01x01 - Sexual Harassment

[bunniefuu]

DJ and the froj.

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The fro.

Did you hear about Jim the janitor? He groped Hilda the receptionist and had to go to sexual harassment training on the ninth floor.

Dude, sucks to be him. Are you kidding?

Once he finished, they gave him like the most insanely awesome t-shirt. What' you say, Caspers?

Gropes are for dopes. Cool. I want one so badly. All right, then follow my lead.

[cough and clears throat]

Hey, Dee. Uh, I just thought of something that should be right up your alley. My wiener. [laughter] Did you go go?

Okay. Uh, yeah, fro, your rear end is really attractive. I would enjoy sexuality with it.

DJ the fro my office now.

Good job. Let's go ahead and keep moving. We're going to lunge to the side for one. [laughter] One. Squeeze your abs.

This chick thinks everything is hilarious. Wait, did you hear about that homeless guy that was set on fire?

Did you hear the one about ethnic cleansing?

[laughter]

Poor African children, sudden infant death syndrome,

[screaming]

[laughter]

partial birth ab*rtion, holocaust, [laughter] dark fur.

Gary unmarried.

[screaming]

Hey, I'd rather see sobbing aerobics.

I think that comes later when she's alone.

I haven't seen this much camel toe since I worked at the Egyptian foot locker.

[screaming]

[laughter]

Great job. That felt so good. We laugh, but there is no God. I think she knows.

DJ the pro.

Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that you two have been sexually harassing each other. Is this true? It is, sir. We feel really dirty.

Yeah. I feel like my soul answered a modeling ad and when my soul got there, the photographer said, "Take your clothes off." But my soul didn't want to

because she thought it might ruin her chances of being on the hit show House.

Well, one more infraction and I'll be forced to enroll you in our sexual harassment training course.

Really, you guys? The anatomically correct interlocking finger handginina thingy. [laughter]

It looks like a vag*na, but it's fingers. All right, that's it. Ninth floor now.

Yeah.

I have to say, I'd expect these shenanigans from a c*ck spaniel, but a stafert or terrier?

He doesn't seem fully aroused. Yeah, this dog's like Janine Garop. No lipstick.

[laughter]

I haven't seen anyone try this hard to get a red rocket since Iranian President Mahmood Ahmedinad.

Bro, that's totally what I used to have to do before we met. I know, dude.

I don't understand why you would rub it like that when he can be licking it.

I don't understand how he could look so bored, but I'm so excited.

Ooh, switching it up. I would do that, but I can't work a mouse with my left hand.

Well, hi DJ in the fro. My name is Gerald Thickens. Now, through my lessons and exercises, I will help you to see

how sexual harassment is hurtful and wrong. Whatever it takes to get the t-shirt.

Okie do. Then first, what you need to understand is that your victims are real people with real feelings, just like you

and me. I want you to look into each other's eyes. Okay? Now, see the humanity in your victim's faces. Okay?

Move closer.

Even closer. And maybe you two should do that thing where you nuzzle each other, barely touching the tips of your noses gently.

Dude, what the I'm just documenting your progress here.

It's nothing to worry about. You keep going. Feels good, right? Feels good. If you feel the healing, I want you to say, "I ache for you." What? I ache for you?

Hey, so you guys like R. Kelly. You want me to put a little R. Kelly on?

Excuse me, mister, but this seems weird.

You know, you're right. It is weird that your shirts are still on. Let's get you out of those. Fro, do you think me? Oh, okay.

[music]

Real good job, guys. Go ahead and relax now. That was some great work on your first day. And as a reward for completing the first exercise with such

flying colors, I'm going to let you eat pie off my thigh. Thigh pie. You ever heard of it? It's divine.

Come and get it.

DJ the bro.

Look, bro, those t-shirts would be awesome. Okay. And that thigh pie was obviously delicious.

Yeah, I think the crust was made from scratch.

Uh-huh. But honestly, this General Thickens guy is really creeping me out.

Oh god. No t-shirt is worth listening to you whine about this. All right. If Thickens does one more thing to make you uncomfortable, we'll just get him to

sign our certificates and get back to our lame jobs of watching this sweet clip we just got from Yin and Yang.

Hi, I'm Reckless and I'm the sign up.

Oh yeah. [screaming] Why do you think his name is Reckless?

Because he's totally reckless with his snacking. [laughter] Dude, what are you doing? You're one credit short of a double major in philosophy and art history.

Oh yeah. [screaming] Can't headbutt your way to the top, kid.

But he did just headbutt his way into my heart.

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Yeah. [screaming] Wow. Kiss really does look different without their makeup on. Totally fro.

