My Big g*y Italian Wedding (2018)

[bunniefuu]

Do you remember the day we met?

I do. I remember it well.

Very rarely have I felt I was

being watched the way I did that day.

And then you said,

"Can I sit at your table?"

Which are wonderful words

if you think about it.

I think everyone should say them

once in their lives.

It can't be easy picking someone up

like that at a cafe.

I've never laughed with anyone

the way I laugh with you.

I don't even know

why I left that day.

I wasn't busy

and you were the best thing

that had happened to me in ages.

Ever.

And then...

thank goodness I plucked up

the courage to send you that text.

And kiss you.

I don't...

I don't think I've ever kissed

anyone that way before.

You know, since the first time

we met in that cafe,

I've known I would grow old

beside you.

Even if you make me angry

because you're a Neapolitan oaf.

You open my heart

and when I am with you,

I know if I open my heart

nothing bad will happen to me.

You made me feel at home

the way I never have.

And I don't know

whether to be grateful for that

and I don't remember if I've told you

I want to spend my life with you.

But I want to spend

the rest of my life with you.

Oh God...

Paolo...

Will you marry me?

Oh God!

- Oh God, no!

- What do you mean?

No, I don't mean you.

Yes, to you. Of course it's yes.

- Come here.

- Where does it go?

Here.

I hope it fits.

You're such a fool.

Looks good.

I love you.

So do I.

Can't you even say it

on this occasion?

- What?

- "I love you".

I said it.

No, you said, "so do I",

that's not the same thing.

You know I'm not able

to say it.

Okay, but you're not Fonzie,

this isn't Happy Days, you know.

I know, but I just can't.

- What can I say?

- Nothing.

I was thinking about something

I've been meaning to say for a while.

What if I went with you and Benedetta

to Italy tomorrow?

- Italy?

- To meet Mum and Dad.

- My parents?

- Yes, we can both tell them the news.

And work out where to get to married,

whether in Berlin or Italy.

We'll go round

telling all the family.

We'll choose the wedding favors

because...

What's up?

Nothing, it's just I've an audition

near Alexanderplatz and...

- You don't want me to come to Italy?

- It's not that.

It sounds like it.

We've booked tickets for tomorrow,

and what would you do about work?

- I'll resign, it's no big deal.

- Resign?

I work in a bar,

I'm not an engineer for NASA!

Yes, but going to Italy

like that, with you, I don't...

Antonio, it's time you

sorted this thing out.

- Yes, like you did with your mum...

- Meaning?

- You haven't spoken for three years.

- My mother knows who I am.

And if she won't accept it,

that's her problem.

But you told me

your parents knew that...

- Of course they know.

- I don't reckon so.

We've never discussed it,

but parents know when a son is q*eer.

Well, I think you should

explain it a bit better.

- Won't you tell them about the wedding?

- Of course I will.

But to go there together, right now...

Antonio, it's easy

to be g*y in Berlin...

I don't want to spend my life with

a guy who pretends to be someone else.

Why are you pressuring me?

Because you've just asked me

to marry you.

Okay, you can come with me.

Where to?

To see my parents and tell them

we're getting married.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

- You've nothing else to say?

- Like what?

- Like, I love you.

- Yes...

f*ck you...

Jerk!

- Hi.

- Hi.

- How are things?

- Fine, and you?

So-so...

So you're now living

with what's-his-name...

- Paolo.

- Yes, sorry.

- I have to go.

- Right.

- What do you want?

- You didn't answer my calls.

- I thought you were dead.

- No, I'm alive.

- Thank goodness.

- Camilla, I have to go.

Antonio, wait a sec.

- Why are you being so cold?

- You force me to be like that.

I don't force anyone to do anything,

I just want to be with you!

And I don't.

We split up three years ago

and I'm engaged. I'm g*y!

g*y...

Perhaps it's only temporary...

It happens to everyone,

it's a phase...

What if I told Paolo

we recently made love?

We didn't make love. We had

drunken sex in the disco's toilets.

It was your birthday, you were suicidal,

that's not making love.

And what's the point

of telling Paolo?

- He wouldn't be very happy to find out.

- I agree with you.

Camilla, you're not well.

Why don't you find a good shrink?

- Are you saying I'm crazy?

- No.

But a shrink

might be able to help you.

I don't need any help, I need

to be with you. I love you.

I'm g*y. I'm sorry,

but that's the way I am.

Benedetta?

Can you go?

God, stop it... I'm coming.

Donato Lavopa.

What was her name?

- Benedetta?

- Benedetta.

- I don't believe it!

- You speak Italian?

Where are you from?

You know who I am.

Donato Lavopa.

I spoke to you and Antonio,

about that room on the Internet.

The room? To sleep in.

It's amazing,

you've got the same voice.

- Same voice as who?

- My father.

- So, is Benedetta in?

- Yes, I'm Benedetta.

You could have said so straight away,

we've been standing here ages.

I'm sorry. Come in.

- Haven't you got any luggage?

- I've got all I need.

Shut the door...

we're in Germany here.

Oh God, I'm sorry!

They've left the place

in a mess, sorry.

Can I get you something?

Half a glass of water

so I can take a pill.

What do you take?

Tranquilizers, it's the jet lag,

it always makes me feel a bit...

Can I have one too?

These are strong,

they're not to be taken like sweets.

- Yes, but I've got jet lag too.

- You've not been anywhere.

I know, but neither have you really,

you don't get jet lag from Italy.

Okay... here.

Thanks.

