01x13 - High School Musical Musical On

[bunniefuu]

[music]

Today I'll let you kick the ball. If you don't, you'll regret it.

Isn't it odd how every opening night the two student [music] leads get sick and Andrew and Helen have to fill in for them?

What I find odd is that every opening night the supply closet is chained shut with six extra padlocks.

I told you you'd regret it,

[screaming]

line is to the left of me to the right. Here I am stuck in a standoff with you.

Leave it to a dog to bring a bone to a gunfight.

Here's the up.

I'm going to stop you right there. Your latest production was a disaster. Nobody liked Reservoir Snoopy Dogs. Not even with his alternate title, Jackie Charlie Brown.

Well, I thought our production was topnotch. It's like a freakish combination of two things that shouldn't go well together, but do kind of like us.

Your plays are just freakish combinations of two things that shouldn't go well together and don't.

Like you two. Let's review your crummy track record. Night of the Living Oklahoma

[groaning]

or one of your more recent catastrophes.

Well, I've always relied on the kindness of strangers [music] to k*ll each other in my basement.

A street car named Saw three. This is one way to get ahead in show business.

Well, that Willer disembowment was all Helen's idea. As are all our great finales.

Well, here's a finale for you. I'm tired of you two using the drama department to act out your rude infant town fantasies.

Either come up with musical like you're in town or that's it. In three weeks, I'm shutting down the department.

I can't have my teachers running around acting like grown-up teenagers. Shut. It's time you act like adults.

What? It's Kgnac. I've had enough public embarrassments. Lousy plays thanks to Andrew and Helen.

A losing school academic team thanks to Stuart. That animated show based on our exploits. women.

Hey, I needed a quick $. She's yelling at everyone and telling them to stop acting like children. Not enough of a story yet. All right, I'll call you

when something funny happens. Probably about minutes or so.

It's time all of you start acting your age.

Sue's right. We're teachers. We need to set a grown-up example. We can't spend our lives in arrested development.

Not more than years. Anyway, I for one am ready to act like a mature role model like Marcus Welby to on ABC or Perry Mason to CBS or Mr.

President Fox weeks . You're watching Sit Down. Shut up on Fox. Whoa. How'd you get so good at trivia?

It only happens when I'm drunk. I get drunk. I know trivia. You know, sort of like that Disney film, The Computer Who Wore Tennis Shoes. That film won no awards.

Let me get this straight. When you're sober, you're just dumb old inis. But when you're drunk, you have total recall.

Yes, I remember every bit of trivia and some hip-hop lyrics, but absolutely nothing that happens to me.

And if we could somehow use these powers, it could be our key to winning the academic decathlon.

Gee, I don't know if this is such a good idea. Isn't it dangerous to exploit Inis's drinking problem just to bring some glory and money to the school?

Well said. Let's do it. Inis, have you ever thought about being on an academic decathlon team? Have you ever thought about I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Oh brother, in weeks it's over for me.

Back to working cheap old double on tandras. The bisexual bar where I specialized in sex on the beach and Harvey Wallbangers. Also, I was a bartender.

Don't give up yet. weeks was more than enough time to mount a big a*s production.

I won't even on Tandra that. I'm going to holster that on Tandra. And I won't even on Tandra the holster. Oh, now I'm thinking about holsters. The g*y bar in

the lubricant district. But there's not a play out there good enough to save the department.

Because you haven't written it yet. You know what will make this one different?

[music] For the first time, Drew, you'll write about how you really feel. It'll come straight from the heart.

Ballsy. That's it. I've been wasting all this time trying to put on big glitzy productions when all along it should have been coming from inside me. Make no double on Tandon for that.

Yeah. Something deep, something personal.

Like Disney's [music] High School Musical. But I'm going to make my next production about a high school drama teacher trying to stage a production of

High School Musical. Helen, you're my muse. If you were a woman or even a man, I'd totally kiss you.

And if you were a robot or a chair, I'd consider it.

Oh, brother. Setting a musical in a high school is too hard. All my characters are so hack. The humorless bureaucratic principal. The flaming drama teacher who

spews nothing but double entandras out of his blow hole. Oh, blow hole. That's a good one. Maybe this will help.

