01x02 - Miracle's Are Real

[bunniefuu]

Happy first day of spring, everyone.

Here's one for you and you, Happy.

Your revealing attire
is as disrespectful

as your eye contact.

You're fun.

Andrew, may these flowers bring you

a lucky luckiness over spring break.

Please I stopped playing she loves me,
he loves me not,

he loves me, she loves me not,
they love her,

but I love the three of them not,
years ago.

I pricked myself.

I pricked myself, not.

Wow, the last time
I got a flower as a gift I...

No, I can't spend another


So sad.

Still, food is food.

"Helen, my sweet baby...

"Baby and I hope this gets you
through the loneliness

- "that will be your spring break."
- Quiet down!

- "And may you always..."
- Quiet down!

Hi, Larry. I got you this flower.

I once read
that the first flowers of spring

have enchanted special powers.

That's great.

Although, obviously
there's no such thing

as enchanted special powers.

- I disagree.
- You're the science teacher.

You should know better.

Why, Larry, you hard-hearted cynic,

I, for one, love all this magical crap
and I shall cherish them.

So how do you get this
in the bloodstream?

Is it a grind-in smoke,
or is it like a peyote,

where you chew on it
then you try to f*ck the desert.

These flowers really
are blessed, Larry.

I found them surrounded
by the most serene and still animals.

It was so peaceful,
I almost forgot my little Merch.

I mean, there was that one bird orgy

toward the end, but that was it.

I think I know what this is.

"Conium maculatum.
Common name, hem..."

"Hem" what? Come on move your head.
Move your head!

"... lock, oh, hemlock!"

They triple teamed me.

I think this is hemlock.
Somebody could get sick from this.

- But the book said...
- Who cares, you're so impressionable.

I'm so impressionable, OK?

- Oh, great. Now you're mad.
- Oh, great. Now I'm mad.

Damn it, I did it again!

I'm the idiot. I don't have
all the answers,

for all I know there is something
special to her magical thinking.

Maybe these flowers are lucky.

Dealers, they're so moody.

Check out the horny bird.

Welcome back, everyone.

I trust you all had
a lovely spring break

at the Gainesville
poison control center.

Actually, I bounced back
from the hemlock poisoning right away,

but I think that's because
I have the strongest constitution.

He's coming out of his coma.

Welcome back, everyone.

I just got some sad news from
the Gainesville poison control center.

Andrew is coming out of his coma.

So, we won't be splitting
his paycheck after all.

Well, we can't unsell his car.

And to get back on story,

apparently, our insurance doesn't
cover voluntary self-poisoning.

This better be another
misleading dream sequence.

- Thanks a lot, Miracle.
- No, don't thank me.

I'm the one who got everyone
sick with the enchanted hemlock.

So, we need money. Therefore,
we've asked the parents to come

to our spring fair this weekend
and they said no.

Well, why wouldn't they?
Parents don't come to the fair anymore.

Why, between the goldfish
bowls filled with lacquer.

Oh, we got a loser.

And the steel-plated balloons.

Loser.

And the fact that the steel-plated
balloons were so close

to our over-inflated basketballs.

Double loser, a double loser.

Why, no parent has ever actually
won anything at the school fair.

That's right. So, this year
we're going to advertise

that it's a fair-fair
and we'll get them all back.

In fact, we're going all-out
on the grand prize for the raffle.

It's a self-cleaning
german coffee maker

with an automatic drip.

I've overslept.

The Germans are such crasmen.

This is even more realistic

than that mexican
hand blower in the bathroom.

Kids, they'll paint my face
around anything with a hole in it.

Oh, Sue, I'm really sorry.

I lost my apartment, because of
the cost of the stomach pumping.

Oh, thanks again
for the snack, Miracle.

Willard, I wish you would
have told me you were homeless.

I would have locked
the storage closet.

In any event, everyone will be working
the same booths they did last year.

And if anyone is caught
cheating, they'll be fired.

Ah, I wasn't here last year.

I worked as a clown
in a prison facility,

but I refuse to be a clown
at this event.

- That's fine. We don't need a clown.
- Oh, everyone needs a clown,

but, unfortunately,
it's not going to be me.

Bee!

Then just be yourself.

Oh, and Helen, you'll be back
at the dunk tank.

- No fair! It's too damn risky.
- Scared your make-up will wash off?

This is natural, baby. I mean, sure,
maybe I use a little bit of powder.

Same bee!

Maybe an inch of base.

And Miracle, you'll be running
the kissing booth.

