Bampire (2025)

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hi.

This is not

your grandma's Bambi.

In fact, this isn't

a Bambi story at all.

Sure, there's deer in it,

and other woodland creatures.

But this is a story about

something much scarier,

even scarier

than the part in the cartoon

where they k*ll Bambi's mom.

-This is a story

about a bampire.

Come on, you gotta keep up.

Come on.

Lorraine.

I am going to die out here.

I swear, it's just

a little bit further.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Have a little faith.

"Beware"?

They're home! You idiot.

It's just the TV.

They leave it on all night.

Yeah. It's 3 a.m...

We are so good.

Relax.

Enjoy yourself.

Can you imagine...

having one of

these in your own backyard?

No.

I bet they barely even use it.

Hmm.

You're gonna have

to put it in my mouth.

I have no hands.

Now, that

is what I like to hear.

Shut up.

No!

See, bampires suck.

I should know.

I've been dealing with them

pretty much my entire life,

but this isn't the

beginning of our story.

Let me take you back

to a happier time,

the year was 1998.

Chug-chug-chug-chug.

Chug-chug-chug-chug.

Chug-chug-chug-chug.

Chug-chug-chug-chug.

Choo-choo!

I have your papers here, graded,

if you'd like to review them.

Hurry up!

Okay, okay. Chill.

Oh, Nonda, I was very

impressed with your work...

...as always.

Let me know

if there's extra credit.

You got a 90%.

I know, so close.

Oh, Daniel, you got a moment?

I might recommend you

take this home.

-I'm good.

- There's more

to this world

than filming it.

You could

understand it, study it.

With the,

uh, scientific method?

Of course.

Which the first step

is to observe.

Filming something

is different than

scientific observation, Daniel.

Is it, though?

Soccer tryouts today at four.

So, I know that

you have all been thinking

about your final

film project since

first semester,

and I know

that I have been withholding.

This ends today.

This program has an emphasis

on the storytelling side

of scientific journalism.

That said,

I expect a 10-minute visual

documentary on the subject

of your choice.

No words,

just a new perspective.

A unique point of view.

Any questions?

Oh, my gosh.

Branson?

Hey.

How was work?

Great, uh...

Still there, just leaving.

You ready?

Yeah, yeah, I just got out.

Are you sure

you're not gonna be late?

Because I could just call Dana.

Not that late.

I'll see you soon...

...ish.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage

the incomparable Bambi!

Okay, I already told

you this is not a Bambi story.

So, while Leroy here

watches this nice,

young lady dance,

let me tell you a few

things I've learned

about bampires over the years.

Basically, a bampire

is a shapeshifter.

They can look like a deer,

well, a deer with fangs.

They can look like a human

being, just like you or me,

or they can look like something

else, something in between.

They're fast, faster than you

think, and strong as hell.

So if you're not careful,

you might lose an arm

or a leg or even your head

if the mood strikes them.

Now, you're probably wondering

why I call them bampires.

You see, as a kid,

I loved the movie Bambi,

and these things have fangs

like vampires.

So, "bampire."

Bottom line, it's a

f*cking monster.

as*h*le.

You're an hour late, dumbass.

I gotta give my girl a ride.

The fun kind?

Sorry, man.

See ya, Leroy.

Go f*ck yourself, Branson.

Hello?

-Hey.

I think Branson's flaking.

Are you free now?

Wait.

Did you just get out of class?

No. Shut up.

Uh-huh. Professor

Fatcock keep you late?

Oh, my God. I never

should have told you that.

"I don't know. Like, 12?"

Have you seen a ruler?

Hey, maybe it was his pants

or something, okay?

It's not like I would ever...

-Gotta go. Bye.

Just because it's big

doesn't mean it works.

Hey, babe.

Uh, I got stuck

behind a ambulance, and--

and then I was held up.

At gunpoint?

No.

And you know I hate

it when you-- ugh,

smoke and drive.

Ah, geez, Nonda.

It's like you...

Ah! sh*t!

Branson!

Dear Chuck,

it's been a while, hasn't it?

But I hope you're doing well.

How's that wife of yours?

