01x03 - Denver

[bunniefuu]

you're still here huh sam jamie the love a father feels for his son cannot be quenched by a mere two-week sabbatical

i'm here to bond buddy screwdriver no thanks so what happened your date last night was she honored the popcorn surprise it's not just for the movies jamie

it didn't look like you closed either laugh a minute yeah just when it started to get hot and heavy she decided it was a bad idea they all have their excuses i don't know

you well enough my parents will hear us i'm already behind on my student loan and this is confusing me more just quit the grin and then drop the

line and we're gonna do some sinning baby was that your commencement address to wellesley jamie let me give you a few pointers for a successful first

date first make sure she's not a cop second don't be afraid to haggle expect

it as part of the game and third if you enjoy the service get a card a beeper number a street corner

something low-fi people let me tell you about my best

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friend

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low five

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you know i normally don't go that far on the first date whoa whoa who said anything about a date think of this as more of a meet and

greet no pressure okay looks like they're done frolicking make the call hey it's ringing

hello happy birthday to you happy birthday to you oh you remembered they remembered

oh those boys are yours that's the uh ah that's the good stuff hey mom let me say hi to steve oh sure hon

gary wants to talk to you gary he's busy doing some payroll stuff oh what dedication

mom did you get the flowers i sent oh they're just lovely sweethearts hey no marks i'm working tonight who is

that dear oh gary he's watching cops again hey keep it down sammy we're on the

phone with mom jamie is your father there what you mean that first guy you married no hey can we use the hot tub in your

bathroom for a few hours bet she wore out the motor in the one in the guest house you're the one who kept cranking up the jets

i had so many bubbles at my a*s i thought i could fly would you be quiet go play outside sorry mom dad's got this girl over

and they're being very very loud todd no one told me sammy was visiting oh sammy's not visiting he's living here with jamie

living that man is living with i i don't understand let me talk to her don't worry i'll take care of this i got

it i begged jamie not to do it mom i told him it would break your heart i'm as appalled as you

for pete's sake marie the house is on fire sammy's living with jamie i told you

what this would do to her why didn't you just save her some pain and tell her you were a m*rder*r keep talking and i'll be able to blabber mouth james how's my favorite superstar

client mark this isn't a good time i got family stuff to deal with james i completely understand see i'm not just your agent i'm your friend

okay let's talk business he just said it wasn't a good time oh like there's a good time to tell someone they got to write a book in two days

what okay remember when you came to me last year and told me that acting wasn't enough for you and what you really wanted to be was an

author no let me handle this mark you know who all those sitcoms stars write those stupid books and make a fortune off them oh yeah and i wanted to be one of them

how to seduce a supermodel right we sold that pitch to harper what about it it's due monday what it's mark's fault we should have known about this eight months ago

well i can't write an entire book over a weekend not with that attitude look i don't have time for this i have a crisis on my hands

okay let me let me let me just sprinkle a little mark jacob's magic on the situation and see what blooms i told you it wasn't a good time honestly i didn't think it went that

badly hey mom it's me again oh hi hon how are you fine mom

listen i i just want to say you know i feel really bad why is that dear well you know for not telling you about sammy i feel

bad oh that don't be silly he just kind of showed up at the mongol man from here and then i heard he was staying in his car jamie dear let me call you right back on

the cell phone okay yeah sure you know even if he was a terrible father that doesn't mean he can't at least be a friend now right

i understand and believe it or not he is trying to get his act together attention swimmers there's been a sighting of a great white sammy in these

waters i mean he's not perfect but he's the only father i have i hear you loud and clear sweetheart

god i can't believe how well you're taking this mom you're amazing you know that oh please dear i just think it's sweet of you to even worry about my feeling

look we have to run but thanks for calling hun yeah i'll just get the uh montero over the long term and we'll be

on our way here you go mr jamie thanks pilar

hey have you ever had one of those days where things work out better than you could have possibly imagined and you realize everything you were worried about just disappeared and the

sun is shining and the birds are singing and you just feel completely at peace with the world almost every day is like that for me