Very kind.

Who was that at the door?

Hi.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- Paolo.

- I spoke to Antonio, right?

- Yes.

- This is Donato, our new flatmate.

- Welcome, nice to meet you.

- Thanks.

- Good journey?

Yes, even if plane journeys

make me feel a bit...

- Has she told you you're like her dad?

- Yes.

Come on, silly! He's identical!

Apart from his mustache,

he's identical!

- Since he died, she tells everyone that.

- I know, it's part of mourning.

- Where are you from?

- A town in the Bari area.

Are you from the south too?

I'm from a village near Naples.

Amazing...

What?

- What's your job?

- I'm a bus driver.

Of course... dressed like that.

And you've been transferred to Berlin?

No, it was my own decision to come.

Just like that...

How come you want to share a place

instead of getting your own?

First of all, it's a lot cheaper.

And also because I'm going

through a bad patch right now.

It's a transition period

and I need a bit of company.

I'd rather not be on my own.

How come?

Do you want the truth?

I was on my own

in the house one night...

Or I thought I was on my own...

my wife and daughter

were upstairs with my mother-in-law.

Then suddenly my daughter

opens the door...

Oh God, Mum!

My wife appeared....

"Oh God, shut the door,

don't look!"

She covered the kid's eyes.

They kicked up a fuss...

- They caught me at it.

- With your mistress?

No, no mistress!

If only there was!

I was dressed as a woman...

- Yes.

- So what?

Was it the first time

you'd dressed as a woman?

Yes, the first time.

I don't know what came over me.

I'd been thinking of it for some time.

I felt this thing inside,

I wanted to try it.

So, I was standing there...

I was wearing a skirt,

high heels and a wig.

I felt happy,

I had this sense of well-being.

Don't ask me what it was,

I don't know...

But it felt good.

I'm not with you,

do you fancy men?

No, I don't know,

I've never thought about it.

It's just that I like dressing up

as a woman.

- So what then?

- My wife was ashamed...

I mean, it's not

as if I had k*lled anyone...

I put a skirt on, what the hell...

No, of course...

I had been to Berlin in 1986

and I said to myself...

You know what, I'm leaving home,

and that's the end of it.

What do you do?

I'm an actor.

I work as a barman

to pay my way, but...

That's nice.

What about you?

Nothing, I'm rich

and I don't need to work.

But I always need clothes

because I like them.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to go, I've got nothing to wear

and tomorrow we're leaving for Italy,

so see you later.

Forgive me, but she said

you were leaving.

- Who's leaving?

- Me, her and Antonio, my partner.

- Are you an item?

- Yes, we're going to Italy for Easter.

I'll finally get to meet his parents,

I'm so excited.

Who's staying here then?

- You.

- On my own?

You should be pleased,

you'll have the house to yourself,

you'll be free to...

I've just told you,

I don't want to be on my own.

I might do something silly

if I'm on my own.

I'm not well!

I'm sorry you're not well,

but we had this all planned.

Listen, I tell you what,

can I come with you?

- With us?

- Yes.

- Where to?

- Where is it you're going?

No!

- Are you crazy?

- It's a problem being on my own.

Call a friend in Berlin

and go out for a walk.

I was here back in 1986,

I don't know anyone now.

I'll have to ask Antonio.

- Paolo, can you come here a minute?

- Okay.

- Wait...

- We'll discuss it later.

Darn it, I just knew it!

Jeez, all on my own in Berlin...

and it's cold too.

It's this way.

- Do you know him?

- No.

- What's wrong?

- What do you think?

I'm speechless.

- We couldn't leave him on his own.

- Why not?

When we said he couldn't come,

he tried to slit his wrists.

We don't even know him,

what do I tell my parents?

I've enough with you...

all we need is a depressed trans!

- Take it easy.

- Yeah...

We look like the Village People.

Come on.

Go on, talk over each other...

Talk over each other...

Yes, you have your say...

That's enough!

It's a difficult moment for everybody!

It's a difficult moment for everybody,

just as you said.

For everybody, not just for our town,

for Italy and Europe.

The refugees will keep coming

until we solve the problems

in their own countries.

I mean, we have taken people in,

not refugees.

It's a matter of sensitivity, of being

human. It's not a political matter.

Of course, it is for us too.

There aren't many of us left.

Only 250 inhabitants.

The town is crumbling

under our feet, Roberto.

You promised to do something to stop

the erosion, but you haven't.

You've brought refugees here.

The town is crumbling under our feet

due to the fifteen people I took in?

Have you seen them?

How much will they weigh collectively?

800 kg?

That means if I go on a diet,

if the whole town goes on a diet,

we will compensate

for these fifteen people.

I reckon the town is crumbling

under the crap you come out with.

You're the one who talks crap!

Civita's problems

won't get solved by your wit.

Wit has always helped

to solve problems.

Isn't it better to solve them with wit?

Structural work is expensive.

We don't have the money, the funding.

We have to turn this town

from a poor one into a rich one.

- How far has the survey got?

- You all know how far we've got.

It will take 300 years

for the town to disappear.

300 years is a long time.

People aren't leaving because

it's collapsing, there are no jobs.

We live in one of Italy's most beautiful

towns, we must exploit that.

We have to promote it,

we have to bring the tourists in.

Tourists, not refugees.

Not again!

The whole world's moving

towards integration.

Races are mingling,

let's try and welcome these people.

You didn't know me

when I arrived here, right?

I was a stranger,

but you elected me mayor.

