03x02 - Stanbiscuit

[bunniefuu]

[echoing gasp]

At long last,
the Pre-Cogs have stirred.

Their murky slumber broken
by their prophecies for...

this year's
yearbook superlatives!

"Most Likely To Work
As A Secretary: Lisa Cutter."

Lisa,
are you getting all of this?

"Most Likely to Not Succeed:
Johnny Detention."

Oh, my. This must be
some kind of mistake.

[water sloshes]

"Most Likely To Commit Patricide:
Stan Flute."

[students gasp]

Cannonball!

[grunts]

That is detention for you,
Johnny Detention.

This place sucks!

[upbeat music]

[theme song playing]

[printer whirring]

Ooh, a crime report
from the school.

Those Pre-Cogs are so creepy.

Still more useful
than the Post-Cogs.

That guy got k*lled.
Nailed it.

[sighs]

Hey Martinez, anything in there
about a gorgeous coroner

smothering a defenseless cyborg
with kisses one day?

I'd hate to get a reputation
around here as a wise sage

whose carefully doled-out advice

is founded on literal centuries
of lived experience, but...

if you wanna get between
the thighs, you gotta advertise.

Sounds better in Latin.

Thought you should see this.

Hey, Stan got a superlative.
Good for him.

You don't know
what patricide means, do you?

[chuckling] What?
Of course I do.

And I'll tell you, right after
I go to the bathroom.

With my phone.
To take some pics of my junk.

To send to my doctor.

My junk's fine,
I'm just harassing him.

[muffled] Wait,
that's what patricide means?

Hey, hey, Flute just found out
his son is gonna m*rder him.

Still batting a thousand.
Up top!

Hope you like drinking urine!

[tires screech]

[gasps]

[both grunt]

Hmm. You're not a threat.

You can fix your little
popsicle stick house now.

It's actually
the Menendez Brothers' mansion.

Everything's perfectly to scale.

Even Lyle's wig.

There, now you can go
k*ll your parents.

[gasps]

What the hell are you doing?

We got a future crime report
that says Stan's gonna k*ll me.

- What are you talking about?
- You know...

[gags, grunts]

[strains, chokes]

Perhaps if you took as much interest
in your son as you do in miming,

he wouldn't grow up to harbor
a murderous rage towards you.

I don't know, maybe try going
to one of his hobby horse games?

Eh, I'll watch one game,
but just so you know,

it's still gonna make me
wanna do this.

[hums]

[yells]

[slurps]

You look like
you're in a good mood.

Hard not to be sitting next
to a handsome, thick manbot.

Me?
How many wines have you had?

And I thought you hated wine.
Who are you?

I'm Off The Clock Wynona.
Can I give you my number?

Of most Adam Sandler movies
watched in a single night?

Mine's six.

[laughs]
We should go out on a date.

To an Adam Sandler movie?

Last I checked,
The Sandman was locked

in a nine-figure
first-look deal at Netflix,

so we can watch at my place.

Call me.

[gutturally] You can do it!

[dinging]

[triumphant fanfare]

Don't let those Pembrooke
girls intimidate you.

We are the ones who ride stick
horses through undemanding

- jumps and turns!
- You got this, Stanbiscuit!

Don't think about the fact
that you always come in last.

- Or that your dad is here.
- Holy horsifer! [gasps]

My dad's never been
to any of my games.

Put it outta your mind, kid!

I'll give you something else
to think about.

Here, it's inappropriate,
but necessary.

[bones rattling]
[murmuring]

[groans]

Hey Wyno.

Because you were
drinking wine last night

when you gave me your number.

[groans] No idea
what you're talking about.

Probably because I have
the worst headache ever.

- I got severed yesterday.
- E-Excuse me?

Severed. It's this new procedure
at Grimsburg Cybernetics.

They snip your brain
so different versions of you

can live different parts
of your life.

Totally new idea.
Never been done.

What did you do that for?

Because my dating life
was garbage.

You'd be surprised
how many guys in Grimsburg

want you to put them in a diaper.

Or maybe you wouldn't.

If you're going
through a hard time,

cut your bangs, not your brain!

Just find someone who loves
you for you, flaws and alls.

No thanks.
I just want to focus on my work.

Finding a guy is
the other Wynona's problem now.

But I genuinely hope
that happens for her.

I have a pretty good feeling it might.
See you later.

A-And by later,
I mean tomorrow. At work.

Not tonight.
At your apartment. Bye!

Forgot to ask everybody, what's

your favorite movie candy?
Wynona, you go first.

[Garren, over P.A.]
Next up,

Stan Flute riding
Cinnamon Rainbow Starship.

