01x12 - SpEd

[bunniefuu]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, stop. Come on. You know what you're doing is wrong. If you're going to pick on a nerd, you got to have some flare. How about you send

those dirty glasses through the car wash? Hot wax. Next customer.

Annis, what the Larry? Please tell me you stole those from a nerd.

No, I'm wearing my glasses today because Willard keeps taking my contact lenses.

He uses them as swimming pools for his flea circus.

Get out of the water, Myrtle. You're starting to prove.

I'm sorry, Larry. It's just that Annis, do you have a problem with people who wear glasses?

Well, I think it's tied in with my problem with nerds. Do you want to hear about my nerd problem? No, thank god.

Guess it all started when I was a child growing up in Algebra Acres, a suburb of the quaint little flashbacky town of Los Alamos, the home of America's atomic

weapons program. It was a town made up mostly of scientists and physicists and other such nerdlings. Except for my family, the Hoffards. I was the high school football team.

Face mask. What? yards. I barely touched myself. Come on. Doesn't anyone want to play with me or against me?

Go on, Jock. Go kiss a girl. I'm going to invent.

He stud. They mocked me and said things like how I must be a horse in the sack and anis anis with the giant pennis.

Kids can be so cruel.

Wow, I had no idea that you um Shut up, nerd.

Anis, Larry. Oh, damn. I am so sorry. I will just let me get a piece of tape. And there you go. And keep in mind that if

you can't even keep your glasses from breaking, well then maybe you ought to get Lasic Nerd and it's Larry. Oh, hey. I don't think I can fix those.

Sack up and get Lasic.

He's right. You should sack up and get Lasik. No one likes you in glasses. It's gross. Besides, if you go back to contacts, Willard's going to keep on stealing them.

What? You're Myrtle's agent and she demands a bigger pool. Circus fleas.

And if you put on the glasses, I'm just going to smack them off your nerve face. So, they sec. Well, maybe I should.

Larry, hey, you better watch out. This place is crawling with nerds.

[music]

This, as you know, is a standardized test. If our kids don't do well on this, we're going to lose funding and the very special status we worked so hard to regain last year.

What status was that?

A school that can stay open. No, we're definitely going to have to get these students to pass their test or we'll lose everything. And unfortunately, Mr.

Brema, who teaches the students that they are the key to all of this, had to take the day off. He did? What for?

Didn't you hear? He wanted to have a goodbye with his dying mother. Goodbye.

My god, I have no mother now. [laughter] Well, that was a lot of laughs.

I know. That was a bummer.

I thought goodbye was going to be like a bisexual thing. Oh, you think everything's bisexual.

It's not a joke, you guys. It's really sad.

Well, then it belongs on a freaking episode of House.

Anyway, Mr. Brema teaches a group of students that need to do well. So, Enis will be in charge of inspiring them.

Andis, but that's me. No, no, no. I don't inspire. You're confusing me with Cory Hayes betrayal of Lucas.

Well, if Enis doesn't want to do it, I'll do it. Sue, you can call me your calculator because you can count on me.

I wore that on a t-shirt every day from age six till the dog attack. Stuart, you can't work with these kids.

We all know how gullible you are. I may be many things here, including clinically insane, but I am not gullible, and I resent your hello.

What's this? I just received an electronic mail or electronic M from the prince of Scampi. He needs my $, to

help him regain his throne so he can begin his search for a virgin bride. Stuart, you cannot believe this is real.

I'm sure the fine people at Spam wouldn't have chosen this for their folder if it wasn't legit.

And thanks again for proving my point, Andis, you're on inspiration duty. Oh, but I don't want to inspire Mr. Bremer's class. What about my own class? Can't I not inspire them?

Don't worry about your class. We inflated the substitute.

Oh, the inflatable jiggly armed becker from the tire store.

Wait, David is here. God, he's so sexy in that open Sunday shirt.

Oh, please, Sue. Let me help out David.

Sorry, Helen. Last time I let you do that, we had to get a substitute for the substitute. You mean Tom? That hot hunk of seal.

No, this time I have a very special assignment for you.

How's the special assignment coming?

You said removing this asbestous would make me feel better.

