01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

GIRL: Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!

HE SIGHS

Look what I made.
Oh, that's very nice.

Come on, in you come. Both of you.
Coats off. Go and have a seat.

Right, er...

Mummy's left us,
and she's not coming back.

She's left with Uncle Neil.
Do you understand?

So from now on, it's just us.

And I don't want to hear their names
spoken in this house ever again.

I won't have it.

Kaden, Sally,
do I make myself clear?

Right, off you go upstairs.

Go on. Scram.

PADLOCK CLICKS

CLOCK TICKS

THUNDER CRACKS

THUNDER CRACKS

Robert?

SWITCH CLICKS

SWITCH CLICKS

Robert?

Robert?

Robert?!

Don't come down here!

WATER SLOSHES

Nobody's allowed.
It's full of poison.

There's asbestos down there.
Look, see?

There's a sign.
DOOR CLOSES

I know.
So what were you doing down there?

It flooded in the... in the...

In the storm?
In the cellar.

So, Carol.

You mustn't go down there.
OK, I won't.

THUNDER RUMBLES,
HE SIGHS

I know what you're thinking.

What kind of man are you

to have that carrying on
right under your nose?

Oh, no, love. You didn't know.

You let your brother stay here,
and he betrayed you, Robert.

Neil and Joan betrayed you.
But you are a good man, Robert.

Good man.
And I'm a lucky woman.

I'm so sick of cakey make-up.

Aren't you, girls?
CHIME

Oh. Hello, Alysha.

Honest, this stuff is magic.

If you've got flakey skin, right,
it's greasy but not greasy -

it's £10.99 on Amazon.

Lasts all day. Waterproof.

Perfect for any bride-to-be,
or scuba diver.

Ooh, ah.
PHONE CHIMES

Ugh. What's she want now?

Yep, we know it's his birthday,
he's our flipping dad.

Now, this mascara,
you will not believe.

I swear, your fella will notice.

"Sal, your eyes
are like two deep pools."

That's what mine said.

But he's like that.
He's dead romantic.

Like a poet.
But he's an accountant.

What is this crap?

I can put down wood-effect.
Anything to sell this dump, Kaden.

And look at that sh*t-show outside.

Never lifted a finger,
the lazy fat b*stard.

Too busy with that trollop
up in Berwick.

I'll put down
low-maintenance rear garden

with plenty of opportunity
to stamp your own mark on it.

I'll stamp me own mark
on his pig-ugly head, I will.

You know what he doesn't know?

I've come in to some money,

and I'm gonna be buying myself
somewhere really fancy.

Like Stable Row.
Ah, lovely houses. I grew up there.

And I sold a house there
a couple of months ago.

They don't come up often, though.

Rob.

You know you don't have to go in.
Lisa said it's fine.

No, I've never missed a day,
and I'm not gonna start now.

And the pharmacy needs me,
and Lisa can't cope on her own.

I was thinking maybe
we should sit Kaden and Sally down

before your birthday
and have a little chat?

Chat about what?
About what the doctor said.

No. There's no need to bother them.
Right, I'm off.

I'll see you later. Bye.
Bye, love.

Morning, Mrs Granger.
Have you met the new neighbours yet?

He's got a nasty big car.
Parked it right up here yesterday.

MUTTERS: Welcome
to the neighbourhood and all that.

What a storm, 'ey?
Cellar's full of water.

Foundations'll be weakened
cos of these heavy vehicles.

CAROL SIGHS
SOFTLY: Get a life, you old goat.

See you.

CLOCK TICKS

RINGING TONE

LISA: 'Good morning.
Barrie Pharmacy.'

Lisa, hi.

Can you just let me know
that Robert gets in safely?

'Of course, Carol.

'He gave the wrong prescription
to Miss Harries.'

Did he?
What was the prescription?

'Blood pressure tablets.

'They were supposed to go
to Mrs Harrison.'

Their names are very similar.

'I better go.
Speak to you when Robert gets here.'

All right.
LINE DISCONNECTS

Sal, did Carol call you?

