Got another one coming down, Mike.
Hang on a sec.
I got those concert tickets you wanted.
Oh, you're kidding.
For Friday night?
Stanley, this is great.
Oh, yeah.
So what time should I pick you up?
Well, see, here's the thing,
my very best girlfriend
just came into town
and I know she would die to go to this.
So could we maybe get
an extra ticket for her?
Ooh.
They're out.
They're sold out.
That means there's no more.
Oh, well, I just can't
let her sit home all alone.
Look, I'll tell you what,
why don't you just go with your friend?
Stanley, I couldn't do that.
No, come on.
- Stanley, you are the nicest guy.
- Aah.
- Really, you are.
- Yeah?
Charlie, isn't Stanley the nicest guy?
The best.
Oh, that was the most
sickening display I've ever seen.
I disagree. I think
I'm wearing her down.
Buddy, you know what you need?
You need a little change of pace.
Tonight, I'm gonna take
you on a love safari,
deep into the darkest
heart of the urban jungle.
Tell me more, bwana.
The Coco Bongo Club...
hottest new joint in town.
Only the cr?me de la cr?me need apply.
- So how do we get in?
- What, are you kidding?
- Leave it to me. Trust me, buddy...
- Yeah.
... this is going to be the
perfect night on the town.
I don't have my umbrella!
Hurry!
Hold the phone...
k*ller at 3:00.
Stand back and observe.
Excuse me, where can
I open a new account?
New accounts, right here.
You know, you're lucky you caught me,
I was just on my way out to a great...
Could you hold this for me, please?
I will hold anything you want.
Thank you.
Can you help me?
So...
what kind of account
do you have in mind?
I'm not sure exactly.
You see, I'm just terrible
with things like that.
That's an interesting tie, Mister...?
Ipkiss, Stanley Ipkiss.
Tina Carlyle. Pleased to meet you.
- The pleasure's all mine.
- May I?
- May you what?
- I'm such a mess.
- Oh, of course.
- Thanks.
That's what they're there for.
As I was saying about that tie,
it kinda reminds me of one of those...
what do you call it? Inkblot tests.
- A Rorschach test.
- Right.
You know, it sort of looks like,
hmm...
a young woman riding bareback,
sort of a...
Lady Godiva or something.
Of course.
What do you see, Mr. Ipkiss?
Hmm...
I... I don't know.
Uh... it... bright colors.
It's... it's a power tie.
It's supposed to make
you feel... powerful.
Does it work?
Now, hmm...
how... how about that account, huh?
Huh, we have several different plans...
savings...
checking,
savings and checking,
CDs, savings and CDs,
checking and CDs,
savings, checking and CDs, T-bills.
Or we could just take all your money and
throw it in a big mattress back there.
Now, I have some forms
you'll have to fill out.
That's it, sweetheart.
Now just a little bit to
the right... beautiful.
Hey, will you guys keep
it down back there?!
No problem.
So what do you think?
Layout's not bad,
but them motion detectors
are a pain in the a*s.
- But you can pull this off, right?
- Hey, you talking to the doctor.
I do have one question.
Which is?
What does Niko have
to say about all this?
Nothing.
This ain't his grift, man.
Get real, man.
Everything is his grift.
He owns you, he owns this club,
he owns this whole stinking town.
Things change.
You mess with Niko,
you end up taking a dirt nap.
He's the only one who's napping.
And I'm about to give him
a serious wake-up call.
But we need some cash,
so first we take the bank,
then we take Niko,
and then, my friend, school is out...
and this whole city is our playground.
Hey, bub, watch where you're going!
Hello?
Hello?
Hang on! Hang on!
Don't get your panties
in a twist, would ya?
Hey, Burt, what the hell is this?
Oh, I don't know.
Uh, about 700 bucks, Irv.
Now, what can I do for you, bub?
I'm here for the Civic.
The brake drums are shot,
and you need a new transmission.
What?
All I wanted was an oil change.
Well, you're lucky you
caught these problems now
before they cause you
some serious trouble.
Sign right here and press down hard.
- There's no price.
- There will be.
I don't have a car.
I have to have a car tonight.
- Irv!
- Yo!
- Bring around the loaner.
- The loaner?
The loaner?
- Eww!
- Nice.
It's a classic.
Hi. Charlie.
Stanley.
Gals, I want you to meet
my buddy Stanley Ipkiss,
humongo in the banking business.
Not really.
Hey, what do you say we
get in this joint, huh?
Yo, Bobby! How you doing, buddy?
It's Charlie.
- Hey, Charlie, how ya doing?
- How are ya?
- How ya doing, my friend?
- Long time no see.
- Come on in.
- Hey, good to see you. Okay then.
Come on, gals, let's get going.
See you on the inside.
Ooh.
Bobby?