Oh, yes. I didn't finish. I meant feel better about never having kids. Besides, what happened to that hazmat suit I sent over?

Uh, I uh I lost it.

Oh, you're all hands, Matt. Hey, I guess this is what the students call making love. [laughter]

Okay, I'm sorry. I fell for Matt. He was just like David before David started getting high and out of control.

David, you're going limp. Oh, don't worry. I can help you.

No, David, don't be mad. It happens to all guys, baby. I can change.

So, clearly you see why I've chosen you. Oh, yeah. Least to live for. That's me. Still, why can't do it?

Because I'm assigning him to work with the special kids. You mean the slow ones?

No, we rented the slow ones out to do a movie with Cuba Gooden Jr. No, these special students are the super smart ones. The nerds in that trailer account for % of this school's test scores.

So, I'll be using Inennis as a reverse motivational tool, an example of what they must never turn into. Sort of a scared smart program. I just hope he isn't intimidated by these smart kids.

I've always known I'm incapable of inspiring anyone. That's why I became a teacher. Hello, special ed students.

[music] These are the slow kids. They can't tell the difference between inspiration and perspiration.

Oh man, I'm inspiring something bad today.

I'm smiling. This is a smile. I'm not going to eat you.

My name is Enis Hofftard. Can you tell me your names?

Uh, my name is Galileo and I love docahedrons.

Oh god, he doesn't even know what a name is. Okay, I'm going to need to come up with one special name for all of them so that no one will ever be confused. A

name they can't really make fun of. My name is Andis Hoffard. So maybe the Hoffs. No, makes you think of Leotards and that's what h*m* were. And that's offensive to h*m* cuz no,

they don't. Well, they're in special ed, so it must be a way to condense that.

I'm thinking, but usually known as the Hoffwits. No, that's offensive to hot houses. And God knows the Germans have been abused long enough. And you shall be called the Speds.

I love you, Speds.

So, Prince, after I wire $,, how do I get my reward?

Okay, I'll meet you on your yacht off of Steuart. Hang up. It's a scam. Uh, I have to put the phone down. I'm dealing with a real bad case of the old diaroo.

Where are your manners? I'm talking to a prince.

Look, as an older American, I'm the target of every scam, deception, and pennis enlargement trick in the book.

Take it from me, they never work. I mean, if something smells fishy, it is fishy. Especially those fish by mail scams. I should have known that you can't get scraed at perch prices.

Look, if I was really making a mistake, Larry would warn me. He always comes through.

Hey, no glasses. Get the glasses. Hey, walking man walks on.

How many tokens? Oh, actually I'm here about the eye surgery.

Oh, yeah. We do that, too. Let's say tokens.

Well, actually, I'm not sure I'm ready to go through with it, but contacts are expensive, and I'm a teacher, so fine. So, tokens. Is it safe?

Couldn't serve a pizza if it wasn't. All right, teachers, start your exams.

Everyone, write your names at the top of the page and completely fill in the dots or your response will not be counted by the

No, was his name. Oh, yeah. All right, my little speds. It's time for the test. Be sure to use a number two pencil.

Number [laughter] two. You know, that's another way of talking about poop.

It's a little advanced for you guys. I'm kind of working on a Rob Schneider level here. Hey, you know what? Just do the best you can and afterwards we'll go for ice cream.

Ice cream gives me a brain freeze. They told you it was the ice cream, huh?

They always told me it was because my goldfish and I once had a Who Can Survive in each other's environment longest contest. But you know what? You can have it all in life if you just do

one thing. Don't ever let nobody tell you what you can or can't not can, don't, or do, or breathe. That makes no sense.

Of course it doesn't to you. You know, I was in a class like yours when I was a kid.

And you ended up being a teacher. We got to do better on this test.

Wow. I can't believe I'm inspiring you already. Maybe someday someone will make an inspirational movie about me.

Together, they had an IQ of , but the heart of a hundred. Bets the Andis Hofart story starring Christian Bale or

if it's [music] made for TV Tim Daily.

Okay, Happy Helen has filled up that trailer in the parking lot with Asbestous. Haul that flame retardant down to the trash bars. Do you understand?