[screaming]

What are you doing? You said I was your moose. Oh, sweets. I said muse, not moose. Where did you get those antlers anyway?

Well, I'm certainly not dating a moose head I met at a hunting lodge.

[laughter]

Hey, don't worry about figuring out what you're going to write about. You'll figure it out and then you'll write about it. Just go back to the mating calls.

As you wish.

[groaning and screaming]

Anybody seen lunch headed this way?

[music]

Okay, Gabriella. Troy, we're going to stop you right there. Troy, you're a basketball jock. Watching you sing was embarrassing. Gabriella, you're a beautiful science nerd. Non-existent.

Now, I'm going to give you both advice. Stick to what you know, the status quo.

And next, I'm having a problem with these students. I just don't think they have the experience to play students. So, who can we get?

There's only one group of people around here with the vacant gays, the lack of life experience, and the sheer hopelessness to play students. The

teachers. [music] Attention everyone. I'd like you to meet your new teammate. His name is Donnie.

He's years old and he likes Taylor Swift and having a good time with his buddies.

Negative. That's Mr. Hoffard. He terrorizes us in our trailer.

Hey, that's right. Your name is Sebastian. You like to play boggle and you masturbate to that poster of the planets.

Just keep him supplied with this brain juice. As long as he's on it, you might have a chance at beating our arch rivals from Nerston Prep tomorrow night.

Guys, I think that in here can be a big help to our team. And I'm not just saying that because I've been drinking my confidence juice.

So, you're going to bring us all together and show us how to win as a team?

Yeah, I'm just going to get hammered and answer all the questions. Maybe hit on a few of your moms if they're doable. Oh, Sebastian, how's mama? Rate her on a

cale of one to damn. Come on. You came out of there. What's it like?

Wait till he wakes up and finds out you've got two mothers. My lollipop. I love my lollipop.

This makes it so much easier. We don't even have to go through the pretense.

I'll play the lead and you, mimuse, can play my male or female love interest. I haven't decided yet.

Yeah, we'll be the leads and we'll get the other schmos to yuts it up. Look at me. I sound like a big Hollywood accountant.

Hi, uh, Yutsing Schmo here. I'm here to read the role of the well-meaning basketball coach whose thoughtful plans never quite work out as intended.

Insert a picture of the black guy.

Oh, come on. Be reasonable. I am this part. Look, he's going to cry. I'm not going to cry. There he goes.

All right, you two obviously get off on hating people. This is a stupid musical and obviously just your chance to make a bunch of in jokes and lame parodies. I don't want any part of it.

Wait, come back. Do that again.

What? This? This is a stupid musical and I don't want any part of it.

Kid, you just got the part of the mean school principal who tries to shut down production.

Oh, really? Oh. [laughter] Oh, it's been such a long road for me. Thank you.

Sue tell me to come down and check out crap that's on stage, but I know see actual feces.

H, you sang the national anthem so well a couple episodes ago. Care to audition?

My sorry, I don't read well, but here go.

I am the very model of a modern high school janitor. Familiar with each piece of gum on every high school banister. I know the different cleansers and the solvents in each canister. From rosa

breaks to urinal cakes that look just like B Lancaster.

I'm very well acquainted too with every single unplush poo installs that do come vandalized with scribblings that would scandalize. It's really quite too much to bear from it sucks the sue is here. I

am the very model of a modern high school janitor. Uh did you understand a word of that?

Sorry, I was thinking about myself. Next. Okay. Oh, there it is. Vecs.

Good evening. I'm Roger thesaurus and welcome to Braingasm, the nonsexual academic quiz show. Now I must ask contestants not to buzz in until I've

completed the question. Yes, Annis, you buzzed. Totally wasted. Thanks for asking.

Our first category is word origins. The Romans coined the word salary based on this valuable salt.

Yes. [cheering] points. Knob Haven. I must remind you to hold your buzz.

And I must remind you that's what happens when bodies start slapping. Our next category, famous waterways.

Eerie Canal, CNO, Panama Canal, St. Lawrence Seaway.

[applause]

That is points, not Haven. But please, if I could just do my job, you wouldn't be stuck hosting high school quiz shows. Am I right?