Uh, Charlie. Charlie!
Charlie!
It's a mistake.
- Hey, hey.
- Whoa!
You crossed the rope.
Never cross the rope.
No, but my friends are on the inside...
- Lose him.
- C'mon now, guys. Now this isn't fair.
Hey, watch it, I'm a bleeder!
You put me down right now,
or I am never coming back here.
Thanks.
Aw, jeez.
- Mr. Ipkiss, hi.
- Hi.
Are you okay?
Me? Oh...
I'm great. Really good.
I just...
I never felt better, really.
I... I'm just...
catching some air out here.
Your car, sir.
That's not my car.
But it matches the ticket.
All right.
I'll take it.
But I am very angry!
You believe this?
You drive in, in a Porsche...
Oh gee!
Ow!
Oh, God!
Hey, mister!
Hold on!
I know CPR.
Hey, you!
What are you doing down there?
Huh...
I'm just looking for...
my mask!
I got it!
Ipkiss! Do you have any
idea what time it is?
Actually, no.
My new carpet!
Well, this is coming right out
of your security deposit, Ipkiss.
- You know, Mrs. Peenman...
- What?!
- Nothing.
- Well, that's what you are, Ipkiss...
a big nothing!
Aren't you due back at the laboratory
to get your bolts tightened?
I should've said that.
Hey you, Milo,
you know you're not supposed to jump up.
It's against doggie ordinance.
Okay.
What?
You want me to throw that?
I'm very tired.
Okay, I'll throw it one time.
I ain't gonna throw it
with you attached to it.
You ready?
Get it!
Ipkiss, turn down those cartoons!
All right, Mrs. Peenman!
So, Dr. Neuman, you're saying
that everybody wears a mask?
That's correct, Wendy.
We all wear masks,
metaphorically speaking.
We suppress the id, our darkest desires,
and adopt a more
socially acceptable image.
Well, the book is of course,
"The Masks We Wear,"
by Dr. Arthur Neuman.
Thank you so much for
being with us today.
What's the matter with you?
What is it?
What are you looking for, huh?
You like this thing?
You like it?
"The Masks We Wear."
"That's correct, Wendy.
We all wear masks,
metaphorically speaking."
Yeah, right.
Sss... smokin'!
It's party time.
P-a-r-t... y?
Because I gotta!
Snoo... ze.
Look, ma, I'm roadkill!
Hey! Get out of the road!
I think he wants to communicate.
Hey, mister!
You got the time?
As a matter of fact, I do, cubby.
- You wanna take him?
- I got him.
Look at that!
It's exactly two seconds before,
I honk your nose
and pull your underwear over your head.
Come on!
- Come on, he's dead.
- k*ll him!
Come on, take him!
Step right up here,
don't be shy!
Nobody likes a bashful leatherhead!
Move it!
For my first trick,
I'm going to do something for you, son.
We have a giraffe!
There ya go, son. Now get
outta here. You bother me.
- Thanks.
- Wow!
Now...
Sorry, wrong pocket.
For you, son...
a little body English
a French poodle.
Sorry, son, the dog was
rabid. Had to put it down.
And last but not least,
my favorite!
A Tommy g*n!
Run!
This is incredible.
With these powers,
I could be...
a superhero!
I could fight crime,
protect the innocent,
work for world peace!
But first...
Hold on to your lug nuts,
it's time for an overhaul!
It was a dream.
It was a dream.
I gotta lay off the cartoons.
Ipkiss? Stanley Ipkiss?
Yes.
Lieutenant Kellaway, City Precinct.
Do you know anything about
the disturbance last night?
Disturbance?
Yeah, some kind of prowler broke
in and attacked Mrs. Peenman.
Attacked?
You didn't hear anything?
She unloaded a couple of
rounds of 20-ought buckshot
five feet from your door.
Look at the floor! See that?
He put that right in my floor,
then he jumped out the window, officer!
- Jumped right out the window?
- Are you writing notes?
This is... impossible.
Those pajamas are impossible.
This actually happened.
Uh, see, I have, uh...
an inner ear problem.
- Sometimes I can't hear anything.
- That a fact?
Eh?
Here's my card.
If you remember anything
unusual about last night...
anything at all... call me.
You betcha. Thank you.
And, good luck, huh...
crackin' the case.
Oh my God, I'm late!
Keys. Keys.
Where's the keys?
Damn.
Milo! Get the keys.
Get 'em. Find 'em.
Get the keys!
Ow! Jeez.
I am so late.
Good boy. Good boy!
Come on, boy.
Give them to me. Drop it!
Easy! Watch that bump!
I want a proctologist standing by.
What?
You heard me...
the best one you can find.
I'm with "The Evening Star."
Can you tell me what happened here?
No and you can quote me.
