Wedding Video, The (2012)

[bunniefuu]

Buy camera,

press button, sh**t wedding.

You know, it all sounded

so bloody simple.

Right, so here I am record...

No, that's not it.

- Do you need a bit of help, mate?

- Eh?

First of all, look, you've got it all

on manual settings.

You're zoomed right in.

You need to come out. There.

- There's you.

- Full picture. Here's me.

Cheers for that.

So, Raif Moyle here

somewhere over the North Sea.

Making the symbolic journey home

to see my brother to be his best man.

- This is Chris,

- Hello.

Who showed me how to use

the camera. That's nice.

This is 'Kyla' who,

for a free can of Heineken

is about to get a starring role

in my picture.

It's 3 euro's.

So, this was it. 10:15, May the 3rd,

arriving home to be

my brother's best man.

I've just bought a camera and decided

to film the build-up to his wedding.

At this point I'm exactly 6 weeks

and 3 days away

from totally destroying their marriage.

Didn't know it then, of course.

Cheers, mate.

All I knew was I was coming home to see

my brother for the first time in 3 years.

A really magical thing to get on film.

One of those things you can't repeat.

Bro!

Oh, bollocks. We're gonna

have to do this again, sorry.

- Sit.

- What are we doing?

- I just wanna get your reaction on camera.

- I'm trying to get dressed for a party.

This will take less than a minute.

It's important.

- Right.

- Right? Ready?

- Yes.

- Action.

- Tim, my brother. How lovely to see you.

- Is that it?

- I'm leaving a little gap for you.

- It's lovely to see you, too.

Thank you. And as such, I've got you

the most incredible wedding present.

- A toaster?

- No.

- An erotic fertility symbol?

- Better.

An erotic fertility symbol

that also toasts?

Ta-da!

- A camera?

- No, a film of your wedding.

- No, you're not.

- The highs, the lows, the little--

Listen.

I'm gonna make this your wedding,

your film, made with love by me.

- So that one day you and...

- Saskia.

Saskia, thank you, can look back

at this, show it to your grandchildren.

- All right, well, yes, thank you very much.

- You're welcome.

- But no swearing and no nudity.

- Scout's honour.

- Hi, sexy.

- Bloody hell. Do you mind?

I'm telling you, this is gonna be

a 'warts and all' wedding video.

And there, ladies, is the wart.

This is what people wanna see.

That's the money shot right there.

The looks and the brains.

Hey, how's it going?

- You're the brains.

- Yeah'?

Yeah.

- Look at that. Look at that bum.

- Yeah, all right.

That's why she's marrying you.

She says she knows you, by the way.

Saskia. I think she went to your school.

- Saskia Critchley? Doesn't ring any bells.

- Well, no.

Because her mum remarried. At

school she'd have been Saskia Dutton.

- f*ck off.

- What?

You're marrying Saskia Dutton?

THE Saskia Dutton?

Highest non-attendance record

in school history.

Suspended on an almost fortnightly

basis. Saskia Dutton was a legend.

- That is brilliant.

- Okay, can you stop this?

It's amazing, though. Like, you!

- Why not me?

- Because you're you!

- That's ridiculous.

- It's not ridiculous.

- Tim!

- Can you stop this.

Hang on, the Duttons were permanently

skint. They can't live round here.

Yeah.

- I don't believe that.

- Well, I guess things have changed a bit.

Holy sh*t!

This was it.

The exact moment I entered a part of

Cheshire I'd only heard tell of as a kid.

The part they called the Beverly Hills

of the UK.

Hi.

- Tim. There he is.

- Hi.

There he is, my superstar.

Alex, this is Raif, my brother.

Raif, this is Alex, Saskia's mother.

- Hello, Raif.

- Hello.

- What's this?

- He's making a film.

- As a wedding present.

- Oh, you should have told me.

I'd have spent more time on my make-up.

Right.

Welcome, Raif.

Today there are still children

from low income backgrounds,

whose lives are destroyed

by the ravages of alcohol abuse.

You presence at this champagne tasting

means we can send some of them--

These are the 3 most important women

in Cheshire.

This is Kym Ling of Yang Ling restaurants.

Wilmslow, The Edge, everywhere.

- Only 8, darling.

- Only 8, she says.

- Tara Devlin of--Devlins.

- Voil.

And Jacqui Mintchell-Baines

of Mintchell-Baines Mercedes.

- Hello.

- Not to mention,

the bride-to-be.

Saskia! Saskia.

Come and meet... the best man.

- Saskia Dutton.

- Raif Moyle.

f*ck me.

Okay, let me just explain

my reaction quickly.

This is how I remember Saskia Dutton.

The craziest girl at school,

when she bothered to turn up.

The son' of girl your mum

would warn you about.

She went to parties like this

and hung out with blokes like that.

But now...

So, how did the two of you meet?

We met at a Road Haulage Industry

gala night.

- Oooh. Sounds exciting.

- All right, steady.

Was that a benefit for all the cyclists

they'd mowed down that year?

It was a benefit for children, Raif.

Okay?

It's a Christmas party. My step-dad,

well his company Rigid Box--

All right. Why don't you go back

there where I can keep an eye on you.

A sheep smells nicer. Go on, go away.

So, Tim, how does a guy like you

propose to a girl like Saskia?

- Eh, we, it was in...

- It was in Chester.

Yeah. We came out of the restaurant,

I sat her down by the fountains

roundabout and popped the question.

And he timed the fountains

so they went off just as I gave my answer.

Which was a bit embarrassing

because I said 'no' initially.

She's joking.

Alex's charity events, perfection.

I'm blushing here. So embarrassing.

Do you remember the buffet

for Famine Relief?

Oh, my God.

I've still got half of it in the freezer.

Have you?

I'll have it back for the next one.

- It's in a good cause.

- No, actually, we do raise a lot of money.

- We try and put something back.

- Like today.

- We've got great lives and...

- Very good cause. Let's drink to that.

- The alcohol abused children.

- Absolutely.

Great lad.

Great lad this.

As Saskia's step-dad, I suppose you're

doing 'the father of the bride' speech?

- That's a great idea. Des, you should.

- No, no.

We would love that.

- Oh, good.

- Thanks.

- Are you from round here?

- Initially, yes. I'm a traveller now.

- What?

- I travel.

- Country to country, or lay-by to lay-by?

- Abroad.

Right. For a minute there you had me

reaching for my handbag.

Because if I were a traveller

I might try to rob you. That's...

Of course not,

they don't all try to rob you.

The adults keep you talking.

The children rob you.

Raif, where are you?

