01x10 - Lying Pig

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on Wonderfalls.
- Have a pancake.

- I don't want a pancake.
- Were you just talking to the cow creamer?

- What did you say?
- Girl needs a boy.

- Eric's phone. Who's calling?
- His wife.

His cheating wife?
The one who broke his heart?

Her name's Heidi.
She was my college sweetheart.

Married in Jersey. Honeymoon in Niagara.
It was like a fairy tale...

- until I caught her with the bellman in our room.
- Sweet.

I just feel like
there's something here.

We should absolutely
have a date.

- Are you breaking up with me?
- I'm just keeping you safe.

If you don't wanna be with me, that's fine.
But don't tell me it's for my own good.

Human interaction
is scary.

That's why you're using your animals
as an excuse to avoid risk.

I have to go.

Jaye?

Hello, Eric.

Okay. I guess I didn't
expect you to rush over...

and take me in your arms,
but at least say something.

We're closed.

I'm your wife, Eric.
You have to talk to me sometime.

- How'd you get in here anyway?
- I bribed the busboy.

The same way you "tipped"
the bellman on our honeymoon?

What I did was... unforgivable.

But here I am anyway,
begging you to forgive me.

Don't get on your knees.
Wouldn't help your case much.

- You're trying to hurt me.
- Yeah. How am I doin'?

I want you to get mad, Eric.

That's what you're supposed to do.
Scream at me.

Call me names. Throw things.

I've had a really bad night.

You might wanna go.

I'm not leaving.

- Not without you.
- It's not gonna happen, Heidi.

I made a mistake.

For better or for worse.
Those were the vows.

You're gonna talk
to me about vows?

They meant something to you.
I know they did.

I wasn't the only one
who made promises.

And I didn't break mine.

Who's Jaye?

You said her name
when you came in.

Did she help you get over me?

I understand.

Now let me help
you get over her.

Jaye?

This is Heidi, my wife.

Heidi, this is Jaye,
my ex, or something.

Uh, you two should chat.

You have a lot in common.

I need some air.

So, you're the reason...

my husband stayed in Niagara Falls.

Excuse me?
Uh, I think you're the reason...

your husband stayed
in Niagara Falls.

- I'm not the one who broke your wedding vows.
- Mend what is broken.

- He's still my husband.
- What did you say?

Mend what is broken.

Uh, we're still married,
so you need to back off.

- Mend it.
- You can't make me.

You don't think so? If you're looking
for a fight, you'll get it.

Eric is leaving with me.

I don't care how long it takes.

Mend what is broke-

- Hello?
- Mahandra?

- Uh-
- Oh, God.

Sorry. I must've misdialed.
Go back to sleep.

- Hello?
- Hi.

- Jaye!
- Yeah.

- Uh, listen. Could you come over right away?
- Why? What's wrong?

Nothing. Everything.
Don't ask questions.

- Just get over here.
- I'm on my way.

Jaye's having a crisis,
and my car's in the shop.

You think you could drop me
at the trailer park?

Hey, what's wrong?

Nothing. Everything.

- You sound like my sister.
- I am not your sister!

I mean, I had a very nice time.

Thank you.

You had a very nice time?

Yes, very nice.

It was very nice.

Also, very wrong.

Or it would have been wrong
if it in fact had happened.

But it didn't.

- It didn't?
- Nope, never happened.

- Because that'd be-
- Wrong.

Right! I mean, we practically
grew up together.

Your family's always been
like a second family to me...

which makes you like my-

Oh.

- Oh, God. Oh, God!
- Oh!

Oh, no, no!

I don't know what
you were expecting, Karen.

You know what these
medical conferences are like.

Yes, like an all-night
poker game, evidently.

While your wife sits alone in her
hotel room in her new untried teddy.

- Hey, Mrs. T., Mr. T.
- Good morning, dear.

Hey.

There was a teddy?

- Who is it?
- It's me!

Whoa, hey, oh.

And how long
has this been going on?

I don't know. Two months?
More than two months?

Remember the 'sode I had at work
when I passed out? That's when it started.

- So it's not just the cow creamer?
- Uh-uh.

Interesting.

No, not interesting!
Crazy.

Right? It's crazy
that a person would think...

inanimate objects were talking to them,
telling them to do things.

And crazier that a person would feel compelled
to do the things the inanimate objects...

were telling them to do.

Please tell me it's crazy.

Do you want it to be crazy?

I want it to be over.

Do they ever tell you
to... hurt people?

