01x05 - The Holiday

[bunniefuu]

Who books a flight from Stansted
at 5:45 in the morning?

They're probably still asleep.

You know, Ryanair's an Irish airline.

I thought you'd like that.

Ryanair's for the English, Ruari.

It's how we get our revenge
on them for w*r,

and famine, and Russell Brand.

- Well, you told me to book it.
- I didn't tell you to…

Oh, sh*t. Oh, my God, I am so…

- Hey! You made it!
- Oh, my God! Yeah!

- Get on in!
- Come on! Let's do it!

- Yes!
- Whoo!

Should've brought you this!

It's okay to drink
this early in the morning, isn't it?

Of course, it is!

- Paradise, isn't it, Ruari?
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Come here. Happy 10 years to you both.

And can I just say,
your marriage doesn't look

a day over…

five.

Mum.

- Can you… I wanna…
- Huh?

- Where's my room?
- Can you…

Where's Ruari's room so he can…

Oh, you're both in the outhouse.

We're both in the outhouse?

It's charming as f*ck, Al, you'll love it.

Hey, Ruari, back through the house

on the left there's a path.
Just follow that down.

Only thing, the Wi-Fi's a bit iffy.

I'll get you more data.

- What if I pull?
- Who would you pull?

A local? I don't know.

James Blunt?

Sorry, sweetie, first come, first served.

Where are all these room stealers, anyway?

Lorcan and Theresa are out "making love."

Ugh. Barf.

I really wish you hadn't
kept my ex in the divorce.

In fun news,
the airline lost Theresa's luggage.

She's already borrowed my knickers.

Patrick and Cara
are around somewhere as well.

Ugh, God.

Hey! Hi.

Oh, I'm gonna… oh!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You missed the top
of my shoulder there, babe.

Oh, sorry.

Little boys' room.

That's the third time you've been.

Yeah, well, it's a liquid-heavy
holiday, babe.

You better not be doing
what I think you're doing.

What? Would I?

Hey!

- Hey, gorgeous.
- Hey.

Oh. Pull up a bed, Nana Mouskouri.

Oh, wow. You look insane.

Oh, and a buenas t*rd to you, too.

I heard about your luggage fiasco.

- That sucks.
- Yeah, thank you.

You just never think
it's gonna happen to you.

It's not cancer.

Hey, Ruari!

My man. How have you been?

Yeah, you'd know if you called me back.

I'm sorry, buddy. It's the show.

The prep is all-consuming.

I -can't even really relax on holiday.

- I can't get a tan.
- Why can't you tan?

Because if I had a tan in space,
it wouldn't be authentic.

I'll tell you what's not authentic.

Spaceship battles.

Well, that's your opinion.

- Babe, you didn't…
- What the f*ck?

Oh, yeah.

- Right.
- Ignoring me.

Just… I'm in the sun a bit.

Just gonna move this.

Oh, my God, stop it!

Oh! It's… no.

I am trying to read.

- Trying to read.
- I'm sorry.

Jesus, Alex.

You're on a mattress in the sun. Relax.

Okay. Yeah.

- Theresa!
- Hm?

Yep. Get used to it.

I love you, too.

We'll go for lunch in town
once we're a bit more scorchio-ed.

Yeah.

This is fun, isn't it?

Yeah. This is great.

I just feel like this is it.

- Hey.
- Are you saying we're lost?

How's it going?

Where's Cara?

She had trouble choosing her outfit,

so I left her to it.

Oh, hey, I'll catch you up.

I'm gonna get some…

Order me something oily and alcoholic.

Frank's taken.

You don't smoke.

Yeah, I do in Spain.

Only in Spain?

Well, occasionally in London, you know,

if it's a hot summer night,
and then, you know,

sometimes on Christmas Day
if I've had to cook.

- Yeah.
- And when Delly had cancer as well.

- Throughout COVID.
- Yeah.

- But really, mostly only in Spain.
- Only in Spain.

Oh, my God! I bumped into Ekin-Su

from Season Eight, Love Island. Mad.

We DM on Insta.

What did you just say just there?

Oh, you're so funny.

Is this okay for a little lunch?

- Mm.
- Great.

- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah. I think you look great in it.