- I'm over here in England, in about 1700.

- Oh, you've met.

This is Saskia's grandmother, Patricia.

Patricia, this is my brother Raif.

- Brother?

- Yes.

Here's me asking if you know

Manor House. You went.

No. Tim got a scholarship.

I went to Roton High, same as Saskia.

She was in the year above me.

Was above me in most things,

to be perfectly honest.

When Saskia got told off it was

by the Headmaster.

I only ever managed the Deputy Head.

The last time I saw Saskia Dutton, she was

being carried out of the chemistry lab,

a teacher at either end having drunk

an entire test tube of industrial alcohol.

- That was so funny. Remember?

- f*ck off.

- Tim, shall we get another drink?

- What a good idea.

This is the actual day. Saskia Dutton is

meant to be in this photograph but eh...

well, she knew all the teachers

would be out on the field so,

that was the day

of the chemistry lab raid.

If she'd looked up as she was carried

into that ambulance--

- I got a duvet and pillows and stuff.

- Look, look.

Cool.

Have you really not opened any

of these boxes from mum and dad's?

I've been kinda busy, having a job,

getting married, buying this duvet.

Come on, man. This is you and me in

these boxes. This is us, our whole lives.

Yeah. Okay, well knock yourself out.

Got a bit of an early start. All right?

- Sleep well.

- Night, mate.

5330 am.

The only people awake are milkmen,

crack addicts,

and women preparing for a wedding.

- Do you have to do this?

- Course he does. It's background.

- Have you filmed the home cinema?

- Yeah.

Stick a kebab shop up there

and you'll never have to leave the house.

Oh, I wish, don't you, that you had more

time at home sometimes?

My husband, Des, with his company.

The amount of social functions.

- Is it very hard being 'Mrs Rigid Box'?

- Not hard 'hard'.

No, I'm not complaining. God, there's

people in India with no legs. It's just...

Could you, sorry,

could you take your shoes...

Oh, right. Sorry.

- It's just with it being porcelain.

- Yeah.

Thanks, darling.

This week, for example,

2 separate nights we're taking clients

to the concerts at...

Do you know the classical concerts

at Breton Castle? Do you know those?

They are amazing. Full orchestra,

outside, under the stars.

- Costs a fortune to get in but...

- Not if you do it like we used to.

Yeah, I'm sure Raif doesn't wanna know

about that, darling.

We used to climb the hill from the other

side. Watch it all from behind for free.

Bag of sandwiches.

Actually, Raif,

could you put your shoes back on?

Oh, sorry.

Okay, get ready for the slow motion.

And... slow motion.

Meet Tim Moyle, my big brother.

Oh, don't do that.

- So, tell me about your job.

- Well, I'm head of a department,

which oversees systems across

the various council departments,

- and it makes sure--

- Can't stay awake.

Okay, piss right off. Thank you.

- Here is where I had my first pint.

- Oh, come on.

Put a bit of life into it.

- Here is where I had my first pint.

- Yeah, all right, thank you.

And so it was here amongst

this scrubland,

- that Tim found an adult magazine.

- Raif.

Upon taking it home, grandma found it

in the airing cupboard, and said to him:

"Tim, if there's anything you don't

understand about women,

you need only ever ask".

And this is the bridge where Raif would

like me to tell you about something,

but over there is the electric fence

where Raif, aged 5,

electrocuted his p*nis

by trying to wee against it,

and had to be taken to the hospital

with his pants down,

and the doctor, who I thought had

a terrific sense of humour, said:

"From now on, every time you do

a poo, your nose will light up".

And little Raif burst into tears.

Boo-hoo-hoo.

Thank you.

Hello, and welcome to 'Mr and Mrs',

where we find out how much the bride

and groom know about each other.

- I really don't wanna do this.

- I told you.

Put the box on, it'll be good.

So, Saskia, if you could get married

anywhere in the world,

- where in the world would you get married?

- I dunno.

Up a mountain or maybe the side

of a volcano or--

Really?

You're not meant to be able to hear

in the box.

- I thought you liked the Grosvenor?

- I do.

I like it. If we have to have a load of

guests then it's fine.

Tim. People often refer to me

as the human Las Vegas.

But if Saskia were any city in the world,

what city would she?

Oh, eh, I don't know.

- Leicester?

- Leicester?

- You're not meant to be able to hear--

- What's wrong with Leicester?

- Le... I mean...

- it's bright, it's central.

- It's got great connections.

- Oh.

- It's nice. Have you ever been?

- No. Fair enough.

- Right, put those on.

- I guess I am 'Leicester'.

- Put that there. Thank you.

- Thank you.

Right. Tim.

What's the most embarrassing thing that's

happened during sexual intercourse?

- Don't you dare answer that.

- You're not meant to be...

- Ow! Turn it down. Jesus.

- Tim.

What does Saskia think

is your most irritating habit?

She'd probably say

I don't really have any.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Final answer?

- Yeah.

Okay.

Saskia.

What is Tim's most irritating habit?

Oh, God. Snoring.

No? Did he say rolling down,

when he rolls down the cereal packet?

Counting my drinks? No.

When he puts the toilet paper in a 'V'.

That's really...

Oh, no, did...

did you think I was gonna say...

He folds up his dirty underwear

before he puts it in the laundry.

I don't actually find that annoying.

I think it's funny.

- It makes sense.

- Yeah, I know.

You fold it, you get more

in the laundry basket.

I thought maybe you thought

that's what I thought--

Many people find getting married

is a time to re-examine their atheism.

- Hallo.

- Oh, hi.

- Reverend Dobbs? Tim.

- Tim, how are you?

- Hi, Saskia. Hello.

- Hello.

Oh, sorry. This is, um,

this is the best man.

He's just doing like a film thing

for the wedding.

No, no, that's fine. That's fine.

I'm quite used to being in front of

a camera.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Um, would you like to come in?

Welcome... to Damascus.

- Right, so--

- This is it.

Mary said to Joseph,

"I don't think this is our donkey".

That little boy.

- Every time.

- That's really good.

Cool, so um,

could we, so the wedding, is that...

The wedding.

- Of course, sorry, the wedding.

- I suppose we were thinking...

Right.

So...

are you both virgins?

Well, um...

Your face.

- Wow.

- Every time. Every time.

Now, Saskia wasn't

the only bride that summer.

Also getting hitched was Zanna.

Daughter of Alex's friend slash rival

Jacqui Mercedes Franchise.

All right, yeah.

The best things in life are free

After a perfect ceremony

and a awless dove release,

experts were predicting this would be

the Cheshire wedding of the year.