I'm sorry,

but it's sacred indonesian mouth
massage. It's life affirming.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to imply anything impure,

but it's our biggest money maker and
you're the number 1 b*tch in my stable.

Can't you see you're being
taken advantage of?

I mean, a bunch of losers pay
to make out with you for 30 seconds

and when those at the back
of the line get their turn,

I find out you don't take coupons.
It's not fair to you.

Oh, you don't get me, Larry.

I'm spiritual and free and pure.

And if you really wanted
to be my friend,

you'd get in line early and pay
full price like everybody else.

Miracle, wait. I'm sorry.

Hoes.
They're so moody.

Boy, the man cannot hold
this hemlock.

A little lower, Happy.
That things been there so long.

God knows what's living under it.

OK, who left
the coffee maker out here?

Willard, you really have
to find a place to live.

- That would take a miracle.
- I'm happy to help.

You know, I belong to this super
spiritual personal enrichment center.

It's the one
with the big bell out front.

- Maybe you can stay there.
- Really?

You just have to duck the clangor
every hour because if it hits you,

the bell won't ring
and that's a big deal.

So, I'd be living inside a bell
with an active clangor.

What's the catch?

I can take you now. I'm on my way
out there to watch my astral event.

It's the night
my prophecy comes true.

I shall pack my filies.

Prophecy?
What prophesy?

You're just going to say
I'm impressionable.

And you'll tell me anyway.

Well, I'm just going
tell you anyway.

It's a prophecy I've waited
my whole life for...

and I actually got it at a fair.

Just like this one.

"When you look to the star
of your birth

"as it aligns with Pluto,
you shall..."

Oh, my god,
I got the exact same fortune.

Tonight is the night
I need to stare at those stars

so my secret prophecy
will come true.

{\Actually, }I'd love to go with you.

Why, {\so you can }to make fun
of my mystical thinking?

No. {\You know what?}I'm tired of us constantly
having this fight.

Let's once and for all
see who's right.

If the prophecy does come true, I will
believe in your spiritual based world.

And if it doesn't, you'll believe

in my rational scientific
approach to life.

This will be enchanted.

I disagree.

I've got something to prove

It's in the way the planets move

It's the orbit around the sun

The stars align and we are one

Show me your love of science

I'll show you the science of love

Show me your love of science

I'll show you the science of love

The science of love, love, love

The science of love, love, love

The science of love, love, love

The science of love

The stars aligned at 6 a.m.
That means nothing happened.

I only heard 5 bongs and a scream.

That is one fast clangor.

Has anything mystical happened to you?
Did your fortune come true,

or do you now agree
that there is no magic?

- No miracles to believe in?
- I guess you're right.

There is no magic.

There are no miracles.

You man, you rational man...

"When you look
to the star of your birth

"as it aligns with Pluto,
you shall receive..."

"... receive a kiss from he
who will be the greatest love"

"of your life."

How stupid am I?

So, how did it go
with Miracle last night?

Did you disprove her magical
ways and core beliefs?

Yes, and I'm such an idiot.
If I hadn't spent the whole night

making her less gullible,
she'd be thinking that we're soul mates.

I mean, what do I care
if miracles aren't real?

- Miracles' aren't real?
- No, have you ever seen one?

No.
I'd like to see them both,

but her damn baby's
always in the way.

- You're talking about her breasts.
- Why, she'd has an a*s job, too?

Hey, Miracle. Cute baby.

I've been meaning to say that ever since
you had it {\in the pool }during that swim meet.

I've also been meaning
to apologize for yelling

"jelly fish"
when your placenta came out.

Anyway, I know how mystical
the bond is between mother and baby,

but I was wondering if you'd be willing
to hand me the baby for a moment

so I could just see what it's like.

I used to believe that a baby
had to be with its mother all the time,

but now I know it doesn't matter,

because there is nothing
mystical in the world.

- Here, just take him for the day.
- I don't want to take him for the day,

I just want to see what it's like.

Wait a minute. What's happening? Lift
your head. I can't see your chestacles.

Who's this? What's happening?
All right. What is this?

- Did you break Miracle?
- What the Ava Gardner's going on?

Miracle just told me that
since there's nothing mystical,

she's leaving the commune
and that means I have to leave the bell.

And I just found
a way to make it work.

You don't duck the clangor,
you ride the clangor.

It's a good bell.

Miracle just said she doesn't believe
in indonesian tongue massage anymore.

What did you do to her?