I'm working, Kaden.
Your green light's on on your Insta.

What do you want?

Are you gonna
the old bugger's birthday thing?

Do you wanna go halves
on something?

Carol won't stop going on about it.
I'll go if you go.

I don't know what to get him.
Besides, I'm skint.

Pfft, tell me about it.
I could do with a sale, like.

DAN: 'Kaden! We've got to tidy up
for the doula coming.

'Hiya, Sal.'

WOMAN: Excuse me.
Oh, I've got to go.

Hiya.





BEEPS HORN

You're early!

Why did no-one ever tell me
that Joan Barrie was so beautiful?

Joan Barrie?

Less said about her, the better.
Anyway, I did tell you.

I told you were punching
well above your weight.

She's the sort of woman
a man can't ever get over.

She wasn't all that.

You, Carol Crottie,
have won life's jackpot.

You've got a loving mother,
a house in Stable Row.

Robert Barrie could've had any...
What if he forgets me

and only remembers her?

He's forgetting words, Mam.
His moods are all over the place.

Dr Crawford said this would happen
with early onset dementia.

Don't be so ridiculous, Carol.
He's only 65.

The clue's in the name, Mother.

Well, don't pay any heed
to Dr Crawford.

Two Short Planks
we called him at school.

I forgot you had a medical degree.

Is everything all right
in the bedroom department?

Hm? Well, men can go a bit funny
if they're not getting enough...

you-know-what.

Mam!

CAROL SIGHS HARSHLY

Great, OK. That's all sorted.
Four o'clock next Thursday.

That's great, thank you.

Morning, Miss Barrie.

Will I find what I need
in the ball cupboard today?

Indeed, you will, Mr Tanner.



How're you finding
the new template, Sally?

Scintillating. Thank you, Sam.

MOIRA: Notice how
I've never let myself go?

All those modern women
bleating on about hormones.

Get over yourself!
I saw a photo.

He looked so happy with her.
I feel like sloppy seconds.

Men need more than a pretty face,
lucky for you, Carol.

You need to put in a bit more oomph.

I don't think I'd appreciated

how devastated he must've been
when she left.

You know, the double whammy of it.
Running off with his own brother.

Men need a bit of seduction.
A bit of dressing up, if you like.

You know how much
they love their football costumes.

Kit, Mother, kit.

She was so glamorous.

She fancied herself
something rotten

just because she won the
Alnwick pageant two years in a row.

She was selling tickets on herself.

I know you cis-feminists
don't approve with pageants,

but they're a lovely way
to compare women.

There's a cellar, Mam.

He's kept all her stuff.
All her clothes, everything.

It's like he's waiting for her.
Good luck with that.

They'll be snooting around London,
going to art galleries

and pretending
that they like classical music.

Oh, man, she doesn't know
her Van Goghs from her Van Dammes.

This might be the last birthday
he'll remember.

He's only gonna get worse, Mam.

I told you, Carol,
not to get with an older man.

I told you you'd be the one
left holding the toilet paper.

CAROL SIGHS

Right, well, shall we pop
into the sports shop

and get me a Newcastle strip?

I'm just wondering
where we'd put the birthing pool.

What do you think, Martha? Are you
getting any sense of feng shui?

Not bothered, really.

This baby is coming,
one way or another.

That's my fault, I'm afraid, Sienna.
I've gone a bit OTT.

So many things to get.

Tell me about it.
I mean, Little Mozart.

A baby doesn't even know
where the f*ck its fingers are.

You're probably used
to more luxurious homes,

what with
all your celebrity clients?

Sienna's done Phil Foden,
Kyle Walker,

Cheryl Cole, Harry Maguire.

Who else you done?

I don't like to talk out of turn
about my celebrity clients.

But yes,
they do tend towards luxury.

So, then, now,
I know all about Martha,

but I'd like to get a flavour
of the two of you,

your own childhoods, if that's OK?

Kaden, shall we start with you?

It was good. Just normal, you know.

Well, not really, Kaden.

Oh, baby will pick things up.