So trust me!

A town without employment

is a town that is dying.

f*ck' hell!

It's beautiful!

They call it the "dying town".

- And your father's the mayor?

- Yes, he was elected last year.

It's actually my mother's birthplace.

My dad's from the north, they came

to live here when they got married.

It looks like a crib scene.

Do you like it?

To be honest...

Hi, guys.

- Are those children?

- It's for Easter.

- Why are they dressed like that?

- It's the Via Crucis tonight.

Really? With Jesus

and everything?

- Yes.

- Who plays Jesus?

I do.

- Really?

- Tell me you're doing it this year!

Yes, I am this year too.

With the crown of thorns and robe?

With a beard too?

I'm not sure about the beard...

but Jesus, yes.

It's just that I adore Jesus!

I don't know why.

This Gothic style makes me...

Gothic?

No, this is probably medieval.

Yeah, Baroque...

Like in "The Name of the Rose"...

that rarefied atmosphere.

- Donato, I beg you...

- Beg me what?

Nothing, just keep quiet.

Mum!

There you are! I've just finished

getting your rooms ready.

I'll be right down, darling.

You're here then, hi!

You look well, my little boy!

- Are these your friends?

- Yes.

- Hello, I'm Roberto.

- Paolo.

- Benedetta.

- The landlady?

- Yes.

- Very pretty.

- I've missed you so much.

- Me too.

This is Paolo.

- This is Benedetta.

- Hello, Benedetta, nice to meet you.

Welcome.

And this is Donato,

our new flatmate in Berlin.

- It's stuck.

- Don't worry, these things happen.

- Donato Lavopa.

- Nice to meet you.

- Okay, shall we go in?

- I'll show you the house, Benedetta!

- It's nice here.

- Do you like it?

- It's Baroque, eh?

- Baroque?

- Yes.

- If you say so.

This way.

Come in.

Remember, Antonio, these were

single beds, I've made them into one.

This is lovely!

I had one in my bedroom

when I was little.

I lived for art

I lived for love

Never did I harm

A living creature

Maria Callas!

Well done!

If it's okay by you,

Benedetta and Donato

can sleep in here,

and Paolo and me in the other room.

Yes, okay.

Good.

I'll go and get dinner ready.

Remember the procession tonight,

Brother Francesco will be over soon.

Thanks for everything.

You're welcome.

Come on.

Behave yourselves...

- Which side do you prefer?

- The left side.

Can I sleep on the left?

It's nearer the door, you never know.

There we are.

It's ready.

It looks delicious.

No, thanks, not for me...

- Don't you like rabbit?

- Yes, of course.

Before they k*ll and skin it...

and put two olives where

its lungs should be, it's nice.

- That's a no then.

- No, thanks, sorry.

- What can I get you to eat?

- Have you any spirits?

There's my homemade walnut liqueur.

- Great!

- Is that all you want for dinner?

If you want, I've got some mezcal

with a worm. I add the worm myself.

- She's a vegan...

- The worm's fish!

- I don't eat fish either.

- It's not fish.

- Do you want some?

- Absolutely!

Skinned or not, I eat anything...

you can be sure of that.

A friend of mine

had a rabbit fur coat.

With a polenta collar?

Yes, he was from Milan,

perhaps you know him.

No, I was only joking,

I've never met him.

Now we've got to know

each other better,

perhaps we can start

using our surnames again.

Yes, absolutely.

What have you done to your wrists?

The usual accident at work.

- Who he is?

- Don't ask.

He was injured at work.

- I was driving the bus...

- You drive a bus?

- Yes, piloting...

- Piloting?

Well, I was driving

and at a certain point...

an antelope jumped right out

in front of me!

An antelope, in Molfetta?

It had escaped from a herd

of antelopes from Fasano Zoo.

Antelopes do escape.

- In Fasano they have...

- Yes.

Right in front of me.

And I was like this,

and I was so surprised...

I braked really hard...

And I took a hard blow,

and with my wrists

on the steering wheel...

It was so painful!

I dislocated my carpus,

metacarpus...

- What's the other one called?

- Rotula.

- What about the antelope?

- Gone.

- Did it survive?

- It disintegrated on the windscreen.

- They found one hoof in Foggia!

- He's funny.

Antonio says you're the mayor.

Well done, I hear you're

very open towards integration.

It's not easy, but it gives me

a lot of satisfaction, thanks.

What do you do?

- I'd like to be an actor.

- Like Antonio?

Yes! We met when

we were in a musical together.

- You were in a musical?

- No.

Yes.

I didn't sing and dance in it,

it was only a small part.

I was in that musical too,

I adore singing.

Don't you like musicals?

- No.

- No...

I don't like the genre,

it's like we're here chatting and he jumps

on the table, his wrists in bandages

and starts singing a song

about antelopes.

Antelopes...

I don't like them.

It's the g*y version of theatre.

- What's wrong?

- Darn it...

Oh God!

Everything happens to him...

It's a lead shot.

I thought I'd removed them all.

Are there any more?

I hope not.

This rabbit was rather unusual.

The young lady might like to hear this.

It wasn't easy to catch.

Do you sh**t rabbits?

No, I usually chase after them

and try to grab them,

but this time I shot one,

for a change.

Dad...

Mum...

I've got something to tell you.

We're all ears.

I want to tell you straight away,

because I think it's for the best.

I came back here...

I always come at Easter...

but this time there's another reason.

A more important reason.

Oh God...

I've decided...

we've decided...