[music]

Hey, way to win one for the school.

Yeah, with my new production and you leading the team to victory last night, the school can finally be proud again. I did something last night.

You know, I hate to say this, but I'm actually proud to be a part of something. I was so inspired that I was up all night writing a whole new number

for me to sing. Check it out. We get to make our own musical. It's just going to be me and it's real unusual, not unusable. You like it?

Uh, yeah.

Little baby, don't you fret. Mama's going to take you to a vet. He'll give

you a nicle dip, then insert a micro chip with his big and beefy hands. He'll

express your a**l glands. Go to sleep. Don't be afraid.

When you're awake, you'll be neutered or spade.

OMG, miracle. I never knew you could sing like that. It's like you could be the lead in Wicked. Wicked? What's that? It's a musical based on Wizard of Oz.

Wizard of Oz? What's that? It's a movie based on a book. What's that?

It's a thing people read that's printed on paper. Listen, just come by the auditorium.

Auditorium? Oh, I know that place. Oh, it's where all those really bad musicals are.

Out of my way. Coming through. Female lead. Miracle [music] crow. Helen clinch. Boy number two.

Andrew. You cast Miracle as director's booty wonderful friend. How could you? You promised that role to me.

Sorry. I had to do what was best for the show. And Miracle has the best voice I've ever heard. She's like Julie Andrews to the power of Enya, subdivided

by the McGaragle sisters. Well, good luck finishing your stinking musical, cuz I quit. Find yourself another moose. I already did.

Theodore, how could you? I thought we added understanding.

Yes, I'm one heartbeat away from boy number one.

Okay, people, rehearsal time. Now, let's block this scene. Basketball coach stands here. boy number two over here.

And the meanie school principal, Larry, you Oh, whoa. I think you overdid your costume a bit. No. Do you really need two fat suits?

I'm Sue. The real Sue. And I'm just here to remind you that this travesty better be spectacular or I'm shutting down your department and tearing down the theater.

Next time, warn me when you're not Sue.

Okay. And Miracle, my darling, you sit here center stage with me. This is the big scene where the director talks to his BFF.

Best friend, huh? We used to have something special.

Oh, hi, Happy. So, Happy, we're both rejects now, huh? Say, you're from a place where people do violent things at the drop of a hat.

Tampa, how'd you like to make this musical real interesting?

Welcome [applause] back to Brain Gasm semifinals. Knob Haven is ahead [music] points to points for St. Mary School for Nerdy Girls. Let's take this

moment to meet the teams. My name is Aisha Aboud, captain of the St. Mary's calculations.

Oh, I'll give you points to subtract your shirt. Hey, Rodney, why don't you slide those points over?

Wait a minute. Slide them back. Aisha, button your shirt. Let's get back to the match. The category is prehistoric man.

Who was the first homminid to walk erect? Me. You don't want to see me walking around right now. [laughter] Rodney, sound effect me. Oh, that would be Oralopythecus Epherenis.

points. Knob Haven. Next category.

Technological boners. All right, I'm going to skip that one and go right ahead to calling the game before we have any more spontaneous outbursts.

Chinese paint trail. Help a brother out, Rodney.

Knob Haven wins. You are going to the championship.

You did it. We did it. Yay. I'm so glad I took my Colombian jumping powder. Hooray. Does this dress make me look fat?

Yes, it's perfect. But my breasts look like two tube socks full of nickels. I made them myself.

Andrew, I was thinking I could wear these glasses. That way I can really appear to be your wonderful witty friend. The sum foots of any two sides of a picin beagle is equal to the barefoot of his remaining side.

That's great.

Yeah, I finally watched the Wizard of Oz. Though I stopped watching when I realized it was in black and white. Oh, here. Listen to my big line. Hey BFF,

ready to humidify people with our rapers wit?

That's humiliate people with our rapier wit. M Why is it rapier? Wouldn't it be better if it was less rapey?

I'll just change the lines. And you know what? Ditch the glasses. They only emphasize the irony of me casting you. minutes to curtain.

Oh my god. This show is going to b*mb.

It's going to be a big stinking pile of crap.