[blows whistle]

[Sports Dad] Whoo!

[Stan pants]

Yes! Yes! Go! Go! Go!

[grunts]

[Sports Dad] Heck yeah!

Oh, yeah!

[Stan grunts]
Yeah! Whoo!

[gasping breaths]

Hey, psst.
That kid who came in seventh.

Is that good or embarrassing?

Stan usually comes in dead last,

but he just qualified us
for the playoffs.

Playoffs? [sighs]

Sorry about that. I just got
this weird heat in my chest

as you described
my son's victory to me.

- That's called "pride."
- Pride? But I'm not g*y.

- Well, you made him, didn't you?
- I did.

So, if I made him
and he's good at sports,

then that means...
I'm good at sports!

Thanks, Sports Dad!

Did you see that?

You just got finger approval
from your Dad!

Finger approval...? [sighs]

Well, hey there, bot stuff.

I know it's not
Sandler's best work,

but should we start
with Hubie Halloween?

It's not as seasonally dependent
as you might think.

It appears your mere presence
elevated Stan today.

So he made me proud,
and I made him win.

Kind of
a symbiotic relationship,

like those little birds
who clean alligator teeth.

- Dibs on alligator!
- We would love to see you again.

The playoffs begin Monday
at Pembrooke.

And then back here on the 9th
against Pembrooke.

And the 12th
for the semifinal against...

[mumbling indistinctly]

Nope, nope, nope.

Ah!
Pembrooke!

It is not a popular sport.

Dad, the team is going
for ice cream.

- Can I get some too?
- You can, but you won't.

Far too much sugar
if you want to win.

As your new conditioning coach
and conditional father,

I'll now be tracking your
food intake on Google Sheets.

- Is that clear?
- Aye, aye, Captain!

I wish more parents
were like you,

willing to deprive their
progeny to give them light

body dysmorphia in support
of the all powerful "W"!

Can we go get ice cream?

- Can we? Can we?
- Oh, all right.

- Yes, yes, yes...
- But no toppings!

[squeals]
[claps]

Time! Still too slow.
Is this just horseplay to you?

No. [panting]

Well, it should be.
Take a knee.

The most important thing
I can teach you

is that it's not
whether you win or lose,

it's how you play the game...

is what losing losers say!

Winning is the most
important thing there is.

- More important than integrity.
- [panting]

[Flute] Or democracy.
Or clean drinking water.

You can drink up to four cups
of Jacuzzi water and be fine.

But you can't drink
a single cup of winning.

Doesn't exist.

Run it again.

I couldn't help
but overhear your dad

emotionally waterboarding you.

If wins are what you're looking
for, you're gonna need this.

It's called Clippity Clop.

Rub a little on your stick
and hold on tight.

- Is this even legal?
- Do you want your dad

to slap you on the back
after you win a game or not?

Considering how many times

you've made yourself
choke on jelly beans

just to know
what that pat would feel like,

I'd say, yeah,
take the weird horsey drug.

Staying up talking
about Adam Sandler all night?

I've been waiting for this
my whole life.

Me too! My whole life,

AKA the thirty eight hours

I've spent in this limited space
and time so far.

I'm gonna go make us breakfast.

[electronic ding]

Was that a toaster,
because I can't...

[hums, screams]

- Ah!
- Sorry. You scared me.

You must be a friend
of Off The Clock Wynona.

Uh, how many Wynonas are there?

A lot. She bought
a whole severance package.

Basically, there's an outie

for anything Wynona
doesn't want to do herself.

For cooking. Dating.
Driving.

Saying hello
to her elderly neighbor.

- How does that even work?
- I don't know.

Outside of this room,
I have no idea what happens.

Speaking of, are you
and Off The Clock Wynona

handling each other's evidence?

Well, we did a lot of
hand-holding last night,

if that's what you mean.

It's not,
and that's a good thing.

Stay in here
and keep me company?

I should probably get back to...

Oh.

Also, oh!

[Garren, over P.A.]
Ladies and two gentlemen,

welcome to Month Madness,

where the top hobbyhorse teams
in Grimsburg

- face off to find out...
- Come on. Come on. You got this!

...who will be number one
and who will be the other one!

Yes, yes! Yes!

[Garren, over P.A.]
Stan Flute finishes fifth!

I made him with my body!

Whoo!

[Garren, over P.A.]
Stan takes fourth!

My kid's better than yours.

Which means I'm better than you.
Bye bye!

[roaring]

I worry he doesn't have
the raw calf strength

for a canter flip, but...
Oop, gotta go.

[tires squeal]
[roars, g*nf*re]

[laughs]

[Garren, over P.A.]
Stan takes third!

