01x01 - Wax Lion

[bunniefuu]

- Niagara Falls,
one of the seven natural wonders.

America's vacationland and honeymoon capital
of the Greater Buffalo region.

- So what about the legend?
- I'm getting to that.

- I wanna hear about the Maid of the Mist.
- Are you gonna let me talk?

Okay. So there was this god
who lived in the waterfall.

- Indians were all afraid of him
because he kept k*lling people.

They were like, "Hey, how do we
get this guy to stop k*lling everybody?"

And someone said,
"Let's give him presents. "

So they gave him all this stuff,
and he was still mad, so they figured...

well, if he likes k*lling people so much,
why don't they just k*ll some people for him?

So the chief volunteers his daughter 'cause
he thinks that's honorable or something.

And they tossed Princess in a boat
and sent her down the river.

Native Americans never
practiced human sacrifice.

Don't interrupt me again. The chief
does the whole, "Oh, my God. What have I done?"

and paddles his canoe out to save her,
but Princess wasn't having any of that.

She's all, "No, no.
I surrender to destiny. "

Famous last words. Seriously.
They put it on bathrobes and stuff.

- Anyway, so
Princess takes the plunge.

- No!
- But it's all good, 'cause the god thought...

the daughter was hot,
so he spared her life.

He promised if she stayed with him
in the cave, he'd forgive her people...

- and protect and enchant their land
until the end of time.

So she agreed to live with the god
in the waterfall and became Maid of the Mist.

And thanks to Princess,
Niagara has remained...

an enchanted wonderland, despite hundreds
of years of commercial development.

- What happened to the chief?
- He died.

- Why'd the princess live?
- 'Cause she was hot.

- You gonna buy the tape?
- No.

Then get out. No loitering.

Inspired the passions
and imaginations of so many at Niagara Falls...

whose sublime beauty and awesome power have
made it a magnet for statesmen and stuntmen.

Peggy said the votive candle canoes
need to be restocked.

- I'm with a customer.
- So am I.

- Mornin', Jaye.
- Morning.

- Have a good one.
- Yep. All right.

Jaye? Oh, my God!
Is that you?

Gretchen.

Hi! Last time I saw you
was at graduation.

- How random is this?
- Pretty random.

- What are you doing here?
- Funeral.

Oh, my God! So much has changed
since high school. Check it out.

I sacked such a good one.
He loves that I grew up in Niagara...

so I'm picking up
a few souvenirs.

I guess I should call them
tchotchkes now that I'm Jewish.

- Converted for love.
- You don't really believe in it?

Stop. So how about you?

Did you end up "overeducated and unemployable,"
like you said in the yearbook?

Yep. Went to Brown. Got a philosophy degree.
Now I work here.

Really? Your parents
must have plots.

- They're happy if I'm happy.
- Are you happy?

Why don't
I ring those up for you?

But you are the manager, right?

I just wanna start out by saying
that this was one...

of the most difficult decisions I've ever
had to make in my entire life...

but I have to go
with an assistant manager who's more...

of a people person and can deal...

with the day-in, day-out
trials and tribulations...

on the managerial paths
for retail management.

Right now,
it really feels like Alec.

What's good
for business is good for all of us.

No one here is a loser.

Welcome to Wonderfalls. Thank you
for shopping at Wonderfalls, ma'am.

- Welcome to Wonderfalls. Would you like an escort?
- Oh, yes.

This way.

Sorry.
That's my quart-

It's okay.
You can keep it.

Ow!

You didn't give me my discount,
and this lion is defective.

- What?
- The face. It's all funky.

Vending machine's not ours. If you
have a complaint, there's a number on the side.

- What about my discount?
- What about it?

I'm a guest at the Hillcrest. We're
supposed to get 10% off local merchants...

one of which is you.

That discount has to be presented
at the time of purchase.

- My a*s. I'm presentin' it now.
- Did you just say "my a*s"?

- I'm sorry, ma'am. Is there a problem here?
- Yeah. I want my discount.

- She didn't present-
- May I see your receipt, please?

Your discount comes to $3.86.

Take it out of the till.

