01x05 - Fair

[bunniefuu]

mother of all that is wet look at the size of those drinks you do realize there's no alcohol in them hey yet jamie i didn't get this far in

life by accident you mean unemployed and living off your youngest son well it's not like i can sponge off your two loser brothers

okay one blueberry manilow and one banana nicole smith that'll be . ah good lady you seem to have caught me

a little short today doesn't it bother you that you're years old and never had a checking account those are for girls i got me an atm card

smart a*s it stands for automatic teller machine yeah thanks i was there in when that story broke

okay laugh a minute let me pop her in secret code whatever what do i owe you

including child support um nine hundred thousand dollars that might put a strain on the daily

[Music]

limit low

[Music]

low five

[Music]

so what are you up to this weekend chuckles absolutely nothing well how will you know when you're done yeah write that one down funny man i

come up with gold too i'm leaving now nelson i'll meet you at the gate so where's your little helper going she's got a weekend in vegas with her

dumb boyfriend . are you writing this down don't be late well i'm off if you need me too bad have

fun howdy folks i'm sheriff bob and i order you to come on down join in

the fun this weekend at the fair and sunday only don't miss our musical stage extravaganza starring man himself tv's james blake

starring james blake kathy get mark on the phone oh i was so close

this publicity is a gift okay and you don't look a gift horse in the mouth you kiss that horse i'm still not doing it

fyi this county fair is owned by transmedia live productions which as you know owns man i.e your a*s

what are you saying if you don't do this fair you can kiss your two picture deal goodbye oh there's an upside james how do you feel about free tickets

not just for you for the whole family limit ten hello uh

yes hang on a sec hey i'm sure you're too busy but i've got these tickets for some dumb fare i don't know maybe the kids would want to go

the fair you're the best little brother a guy could have emily we're going to the fair on sunday

gary what day is sunday uh emily day hence we'll be at the fair and

you'll be at the spa see how nicely that worked out

well done lola now you get to choose who has to drink but you're the only one of us who's over . damn these rules

all right listen up you're all in big trouble and as your punishment you'll all be required to

have a good time tomorrow at the fair all right hey dad dad uncle gary's taking us to the fair

all right i hear they've got this ride and it spins you upside down at miles an hour oh and you feel like your head's gonna

explode then you just puke out your guts oh sounds like tequila tuesday at the jet lag don't worry son we don't have to go

anywhere near those rides there's a thrilling exhibit on solar power that's energy from the sun kids

this will be fun i can't believe i actually have to do this lame show come on jamie what's not

to like i love fairs it's a fair not an affair either way i ride all day in the basement don't even think about

it sammy you're not coming this is my day with the kids and i'm not letting you screw it up for them if i screw it up you mean let the kids

go on rides play games and have fun then i'm guilty your honor and they're off you lecturing me on parenting that's rich

i raised you three kids didn't i if by raised you mean getting mom pregnant and then taking off here splitter you're not coming sammy and

that's that calm down gary aren't you being a little hard on the scamster does this ring a bell african lion

safari hey kitties why don't you get out of the car and mingle with the animals roxy and i need some alone time the

rules say not to leave the car it looks all scary yeah yeah now make like doctor doolittle and go talk to the animals

hey hey oh no i think that one likes it jamie beckham he's still our father

he's still not going bottles a pop on the wall come on

bottoms up

okay everyone we're gonna implement the classic buddy system i call james i call kathy did i hear last call

i think that spare tire owes me a conjugal visit all right kitties who's ready for some rockin and rollin

[Music]

one time i don't triple check the trunk and you call yourself a father why i'll tell you this sammy i don't want to hear you i don't want to listen

to you if if you open your mouth one more time gary you've got a lot of vein in that forehead there settle down this day is about the kids

oh i beg to differ this day is not about the kids it's about man and james you have to go out there and perform for those

kids okay so yeah i suppose it is about the kids

what did i tell you kids the library of congress on wheels look they let you rewrite the declaration of independence and finger paints

snoozer maybe you'd like to go back in the van no craig oh wiley

you kids are a handful today get your bungee cups guaranteed all your money back get your bungee cups

don't anyone move from this spot while i'm gone uncle james is in charge there's no way i'm wearing a leash they're not so bad they comfort me hey

yo carney yeah you can you work the strangler i got to grab some lunch uh okay uh hey i'll i'll be right back

okay fairgoers now let's get ready to dent our butts as we give you the man circus of musical thrills

james you have to get into wardrobe pronto but i have to watch the kids until gary transmedia live james trans media

sammy i gotta go watch the kids until gary gets back i'll watch him like they were my own this totally bites i want to go on the

serial k*ller the serial k*ller why didn't you say so lead the way milad this costume better not be embarrassing

mark says it's nothing it's like a little jacket okay let's talk choreography choreography okay it'll be five

six seven eight card wheel high kick into a split got it okay

let's do this people g*y it down pally

[Music]

jamie you're on just just nine more shows okay . these babies will keep

team blake together uh james kids james congo man says stay in school and say no to violence

and drugs and unsafe sex don't let them dent your butt

[Music]

no no bra let's go at this one

look at the wine no no not to worry it's time to employ the skills grandpa taught you stop there pally back of the line yes my

good man my name is mr wilson of the wishes for hope foundation perhaps you've heard of it

well i'm escorting these three poor children on their final how shall i say it well they don't have a lot of time

to wait in line if you get my drift mr wilson my kidneys are hurting again go right ahead sir

you kids can ride as long as you want

where are the kids james left them sammy but seriously where are the kids this is not tv here they can hear you

the kids are with sammy i'll k*ll him

[Music]