Well, it looks like
some sort of mob tactic.
There it is, boys.
She broke the case.
Come on, get these
rubbernecks out of here.
- Let's go.
- Wait, there's no... there's no...
- Officer, please...
- Can you tell us, sir, please?
Hey, Stan. Stan, Stan!
Where were you last night?
The girls and I were
looking all over for you.
Did you happen to look outside...
in the gutter?
Hey, did you check the morning paper?
Your girlfriend got a great review.
Ipkiss, you're 40 minutes late.
Now that's the same as stealing.
I'm sorry, Mr. Dickey.
It'll never happen again.
I've been a jerk.
Well, if you weren't busy
ogling girlie pictures,
you might actually get
some work done around here.
Uh, sir,
she's a prospective client of Stanley's.
Oh, really?
Well...
the next time she comes in,
you be sure to send her to my office.
Oh, you betcha.
Gee, I wish my daddy owned a bank.
Then I could be a
rich little creep, too.
You think she'll ever
come back, Charlie?
Oh, man, forget her.
Stanley, listen to me,
a girl like that is always
looking for the BBD...
the bigger better deal.
You don't know that, Charlie.
She's an artist.
She's... she's sensitive.
Stanley, forget her.
That girl will tear out your heart,
put it in a blender, and hit "frapp?."
You don't need her, man.
You need somebody a
little more down to earth,
somebody with some
integrity, somebody with...
red hair and full pouting lips,
a white blouse, a green
jacket and a name tag.
Boy, you really narrowed it down.
Too bad she's already taken.
Hello there. May I
be of some assistance?
Stanley Ipkiss?
Oh, hi.
I'm Peggy Brandt from "The Tribune."
Oh, hi.
Look, I canceled my subscription because
they kept stealing my paper from...
Oh, no, no. Actually, I just
want to ask you a few questions.
Really? About what?
Ripley Auto Finishing. You're a
customer of theirs, aren't you?
Me? No.
I don't even have a car.
You know, 'cause they pollute.
You don't own an '89 Civic?
Oh, that car, yeah. Hmm.
Uh, yeah.
It's all coming back to me.
Miss... what'd you say your name was?
Peggy Brandt.
Wait a minute... Peggy Brandt?
Of "Ask Peggy"?
Yeah, that's right.
You printed one of my letters last year.
Remember?
"Nice guys finish last."
- You're Mr. Nice Guy?
- Yes!
Oh, Stanley,
do you realize how much mail
we got about that letter?
I mean, there are literally
hundreds of women out there
looking for a guy just like you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Do you know how hard it is to
find a decent man in this town?
Most of them think monogamy
is some kind of wood.
So, why are you covering this story?
Because "Dear Peggy" pays d*ck.
- Oh.
- I'm starving to death.
I'm looking to become a real reporter.
Look, Stanley, when
you were at Ripley Auto,
did you see anything suspicious?
Anything at all?
I won't make trouble for you.
I just want the truth.
God, I wish I knew the truth, you know?
I really do.
No.
Well, if you think of anything,
this is my number.
This is my... you know,
personal number.
You really think hundreds of women
are looking for a guy like me?
Sure.
I'm one of 'em.
I mean...
Bye.
120 yards.
Hello, Dorian.
Thanks for dropping by.
Yeah, well, next time why
don't you call, all right?
Leave the delivery boys at home.
What the...
The cops, uh...
tried to shut the
club down this morning.
They say you've been using the place
to run your own small-time scams.
I hear things like that,
I start losing my concentration.
And my game,
it goes straight to hell.
You could too.
205 yards.
I'm fed up with you, Dorian,
but I'm going to cut you a break...
one week to get out of town.
After that...
I'll use your empty little skull
to break in my new nine-iron.
Mr. Ipkiss. Hi.
Hi.
You okay?
Your car, sir.
I am now.
Tina, come on.
We can't.
Milo! Oh, come on.
I don't believe it.
Stupid.
She would never...
No way.
Hold on, sugar,
Daddy's got a sweet tooth tonight!
Somebody stop me!
Can't make the scene if
you don't have the green.
I better make a little stop.
How's it going, Freeze?
It's lookin' good here, my man.
Okay, you boys are on your own now.
I got to get downstairs
and make sure I'm seen.
Do it.
The doctor is about to operate.
Sorry, fellas. Waste not, want not.
Cops!
I have a reservation. Come on, dude.
If you're not on the list,
you're not in the club, all right?
Wow!
How do?
- Wow!
- Wow... oh!
Huh, are you on the list?
Nooo, but I believe my friends are.
Perhaps you know them...
Franklin, Grant and Jackson.
Okay, that's it, nobody's getting in!
And now we present to you
the most beautiful
flower of the Coco Bongo,
Miss Tina Carlyle.
Beautiful.
