07x03 - Candy Crushed/Master of Delusion

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls like Ping-Pong ba*ls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push, and shove ♪

♪ That's how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

- ♪ Wouldn't trade it for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud, Loud, Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- [munching]

- OK, kiddos, I made something special for dessert.

It's a frosted Lynn-amon Bundt cake.

[gasps] My bundt!

What happened to it?

- Don't look at me.

I prefer mud pies.

- Well, it's not like it sprouted legs and walked away.

- Let's not rule that out.

My recent experiments in culinary science

have yielded surprising results.

- Now that I think about it, someone ate all the cake pops

Clyde made me the other day.

- And my butter pecan cookies I made

for the drama club bake sale.

Whoever took them butter fuss up.

[laughs]

- Sounds like we have a treat thief.

Fortunately, Todd's programmed in forensic astronomy.

Todd!

Initiate culinary investigation mode.

- Detecting high-fructose corn syrup in the vicinity.

I am receiving a strong signal from upstairs.

- [grunting]

- Thank you, parental unit.

Signal growing stronger.

- [gasps] Um, hello?

When did knocking go out of fashion?

- High-fructose corn syrup detected.

High-fructose corn syrup detected.

High-fructose corn syrup detected.

- [groans] How dare you?

I don't see a warrant.

This is a violation of my rights.

Dangerously high levels of high-fructose

corn syrup detected.

[all gasp]

- My bundt!

- [chuckles] OK, which one of you put that there?

- May I have a word with Lola alone, please?

- Did she even chew that thing? - Not cool, sis.

- Lola, sweetie, it seems like your sweet tooth

is getting out of hand.

Maybe it's time to take a little break from treats.

- A break from treats?

Please, it's not like I have a problem.

- You're eating a lollipop right now.

- What?

Who put that there?

- You know, it's good to set healthy goals.

How about this?

If you give up treats for a whole week,

I'll buy you this pageant dress you've been eyeing.

- Seriously?

Just for giving up treats?

You've got a deal.

This is gonna be a piece of cake.

Minus the cake of course. [chuckles]

- Great.

Then, I'll just hold on to these for now.

- Oh, you're taking them all right now?

Oh, great.

Fabulous.

Uh, wait.

Um, can I just have a moment alone

with the salted caramel truffles?

They're my absolute favorite.

- Of course.

- Goodbye, my sweet little friends.

Mwah!

OK, take them away.

[groans]

- Here you are, girls.

Oh, morning, Lola.

- Morning, Daddy.

I'll have the French toast today,

and make it extra Frenchie.

- One French toast coming up.

- Remember, sweetie, hold the syrup.

- Oh, right.

I'll just have pancakes á la mode, then.

- Um, that means covered in ice cream.

- Fine, give me cereal.

- Candy in a bowl.

- What am I supposed to eat?

Air?

- There are a lot of things.

How about a nice bowl of oatmeal with fruit?

- OK, I can work with that.

- Oh, yeah, baby.

Time to carb load before the big game.

Huh?

- You're either with me or against me, Lynn.

- All right!

Breakfast on the floor!

You guys finally listened to me.

[chuckles]

[munching]

- Ooh, the Little Miss Motor Oil Pageant is on.

This should keep my mind off treats.

- Wake up your taste buds with X-Treme Fruity Sour Blasters.

It's like a party in your mouth.

- [chuckles] Let's see what else is on, shall we?

- Handcrafted by master chocolatiers.

Bar Truffles are irresistibly smooth,

irresistibly rich, and just plain irre--

- Oh, Lola, honey, you look like you

could use a little help.

Oh, why don't you try this?

Every time you're tempted to have sweets,

just have a stick of celery instead.

- Celery?

Well, I always liked the crunch.

This shouldn't be so bad.

[breezy music]

Some rose hip tea to go with your celery, Mr. Sprinkles?

[horn honking]

- Oh, good.

My Jack Sweet's chocolates of the month are here.

- [groans]

- Ooh, those caramel macadamia chocolates are my favorite.

Whoa, whoa!

Hey!

- You're either with me or against me, Mr. Grouse.

Now beat it, delivery boy,

unless you want some of this too, huh?

- Huh? Ahh!

- No, wait.

My chocolates!

[celery crunching]

- Who needs treats when you have the open road,

fresh air, and no temptations?

[bouncy upbeat music]

Huh?

The sweet, sweet music of an ice cream truck?

[bouncy upbeat music]

Not today!

[dramatic music]

[tires squealing]

Stop chasing me, Dalton!

- But, Lola, you're my best customer!

[tires squealing]

[yelps]

[music stops]

Lola, why?

- You're either with me or against me, Dalton!

[upbeat jazzy music]

[gasps]

Hmph!

[both munching]

- Uh-uh.

- Happy Friday, Lola.

Oh, I'm so impressed with how well you've been doing.

- I know, right?

Get your wallet ready, because in a few hours,

that pageant dress is mine.

- [laughs] I packed you some more celery for the road.

- No, thanks.

We have a school field trip today.

Those are always fun and distracting.

Wherever we go, I shouldn't have any problems

keeping my mind off treats.

[chuckles]

[all gasping]

- Are you kidding me?

Jack Sweet's Candy Factory?

[all shouting]

[gulps] - Yoo-hoo!

Up here, kids!

Whoo!

Ah.

Welcome to my candy factory.

You're in for a treat.

There's so much to see.

And the best part is, it's all edible.

[all gasping]

- Great.

- That's right, you can eat everything,

just like my licorice zip line.

Ooh!

Even our gummy bear factory workers are edible.