Let's just say the thing they're
telling me to do now would hurt.

- Something's talking to you now.
- Not right this second.

- Mend what was broken.
- Okay, now.

- Was it this?
- No. That's a saltshaker.

- Yeah.
- It doesn't have a face.

It has to have a face.

And from what I can tell,
it has to be an animal face.

Um-

You're surrounded
by things with animal faces.

I know.

Crazy, right?

What's with the broken glass everywhere?
Was there an earthquake?

You could say that.

Oh, right.

Bad night, huh?

- I'm guessing yours was better.
- What are you accusing me of?

Are you saying I'm glowing?
I'm not glowing.

I mean, maybe I am.

I am a woman of color.
We just do that, all right?

I just meant the shrew
who ruined my life...

showed up here last night
to ruin my life some more.

Oh, that.

Look, she may be confused,
but she's not a shrew.

- You're defending her?
- Well, it's my job.

Plus I might have kinda...

encouraged her to do the deed.

You didn't even know me then.

How did you encourage my wife
to give the bellman "room service"?

Your wife? I thought
we were talking about Jaye.

No, I'm talkin' about Heidi.
She showed up here last- Wait a minute.

You encouraged Jaye
to break up with me?

I thought we weren't
talking about Jaye?

You know what?
Forget it.

Jaye's the least of my problems
right now anyway.

And here comes most of 'em.

Heidi, what are
you still doing here?

I told you.
I'm not leaving without you.

I managed to rent
our honeymoon suite.

Why don't you come back there with me
and let me make things right?

You want me to go back there?
Are you out of your mind?

Didn't really think that one
through, did you?

Eric, please. I love you.

I stayed away as long
as I thought it was good for us.

You got some of your frustration
out with that... girl...

Jaye, and that's good.

Oh, please! First of all...

if you think Jaye made him
less frustrated, you're sadly mistaken.

And what he did and what you did,
not even in the same league.

Eric made a friend, okay?
You, like, did it with your brother.

Because at a hotel,
they make you feel like family.

I know you wanna come home.

You were too easy to find.
If you wanted to stay lost, you could have.

What makes you think I'm lost?

Maybe I just like it here.

I'm supposed to believe you dropped out
of your whole life to work in a bar?

You were my life, Heidi...

and you're the one
that dropped out.

This is a good idea-
a good idea.

I should have gotten
rid of these things a long time ago.

Sometimes they keep me
up at night.

- How's that list coming?
- Um, it's, uh- It's done.

Is this everything?

Everything I could think of. Yeah.

Dad's lawn flamingos.
All of them?

What's the difference?

Good point.

Okay, well, you're the only thing...

with a face in here now.

This trailer is clean, kind of.

All right, you, uh, stay put.
Sweat it out.

Try to get some rest.

Mm-hmm.

What are you gonna
do with 'em?

Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.

Oh, I didn't drive.
Can I borrow your car?

Thank you.

Don't worry about it.

...they like aren't good for them.

We rarely agree, except
when it comes to breakfast.

Jamakin' Bacon does bacon
right and healthy.

- Slow cured from center cut-
- Mend what was broken.

Damn it!

Mend what... was broken.

Hey.

Hey.

Thanks for calling.

Least I could do.

So you hit her with a TV, huh?
Must have been some fight.

Heidi's not un-scrappy.

Oh.

Well, no. She, um-

She was just standing outside my window
when I got mad at my TV.

Never even knew she was there.

Oh.

So, uh, last night at the bar-

You raced in, I raced out. Was there
something you were coming to tell me?

Mend what was broken.

Oh, no. Not really.

Right. Guess I better
go check on my wife.

Spit out your gum.

Jaye. What are you doing here?

- Is everything okay?
- Just here with a friend.

Ooh, a very handsome friend.

- He's here to check on his wife.
- Oh.

What a very thoughtful husband.

Follow my finger.

Well, it looks like you have a mild concussion.
I think you'll pull through.

Are you the husband?

- Eric?
- I'm here.

What happened?

Are we in Ireland?

No, you're still in Niagara Falls.

You, uh-
You had an accident.

An accident?

Oh, no! On our honeymoon?

- Really? With a television?
- Mm-hmm.

Were there riots?

No riots. I just
threw it out the window.

But it was an accident,
you know, if the cops ask.

Oh. Who is she?

- Nobody.
- You don't remember anything about the incident, Mrs. Gotts?

Missus.
I love being a missus.