I perhaps scientifically

disproved the basis
of her personality.

That was my second
favorite part of her.

You are a soulless man.

Soulless.

Dearest Miracle no longer
brightens my lonely life

with her whimsy fidgetish.

If I have cancer in me,
I hope give it to you with this kiss.

Well, at least
Happy's not mad at me.

Hey, Sue, now that Miracle
only believes in science,

I heard you need someone
for the kissing booth.

I can't let it be
inappropriate or disgusting.

Disgusting, you'll be
on the dunk tank.

Damn it!
I wish I could get her on that dunk tank

and show the world
what that dress tries to hide.

Hide, you mean she's a man?

No, of course not.

You mean he's a woman?

- No, it doesn't exist. It's a myth.
- What's a myth?

- The pajinas.
- The pahoona?

No, the pahoona do exist and they're
a totally straight indian tribe.

But the pajinas, it's the stuff
of rumor and legend like...

queen fatula, or the yetes yahoo.

No, she's a woman, all right.

And when I'm through with her,
she's going to be a big fat wet one.

We're in the show.
We're back in the show.

We're in it.

I'll be watching very closely

to make sure
this raffle isn't rigged.

I want everything exposed
and out in the open.

That's what I was trying to do
with Miracle's sweater puppies.

Suddenly, I'm father of the year.

And where is the baby?

It's in that sack.

This is becoming a full-time job.

There's got to be a way I can trick him
into thinking he's with his mother.

Wait a minute.

This will do just fine.

I like this.

Very realistic to someone

else.

I like it.
It's good.

- Good height, too.
- I can't believe this.

Miracle's depressed and everyone's
mad at me for changing her.

I just wish that there was

some magical way
I could make everything right again.

This is strange.

Wasn't on the invoice,
but they had me deliver it anyway.

Oh, here she is under vending.

This is the booth that
Miracle got her fortune from.

I wonder if there's
some way that I can use it

to get Miracle
to believe in magic again.

And get a kiss at the same time.

"Beware, he who tampers
with the mystical law

"will suffer the wrath of... "

Campers!
Of course,

we just have to rip out
this stupid old gypsy doll

and find someone
to act like a ringer.

Oh, my god, I know a ringer.

You want me to move
into a small glass booth

- with exposed electrical wires?
- That's right.

What's the catch?

You just have to give Miracle
this fortune when she uses the machine.

{\That way }She'll believe in miracles again
and she'll see that I'm her true love.

Oh, and the machine
goes back at midnight.

Like a cinderella story where a girl
goes from being dressed like a peasant.

- {\Oh, yeah, }You have to dress like a peasant girl.
- I'll drape my underwear over my head.

Pack up your filthies, mister.
You're moving.

I'm not being funny.

It's really hot in here.

Also, this isn't really a seat.

It's some kind of spindle.

I think it's how her head moved.

Great yeti's ah-hoo!

My heart has been cooked
like a baked potato.

Maybe you should get the dummy back.

Oh, I think it's too late.

I tossed it in Happy's shed.

A woman is here.

It is a miracle.

Look, I've got to turn Miracle back

into the mystical thinker
that I know she is.

So, as soon as she comes by,
you give her this card saying

"The love of your life
will kiss you tonight."

I'll kiss her.
She'll be mine.

Oh, hey, Sue, just setting up
this crazy old fortune telling booth.

- You haven't seen Miracle, have you?
- Oh, yes.

We set her up in the science booth.

She'll be there all night.

Science booth?

Now, I can't officially
issue a certificate for this.

I can't get her over here now and I'll
never make it to the front of her line.

It's last year all over again.

Damn it.
My pal's depressed.

I have to do something.

Now, what would cheer me up?

Of course.

Coming through.
Staff emergency.

One please.

Now, what would cheer Larry up?

Of course.

Stop mucking up the raffle ball.

You're right.
I hate it.

It's stupid and I never
want to see it again.

You reached the carnival
supply nightshift.

Uh, yeah, I'm super casual.

Is the raffle ball available
for delivery or...

It's the middle of the night!
Stop calling here!

Just finish setting up the booths

so we can have the raffle
and then take the baby out of here.

Oh, my god!
The baby.

If I lose little Merch,
Miracle will never raise her head again

and I'll never see
what's under there.

Right now that doesn't bother me,
because I'm sated,

but I also I feel like I should find
the baby, because it's a baby.

I feel as if you are judging me.

You've grown sullen,

Happy turning dramatically.

Oh, and there go the lights.