i'll go clean the toilets now i'll get it pilar coming

thank god you're okay now where is he mom i just got off the phone with you

like two hours ago what do you i couldn't leave you here alone with your father running around on the loose ah i thought you said you were fine with

it oh i am fine with it don't i seem fine with it now where's our room

okay where's the mustard i know how you like your mustard uh it's in the fridge oh mom

are you here yes i am dear wow hey look jamie mom's here

i know todd marie sammy baby doll i need you come back to me

hey jamie mom and dad are back together come and see i don't believe i've had the pleasure

steve lapierre i'm your worst nightmare what's that friend st steve

lapierre i'm your worst nightmare do we have any light beer sure pal but at your size do you think it would make

a difference you haven't changed a bit yeah you always were the sweet talker marie i'm watching you blake ooh so the gate

swings both ways huh hey look everybody grandkids cute huh what do you say everyone back to their corners and around one

okay

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mark this really isn't a good time i just wanted to get you up to speed i talked to the book people sort of had it out with them

and they want it tomorrow what i swear we are never ever gonna write another book for these people again you are

joking right you know what i think you should do fire you oh you still got it jamie seriously you should sit down right now and write the book and

tomorrow we'll just throw it in their faces you know show them what a what a bunch of idiots they are no mark this is your fault you sit down and you

write this stupid book oh how to seduce

a supermodel right right how to seduce a supermodel it really should be a no-brainer i know

i know coffee run i'll get my car keys

oh here we go hey really really really good looking what's cooking that's actually very funny

all right all right knock knock who's there supermodel supermodel who pay me a million dollars

and then i'll tell you supermodel who oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my did you hear that i just said oh

my god instead of oh my god

that's hate should i put it in yeah

do you want some toast with your egg sweetheart why thank you marie hey hey hey she was talking to me bucko don't mind him dear we just have to

pretend like he's not even here lord knows i'm trying to marie okay that's it

you and me outside after you steve jamie wants to show you the sights you know all the stuff you wanted to see

now what is that true jim you and me uh no

so this is holly weird huh actually we're in brentwood wow

rent weird marie tell me when was the last time i

looked upon that radiant countenance of yours it figures you wouldn't remember hey your honor can we make this quick i got

a thing your honor not once in the past years has the defendant even attempted to pay child supporter alimony years your honor is

that right mr blake well technically this is true what with the dune buggy upkeep and the brunches days prison next what the hell is

that hey come on george we're both guys we're on the same team and you look just as beautiful then as you do now

sammy don't ready freddy wow nice one yes ma'am there's some good

kids aren't they the best think of it without you and me together they wouldn't be here sam that is a lovely thing to say

except wiley we don't know where he came from now sammy you know the adoption paper said that wiley's mother was from french indochina

yeah if he's french i'm connie chung oh sammy yes sir it all started when we were doing what we did best eh movie

stop you're terrible oh you're awful hi there hi good to see you come on

steve let's get out of here marilyn monroe john wayne

well looky here partner

there she goes there's the back seriously steve i need to leave now i can't do it jim

didn't hear the pop oh yeah she's out and then some oh this will quash the g*y

rumors come on old woman hi grandma

oh don't make me hurt you i almost forgot how sexy you are when you're angry

get a room and get it over with already

i'm pulling for you steve seriously though one account into another i'm worried about you big guy i appreciate that

gary hey you should take one of these or . thanks son uh jim

keep that guy away from me he just rubs me the wrong way i'll get an ice pack

hey good thinking garrett

i'll k*ll him i'll k*ll him right now help me find a rake to put in his cold dead hand so it looks like self-defense calm down this is what i wanted they're

not hating each other for once

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[Laughter]

oh no what the hell is mom doing well look at that they're getting back together

yeah they are

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housekeeping oh my god i gotta break them up before it's too late for mom

and steve and sammy

this flower's beauty pales in comparison to yours one of my favorites i believe that's pickup line number from the sami

