01x05 - Valentine’s Day

[bunniefuu]

Whenever you guys are ready.

- You ready now?
- Are you waiting for us?

- No, we've been ready.
- Okay, just tell us when.

- Oh, my God.
- We're on the edge of your seats, so...

- Are you just saying that?
- No.

Three, two, one.

What am I looking at?

Hello, sir.

- Wow.
- Hey, hey, hey.

- Wait for the best part.
- Hey, hey, hey.

That's the best part?

I didn't know an article of clothing
could make me seasick.

Eight-month lead-time.

The seamstress in Phuket spoke
less English than I speak Thai,

and yet look at the workmanship.

- First class.
- I can't even look at it.

I have, like, hysterical blindness.

It's mostly upsetting,

but maybe kinda sweet that you two
got each other Valentine's Day gifts.

So sweet.

- Can't wait to see what you got us.
- Yeah.

f*cking Valentine's Day, bro.

- f*ck me.
- f*ck me.

Dude, I thought Valentine's Day was
in November. When did they move it?

No, no, no, they didn't move it,
and I didn't get Val sh*t.

- We're good. We're actors.
- Okay.

- We'll improvise. Come on.
- Yeah.

One time, I got Joy a Tonya Harding cameo.

- She like that?
- She loved it, man.

Woody, I don't think
that's gonna fly with Val, man.

I usually lean towards sentimental.
I serenade her or something.

You're Mr. Romantic


She expects that.

- Go a different direction. Yeah.
- Yeah. Maybe funny. Humor.

Laughter is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

I'm betting on you. Bye.

That's why Seinfeld's
the sexiest man alive.

Serenade.

Thank you.

- Hey, Olive.
- What?

Let's go see if the DNA test is here

- before the old bat wakes up.
- Fine.

How's my little girl doing?

I feel mad, I feel sad,
I feel alone, lonely.

It's a rainbow of emotions over here.

Ever see one of those trees
that loses all its leaves,

but still stands there
like it owns the freaking forest?

That's you.

No leaves, cold wind, sad as hell,

but spring's a-comin'.

Thanks, Dad.

That was actually incredibly sweet.

I don't want anyone making
my little girl feel like this.

So, if you want me to send some g*ons over

to have a little talk with Jimmy,

I know some guys.

Good guys.

Bad guys.

Good g*ons.

You remember Yuri?

He was excellent at cornhole, I...

Hey, Roger!

f*ck me.

Hey, Woody.

How you doing, brother?

- I'm pretty good, man.
- Great, great.

Are you sure this is everything?

'Cause I can't say more,

but my daughter and I have been
expecting something to arrive

and it's kinda important.

No, I'm holding on to a few pieces.

Every day, I pick five things
I choose not to deliver.

You got me.

Well, I'm just saying,
you could probably fetch a pretty penny

for some Woody Harrelson mail
on the black market.

Okay.

- Good seeing you, Woody.
- Yeah. Yeah.

You gotta get that mail delivered.

- Hey.
- What?

What about Roger?

- No.
- Too soon.

Is it too soon?

- Yes. God, come on, just...
- Okay. Yeah, just...

How long does it take to get over Jimmy?

You know,
he's like 11 eggs short of a dozen.

- Dad!
- Sorry.

Happy Valentine's Day to my Valentina.

Happy Valentine's Day to you.

Fresh flowers, fresh fruit,
and fresh-squeezed orange juice

- for you.
- Fresh-squeezed?

Hundred percent.

Says so on the box.

Okay.

- Me first?
- You first.

What did you do?

Wow.

It's our first date.

You kept the napkin?

I knew that first night it was something
I wanted to remember forever.

That's an incredibly thoughtful gift, Val.

Mine.

- Yep. Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

All right. No, no, no, no.

Don't want to get ahead of you.

I just want to let you know,
I didn't go quite as sentimental as you...

- You?
- ...like.

I see what you did there.

No, that's... That's it.

It's...

"Keep chasing Greenlights."

Do you...

- Wildflower
- Do you hear that?

Ooh, wildflower

You're my wildflower, baby

Wanna press you to my lips

Come on

- What is this?
- That's a great f*cking question.

It's the song he wrote for me
when we first fell in love.

- Woman, when I can't resist you
- Wow.

Come on

Wildflower, ooh, wildflower

You are the cosmic door

To the galaxies we will explore

And I just want to give you more

I want to make you come on
Come on, come on, come on

Wildflower, ooh, wildflower

Wow.

Where did Woody get
all these dirty children?

Come on, kids. Give her those flowers.

Is this the greatest
Valentine's Day gift ever?

I think it is. They picked
all these flowers themselves.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Yeah. Right out of my garden.

- Great job, kids.
- Amazing job.

What do you guys think?

