01x02 - House of Pain

[bunniefuu]

so how'd you do in vegas as per usual not too shabby brace yourself folks here comes

one of sammy's viagra induced sexcapades my first night there i was enjoying a cordial in the el mariachi room when i noticed two elderly women

in their s staring at me i mumbled a few funny quips about the bar menu and they invited me to join him

any witnesses to those funny quips knowing you know so we order a few crab c*ck and they tell me they've never met such an

attractive man you sleazed over and told him your son was on tv continue actually i describe you as an entertainer my apologies to benvereen

so we go to caesars have a few wacks stop by the dunes have a few slugs hey didn't they blow up the dunes

relax mannix i'm telling a story all right i get it you're getting her hammered fast forward so we get to her place i go in give her

a quick pop in the shorts and i'm on my way low five you don't even spend the night once you've poured the concrete you

don't stick around and watch it dry you get in your dune bug and you floor it

thanks dad good talk

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low five

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low five

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and mark called again for the eighth time what about hey i've got a new cell phone call me

oh and your mom called why don't you tell me i just did kathy always put her through stat and i mean stat oh right and the

casting people from new york called they passed on your guest spot damn

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and action ryan you're g*y right what should i wear tonight

what's wrong with that it's just a towel by the way thanks so much for watching

me trying all my new bras last night what are g*y friends for would you mind terribly if we did knickers

tonight um that'd be fine james it's your mother

ah cards cut oh this is professional kathy you told me to put her through stat

hi mom jamie thank god they're tearing down our old house to build a shop smart club what house the elm street house the

house all you kids grew up in they're tearing it down oh that's terrible but mom we left that place years ago oh all those memories

jamie you've got to do something you know lots of important people can't you call steven spielberg james we're waiting on you right

spielberg i'll see what i can do promise of course i promise hollywood promise our denver promise denver promise

denver promise i mean no it's sweet

eat his brain eat it chew it delicious what's this game called again it's the best game ever grandpa

and slapper's three those monsters aren't p*mps it's just a catchy title it's nothing like the box

delicious this isn't fair wiley's too good i'll admit his buddies did do quite a number on us at pearl harbor but they

had to jump on us grandpa he's not even japanese he's chinese forgive and forget we're all friends here

delicious ugh your turn again craig sweet loretta sweet lola my dear you mean to tell me that this tiny child who

looks like he'd be frightened to death by a friendly game of candyland is beating the pants off you and your brother wiley is the best delicious hmm

interesting tell me have you kids ever heard of a movie called the hustler how about the color of money the

grifters escape from which mountain star wars anything geez no matter because coming soon to

the theater near you as grandpa takes wiley to an arcade and wins a ton of money gambling cha-ching low five yay

james it's your mother again oh it's mommy james rebecca we need you on the set for the ice sculpture scene

just a sec the demolition crew is about to tear down your old house you're kidding that fast what should i tell her uh tell her we'll

take care of it meaning james ice hot lights hello look do whatever it takes to make my mom happy okay

after sammy left she had to raise all three of us by herself raised three single-handedly don't want to seem like playing favorites gotcha mrs blake james promises he'll do

whatever it takes to save the house oh certified denver promise

a little early for that isn't it oh jamie i get more drinking done before am then oh you know the rest

i talked to mom yesterday oh how is your dear sweet mother still waiting for her first child support check oh is the optimus bless

her heart oh no sammy did you bet on the clippers again hey you wanna

can i help you yeah it's about the house sign here please okie doke where do you want her

one what

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uh what's this the house from psycho hi

that's our old house right there they're

both right

first you bring sammy back here and now the actual home he abandoned us in oh come on gary relax

i think it's cool this is madness i'm leaving

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oh holy james i i have no idea how this happened i swear to god hey look this is where the porch swing used to be right here

you mean you're not mad you got a stinky old house in your front yard and this is where gary pushed me down the stairs every day and here's where i'd bang his head

against the post oh look the numbers are still loose oh this is great this thing's like a big time machine

okay i guess i can go back to bed this is a public relations boon jamie boone imagine the headline

james blake buys childhood home to save it from

demolition for his sad and lonely mother how about this

headline too long paper goes bankrupt i have to say this place sure brings back the memoirs look at that old door ah your favorite

part of any home yes i remember driving all night from gallop new mexico rushing in through that door and finding you kids fast asleep in bed

there's your memory working in reverse again you snuck out while we were asleep and drove to see your girlfriend in new mexico jamie unlike you i choose not to live in

the past uh let me guess you got evicted from there too hey jamie look what i found oh cool it's the red

nerf football i got for my seventh birthday i remember dropping that thing off after an all-nighter what a dad hit me

perfect spiral you got that arm from me the only thing i got from you is alcoholism and a fear of commitment and the arm

hey dude i thought you said he wasn't any good well i didn't know you were gonna suck so bad

okay i've had enough this blows lola don't tell the marquee sucks it's

bad for repeat business and that's where the money is so how you doing pacific rim slim when you tell me to win

i will win when you tell me to lose i would lose you make grandpa proud

now if you need me i'll be hiding behind that change machine stick to the plan

hey he's good i have beginner's luck do you want to play him um i don't know i just played this game for the first time yesterday

you know i have an idea how about if you win he'll give you two dollars but if he wins

you only have to pay one hmm what do you say we make it to .