Love makes me treat you
The way that I do
Gee, baby
Ain't I good to you?
There's nothing too good
For a boy that's so true
Gee, baby
Ain't I good to you?
I bought you a fur
coat for Christmas
A diamond ring
A Cadillac car and everything
Love makes me treat you
The way that I do
Gee, baby, ain't I good to you?
Love makes me treat you
The way that I do
Gee, baby
Ain't I good to you?
There's nothin' too good
For a man so true
Gee, honey
Ain't I good to you?
I know how to make
a good man happy
I treat you right
With lotsa love and just a...
What the hell are you doing here?
We got trouble.
You'd better come upstairs.
- Love makes me treat you the way that I do
- Come on, let's go.
Gee, baby, ain't I good to you?
They got me paying taxes
For what I gave to you
Gee, baby, ain't I good to you?
Let's rock this joint!
Sss... smokin'!
Aw, man, what happened?
Somebody hit the joint before we could.
Here, Doc.
Here you go, buddy.
Suck on that.
Son of a b*tch!
Eddie, who did this, man?
Who?
Him.
Him! That's...
that's the guy.
That guy dancing with Tina?
He's dead meat.
Come on.
I want this place cleared right now!
Hello.
Club's closed. Move it!
You think I'm joking?!
Come on! Move it!
Party's over!
Everyone, let's go!
Tina, get out of here.
Come on, now.
Party's over.
- Get lost!
- Let's go.
Okay, twinkle toes,
I want to know where my money is,
and I want to know right now!
Okay.
You've got 17.5% in T-bills
amortized over the fiscal year,
8% in stocks and bonds.
Carry the nine, divide by
the gross national product.
Fortunately, funeral
bouquets are deductible.
Ice this deadbeat!
sh**t him!
Toro!
Thank you very much.
Ya got me, partner.
Hold me close, Red.
I... it's gettin' dark.
Tell Aunty Em to let Old Yeller out.
Tell Tiny Tim I won't be
coming home this Christmas.
Tell Scarlet I do give a damn.
Pardon me.
Thank you!
You love me.
You really love me!
You're not goin' anywhere.
Drop it, Tyrell!
Hey, Kellaway.
Drop it!
All right.
So you got a warrant this time,
or you just stop by for a nightcap?
What I got is probable cause.
Couple of your boys were spotted
knocking over Edge City Bank.
Easy, junior, you're
giving me a woody here.
And one of 'em was
wearing a big green mask.
You know, for once,
Kellaway, you're right.
Except it wasn't one of my boys.
Maybe if you tried a
little actual police work...
- Cuff him.
- Hey, Lieutenant,
we got a stiff upstairs.
It's one of the guys from the heist.
Better call that high-priced
lawyer of yours, Tyrell.
You and I are going
downtown for a little chat.
Get him outta here!
Ipkiss.
Ipkiss, I know you're in there.
Police!
Oh my...
- Open up.
- Oh my God!
Ipkiss, I know you're in there!
Open up!
Come on, I'm getting
blisters on my fingers.
Hey, Milo, no, no!
No, no, no.
No! No, no!
Stop it!
I'm coming!
Okay, I'm coming!
I'll be right there.
Let's go, Ipkiss!
Move it!
All right!
Hi, lieutenant.
Listen, this isn't the
best time right now...
I just...
won't you come in?
Where were you last night, Ipkiss?
Here mostly.
Is something wrong?
What do you know about
this "Mask" character?
Mask?!
Don't insult my intelligence, Ipkiss.
He robs the bank you work in,
and then I find this in the Coco Bongo.
There can't be two idiots
with pajamas like these.
Milo, no!
May I see those pajamas, Mr. Ipkiss?
Those pajamas?
Those... those huh...
those pajamas were...
stolen.
Somebody stole your pajamas?
Yeah.
I mean, huh, what is, huh...
what is this city coming to,
when, when huh...
when a man's pajama drawer
is no longer safe?
Wow, look at that guy.
Nobody's that fast at my bank.
I'll say.
I don't know, boss, that's
one hell of a rubber mask.
What do the lab reports say?
Well, we got some fingerprints
on some of the currency,
but nothing matches Tyrell's men.
Looks like this guy
beat 'em to the punch.
Get the bank employee files
and run down the prints on a
guy named Ipkiss, Stanley Ipkiss.
- You figure it was an inside job, huh?
- That's right,
and all I need is a couple of prints
to lock this whack job up till doomsday.
50 grand.
50 grand to the man who finds
that green-faced son of a
b*tch before the cops do.
I want you to get the word out
to every street hustler,
to every lowlife in this town.
You understand?
I want him here tomorrow, alive.
You're still here?
Come on, let's go!
What are you lookin' at?
You.
You're losing it, Dorian.