You are one serenading son of a g*n, Wood.

- What'd you get for Val?
- He got me this.

Kinda went light and easy,
sense of humor this year.

Yeah, we went with humor this year.

- "Keep chasing Greenlights."
- It's so funny.

- I think I must love you more.
- Stop.

I don't know.
What do you love more, buddy?

Your wife?
Or jacking with your buddy, McConaughey?

Both things can be true, brother.

Now what does that mean?

- What?
- Wait, what does that mean?

No, I'm sa... I mean, if... I mean...

- Wait.
- No, no, I'm saying--

Are you saying that you did all of this
just to make Matthew look bad?

Negative.

- Woody. Oh, God.
- There was an opportunity to do that,

but that is such a tiny part of it.

Honey?

Always room for two
in the doghouse, buddy.

Thanks.

Happy Valentine's Day.

So, any plans for
the Valentine's Day with Wyatt?

- Keep your voice down.
- I hope you hear this, Wyatt.

Hey. Happy Valentine's Day, Kai.

And a happy Valentine's Day
to you too, Olive.

I know today can't be easy.

But as Lord Byron once said,
"The heart will break but broken live on."

- Hey, girls. Happy Valentine's Day.
- Hey. Happy V Day, Dad.

Not yet for me.

Listen, buddy, I... I need your help.

- What's up?
- I need you to go to the jewelry store.

Get your mom some earrings or a necklace.
Something gold.

And take Kai with you so you can get
a good female opinion. All right?

- Great. Sounds good.
- Hey. Speaking of...

How are you two doing?

How did you know?

I'm your dad, man.

Today being Valentine's Day,
it's a perfect day for you to make a move.

Love you.

Love, love, love, love.

Love a couple of Aperol Spritzes
for my ladies.

Hey, hey.

- You okay?
- Yeah, it's just...

I thought you said it was Aperol Spritz,
not carbonated camel piss.

Woody made them.

So Woody's just doing everything today?

Yeah. I'm doing everything I can
for my little Valentine.

Cut the sh*t, Woodrow.

Starting now, what can we do
to make it up to you?

I mean, I don't even know.

I guess, maybe a home-cooked meal
might help?

You could get ahold of your chef
and we could...

- We could do that.
- Just make...

It would be much more romantic if you
and Matthew actually made dinner for us.

- Us?
- No, no, no, we got this.

- Anything you want.
- Surprise us.

Let's suit up.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Please don't suit up.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

That Uber driver had, like,
a smell that I, like,

personally, have just
never smelled before.

Like, I don't know, like, boiled feet
and eggs, or corn, or something?

What is wrong with you right now?

You haven't said anything in,
like, 20 minutes.

- What are you doing?
- What do you mean?

What are you doing?
You just hit me in the nose.

You just came at me.
Oh, my God, that was so weird.

No, no, that was not weird.

I was just making a move.

On the dirty f*cking street corner?

Yeah.

Look, whatever.
I'm just gonna walk to the jewelry store.

You can follow me,
or I can call you an Uber.

- Just walk, Wyatt.
- I'm trying.

I can't see through the tears.

- Are you coming with me?
- Yeah, yeah.

But I'm keeping a safe distance, okay?

Just walk, walk,
we're in the middle of the street. Jesus.

Dude, I am so f*cked up.

Why'd you let me blaze in the car, man?

- You're not supposed to shop stoned.
- How we doing, ladies?

Jesus, dude.

I can't remember
what Joy's favorite foods are.

I literally have no memory of Joy
ever actually eating anything.

I mean, has she put anything in her mouth?

I'm not sure
what Val's favorite foods are either.

I know what they are,
it's just that they always change,

- or, like, Keto phase.
- Hey, can I get a pic?

Come here, bud.

Paleo phase.

There we go. Mediterranean phase.

f*ck it, dude.
Let's just put everything in here.

- Everything.
- Cilantro.

- Rice goes a long way.
- Okay, little bit of...

- Amino acids, come on, baby.
- Maybe that.

Pasta's here.

- That covers a lot of ground.
- Pasta.

Yeah, pastas.

We got the grain.

Hang on. Who we got here?

Yeah!

Hey, babe. We're just about to check out.

Matthew, did you lose your wallet?

My wallet?

Yeah, I got a call from the jewelry store.

They said that some kid
was trying to use your card.

That. Yeah, you know what?
I think I did leave it down there.

Glad somebody found it.
I'll take care of this.

No, no, no, it's already taken care of.
The cops are there.

I just... I have to deal with
the credit card company now.

- Cops are there?
- Yeah, they arrested the guy.

f*ck.

- Val, it's Wyatt.
- I'm sorry, what?

Yep. Yep. I gave him my credit card
to go down to the jewelry store.