Yes, I don't. Oh,

[screaming]

and this where is trailer of flaming t*rd. Flaming t*rd? Hey, the kids

in that trailer may be slow, but they're not g*y. No catch fire.

No, that's just a rumor. They can burn just like you and me. They're not magical except maybe in the size of their hearts and their pennises, I guess. Dumps in ocean.

No, they use the big boy potty just like everyone. Well, except for your people, which is why they call it the Dead Sea. Asbestos cancer.

Exactly. They're doing as best as they can, sir.

Hey, that's a good title. As best as they can, sir. You know what? Christian Bale, this is a Michael Sarah.

[music]

Okay, precious beds. Who's ready for a little inspiration?

Oh no, my precious beds have been powderized. No, my speds would taste sweeter than this. This is asbestous.

Oh, so that's what Happy was talking about. God, that would be funny if it didn't mean Happy was hauling a trailer full of my speds to the dump. Wait a minute. This is Florida. We dump our

trash in the harbor. My one chance at inspiring students and they'll end up in the bottom of the harbor. Deutschbach.

Huh? Damn it. Norm Shear was just about to take down her bobby pins. I need your help, my Tessan old friend.

We've got some students to rescue. But who will monitor my students?

It's okay. You can go ahead. We won't cheat. Come on. A B C.

Andis is trying to stop Happy from heading to the harbor with the trailer full of nerds.

But hates nerds like I hate the three bad episodes of Sex in the City. No. do well really want. Oh, who am I kidding? I love them all.

The only hope we have for scoring well on the standardized test is [music] inside that missing trailer. We need to get it back. Andrew, Helen, and Steuart,

you go find Larry. He's the only faculty member with a lick of common sense. And in the meantime, Miracle, you're the science teacher. Just in case that classroom is dumped into the ocean and

we lose all those young tests, I mean students, I need you to take tests and do them perfectly.

Oh, no. I can't. I'm not. I don't I don't I can't take tests. I kind of panic when it's a past fail situation.

Plus, I'm a mother now and my whole focus is on merch. Where is Larry?

I'm ready for my laser eye surgery. And I earned tickets from ski ball for that bottle of saline solution.

Fantastic. Now, Larry, just sit still and keep your eyes open. Try and relax.

Okay, kids, aim for the retinas. Blast those suckers. Run, run, Larry. Makes it more fun for the kids.

[screaming] A excuse me, old timey. Have you seen a trailer full of mental deficients go by?

This is Florida. You're going to have to narrow it down some.

Oh, you'd be so happy you had the laser eye surgery. Within a couple hours, your vision will either be perfect or as our motto says, it won't. Thanks again. And

here's our state of theart recovery room for you to enjoy. Feel free to mingle.

How long did it take you before you could go swimming?

There. There he is talking to that really cute parking meter. Stuart, get him in the car.

Larry, we got to find Happy. He's planning on dropping some students into the harbor. Sure, I'd happily help.

Sorry. It was either knock him out or risk that his willingness to get in the car was just a fake out that would leave me looking gullible yet again. Although,

call me a dreamer. But I still think there's a chance that Scambian prince will show up. I'm sorry. When did you get a g*n?

Anybody else see a g*n? Lenya's leggings. There's the trailer.

If anything happens to those kids, I'll never be able to forgive yourself. I've got to move faster than you drive.

I'm coming for you, my little Spitz. He must be a horse in the sack.

Guys, you got to get better at telling me when I'm going to trip over something. Stop that crane.

Not the red belly endangered one. I'm talking about the man who's controlling that one. [laughter] Stop him.

We need your help. There are students in that trailer. Oh, perfect. I'm ready for my breakin.

Let me guess. Stuart just cold c*ck the crane operator.

Wow. I haven't seen this many cold Sorry. Sensor note. Stuart, we needed him to stop the crane.

You know, you're making it very hard for me to be the guy that always comes through.

These raisin brains taught my raisin heart how to love again. Well, I just hope that I have the raisins to raisin in myself up to save them. Man, I could

go for some raisins. I mean, the real types of raisins. I can't think about that now. And this is here now. No need to panic and start running around in circles.

Silence.