I mean...

we've never discussed it before

and it might come as a shock,

but we love each other...

and we've decided to get married.

That's funny...

Is this a joke?

A joke, like the antelope...

The antelope wasn't a joke.

I'm sorry for coming out with it

like that.

I'm not sure there was

a right way of telling you.

But we're in love

and I'm happy.

And if I'm happy,

you should be too.

Roberto, are you okay?

Did you know?

- Yes.

- Why did you never say anything?

I didn't know either,

I was working it out...

And I never thought

it would be a problem.

- Good evening.

- Good evening.

Good evening.

I've come for Jesus.

Jesus!

Go and get ready, Antonio.

What a cheerful atmosphere!

It's beautiful, well done!

- Yes, really?

- Yes.

My village used to do one like this,

but I've not been back for ages.

You know, Antonio and I

really do love each other.

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

I've always liked Jesus loads.

Don't know why, ever since I was a kid.

And I've never been baptized.

I haven't been baptized either.

- Really?

- Yes.

We've lots of things in common,

let's make a baby.

We've got one thing in common,

and you want a kid?

You look very handsome tonight.

I know, it runs in the family.

Good morning.

Morning.

Good morning.

- Where do I...

- Over there.

Do you want milk, or coffee?

- Coffee.

- Coffee...

- Hello, darling.

- Good morning.

Hello.

- Milk, right?

- Yes, please.

- I'll be off.

- Can you wait a second, please?

I've got something to say.

Antonio, you're my son,

I love you,

and whether you're g*y or not,

does not change the love

I feel for you.

I don't know you.

but you seem a decent person,

and if Antonio loves you, I trust him.

Thank you.

So I'm happy for you

to get married.

Thanks, Mum.

Sit down.

But if you want my blessing,

there are conditions.

First, your parents

have to come to the wedding.

- Unfortunately my dad passed away.

- Your mother?

I haven't spoken to her in three years,

ever since I told her I'm...

Well you'll have to talk to her,

because if I'm there, she has to be.

- No, but...

- Paolo!

And I want it to be

a wonderful wedding,

the one I've always dreamed of,

and I want him to organize it.

Who's he?

- Enzo Miccio.

- Enzo Miccio?

- Yes.

- Who the f*ck is he?

- The very best!

- Let's hire Toto Cutugno too then!

Or Shalpy...

I haven't finished.

And I want you

to get married here.

No way!

It's just that these kind of weddings

take place...

in New York, London, Berlin,

for example.

They have all their friends

from the musicals in Berlin.

And I'll come too!

And I want you to marry them.

Yes, of course.

You're the mayor, you represent

the law, and the law now exists!

What law?

The one that allows...

g*y people to get married.

- Yes, but that's in the big cities.

- Sorry, but who told you that?

I'm telling you!

Here in Civita they criticize me

for bringing a few refugees here.

We can't have

the whole caboodle here, come on!

You were elected mayor

for defending people's rights.

Now it's your son's rights,

you're changing your mind!

How long have you been

h*m*?

Look, I...

If our neighbor...

were to decide to buy a baboon...

keep it in the house

and feed it nuts... I'm happy.

Both for the neighbor

and for the baboon.

But I'm not happy

if I have a baboon in the house.

That is, the baboon isn't...

Dad, what are you talking about?

- Wrong animal. Let's say a panda.

- Why bring animals into it?

I'm not happy, I can't be happy

just because you two are happy.

- And you didn't tell me about it.

- He didn't tell me either.

But I knew, and so did you.

Okay, but I...

I'm not celebrating the marriage.

I'm not marrying you!

Then you can find

somewhere else to sleep.

I'm not sleeping under the same roof

as a man who doesn't accept his son.

- Mum...

- Leave this to me.

Don't turn this situation

into a big thing now.

What's it got to do with sleeping?

Where would I go?

- Go on!

- Go where?

You have a room at the Town Hall!

Go on!

Okay, I'll just finish my juice...

In fact, I won't even

finish my juice.

Go and get ready.

You've got ten minutes

before we leave.

I want this got rid of.

It's a bit hot under here now.

- Where are we going?

- Where are we going, Mum?

Good morning.

Mum, can you slow down?

- Where are we going?

- To see Brother Francesco.

What for?

Come on.

Brother Francesco?

- I'll marry you.

- In what way?

If your father refuses to,

I'll celebrate your marriage.

What do you mean?

You're a monk,

you can't marry two men.

- Who says so?

- The Vatican, the Church...

- Is that so?

- Yes.

Then we'll do it in

a deconsecrated church, out of respect.

Brother Francesco,

you'll get excommunicated.

Why would you do

something like that?

Because we believe in love.

And that way we'll make

your father see he's wrong.

He's making a mistake.

- They're right.

- What?

Can't you see this is crazy?

All the revolutions were started

by crazy people!

If you think too hard about things,

nothing will ever change.

- Let's do it!

- What?

- Let's get him to marry us.

- It's madness.

- What do you say?

- What do I say?

Come on!

- Let's do it.

- Good!

This is how I will proceed.

I'll give a nice sermon

at Mass tomorrow.

As you all know, today we celebrate

the day of the Resurrection.

These are hard times.

And we too, our town too

is in need of resurrection.

But we have to do it together,

as a community.

Through love.

Too many obstacles divide people.

And often we do not notice

the main obstacle,

the one that stops us loving

every day.

And do you know why?

Because it's in

the most profound place,

it's inside us.

And it's called prejudice,

and it's called fear.