- Gold leaf champagne?

- Oh, wonderful.

Cheshire mushroom. Picked this

morning by the groom.

- Really?

- Complimentary camera?

Lovely.

- Frozen sugared rose petals.

- For f*ck's sake.

Jacqui had hired

a professional film crew.

They had a lot of fancy kit but lacked

a son' of creative integrity,

demonstrated by a more independent

film-maker.

It's a glorious wedding.

You've been brilliant.

So is your wedding gonna be like this?

Yeah, a bit like. I mean,

it's a wedding, isn't it?

We've had the bit in the church, now you

do the milling around, avoiding people.

- Well, you know, general milling.

- Boys...

Come in here.

Come in here. See this.

Take a look at this.

Get every detail. Even the canopy,

you know. They've thought of...

These little diamondy things.

It's a lovely touch.

Could you clear the basin

so we can look at that?

And this. The toilets.

Elmsley and Barnes in a portable.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

The wedding was perfection.

But Jacqui hadn't finished.

Zanna was going to sing for us.

A simple love song sung from the heart?

No. This was a Cheshire wedding so...

My Heart Will Go On)

Smoke, smoke. More smoke.

Too much smoke. Cut the smoke.

- Daddy!

- The Ice!

Oh, sh*t.

The next morning

I found a very different Alex.

With the favourite fallen at the last,

the race for Cheshire Wedding

Of The Year was wide open.

Alex decided to pick up the pace.

Suddenly I had a new camera

and sh*t loads of kit.

Sorry, I got a bit of our reflection

in there.

Sorry, Alex, have to do that again.

- Hi There. My name's--

- Sorry, Rog. Lift the mic up a bit.

Sorry. Hi.

My name's Roger and I'm delighted,

because I've just been asked

to write a love song for this video.

Well, we said if you held the mic

we'd discuss it, so it's not a...

All right. No, Rog...

And you can find yourself

another f*cking sound man.

You're definitely doing it.

You are definitely, definitely doing it.

Cheers, man.

- Oh, Rog, don't stand there.

- What?

You're in the shot.

And this is the Meribelle

modelled by Tricia.

Tricia's put on a little weight recently,

but the Meribelle's woven

with elastic panels,

so it can cope with the odd doughnut.

- Rog, you're in shot again.

- Can I have a go?

No, you can't have a go.

I've got a tone here, a style developing.

But this thing's k*lling my arms.

You wouldn't ask Rembrandt "Can I have

a go on your paintbrush?" Would you?

- Don't be a twat.

- Don't say that at a wedding fayre.

- Twat!

- Rog, shut up!

I'm just saying it would be nice.

Well, your brother made it.

- Actually, yeah. Have a go.

- Cool.

So, our guinea pig today is Lauren.

Lauren, have you set a date?

I have, Penny. 30th of January, 3 years'

time, Mairstone Castle.

3 years. Wow. ls your groom all right

about that long a wait?

I haven't actually met anyone yet, but if I

don't book now I won't get the venue.

And with our specialist technology,

we put weights within the bouquet,

so that the extra weight of the posy

will tense your biceps.

It will strengthen your triceps,

and it will eliminate any risk

of bingo wings on your big day.

But also to try and find something that's

compatible with your current--

Obviously, you don't wanna be all like--

You don't want to be stiff on the morning

after your wedding.

- Yeah, Raif. Stop it.

- Hmm?

Stop it.

Hi, guys. So the idea is you visit

the studios

around six weeks before your

wedding day,

and you bring your wedding lingerie,

your veil and tiara,

and then we direct you

into these amazing body sculpting poses.

Do this. Definitely do this.

Ever the other way round?

Do you ever film grooms for brides?

Yes, of course, sir. Would you like

to enter our draw to win a photo-sh**t?

No, thank you. It's great.

No, it's not for me.

- Thank you so much. Thank you.

- Thanks. Cheers.

Cor, don't mind if I do.

- Actually, yes, I will.

- Great.

The heat of the room warms them up.

So at the special moment,

la-la, voila',

wedding filled with butterflies.

- That is stupendous.

- Look at that.

- We've got to have that.

- You have.

- Is that one dead?

- No, they're just sleeping.

They're all... Those four are dead.

Look, that's not moving.

That one's alive.

I think it's eating that one.

- Look, there's one right here.

- There's one on you.

Get it off. Please take it off.

I don't want it.

Please, take it off. I don't like...

Sorry.

- They're nice.

- I don't want that, actually. Sorry.

What can a butterfly do except

look lovely?

- Sas...

- Don't worry, we'll have them.

- Thank you.

- Three boxes for each per...

- So we've got eight bridesmaids--

- Well, um...

making it personal to Saskia, you know.

I think that's what... Don't we?

What makes a wedding special.

Those little personal ideas,

personal touches that make it

absolutely, entirely Saskia's.

And I hope that's what Jenna's

going to come up with.

What's it like

being a wedding planner?

Oh, well being a wedding planner's

a dream job for a woman.

You get married 6 times a year and you

never have to go home with a men.

- And you used to be an air hostess?

- Er, yes.

I stopped being an air hostess after

one particularly bad flight into...

Helsinki, after which I sort of

lost confidence.

And my love for the job, and I suffered

a severe loss of drive.

Severe loss of, of motivation. Plus um...

I started to...

scream quite a bit during turbulence,

so that wasn't...

so good.

Remember one thing.

People come for the bride and the groom,

but they go home,

talking about the butterfly release.

Wow.

This is going to be really special.

To get some tips for Tim and Saskia's

first dance,

we've managed to get Konstantin

Yevchinski from the Moscow Ballet.

So our thought was, um,

this is kind of our song.

Well, not our song but a song

that was playing when,

- on the night we met. So...

Um, do it, the dance, now.

Um, you two have never had sex.

You dance like you've never had sex.

Have you had sex?

- Not since we got here.

- No.

Dance is passion.

It's not here. It's here.

- it's, it's sh*t. Basically.

- Right.

Terrible. sh*t. p*nis limp.

Drooping like two wildebeests

or any bison like creature.

- Pissed bison. Yeah, pissed.

- Oh, no, don't...

Oh, if you just...

Maestro!

Oh, yes.

if you feel passion in your partner,

you'll feel it!

Is that right, Alex?

Did you feel his passion?

Sorry?

Gonna put the camera here.

I've no idea what I'm filming.

"You never know

what's around the corner"?

Um, John F Kennedy.

No, I think it was Forrest Gump,

wasn't it? That chocolate's thing?

Anyway, you plan for one venue

and suddenly

one you could only dream of

gets a wedding license.