Can I get another one of those

and some red down that end
as well, please?

So, maybe…

I don't know if I'm that hungry,
you know, so…

Ah, well, maybe if you stop
putting appetite suppressants

up your nose for this one meal.

Yeah, could we share the paella por dos?

- Paella para dos.
- Oh. Should we do that?

Sure.

- And water, sin gas, please.
- Thank you.

Yeah, we'll have the paella for two, too.

Oh, very organized table. I like.

And for you, my darling?

Are all the paellas,
they come between two?

- We do nice, big paellas.
- Okay.

Do you wanna share that with me?

No. I'll get the burger, please.

Okay, well, at this lovely
seafood restaurant, I'll have the…

Alex, why don't you just
share some of ours?

Oh, yeah. I won't eat loads.

Oh, you said you were starving earlier.

Yeah, I've got a tiny belly, though.

We could each give a bit of our paellas.

- Have half of mine. I'm not hungry.
- Mum. I can share with you,

- Mum, if you want me to.
- No need.

It gives me acid reflux, anyway.

- I've got Gaviscon if you…
- I'll have the ceviche.

- Thank you.
- Ceviche.

Gentle for your lady belly.

Oh! Bit of chemistry there.

No.

See her?

- How good does she look?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'd love to look
like that when I'm old.

Sorta leathery, like in a punk way.

- She's not old. She's our age.
- Excuse me, she's not old.

My age. She's my age.

He likes you.

I'd like to remind you.

- You're beautiful in every single…
- Just give me that.

Mum?

Sam asked me to come get you.
They wanna play "Heads Up."

What the hell's that?

Apparently, it's like the game
"Mr. & Mrs."?

It's fine, I'll be in a couple with you.

- Why are you looking at flights?
- Because I've come on

a couples' holiday by mistake.

And I just thought I could go.

- But you should stay, okay?
- No, Mum.

- You can't leave me here.
- No, 'cause you can go clubbing.

- No!
- Look,

I don't wanna be
one of those mothers

who uses their son as a plus-one.

Partnering up on games
and sharing paellas.

That is future-issues territory.

Mum.

You're a mentalist, 'kay?

Just do what single women
your age do on holiday.

Like, I don't know, Mum.

Go to Wayne Lineker's bar,

watch dolphins, get your nails done.

Just try to have a good time.

Yeah, it's green and massive.

- The Grinch.
- No.

- The jolly giant sweet corn guy.
- No, no.

- Think green and massive!
- Shrek's d*ck?

- Just Shrek will suffice. Next.
- Okay.

- It's a type of poem.
- Spoken word?

- No, but it rhymes.
- Rap?

- Yeah, but Irish.
- Kneecap?

Been doing my homework. Tiocfaidh ár lá.

Should we just pass on this one?

Something you do first thing
in the morning.

- Gut microbiome shot.
- No.

Something one would do.

Lint roll outfit for the day?

No, think "first thing in the morning."

There's no wrong answers, Theresa.

Ah, a big poo?

No! God, Theresa, Jesus.

- Something you lose.
- Keys.

Yes! Okay.

Something you cook rice in, I never would.

- Microwave.
- Yeah, yeah!

Okay, so, your man who took you
to school every day.

- Bus driver.
- Yes!

- I buy too many of these.
- Candles.

Yes! Oh, okay.

A person we think could be a pedo?

- Postman.
- Yes!

Oh, my gosh!

- We nailed it!
- That was so good.

Hey, Ruari, should we do a round together?

Ah, no. We'd be useless. It's fine.

Who's next?

Steep.

Hi.

Oh, sh*t, I pissed myself.

Engage thrusters.

Hey! I'm back!

- Hey!
- Hi!

I got us tomatoes. And a new outfit.

- Yay!
- Bloody Marys tomorrow. Hey, great!

Here you go. A grapefruit fusion.

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

- Engage thrusters!
- Hey, Al,

is it okay if Ruari joins us

- on a lads' night out?
- Yeah!

Well, I mean, he's 18, so I don't…

But you know, if he doesn't want to,
he doesn't have to.

Yeah, he does. Come on, I insist.

- Frankie! Beautiful.
- I'll make sure we have fun.