We are often afraid

of what we don't know.

We don't realize He wants

what we ourselves want.

That is, to love and be loved.

And talking about love...

Antonio, come here.

Antonio, who you have all known

since he was a child,

loves and is loved by another man.

You come up too, Paolo.

We are talking about love!

And who are we to say

that this love is wrong?

If it's true love,

it has to be right.

And for this reason,

I will take full responsibility

for this decision,

and be happy to celebrate

Antonio and Paolo's wedding

on April 25th

at the Church of the Virgin.

Forgive me, Francesco.

You can't force this on us.

- I'm not forcing anything on you!

- Yes, you are.

And no one's to blame if they decide

not to come to the wedding.

Because blame does not exist.

Only responsibilities.

Didn't you yourself say this town

is a town that welcomes people?

You won the election

with those words.

Well, for people, I meant...

tourists, refugees...

- Not...

- Not?

g*y people.

Has no one anything to say?

Are you all silent?

I see...

Remain silent, never mind,

it's my fault.

They put words into my mouth

but it's my fault. That's okay.

It's wonderful that you're getting

married here. I didn't know.

- Good morning.

- Hello, good morning.

- How are you?

- Fine, and you?

I'm great.

- You've bleached your hair?

- Yes, for a change.

I'll go and get lunch ready.

- Yes, we'll be right there.

- Straight away.

Hi.

- You're so pretty.

- Thanks.

You didn't tell me.

No, we organized it

at the last minute.

- I'm Camilla.

- Paolo.

Yes, this is Paolo...

you've introduced yourselves.

And you are?

- Donato Lavopa.

- Our new flatmate in Berlin.

Can I be your witness?

I'd love to, it's my dream.

I've already asked Benedetta.

Yes.

Though I don't know what I'll wear,

because I haven't brought much.

Of course, I can imagine.

Okay, we have to get back

for lunch.

- You're staying for Easter, right?

- Yes, and after that.

I don't know

if I'm going back to Berlin.

I've nothing to do there now.

- I'll see you around then.

- Okay.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Did you invite your mother?

Signora Anna, I don't think...

I'm not sure you realize

what I'm organizing here.

What it means for me

to accept your relationship.

Yes, but you don't know her.

If I've accepted it, she has to too.

She's right.

We'll book a flight to Naples tomorrow.

- Have you gone mad?

- We'll go and talk to your mother.

She'll never come!

- What about me?

- What about you?

- I'll come with you.

- No...

- I don't want to be on my own.

- What a pain in the a*s!

- I'll come too then.

- Don't you start now, please!

- Where he goes, I have to go too.

- Why?

Because we're a group now.

Yeah, a pop group.

- Yes.

- Be quiet.

Hello, everyone.

Excuse me, I've come to apologize...

I'm sorry about this morning,

I don't know what came over me.

I said things I don't really mean.

I'm sorry, Antonio.

It's okay.

Hi.

Hi.

I was saying, I came to...

to apologize

because this morning I was...

If you're not marrying them,

you can get out of here.

It's Easter Day, and I wanted

to extend an olive branch.

Go on.

You haven't laid a place for me.

We weren't expecting you.

Go!

I'll get a chair and sit down...

Leave me your house keys.

What?

- Come on, Mum.

- Leave me your house keys.

It's my house

and you want my keys!

Happy Easter.

Happy Easter.

Happy Easter.

There.

Now we can eat.

How lovely, all these clothes!

- Good morning, signora Maria.

- Good morning.

I beg you, guys,

let me do all the talking.

Especially you.

Hello, Mum.

Hello.

How are you?

- I'm fine, how are you?

- Fine.

This is Antonio, my fianc.

Good morning. Nice to meet you.

We're getting married.

And we and his family

really want you to come.

We're getting married in the town

he grew up in. Here's the invitation.

If you need tickets for the journey,

just let me know.

- Who are they?

- What did she say?

Donato Lavopa, I'm going through

a difficult patch right now.

I'd do something silly if I were left

on my own, so I tagged along.

- Let's go.

- I'm sorry, is it my fault?

- I don't think so.

- Can I give it a try?

No, I can't take any more.

Can we go now?

No, we're not going anywhere.

Please, let me try.

My mother will never come to

the wedding, and I want to go now.

All right, but give me the invitation.

This is important to me,

is this all my fault?

No.

No, it wasn't your fault,

but you're in the f*cking way!

- He's like an uncle who's gone gaga.

- That's not polite!

I'm sorry.

You're right, but I don't know

where to go.

- No, you can stay here with us.

- I should never have told my parents.

We should have got married

in Berlin.

- What do we do now?

- What do you mean?

Your mum said without my mum

there'll be no wedding.

We'll explain the situation

to her...

Forgive me, can I say something,

then I swear I'll keep quiet...

Speak up.

I'll do it.

- Do what?

- Dress up as Paolo's mother.

- He's perfect.

- Have you gone crazy?

Dressed as a woman... I look amazing.

- My own mother wouldn't know me.

- I can imagine.

Your parents don't know my mother,

so with a bit of make-up he could...

Make-up?

You can tell he's a guy!

It's a brilliant idea.

- Guys, you're crazy!

- What's the alternative?

We'll talk to my mother,

or cancel the wedding.

- I don't want to cancel anything.

- Neither do I.

But from something nice

it's turning into a nightmare.

Okay, but if you're interested,

I'd wear a skirt.

He spoke to the cicadas,

gave sermons to the birds,

the trees and the shrubs

were his brothers.