Er, no, I mean, it was good. Mostly.

Except his mother left
when he was ten, never came back.

Oh.
sh*t happens, eh?

That sounds, to me, like a woman
expressing her own buried trauma.

Does it? Sounds to me like a woman
choosing her lover over her kids.

Where's the loo?
I'll show you.

Come on. There you go.

Right, so, any in-life transactions,
you got to press "in-life".

There. That one.

Hm?
You press the in-life button,

then go back to domino.

There. Much simpler
than the old one, isn't it?

What are you doing here?

Sorry. Hello, madam,
how can we help?

Oh, don't mind me,
I'm just here on family business.

Oh! Is this your mam, Sally?
No. She's not my mam.

Step-mam.
No.

You're not married,
so you're not anything.

Right. I'll leave you to it.
Lovely to meet you.

Thanks.

He seems nice.
If you're into Mr Potato Head.

Right.

Well, erm,
hoping to see you on Saturday.

You could bring someone along,
if you like?

Sal, listen,
I just wanted to warn you.

We should have a sit down
with Kaden, too, but, erm...

you might find your dad
a little changed.

He's muddling things up
a little bit.

He can be quite abrupt.

SAL SCOFFS
Nothing new there, then.

No. It's a memory thing.

Dr Crawford...

Look, I should
get back to work, Carol.

Right.

Sally.

I feel like you seem to take umbrage
with whatever I say.

I don't.
We used to be friends, didn't we?

When I was tutoring you.
Really good friends.

And you went off with my dad.

I've got to work, Carol.

Right, OK. Well, I hope
to see you Saturday, then.

There'll be cake!
You calling us fat?

KADEN: 'Was I scared of my dad?'

If you're asking...
did my dad beat my mam up?

Then the answer's no.

But did he have a temper?
Absolutely.

Was he thrilled when I turned out
to be a raging h*m*?

Not so much.
Carol changed all that, though.

His step-mam. She's lovely.
They're not married.

I am sensing a lot
of negative daddy energy, Kaden.

DOOR OPENS

HE EXHALES

Fancy finding you
in this little cubbyhole,

you bundle of gorgeousness.
Oh!

Looking for some bouncy ba*ls,
by any chance?

HE LAUGHS
Ah, I've missed you, Patrick Tanner.

Moving house. It's been a nightmare.

Did you tell her?

Well, you know, it's best
to get settled first.

Hey. A little birdie sent me
a piccie of a lacy thong.

Mm...

Oooh, right, turn around,
and get those keks off, rapidamente.

SNIFFS

SNIFFS

SNIFFS

PATRICK MOANS

PATRICK EXHALES
HEAVILY

THEY BREATHE HEAVILY

THEY SIGH

Oh, my God.
Pat, erm...

It's me dad's birthday on Saturday.

Do you wanna come?
Er...

Saturday's not so good for me.

I want to show you off to me family.
It's been five months.

We'll sort something out. Hey, hey.

What about a naughty night away
next week? Mm.

For now, though, let's just keep it
our little secret, 'ey? Shh.

HE EXHALES

HE GROANS

HE WHISTLES

SHE SIGHS

MOANING ON VIDEO,
SHE GIGGLES

CAROL SNIFFS

GRAVEL CRUNCHES

sh*t!

DOOR CLOSES

Hi, my honey bee.
Hi.

Mwah.
Tea?

What's that smell?
Oh, it's awful, isn't it?

Do you think it's the drains?
No. No, I mean the smell on you.

It's the...

t-the smell.

Oh! I tried some perfume on
in the shops.

I don't like it.

Jesus Christ, Dan.
Have you seen her prices?

Dan!
Huh?

Have you seen her prices?
"Hypno-birthing". What's that?

Oh. "Look into my eyes,
out you come, little baby."

It's for Martha, you idiot.
"Birth photography".

No, thank you very much.

I don't want to see anything
from that end.

It's for the first moments
of holding Baby.

And for Martha.
Martha this, Martha that.

Why don't you put
a bloody ring on it?