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I wonder if that's the guy's roommate in the background there behind the curtain.

Yeah, he totally woke him up with his jamming. But what could the roommate even say? Like, uh, could you please not bravely defy your handicap so loudly?

[music]

This guy's remarkable. I mean, can you think of a better one-handed guitarist?

No, I'm stumped. [laughter] Well, come on, man. Give this guy some respect. All right. I mean, listen to him. He totally shreds.

Yeah. So does the shark that bit his arm off. [laughter] Bro, you're being a serious d*uche. This guy is doing his mind-blowing. He's an inspiration.

Yeah, you're right. The fact that he taught himself to be so great with the axe after being so awful with the other axe. [laughter] Yeah. [screaming] Yeah. In your face.

Wait, wait, wait. One more. Okay. I bet his band gets booked for gigs all the time because they always come with their

own amp. [laughter] Yeah. [screaming] Yeah. Yeah. Nailed it. Nailed it.

[laughter]

All right. All right. I'm out. All done.

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I love the melody, but he sure could use a hook. [laughter]

[screaming]

[screaming]

Now the important thing to remember is that sexual harassment doesn't just come from here.

It also comes from the heart and the gut and above all the mind.

You'll understand all of this much better once you've finished. See, fro.

All right, Mr. Thickens. We really appreciate all this and I think we get it. Yeah. Yeah, you've taught us a lot, sir.

So, if you could just sign our certificate so we can get back to our jobs. [laughter] That's cute. Adorable. Really? But I'll

decide when you're done. And if I don't sign those certificates, you two won't have jobs to go back to. Okay. Now, now, where were we? Oh, yes.

You were expressing some casual interest in the adult-sized Catholic school girl uniforms I brought right here in my briefcase.

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[screaming]

Yeah, I'm not sure Armenia was the best place to farm out the Baywatch franchise, too.

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I bet the girl in that bear costume is like super hot. Yeah. Or, you know, a burn victim.

[laughter]

If you thought a bear had to be beaten severely to make it ride a tricycle, you should see what it takes to get one to jump up and down on a bed in a nighty.

[laughter]

You see, Frochairs can go down escalators just like Oh my god. [screaming] Yeah.

You okay, man? Wow. That guy saved at least seconds.

I could watch people fall down escalators all day.

Yeah, technically someone could fall down an escalator all day. Come on, get up, kid. Walk it off.

You're fine. Come on, walk it off. back in the game.

And I kept telling him that I felt uncomfortable and that I wanted to cry.

And then he said that I was making his pants cry. And then I felt confused.

Gerald Thickens is a pervert. Sir, Gerald Thickens is the most respected sexual harassment guru in the whole

city. He is a contributing editor to the sexual harassment picune. Do you even remember what the third floor was like before he cleaned it up? Do you? Since

Mr. Thickens got here, there has not been even so much as a single tuning in of Tokyo. Now, before we sully the

reputation of a great great man, are you confident enough in your little fairy tale to testify before the human resources board, Mr. Gerald Thickens,

and your own personal god? Huh? Are you?

No, we're not confident enough in anything ever. We had no idea he was such a great man.

Yeah, I I I guess we misunderstood. Now, get back to your training. Goodbye.

Our plan is working perfectly.

I hope to God you know what you're doing.

DJ, the pro. [screaming] Cool.

Dude, did that chick just take out her breast implant?

What? You never knew girls could do that? Have you ever even been to a strip club?

Yeah.

I haven't seen latex stretch that much since I put on that go Diego go condom.

[laughter]

Oh man, what I wouldn't give to be that water balloon. You want to be filled with water stretched out to the point of breaking and then popped to death some days. Dude, this chick is so hot.

You just know that water balloon's going to pop way too early.

Fro, who's winning this wet t-shirt contest? We are, dee. We are.

I like this clip cuz it really makes you think.

Well, fro, let's just get our daily visit to sexual harassment training over with.

I know. This has been the worst months of my life. Damn you, Gerald Thickens. Thickens? Gerald Thickens?

Trying to get those t-shirts, huh?

You think this is some kind of vacation for us? Yeah. Well, guess what? I called up my travel agent this morning and turns out, yeah, it's not.

We know, DJ and the Fro. We've been to the ninth floor and back.

Ken, back in the early s, Dorene and I used to sexually harass the be Jesus out of

each other. That's when I first met Gerald Thickens. It took me years of

therapy before I could even look at a piece of pie again. I used to be the president of the R.

Kelly fan club. Now his music is the soundtrack to my nightmares.