Who said that?

Claudio Baglioni.

Baglioni?

Saint Francis.

I didn't think it was Baglioni.

I thought not.

What are you doing?

I was talking to a stag beetle.

Really? And what were you saying?

The usual things.

- I was talking to a rabbit.

- That's nice.

- Then what?

- Then I shot it!

We failed to agree on something.

We didn't communicate very well.

What's wrong?

You know very well what's wrong.

It's the talk of the town.

- But you knew about Antonio?

- I knew...

- You knew...

- Yes, but...

Right back in elementary school when

he insisted on doing rhythmic gymnastics,

that sport with...

- The clubs they throw up, ribbons...

- I know what it is.

But that doesn't mean

someone is g*y.

Of course not.

He didn't like hunting.

If you don't like hunting,

does that make you g*y?

I don't like hunting either.

- These things require patience...

- Patience...

Patience involves acceptance.

You're quite right,

but when he arrives home

and tells you he wants to marry Paolo

who's in musicals...

Nice! I've always liked musicals!

What about you?

No, I don't.

- You don't like them?

- No, they're bullshit.

Why aren't you happy

about this wedding?

Because I can't be happy.

People think I am wicked

because I'm not happy.

But I find it impossible.

But sometimes impossible things

become possible.

- Yes, of course...

- I want to show you something.

- What do you want to show me?

- This goat.

Listen carefully.

How are you, goat?

Did you hear that?

Gooooodd!

No, it only went "Gooo".

- Didn't you hear it?

- No.

Let's ask a precise question.

What do you think

about this wedding, goat?

This time it said "good".

- Well, it's possible...

- Yes, that is...

It can't be ruled out...

Ask a general knowledge question.

Ask it a capital city.

- An easy one?

- It knows them.

The German capital?

Lin...

It only said Berrrr....

- It was the start of...

- Then you finished it off.

- Just a prompt.

- What about the capital of France?

France?

Pa...ris...

It's a genius. Bye.

We're all very excited

the wedding couple are here.

- Here they are.

- Good morning, have a seat.

It looks planned

but it's all authentic.

Have you seen who it is?

This is a dream!

He does all those wedding programs,

have you never seen him?

- What's your name?

- Enzo Miccio, hello.

- Nice to meet you.

- Good morning.

With all these cameras...

Let's say hi to my daughter Jennifer,

who never misses a program.

Hi, Jennifer.

Later, Donato.

- We need to phone her.

- No.

- Of course, but later.

- She watches it.

- Thanks.

- He's the best!

How sweet!

- How are you, guys?

- Fine.

A little nervous, perhaps.

We weren't expecting this...

Right, let's start straight away

with the preparations.

I know you've chosen April 25th,

a symbolic date, the Liberation.

Sexual liberation too, eh?

Yes, that's why it's symbolic.

How many people

are coming to this event?

370, but one is certain not to come,

so that makes 369.

Can you stop a minute!

Forgive me, it's not

very chic to talk about money,

but you do realize

what you've just said?

Of course, we'll pay for everything.

But we wanted a quieter affair,

you tell her.

I said we'd pay for everything.

But you have to organize

a really beautiful wedding.

I'll do my best, don't worry.

No, you mustn't do you best.

It has to be really beautiful.

Of course,

I know what I'm doing.

I will plan an unforgettable

wedding for these guys.

Paolo? What did your mother say?

Is she going to come?

- Yes.

- Are you sure?

Yes, they were there

and they heard her too.

Good. We can start then.

Hooray! Guys, move up, I'll sit

in the middle of my wedding pair.

We'll launch the announcement

and the preparations. Wave hello.

What a beautiful place this is!

How cute these horses are!

And I'd like to decorate this arch

with white wild roses,

and maybe in the front here

we could have a long imperial table

for friends and relatives.

Guys, there'll be such rejoicing!

We're organizing this wedding

down at the Pieve

and I'm sorting out the transport.

It's wonderful to see

how the whole town

is getting involved in the organization

of this great civil partnership.

Stop. Good one.

You look really nice.

Are you nervous?

A little.

I'll go and check on Paolo

then we'll go to the church.

- I reckon we're nearly there.

- Thanks, Enzo.

See you later.

Guys, I am really excited

about this wedding too.

Let's go.

I look like a waiter.

Or Bond, James Bond.

You look really nice.

- What are you doing here?

- I came to say hello.

- This is a nightmare.

- You're telling me.

- Go away!

- You didn't tell me about the wedding.

I didn't know,

and stop pissing me off.

Don't get married, I love you.

Darling...

Jeez, you look so handsome.

You too.

What's wrong?

We're going to a wedding

not to a funeral.

I know.

- Hi.

- This is Camilla, do you remember...

I know who she is.

- What are you doing here?

- I'll explain...

I'm talking to her.

- I came to see Antonio.

- Why was the door shut?

The wind blew it shut

and then blew it open again.

Antonio, aren't you ready?

Miccio's waiting for us.

Hello.

- What are you doing here?

- I came to say hello to Antonio.

Remember when we were kids,

I used to come and say hello.

Paolo, let's go and get changed,

Miccio's showing us the church.

You get a move on too.

Yes.

Get out of here or I'll k*ll you.

Do you want me to be honest,

do you want the truth?

I never liked that girl!

Not just now, never.

Why's that?

I don't know, she's always been

one of those creepy people.

Like chalk on the blackboard,

she sets your teeth on edge...

Do you think I was happy

when they moved to Berlin together?

