05x03 - Bugs and Rabid Dogs

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe Roman's
private Animal Control company

shut down Precinct 17.

I'm really gonna miss
their annual crab boil.

Same. Martha always
brought the best weed.

Roman took over 17
just to shut it down.

If he's going
in numerical order, we're...

Almost next.

Oh, don't sully your worldview.
That's my job.

[FRANK] And here's the purple
nightmare now.

[LAUGHING]

Start packing your personal items.

I don't think you're tall
enough to ride that ride.

Wanna hear the song of the summer?

- Not really.
- No!

Car... play my radio jingle.

[VOICE] Playing jingle.

[SINGING] If you want animals
in and out of your life,

- Wow.
- [SINGING] Call Pax Romana

from 9:00 to 5:00.

And after hours. Ahh!

- Awful!
- Pretty catchy.

[ROMAN LAUGHS]

I mean, at least the officers
seem to be taking it well.

[OFFICER YELLS]

[FRANK] Oh great!
They released the animals.

[VICTORIA] Truck 46! It's Noah's Ark!

♪ [VOCALIZING] ♪

Guess what I taught
myself this weekend?

You just gave a rabbit pinkeye meds,

and now you're fondling
community fruit.

Oh, come on, let him glow, Frank.

Ever since his family left town,
his battery's recharged.

He's like the second half

of one of those allergy
medicine commercials.

I'm in hell.

I've been here a while.
I'll show you around.

This little non-kosher nightmare
won't sleep in the kennel,

so I was babysitting it all night.

All right, pipe down. Pinkies up.

It's tea time.

Oh, that's a cool brooch.
What is that, a beaver?

Oh, this is, uh,
lapel insignia was given

to all the precinct supervisors
as a gift from our commandant.

It represents our state animal,
the Olympic Marmot.

Of course, you would know
nothing about the Olympics.

- Boom, direct hit.
- Yo!

Did you just cosign his burn?

Yes.

Because we are at w*r with Roman.

So, Templeton and I have
forged a coalition

of unpleasant necessity.

- [GASPS]
- [VICTORIA] What?

Believe me,
I'm doing this reluctantly.

But somehow, Roman is beating us

to every single call.

So we gotta get faster, sharper,

speed up our response time.

You almost lost your nose.

[DUDGE] Valid point, Officer Shaw.

[PEOPLE GASP]

Okay, would you all stop
gasping every time

Frank and I agree?

If it makes you feel better,

this is a marriage of convenience.

I still find him detestable.

But let's stay focused and talk tech.

I've invited the city's sharpest,

least offensive-smelling IT guy
to come upgrade our system,

so Pax Romana will no longer
have the upper hand.

Wait, it's not Alex, is it?

Every time I make eye contact
with him during his small talk,

he asks me out.

I... I can't keep pretending
that I have bone cancer.

Yeah. It's Alex.
And I need you, Frank,

in my office to discuss next steps.

[FRANK] You don't have
next steps, do you?

I do not.

Here's what we do.

We lock the doors, we order a pizza,

and we stay in all night
till we have a plan.

- I have a plan.
- Okay.

I still wanna order pizza
'cause I'm in the mood now.

Listen, Roman got a bunch
of hedge fund money, like...

WeWork 10 years ago
or Coca Cola in the 1890s.

He's been hiring people like crazy.

You're saying we need
to raise some money,

and you're thinking a bikini car wash.

Genius. Now all we have to do
is convince our female officers

to get soapy and naked.

Obviously I'd outsource the women.

I actually think we should
send in a plant

to interview at Roman's company.

Someone sharp and handsome,
who once punched a heavy bag

- so hard it split.
- Here we go...

Okay, I'll do it.

Dumbest idea ever.
He knows you hate him.

You know who'd be great
undercover? Daisy.

But she's on a mission today,
impersonating me

at a dentist appointment.

I have no follow-up questions.

[SIGHS] We need to find someone pure.

- Trustworthy.
- Yeah.

A total dork-a*s.

Total dork-a*s.

♪

Oh! Aloha, my friends.
Just jammin' on a puzzle here.

[BOTH] She's the one.