Oh, Ken. Dorene, I had no idea. Gerald Thickens is an incurable cancer.

No, Dorene. If there's one thing I know about life, it's that no cancer is incurable. Fro, what are you saying?

Deej, who knows how many times this has happened. Dozens, hundreds, maybe even gazillions. But I'm scared. From dude,

you got to ask yourself, what would Bill Cosby do? Tell a joke.

Oh, wait. I was totally thinking of somebody else. Who's the guy who shot those kids on the subway in New York?

Yeah, never mind. Anyway, the point is, if we don't put a stop to this now, nobody will.

Mr. Balding, we need to talk to you about something really important right after we watch this awesome clip from

Gaseous Melly. You guys want to go for a ride? Mabel, what do you want to do? Do you want to go for a ride or you want to go for a walk? You want to go for a walk? Hey, looks like the view is on.

Do you want [clears throat] to go for a walk or do you want to go to bed? You want to go to bed?

You want to get put to sleep? Who wants to get put to sleep?

Let's go for a ride. Let's go for a walk. My scenile grandma used to do the same thing when I ask her questions like, "Want to close your robe when you

go to the store? Want to stop breaking your hip?

Want to stop accusing the black nurse of stealing? Want to stop calling your adopted granddaughter a China? Do you want to go for a walk or do you want to go to bed? You want to go to bed?

Since he got out of jail, Michael Vic has turned into a real p*nsy.

Want to go for a ride? Let's go for a ride. Let's go for a walk to the dog park. Okay. Okay, let's go.

You do this to a bunch of dogs and you're hilarious. But you do it to a bunch of deaf kids and suddenly you're a monster. [laughter] Oo, but check this one out.

Yeah, you got to get the cover off if you're going to swim in it, but you want to have fun doing it. All right, here's how you do it. And have fun, baby.

I don't know where this is going, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say whatever this guy is about to do is a very good idea.

So, the best case scenario is he makes it into the pool and gets tangled up in the tarp and drowns.

All right, we're up here nice and high.

This is like the circus Olay but without all the adolescent Asian people bending around and giving me an erection.

[laughter]

All right, here we go. Cover up the pool tent. Yeah.

If you think about it, what got hurt most was his ego and his spine. [laughter] He must not have read the instructions

that came with the ladder. Don't be a douchebag. [laughter] H

DJ the pro.

Go raise an army and bring them to me immediately.

If you look real close in this video, you'll see some nerds.

Pretend I buy my fake sword. Stupid.

Yeah, dude. All we've got to do is buy us some capes and fake battle axes and we'll be up to our necks in Nerd Tang.

I got to give big props to their big props. [laughter]

Hey, bro. Do they do this because they're virgins or are they virgins because they do this?

Classic chicken in the egg situation. Yeah.

Yeah. Hell hath no fury like a dork with a foam rubber pole axe.

Cool.

With all the focus on Iraq, it's almost like we forgotten about the problems in Afghanistan.

But if we don't k*ll nature, how will we build our houses?

Uh-oh. Vault Trainers got off book again.

He's just like a Middleear Robin Williams. Stupid. Who gave me these pieces to forbidden power?

The plot of this thing is like Swiss currency. There's no sense. Boo. Break it down. That's right. Yes. I'm tiny. I'll go in.

I'm desperate. I'll do anything.

Ooh, credits. I want to see who played the nerd.

Mr. Balding, do it. Fro What's all this ruckus? We're ready to testify.

Sexual harassment is wrong. And if people like us don't take a stand, then people like Gerald

Thickens will continue to force innocent, hardworking Americans to eat admittedly delicious pie off of his

inner thigh. I say no more. It is delicious. Thank you, Deej.

[applause]

Well, congratulations, boys. You've reached the finish line. You've passed. Really? Really?

Oh, God. [laughter] Oh. Oh, thank you, Jesus. Oh, man. This is the greatest day of my life. So, this was all part of the training, huh?

That's right. But you gave us herpes.

I did. But isn't that a small price to pay for an education that will last you a lifetime? Yeah. No.

That's why he's the best. Yeah. Nice job. Hey, they did it. You deserve those t-shirts.

You know, when we took Mr. Thickens class, we only got t-shirts. We didn't get herpes.

No, we didn't, Dorene. But DJ and the Fro did.

[music]

Next week on DJ and the Fro. What the hell are we watching?

Yeah, this sucks.

So, this dude has a big belly. Like, whatever.

Yeah. Let me see if we got it. Yeah,

[screaming]

[laughter]

man.

[screaming]

DJ the pro.

DJ, the pro

The fro

[screaming]

chirp.

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