- Why, did they go to Berlin together?

- Yes, they were dating.

She was madly in love.

I know about impossible love affairs,

when you fall in love with a singer...

But to fall in love

with someone who's g*y?

Apart from the fact

that you're g*y too...

But Antonio...

I always knew about him,

because it was so...

he was different,

he was more sensitive...

Yes, more sensitive.

But not her, she's stubborn.

- So they still fancy each other?

- I don't know.

They say you need a woman

near a man, even if he's g*y.

She wants to occupy that place,

but it's already occupied.

- By who?

- Well, by me... I'm his mother.

What are you worried about?

Have you seen her?

She wears a ring in her nose,

and cuts her hair with a lawnmower.

There's no contest

between you and her.

Come on...

He loves you.

He asked you to marry him, right?

That means he's sure.

I hope so.

Thanks, Anna.

For what?

Go and get changed,

Enzo Miccio is waiting.

Unfortunately another house collapsed

in the lower part of Civita today.

So even if the houses

are empty,

we still need to inspect

the whole area

to see if we need to take

safety measures.

By the way...

It's been two years since we inspected

the deconsecrated church, right?

Yes.

Then we have to cancel

all activities scheduled there.

What about Antonio's wedding?

If it's scheduled, then we have

to cancel Antonio's wedding too.

- Is the church on the list?

- Yes.

Then we need to cancel it.

If you want to check it's safe,

I can get that done tomorrow.

We don't need to cancel anything.

If it's on the list, it's on the list,

and we have to cancel it.

It really is a pity,

because the church is starting

to look really nice.

Can you imagine when Enzo Miccio's

program is aired?

Yesterday, after hearing about

the wedding, I got a call at the hotel

asking whether Brother Francesco

usually celebrates weddings,

and he booked two rooms

to come and visit the town.

If this g*y marriage business

takes off, we're sorted!

Just think of how many Catholic gays

in Italy want to marry in church!

You are joking?

Talking about making the town

more open-minded...

I've been thinking...

that statue of Garibaldi on horseback...

in the middle of town.

We've only got one.

It's stern, warlike...

too warlike.

It's Garibaldi.

I think we should lighten it up

in some way.

Lighten it up in what way?

Make it more welcoming.

Welcoming?

What do you mean?

Without touching Garibaldi himself...

we'll change the horse.

In what way?

We could give it a horn.

- Where?

- Where do you think?

On its head!

We can turn it into a unicorn!

Make it really fantasy-like, joyful.

Okay, I'll let you turn our town

into Queeropolis,

but remember,

I won't authorize any of it.

It's lovely!

Here's our apse, decorated

with a cascade of paper lanterns.

And this is our table,

where we will celebrate your wedding.

And behind us we have

a wooden Christ,

set inside these garlands of

old English roses, isn't that poetic?

Although a wooden Christ...

But it's so lovely.

But it's a deconsecrated church!

You can't have Christ in here!

He's only resting on them,

I'll get Him removed tomorrow.

Thanks.

Come, I'll show you

the seating arrangements.

Thanks, Anna, it's all so beautiful.

What happened to your mum?

Don't forget, eh?

- Guys.

- Otherwise...

Come in.

Hi.

Hi.

Forgive me,

I thought it was the security guard.

How are things?

I'm coping,

I'm managing somehow.

You've not lost your appetite.

No, I'm not feeling hungry at all...

Except I had some pasta left over

and didn't want to throw it away...

Remember when you used to tell Antonio

a story before he fell asleep?

Yes, I remember.

And do you remember

what his favorite was?

Of course! Hop-o'-My-Thumb.

Cinderella.

Hop-o'-My-Thumb.

I remember him leaving a trail

of bread crumbs to find his way home.

Your memory fails you,

it was Cinderella.

I thought it was Hop-o'-My-Thumb.

Do you know why he liked it?

Because of Prince Charming.

He liked the voice you gave him

when you read it to him.

You're right,

I liked Prince Charming too.

As a character.

And in this version

there are two Prince Charmings.

But there's no Cinderella,

the main character.

It's a modern version, the king

marries the prince to another prince.

But if you want them

to live happily ever after,

please, you officiate the ceremony.

No.

If you don't turn up tomorrow,

you will really upset your son.

But I love him, he knows that,

it won't change anything.

Maybe not between you and him,

but if you don't come tomorrow,

things will change between us.

Is that a threat?

You've changed.

And I'm unable to forgive

people I don't know.

If you don't turn up tomorrow,

I'll put in for a divorce.

Good night.

Good night.

Antonio?

What the f*ck are you doing here?

I've something important to tell you,

come down.

No, go away.

Please!

I said go away!

- I'll come up then.

- No, wait!

Paolo, I'm going downstairs a minute.

Are you crazy?

- God, you're so handsome!

- Camilla, please.

- I've worked one thing out.

- What's that?

- That you don't want me.

- At last.

Because to be together

there has to be mutual love...

and you don't love me...

perhaps you never did.

But you're with Paolo now

and you love each other,

so I just want to ask you

one thing, that's all.

- What?

- Two things.

- No, one.

- Two things, please.

- Two, then you'll stop bugging me?

- I promise.

The first...

..give me a kiss.

- No. The second?

- Please, just a kiss.

- I said no.

- The last one.

- The last one.

Yes.

And the second?

The second, let me be your witness.

- No.

- Please!

I've asked Benedetta, so no.

It'd mean a lot to me,

the end of a chapter.

The end of this love affair.