- What are you talking about?

- Something happened with the Grosvenor?

What's going on?

Blindfolds off.

if there was a lesson to be learned

from the sinking of the Titanic,

like something about bigger

not always being better,

Alex was studiously ignoring it.

It's all yours.

It's quite ridiculous.

We're just gonna say 'no'.

Yeah, it's too big. I know, don't worry.

Come here, look at this.

The first couple to be married at

Rostherne Hall. How does that sound?

Great.

- Tim?

- Yeah.

- We're in a bloody stately home!

- I was there, I saw it.

Raif Moyle reporting here.

As I'm showing you everything

that happened in the run-up to the wedding,

I think it's important that we document

some of the 'speed bumps' on the...

- path of the happy day.

- We're discussing it.

It's a bit bloody late now. 2 seconds later

Mum comes over and you're like...

- "0, great. Fantastic!"

- What am I supposed to do?

Say, "Shove it up your arse, your stately

home". No, I can't do that.

She's your mother, it makes her happy.

One day he'll look back on that,

and really laugh.

Next on the card

is the 3:25 Rigid Box Haulage Stakes.

Classified race over 7 furlongs.

Are you running?

Um girls, I'm afraid there's been a change

of venue for the wedding,

- so new invitations.

- My God, they haven't double-booked?

- Not the Grosvenor, surely?

- No, no. It's just that, um...

Somewhere else came up which had

always been Saskia's favourite anyway.

- Oh, my God.

- It's not a hassle, is it?

- Had you booked cabs?

- Alex, it's Rostherne Hall.

Wow, it's Rostherne Hall.

How on earth did you manage

to get that?

- Amazing. That's...

- it's unheard of, actually.

- Wow.

- Brilliant.

Are you getting all this? Sorry, but if you

don't take the first time then...

the reactions aren't so real.

Thanks, Raif.

- it's outrageous.

- Oh, it's f*cking ridiculous.

- It's far too big.

- But it's cold, Jacqui, that's the thing.

- She'll never heat it.

- No, I know, it's wrong.

So, Des,

how's the big speech coming along?

How's this for an opener?

"Ladies and gentlemen,

most of you know I am not Saskia's

biological father,

but I like to think

I am her nonbiological one.

- Well, will that get a laugh?

- Um...

- Bird cages. With real birds in them.

- Oh.

And you dye the bird to match the cage.

Or you can have a white one and a black.

- I don't want birds.

- Darling, look...

Picture frames on twigs.

- Why?

- Why? Why not. Why not.

The doctor said,

"I can't see a parrot, madam,

but I can tell you've had a c*ck".

- Inappropriate?

- Um...

Wheat grass. Just knock it back.

Good for your teeth.

Okay.

Just...

Okay.

- Er, wheat grass.

- Mum, I--

- Wheat grass!

- Wheat grass!

- Thank you, Jenna.

- Jenna's being marvellous.

- Something with a horn. Thank you.

- Stop it.

I'm gonna be your mother-in-law

in a week.

- it's lovely.

- Feel that, you can just...

I think it could do with a coat of arms.

An escutcheon thing with the family crest.

250? 300.

Oh, sorry.

Forget my head. All right?

Oh, you got that down you? Good.

- Ta-da!

- Oh, I think they're perfect.

No. I don't like it.

As you enter, the falcon flies the length

of the church,

and delivers you the wedding rings.

All right?

Jenna, you're a genius.

You are a genius.

We'll have that. Definitely. Fantastic.

I don't know what it is.

It's part of the theme, isn't it?

What, birds of prey theme? Okay.

I must have missed that meeting,

we decided to have

a predator themed wedding.

- Okay. I'll change it.

- Were you at the meeting?

I'll tell them you're not happy

with the falcons delivering the rings.

Let's have a couple of penguins

with them on trays. Yeah?

That's a nice idea.

Yeah, thank you.

So, I was thinking we should film

at the summerhouse.

Are you gonna watch that?

Is that why you're making it?

- It's a present for you.

- Yeah? Well, stop it. Okay?

Just put it down.

If it's a present for me then...

When somebody offers you a present,

it is customary to accept.

There's actually a tribe

in Eastern Siberia where--

Can you get the salsa, please?

- I don't think the camera's the problem.

- I do, Raif.

- No, it's that you don't back up Saskia.

- All right, I'll get it myself.

- You roll over to Alex all the time.

- What?!

- Anything she says--

- I haven't rolled over to anyone.

Don't be silly. If she told you you were

having an underwater wedding,

- you'd be round there in a frog suit.

- I want you to be there,

in the middle of this nightmare

helping me organise this wedding,

instead of just dicking around

around the edges.

How dare you! I am not clicking

around the edges.

- I'm taking this very serious.

- What the hell is this?

Right, yeah. Well...

I won a raffle at a wedding show.

It seemed like a shame to waste it.

- You say "no for the sake of saying no.

- No. Mum.

You've always been like this.

No, I don't like braces".

"No, I don't want to go to finishing

school." But you've got to try things.

Oh, I've got to try things?

Well, I've never tried heroin, so...

- Can you stop filming, please?

- Shall I try some?

- Probably not.

- Mum.

You want me to travel in a Rolls Royce.

Fine.

Then you change your mind.

You want to travel in a Bentley. Fine!

Don't you want enchantment?

Don't you want your day to...

- Don't you want it to be special?

- Mum, are you taking heroin?

Because every time I tell you

what I want, it's like you're not there!

Do not say that.

I'm no monster. I'm a mother who wants

her daughter's wedding day to be special.

I didn't like to say in front of your mother

but I think that horse had the horn.

You look like you could do with a drink.

We're there. There.

Okay. Oh, Crikey, I'm on now, am I?

Yes, you are officially part

of our wedding video.

- Show him the ring, darling.

- Oh, that's lovely. Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- We're very happy.

Well done. So you're looking for wine

for how many?

- 600. Yeah.

- 600?

- 600?

- Yeah, we're up to 6 now.

Right, 600. Right, okay, Well, I'll just...

Sit down. I'll just get a little selection.

- A seat for the bride?

- Thank you, my darling.

Don't mention it, my sweet.

Won't be long. Just make yourselves

comfortable. 600?

- Six. Yes.

- Our 600 guests,

who we shall now

try all of the wine for.

Mmmm.

- You get the almonds just at the end.

- It just hips in there.

The almond just nips in there.

I can taste liquorice.

And liquorice as well, yes. Well spotted.

- Do you have any others with liquorice?

- I think...

Actually, yes. Hold tight.

Now we're in...

business.

Cheers.

- That's lovely.