Oh, no, I'm not losing anything...
except maybe some extra
baggage around here.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know, you weren't
putting up much of a fight
with that freak show last night,
when he tried to kiss you.
Did it look like,
I had much of a choice?
Maybe you did...
maybe you didn't.
Who knows, right?
I'll tell you one thing,
it's going to be payback
for anybody who crosses me.
Ipkiss!
We have a crisis on our hands here,
and you stroll in over an hour late?
If I have to put up with
your slovenly behavior...
Back off, monkey boy,
before I tell your daddy
you're running this place
like it's your own personal piggy bank.
Or maybe we should call the IRS,
and see if we can arrange a little
vacation for you at Club Fed!
That'll be all, Ipkiss.
Genius. That was genius.
Buddy, I have chills.
God! What side of whose
bed did you wake up on, man?
I'm not sure.
I haven't exactly been myself lately.
Well, you don't look
real fabulous, Stan.
Really? Do I look bad?
Aw, not to worry.
This will put the color back
in your cheeks, my friend.
Two tickets to the charity ball
at the Coco Bongo Club
this Saturday night.
Anybody who's anybody will be there.
Want to be my date?
I don't know, Charlie, I...
Wait just a minute.
Tina, what are you doing here?
I just wanted to thank you,
but, hmm...
I'm not sure if I'm gonna have much
to open an account with anymore.
What about the club?
I thought you were doing great.
Look, it's not your problem.
I'll be okay.
Tina, come here.
You didn't stop by
just to see me, did you?
It's okay, tell me.
- The guy they say robbed this place...
- The Mask?
I think he was at the club last night.
Really? They say he's pretty...
weird looking.
Yeah, but...
you ought to see him dance.
So did anyone find out who he is?
Why, are you interested?
Just curious, I guess.
Well, I better be going.
Thanks for everything, Stanley.
You'd like to see him again,
wouldn't you?
I hmm...
wouldn't mind.
I know him, you know?
You do?
We're old college buddies,
him and me.
Yeah,
it's funny you should
mention the way he dances
because...
I taught him a couple
of dance moves myself.
Do you think you could
have him meet me tonight?
I might be able to work something out.
How about at Landfill Park?
Okay. Sunset?
- Perfect.
- Super.
Thanks, Stanley.
You really are a nice guy.
This is an interesting
piece, Mr. Ipkiss.
Looks like fourth or
fifth century Scandinavian,
possibly a representation of
one of the Norse night gods...
maybe Loki.
Loki?
Who's Loki?
The Norse god of mischief.
Supposedly he caused so much trouble,
that Odin banished him
from Valhalla forever.
Then he could've banished
him into that mask.
I'm talking about mythology, Mr. Ipkiss.
This is a piece of wood.
But your book!
My book is about masks
as metaphor, Mr. Ipkiss.
A metaphor... not to be taken literally.
You're suffering from mild delusion.
All right.
I'm going to prove it to you.
But I am not responsible
for the consequences.
Just sit back and enjoy
the ride, Mr. Expert.
You don't scare me, Mr. Ipkiss.
Go right ahead.
See ya.
Okay! You said Loki was a night god.
Maybe it only works at night.
Mr. Ipkiss, I feel I should warn you,
that I don't work personally
with really sick people.
There are private institutions
for things like that.
However, if you would like me to arrange
for a safe environment for
you tonight, I can do that.
No.
I've got to see Tina.
But what do I do?
I mean,
do I go as myself
or The Mask?
If I tell you, you promise
to leave my office right now?
All right.
Mr. Ipkiss,
go as yourself and as The Mask,
because they are both one
and the same beautiful person.
Got the cross-check on
the fingerprints for you.
- It's Ipkiss, all right.
- I'm looking at him.
Just keep the SWAT team standing by.
If this guy's half as bad
as he's supposed to be,
we're gonna have a full dance card.
- Do you have the pickle relish?
- Doyle, get in the car.
- But I ordered onion rings.
- Doyle!
No, no.
Stanley, what are you doing here?
Tina, hi.
Uh, I... I just wanted to come by
and make sure that you two
got together all right.
Hmm, that's nice.
You know, I hardly ever stop by here.
It's kind of hard to believe
it was just a garbage heap.
Yeah, it's huh...
it's huh... it's...
really beautiful right around sunset.
The methane emissions
really pick up the colors.
Wow...
all those pinks and greens.
My friend'll be along here
any minute... I better go.
Stanley, wait. Stanley?
Stanley!
Hello, ch?rie,
we meet again.
Is it fate?
Is it meant to be?
Is it written in the stars,
that we are destined to fraternize?
I'd like to think so!
Kiss me, my dear,
and I will reveal my croissant.
I will spread your p?t?.
I will dip my ladle in your vichyssoise!
She is so coy.