I apologize for the confusion.
Enjoy your stay.

You can just give me four ones.

Word of advice.:
Don't give her money back.

Don't.

Thank you.

Hey! That guy just stole my purse!

Get back here, you son of a b*tch!
I'm gonna kick your a*s!

That's right! I just called your mama a b*tch!
You'd better run!

- Told ya.
- Your mother's on the phone.

She wants to speak to you. We're allowed
two minutes for personal calls.

Hello, Mother.

Sweetheart?

- Sweetheart?
- Everyone's here.

Untie the door and let us in.

- What's she doing back there?
- Maybe she's taking a dump.

- Must you be such a sow?
- The mouth-breather at the store...

said she went pale, twitched
a couple of times and passed out.

- That doesn't sound good.
- He called it a "'sode"- short for "episode."

I'm fine. You can go home now.

Sweetheart, you're not fine.
You had a 'sode.

Just low blood sugar.
Ate a Snickers. Thanks for coming.

If this is an intervention,
shouldn't we be intervening?

Who said anything
about an intervention?

It's not so much an intervention
as it is a collective expression of concern.

- You said intervention.
- Well, it got you here, didn't it?

You both came out of me. I don't
understand why you have to be so snarky.

Stolen babysitting money.
Stolen makeup. Stolen car.

- Did anybody examine her?
- A very handsome paramedic...

said he couldn't
find anything physically wrong.

- Didn't you think he was handsome?
- Please stop asking me that.

A paramedic is not qualified
to tell you nothing is wrong.

It's not physical. It's emotional.
She lives in a trailer park.

Clearly, she's disturbed-
I mean, clearly.

She's not disturbed; she's depressed.
And they have pills for that now.

- Can't you prescribe something?
- You don't just start popping pills...

because you feel a little down.

I mean, there are other ways
to deal with depression.

Sweetheart, when's the last time
you had an orgasm?

That sound you hear
is stunned silence.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.
Millions of people have orgasms every day.

Not ashamed. Mortified.

Maybe she should talk to Dr. Ron.

I really don't want her talking
to my therapist. She'll give him ideas.

Don't need therapy. All better now.

- I think we should put her down.
- Sharon.

It is just like goin' to sleep.

We're not gonna
put you down, sweetheart.

We just want to understand
what happened to you.

- Tell me about your family.
- I really don't wanna gossip.

Would you say
your family life is stressful?

Not that I'm aware of.
Does my mother say it's stressful?

- We're not talking about your mother.
- Not yet.

Do you feel pressured to live up
to your mother's expectations?

I thought we weren't
talking about my mother.

We're not.
We're talking about you.

I'm confused.

- That's perfectly normal.
- Perfectly normal.

I understand there's some animosity
between you and your sister.

- Care to elaborate?
- She hates me.

- "Hate" is a strong word.
- Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?

How does that make you feel?

One less person to worry about.

When's the last time
you told your sister you loved her?

I don't know how you did things in your family,
but we weren't raised that way.

I love you.

- Why'd you steal that monkey?
- It told me to.

Is it gonna tell me
to steal something?

I'd be so happy if it did.
You have no idea.

I ran into Gretchen Speck today.
Her hair looked like carpet.

I always hated her. Remember when she
wiped her a*s with Margaret Wayne's gym towel?

- Oh, yeah. That was really mean.
- Yeah.

Mm. I fainted today.

- What?
- Word on the street is it's stress.

- You don't have stress.
- I have lots of stress. I work retail.

And by the way,
the mouth-breather is now my boss.

Should've seen my mother
when she found out.

Looked like she'd just dried her face
with Margaret Wayne's gym towel.

I think I actually
enjoyed telling her.

- Of course you did. You're spiteful.
- Nuh-uh.

Uh-huh. You're spiteful in a way the definition
of "spiteful" doesn't quite prepare you for.

Uh-huh. You're spiteful in a way the definition
of "spiteful" doesn't quite prepare you for.

- Oh-
- Don't drop your jaw at me.

Disappointing your family
is an extreme sport for you.

Just look at them. They all work really hard
every day, and they're dissatisfied.