- I'm getting mango.

"Are you?

"Mangg?

But jasmine as well?

Bit of jasmine in there?

- Very moreish.

- Yeah.

Yeah. Lovely, yes. Thank you.

Now this has a lovely,

herbaceous,

green aromas.

So we can compare them,

let's get another of the...

the, er, one, um,

the one before.

You see the bottle opener

anywhere?

- You're so funny, Andrew. You're so funny.

- You two, I know.

- To happy happiness.

- And plenty more where that came from.

You just see what you wanna see,

don't you?

You just bloody see what you wanna see.

(Andrew 'singing?

Do you wanna hear the song

that I've written?

Yeah.

His name is Tim

Your name is Saskia

Well, is that...

Is that it?

I can't remember what I did after that,

to be honest.

I don't think I want my wedding song

written by the 'orgasm g*n' guy.

Okay, just to clarify.

At school Roger and I were in a band.

I say 'band'. We only had the one song.

Doctor Sargasso's orgasm g*n

I say 'song'. It was really just one line

that we repeated over and over again,

whilst everyone pretended to have

an orgasm,

which went down surprisingly poorly

at the Christmas carol concert.

Doctor Sargasso's orgasm g*n

- Doctor Sargasso's orgasm g*n

- Sorry, what, hello.

- Waaaaay!

- What's going on?

Where have you been?

We've gotta eat.

We... we, we have to go and eat,

to eat with the chef.

- Who gave her the spliff? You?

- Er, hello.

- I'm still in the room. I can hear you.

- Yeah, right, you are.

Tim!

Don't laugh at him.

And you're just like "Yeah, fine"

to whatever she says.

- That is such a load of bollocks.

- Yes, you are!

I've never heard such sh*t in my life.

- What did you do all day?

- I wanted to go out.

- Raif was there.

- Just been titting around with him.

She just needed a break

from the wedding stuff.

Don't make this harder than it is already.

I see you've worked out the title

of your autobiography then.

Hiring Rostherne Hall attracted the

attention of the local glossy magazine,

which promptly made them the stars

of their 'Wedding Of The Month' feature.

This required a photo-sh**t.

Smile. Just remember you're in love.

And you have your whole lives together.

Meanwhile, out on the terrace,

Britain's next top model was getting

ready to have her photo taken, too.

This is my favourite view, looking

from the house down towards the lake.

Just look this way, please. Lovely.

And again.

- Oh, that's nice.

- With Patricia in such an excellent mood,

I thought I'd ask some burning questions.

So, Patricia, it must have been a very

different family before Alex met Des?

Not much money around. Was it...

I'm assuming Alex and Saskia's dad

must have separated?

Probably about 2O minutes

after conception.

Right. Might be hard to track him down

for an interview, then.

Well, you could stand on the Eiffel Tower,

and shout out, "Has anyone had sex

with a waitress on holiday?

But being in France I don't suppose many

hands would stay down, would they?

"But being France, I doubt many hands...

- If you could try to...

- Here we are.

Here is the groom. And the best man.

This is Luke from Exclusive Videos who's

going to be sh**ting the wedding video,

so the pressure's off you, Raif.

You can focus on your main job now.

Raif?

You can focus on being best man.

This one was shot by the third

Lord Rostherne, in Kenya I think.

Early 1800s. Magnificent beast.

I could let Alex have her official version

of events,

but I decided I was gonna keep filming

as well. Under cover.

Anyway, these ones were in West Africa.

Chased them for days.

Very rare breed. Almost extinct.

Terrible trouble hunting them down.

And round here, a special one.

Very special.

The jewel in the crown.

This was the one the third Lord

was most proud of.

- You don't see many of these.

- No, I can imagine.

Couldn't stuff the whole thing.

The rest we made into cushions.

Saturday afternoon, 1978, Chester Zoo.

Very difficult shot. Children everywhere.

Ah, now these magnificent specimens,

for me they sum up what was really

great about this country.

They're a constant reminder,

that the English were never afraid to sh**t

a grazing herbivore right up the arse,

from behind a wall of Nigerians.

And this is my favourite.

I actually stuffed him myself.

But it was too rainy to go hunting,

so we bought him from a pet shop,

took him home,

kicked him down the stairs.

I say,

bam-bam old girl, what's through here?

Er...

The fourth Lord, who married

into the Marquillage family,

and, finally, the fifth Lord.

My late husband.

Oh, look. Here he is.

Harold, you've lost weight.

Have they not been feeding you?

Sas, grab the camera.

He was wonderful. Very kind.

Very sensitive.

Very Christian man.

I still feel his presence everywhere

in this house.

Hello. Lord Rostherne here.

Just reliving some of my favourite

moments from out on safari.

Out on the savannah, some chap told me

you can't call yourself a real hunter,

till you've popped the old chap

in a tiger's mouth.

I said, Sir, if you'd met Lady Rostherne

you'd know--

- This is my bedroom.

- That's a blessed relief.

Oh, my God.

Hi, this is Saskia.

I am reporting on a camera

which has just been confiscated,

by my mother from Raif,

who is currently in there getting

a major bollocking--

What's he done? What did he do?

No, it's fine. We were just,

- We were in the private rooms and--

- We?

Why are you treating this like

it's a laugh?

This is a wedding, Saskia.

This is not a laugh, this is a wedding.

It's getting closer and you treating it

like it's some f*cking party,

is not gonna help us get through this!

It's still here.

This is a site of immense historical

importance.

Anyone who bunked off Roton High

ended up down here drinking beer.

And this is where Raif is going to

meet me if he wants his camera back.

Good day, Lord Rostherne!

My good Lady Rostherne, how are you?

- Old Glory!

- Oh, my God.

- 57 pence.

- Old Glory.

- Yes.

- They still make it.

I hope so. This may be from the batch he

still had the last time I went in there.

I think mine's got hairs floating in it.

I can't drink this.

I've got a wedding dress fitting

this afternoon.

- Definitely don't drink that.

- I'm supposed to be drinking wheat grass.

- Enjoy that.

- Let me have a taste, one taste.

- And it's just as...

- Wow.

- Revolting as I remember.

- That will put hairs on your hairs.

- How did you end up in Lucerne?

- It was gran's idea.

European college to help prepare

for society.

Like university?

Er, one of the lessons was how to listen

to a conversation.

You're kidding.

- How long did you last?

- 6 days.

- Wow.

- Got chucked out drawing

'How to get out of a sports car without

flashing your knickers'.

I wasn't wearing any. I was.

- Things went downhill from there.

- How?

- Well, basically just more and more debts.