[SINGING] If you want animals
in and out of your life,

call Pax Romana from 9:00 to 5:00.

And after hours.

- Nice! Dude...
- Very nice.

I never heard your voice before.
You can really sing.

Well, you know, I was in
a band in middle school.

You know, I still got
my drums at the office.

I mean, if you ever wanted
to jam, we should... pfff.

I would love that.

Yeah? Me too.

You know, this loose dog call
is right by my apartment.

We could stop there,
pick up my guitar. Huh?

Not... that today is the day
to be messing around.

No, but, you know, we do have to break

for lunch at some point.

We do have to break for lunch.

Is this a thousand-piece
puzzle of Waikiki?

Please, Frank, I don't get outta bed

for anything under three K.

Okay, it's awesome.

I am having a little
trouble filling my days.

Lot of puzzles,
lot of chats with cashiers.

Well, your thrill ride continues.

We need you for
an Animal Control mission.

Um, yeah, I could
take a break anyways,

but I'm missing a piece
in this one section.

It's driving me crazy!

Oh, focus up!
Are you in or are you out?

In or out of what? I thought
I was banned from the precinct.

You're not going in the office.
This is an undercover mission.

Like when we took down
that exotic animal ring.

My mom just gave me her wedding dress

if you need that for the character.

- You'll be playing yourself.
- Oh, myself.

- As...
- You.

We need you to interview
at Pax Romana and find out

how Roman is scooping our calls.

He'll buy it,
'cause you're out for blood,

for getting suspended
for boinking Shred

on the office couch.

Hell hath no fury like a woman
temporarily suspended

from her city service job.

You in?

- Right there.
- [PIG SNORTS]

You think you're obsessed
with me, watch this sad sack.

[CLEARS THROAT] Hey.

I'll get to yours in a sec.

This guy's got a lot
of sesame seeds in his keyboard.

It's Victoria. [SMALL LAUGH]

Of course.

It's nice to see you.

Okay.

So, we applied for a job

at Pax Romana
under the name Tabitha Buttons.

But I go by Tabs,

a nickname given to me by my nephew.

No!

Again, the fake name
is just to get you in the door.

After that, you're Emily Price.

Disgraced older woman
looking for revenge.

Okay. Right. Uh, right, right, right.

It's just, um, yeah, lying as me

feels different than
disappearing into a persona.

But, um, maybe if I spell
Emily with two M's

on the sign-in sheet...

Why don't we practice? Um...

I'm Roman Park,
I wish to be a real boy.

Why would you turn your back

on your lowly Animal Control precinct?

Well, I wouldn't call us lowly

'cause, uh, have a wonderful
new event space...

- Ehhn! Wrong answer.
- Oh.

I understand you were suspended
for being a sexual predator.

True or very true?

Okay. Um, yeah. You know, uh...

maybe I should not do this.

You're not gonna be alone in there.

We're gonna hear the whole thing
through a wire.

She sweats, so we need
to double-bag the mic.

Wait, wait, wait. I'm wearing a wire?

No, no, no, I can't do this. I mean...

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Sue-Bell,
Sue-Bell could do this.

[BOSTON ACCENT] Or Boston Tony.
He's wicked smart.

But Emily Price? Uh, n-no.

I cannot, I cannot, I cannot.

She's deeply unwell, Frank.
What do we do?

I think it's pretty obvious.

Toby, has my 11:15 arrived yet?

And is she hot?

[FRANK] Oh, she's smokin' hot.

I'm Tabitha Buttons.

Grumpus.

It's hard for me to buy
that you want to work for me.

Workin' for the city...
wears on a man.

And since this regime change,

what little joy I had in
my life has been extinguished.

And I would like for you
to be my new little joy.

[ROMAN] I don't know, I mean,
Templeton can't be that bad.

[FRANK] He's the
worst boss I've ever had.

Forced weigh-ins,

extensive paperwork for every break.

Toby! Mint Milanos.

Now!

I hate the man.

If there was some sort of
worldwide loser competition,

he would lose it.

And on his way to accept
his consolation prize,

his pants would fall down.

That's how much
of a loser this guy is!