No, I don't remember it at all.

She seems to be missing
a couple other details too.

Well, you can fill me in
on the way back to the hotel.

No, no, I can't recommend you go anywhere
just yet. Complications can develop.

And if you're experiencing memory loss,
you want to consult a specialist.

- He's right. You should stay here.
- What?

Baby, I'm fine.

- You don't remember anything, Heidi.
- Well, that's okay.

We're here to make memories.

I'm not spending my honeymoon
in a hospital bed.

Maybe in a bed.

You should just listen to the doctor.

Checkout time!

No! She shouldn't.

She seems fine.
You should check her out.

You are my new best friend.

I'll have to ask you to sign a release stating
you understand this is against my advice.

- We will. Not a problem.
- I'll get the forms.

- What are you doing?
- What do you mean?

Did you get hit on the head too?
She's not my responsibility.

What were you gonna do? Just leave her
all by herself in the hospital?

- Yeah.
- You can't do that.

- Why not?
- Because you're not that guy.

You're just not.

Isn't this place
supposed to be clean?

You read Karen Tyler.
You're a woman after my own heart.

Thank you.

Oh, you are Karen Tyler.

Uh, Frank Chambers.
I've read all your books.

We've traveled together, you and I.
Kindred spirits, really.

Until you broke my heart.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

You did with your otherwise
poetic exploration of Ireland.

You called Dublin a tired burg
full of workaday drunks...

barely dragging themselves
from pub to pub.

It was never the same
between us after that.

As I recall, a man vomited on my shoe
as I stepped out of the taxi.

- Well, that will happen.
- And then again...

as I went out for breakfast
the following morning.

Well, your shoes haven't fared
much better here.

You wouldn't write Niagara up
as a burg full of gum-droppers, would you?

Well, Doctor, uh, I do appreciate
feedback from my fans...

but I do stand by my reviews.

Then I will make it my mission
to change your mind.

Over dinner, perhaps?
Come on, Karen Tyler.

One dinner in the pursuit
of truth in journalism.

I promise not to vomit
on your shoes.

Oh!

I'll never get over this view.

Sweetie?

Let's get you to a chair.

Oh, baby. I'm fine.

You don't have to worry, really.

But you're going to
anyway, aren't you?

And that's why I love you.

I am so sorry
I ruined our honeymoon.

But I'm okay now.

And we're gonna be okay.

I promise.

Get off your knees.

Stay.

Be back.

Brain damage suits her.
I mean, you know, she seems nice.

Maybe more like the girl
you married?

It's probably a good thing she
can't remember what happened.

Just because she can't remember doesn't
mean I can forget. So, what is this?

You figure if you can get me back together
with my wife, that makes you less of a flake?

No, I-
You think I'm a flake?

Last night you told me to run.

So I did what you said.
I ran.

But then you came after me. Why?

- I-
- Mend.

- I think she's been in there for a really long time.
- Mm-hmm.

Maybe you should check on her.

You're her new best friend.
You check on her.

I'm late for work.

How's this for room... service?

Pretty.

Mm-hmm.

Mom met a man!

A fan, Sharon. A fan. I dropped my books
at the hospital, and he helped me pick them up.

- And they say chivalry is dead.
- Perhaps you know him, Darrin.

Dr. Frank Chambers?

Frank Chambers? Oh, yeah.

You know he said something about being
a fan of your work. Didn't I mention that?

No. No, you didn't.

- Must have slipped my mind.
- He invited me to dinner.

- What?
- Don't worry.

It didn't slip my mind
to mention that I'm married.

Well, he knows you're married, Karen.
I mean, he works with your husband.

Besides, he's new in town.
He doesn't know many people.

If he invited you out, I think
it'd be kind of rude not to accept.

I know you are not actually suggesting
that Mom go out with another man.

Why not?
He's a promising young doctor.

- Maybe she can charm him into buying you dinner next.
- No!

I do not want dinner!
And neither does Mom!

Right?

Actually, I'm feeling
a wee bit peckish.

Ooh, she mixed Romano
with the Parmesan.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Lovely.

Are those my flamingos?

- No.
- Oh.

He's probably down
in the gift shop.

Watch, he'll come back in here with flowers
or some cute little stuffed animal.

God, I hope not.

He's always doing those
thoughtful little things.

Yeah. I mean,
he seems like the type.

He is.

He really is.

- Sounds like a lot of pressure.
- Mm. You have no idea.

I mean, good pressure.

Sometimes it's like...