- Go on-.

- There was a hire car driven into a lake.

- Wow.

There was an affair with the bloke who

took the stitches out. He was lovely.

Then I had a fight with his wife.

I got in with this biker g*ng. I mean,

it was incredible

and just the loveliest guys.

Um, but...

turned out they were basically using

me as a drugs mule.

I realised I had spiked my own drink.

The bloke that had his tooth removed,

he's suing me because he's a flautist.

She set my ponytail on fire. And the rest

of the bar. It was awful.

I had to leave Italy after that.

My mum and Des had to fly out

while I'm in hospital,

waiting till I'm fit enough to stand bail.

Oh, my God.

And that's when Saskia Dutton

became Saskia Critchley.

Right. Come on, come with me.

Where are we going? Raif.

This is the summerhouse. Mum and dad

bought it when we were small.

Oh, look.

You can imagine coming here

when you were a kid.

'Swallows And Amazons' and

'The Famous Five' all rolled into one.

- So peaceful.

- What the...?

The River Dee was a vital

watercourse--

- Oh, that's new.

- It rises in the hills in Llanuwchllyn--

Oh, bloody hell.

Cheap lock.

Wow.

This is...

Look at this.

They always said they'd see the world,

mum and dad.

So when they died, me and Tim decided

we'd do the trip for them.

Sold the house.

Bought the tickets.

Head to Patagonia where they were.

Are.

I made it but...

Tim didn't.

Because he met you.

No, not like that. No.

No, I...

He should have stayed.

Well...

They'd have really liked you.

Thank you.

See if you can hit that stick.

- Rubbish.

- sh*t.

This is THE tree.

Tim could never climb it but yours truly

is basically Spider-Man.

- Wow. Go on, then. Go on.

- Uh?

Go on.

Thank you. That's nice.

- Um...

- You all right?

Not really.

- Little help?

- Yeah. Okay.

- f*ck.

- Oh, my God.

I wanted them to be like footprints

of all my travels. So,

I got that in Tijuana, cool snake.

They say never fall in love with a stripper

but that's California.

Hello, Jeanie.

Monkeys fighting robots. That's, well,

Tokyo, obviously.

And then up here on my chest I got this

Maori guy to design,

it was beautiful, my mum and dad's

birth signs.

- Oh!

- Yeah. Except it went septic so,

I went to Dagenham and this bloke

covered it with a massive f*cking dragon.

- Oh, my God.

- Sweet, right.

The River Dee was a vital watercourse

for the Romans.

Um, yeah. Turn that off.

Seriously. Turn that off.

And on your left you'll see the native

tribes people of this area.

Rog.

Gina Palladia, Foregate Street.

We're gonna do a special shot.

Bring your guitar.

Okay, cue music, Rog.

And here comes the bride!

c*ck.

- What?

- That's what the models say. Pout, c*ck.

- Pout. c*ck. c*ck.

- c*ck?

Right. Give me tigress.

Ninja.

Er, okay, dance for me.

My flamenco beauty! You must dance!

Sas?

Saskia?

Saskia?

Sas...

Raif! Raif!

Sas! Saskia!

Raif! What do I do?

Do you want me to keep filming?

Sorry, mate, sorry.

There you go. Sas!

- Raif!

- Please come back, Saskia!

- Saskia!

- Well, what do I do?

Raif.

Bingo.

Can I say the thing that anybody would say

to a woman 2 days before her wedding--

I'm not nervous.

All right.

Well, Doctor Raif's in session.

Taking patients. Ding.

Come on.

I'm very compassionate.

Compassion's nature's way of helping

ugly men find partners, so...

I'm unhappy-Okay?

And it's dark.

Like imagine the darkest colour

you can imagine.

Like black but even darker.

Well, it's like this sticky,

dark oil has been...

poured into my heart and it hurts.

And it's just this big black,

smoker's lung of...

unhappiness just dripping with...

blackness.

f*ck.

Year 11. You bunked off halfway through

cross country. Got on a bus,

just so you could see the Chemical

Brothers check out of a hotel.

April that same year,

the week Kurt Cobain died,

you asked if you could read

in assembly,

but you didn't read from the Bible,

you read out Nirvana,

even when they tried

to drag you away.

Sports Day, you pierced your ear

and it bled and you cried for an hour,

and the little kid in the year below you,

bought you some ice cubes

and you smiled at him.

And that smile stopped his heart.

And I'll never forget that smile.

- Oh...

- So any time you feel less than fantastic,

you remember, you're Saskia Dutton,

Saskia Dutton.

Sorry.

Whoa.

Okay.

They didn't?

Oh, they didn't.

Please tell me they didn't.

So has someone seen them?

Someone definitely knows?

Oh, great.

Something wrong?

The Koreans who were going to do foot

massage in the toilets just got deported.

Hey, Raif.

What are you gonna do about this?

Hmm?

- Please tell me you're gonna tell him.

- Turn the camera off.

- No chance. This scene is far too--

- Give me the camera.

Hey. Old Cheshire Glory.

It's his favourite. Took me ages to find it.

Apparently they've stopped making it.

It k*lled too many tramps.

- Raif's got something to say.

- No, no. Listen, that should be me.

Look, I just want to say...

No, no, no I'm sorry,

for being arsey and stroppy, you know,

with everyone.

It's just the wedding and the whole...

I took myself to one side and I gave

myself a very stern talking to,

and you know what?

Everything's fine.

You know, I'm fine, the Wedding's all fine,

because I know,

I'm doing the right thing. Aren't I?

And Saskia's all right.

I mean, you'd know.

- He's a much better judge of women.

- Saskia isn't...

Leicester. You asked me what town

she was and I said 'Leicester'.

She's not Leicester. She's...

Rio and Mardi Gras

and Amsterdam and...

- Barcelona in the rain.

- I've never been to any of those places.

You don't have to now,

you're marrying Saskia Dutton.

The world comes to you.

H6)'-

The Moyle brothers.

All for one and one for all.

Your woman

ls your angel

ls your left side

Your whole life

And easily the most beautiful thing

in your world

She'll soothe you

Accuse you

Confuse you

She'll lose you

But always be the best friend

you have in the world

Time and space

Things in their place

I know it's more than a feeling

Cos my love it has no ceiling for you

- Raif?

- Hey.

Oh. Hi, hey. Um...

I just wanted to say

everything's fine.

Oh.

It's funny, I was just thinking

how fine everything was. So...

Good. Um, well...

that's what I came to--

- Say. And what I was just thinking.

Um, good.

Obviously a bit...

weird but um...

- it happens.

- Oh, all the time.