Me and the boys,

we're doing fine.

You won't believe

how big Tanner's got.

And he's grown

into a fine marksman.

Just as good with that bow

as he is with a r*fle.

And Nathan turned into quite

the little buck, too.

I mean, he had this run-in with

a baby bear the other day.

He wasn't even scared.

Poor thing was probably

more scared of him.

Anyway, I thought you might

find these photos interesting.

We were out hunting last week,

and we came across this cave

right in our

-own backyard.

It had the strangest

markings on the wall.

Some kind of deer with fangs.

I thought maybe you

could come out here

and take a look for yourself.

You were always into

that kind of stuff.

Sure would be great

to catch up.

Stanley.

Where you headed?

I keep seeing all these young

people out here.

It's getting worse and worse.

Any idea where

they're coming from?

You mean the ones leaving

all this sh*t around?

My guess is they're

from the community college

over in Jefferson.

Headed that direction

if you want a lift?

You know...

if you're into conservation,

you really need to talk

to this teacher I had.

Professor Charlie.

That guy's a bit of a nut, but

I tell you what,

he knew everything

about nature.

Really set me on the right path.

Hello.

I'm looking

for Professor Charlie?

Well, that's me.

Your name, dear?

Amy.

So, Amy,

are you a science major?

-Oh, yes.

-And I trust

you've completed all

the level 100 classes?

100 classes?

Well, the prerequisites.

Which of the sciences

are you most interested in?

The great outdoors.

Then I've got just the thing.

Now, as your professor,

it's my job to encourage...

-...and inspire my students.

Oh, Amy, could you

get the lights, please?

The lights?

Sorry.

We've been granted the

opportunity to explore

this cave system firsthand.

What is this?

Discovered on

privately-owned land,

this cave may contain

one of the oldest

known paintings

in Northwestern America.

-Now, as you can see,

they've rendered

the unmistakable image

of a rare fanged-deer species

thought only to populate

this latitude across the seas.

-The musk deer.

Woah. Bambi's got bite.

Bambi?

More like

deeracula.

So you're hunting them?

No, no.

A friend has given us permission

to fully document this image,

as well as any evidence

of the unprecedented

existence of the creature

-in the Cascades.

Now, this will be

a full weekend field trip.

Oh, I know, I know.

Every one of you is not

a budding anthropologist.

But this is the history

of your backyard,

and this wall may contain one

of your first discoveries.

Plus, there's many

extra credit points.

Are you a student?

Hey!

Why you got that?

It looks interesting.

A whole weekend

in the forest with that guy?

To prove a hypothesis.

Yeah, to prove something.

What's that supposed to mean?

You can't make me jealous.

He's married.

He's got a fat c*ck.

-How did you--

-Dana.

Okay, I don't think

she likes me.

Oh, my God.

See, you're embarrassed.

-Screw you, Branson.

-Oh, what?

You just admitted it.

Can I be your plus one?

You don't even go to college.

Nonda.

Come on.

I wanna go with you.

Seriously.

Please?

Whatever.

What the f*ck kind

of deer is this?

Hey, can we drink on this thing?

Well, not inside this thing,

but all whom are of age,

help yourselves

once we bed down

for the evening.

I myself find it

impossible to sleep

without a bit of the tonic

under these conditions.

-Conditions?

- I trust

you all brought the

recommended equipment?

-Of course.

-Was there, like, a list?

A long one.

Did you bring a tent?

Sleeping bag?

-No.

-Then what's in your bag?

-Gear.

For cameras only?

Hey, what even needs

to be filmed, f*cking...

...rocks?

Who knows?

That's the spirit, Daniel.

Who knows what discoveries

the forest can hold?

If the musk deer

did inhabit this region,

whatever drove them out?

Perhaps a disease?

Accidental decimation due to

gluttonous human ideology?

A festivus hunt?

Like a witch hunt?

No, not really. I...

Like in Salem?

Well, I-- I don't

think that's...

We just read about that.

Those were not real witches.

What if it was a race w*r?

Deer versus... man?

Not just any deer.

Musk deer, they're called.