He's just saying stuff, Templeton.

I know. Shut up.

[FRANK] And I'm not just saying stuff.

The man is a flavorless wad of gum.

Okay, fine. I'll go out with you.

What?

You've asked me out,
like, several times.

So I just-I wanted to come
over here and make your day

and say... fine.

Sounds fun.

It's just, I'm so busy
right now with work.

Yep.

You got a little something
on your, uh, on your hair.

Oh.

It's slop.

- I'm sorry?
- It's slop.

I'm gonna...

I'm a realist.

Tech bro with a chip on his shoulder

from being bullied as a teen
always wins in the end.

Toby, you hear that?

He called me brilliant!
Frank, call me brilliant again.

You're brilliant.

That level of tush-kissing
is exactly what I'm looking for.

But for me to even think
about hiring you,

you need to pass my loyalty test.

Toby! My kit.

Five, six, seven, eight!

[ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC]

I'm over the pig.

I gotta find a farm
or something to take it.

We are in the middle of band practice.

Are we in a band?

Uh, yeah, I think so. I mean, if it...

If it feels right.

It feels really right, man.

Right? [WHEEZING LAUGH]

Wow, what a special moment.

Uh, I'm really happy for you dopes,

but I'm gonna need you
to watch the pig

so I can take a shower.

So I can feel like
a normal woman again.

- And, oh, take my scrunchie.
- I don't...

It calms it down 'cause it
smells like me, so just...

And don't let it eat it.

Actually, uh...
it's a pig, it'll be fine.

[FRANK] So, this loyalty test.

Look, I'll eat anything
you want, but...

I'll have thoughts
if there's a wine pairing.

I have something else in mind.

An extra large straight razor.

O-okay, maybe we should step in.
I mean, this is getting intense.

Stand down. It's in God's hands now.

Well, if you're truly committed
to Pax Romana,

you'll let me shave you.

- Okay, Frank loves that beard.
- Frank's gonna cave.

- He'll never go for that.
- We're about to be made.

Fine. Let's unveil the full face.

Just get ready for the lady stampede.

Oh, I don't want your beard, Frank.

What I'm about to smooth out
is a bit more tender.

[GASPS]

Your armpit.

Take your shirt off.

Okay.

This is, uh, freaky, even for you.

Nips out, Shaw.

Oh, unless, of course,
you're wearing a wire.

A wire?

[FRANK] Why would I be wearing a wire?

Grr!

And you said my wire
up the pants idea was stupid.

You may not believe this,
but this is the first time

I have shaved another man's armpit.

And I find it hard to believe
how, with no dispatch,

you always get to animal calls
before we do.

Oh, that?

I planted a bug in your truck,
so I hear all the calls.

[ROMAN] Toby! Screen.

[BEEP]

Yeah. See?

All right. Done.
You passed the loyalty test.

All right.

Welcome to the tech rev... oh... gosh.

Wi-Fi is spotty again.
Sorry. One second about that.

Toby!

I like Orphan Hog.
I'm not mad at Daylight Dingo.

Again, I really like The Mulberries.

But that's not very punk rock.

Yes, but are we punk rock?

I'm punk rock.

Really? 'Cause there's
nothing punk rock about...

Wow.

- Wow!
- [VICTORIA] Okay.

Slash and Axl, where's the pig?

Hmm?

- [VICTORIA] The pig?
- Um...

You're kidding.

He was...

I should've just
taken it in the shower!

Well, I haven't found a bug,

But I keep finding
these corn nuts in the seats.

- Those are lug nuts.
- No, I'm eating around those.

Okay, Roman's tech is next level,

so whatever device
he might've planted,

it might be so small
that we missed it.

Well, let's check again.
And not just by looking.

We need to finger every crevice.

I heard that.

[HORN HONKS]

Sup, bros? And bra.

Ha! Crazy camelid escaped
from a petting zoo

just two blocks away
from your precinct.

Good thing I was here

'cause it looks like you guys
have some car trouble.

[ROMAN LAUGHS]

Wait.

There was never a bug.

Except for the one in your pants!

It is a delight

watching you two halfwits
trying to work together.