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hey jamie i got the kitchen floor put it exactly like it was with the puke stains and everything

that's wonderful todd now about these business lunches in

march what is it with you in the house you won't even look at it i'm looking at it right now okay it's beautiful now back to the business at hand

not until you look at the house all right

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there that wasn't so bad was it all right let's finish up the rest of this inside come on are you coming sure jamie just as soon

as i can feel my legs are you okay i'm fine it's just a touch of hysterical paralysis

nothing to do with the house hey a little help guys i mean the swing's not exactly gonna push itself

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i'm telling you there's nothing wrong with me let's just run a few tests shall we i'll be right here for you gary this shouldn't take more than a few

hours like i said i'll be at lunch see you soon todd is completely regressing over it

gary's in a wheelchair i don't know what to do maybe the solution is to simply get rid of the house uh well let's not be too hasty i've put

some calls in just to be on the safe side see i told you they love me here it just

hit the newsstand what did the house story thank you very much what'd it say

down boy down geez okay let's let's have a little look-see shall we hello

uh-huh page five okay here we go here we go drum roll please crazy actor obsessed with a*usive home

if this isn't about crisp and glover stop right now creepy comedy weirdo james blake has outdone himself by purchasing the twisted scene of his

lurid childhood blah blah blah typical puff piece let me see that jamie jamie jamie it it it it gets really positive after that and i don't want to see you get a big head

uh-huh very good it's habitat for the homeless they might want the house i know what you're thinking you're thinking oh my god

everyone thinks i'm a total nut bar my career's over people secretly hate me i'm an outcast

people think i'm g*y in real life let's keep this about me and this is the actual house where

reclusive television psycho james blake holds his mother prisoner in a twisted reenactment of his own tormented youth

i can fix this hold on they want the house why is everyone staring at us how soon

can they pick it up well we've run every test on him and there's nothing wrong with him that we

can detect i told you but he did keep insisting that it wasn't the house so i'm beginning to

think now go with me here that maybe the problem is in fact this house wow you see doc this is why you get the

big bucks

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how's gary i think i know how to cure him and you're really gonna hate me for this but i need the house to do it what okay i don't get it i don't get it first you don't want

the house then you want the house then you don't want the house now you want the house look if you want them to put it back again you tell them

hey g*ng boy that house looks heavy anyone here watch hey rebecca hands

i chose not to fight back

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they're pretty good huh the boy over there is my grandson he's a natural he's playing my great nephew freddy let's just say i haven't seen a player

with freddy's talent and instincts and years of um management you sound like a sportsman i've been seen with lady luck a few

times yeah well i've been seen on top of her low five perhaps a little wager would be in order perhaps

why a little wager ooh you speaking my language and me likey and this goes to the irs

what are we doing here i thought the fresh air might be good for your legs you heard the doctor my legs are fine and why are we uh

so close to the house just remember we're only doing this because we love you help me get him the house todd will do

what's the jamie it's for your own good gary no no not the house ow

great now he really is paralyzed well sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet

hey he's getting away let me go

i've got to get out of here you're not going anywhere big brother we're gonna stay here all three of us until we find out what happened to you

in this house this is insane nothing happened to me in this house i just don't happen to care for this

particular architectural style that's all wow that was easy todd let's stick to the plan for at

least one full minute okay

damn lola honey what just happened freddy k*lled a monster ah does wiley have any lives left

they both do they're trying to get the highest two-person score ever you catch that they're working together kids today

i don't get them hey you sh**t pool ride the felt lady afraid i don't have the eye for it

and with my back well since we're so evenly matched it couldn't hurt to put a few dead presidents on the line right again

why just a few touchy maybe you guys had some good times here but i didn't hey

it wasn't all sunshine and cashews for us either even as a little kid i was kind of husky no it's true and the only place i could

hide during hide and seek was behind the door todd i think the issue here is a little bigger than a game of hide-and-seek

i didn't seek perhaps i spoke too soon oh no

i'm in the kitchen he's right he is in the kitchen tell us what you're seeing gary i'm in

the kitchen you want to pick up the pace there buddy how come daddy hasn't found me

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holly olly oxendry oh man he's speaking in tongues

lou what say we emulate the fine example of our young people we'll work together call it a draw

i'll get the next round everybody wins just take the shot pally

eight ball bank shot corner pocket

[Applause]

all right who sneezed come on am i the only one who heard it oh man look at him he's playing hide-and-go-seek

i think he's gone too far into his flashback this was a stupid idea jamie no it wasn't yes it was you broke

gary i'm trying to help gary and don't push me hey i'll push you if i want hey you kids keep it down you awake your mother

mom's not here interesting now who's the absentee parent hey what's up with the mathematician

he's caught in some kind of flashback you've got to help him what do you want me to do just pretend you're playing hide-and-go-seek with your son

okay hey look i found him there he is see ya come on dad do it right gary look around you describe what you see

i see a bunch of penthouses and a fifth of bourbon hey hey that's dirty stuff

hmm penthouses in bourbon secret stash number four i'm going in

don't worry i've escorted many a drunk through the dts including myself i'm opening the cupboard

there you are hiding by the trash can

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we're losing him stand back if we lose him we lose the bourbon but dad

don't worry son i got you you can't hide from your old man you came back daddy nothing comes

between me and my son in my penthouse and my bourbon

dad found me and look i can feel my legs yeah we're functional now hey dad can we

live in this house forever funny you should mention that open up blake i'm here to collect don't ask me how

but i lost the house in a game of pool but it wasn't even your house to lose

i said don't ask me how

see i told you i'd take care of it and i took care of it suicidal agent threatens to blow himself up if newspaper doesn't retract

crazy actors story see see what i did there i took the hit i'm the lamb nice job i couldn't have done it without

you the lamb the lamb james what are you doing jamie i thought it

would be cool to get a shot of the four of us in front of the house one last time this has been sort of a second chance you know with sammy actually here only because that truck's blocking the

dune buggy all right we got gary back on his feet again and todd doing his todd thing and sammy the four

musketeers now come on let's get together moving tighter my man all right here we go this will be a symbol of how far we've come together

hey the house the house oh the driveway's cleared he's leaving

again guys okay

four musketeers

you