I love it!
Our love is like a red, red rose,
and I am a little thorny.
Je t'adore. Je t'adore.
Je te window, I don't care!
This is Kellaway.
I need backup, and I need it now.
Cigarette? No?
Now, like Napoleon,
I will divide and conquer.
Ipkiss, police!
Merde!
Freeze!
Put your hands up.
But you told me to freeze.
All right, all right, unfreeze.
You're under arrest.
No, it wasn't me.
It was the one-armed man.
All right, I confess.
I did it, ya hear? And I'm glad...
glad, I tell ya!
What are they gonna do to me, Sarge?
What are they gonna do?!
Sorry, son, that's not my department.
Search him.
Ow! Where's a camcorder
when you need one?
Well, looks like it's
gonna be a long night.
- My wife's gonna k*ll me.
- What is it, Murray?
Cops got your pal Ipkiss
staked out at Landfill Park.
Let me cover it, Murray.
I really need this story.
And then... then you
can go home to Claire.
Oh, I don't know, Peggy.
Ramsey said...
I will take care of Ramsey.
Thanks a million.
I owe you one.
Really big sunglasses.
Bike horn.
- Small-mouth bass.
- Wow!
Bowling pin.
Mousetrap.
Rubber chicken.
Little to the left.
That's it.
- I don't know.
- Funny eyeball glasses.
I've never seen those before in my life.
Bazooka.
I have a permit for that.
- Picture of Kellaway's wife.
- What?
- Uh-oh.
- Margaret! You son of a b*tch!
Jeez, I figured you
had a sense of humor.
After all, you married her!
That's got to hurt.
Get him!
Doyle?!
It's all over, Ipkiss!
Put your hands over your
head, or we'll open fire.
Hit it.
They call me Cuban Pete
I'm the king of the rumba beat
When I play the maracas
I go chick-chicky-boom,
chick-chicky-boom
Yes, sir, I'm Cuban Pete
I'm the crazy man in the street
When I start to
dance, everything goes
Chick-chicky-boom,
chick-chicky-boom
The se?oritas, they singin'
And they swing with their lumbero
It's very nice
So full of spice
And when they dance and
they bring a happy ring
Without a care-o
Singin' a song
All the day long...
So...
If you like the beat
Take a lesson from Cuban Pete
And I'll teach you
to chick-chicky-boom
Chick-chicky-boom,
chick-chicky-boom
He's a really modest guy
Although he's the hottest guy
In Havana
Si, se?orita, I know
That you would like
a chicky-boom, chick
It's very nice
So full of spice
I place my hand on your hip
And if you will just
give me your hand
Then we shall try, just you and I
- Aye aye aye!
- Ol?!
- If you like the beat...
- He's not bad.
- Shut up and help me down.
- All right.
And I'll teach you
to chick-chicky-boom
Chick-chicky-boom,
chick-chicky-boom.
What's the matter
with daddy today?
You start dancing,
I'll blow your brains out.
Give me that thing!
Shake your booty,
Daddy, wow! See ya.
There he is! Let's get him!
Snap out of it!
Come on, this dance is over!
Let's go.
Follow me, Officer!
He's down the alley!
Follow me!
Come on, grab your g*n!
Stanley!
Stanley, get in!
There he is!
Halt or I'll sh**t!
sh**t! sh**t!
Seat belts.
I missed him.
Come on!
We all missed him.
I saw it.
I saw everything.
What's happening to you, Stanley?
It's crazy.
I'm losing control.
When I put that mask on,
I can do anything,
be anything.
But it's wrecking my life.
My life is wrecked.
Wrecked.
Wrecked!
Look, I don't know what's
happening to you, Stanley...
but I do know this.
That letter that you sent my column?
That was from a guy with more guts...
and more heart,
than any of the creeps
that I've met in this city.
Whatever that mask is,
you don't need it.
You,
Stanley Ipkiss,
are already all you'll ever need to be.
Gosh, Peg...
do you really mean that?
Actually...
- no.
- What?
What took you guys so long?
I've been vamping here for 20 minutes.
- Is this him?
- You got the 50 thou?
Give her the money.
Right.
When he puts on the mask,
he turns into that green thingamajig.
Peggy.
What are you doing?
Sorry, Stanley.
You really are a great guy,
I just can't lose my condo.
You know how hard it is to
find an apartment in this city.
You said you wouldn't hurt him.
I lied.
Stanley!
What? Hey. Hey!
Tell me, how does this mask work?
I don't know.
You just...
put it on.
Boss,
you'd better be careful, huh?
What a rush!
Wow, boss. You okay?
Better than ever, you idiot.
What do we do with Ipkiss?
The police are looking for The Mask.
So we'll give them The Mask.
Money better be here, Ipkiss,
or you can Ipkiss your a*s goodbye.