[ROMAN] Oh, and kitten?

Yes?

Good luck finishing Waikiki
without this.

Uh... Is that my lifeguard head?

Did you... did you break
into my home, you maniac?

I can't hear you! I'm driving away!

If only you could chase me!

Tabitha Buttons will be posting
on Glassdoor about this!

[VICTORIA] Here, Piggy! Piggy!

Pig?

What was the pig's name again?

Uh, I didn't give it one

because it was supposed
to be gone by now.

Pig?

Ah! Oh, no.

[GRUNTS WITH EFFORT]

He's not here.

Just that dude. Hi.

[VICTORIA GRUNTS]

You just lifted a 500-pound
vending machine.

That was mom strength.

This pig has changed you,
like, on a molecular level.

What?! No, it has...

I'm an Animal Control officer, I...

I look for animals. It's what I do.

Oh, there you are! Look who
I found in the parking lot.

Oh, my God! Thank God! Give it!

- Okay! Okay, okay.
- Hey, hey! It's okay.

- It's okay. It's okay.
- [PIG SQUEALS]

Don't you ever do that again.
I was worried sick.

So, this whole thing

was just a h*m* smokescreen.

I mowed my armpit for nothing!

Going undercover was your idea.
I wanted to do a car wash.

You know what? I am done

with this whole coalition
of unpleasant necessity.

Fine! Leave me holding the bag.

Roman takes over Animal Control.

The precinct goes down on my watch.

That's my legacy.

Oh, my God, that's my...

That's my legacy.

Well, what about me?

I already got drummed out
of the real police.

What's the next stop
on this downbound train?

Campus cop? Mall security?

Mature modeling?

Sure, I got the jaw for it, but...

could I even pass for over 40?

All I ever wanted was to be a boss.

Lord my powers over others.

Lose that drab uniform.

Flex my office-casual looks.

[TEMPLETON CRIES]

[DISTANT SOBBING SOUNDS]

I... is someone crying?

Yeah. I think it's Templeton.

[TEMPLETON CRIES]

What the heck is going on in here?

Are you... are you guys crying?

Oh, no, he's crying.
I'm pretending not to listen.

Okay, hey, hey, hey. You need
to snap out of it. Okay?

You're the boss. You don't cry
in front of the other officers.

Okay, you go across the street,
you order a matcha,

and then you cry in
the ladies room like a big boy.

And then you come back in here,

confident you have all the answers,

'cause they need to know
that you got this.

I agree, this is disgusting.

And-and you, you're supposed
to be bucking him up.

I mean, this is the worst
alliance I've ever seen.

I mean, look at... hi. Look at them.

They are scared that
they're gonna lose their jobs.

They need to see you

being strong together, so just...

get it together!

Oh, my God, is that a new couch?

Yeah, yours is on the roof.

I figured it'd seen enough action.

♪

You wanna have a band meeting tonight?

I think we have to.
Things are getting weird.

I can't tonight because me
and Emily are going antiquing.

You're gonna pick
a girlfriend over the band?

Well, this band has existed
for about four hours,

so I'm not sure why you're
being so intense about this.

Well... you...

Four hours is a very long time

when you only have
seven weeks of freedom.

Also, it feels like
my buddy isn't there for me.

'Kay, buddy?

I wanna be there for you, I really do,

but if I'm being honest,

we shouldn't have a band.

It's not because I don't like you,

It's just that we sound
really, really bad, man.

You know, but by all means,
you should play with

some of your other friends.

I don't have any other friends.

That's why I took up juggling.

'Cause I don't have anybody
to play catch with.

God, that's a haunting image.

The house is empty, bro. I'm lonely.

Almost as if I didn't realize
how quiet the house would be

without four screaming kids.

All right, can I have
everyone's attention, please?

All right, I know things seem
a little bleak right now,

but we have something
that Roman does not.

We have the best damn officers
in Seattle!

Pax Romana is not indomitable.

Even the real Roman Empire fell.

Fell so far that Italian
accents are the only ones

we are still allowed to make fun of.

I gotta get the meatball
to the Colosseum!