Camilla, get out of my life.

Or I swear I'll go to the police.

f*ck...

Are you satisfied?

Paolo?

If you don't know what you want,

you'd better tell me.

You're right, I was wrong,

I should have said something.

- Why didn't you?

- She's not part of my life.

And I thought she'd stop

sooner or later.

You are joking?

She's not part of your life,

but she turns up here

the day before your wedding

and asks you to kiss her!

Camilla's obsessive,

she's been bugging me for months.

She's not well.

- Or you gave her some hope.

- No, I swear I didn't.

When was the last time

you were together?

Please don't!

- When was the last time you screwed?

- I don't know.

- This isn't an AA group, you know.

- Stop acting the fool.

I don't remember,

it was such a long time ago.

You and me were already an item...

- No, I don't think so.

- You don't think so or what?

No.

Paolo, I don't like women.

And I don't like other men either.

I like you.

It's our big day tomorrow, please

don't ruin it with this nonsense.

You've never kissed me

the way you kissed her.

Anyway, you can ask her

to be your witness if you want.

No, I've already asked Benedetta.

Well, Benedetta can be mine

seeing I don't have anyone.

Then she'll get from under our feet.

Or we could k*ll her.

What a fool!

I look strange without a mustache.

Very strange.

Benedetta?

You're really good!

You're very good, really!

- Oh, my God!

- What?

Oh, my God!

You mean the wig?

I haven't finished...

I still have to sort it out...

I thought I'd tie it back.

You're giving me goose-bumps.

You have the same scent.

Not your father again?

He's dead!

- Do I smell like I'm dead?

- No.

- Not my father.

- Who then?

- My mother.

- Is she dead too?

- She's still alive!

- At least one is!

Oh God, I've worked it out!

I wasn't looking for my father,

I was looking for my mother.

- Do you see?

- No, I don't see.

- Can I give you a kiss?

- That's all I need!

I'm confused enough as it is,

I don't know who I am...

What does it matter who you are?

Even Brother Francesco

said love has no gender!

And you're gorgeous...

That's what you are.

Yes, I know, but where would

we go together?

We could stay like this

for the rest of our lives.

- You dressed as a woman, and I...

- And you?

Also.

Yes, but you wear yours down,

I wear mine up, it's important to me.

Okay, I'll tie it back for you

for the rest of our lives.

Now can I give you a kiss?

Yes, but with mine tied back

and yours down.

My God.

Okay, close your eyes.

What the f*ck...?

What the f*ck are you doing?

- Why?

- Have you seen yourselves?

- What's wrong with us?

- What's wrong?

I can understand you,

but him in that wig, what is it?

Don't look at it like this,

I'll tie it back...

Wait, I want to tell you something.

Look!

No!

- Who's this?

- My mother.

Your mother?

You're right, he looks like her.

You see?

Take that wig off.

Everyone...

the Church of the Virgin

is on fire!

- Let's go!

- What?

What happened?

- I hate you, damn it!

- I haven't done anything.

- I hate you.

- It wasn't me, I swear!

- There's someone inside.

- Yes, there is.

No, Paolo!

This way.

Dad.

Give me a hand.

Let's go, Dad!

You look beautiful!

You both look beautiful!

Thanks, Dad.

- Paolo's mother's here.

- What? Where?

The woman in pink!

- What's she doing here?

- What?

I'm Anna.

Good-looking woman.

We have to go,

Paolo's just left the house.

Who's she?

- She's a...

- What?

Good morning, I'm Vincenza,

Paolo's mother.

I'm sorry we're late,

there was...

Thanks, Mum, that's enough.

Paolo, your mum's here.

The real one.

Mum!

- Thanks for coming.

- I love you!

- Thanks.

- You're so handsome.

What a complete as*h*le!

- Now what?

- Now what?

What do I do? Shall I change?

No, stay like that...

At this point...

You'll be cooler too.

Thanks, sorry.

Sorry.

Go on now.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't mention it.

Thanks.

I wonder in how many

other places of the world

other people have married two men

after this law was passed.

But I don't think anyone has

ever married his son to a man.

I tried to teach tolerance

to my son,

and I also tried to explain it

to all of you.

It's easy to talk about it, but much

more complex when it concerns you.

I want to apologize

to all the townspeople, to you,

but most of all to you, Antonio,

I didn't live up to it.

Forgive me.

Forgive me, all of you...

I didn't realize, I'm sorry.

Okay, we've come to the most

important part, the ceremony.

Excuse me!

I'd like to say a few words

if I may.

- Go ahead.

- Thanks.

Let go!

Who's she?

Antonio's ex-girlfriend,

he used to like girls once.

Paolo, you and I don't

know each other,

but I think you're a really

nice person.

Thanks.

And that's why you shouldn't marry

a man who doesn't love you.

- Stop this!

- I've only just started!

You don't deserve Paolo's love.

And you don't deserve the love

of these people you're fooling!

- You're crazy!

- I'm not crazy!

Forgive me, but could you

put us in the picture too?

Yes...

About a year ago, when

Antonio already claimed to love you,

he and I made love.

It was only one night, but I think

it's only right that you know.

And it's only right you know

what a horrible person Antonio is.

He has no idea what it means

to love someone.

Is this true?

Yes.

That's why you never told me

you loved me.

She's right,

you've never loved me.

That's the truth of it.

- Paolo!

- Let's go!

Let's get out of here!

I love you, Paolo.

MY BIG g*y ITALIAN WEDDING

Byeeee!