Why would you do that?
He has horrible taste.

We're gonna swing by right now,
and we'll go...

We'll go handle it, okay? No big deal.

- Just go.
- Yep, yep, yep.

f*ck the food. Let's go.

Wood, this way!

Dad! Matthew!

You gotta come quick.
Wyatt's getting arrested.

It's all right. We're here now.

You know,
Wyatt wouldn't last a day in prison.

Pretty boy like that?
They'll go to f*cking town on him.

I'm talking train on train on train.

Choo-choo, m*therf*cker.
You know what I mean?

No need for cuffs, sir.

No, this has got to be a misunderstanding.
This is my son, Wyatt.

He was assisting me
with a romantic gesture

gone awry on my behalf, his dad.

Local Austinite and Texan,
Matthew McConaughey.

I need you to step back, sir.

What, is that blood on your nose?

- You roughing up my son?
- Dude, you roughed up a...

- All right. I said get back!
- No, no, no. I--

Get back!

- Dad. Dad, it's a prank.
- Bullshit. What?

Dad, it's a prank. It's...

- Mom set the whole thing up.
- It's okay.

- Yeah. It's true.
- It's a prank?

I know your wife from the fundraiser.

The toy drive at Christmas

- that she does with the cops?
- Yeah.

- Is it Valentine's Day or April Fools'?
- That's you?

So, you're telling me
that Val set this up?

I don't know, I feel bad. That's mean.

It is not mean,

- it's exactly what they deserve.
- That's so...

And we should've gone further.

Like, you should've told them
to send their dirtiest cop

and then when they show up,
the cop is just pummeling Wyatt.

Wait, what?

What if when the guys come home
with groceries,

you get Matthew to put cilantro
in everything?

I'm allergic to cilantro,
my throat slams shut,

they have to take me to the hospital.
"I don't make it."

Like, you die?

Joy, you are sick.

It'll be so good.

How about this?

- We buy them a trip to Singapore...
- Yeah.

...and then we put just little bit

- of cocaine in their luggage.
- Cocaine in there.

Boy, you might lose
more than your arm doing that.

I think they'll laugh about it later.

Yeah.

How about that?

- You think that's for us?
- Part of the prank?

If I know my wife,

- we are in for hell of a long day.
- Come on, man.

They already did the cop thing.
You think they're doubling down on it?

Mom didn't mention this.

Pull over for the padre.

All right. See his dismount.

Look at that walk.

- He means business.
- Yeah. He means business.

I think he's just a cop.

I hope he took some improv classes
so at least this can be entertaining.

Sir, any idea why I pulled you over?

Well, maybe because you've been
talking to our wives?

We've been more than talking to yours.

You ran a stop sign back there.

- I didn't run a stop sign.
- Yeah?

I rolled through a red octagon that,
once I rolled through it,

- turned green.
- Green light.

All right, out of the car. Let's go.

What's with the getup, boys?

A couple of Valentine's gifts
we gave to each other.

You guys are really committed to this bit.
Bravo to you.

Quite the stash you've got here.

Possession isn't a joke, fellas.

Well, this isn't good.

You know what? I love a good prank,

but Matthew and I gotta get home
and find out what these wives are up to.

We do. Hey, thank y'all. Great job.

Better than officer Nick did as well.

- I need you to stop right there.
- Really well done.

- Stop, stop! Stand down!
- Yeah. Stop or I'll sh**t.

- Stand down!
- Stand down!

We better call for backup.



Dispatch? How many cops
do you think Val hired?

Subject is being uncooperative
and combative.

This feels pretty real.

Wyatt, this part of your mom's deal?

- I don't think so.
- I don't think so either.

All right, partner. I think we might've
just overplayed our hand.

Hey, I come in peace.

- There's been a misunderstanding.
- Take it easy. Stop.

- Just wanna let you know that...
- Hands where I can see 'em. I said stop.

No, no, no!

- No, no, no!
- Stand down.

Should we do something?

They seem fine.

Do you accept a collect call
from Travis County jail?

It's a collect call.

Yes.

- Hey, Val.
- Matthew, are you all right?

I've been better, sweetie.

Listen, we had a little run-in
with the cops.

Woody got tased.
I got pepper-sprayed in the face.

- What?
- Not his face.

I need you to come down here
and bail us out.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I--

Tell me you're not that naive.

Matthew, hey, Joy here.

Yeah, we will be right down just as soon
as we finish making ourselves dinner.

No, no, no. Hey, Joy.

Hey, Joy, this is not a prank.

If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up and try a--

It's not a prank, right?

You need to get back in your cell now,
Mr. McConaughey.

Hey, thanks for the ride home,
Officer Linda.

I've never been in a cop car before,
so this is like a genuine thrill for me.