No, thanks.

Yeah, you stay in with us girls, Ruari.

Should we get dressed up?

Mmm, I'm feeling a bit tipsy-woo.

So, who knows where we…

Yeah, actually, I'm gonna come to town.

- Alright, Frankie boy.
- My Lorc.

Right, ladies, we're off!

- Enjoy your tomatoes.
- Yeah, come on.

- Have fun!
- Alright, Ruari!

- We are going to have some fun.
- Have a good time.

God, you make smoking look good.

You mind?

- Be good.
- Sure.

Will you do me a favor?
Will you keep an eye

- on Ruari later?
- What are you doing?

I don't want an 18-year-old
paralytic in Ibiza,

and I trust you more
than I trust his father.

- Stop.
- Come on!

- I'm flattered. I think.
- Ah! Dad!

You have ash in your hair.

- Oh.
- Text me. Make sure you text me.

- Frank?
- Come on.

Be safe! Don't get pickpocketed

by some deviant old lady
trying to sell you a red rose.

- Bye!
- No sane girl wants a single red rose.

It's just something else
you have to carry.

- Come on.
- Yeah, I'm coming.

I love a single red rose.

Here, shall we get a shot
at the bar, you and me?

You know, dad and son?

Well, we can all just have a shot.

Yeah. Yeah, we could do that.

You're very quiet.
Are you upset with me or Frank?

What? No.

I'm in a Balearic paradise.
What's to be upset about?

So, what's it like to be a subordinate

- on holiday with your boss?
- Oh!

Well, I don't really think
about it like that.

I mean, we were friends first, and

anyway, she's more my partner
than my boss.

- Aren't you?
- Don't push it.

Aw, you two.

Oh.

Friends! And you, new friend.

Thank you for your dress.

It feels so good to wear against my skin.

Whoa! What a physique!

That is where I need to be at for my show.

- Ha!
- What?

You might need a bit of AI
with that, Lorcs, mate.

Yeah? Yeah, you think so?

You haven't met my personal trainer.

Hey! How you doing?

You're looking at me like you know me.

Yeah, let me put you out of your misery.

- I'm an actor.
- Jesus, Dad.

He doesn't care that you're an actor.

They're staring at you 'cause you look
like a f*cking whitehead zit.

What is your problem tonight, huh?

Hey, Ruari, let's go to the bar, eh?
Get us a round of novelty c*ck.

This feels like
a slippery nipple sort of place.

He never asks what's going on
with me anymore.

It's like he's worried that
I'm gonna tell him something difficult

and he's gonna have to deal with it.

He could be a d*ck
when he still lived with us,

but, like, I always thought that
was just 'cause he hated Mum.

But he's still a d*ck.

And it stresses me out
because he's my dad.

It's like, what if I end up like him?

Ah, don't be too hard on him.

And remember, you're the product
of both your parents.

His dickishness will probably
get canceled out

by the fact your mother is so ace.

You know.

- What? No. No.
- Why?

Yeah, I'm just, like, I'm a bit paranoid
around girls at the moment.

Look, mate, you're in Spain.
Nobody knows you here.

You can fall flat on your face.
It won't matter.

I have to go to the bar. You crack on.

No. Patrick.

What?

What?

I don't speak Spanish.

But I do know the word
for "nut pastry" in German.

"Nussgebäcks."

Oh, right.

Oh, we're… okay, cool.

I know that I am a hundred times
better than you, babe.

Yeah, Millie thinks I'm threatened by her.

What am I threatened about her?
Your small t*ts

- and your small waist…
- Mm, so any thoughts

on what you'd like to do in Toronto?

What am I gonna do?

Yeah.

I actually don't know.

Well, you'll figure it out.

What do you… let me just…

What do you like?

What do you mean, what do I like?

Well, just, you know,
what do you do for fun?

I don't know. Do you know,

Lorcan hasn't actually
asked me what I'll do.

It's like he forgets I'm coming.

That's all men. Patrick's the same.

- Really?
- This trip,

he was casually like,
"I'm going to Ibiza,"

and I was like, "You know I love Ibiza."

And he was just like, "Cool."

And I was like, "So, am I coming?"