But as I said,

finding them at all

on this continent would be...

...quite notable.

Quite notable indeed.

Oh.

-Stan!

My leg wasn't asleep,

I'd run over there and--

Is this Tanner?

My word,

you've grown

into a man in my absence.

Uncle Chuck.

That is what you call me.

Uh-- and this,

your newest recruit?

Nathan, is it?

I don't believe we've met.

I don't believe we have.

Hey, that's me.

Yeah, I think I was seven,

eight years old.

I can't quite remember.

I guess it doesn't matter now.

There's nobody left to care.

-Can I drink yet?

There'll be plenty

of time for libations

and w*r stories

around the campfire

this evening.

Until then, everyone,

grab your backpacks

and make use of the last toilet

we'll see this weekend.

What?

So good to see you.

Hey.

Hey.

-So, are you--

Geez. Are you liking

it out here so far?

Yeah--

You ain't got another bathroom?

I'm gonna...

-Yeah.

- Yeah.

Branson...

And that was it.

That was the last time

most of them

would ever get

to use a real bathroom.

Now, I don't want to skip too

far ahead in the story,

but if you're wondering if

things are gonna go south for

Uncle Chuck and his students...

well...

let me just ask you this...

Does a bear sh*t in the woods?

-Squatch-man!

Put that sh*t down.

Don't be teaching my

boy your disrespect.

I...

Geez.

Hey, Professor, check this out.

- Hmm.

My, my. Big canines.

Very big.

Obviously a bear skull.

But... where's the rest of it?

That's a nice haul

you got there, bud.

Can someone help me...

with the tents?

-What are those?

-Hmm?

Oh, these are trail cameras.

Of course you'd be interested.

The, uh, science department

wasn't making

use of them, so I

thought they could

be our second eyes.

How do they work?

Oh, well, the photo's taken when

the infrared beam's broken.

So if anything crosses our path,

we'll have a photo record.

You're, uh--

you're setting them up tonight?

We have mere days, Daniel.

Oh, I know,

it may seem like an eternity.

But oftentimes great discoveries

take a surmounting effort.

Well, you want some help?

Do you know the look

of a game trail?

The look of the what?

Well, then we'll travel together

and share the load between us.

Get your empty bag there,

will you?

Can you help?

I'm sorry, I've never seen

a tent like that before.

I'm useless.

So where are you sleeping?

It's all in there.

You camp a lot then?

Every night, if I can.

So why not just live out here?

We all do, don't we?

The load'll get lighter

as we go along.

Taking off?

Oh, we'll be back by dark.

Well, make sure you are.

Confirmed bear activity

in the area.

You've mentioned, Stanley.

We'll be exceedingly careful.

-Okay.

No, don't take my-- Okay.

Where the f*ck did you go?

Oh...

Sweet.

It cold?

Too cold for you.

You want these?

-'Cause I could--

Amy?

Amy!

f*ck this sh*t.

All right.

We're off to bed.

Sweet dreams,

my most dearest friend.

Careful.

He's a sap when he drinks.

Well...

I was once like you.

Good student.

A researcher to my core.

A good husband.

Well...

...so I thought.

It's a hard metric.

The love of a woman.

Far too many

variables to account for.

I gotta whiz.

Carefully now.

Amy?

Are you okay?

Have you seen Amy?

No.

Branson!

Ah! Stupid!

f*cking stupid!

f*ck!

You're going the wrong way.

-Dude.

What's in those roots?

Hey, what the sh*t is this?

I was waiting for you, jackass!

Where the f*ck were you two?

I was swimming.

I got lost.

I'm sorry, okay? I--

Are you bleeding?

Let's just go to bed.

Good night.

Good night.

What happened?

I got lost.

You're all, like,

bloody and weird.

Nonda...

Nonda?

What are you doing?

It's my assigned meal.

There were assigned meals?

I brought extra.

In case anybody forgot.

Plus Branson's.

Is that pan cast iron?

Your packet must have

weighed 50 pounds.

You'll thank me later.

Pancakes in the woods.

My everlasting thanks.

And the blackberries.

It was nothing.

They're the best part.