- Happened to me once on a ferry which...

- What?

- What are you...?

- I don't know.

- What were you saying?

- How, in the kebab shop when I...

- Yeah. No, done. Erased. Don't worry.

- No, um...

No, I mean that there obviously

there are things to um...

to address um...

- for me and Tim, not...

- Oh. No, look...

- and this is not the time.

- just get this wedding out of the way.

And then sort out the marriage after.

I mean, you don't have to sort it out.

- No, no, er, yeah... it's okay.

- You've got 2 days till the wedding.

- You've seen the schedule, so...

- Oh God, bloody Jenna. She's...

Cool. So...

I guess I will see you then. So...

As long as you're fine.

- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

- Right.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

So you... organised anything?

Well, I just thought you'd prefer,

you know...

Well, it's just as well I booked

a stripper.

- What?

- What?

We went through this. I said Tim's not

gonna want that sort of thing.

Come on, mate--

Tim Moyle?

You've been a very naughty boy.

- For f*ck's sake.

- It's fine, Raif, calm down.

You've been a very naughty boy.

And you know how we punish--

Sorry, I've gotta take this.

Dave, just wait till I get home.

Sorry.

Oh, you naughty boy-

I'm gonna have to take you into custody--

Sorry.

Dave, I said just wait till I get home.

Why is my job suddenly a problem?

You know why I'm doing it.

You know! Don't you think I feel dirty?

- Don't you think I feel used?

- Thanks for this, Rog.

Come on. It's my fault he's like this.

Mate, I'm fine. Completely fine,

don't worry. Drink!

H6)'-

Here we go. Internet.

Ultimate stag night challenge list.

- No, no. Give it here.

- Yes.

Rog! We're not doing some dopey bunch

of challenge--

3 shots in 3 seconds.

Go.

join another stag party.

That's interesting.

We thought of using those caterers.

3 and 4, combined.

Okay, skip that one. What's next?

Oi, you! You been chatting up my bird?

kiss a policewoman.

join a hen night.

Ooo.

Don't do that!

No, sorry, ladies. Yeah.

I didn't like that.

Number 9:

- No.

- It's a big candle.

No, this is wrong.

- You again?

- We're collecting for charity.

I've already told you to bugger off once

today. Yeah, you keep running.

And who the f*ck are you? Go on,

bugger off, the lot of you.

So it's the big day.

Are you feeling nervous?

- Er, well, yes, of course I'm nervous.

- Morning of the wedding.

But the skill of the planner

is to remain a pool of calm.

- And how do you manage that?

- Can't remember what they're called,

but it's fine as long as you don't mix them

with alcohol.

Mrs Critchley, how are you feeling?

Well, this is the big day. The day we've

all been building up towards.

And we're suitably nervous.

Champagne at the ready.

Excuse the curlers.

Fridges for ice sculptures on your left.

Chocolate sculptures on your right.

Not now. Thank you.

- Italian princess kind of look.

- Lovely, loose flowing curls.

- Where the hell are my falcons?

- Round the table.

- Good.

- Thank you.

Can you get my hat from the

bathroom and my bag, please?

Thank you very much. Hat. Thanks.

Absolute frenzy.

Wonder if it's anything

like this at Tim's house?

Oh, good God.

Tim? Tim, wake up.

It's morning, it's 10 o'clock.

Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh, my...

Raif, it's 10 o'clock. Raif...

What the f*ck am I wearing?

Raif? Raif?

Raif, it's my wedding day!

Gotta get up, help me out of this.

- Help me, Ralf.

- No, stay still, stay still.

- Help me out. There's a zip.

- All right, all right.

I can't go to the wedding dressed

like a c*ck.

Oh, goodness me.

I'm getting nervous now.

Raif, don't finish that.

Sorry.

Put this on. Put this on.

50 minutes. 50 minutes till I get married.

Phone. Shoes!

50 minutes till I get married.

It's got to feel rock solid.

No, it needs to be further forward.

Okay, is the best man's speech

written down'? I need to see it.

Not to interfere but just

to check the language.

Alex says no jokes about Europeans,

because the Belgian Ambassador's

gonna be there. And also--

Okay, out we get. As the guests

approach you smile.

And then you strew flowers. Okay?

It's important you remember the names

of the ushers. Toby, Fraser and Uri.

He's the Ambassador's son. It's their job

to marshal everyone for the photograph,

because the photographer says...

Sorry, what's happening?

Has a tyre blown out?

Have we got a spare?

Where are you going?

What's that noise'?

Oh, no, you're not gonna be sick.

Don't be sick on the suit. Okay?

- I have to tell you something.

- Go back in the car.

- I have to confess.

- About what?

About me and Saskia.

Right. 10 minutes.

- I'll go in the first car with your gran.

- Mum.

Don't.

- What?

- I know what you're going to say.

You do?

And, believe me, seeing you walk down

the aisle with the man you love,

that'll be thanks enough for me.

- Wish me luck.

- Good luck. Good luck.

- No, get off.

- You sh*t, you total...

What are you doing?

- Come on, get them apart.

- All right.

Just calm down, yeah.

Limo one is code green.

Limo one code green.

Champagne to zone 4.

Cue aerial display. Go, go, go, go!

Oh, look, mother.

She kissed you?

Why?

- We were in the kebab shop and--

- She kissed you in a kebab shop?

It's because she's unhappy, Tim.

That's why.

You know...

And I don't think you're very happy either.

- And I think you should admit that.

- I'm fine. I told you.

Fine's not good enough, though.

Before I went travelling, you were more

than fine. You were...

And I come back and...

Whatever it is that makes you happy,

I'm in. But this wedding isn't it.

It happened because Saskia

isn't happy either,

- and yet you're both gonna turn up--

- it's too late.

- It's not too late.

- I can't talk to her at the church--

- Go to the hotel, then.

- The bells are gonna start in 12 minutes.

- She'll have left the hotel.

- She's a bride. She'll be late.

Right, okay. It's Saturday morning,

we've gotta get across town.

- Get back in the car.

- Have you got the keys, keys, keys?

We don't need the keys.

Yes, keys, get the keys.

And I said:

"I'm practically wearing a dress

anyway,

I can stand in for the bride,

but not the groom.

Sorry, are you saying that the groom

hasn't arrived either?

- Are you sure it was here?

- It must.

They wouldn't have fallen out

anywhere else.

- Got them!

- Oh, yes, well done!

Rog, get in the car!

Get in the car!

All right, all right.

I don't believe this. You can't park there

on a Saturday, mate!

We've gotta go. Gotta see her.

Congratulations. Well done!