I look in his eyes...

and the way they... see-

the way they see me-

It's like you're reflected there.

Right.

Only you're not sure if that's you...

- if you're the woman he sees you as.
- But you wanna be.

You try to be.

And you feel like
if he sees you that way...

maybe you can be.

That's what I want.

I want to be the woman
Eric sees me as.

For both of us.

He must've forgotten his key.

Eric.

Hey, I, uh-
I saw you checked back in.

I waited till I saw him leave,
like last time.

Oh, my God. You remember.

What?

You don't have amnesia, do you?

If you tell Eric,
I will m*rder you in your sleep.

I swear.

Faking amnesia?

How Days Of Our Lives
can you get?

Oh, please.
This whole thing is your fault.

While normally that'd be true, this time
I'm quite certain you're the crazy one.

- You hit me with a television!
- It was a portable.

When I woke up, I really thought
I was on my honeymoon.

For a second.

But you're the one who insisted
Eric bring me back here!

Fine. I'm the crazy one.
But I had the snake!

Well, it's my snake,
and I want it back.

The snake,
that's a p*nis reference, right?

No! God! With a mind
that works like that...

no wonder you cheated
on your honeymoon.

Okay, glass house, giant stone.
I cheated once.

You've been involved
with a married man for months!

The bellman, lady,
on your honeymoon.

Between us, you win
the skanky h* contest.

I was practicing, okay?
I had never done it before.

- Don't even try it.
- It's true.

I mean, uh- I had done it
on vegetables and things-

- Oh, God!
- But it's not the same.

I made Eric wait until after the wedding,
and he had been so patient.

I just wanted to get it right.

I made a mistake, okay?
I made a mistake!

You ruined him. He can't even
walk past a chapel...

without having
an anxiety attack.

And there's a lot
of chapels in this town!

I'm sorry. Okay?

I said I was sorry.

Well, I hope you and
your sorriness will be very happy.

Uh, where are you going?

I think I'll go help Eric practice.

You might not wanna do that.

He's my husband,
and he loves me.

And I'm not letting you
get in the way of that.

You really need to
take your hand off me.

Not until you close the door.

Okay.

You're eating popcorn?

It's low-fat.

Where's your wife?
My mother? Your wife?

She's upstairs getting dressed.

Exactly. She's getting dressed
for a date with someone other than you...

my father, her husband.

Sharon, you're being ridiculous.
Your mother is dining with a fan.

And it's because our marriage is so strong
that I don't have a problem with that.

- Really? Have you seen her?
- Well, I haven't-

Sharon, I thought you were going
to get me a safety pin.

Oh, that must be Frank.

Well, I guess the bra strap
will just have to show.

Get your mother a safety pin
right now.

- Dr. Chambers.
- Dr. Tyler. How are you?

Fine. I'm fine.
Why wouldn't I be fine?

- Hello, Frank.
- Hello, Karen.

I'm so glad you changed your mind.

Frank, drink? Popcorn?

I got it! I got it.

Sharon.

This is Dr. Frank Chambers.

Lovely to meet you.
I'm quite a fan of your mother's.

- Ah, he's European.
- Uh-

So, you, uh-
You're going out to dinner?

Yes, we have 8:00 reservations.

- And will you be very late?
- Oh, no, no. No, ma'am.

Is your cell phone charged up?

- Shall we?
- Good night then.

Drive carefully.

What are you doing?

All right, stop!

Stop.

You do realize all this
is going on your credit card?

Okay, so let's both of us
just calm down...

and discuss this
like mature adults.

It's 40 degrees out.
Shoes help.

b*tch!

All right.
What are we drinking to?

How 'bout crazy women
and the losers who love 'em?

You're not a loser.
She's your wife.

- You don't just stop loving her because-
- I'm not talking about Heidi.

Oh, wow. Really?

You love her?

Well, then you have to tell her.

- Not until she tells me.
- What? You're playing chicken? She has to say it first?

Not "it. "
But something, anything.

I just need a word. One word so I know
I'm not the only one feeling this.

But she can't say it,
and I don't know why.

Well, maybe it's because
she's freaked out.

I mean, here you are, her friend,
practically her brother...

and all of the sudden she's thinking
about you in dirty ways.

It's freaky, okay?

I met Jaye three months ago.
How am I practically her brother?

You're a boy.

Hey, Mrs. T.

Hello, dear.

It's the beautiful sadness
in your work that I find so compelling.

Sadness?

It's a kind of ennui.