This big stinking pile of crap will make great b*mb for sure.

People, tonight is very important to all of us, but mostly me. Now, I haven't written the finale yet.

The finale is minutes from now. What are you waiting for? Inspiration.

Well, how about this? The finale is minutes from now.

Look, I know I can get this done if at least one of you believes in me. I believe near you.

Just wanted to check that you folks are ready for the big championship tonight. Going to have some stiff competition. Your opponents are from Morai Wanghai.

the half Jewish, half Asian school. I heard that their SAT scores are through the roof and that they negotiated a good deal to repair the roof.

Yep. So, you guys better be on your toes.

Who is that? What the hell is this place?

He's sober. He didn't have his brain juice. That means his brain is bone dry.

Relax, Sue. I made an executive decision when I was scooping him up from the gutter this morning. Our boy doesn't need brain juice. He's smart on his own.

Don't curtain. Don't you see? Booze was just a crutch for Inennis. He never really needed it. I'll prove it to you. Who invented the telephone?

I vaguely remember someone named Thomas Jeffen.

Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. This is full of dummies. No, that's not it.

Maybe. No, I'm not even going to bother reading this one. Why can't I write this finale?

Maybe if I just close my eyes and click my ba*ls together.

Maybe you can't write it because you're missing something. Jack apple. Jack apple. Jack apple. Jack apple.

Weird. Okay, that did not go well. One of my boobs broke on stage and there's nickels everywhere. Willard put gum on the bottom of his shoes and he's tap dancing to pick up the coins.

So, no pressure. But the finale.

I found some cologne in the h*'s dressing room. I'm going to make Annis drink it.

No, like Ireland. He needs to learn he can be smart without alcohol. Just watch my boy go. Circumference. James K. Pulk. Cicero.

Meet Tide. Janet Dean. The two finger skinnoo. And six. Yes.

I haven't asked a question yet. And we're not in a montage. Morai Wang won the coin toss. They'll select the first category. We'll select famous Chinese rabbis.

Correct. points. Not haven.

I can do this. I don't need alcohol. I just have to get my head in the game.

Get my get my head in the game. What the are you talking about, man? Get your head in the game.

Now that you say it, it sounds pretty lame.

Damn straight. It's lame. You don't belong here.

Why must you appear and confirm every fear?

Cuz I'm a magical cat. Now lick your rear.

Okay, we're going to ignore that and go right to our next category. famous Chinese accountants.

[music]

Hi, BFF. I can't believe it's the end of senior year for our th graders.

Yeah, it's the perfect time for us to r*pe people with our rappers wit.

No, it's the perfect time to rip on people with our rapier wit. Rapier, right? Let me try it again.

We're in the middle of the play. You can't do it again. Just get out of here. I'll do it myself. Crappy Arabia. I don't know.

Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this myself. You might as well all leave, too.

What are you waiting for? This is the end. I messed up. I screwed my muse, and now I'm paying the price.

You screwed a moose? Let me guess. You mounted it against the wall.

[laughter]

My muse.

What are you doing? If you're here to sabotage my show, you are too late.

I'm here to save it. One freakish thing alone doesn't work. But two freakish things together. Oh, that's theater gold, my friend. Follow my lead. Welcome

to Apocalypse. Now that's what I call a high school musical.

Here we are at the end. But not for me and my friend. If you ask, will we last?

We will say it depends. We depend on each other.

[cheering]

Here and now. It's time for some destruction. Bring it all to the ground. Yeah. Yeah.

Tearing [music] things down is fun when you have to laugh at those. Yeah. Yeah.

The horror. The horror. The horror.

Everyone say the horror. [music] The horror.

Come on, let's have some fun. [music] This is the best musical I've ever seen.

Of course, I never been out of Central Florida before.

I got to hand it to you. You finally put on a show where the audience didn't walk out. Though some are being led out in stretchers, I'm not going to destroy the

theater after all because you already demolished it.

So why, Helen, after the way I treated [music] you, why would you save my show?

Because even after all that abuse, you're still my BFF. It's the kind of paradoxical motivation that's possible because I have incredibly low self-esteem.

Me, too.

We won the tournament. Hey, this fire is new.