Sometimes, I wonder if you even
want this baby at all, Kaden.

Stop it.

Just because you've gone overboard.
No, really.

My family know.

Why the hell
haven't we told YOUR family?

Carol.

What's the matter?

Everything.
Everything?

Hey. What's going on?

You're still in love with her,
aren't you?

With Joan.

HE CHUCKLES

What are you talking about?

Why are your lock codes all set
on your wedding date?

It's... just a date I knew.

Come here.

SHE CRIES
I love you so much, Robert.

I love you too, Joan.

All right, Dan?

I see you've brought Tinky Winky
with you. "Eh-Oh!"

KADEN LAUGHS
You got a lot of slap on, kidder.

You auditioning for Love Island
or what? f*ck off.

Thank you, Dad.

DAN: Hiya.
Hi, Dan.

Hi! Oh, Dan, they're beautiful!

What's that funny smell?
Is it you, Moira?

You cheeky get.

I have noticed it, mind.
Have you got an upset tummy, Carol?

It smells like
something's crawled in and died.

Oh, I know.
Any chance of a sherry?

I've been sat here ten minutes.

What did your last sl*ve die of?

Where's the birthday boy?
You look gorgeous, Carol.

Oh, he's upstairs, getting ready.
Thank you, Dan.

Erm, do you guys wanna go through?
Yep.

Oh, thanks, Dad. Cheers.
DAVE: I'll take that.

You all right, Silent Dave?
How's tricks?

You're always gorgeous, Moira.
Oh.

That's very kind of you, Dan.
That's all right.

Oh. Not used that one before.
Sorry, is that the wrong one?

No, no. Just not used it.
It's lovely.

You OK, Carol?
Fine. Fine.

You're amazing, you are.

I could never do what you did.
Moving in to someone else's house.

Someone else's things.

Someone else's bed.

THEY CHUCKLE SOFTLY

Robert doesn't like change.

And the Barries always get
what they want, 'ey?

Thanks. Lovely.

So, have you sold any properties
recently, Kaden?

Seller of the month last month.
Mm!

SALLY: No, you weren't. Janet was.
Well, I was runner-up.

MIMICS KADEN: "As you can see,
the bathroom is fully tiled"

"and comes complete
with a bath within."

"You can also flush away my bullshit"

"down the seated
water-flushing unit."

DAVE LAUGHS

Hey!

Happy birthday, Robert!
Happy birthday, Dad!

MOIRA: Happy birthday!

CORK POPS "Mrs Crottie," he said,

"You have changed
the entire course of..."

Are you listening?
DAVE SIGHS

"the entire course of my life."

"Without you as my
primary school teacher, my life..."

WHISPERS: What's up with Dad?
Oh, I've been trying to tell you.

But let's have a chat another time.

Happy birthday, Robert.
ALL: Happy birthday.

And to Carol, for the spread.
Ah, it's lovely.

Anyone can make a tea, Dave.

GLASS CLINKS Er, sorry.

We've got an announcement to make.

You tell them, Kaden.
SALLY: Here we go, then.

There's gonna be a new member
joining the Barrie family.

Are you getting a dog?
What?

We're gonna have a baby.
CAROL: Oh!

SURPRISED LAUGHTER

Well, this is wonderful news!
Just wonderful. 'Ey, Robert?

Yeah. Con... Congratum... Con...

C-Congrat...

Congratu...
Congratulations.

CAROL CHUCKLES

Erm, so, how does it work?
Who's carrying the baby?

We've got a surrogate mother.
She's called Martha.

She's six months gone already.

Six months?
Six months gone?

Who's the father?
We don't want to know.

Oh.

We made a mixture. Turkey baster.

Like... Like a gravy?
Mam!

Well, here's to Kaden.

And Dan. And the turkey baster.

LIGHT LAUGHTER Turkey baster!

Is it a boy or a girl?

We don't want to know that either.
WHISPERS: Boys are better.

I'm gonna be a Nana!
Not exactly.

Anyway, that's not even fair.
What's not even fair?