Hey, Orlando.
Get over.
I still can't believe it.
Hardened cops dancing in the street,
and broadcast all over the 11:00 news.
The SWAT team got an
offer to open in Vegas.
I'm history. The captain's gonna
have my badge for breakfast,
with a little pension on top.
Aw, come on, Lieutenant,
it's not all your fault.
Something will turn up.
Sure, Stanley Ipkiss is
gonna fall right into my lap.
- God, get him off! Get him off!
- Come on.
Ipkiss!
Wait!
I can explain everything.
Oh yeah?
You can explain everything?
Explain this.
- Hmm...
- Get him up!
Come on, let's go.
I got a cell for you, pal.
Milo.
You better forget about me, buddy.
Find yourself a new place to live.
Looks like I'm going to be
in here for a long, long time.
Hey you, with the face...
you got a visitor.
Tina.
Hello, Stanley.
- What are you doing here?
- Is it true?
You're The Mask.
Yeah, but don't tell anybody.
If I get a good lawyer
and strike up a deal,
I can be out of here
in about 10.000 years.
You're taking a chance coming here.
Your boyfriend might be a little upset.
He's going to the charity ball tonight.
He's gonna do something terrible.
Like what?
The lambada?
Stanley, this is serious.
There's got to be a way to stop him.
How does it work?
I don't know.
It... it's like, huh...
it's like it... it brings
your innermost desires to life.
If deep down inside, you're...
a little repressed and
a hopeless romantic,
you become some sort of
a love-crazy wild man.
And if you're somebody like Dorian?
Then we're all in big trouble.
And if I were you,
I'd get out of town fast.
Thanks.
For what?
Lots of things.
For sharing a sunset with me.
For being the only guy who
treated me like a person,
and not some sort of party favor.
For being any kind of romantic...
even a hopeless one.
You're welcome.
You know that night at the club?
I knew I'd found someone special.
- The Mask.
- No.
It was the guy inside the mask.
It was you all along.
You,
Stanley...
Ip... kiss.
Okay, lady, time's up!
Could I have just one more minute?
I've got to disappear
for a while now, Stanley.
I don't know where I'm gonna go,
but I'll let you know as soon as I can.
Somebody help me!
Oh, no. No!
Guard! Guard!
Guard! There's a woman being
chased through the alleyway there.
Come on, she needs help.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Keep it down, Ipkiss.
Come on!
Serve and protect, man!
Milo.
Milo?
Milo, good boy.
Come on, come on.
Jump up. Come on.
Can you jump up?
Remember how I taught you
not to jump up on people?
Forget all that.
Okay, come on.
Come on!
Get up here!
Get up here!
Get up, get up here.
That's it.
You can do it.
Come on.
Come on!
Come on.
Come on.
Milo, put some effort into it!
Baby, there you are.
I was beginning to get
all worried about you.
Have a nice little talk with the cops?
I just went to see
what Ipkiss told them.
Oh, that's right,
you and Stanley, right?
You two are getting awfully close.
Maybe it was you who helped
him out with the bank job, huh?
- That's ridiculous.
- Oh, is it?
Look what I found in her car.
You planning a little
trip without me, baby?
- No, Dorian.
- No?
Boys, I want you to...
pick her out something
pretty to wear, okay?
'Cause we're gonna
go to a party tonight,
and we're gonna have one
hell of a time, aren't we?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Get out of my sight.
Jump up.
Get up. Come on.
Come on, Milo,
Jump, please.
Do it for Daddy.
That's it!
Oh! Come here.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe you did that.
Oh, good boy.
Good boy.
Good boy. Okay...
see that man over there?
He's got keys.
Yeah.
Go get those keys.
Go get 'em.
Go get the keys.
Go get 'em.
That's it. Yeah.
Okay, get the ke...
No, not...
not the cheese, the keys.
Put the cheese down...
and get the keys.
Go on.
Over there.
Over there.
Shh.
Yeah!
Oh, come on.
Come here.
Good boy.
That's a good boy.
Good boy, yes.
Oh, give it, give it.
Give me the keys.
Give me the keys, come on.
Come on.
Drop it. Drop it.
Drop it!
It's sundown.
It's almost time.
Oh...
I wouldn't do that, darling.
Wouldn't want to start the
celebration early, would you?
Milo.
Hold it!
I am warning you, I'm...
seriously stressed out here.
Easy, Ipkiss.
Come on.
Now don't be an idiot.
You're in the middle
of a police station.
There is no way you're
walking out of here like this.
You know, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
What the hell are you doing?
You're going to take
me out as your prisoner.
Put it on.
Put it on!
Ow! Come on.
- I'm really very sorry about this.
- I'm sure.
Milo.
Got the wrong guy, I tell you.
It's a bum rap.