And then he was just like, "Uh…"

And I was like, "Well, duh,
obviously I'm coming!"

- So, he didn't invite you?
- No.

Sometimes I actually feel like
I have to shove my t*ts

in his face just to get attention,
you know?

I hope no one's shoving their t*ts
anywhere near my husband's face.

Jesus. Okay, what the hell
is wrong with you tonight?

I didn't wanna blow Frank this morning.

And I haven't all week. I'm worried,

if I'm not blowing him, who is?

I don't think you need
to worry about that, I…

Well, Frank is sexy, isn't he?

I think most women
would wanna blow the guy.

And when I'm in the mood,
I love giving him head.

I really do, but I've lost the urge.
I couldn't rouse myself.

Well, I don't know, maybe it's…

I mean, I had that.
Could be a perimenopause thing.

f*ck you, no!
I'm barely in my early late 40s.

Look, I think just have a head holiday.

He's not replying to any of my messages.

- Look.
- Oh, my God, Sam.

Bake Off!

I'm gonna apply to
Canada's Great British Bake Off.

I think I'm gonna go in
for a dance, you know.

- Back in soon. Just DM me.
- Yes, you go and be free.

- Okay.
- And don't you let anyone forget you.

Oh. Okay, no thank you.

Whoa. Oh!

Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!

Lads, selfie!

Whoo!

No, take another.

Wait, no.

Lads. Sam's in a mard!

- Home time for me!
- Huh?

Home time! I've gotta go home!

No, I was just about to get us
into the VIP section.

Do you know what? If you've seen one set
of genitalia on an overhead swing,

you've seen 'em all. Let's get back.

- Sorry, mate.
- Ah, man.

- Ruari. Hey! How you doing?
- Hey!

How are you? It's so good to see you.

You're gonna have to leave now, buddy.

- Come on, we've got a taxi to catch.
- What? Did you see

- that big smoke?
- Yeah, it was amazing.

Frank c*ck you.

- What?
- Come on!

- They're back.
- Oh, come on.

- Hello, hello.
- Hey, hi.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- So, where's Cara?

- Did she go to bed or…
- Oh, she f*cked off,

ain't she, to the klerrrb, yo.

She's too sexy for this party.

- Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Too sexy

- for this party. Ooh.
- Okay, I'm gonna go get a beer.

Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, you put ten pence

in Theresa, then, eh?

Good night, was it?
So good, you couldn't text me back?

I don't negotiate with t*rrorists, Sam.

Those texts that you sent
were an act of terror.

Stop being a paranoid dose.

- Give me a kiss.
- Ruari.

- Ruari!
- I'm gonna get some shots!

Did you have a good night?

- Actually, yeah.
- Yeah?

Let's learn Spanish, Mum.

Well, yeah, okay. I'd love that.

Why?

- Ruari met a Spanish girl.
- Oh, okay.

She looked at me with her eyes.

Her eyes? Wow. She had eyes.

And then what happened?

I looked at her back,

and then told her
the German word for nut pastries.

- Okay.
- And, you know, Mum,

- I actually do love you.
- Oh, I love you…

I love you, too.

And I actually loved
my own company today, by the way.

Thanks for the pep talk.

Oh, Wayne Lineker's club has closed down.

Everyone, a round of Craig Davids.

I'll have four!

Oh, why don't you have a nice cup of tea?

What's actually in Craig Davids?

- Tequila and pineapple juice.
- Oh.

I'd never had one until Frank's bar,
when his friend Georgia made them.

Georgia?

At the bar?!

Where the two of you drank shots?!

Oh, I work in a bar!

It's a gift economy.

- Everybody gets a free shot!
- I didn't know, Mum.

- No, of course you didn't.
- It's not your fault, pal.

…very polite…

I'm gonna go to bed.

Alright, honey. Night.

- I'm gonna be sick.
- Oh, Jesus.

- Where should I be sick?
- Jesus.

In the toilet. In the toilet.

I've seen you in worse states.

- Don't be a b*tch.
- What?

I wasn't saying anything.

And I don't know what you've been saying
to Ruari about me,

but it's affecting our relationship.

And you know, if you hadn't
mollycoddled him so much,

he wouldn't be so f*cking sensitive.

- Now, hang on a second.
- It's not fun.