Okay, you also...
you also might've heard

some stuff in there.

You were crying.

But rest assured, I got this.
We got this.

Frank hit it out of the park today.

He's my real MVP.

Thanks, Chief. The coalition
is stronger than ever.

So, as a gesture,

he gets to wear my leadership pin.

Till the end of the day.

Why is it so heavy?

What?

The bug.

- It's in the pin.
- What?

That's how Roman's been
listening to us. Think about it!

I need to destroy that pin!

Wait.

Not yet.

[EMILY ON RADIO]
Dispatch to all available trucks.

We have reports of a rabid dog
loose at 1515 Alonzo Boulevard.

Game time.

Right around the corner.

Please be advised
the animal is dangerous.

Proceed with caution.

Truck 12, on it.

[PATEL ON RADIO] Go get 'em, Frank.

This could make up for
all the calls we lost today.

[TIRES SCREECH]

All right, all right, all right.

Let's go in heavy, boys.

Fire up the mini birds.

Everyone on thermal vision.

[ROMAN BARKS]

Come on. Chop, chop!

We are here at
the Veterans Administration

Long Term Care, where residents
are recovering from the shock

of seeing their beloved
therapy dog, Schwarzkopf,

netted before their eyes.

Those eyes which have
already seen so much.

Roman Park, owner of a private
animal control company

responsible for the attack,
had this to say.

I feel terrible, Tracey.

I know we came with
a lot of firepower,

and that smoke grenade in
the rec room was all my fault.

And that triggered some flashbacks.

And for that...

I apologize.

[TRACEY] Luckily,
Seattle Animal Control

was quickly on the scene with
trained behavior specialists.

It's okay, you're safe now.

I mean, as safe as you can be in this

ever-collapsing civilization.

Thank you for your service.

[TRACEY] The human touch.
Sometimes that's all it takes.

I'm Tracey Palladino, back to you.

We did it.

No, Frank...

We did it.

We really pulled it off.

[EXHALES]

Is he gonna cry again?

[DUDGE] No, he's not.

Where's Emily?
She should be here for this.

Hey.

Hey. You weren't kidding
about my couch.

What is that smell?

Oh, the janitors
have their cigar night up here.

You missed the news.

Palladino really took it
to Roman. It was awesome!

Yeah, I wanted to let
you guys have your moment.

Uh, okay. I'm gonna go.

Oh, maybe don't. Maybe don't.

What do you mean?

Well, I was thinking of lifting
your temporary ban,

having you come back to the office.

In what role exactly?

Well, not in a position
of authority, obviously.

And I can't have you around
unaccompanied men.

Okay, it feels like you're
trying to ask me for a favor,

so maybe just make it
sound a little nicer.

Okay, I don't know what role yet.

We'll figure it out.

But I need you here.

Well, I can't do another puzzle.

Mostly 'cause I think
I've done them all.

Yeah! Yeah, I'll come back.

But I'd like my couch
steam-cleaned and then saged,

and then steam-cleaned again.

Deal, but you gotta
bring it downstairs.

- Okay.
- 'Kay.

[DUDGE] 'Cause I'm not doing that.

Okay.

'Kay.

Hey. Got your computer talking
to the printer again, so...

you should be all good.

Well, I don't need to print
the flyers anymore,

because the band...

split up.

Hey, I've been there, man.
It's the worst.

- You play?
- Bass.

Wow.

Let me tell you something.
You didn't just lose a band.

You lost a dream.

- Yeah.
- Let's go grab a beer.

Unpack it. What do you say?

That'd be amazing.

Do you like to play catch?

- Well...
- Actually...

let's save the questions
for the brewskies.

Broski.

Would you look at that?

Alex asked Patel out and
I'm stuck here with a bottle.

I've officially swapped lives
with my partner.

It makes you feel better,
I actually put Alex up to it.

Patel's been kinda lonely lately.

I should probably
give you a name, huh?

You want a name?

Yeah? What about...

What about Piggy Stardust?

- Do you like that name?
- Mmm. Yeah.

I'm still gonna eat
pork sometimes, okay?

But I love you. I love you.

[PIG SNORTS]