Oh, you're all too focused on your tests. Well, wait. I thought you all had famously tiny attention spans and were easily distracted by shiny objects like

the reflection off my watch. Where'd you go? There it is. I thought you'd be distracted by where'd you go? Look at this.

This does that. This doesn't interest you. A squareus b²= a + b * a - a b.

Does my little rocking guy know his alphabet like that? Oh man, they look like special little guys, but they also kind of look like that kid's not playing

with himself. He's just priming his inhaler. That's not Big Bird. That's Einstein.

Uhoh. I'm getting queasy knees. You're not special like Cuba's kids. You're special like nerds.

I have to do something. Did I do it? Did I save him?

[screaming and groaning]

There it is. Where'd you go? I hit the wrong button, didn't I?

Trailer full of kids got dropped in the water, right? Am I all alone in here?

No, I've been here the whole time. I just thought I should let you make your own mistakes. Nope, not me. You can do it. Don't you give up on me. Briefly, blind Larry.

Damn it. I can't open the door. It's being held shut by all the rapidly rising fish air. Don't panic. Stay small, Alice. Tight like a pill bug.

Think pleasant thoughts. Hey, little guy. What's your name? I'll call you Whiskers.

Forget my name, man. They're going to destroy you. They're just toying with you like a freaking mouse on a string.

Hey, you couldn't hook me up with a mouse on a string, could you? Or at least get that reflection on the wall back. There it is. Where'd you go?

I've got to get out on that trailer. How far away is it? Couple steps. Pretty close, actually. Yeah, I'm just thinking just the one. It's just the one.

No. No. Who do you think I am, Steuart? Oh, like I'd go along with anything.

Well, it's a lot more than one. Let's count it. What? The steward is not coming, Prince.

But he wired me the money. Have I been scammed? Oh, I'm so gullible. It was too.

Your royal highness. You really came?

It's me, Stuart. I guess I'm not so gullible after all. Are you okay from that foul?

Oh, don't worry. I had a red pen in my pocket. It must have kebabed my liver or something.

Larry, where the hell are you? I'll never make it out of here alive. Well, actually, by my calculations, this trailer is surprisingly buoyant. We should be fine.

Damn it. I've got to come through. He always comes through. We're in danger.

So, how would you like your $ million reward? In gold, in diamonds, in virgins, or door number four?

Virgin. Diamonds. Get medical attention immediately.

[cheering]

Door number four.

Well, I suppose I should take the money because, as you can see, I'm swimming in red ink. But I guess the only non-gullible choice is door number four.

You can always use an extra door and some free question marks.

Oh, you don't get the door. You get what is behind it.

Oh my god, my own creaky crazy kooky crappy crab. Yeah,

I can't do it, Sue. I can't do all these tests. Okay, I'm dumb. They always told me I was dumb.

Hey, don't ever let anybody tell you you can't do something, girl. Great. Can I go then?

No, you can't do that. What a dumb question. No.

I've got a boat, but the trailer's taking on water. You're going to lose your smartest kids and your dumbest teachers. Think you have time to get them all out?

I don't know. There's students and I'm on a lousy dinghy that's leaking with a pair of junk water skis and an assistant principal who is also leaking.

I don't think there's any way we can get all the kids and us out in time.

Nerds, what do you think? Can you figure out a way to get us all off? Got it. No, we can't. Don't.

Um, there we go. Hey. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. I realized the second I said it won't happen again.

Do wait, that's it. A docahedron, a -sided structure that disperses its weight evenly and can therefore be carried by one strong man. But it'd have

to be really strong, like one of those horse in the sack guys here. Lookie. See, I gave him a tail. A docahedron.

Of course, it could work. But we'd need you, Mr. Hofftard. We'd need your invaluable bra.

Wow. So, I have inspired you. Somebody finally likes me for my prawn.

Nerds hold together. It's working. It's working.

The old mannequin in the sea. Nothing can go wrong now.

[screaming]

What can I say? I've got a type.

I did it. I inspired those kids. Those nerds are going to go farther than they ever dreamt.

Yeah, I'm thinking Haiti. Maybe with the tides and wind.

You know what? I don't care if we do get sued.