Are you sure

you don't want a pancake?

No, thank you.

Alright.

I gotta get little buck

back to school.

Travel safe.

Tanner's got old faithful.

Can reach anywhere

in these mountains.

If you need anything,

you just give a holler.

Yes, we will.

It's been an honor,

my brother-in-arms.

Oh, that reminds me, Daniel.

We'll need to check

on those cameras.

Uh, yeah, totally.

This time, you'll take

the southern cameras.

I'll head north.

Okay, so...

-If you go that way...

And then we go...

-Yeah.

And upon our return...

we'll away to the caves.

You're really good with that.

-Deadly.

Did you teach yourself?

My family...

they were...

...survivalists.

What happened to them?

-They were all m*rder*d.

Oh...

Time for lunch.

Well, I suppose one

or two is to be expected.

Oh, sh*t.

I think this is broken.

Yeah.

Yeah, this one too, maybe.

f*ck, serious?

I don't know.

You check.

Yeah, it's hard to tell.

Let's just take it back to camp.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Thank you, Leroy.

What the f*ck?

Uh...

Why did you

even bring that thing?

Protection.

Have you ever been camping?

Just don't let anyone see.

Branson.

Huh.

Now, if the wind...

...normally gusts from the

northwest to the southeast.

But the sun always

sets in the west.

Then this must be north.

And I must be very, very lost.

It seems like...

I know.

Maybe Chuck will do better.

Who's in charge of lunch?

You. And you're

making instant noodles.

Just boil the water.

Is Charlie back yet?

Don't see him.

Helpful.

Hey, my job is noodles...

not finding your boyfriend.

He is not my boyfriend, okay?

You're not even my boyfriend, so

just shut up about boyfriends.

I, uh--

I guess I'll go

find Uncle Chuck.

Yeah, why don't I help?

I don't understand!

These new game trails?

How, in the space

of one evening?

Every sodding deer,

west of the--

He's a slutty,

shorts eating, jerkface.

Have you told him the,

uh, depth of your feelings?

Yeah, but I'm not exactly

awesome at it.

Besides, we're not even dating.

Do you want to be?

As if!

He's so-- Ugh!

'Cause it'd be okay if you did.

Thanks, Dad.

But for your information,

this isn't some type of

sad, boy-meets-girl,

I-can-change-him...

No, Nonda, Nonda. I just mean,

even if he's a jerk...

...it's okay

if you want to date him.

-But--

-Not that you do,

you know, but... if you did.

I thought you were good at this.

I am good at this.

And we would've

come across him by now

if he hadn't veered off.

Could be making loops.

Fine.

Then let's just wait here.

So...

...you and Nonda?

Yup.

Do you date much?

No.

Waiting till marriage?

The right person,

I guess, but...

...that seems less

and less likely.

Nonda's that type.

The waiting till?

The...

...right person...

...type.

Then you're a lucky guy.

Look, I'ma head back.

You coming?

I'm gonna take another loop back

in the other direction and see

if I can cut him off.

You didn't find him.

Tanner's still looking.

-Hey, I'm sorry about--

-I need a bath.

Where's Amy?

-Why do you need--

-I said, I need a bath.

Okay.

-Geez.

Hey, Branson, I'll come too.

How's the water?

It's f*cking cold!

How does it see

from so far away?

It's so small.

Well, the lens.

It magnifies the subject so I

don't have to disturb anything.

I love it.

Yeah, me too.

I'm coming out.

Don't look.

Amy?

Danny?

You f*ck!

What these f*cking

kids didn't understand

is that this wasn't a game.

Not like in the movies.

The woods didn't care about

their relationship problems.

These woods were hungry.

They were gonna eat them alive.

Literally.

Help!

Help me!

Oh, you've done it

this time, Chuck.

You...

Help!

Crawl, you maggot.

"Where's Branson" is becoming

my new catchphrase.

Do you think he's lost again?

Help me find him.

He said he didn't

want us to look.

Danny?

Take your compass.

He's too east.

Oh, my god...

Is she why you're here?

Actually, I'm seeking

a new perspective.