Perhaps some privacy is called for.

The lights are back on.

Oh, they are so many feelings here.

Thousands of years of tradition,

guilt, shame all playing out
against a...

He's on to the charade.
He's looking for legs now.

No sense that anyone would be
looking for at this point,

but she's not a proper girl.

Well, let's listen in.

You have left me,

but I shall find you

and never let you go again for...

Oh, I see.

He assumes she's left
a mannequin in her place.

I can hardly wait to see
how this plays out.

And the winner
of the coffee maker...

Number 47.

Anyone?


Wait a minute.
That's me!

I won the raffle!
It pays to be honest.

Anybody got a problem with that?

Enjoy the fair.

I'm going to strut.
Hit it.

I can't take it anymore.

I mean, at least the clangor
stopped now and...

I'm out of here.

Look, Willar you can't.
Sue's coming.

I got to get in the booth.

Well you were beaten mercilessly
in the shower

You took an old-fashioned shive
in the crown

They fired tear gas on your a*s
from the tower

And when you got back up,
you were feeling down

So,

Someone sent you a prison clown

Someone bought you or bartered you
a prison clown

What the hell are you doing? I've got
to get in this machine before Sue sees

that I've ried it and I get fired.
Get away from me, you clown.

So, it's like that.

Well, now I'm sorry I took
CPR lessons to cheer myself up

so that later I could dress like this
and cheer you up.

OK, here she comes.

Now, miss me a couple
of times so she feels

it's safe to come up here and then
we'll show her who's disgusting.

Hey, Sue.

I don't think this little missy's got
enough oomph to get {\the ball }to the dinger.

Why don't you sit up here?

Hey, I've got more ba*ls
to more dingers than you ever will.

I cannot tell you
how much this reminds me

of a living creature soup
I had in Japan once.

It was luck.

Come on, Sue, for me.
Give it a try.

You know what? Since I won
the big raffle, I'm feeling lucky.

Let's have Andrew
take her best shot.

Miracle,

if you want to belive in miracles.

Oh, this is perfect.
I need a miracle right now.

Pardon me, gotta cut,
kind of important.

Yeah, hi, madam Xaoh.

I'm the world's biggest skeptic and
I don't really believe in this stuff,

- but...
- Hey, Ennis. It's me.

Oh, my god.
That is my name.

Well, you've made
a believer out of me.

Oh, powerful woman
whose name is hoax backwards.

- I just noticed.
- Ennis, it's me, Larry.

This isn't real. Get out of here.
Let Miracle step up.

It's rigged?

So, now I've lost a baby
and all my nickels?

You lost my baby?

Oh, yeah, I got kind of side
tracked by this raffle ball

that I'm never going to call again.

How could you?

Baby!

I lost my baby.

Baby!

I want you, baby.

Baby, come live with me

in my tool shed forever.

Be life's companion.

What's the catch?

Oh, happy ending.

But maybe not for baby Merch.

So, I bet you feel like a winner?

With yourself,
queen of coffee making raffle prize.

Actually, I thought you all could use it
in the teacher's lounge.

I'm going to give it to you.

Oh, my gosh.

Sue did something nice.

It's a freaking miracle.

Well, you're not going
to throw it, then I am.

This is your fault, madam Xaoh.

Get ready to lose
something precious.

It's Larry.
We've been over this.

Oh, my god, it's a miracle.

An actual pajinas,

although I always
pictured it frowny, not smiley.

It's a magnet.
Sue cheated.

Number 47, that's me.

Gotcha, Sue.
And that means...

we don't get to keep
our coffee maker.

I think there are some people
who did win a prize.

I knocked Sue in.
So, let's see, I'll take...

The chinese finger cuffs,
an eraser...

Give me
the unlicensed "family guy" baby

that's clutching
onto the unlicensed Pluto dog.

- Kind of a weird combo.
- Oh, my god,

It's my baby.

It's safe.

Oh, Merch.
I'm so sorry, baby.

Oh, baby, I've missed you so much.

Oh, my god, the fortune was right.

You're clutching this stuffed dog
that looks like Pluto vaguely.

You're the greatest love of my life.

Miracles are real.

They sure are.

Can I get that stuffed dog
for a second?

It is a mystical world.
I don't care what Larry says.

Hey, where's Larry?

He's been electrocuted.

Does anyone know CPR?

I do.

My kiss.

I got my kiss.

It's a miracle.

No, it's a Stuart,

but it is exactly
how Miracle does CPR.

She taught me.