You've skipped the hard work bit -

puking, aching, stretching,
ripping apart, burning t*ts.

Bloody blokes.
I should be the one having a baby.

Well, some poor bugger
would have to shag you first.

Kade.
I've got a boyfriend, actually.

A real one, Sal. Come on.

Not a social media one.
He is real.

And he loves me.

We're gonna get married one day.
Aw, Sally.

I'm so happy for you.

Behave.
Thank you, Carol.

Robert, do you hear the news?
GLASS CLINKS

Well.

I would just like to say...

Dad?
SALLY: Dad.

Dad, are you all right?

I'm so sorry.

It, er... might be time
to go for a rest, Robert.

Why... Arrest? Am I under arrest?

I've done nothing. Will you stop
fussing over me, woman?!

Get off me!
YELLING

Oi! Robert!

You all right? Come here.
You all right?

Gentle with him.

Gentle with him!

What did you do that for?

There's something wrong with me.

SOFTLY: Sally.

Can you ever forgive me?

You should've said something.
That's domestic abuse, that is.

DAN: How long's
this been going on, Carol?

Carol!

He didn't mean to hurt me.

It's worse in the evenings.

You should've come for lunch.
He was fine.

I've been trying to tell you all.
No-one listens.

He's got dementia.

Hey, sexy, did you get my message?
I've got us the executive suite.

Was that Patrick Tanner?
What a w*nk*r.

What do you want?

We've got to do something, Sal.
About Dad.

I've been to the solicitor's
this morning.

What do you mean?

You and me.
We've got to think ahead.

He can't stay at number 7.

He's a danger. You saw him.
He needs proper care.

She said if he's got less
than 23 grand's worth of assets,

the state pays for his care.

But he's got the house.
No, he doesn't.

That's in our names.
He did that years ago.

He didn't want her coming back
and claiming it.

So I reckon we sell Stable Row,
like, quick.

I could do that.
You crafty b*stard. No.

I know you need money for the baby
and everything, but no.

He always said you'd have to
drag him out feet first.

Anyway, what about Carol?
She'll be fine.

She can go back to teaching.
She loved that.

She won't wanna be wiping his arse
all of her life.

It's a win-win.
Hi.

Go through today.
Thanks.

Listen. Just think about it.

I reckon you've got about 400 grand
to play with.

You could buy yourself a nice place
in the Caribbean with lover-boy.

Or spend it on, I don't know,
f*cking eyelashes.

You could do
whatever you want, babes.

SHE EXHALES

Carol.

You can leave, you know.

I would completely understand.

I'm not her, Robert.
I'm never leaving you.

Carol, am I losing my mind?

You have lapses, love.

Yeah, I know it.

I-I... I go to say something...

or I have a thought...

and it's like
I just can't quite catch it.

Like it's just out of reach,
you know?

Maybe you need some new drugs.
We'll go back to the doctor.

Yeah. He could just stick a pillow
over my face

and get it over and done with.

Don't say that.

Well, you know, I'm half serious.

I mean, what's the point?
We both know where this is going.

And, I mean, it isn't fair on you.

There's lots of point.

You can feel the air on your skin.
You can hear the birds.

You can just be. In the present.

And I'll look after you.
Yeah, but what am I, though?

I mean, what are we
without any memory?

We're just different.

You're free, in a way,
without memory.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Forgetting about everything,
that might be nice.

MRS DAWSON: Why are we
using the back door?

KADEN: Oh, we're just waiting for
the front-door keys from the owner.

Oh, I see.

It's not actually on the market yet,

but I thought I could give you
a little sneak preview.

SHE SNIFFS

Oh, that's just a drain thing
from the storm.

It's being sorted.

When's it officially going on?
As soon as possible.

They're looking
for a super-quick sale.

Look at those banisters.

Oop! Sorry.
That's easily fixed.

What about the high ceilings, huh?

Oh, my...

Just imagine his face
when he sees me here.

His slag of a girlfriend
lives in a two-bed.

Upstairs?
Yeah.

So, this is the master bedroom.