Okay, she does not want to engage.

Or probably just pissed 'cause she's alone
on Valentine's Day, but...

I'm really sorry about earlier.

You're sorry? I punched you.

Yeah. I don't think
my timing was the best.

I think that maybe I misread signs.

I just don't have that much experience.

Neither do I.

I mean... I mean, honestly, that's probably
why I clocked you, I was just nervous.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, you look like
you have a ton of experience.

Want me to punch you again?

I... I meant it as a compliment.

You just... You seem so confident.

Well, I am.

About some things.

Just not, like...

normal teenage stuff.

I only see you, like,
once a year and you're...

you're kind of my best friend.

You're my best friend too.

And I see lots of people all the time.

- f*ck.
- Are you okay?

Sorry. A lot of traffic.

You know, Valentine's Day.

Come on, Nick. Hey...
You know what happened, man.

Y'all pranked us then we assumed
that the prank was still going.

That the game was still flowing, man.

Yeah, I get that, but I'm not the one
that booked you.

- Look at them.
- Hey!

- Hallelujah!
- There they are!

- We are saved.
- Are you serious, Nick?

I had nothing to do with this.

Any way we can increase their bail?

He really got tased.
This is real pepper spray in my eyes.

That toilet doesn't flush.

Yeah, you know what?
I appreciate the commitment,

but at least your coffee shop costumes
took a little effort.

This is a little disappointing.

This is as real as it gets.

Let me know when you're done
with this whole comedy bit.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- We're not playing around.

- This is not a joke. Honey.
- Val. Val!

- Hey, we're not joking. Honey.
- We're not kidding, all right? You...

Hey!

- Hey. Sorry.
- Hey.

I was just... I was gonna bring you this,

- but you already got...
- No, no. I mean,

I have one, but it melted, so...

Okay. Here you go.

- Are you still in pain or...
- Are you?

No, but I can taste pennies
in the back of my throat.

Sick. My lip hurts like a b*tch.

- Don't be a baby.
- I'm not a baby.

Okay. You're sleeping with a teddy bear.

That came with the bus.

Yeah? Well, who is this little guy anyway?

- Well, it's not mine...
- Let's see.

...but if you hurt him,
I'll f*cking k*ll you.

- Stop.
- I'm gonna-- Just don't touch it.

- I'm like...
- What's this? What's this?

Is this the acorn I gave you?

No.

No, that's nothing.

That's...

That's just a completely unrelated acorn
with no sentimental value at all

that I just...

that I just keep around for no reason.

Sorry.

Sorry, I'll work on the other side.

This is work to you?

Shut up.

- Dude, I still got another call.
- Mmm.

I could call Willie or Owen.
They've bailed me out lots of times.

Why didn't you ever call me?

- Matthew, let's not do this right now.
- All right.

Well, well, well. Look who we've got here.

- Joe Rogan?
- No, no. Even better.

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all.

Thank God, Gwen.
How did you know we're here?

You got any romantic plans tonight?

- Just this.
- This may sound crazy,

but there's a guy
that I want to set you up with.

He's a mailman, looks great in shorts,
loves his country--

Shut up. You.

- Yes.
- I have made the mistake, up until now,

of treating you like
People's sexiest man alive.

- 2005.
- Shut the f*ck up, Harrelson.

You have all the hallmarks
of a world-class politician.

- Well, thank you.
- Let me finish.

However, your Achilles' heel is that
you have been a celebrity for so, so long

that your brain has turned into
a big old sloppy pile of goo.

Regular people in the professional world
cannot tromps about

with the sleepover energy of two
seven-year-old girls in matching pajamas

running from the police
and getting pepper-sprayed.

No, I'm following. Yeah.

From now on, you wear what I say,

you say what I say.

And if I say smile, you say, "How dimply?"

- Got it.
- Two weeks until we announce.

No more f*ck ups. All right? Let's go.

- Only the best from you, Wood.
- Look at that pour.

Look at the style on this man.

- My people call it maize.
- I married him.

Hey, I'm glad y'all had fun today,
but we knew.

- No!
- What?

- Yeah.
- You did not.

- You wouldn't have won an Oscar for that.
- No.

- It was a good one.
- A hundred percent had them.

- We had you. Joy and Val won.
- We played along. We played along.

- We wanted to play along.
- No, we had you.

Where's that music coming from?

Who's that?

You hear this?

What's this?

That's romantic.

Jimmy?

What are you doing here?

It's Say Anything.
Remember you always wanted to watch it?

Honestly, this scene is the best part.
The rest doesn't hold up super well.

You look so beautiful
in the moonlight, baby.

- You know this guy?
- That's Olive's ex-fiancé.

f*ck me.

Baby, you coming back?

This boom box is weirdly heavy.