I figured I wouldn't get it

being in the same places

with the same people

day after day.

Everything's different out here.

Every day it's colder.

The sun sets earlier.

Things are changing.

Constantly.

Might seem like it all happens

at once, but...

...not to those

who are watching.

Branson!

Branson, I f*cking see you.

It's not what it looks like.

-What does it even look like?

-Do you have... pants?

On?

Um.

Never mind.

Branson!

Oh, come on.

Admit it.

You wanna hunt

the great white snake.

Oh, my God. Stop.

-No.

Ah!

You're crazy!

Help me!

-He corrals.

- Ah, geez, Branson.

-He strikes.

Branson, put me down.

Did you find him?

Hey, did you find him?

Chuck, Nonda.

Nonda, Chuck.

No, I did not find him.

These hills are crisscrossed

with all sorts

of fresh new trails.

Chances are he followed

one off too far

and couldn't find his way back.

This is the only one I found

that wasn't like the others.

So what are we gonna do?

He only took one bottle of

water, no food, no shelter.

You didn't pack him a lunch?

We gotta go out and look.

We didn't make it

to the cave yesterday.

I mean, maybe

he tried this morning.

Okay...

Here's what we're gonna do.

Everyone grab

a yellow poncho, okay?

They're reflective,

high visibility.

I don't need any other

city folk getting lost.

Let's go.

You read me?

You read me?

Over.

Go ahead, buck.

How's day two?

Chuck's gone

and got himself lost.

Well, you know the drill.

He wouldn't have been

able to miss the road.

Little buck and I'll drive it

just in case he got

lost enough to think

it's his best chance.

Copy that.

I'll radio when we're back.

Over and out.

All right, listen up.

Here's the plan. Nobody's gonna

be far and never out of earshot.

Okay? We're leaving camp

in a V formation

with me at the point.

Everyone else,

fan out in the wings.

If you see anything,

let me know.

Okay?

I'll move over.

Everyone else,

following behind me.

Got it?

Let's go.

You're bringing that thing?

Yeah.

Right now, we're just

assuming Chuck's lost.

There's always a chance he's in

a much hairier situation.

Compartment syndrome.

Just to relieve the pressure.

Oh, God!

Oh...

We'd cover more ground

if we'd separate.

Are you breaking up with me?

I'm not your boyfriend.

Branson, hey.

What?

I just wanna

get out of here, so...

can we focus?

Danny!

Jesus, dude. I have a g*n.

Okay, I thought you

were smarter than that.

Did you do that?

No...

...we didn't.

Amy! Branson, Nonda!

Did you find him?

-Where's Amy?

-Oh, is that your new

catchphrase?

Look the f*ck up, Nonda.

Your dad didn't

do this sh*t, right?

No.

It ain't bear season.

They're mean f*ck

this time of year.

Where's Amy?

She has to be within earshot.

Amy!

-Amy!

- Hey!

Are you trying

to get us all k*lled?

Are you absolutely sure this

wasn't your family or something?

No!

It isn't bear season, f*gg*t.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-No, it's all right.

He's just trying to get his

cherry popped.

Stop it!

Amy's fast.

She'd be at the caves already.

How would she know the way?

There's

entrances everywhere.

She could've

just stumbled into it.

Unless whatever got that bear...

So not helpful right now.

...got her, too.

So we head to the caves.

Together.

Fine by me.

Single file.

Behind me. Let's go.

Alright.

Keep moving forward and fan out.

The entrance

is right over these rocks.

But wait for me to go inside.

And you're going?

To the ridge.

If Amy missed this valley,

that's where she ended up.

Then I'll go, too.

No, man.

I don't trust you with that

thing on your face.

Then me.

They need you here.

I can see it in your waistband.

-Then I'll go.

-No.

You stay with me.

All right, then.

Tanner.

If you ain't back in 20 minutes,

we're getting out of here.

Yeah.

Turn off the safety.

Now, my brother knew

a lot about a lot of things.

But women wasn't one of them.

And bampires?

Well...

poor kid never knew

what hit him.

Amy!

Amy...

What are you trying to--

Hey!

Amy!

Amy, come on out.