I got my rights.
Hey, Lieutenant.
Where are you taking Ipkiss?
Ixnay. He's otgay
an ungay. Ow!
Oh, I get it.
Pig latin, right?
Eesay ouyay aterlay.
Come on!
Why don't you just sit
back and relax, okay?
I've got to change for the party.
- I need a pack of cigarettes.
- Which brand, sir?
Ah, it doesn't matter.
I don't smoke.
But for you, I would
sh**t the Surgeon General.
Mayor Tilton, may we
have a word with you?
Well, I always have time for the
press and my loyal constituents.
Let me out of these cuffs, Ipkiss.
You're driving like a maniac.
I'm sorry, we're already
late for the ball.
Right, Alice and the White Rabbit
are gonna be really disappointed.
Now you're being cynical.
Who the hell are you?
I'm just an ex-employee,
who's come for his back pay...
or should I say payback?
Dorian?
k*ll him.
Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen...
I will be your host, for the
remainder of the evening.
Ipkiss, get your dog away from me.
I'm sorry, he seems
to be attracted to you.
Wait a minute,
where is everybody?
Something's not kosher here.
- Exactly!
- Watch it!
I'm sorry. Okay, I'm
gonna have to lock you in.
- Use the radio.
- What?
You know, call for backup or something.
Milo,
this could be dangerous.
You stay here and be a good boy.
Daddy's gonna to have
to go kick some a*s.
He's a dead man.
- Down! Get down!
- Go!
Come on, come on.
I ain't got all day.
- Line up over here!
- Take it easy. I got the point.
Blow it!
b*stard!
What's the matter, darling?
This is your big production number.
And you know, it's important
to go out with a big bang!
Charlie!
What are you doing here?
Look, take this g*n.
- Start sneaking people out the back.
- Right.
You two, step back.
You don't you know who
you're talking to, do you?
I'm talking to a dead man,
if you don't step back like I said.
Hey, don't you have
respect for law and order?
- What kind of thug are you, huh?
- It's all set, Dorian.
Excellent.
This party's over...
in ten minutes.
This is the moment of truth,
when a man shows what
he's really made of.
- Crap.
- Drop it, Ipkiss.
Smart dog.
Hey, boss, look who
decided to crash the party.
Hi, Dorian, how's it going?
Bring him up here!
Dorian! Dorian, wait, no!
There's no time for last requests.
But all I wanted was a kiss.
A kiss?
Just one last kiss.
Dorian, I can't shut this thing off.
There's always time...
for one last kiss...
No!
From the real Dorian,
the one I used to love.
Nobody ever kissed me,
like Dorian Tyrell.
Romeo, this whole place is going
to blow in a couple of minutes!
Just wait!
I've decided...
to give her one last thrill.
Get it!
Run, Milo!
I got him... oh!
Stanley, hurry!
Don't worry, Tina,
it's all over now.
Stanley!
Gotcha.
I'm gonna take you apart.
Well, I hope you can enjoy the
victory, with one friggin' eye!
Aw, shucks!
Good doggy.
Shh. Good doggy.
I'm winning.
Stanley!
Stanley!
Yes!
Get off me!
Milo!
Oh my God.
This has gotta to be a new breed.
Oh, easy, boy.
Good boy.
Did you miss me?
I guess not!
Now, you have to ask
yourself one question,
"Do I feel lucky?"
Well...
do ya,
punks?
Stanley!
That's a spicy meatball.
How do?
This guy's incorrigible.
You were good, kid, real good.
But as long as I'm around,
you'll always be second best, see?
Police! Hands up!
- All right, hold it right there.
- Get 'em up!
Officers, arrest those men.
I always wanted to say that.
Come on.
Drop it!
Give me that g*n.
They stole all my jewelry.
You take me down to headquarters...
Stop that man!
Ipkiss!
I've got you now, Ipkiss.
Watch it, chunky.
Mayor Tilton, I'm so...
What the hell's wrong
with you, Kellaway?
That man is The Mask.
No, Dorian Tyrell was The Mask.
I saw it with my own eyes.
This young man here
just saved our lives.
With a little help from his friends.
- Oh, you're a real hero.
- Doyle!
Well, it's nothing...
any American with ba*ls of steel,
wouldn't do for his community.
Milo, come on!
Hey, wait, that dog...
- Mayor Tilton, did you see that dog?
- Leave the dog alone.
I want to see you in my office,
first thing tomorrow morning.
Yes, Your Honor.
Boy, that doesn't sound good at all.
No, it doesn't sound good.
What would sound good to you?
- Breakfast.
- Shut up!
You sure you know what
you're doing, buddy?
I'm sure.
Then do what you got to do.
Sure you're not going to miss this guy?
When he's gone,
all that's left is me.
Milo!
Smokin'!
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