I mean, I can be dissatisfied
without hardly working at all.

Mm. And now you're hardly working
for a mouth-breather who's still in high school.

And I say that without judgment.

I so want to storm out on you right now,
but if I stand up, I'll fall.

Okay. I gotta
get back to work.

- I need those kamikazes.
- I just gave them to you.

Yeah. We drank those.
Need four more. He's new.

Your a*s is ringing.

My a*s rings a lot.

You ever think about
setting it on "vibrate"?

I'm not sure I'm secure enough
with my manhood to do that.

Here. It's on the house.

Right on.

So why do you have an a*s
if you don't answer it?

Oh, well, I used to answer it. I just haven't
answered it since I got married...

and that was, like, six days ago.

Yeah. Her name's Heidi.
She's obsessed with bed linens.

She was my college sweetheart.

- The honeymoon suite.
- Married in New Jersey. Honeymoon in Niagara.

It was like a fairy tale. Till I caught her
with the bellman in our room.

- Sweet.
- Honey?

I guess the sheets had an 800 thread count
and she couldn't control herself.

I walked out
of that honeymoon suite into this bar...

and cried for three days
until someone gave me a job.

Don't you have work
in New Jersey?

I'm pretty sure they're gonna fire me
when I don't show up.

That's awesome.

You know,
I've been thinking.

I'm almost numb enough to start something
on the rebound. What do you say?

Sweet of you to offer,
but I may be clinically insane.

You might wanna hold out for
someone a little more stable.

I don't think
that'd be as interesting.

...victim of circumstance, messenger of fate.

- Good morning.
- Hey.

- How 'bout this weather, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

- Great.
- Ask him about the ring.

Oh, God.

- Ask him.
- Don't talk to me.

Ask him about the ring-
the one he doesn't wear.

Have a good one.

- Ask him.
- Shut up.

- Sorry?
- Have a nice day.

- Thanks.
- * Hello, my baby *

- Stop it!
- You stop. Ask him.

* Hello, my honey
Hello, my- *

* Ragtime gal
Send me a kiss by wire *

Baby, my heart's on fire

Hey! Sorry. What happened
to your wedding ring?

What did I do wrong?

I, uh- I don't wear it anymore.

- We talked about this. Remember?
- We did? No, we didn't.

Yeah. Sure we did.
The divorce and-

Oh, yeah. Now I remember.

- I still don't know what I did wrong.
- Uh-huh.

- So what happened to the ring?
- I, uh, pawned it.

- Oh.
- I'm sorry.

I gotta go.

Poor b*tch.

- You made me make him cry.
- Huh.

See a penny, pick it up.

You're not supposed to steal.

You're not supposed
to talk to strangers. Piss off.

Oh, my God.
What am I doing?

Hey!

Stop!

Hey! That's my quarter!

Screw it!

What?

You gotta be kidding.

So we got Poor b*tch and his ring,
which led us to the quarter-

and the quarter led us to the purse,
which was empty.

Is that supposed to mean something?
Is it a metaphor?

Are you Satan?

Are you God?

Okay. If you don't say something in the next
five seconds, I'm gonna assume you're Satan.

One Mississippi,
two Mississippi...

three Mississippi,
four Mississi-

Oh, God.

I'm a crazy person.

I found your purse.

Well, where's my wallet?

My brush? My tampons?

I had a lot of very expensive makeup
in this bag.

- It was in the garbage.
- Then how'd you find it?

Wednesday your day
to dig through the trash?

- Your voice just got loud.
- You bet your a*s my voice just got loud...

because you and your little friend
stole my purse.

- What?
- Morley Safer did a whole thing on identity theft.

I know how you people work.
Little packs preyin' on tourists.

You're probably here now just tryin' to trick me
into tellin' you my mother's maiden name.

- You b*tch!
- I came here to be nice.

I knocked on 71 doors
looking for your sorry a*s just to be nice.

My knuckles are raw!

Hello?

Oh, my God. Look at your toenails.
Do you trim those with pliers?

- They're right in there.
- What is wrong with you?

You're 24. "Troubled teen" is no longer
flattering on you.