Can't imagine what's next!

Second place.
Should have seen that coming.

[upbeat romantic music playing]

[romantic music continues]

[cheers, applause]

[gasps]

- Does he want me to...
- Run to him, Stan!

Fulfill our Dirty Dancing
fantasy!

- [gasps]
- Engage your core!

[romantic upbeat music plays]

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

[grunts] Nobody told me
you were this heavy.

Baby's going down. [groans]

[both laughing]

I got you something, Car Wynona.

[gasps]

Sorry! It's just I never thought
I'd find anyone

who would love me
despite all my red flags.

- What red flags?
- A lot of men would consider the fact

my entire existence is confined
to a car a deal breaker.

[scoffs] Not me!

Cars are my favorite
mode of transportation

and Pixar movie...

that's not about toys.
Or Coco.

[screams]

Hmm.

Uh, uh, I'll go take care
of that dangerous puffy pervert.

And they're all special
in their own way!

Oh, you should see Wynona
Who Opens The Thin Produce Bags

At The Grocery Store.

She gets so frustrated.

[laughs] It's adorable.

Again, I hate to be the source
of infinite wisdom.

I really do want you guys
to see me as a good hang,

but if you want the whole pizza,
why settle for slices?

[frustrated grunt]
Ugh, I am so unsevering!

My outies are ruining everything.
They always make me late,

and I'm pretty sure
I'm a little drunk right now.

I thought I could have
a bangin' dating life

and a great career, but...

[sighs]
I guess I was wrong.

Aw, honey.
A woman can't have it all.

Can you imagine
what would happen

- if I had height plus this rack?
- You're right.

I'm gonna book the appointment
first thing tomorrow,

and go back to being
the only Wynona.

[whimpers]

Yeah! [grunts]

Uh, Stan? Bud?

This seems like more
than just looksmaxxing,

which has me worrymaxxing.

What if we play a board game?

Or maybe try wringing out
the ol' skin washcloth again?

I'll be way more hands off
this time.

I don't have time for folly!

No! My Clippity Clop's gone!

Without it, I'll lose everything!

My winning streak,
my dad's love,

my burgeoning musculature!
[gasps]

We have to get more!
[grunts, pants]

Your dad's here. You okay?

I'm better than okay.

I'm a winner.
And I always will be.

O-kay.
This is just a hobby, remember?

It's right there in the name.

This isn't just a hobby horse.
This is a way of life-y horse!

This seems like
an ex-husband problem.

Uh, the problem with Pepper
is her legs are too short.

Or her horse is too long.

Either way, I don't know
what Pentos is thinking

putting her in the three spot.

Do you want me to talk to him?
I can talk to him.

I'll talk to him.

Uh, I need to go
use the bathroom for a while.

Don't come in there.

[gasps]

Sorry, it's just,
you sounded just like me.

I'm fine. Go.

Two Stan Specials, on the house.
Don't let the town down.

Wow. That is... almost there.

Can I speak with your chef?

[music]

What's wrong?
You're acting weird.

Off The Clock Wynona,
I need to tell you something...

Your innie has decided

- to unsever herself.
- [sobs]

Which means we'll never
see each other again,

Elevator Wynona.

[shakily]
I like to push the buttons.

I know you do. I know you do.

Let's enjoy the drive,
Car Wynona,

because it'll probably be our last.

[tires screech]

[sobbing] I can't believe
she's doing this to us!

I know.
I don't want it to end either.

[car horn honks]

But what if it doesn't end?

- What are you...?
- Run away with me!

We'll live in the car.
Eat at drive-thrus.

There's a car wash

with a great deal on wax
and wedding packages.

And we'll need it too,
because we'll have to use

the backseat as a bathroom.
But we'll be together.

You're right!
We can't turn back now.

Because this is
a one-way street.

I told you
I don't have any more!

You want a hit off my inhaler?

Do I look like I have asthma?
[panting]

This is anger-based panting.

Hey, I need to borrow
your glasses to show the...

chef?

Stan, what's going on?

Dad, I have to tell you something.

I've been using Clippity Clop.

You're using per-horse-mance
enhancing drugs?

I need it to win, Dad.

And you said winning is the
most important thing there is.

So help me win. Find me more!

- But after that you're done, right?
- So done.

- And you'll never use that stuff again?
- Never again.

- You swear?
- I swear.

Unless I make All-Stars.

Well,
you're gonna make All-Stars.

[music]

My hobby horse
isn't running so well.

Got anything that might help
his... clippity clop?

Flute?
What... What are you...

Uh-oh.

You're not gonna bench Stan,
are you?

Oh, God, no.