[Applause]

now that is gonna dent my butt

[Music]

out of my way you freaks james where the hell is wiley

it's okay he's my brother let him go where are the kids i just left them with sammy for a minute

oh my god hey hey hey hey hey listen while james and i understand that you love your child very much

you also must understand that we have an obligation to to give it to the people it's all yours mark give till it hurts

huh so here's how it went i offered my honor she honored my offer then all night long i was on earth

you like that one it's one of my favorites oh my god

hmm okay kids grandpa's gonna sit this one out what say you tackle it on your own

but i'm afraid to go on without you what's that buddy i'm scared grandpa okay now i hate to do this because i'm afraid it might bring

me bad luck but i'm gonna give you my lucky canadian nickel keep it with you at all

times and you'll be safe and sound really absolutely and if you change your mind i'll be on that fun looking ride over there

that's a bar grandpa so it is come on you big wuss it'll be excellent okay now you kids go decapitate i'll

stay here and inebriate don't forget to barf up your corn dog lucky nickel of canada lucky nickel

of canada hey there's todd

[Music]

todd we lost the kids oh yeah that's not good really you think lula craig

kids greg wiley it's no use this place is so big they're already dead by now now come on let's just think about this

logically we know he's not anywhere near the learning pavilion wait a minute wouldn't he just be at the bar

i wanna go

oh ow my a*s awesome that was cool

are you okay wiley i wanna go again oh yeah

[Music]

hmm i would say this is a madagascar light i believe the hops are collected by orangutans

an endangered little beer ah there he is i knew it where the hell are

the kids sammy they're in the fairgrounds they're doing what kids do they know where to find me my son is only five years old and you

left him on his own of course it sounds bad when you're screaming like that eh it's our childhood all over again daddy

we went upside down times he ralphed up his court dog twice wiley thank god you're safe i had the best

time ever what no you didn't but daddy we had fun don't talk back you want to have fun okay i'll show you all right to the

teacups oh ah who'd have thought they'd close the teacups

here we go the kooky caterpillar that looks scary

but dad just do it oh

don't worry kids i'll spring in no time sammy they're children all right children there's a time and a place for everything and if you let them do

all this now what'll be left when they're teenager sex and drugs oh he's got you there don't you have to go do your thing

oh uh i'm sure my understudy has it under control

[Applause]

[Music]

hey you're not the real man you don't know that this blows

hello we're stuck can we get off this stupid thing now sit there kids just a tree branch

i can fix it

oh

[Music]

everything will be fine kids don't panic i'm sure this happens all the time she's gonna blow i'm calling --

one of these has to work i think i know which one it is

hang on kids don't panic now i got another idea you idiot don't touch another thing hey you're the one that put them on the

stupid ride why i ought to get i just put them down how long till the rescue people show up minutes plenty of time to go win me

one of them big pink bears they don't give them away you see it coming but it still hurts

[Music]

hey man you suck ah the kid's right you suck kathy the show is called the man

circus of musical thrills and that is exactly what they're gonna get what good is sitting alone in your room

come hear the music hey this is lester caputo caputo

reporting live at the scene of what some locals are calling coaster death watch . three children cling to life high above the midway

all the while alleged superhero man stands idly by doing nothing

yeah mongol man uh if you recall in the movie i wasn't a superhero per se it was okay here goes

nothing aren't you scared i don't know when you

think about it the decapitator is way scarier than this hey prince tiny meat might be right and plus

i got my lucky nickel

[Music]

oh dear don't worry ma'am we're here for this

boy come hell or high one bucks if you leave goat boy here and come save my grandkids back her up boys

and that was the last time

thank you thank you the pipes i can't believe it you are k*lling thank

you okay i want to slow it down just a little bit tell a story of a much younger marc

jacobs

[Music]

[Applause]

wiley

[Applause]

[Music]

sammy hold on i'm almost there don't worry mr blake i'll be right back for you

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

i wasn't scared oh chris criminy kringle i sure was as we conclude our exclusive coverage of death coaster

we leave you with these final dramatic images

tough crowd

three four take off with us is he okay smashed out of his mind but

what a powerful entertainer hey take the shoulder to get us around traffic

but do what you think's best i don't know why you're mad at me you're the one who almost k*lled the kids you think you can just stroll into these

kids lives put them on a few snazzy rides throw a little cotton candy around and everyone's supposed to forget about your sordid past

don't you who's throwing cotton candy oh would you too please look both of you in your own unique ways

suck at parenting what daddy thank you for protecting me today well that's my job wiley

and grandpa here's your lucky nickel back oh thank you wiley it was touch and go for me without it what what was he talking about lucky

nickel i let wiley borrow my lucky nickel for the decapitator how come you never gave me a lucky nickel well here you go

i've been trying to get rid of that damn canadian coin all day

you