- Nice talking to you.
- You better stop!

Ow. Oh,
that was dramatic.

If you really wanted this to be dramatic,
you should've called Mom.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Grow up is what it means.

Getting arrested
for disorderly conduct?

- Really though.
- She hit me first!

That is so surprising. I can't imagine
why anyone would ever wanna hit you.

And fainting at work?
What is that about?

- Are you starving yourself again?
- Why are you being such a cow?

- You're my sister.
- You tell people we're not related.

It was just that one time.

It was Grandpa's wake.

Well, you always
have such a bug up your a*s.

Just curious: How many people
did you call before you called me?

Five. No. Six.
You were the only one home.

Thanks for
findin' my mom's purse.

You're welcome.

- Steve, I'm gonna go to the bathroom, all right?
- Okay, man.

- What happened to you?
- I was accosted by a middle-aged Texan hausfrau...

during an act of kindness.

Why were you
performing an act of kindness?

I just wanted
to see what it was like.

Do you think crazy people
know they're crazy?

Crazy insane?
Or crazy like...

when I put a video camera in my house
and pretended I was on Big Brother?

Crazy insane. Supposedly when you think
you're crazy, you're really not.

- Think that's true?
- Um, give me context.

You know that vending machine
that makes little wax animals?

- Yeah.
- It made a little smooshed-face lion.

- Mm-hmm.
- And it talked to me.

- What did it say?
- It told me not to give a customer her money back.

- Was she being a b*tch?
- Yeah.

- There you go.
- Maybe you didn't hear me.

I heard you. I think it's natural to embody
the world around us with consciousness.

- You do?
- Yeah. It's all that tree-huggin' crap.

- Like when the Native Americans-
- Indians.

like when Indians say
that everything has a soul-

the wind, your cell phone,
the little smooshed-face lion.

They all have souls.

Uh-huh. But when
I say it talked to me, I mean...

it opened its mouth
and words came out.

- I know.
- It blinked.

- I'm sure it did.
- And you don't have a problem with that?

- Do you?
- Yeah. It's upsetting.

You know what this is? This is all
a repressed psychological response...

to the natural belief
that everything has a soul.

- And what happens when you repress something?
- It goes away?

It comes back all crazy
and pissed off.

So if you act like that little wax lion
doesn't have a soul...

then that little wax lion gets revenge
when you start freakin' out...

and thinkin' it's talkin' to you.

- So I'm not crazy?
- I don't know. Maybe.

The princess approaches the canoe-
- Don't get in the boat.

And with stoic determination,
she climbs in.

Dumbass.

If you're looking for something to do,
the name patches need to be re-alphabetized.

- I'm folding.
- No, you're not. You're pretending to-

- There you are. Hello, sweetheart.
- Hello, Mother.

I know you're busy. I hate to bother you
at work. How's everything?

- Just swell.
- Good, good. I need to talk to you about the monkey.

- What monkey?
- The one you stole from Dr. Ron's office.

He'd like it back. He's refusing to see me
until he gets it, so take care of that right away.

I didn't take the monkey.

Sharon, another cigarette?
Aren't your fingertips yellow enough?

Of course you took the monkey, sweetheart.
He's got it on tape. He put a security camera in...

after that Olsen girl stabbed herself
and told everyone he tried to k*ll her.

Oh. Okay. Then I guess I have the monkey.
Can't you just buy him a new one?

No, I can't just
buy him a new one.

Ooh. Your sister's talking
to a very nice looking man.

Just give Dr. Ron back his monkey.
He's the best analyst in the state.

I think it's time
to do something different with your hair.

Let's you and me
have a salon day.

Bye-bye.

Your sister is hot.

He thinks your sister's hot.

Your sister- wow.

- Make me a match.
- You can't talk. You don't have a larynx.

If you don't have a larynx, you can't talk.
Get it? You can't talk.

Make-

Ohh.

Sharon and Poor b*tch sittin' in a tree

K- I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love
then comes marriage

Then comes Poor b*tch
with a baby carriage

Sharon and Poor b*tch
sittin' in a tree

Sharon, Sharon
give me your answer do

I'm half crazy
all for the love of you

It won't be a stylish marriage

I can't afford a carriage

- * But you'll look sweet *
- If I do this, will you shut up?