I need to meditate.

Light up.

When in Spain.

- Can I ask you something?
- Always.

Who the f*ck gave my son MDMA?

I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.

I think it was the bloody Spanish girl.

I don't know how she slipped it past me,
but I kept my eye on him, got him home.

I'm sorry.

Okay, thanks.

Hopefully, the horror
he's gonna feel tomorrow

will be enough to put him off for life.

Yeah, I know that's how it works for me.

You fancy staying awake
to watch the sun come up?

Lorcan put me off sunrises.

He went to Burning Man one year

and he saw his first "on drugs" sunrise.

And when he came back,
he wouldn't shut up about it.

Kept trying to force me to watch one.

I think it ended our marriage.

Not the friendship bracelets?

Oh, my God. We're terrible.

Patrick.

Patrick.

Patrick! Wakey-wakey!

Where were you?

I was messaging you to come meet me.

- It was such a laugh.
- I bet it was. Shh.

It's bedtime. You coming in?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Ow.

Yeah, yeah, I'm so tired.

I know.

Yeah. How much are these?

I don't speak Spanish.

- Just a little German.
- Okay.

Sorry.

I just wanted to tell you, you look great.

Just so cool and content,
and just comfortable in your skin,

- just you by yourself and…
- So sorry, sorry.

Me English, bad, bad.

It's very bad.

- No…
- It's okay.

You inspired me. Just…

But you look great, you know?

You're hot.

You're hot.

You look hot. You know, like, hot.

Huh? No, no, no.

No, sorry.

I was just telling her that she…

It's fine. It was a compliment.

It was, honestly,
it's a misunderstanding.

I was just saying you look great.

Just go about your business, it's fine.

Right, can I have your attention, please?

Ten years ago, I married this woman,

who rocked everything
I thought I wanted in life.

Someone who was confident,
independent, had a great rack.

She gave zero f*ck about anything.

She made my life feel full.

So, I'd like you to help me
by raising a toast

to the woman who made me
the twat that I am today.

Samantha!

To Sam!

- Samantha.
- Now, let's try and make this

a relaxing final day boat rave!

Come on, Sam, we can start, right?

Yay!

- Oi.
- Whoo!

- You alright?
- I feel like sh*t.

Yeah, well, what do you expect?
You did MDMA last night.

It's par for the course.

What, you knew?

Of course, I knew.
And for the next 48 hours,

you are gonna look and feel
like a bag of sh*t.

And in the middle of it all,
you're gonna sit

on a Ryanair flight next to your mother

in an existential fog,
and it will be the punishment

you deserve for doing drugs.

And booking Ryanair.

How do you know all that?
Have you done it?

What? No, don't be stupid.

Whoo!

God, look at this!

- Oh, Frank.
- Hey, watch.

What is he doing?

Don't encourage him!

- Nice one, big man!
- Whoo!

Great going, Frankie!

Lads! In you come!

It's lovely! Patrick, go! Whoo!

- How's it feel?
- Ow! You f*ck!

Jellyfish just f*cking… ow!

Is there a sea monster as well?

Patrick will pee on it for ya!

God! Oh!

Frank! Frankie!

- You okay, Frank?
- Oh, f*ck. Is he having a heart attack?

- Frankie!
- Frank!

- Help me!
- Oh, my God, Patrick!

Oh, my God! Could we get a lifeline?

sh*t. Did anyone bring the life buoy?

Frank!

- Alright, mate, I've got you.
- Okay, is my hair in?

Is my hair in?

Frank! Please!

You alright, Ruari?

Here, find a vending machine,
get a full-fat Coke.

And watch some Rick and Morty.

- That was f*cking terrifying.
- I know.

I thought he might be a goner.

I really need to finish
my level two in first aid.

You okay?

Yeah…

No.

I kept thinking…

life's f*cking short.

And I'm worried that
I didn't try hard enough.

- For us.
- Yeah.

Just maybe we don't get into all that.

I just don't wanna have any regrets.

I miss you.

Well, you've said that before.

Yeah, but this time it hurts.

- Did you…
- I didn't do any drugs last night.

Do you want a water?

Yeah.

¿Sin gas or con gas?

You choose.