We win and I get a box of
chisel-tipped dry erase markers.

With caps.

But what do you get? Hmm?

When Stan takes it, he wins.

And when he wins, I get to feel
like I did something right.

So he needs this.

Sometimes we need not
what goes in the body,

- but what goes in...
- He injects it in his heart?

I can't watch that.
I get woozy opening a Capri-Sun.

I'm talking about
your dependence,

which is far more dangerous,
for you are addicted to pride.

The pride you feel
when your son doeth well.

- What's wrong with that?
- Nothing.

But you must also
feel it when he doeth not well

or pride will be
the deatheth of you!

Ooh, samples!

[Wynona]
We should really start thinking

about school districts
we want to park in.

With your brains and my driving,

I bet we could end up
with a Lincoln Lawyer.

Hey, look! There's the cemetery

where you threw
your birthday party.

Remember Kang passed out

and we buried him
in a open grave as a joke?

Oh, and I got you
that personal cremator.

You, you don't like
that kinda stuff?

Death? [scoffs] No.

Car accidents are the leading cause

of fatalities for adults age 18 to 35.

My innie must have been
a bad influence on you.

It's a good thing
I'm taking over her life. Phew!

Yeah, I guess you will be
taking over her life.

And that's great. I won't miss
the OG Wynona at all.

You...
You've been driving for a while.

Why don't we switch
and you take a nap?

A nap? I've never slept before.

But people keep telling me
it's good.

Finally! Did you get it?
Where is it?

I got it,
but I also got the best idea

for your opening combo.

What if you start
with half-pass, canter zig-zag,

flying change into,
get this, a leg yield.

[growls]
[grunts]

Just give it to me, old man!

[Pentos]"Most Likely
To Commit Patricide..."

[Flute] Hey, Stan got a superlative.
Good for him.

[Martinez] You don't know
what patricide means, do you?

[gulps]

- You put it on.
- Uh, but I don't wanna...

I can't risk having it
on my hands.

Do it!
Rub it in until it's dry.

[sobs]

[cackles]

Wait, what are we doing
at the precinct?

I'm sorry, but I can't do this
to your innie.

Sure, she can be aloof,
forgetful, and yeah,

she's a little too into death.

But as someone
who's legally dead,

I can honestly say
I've never felt more alive

than when I'm around her.

But she doesn't even want you.
I do!

I know. But if I stay with you,
she won't exist.

And I'd rather be alone
in a world she's in

than in love in a world she's not.

Buckle up, buttercup.

[grunts]

[yells]

[slurps]

[crash]

[electronic ding]

Ugh, I'm so getting unsevered.

This is why no one is watching
Apple TV-plus.

It all comes down to this

in a championship matchup
nobody saw coming,

Pembrooke
versus Grimsburg Middle.

[fireworks whistling]

[upbeat dance music playing]

♪ It's time to get up
Time to move it ♪

♪ Move it ♪

♪ It's time to get up ♪

♪ It's time to rock it now ♪

Cinnamon Rainbow Starship?
You okay?

♪ It's time to rock it now ♪

[slowed] No!

[grunts]

[crowd gasps]

[yells] No!

You might want to shut your eyes
if you don't want fluff in 'em.

But how did you do it?

I saw you put
the Clippity Clop on there.

Or did you?
I took a miming summer intensive

at École Internationale de Mime.

Don't believe me?
Catch.

[grunts] Huh?
Why did you do it?

I wanted to prove
that you didn't need that stuff.

But I clearly did!
I didn't win,

so now you're gonna stop coming
to my games and stuff.

Any idiot
can cheer on a champion.

But it takes a real parent
to love a loser.

Let's go get some ice cream...
loser.

[Garren, over P.A.]
And there it is!

Stan got the pat
he's been waiting for,

and Flute got over himself
long enough to give it.

And now with a new appreciation
for each other,

Father and Son head home...

- Hey, Garren. Seriously?
- I know.

You're not the first person
to grow tired of this voice.

That distinction goes to my wife
who left me just last week.

[laughing]
Talk about a Month Madness!

Hey, how'd
the unsevering surgery go?

I'm never getting a Groupon for
anything but paintball again.

Uh... So...
back to the dating scene, huh?

Nah. I'm done dating.

I might just be too into death
to find love.

Nah. You'll find someone.
I know it.

You're sweet to say that.

[romantic music]

- Why are you staring at me?
- Uh, pizza time!

[printer whirs]

Okay, Harm.
Good news for me, bad for you.

I'm clear,
but the Pre-Cogs have named Stan

"Most Likely to Commit Matricide."

Whoa, calm down. You just
gotta get him a new bed.