Upon the seat
of a bicycle built for two

Sharon, Sharon

Make me a match.

This better be good, 'cause I'm havin'
a real hard time gettin' it up for your drama.

She'll have a glass of chardonnay.
You call that slimming?

How many people did you ask to dinner
before you asked me?

None.

- Did you get fired again?
- No.

- Do you remember Thomas?
- Who?

- Cute E.P.S. guy at the store.
- Uh, vaguely. What about him?

- Didn't you think he was cute?
- Not particularly.

- Why didn't you think he was cute?
- I don't know. He's not my type.

How could you say that?
How can you say he's not your type?

You could do a lot wor-
Look who's here! Hi, Thomas.

- Sharon, you remember Thomas.
- Hi.

- Hi. These are for you.
- Oh.

Oh, that is so sweet.
Look how beautiful those are.

- I have to go to the bathroom.
- You just went.

No, I didn't.

Psst!

- Quick. Get me drunk.
- Jell-O sh**ter?

- Do you have grape?
- That's not the bathroom.

Jaye seems like she'd be a real nice sister.

Yeah.

- Um, you seem like a very nice man.
- Thank you.

- You seem like a very nice lady.
- Right.

Just so you know, absolutely nothing
is gonna happen between us.

- What?
- I don't know what you were told, but I was brought here...

- under false pretenses.
- Oh.

She just, uh-
She told me you thought I was cute.

She lied. I don't.
I'm really very sorry.

I guess I thought
if I could just get my sister laid...

the little wax lion
might just shut up.

- The wax lion wanted your sister to have sex?
- I'm assuming.

Does the little wax lion ever tell you
to burn things or hurt people?

He's probably
working up to that.

- You're just teasing about the lion, right?
- Of course.

Is it my teeth? 'Cause my ex-wife
used to complain about my teeth...

'cause the bottom ones
are kind of crooked.

See? Is it because of my teeth?

It isn't a big plus,
but it's not the deal breaker.

I'm too sensitive, right? You know,
a lot of women, they don't like that...

but I think
it makes me a good kisser.

It's not you.
Really, it's not. It's me.

Oh. That old chestnut.

If I tell you something, you have to promise
you won't breathe a word of it to anyone.

- Okay?
- Sure.

I'm a l*sbian.

The reason I'm not attracted to you
is your genitals are on the outside.

You're just tryin' them
all on for size, aren't ya?

I think the universe
is conspiring against me.

- The whole universe?
- Yeah.

Not just the Milky Way or, like,
Planet Earth, but the entire universe?

All of creation.
It's a plot. I know that now.

- What's the universe plotting?
- Couldn't tell you. Vanna hasn't turned over enough letters yet.

I always thought that
Vanna White had a big head.

- Me too, actually.
- See? Simpatico.

I think I've been in the bathroom
for a really long time.

Sorry. Somebody was just telling me
the most interesting story about pirates.

- I'll bet.
- Is your sister really a l*sbian?

You need to stop
kissin' the mirror, buddy.

Just 'cause a girl's
not diggin' your chili doesn't mean-

Did you have
that goiter before?

Were there peanuts
in the salad?

- What was that crack about you being a l*sbian?
- Um-

Are you a l*sbian? I mean,
it's not horribly surprising, but are you?

- What do you mean, it's not horribly surprising?
- You drive an S.U.V.

Is he still breathing?

- I don't think so!
- Maybe we should trach him.

- Do you have a pen?
- Ballpoint or fine tip?

Does Mom know?

- She would unspool.
- Can I tell her?

No!

We have a stabbing victim!

Actually, the medium-point Bic Round Stic
is the preferred pen for emergency tracheotomies.

You don't say.

Excuse me. Did you bring in the man
with the pen in his throat?

Um... yes.

I'm his ex-wife. My name is on
the emergency contact card in his wallet.

- Are you his girlfriend?
- I don't have a girlfriend.

I mean, I'm not his- No.

You have ink on your chin.