- Oh, piss off.

- Hey!

- And you.

Come on!

Beautiful.

Okay.

Come on, nearly there.

Wait till you see the dress.

She looks absolutely--

- What room is she in?

- She's gone.

She's gone. She's... She's gone!

We need to put the ice sculptures

out now.

No, no, no, no. Let me tell you, Georgio.

Currently I have an ice flamingo.

In 2 hours it'll be a goose.

In 3 hours a duck. In 4 hours I will be

serving my guests vodka

- in a f*cking ice puffin.

- Okay, okay.

Thank you.

Oh, sh*t.

- Right here.

- No, it's left.

Right. They won't go on the motorway,

it'll be on the Old Chester Road.

Not clear. Repeat, not clear.

The Ambassador's not clear for zone 5.

The dog won't go in because

of the falcons.

Oh, dogs are in. The dogs are in,

the dogs have cleared the plane. Oh.

- What plane?

- Yeah, sniffer dogs. Sniffer dogs.

We're clear of the sniffer dogs.

We are ready to board.

- Hang on, is that a Bentley?

- Yeah, that is a Bentley.

- Overtake it. Overtake it!

- All right, sorry.

- Hi.

- Hi.

What are you doing?

Um, do you wanna marry me, Sas?

- Tim, it's our wedding day.

- Yeah, it's our wedding day.

It's the happiest day of our lives and,

we can absolutely say if we don't want it.

Do you want it?

I don't know. I think so.

Oh, Jenna. Jenna, I need...

Jen, um... okay, okay. Er...

It's just I think... between you and me,

we might have a bit of an emergency.

No, don't say that word. Ever.

Shh.

Please be seated, madam. Thank you.

Oxygen masks will fall.

Ambassador.

Saskia.

Are you okay?

I just think we need to talk.

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

When, I mean...

How...

I mean... Tim, why now?

I told him.

- What?

- What happened in the kebab shop.

Tim...

You b*stard.

- You stupid, dumb, idiot, b*stard.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Oh, God. Why did you do this?

- Because it was the right thing to do.

If you wanna marry Tim, be my guest.

Those are your bells, your cars,

half a mile from here a wedding with

your names written all the way through it.

But you...

you are the most decent, wittiest,

loveliest bloke,

a brother could ever ask for. And you are

the girl who got me through school.

If I'm really honest, life probably.

So, it's about time that the people

in those 2 cars manned up,

started being really honest

with each other and bail!

Because, for God's sake, if you don't,

the light in the 2 people

that I love the most...

goes out.

Um...

Yeah, I may have just told you I love you,

and I probably should have told you

that before you were stood here,

in the middle of a field, on the way

to marry my brother but um...

if it's any consolation, I literally only

just realised that myself. So there we are.

I love you.

Does this mean I don't have

to give a speech?

She's not coming, is she?

Well, there we go.

I rather feared sending her

to finishing school,

was like painting varnish

on a diseased toenail.

Welcome to my world, Alex.

Welcome to a lifetime of publicly

apologising for your daughter.

I think I'll leave you to work out what

you're going to say to everyone.

There's something I have to tell you

and it's not going to be...

Please remain in your seats until

the 'seat belt' signs are off, please.

Thank you.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today,

to join together in holy matrimony,

Saskia,

- and Tim.

- We're not.

Um, ladies and gentlemen,

hi.

Alex. Des.

You made me feel like part of a family,

at a time in my life when I most

needed one.

Thank you.

But...

that's no reason to marry

your daughter.

There's only one reason why a couple

should do that.

Fortunately, there's a couple here

who know why,

and, fortunately,

they're both very close to me.

Raif.

Pronounced like a dog throwing up.

Raif!

Are we...

Are you sure about this?

Well, it wouldn't be legal. You know,

we haven't had the banns read.

- We've got the audience here, so...

- There's gotta be a bit of it you can do.

Do you think maybe you could

improvise?

It would almost be like being...

an actor.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today,

to join in holy matrimony,

Saskia and Raif.

We got married.

I know, what the hell were we thinking?

But, honestly, it was the greatest day.

Not that the rest of the day went

without a hitch.

Saskia forgot that her bouquet

was largely made of metal.

Patricia put on a fur hat

and got attacked by a falcon.

I don't care whether it looks worse or not.

It's embarrassing.

f*cking ridic... I'm sorry, Vicar.

And somebody turned on the overhead

fan during the butterfly release.

But the best bit was

the father-of-the-bride speech.

Go on, Des.

It's all right. It's all right, love.

When I was my daughter's age

I ran away from home,

to the Isle of Man,

and there I met a Frenchman who

showed me a bit of tenderness,

bit of compassion.

Went on to show me several other things,

including his,

camp-site, his tent, his genitals.

But to that boy,

whoever he was,

and I've genuinely no idea,

and to my mother,

I owe everything.

Because that combination,

of coldness and warmth,

meant that I ended up with this.

You know, when a bride's late

for her wedding,

most normal women assume

it's an attack of nerves but,

I genuinely thought that history

had repeated itself,

that she might have done a runner

from me and found her Isle of Man,

and gone. And I wouldn't have blamed

her because,

I made that mistake we so often make.

I'd grown to be more like my parent,

when I should have grown more

like my child.

I expect you've spotted that,

Saskia didn't marry Tim.

She didn't even legally get married.

I don't actually know what happened but,

I don't care. I don't care.

I just want you to be happy.

And just come shopping

with me sometimes.

So, there we are, then. The end of

my wedding video.

Not what I thought I was making

when I started.

I mean, I did have a hunch

how it would end.

With the groom looking at the bride,

knowing that he is

the luckiest man on earth.

That shot.

Every day is a reminder

That's it,

cross-check and doors to manual.

Every day is a reminder

We ain't nothing but some

If you cough up your smoke

cos your habit's a joke

Da-da-da-da don't stop now

If you the day

So we sit down, we do an interview

and we draw up a character profile,

and then we match the flowers

direct to your personality.

- Anyone ever come back as a cactus?

- No.

Triffid?

- Yes, madam?

- Cauliflower?

About eight and a half inches.

Yeah.

I'm just kidding.

We're nothing but some matter

Every day

I now take you as Mrs Frodo Baggins.

Oh, bugger, wrong ring.

Thank you.

I need a lake. I need a lake and a pond.

Ready, Go!

Ow!

- Everything all right, gentlemen?

- Er, yes, thank you, lovely.

Your woman is your angel

Your left side

is your whole life

And easily, the most beautiful thing

in your world

I can't believe you wrote that just for me.

Every word.

Cut!