We've only got 20 minutes.

Where you at?

Amy.

Amy?

Amy, come on.

Quit messing around.

I know you're out here.

Amy!

Amy,

if you're just playing--

This ain't funny!

Was that...?

-Tanner?

-Hopefully.

f*ck you, Branson, okay?

f*ck you.

I don't need to hear

that right now.

Well, f*ck you. It's the truth.

What if someone's

out here with us?

We need to go back to camp.

-Now. No.

-What about--

f*ck Tanner.

f*ck Amy.

f*ck the professor and

his monster-f*cking--

f*ck you, too.

- Tanner!

-Oh, sh*t!

She...

She--

She's not--

She's not letting you

get out of here.

Do you think he meant Amy?

-No, no, It can't be.

- f*ck!

Here, help me

get this thing in here.

Danny,

I think he's f*cking dying!

Okay, okay.

- Is it working?

-I don't know.

Its not a f*cking camcorder!

f*ck!

I think I got something.

SOS, Mayday.

We need help.

Tanner's really f*cking hurt.

Say again, buck.

You're breaking up.

You there?

Go, go, go!

-Wait, Danny!

-Go, go!

Dad?

-Yeah?

-I'm tired.

Yeah.

He would've made it out

to the road by now.

We're gonna go out there?

Well, your brother

wouldn't have rigged up

old faithful for no reason.

Hello?

Hello, I'm here!

Hello?

My word.

That's no musk deer.

Amazing.

Truly. Ah!

f*ck! f*ck!

Branson...

please, please, stop.

I just want to

protect you, okay?

I know. I know.

Just give me the g*n,

okay?

It'll help.

I promise.

We'll protect

each other, alright?

Alright.

Nonda...

I think I want to date you.

For real?

Yeah.

Me too.

-Branson!

-Ah!

And that's

how bampires multiply.

First there was one, then two.

Who knows

how many there are now.

They spread like wildfire.

Soon, there won't even

be enough forest left

to contain them all.

Daniel!

Daniel!

Hey, Dad.

-Yeah?

-What's the weirdest thing

you'd ever eat?

Hmm.

I gotta think on that one.

What do you think it'd be like?

Hmm?

Being chewed up?

You know, my buddy

ate a monkey one time.

Nuh-uh.

Yeah.

He said it tasted like a--

Now, I've seen a lot

of f*cked up things in my life,

but when that deer jumped out

in front of our truck

-that night,

nothing could have prepared me

for what I saw next.

What the f--

Oh...

Wha-- N-- No.

Wha-- f*ck.

f*ck, oh...

I don't

remember how I was created.

I don't know

what you'll remember.

Nothing.

I hope.

Ah.

Sweet goodness, Daniel.

Are you in there?

Oh-- oh, dearie.

Help must be nearby.

I'll return soon, I swear it.

Professor?

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, f*ck.

Wait for me!

Okay,

f*ck.

f*ck.

Oh, f*ck.

-Come on!

f*ck!

Oh, thank G--

What'd it taste like?

Hmm? What?

The monkey.

Oh! He said

it tasted like a squirrel.

What a perspective.

Squirrel?

Well, it kind of makes

a bit of sense, don't it?

Run, little buck.

Danny!

Nonda?

Nonda?

Danny?

Oh, my God.

I don't know what I am.

You're a predator.

No.

Don't come near us.

Danny!

I'm so sorry.

We are tired of being hunted.

Please.

Nathan?

Stay away from me.

And ever

since that night,

it's been pretty much me

against the bampires.

They're home! You idiot.

Well, I guess that

brings us back to tonight.

There I am,

exhausted from protecting

these woods, finally

getting some rest.

Damn it.

I put up a sign.

Not again.

Let's get you out of here.

You're gonna be fine.

Believe it or not,

I've seen worse.

And that's my story.

It's not a happy one.

I'm still here, still fixing to

die in this damn forest.

And every time I stumble

on an abandoned campsite,

a body in the woods,

or another

g*dd*mn animal attack,

there's a part of me that

knows this world

will never be as simple

as it once was.

-Oh, come

-on.