And if it was just you,
you could put in an en-suite.

Oh, that's a nice idea.
He could never hold it in all night.

If you really liked it,
I could put in a word.

He'll be green with envy.

You said there was a basement.

Yeah, one sec.
TYRES CRUNCH

Is that the time?
I should be back in the office.

You all right, love?
Yeah, I'm fine.

KNOCK ON DOOR Who's that?

I don't know.

Oh! Kaden!

What a surprise.
Hello.

Come in. Come in.

I just thought I'd check on how
everything went at the hospital.

Oh, that's nice.

We won't get the results for a bit,
but I'll be sure to let you know.

Do you want to sit with your dad,
stay for some tea?

I don't know what everybody's
fussing about - I'm fine.

Actually, Carol,
I needed a quick word with you.

Sally and I, we're really concerned
about you both.

We think that Dad needs
professional care now.

Oh, no, Kaden. We can cope.

We all saw what happened, Carol.

There's a lot of pent up anger
in him.

Who knows what he's capable of
with this condition?

SHE SIGHS

Well, I suppose a couple of visits
a week might help.

We were thinking
something more permanent.

He should be in a home.

A home?!

There's a dead good one
up in Hexham.

You could visit him
every single day.

He won't have that.
This is his forever home.

The thing is, Carol,
it's not really up to you, is it?

As you can see, the house
is in our names, mine and Sally's.

I suppose
there was always the possibility

of our mother turning up.

Why he never annulled the marriage,
I will never know.

No, he... he did annul it.
He told me.

I'm afraid
there's no record of that.

There's no decree absolute.

VOICEMAIL BEEPS

Hi, Kaden, it's Sal.

OK, then put it on the market!

Let's sell.

PATRICK: Nighty-night. Nighty-night.
Sleep tight.

Yeah. Don't let
the bed bugs don't bite.

Yeah. All right, put Mummy on.

All right, pet?

No, no. No, no, I'm not drunk.
URINE HITTING TOILET

Yeh, you too. All right,
see you, love. Bye-bye, bye, bye.

You all right, Sal?
Hurry up!

TOILET FLUSHES
Me libido's in a coma.

Well.

We will have to do something...
about that.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hm. Phwoar!
Yeah, you ready?

♪ Ah, duh-duh-duh. ♪

Ah, ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah, ah!

Thoughts?

Positive thoughts.
Come here, you.

Champagne?
I'm not made of money, you know.

But I'm about to be, Patrick Tanner.

I'm gonna buy us a beautiful
little house in Ponteland.

We can get married in Las Vegas!
Vegas?

SALLY LAUGHS

RUMMAGING

Carol, where are my ear plugs?

Top left drawer.

You told me you got an annulment.

I-I... What?

That was a lie.

You're still married to Joan.

Carol, I am getting
just a little bit sick of this.

Sorry to break the news,

but I don't think your beloved Joan
is coming back, Robert.

Why can't you just
shut up about her?

What a bloody joke we all are.

I've loved you. You've loved her.

And she loved him.
You think that I loved Joan?

I hated her f*cking guts.

She deserved everything she got.

Deserved what?

What did she get, Robert?

I'll tell you what she didn't get.

She didn't get this.

She didn't get what we've got.

The love that we've got.

She didn't get this.

CLATTERING

Oh, sh*t!

SHE EXHALES
OK.

NAILS CLATTER
TO FLOOR

GASPS

SHE SQUEALS

What were you doing down there?

'Robert Barrie, what have you done?'

'Your life
will be turned upside down.'

Everything you have worked so hard
for all of your life, all gone.

Excuse me,
baby's pressing on me bladder.

It is two grand a month
we give her, right?

Is that a problem?
CARD MACHINE BEEPS

'Your fiance is a lucky man.'

'He's the most beautiful man
in Northumberland.'

'He's a liability.

'He's muddling medication.
He's a serious danger.'

Carol is messing everything up
for us. I've got us a buyer.

Rob, I know you told me not to,
but I went downstairs.

I found the freezer.