Oh, God.
How embarrassing.

Here.

You're not gonna sue us,
are you, 'cause it sort of is your fault.

As someone with a deadly food allergy,
you should learn how to read a menu.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- You're being sneaky about something.
- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.
- Let it go.

- Oh, so that's how it is.
- What?

You know what.

As delightful as this has been,
I have to be in court in the morning.

- Do you have money for a cab?
- No.

- I'll give you a ride.
- Great. Great.

- You don't even know where she's going.
- Feel better.

At least now
you know it wasn't you.

So do they give you morphine,
or do you have to ask for it?

You gotta be kidding me.

How'd you get in?

Climbed through the window.
You're gonna need a new screen.

Couldn't wait
in your luxury S.U.V.?

I did, but there was this dirty kid
eating Spaghetti-Os out of a can...

and he wouldn't stop
staring at me.

- So you're a l*sbian now.
- Just now.

I could see doin' a girl...

in prison if there
weren't any guys around...

especially if the girl
was Drew Barrymore.

What? Just trying
to be supportive.

About that- Why are you being so nice
to me all of a sudden?

- I have always been nice to you.
- No, you have not.

When I was 17, you put a space heater
and a litter box in my closet...

for a week
while I was on spring break.

- You have not always been nice to me.
- Forgot why I did that.

You've never asked me who I was dating
or if I was even interested in anybody...

and now you're setting me up
on a blind date?

- So what?
- I'm not complaining. I think it's wonderful, I really do...

but you are not the same girl
who made all my clothes smell like cat pee.

What is going on with you?

I don't know.

I don't know what's going on with me.
I feel like a pinball.

I've been bouncing off bumpers and flippers
tryin' to get something to happen...

but I had no idea what it was.

And then all of a sudden,
there's a tracheotomy, and you're a l*sbian...

and there's
this other l*sbian and-

I was just trying to do
what I thought I was supposed to do...

but they didn't tell me what it was;
they just kept on making me guess.

Who made you guess?

Nobody.
The proverbial "they. "

I love you.

I... love you.

I love you too.

I don't feel dirty.
I thought I was gonna feel dirty.

- Because you said "I love you"?
- Mm-hmm.

I don't feel dirty at all,
which is surprising.

You know, maybe we could
say it again sometime.

But not for a while and not often.

How about birthdays and holidays?

Okay.

But never in public.

Why do they always
sacrifice the pretty ones?

I guess k*lling pretty people is easier
than k*lling ugly people.

Although you'd think
the opposite would be true.

You know, I don't get why she just didn't
paddle to the other side of the river.

- I mean, it's not that far.
- She was surrendering to destiny.

- Oh, is that it?
- The Office of Travel and Tourism...

did this whole
"Surrender to Destiny" promotion in the '80s...

and some cult used it
as an endorsement for mass suicide.

- Really? - Mm-hmm. Bunch of them piled
into canoes and went over the edge.

- They were pulling bodies out of the river for weeks.
- That wasn't in the brochures.

There was a lot of media coverage.
Surprisingly good for business.

Well, for those of us not in cults,
I think there's something to be said...

for surrendering to destiny.

I mean, if it's destiny,
there's probably a reason for it, right?

- Okay.
- So why struggle with fate?

Life can be sort of peaceful
when you stop struggling.

It's a lot like drowning that way.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Thank you.
- What?

- Thank you.
- I don't understand what you're saying.

- Thank-
- Stop tryin' to talk. It's freakin' me out.

Uh, do you wanna
write it down? Here. A pen.

Oh. Right. Sorry.

How about something more blunt,
like a grease pencil?

Here.

- He's payin' for that.
- I know.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

Or... you're welcome.

Oh, good.
Way to get back on the-

Doesn't mean anything.
Probably just looking at the label.

- Uh-
- Yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

See a penny, pick it up.

No. No, no. We're done.

No more talking from things
that don't talk. We had a deal.

Ask him.

We had a deal!

Don't squeeze the Charmin.

* Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey *

Hey! Lady!

Hey! I think
I'm supposed to help you.

And by the way,
you've got toilet paper on your shoe.