handbook you can't go wrong with the classics i believe it was chaucer who said is chaucer somebody yes okay good

i believe it was he who's there you are mom don't you need to give steve his medication i just did oh that poor man he's so embarrassed

bless his heart yeah but do you remember when you twisted your ankle at work and i had to wait on you hand and foot for two weeks

like it was yesterday yeah but didn't the doctor accuse him of workman's comp fraud hey what are we on minutes this garden's getting a little crowded don't

you think what say we continue this ride down memory lane and the old dune buggy the dune buggy i'll bet you still have

to use pliers to wind down the windows if it ain't broke don't fix it just let me tell steve we're going and i'll meet you out front i shall eagerly

await your return are you out of your mind what the hell do you think you're doing easy officer what's the charge don't play dumb and i shall

eagerly await your return you're trying to work it with mom hey jamie after a steady diet of steve you can't blame her if she wants to splurge

on little sammy sunday sammy she's not a all right she's my mom and i'm not gonna let you hurt her again easy buddy i'm all about the family unit

yeah i know you're all about your unit i never told you this before but i love you like a son

thanks dad you're welcome jim jim i'm gary don't ruin it

so how's my favorite invalid sweet dreams handsome think healing thoughts when he wakes up tell him i went out for

a little ride no so where are we going hold on baby if

i told you it wouldn't be a surprise

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it's beautiful a little chilly milady hey what are you guys doing reminiscing about the old

times good cause i've got one remember that happy day when sammy abandoned his three young children leaving you so depressed that you didn't get out of bed for a month

those were good times huh if you don't mind sam i need a moment alone with james gotcha i'll go siphon some gas from that car

over there and make us a cozy fire i know this must seem strange to you jamie when i first showed up at your door i

was determined to protect you from sammy the monster but now i see he's just a man a man with flaws like any other

but mom i'm just let us be the parents for a while okay but you're not even acting like parents you gotta go home jamie

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here it is and it's gold jamie gold surefire way number to get a date with a supermodel

buy her some really tasty ice cream that's not even a joke we know you don't

like things to be too jokey right right yeah how about one jokey oh funny yeah we'll put that in

james blake's office just a second james it's the publisher hello james

art thermador listen i just wanted to call and tell you we got the book yeah about that and i can't tell you

how funny this damn thing is everybody here in the office is is just dying really absolutely

we're all on our asses over here this is gonna be bigger than sniglets uh-huh what do you think he's saying i'm not sure but i think i heard something

about big tan chiclets so listen i know it's probably a little premature

but how quickly do you think we can get a sequel to joke with that wait no wait i have a

nightmare how about tonight well i guess it's good night then yep

unless unless what oh don't be ridiculous mr sami your girlfriend miss betsy is

here to see you speak english woman i can't make heads or tails or your crazy talk stay here marie

samuel i've been waiting at the jet lag for over an hour baby i'm sorry i had to work late i told you owning a movie studio is a full-time

gig can you believe it the dune buggy broke down again there was lipstick on the collar when i bought it

i'm telling you i was at the fish market for the th time i was teaching her how to wrestle

it was just an old woman from up the street she forgot where she lived i forgot something too what's that what an

a*s you are but what do you mean betsy sweeney wait up there she is you're

walking not only that oh steve is he is he

i don't get it i saw pictures of you when you were a teenager you were a babe why did you ever hook up with someone like scammy in the first place

oh he was fun he was fun that's it that's all you needed back then andy had a dune buggy

oh now it all makes sense that's us oh i'm proud of you jamie to take that man back into your

life after all he's done it makes me think i did something right and raising you well so you're okay with all this not

really but sometimes you just gotta take what life gives you budget my a*s ah what the hell i got an extra day out of them

good for you dear don't worry jamie she'll be back trust

your father he knows these things dad i hate to break it to you but mom is not interested in you

you keep telling yourself that jamie but it wouldn't work out anyway don't get me wrong i love your mother and always will

it's just your father's got far more love to give than any one woman could handle you are incredible sammy that's what i

hear clink me

you