One invariably comes away
from one of your books with the image...

of a lonely wanderer,
forever buffeted from pillar to post.

Really?

- What are you doing here?
- Where're we going?

Wait, is that my mom?
Who's the guy?

He is touching her hand now.

- What? Where?
- Dad, don't turn around!

- I can't see.
- Shh!

What?

What?

She is eating his pickle!

You shouldn't have come here.
I told you it can't happen again.

I mean, last night
was great, okay?

Better than great,
but we can't.

I mean, if you were
anyone else, maybe.

But you're not anyone else. You're you.
And you're like a brother to me.

So, I make love
like a black man?

Not that kind of brother,
you idiot. Just look.

It's just too complicated.
It can't happen.

- Just go.
- I just came for the fish.

You are such a freak.

Hi.

- I have something to say.
- Okay.

Okay, good.
So, here's the thing.

Ohh, shut it.

What?

Uh-

You're an amazing woman, Karen.

I know if you were mine
you wouldn't be wandering alone.

- I'd never let you out of my sight.
- Yeah, I agree.

- Get up.
- Darrin, what are you doing?

I don't need to be hit over the head with a
shillelagh to see what's going on here. Get up.

- Out of the way!
- Hey, watch it!

Eric, I got something to say.

I lied to you. I'm sorry.

I remember everything,
and I lied about it.

It was wrong, but I didn't know
what else to do.

I love you so much, Eric.
Please forgive me.

Dr. Tyler, there's really
no need for this sort of unpleasantness.

You really need to get
your hand off of me.

Please. What- What can I do?
What can I say?

I don't know.

- I beg your pardon?
- You heard the man!

Don't you think it'd be best for everyone
if you just turned around and walked away?

I think it'd be best
if you took your hand off of me.

- Dad!
- My God.

Darrin.

- That's what I want in my life.
- Insane parents?

Something worth fighting for.

Then fight for us.

I know I messed up,
but if you'll let me...

I'll spend the rest of my life
making it up to you.

Eric, please...

marry me again.

Fine. Let's do it right now.

Oh, really?

There's an all-night chapel.
Spring Street, isn't it?

Rainbow Boulevard.

Thanks.

Ah.

Hey, what's up?

- Tyson-Holyfield, the senior tour.
- Huh?

My mom was on a date with this hot guy,
and then my dad kicked his butt.

- And then Eric and Heidi left to get remarried.
- You wanna back up?

To where? The butt-kicking?

Oh, Eric marrying
the cheating liar.

Yeah, that's
my least favorite part too.

And you just let it happen?

You just let him walk outta here
with the Heidi-h*?

Oh, wish I'd said that.

You still can!
Go after them!

Aren't you the person who
told me to break up with him?

Maybe I was wrong.

You couldn't have been
more right.

We're not supposed
to be together.

Actually, sometimes the person
you're not supposed to be with...

is the person
you're supposed to be with.

- Just go tell him how you feel.
- What happened to you?

Nothing. What?
I'm not glowing.

I don't wanna hurt him any more
than I already have.

He's been through enough.

Nobody can get hurt
just by admitting what they feel.

I think I might love him.

Ow. See, that hurt.

Jaye, you have to tell him.

He's been waiting
for you to tell him. Go!

Go right now!

- I can't.
- Fine.

Then I will. Coat. Coat!

Get to the church on time.

Bite me!
I kept my mouth shut.

It's not my fault if Mahandra
doesn't forever hold her peace.

Get to the church.

b*tch stole my key.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

I didn't say anything!

It already smelled good
in here. Drive faster!

Next.

Okay.

Talk to me.

Come on. Talk to me.

Please?

Se habla español?

Hey, stop. Whoa, whoa.
Stop, stop, stop!

No, no, no, no, no!

Crap.

Jaye?

Uh, hi.

What are you doing here?

Uh, I was, um-

I- I wanted to-

I'm so glad you're here.

- Eric-
- Jaye, meeting you changed everything.

I didn't think I'd ever feel
that way again.

- Eric, wait.
- I couldn't understand why you wouldn't admit how you feel.

- But now I know.
- You do?

I took vows too.

And not honoring them
was literally breaking me in half.

I'll never be able to move on with my life
if I don't try to make this work.

This is what I have to do.

I can't just walk away.

You're not that guy.

No. I'm not.

And that's why
I'm crazy about you.

Notice anything different?

I can breathe.

Are you the witness?

I am.

We are gathered here today-