressing!

Then I saw you.
Boom! I was down for the count.

- Emily, please. Emily...
- Leave!

Emily, please! Look!

- Please, just listen to me.
- Get out!

I thought I was gonna die for two years,
and then I find out I'm gonna live.

- I've got a whole new life.
- Get out!

I'd wasted so much
of my old one being timid,

not taking any chances.

And I wanted you in my life
so very much, so very much,

I just became obsessed with you.

But then when I found out that Trout
was gonna marry you, I went crazy.

I had to save you from him.
Emily, please!

When Lizzie told me
that I could become a different...

Lizzie was in on this?

Of course!
She made you into Chance Peters.

Emily, please!

- The handsome rogue fantasy!
- Emily, please, please!

No, don't you dare!

Emily, just let me explain!

Emily, last night was
the most important night of my life.

I love you, Emily.

I just...

I just wanted...

I just wanted you to love me.

Lizzie, I'm very,
very unhappy about this!

Annabelle?

Is that you?

Annabelle?

Annabelle!
Pick up the phone, Annabelle!

Lizzie, you betrayed me,
you humiliated me,

you made me a pawn in some
warped game, you plotted against me.

I plotted for you.
For you... big difference.

Not to me!

You just wanted to show
that you were right and I was wrong,

that I was stupid enough to fall
for one of your romance heroes.

You proved your point.
I hope that you are very, very happy.

Now, look, I'll admit
you waved a red flag in my face,

but I wouldn't have
done anything about it

if Gus hadn't truly,
totally fallen in love with you,

and if I hadn't been so sure
you 'd be perfect together.

Who gave you the right
to make a decision like that?

No, Lizzie,
I could never, ever forgive you.

Well, join the club.
Gus told me the same thing.

He did?

Told me I meddle too much and ruined
his only chance for happiness.

Well, you do.
You meddle too much.

That was the old Lizzie.

From here on out, all you moths
can find the flame on your own.

Lizzie Potts is frying
her own fish exclusively.

Well, I am still really, really angry,
so you tell your brother that I resent...

Tell him yourself.
He won't speak to me anymore.

All right.

I will.
What's his number?

- He's leaving for New York.
- New York?

What is he going there for?

Oh, something about a fresh start.
I don't know.

I don't ask,
he doesn't tell.

Well, how long
do you think he'll be gone for?

Couldn't say. All I know is that he
gave me a savings bond for Annabelle

to give her when she's graduated
from high school.

High school?
That's a long time.

Well, it'll all be history
soon anyway...

at 5:00 sharp

when he leaves
his place on Caliche Drive...

909 Caliche Drive.

Yeah, history.

So, you hate me.

In the abstract, yes.

But you're a hard person
to hate in the flesh.

See ya.

No! Not now!

Come on, baby.
Come on, baby!

Just one last trip,
and I promise then you can die.

Come on.
Yes, yes!

Come on.

Not now!

- Boss hog, darlin'.
- Thanks.

Yours is quite...
quite massive.

Massively nice.

Thank you.
Don't let it get away from ya.

What are you, crazy?

Lady, you're gonna have to move.
You can't park here.

- You cannot park here.
- Just hold this for a second.

- Lady, you can't park here.
- It's an emergency. I'll be right back.

Lady. Lady
Aw, lady!

Is the flight from New York on time?

Could you please
check the monitors?

U.S. Air Flight 204
now arriving at Gate 7B.

What are you doing here?

I'm going on a trip.
What are you...?

- Your hair.
- Yeah.

- You look good as a brunette.
- I do?

I am.
I am a brunette.

We need to talk
because I think I love...

The line moved.

- What were you saying?
- Nothing.

Did you wanna say something?

Don't go.

- I have to go.
- You can't go.

I think I love you.

Me?
Emily, that wasn't me.

Gus, it was you.

It was you I danced with.
It was you drawing with Annabelle.

And last night...

Okay, listen.

If you could tell me that
that wasn't you holding me last night,

then I will leave and you'll never
see me again, okay?

This might not be so bad,
but it's going to hurt like heck

when I staple
the boarding pass on.

- Sorry.
- Emily, come with me.

One more, please, Emily Pear.

To New York?

- Who's going to New York?
- You are. Lizzie told me.

I'm going to Kalamazoo
for Randy Grauer's wedding.

Kalamazoo?

- I can't go to a wedding like this.
- You're right.

You're a little
overdressed for Kalamazoo.

Attention, please.

Last call, U.S. Air Flight 1673
to Dayton and Kalamazoo...

- That's us.
- ...is leaving Gate B1.

So, Lizzie told you
I was going to New York.

- Ya.
- She meddles.
- She meddles too much.

- Emily?
- Ya.
- Emily Pear,

I fell in love with you
the first time I saw you.

- You think it happens in real life?
- I hope so.

All right, two points
for the Gus-buster!

Oh, amore, amore.

Unkow Gus did it,
Oink-a-lita.

Of course, we helped a little,
didn't we? Yes we did.

Can you say "Aunt Emily"?

Unkow!

Unkow Gus and Aunt Emily.

Aunt Emmy.

You Spoke!

Oh, Piglet, you spoke!

Unkow, Aunt Emmy.

"Mama."
Say "Mama."

"Dada."
"Dada" is easy.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, wait, wait.

"Chapter One...
his name was Lobo... Lobo Marunga.

"His scent was a heady mix
of earth and fire and...

sheep."