- [screaming]

- Oh, yeah, we can't let you eat them, though.

It's in their contract.

[chuckles] Now, who wants to experience

my yum-tastic candy paradise?

[fireworks booming]

- I do. I do! - [sighs]

[inhales] You can do this.

Just stay calm and picture the dress.

- Shall we begin?

- Ahh!

[bell dings]

- ♪ Welcome to the first room on our tour ♪

♪ If you get lost, there's a map on the brochure ♪

♪ This is where we keep the candy cooker ♪

[all gasping] - Whoa!

- ♪ Our candy's made with love ♪

♪ But it's mostly made with sugar ♪

♪ Here we pull the taffy till it gains some elasticity ♪

♪ It's not about efficiency ♪

♪ It's more about consistency ♪

♪ Once it stretches sufficiently ♪

♪ We hang it up like this, you see? ♪

♪ And after that, we cut it up and pack it individually ♪

- Ahh! - Oh, yeah!

♪ Welcome to my factory ♪

♪ Would you like some taffy? ♪

♪ We're here to make you smile ♪

♪ So we hope it's satisfactory ♪

♪ Welcome to my factory ♪

♪ Would you like some taffy? ♪

♪ We're here to make you smile ♪

♪ So we hope it's satisfactory ♪

♪ Try a little lick of this sweet and sour licorice ♪

♪ And how have I forgotten my favorite candy cotton? ♪

♪ All the clouds are made of it ♪

♪ So eat it in the shade of it ♪

♪ Your teeth may be decayed a bit ♪

♪ But please don't be afraid of it ♪

♪ And here we find the crystal candy forest ♪

♪ Because it's got something for us ♪

♪ A gummy bear chorus ♪

[together] ♪ Gum gums are delectable ♪

♪ The frosty floor is spreadable ♪

- [screams]

♪ The sprinkles are embeddable ♪

♪ And everything is edible ♪

- Ha, ha, ha!

♪ Welcome to my factory ♪

♪ Would you like some taffy? ♪

♪ We're here to make you smile ♪

♪ So we hope it's satisfactory ♪

♪ Welcome to my factory ♪

♪ Would you like some taffy? ♪

♪ We're here to make you smile ♪

♪ So we hope it's satisfactory ♪

♪ Try a little peanut brittle ♪

♪ It'll probably make you giggle ♪

♪ And just look at all the gummies

♪ With jelly in the middle ♪

♪ All the flavors are artificial ♪

♪ You can eat 'em by the fistful ♪

[together] ♪ You can try the bubble gum with

♪ The little flavor pistols ♪

- Enough!

[panting]

Yes!

I did it.

Ha!

Thank goodness that's over.

Ha, take that, Jack Sweet-- huh?

- Leaving so soon?

Certainly not without one of my ooey, gooey, creamy, delicious

salted caramel truffles.

- T-- t-- truffles?

- Hey, Lola.

Let's go get that new dress.

- [sobs] - Oh.

- I don't deserve the dress.

I caved and had a treat.

We went on a field trip to a candy factory,

and I tried so hard all day, but in the end,

I just couldn't resist.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I know I let you down.

- Let me down?

Honey, I am so proud of you.

- Uh, maybe you didn't hear me.

I failed, big time.

- Lola, sugar is OK in moderation.

You made it through a whole week and a candy factory,

and you only had one treat.

I'd say you made a lot of progress.

- Really?

Oh, I guess it was pretty impressive.

I surprise myself every day, really.

[chuckle]

- [laughs] So shall we go buy that new dress?

- You're still gonna buy me the dress?

Maybe we can get the matching shoes too?

- [laughs] Don't push it.

- Lola!

Talk to me!

I have new flavors.

I'm begging you!

- Will you excuse me for a second?

- There you are!

Wait, what are you--

[screams]

- For the last time, Dalton,

you're either with me or against me!

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[zombies hissing]

- No, Sheila, don't open the door.

The zombies are right outside.

[loud thud]

all: Ahh!

[loud thud]

- It's a dove holding a note?

[knock at door]

- That's probably for me.

MeeMaw's phone broke again.

- Huh?

- Um...

it's for me.

No way!

[all gasp]

I've been chosen to be the Amazing Brailster's

new junior illusionist.

I guess he liked my audition tape.

[upbeat music]

You must have used a "quarter" cup of flour.

- Ugh!

- I'm gonna to get to learn all the Brailster's tricks

and perform at the Illusion Chateau.

- Awesome!

- Rad. - Come again?

- No clue what that is.

- What is that?

- It's this super exclusive clubhouse

where all the greatest magicians perform, and now me!

Ah!

[bird chirping]

- I think I'm a dad now.

- Ooh.

[regal music]

Oh, wow.

[inhales and exhales]

Huh?

Hmm.

I wonder if there's a password or a secret button.

Ahh!

Oof!

- Ta-da.

Welcome, junior illusionist, uh, Lincoln Loud.

- [coughs] It's you, Mr. The Amazing Brailster.

Is "Amazing" your first name, or the--

sorry, not important.

You have to teach me how you did that.

- [chuckles] All in good time.

- [gasps]

Whoa.

- Welcome, Lincoln, to The Illusion Chateau.

[cello music]

- That's Madame Mystery's crystal globe.

Ooh.

And those are the Great Colangelo's Cards of Chaos.

Ooh, what's this?

A box of magical wonders?

- Close.

It's a smoke alarm.

Please don't touch anything.

The Chateau is full of trapdoors.

Rumor has it there are magicians

who have gone missing in the Chateau

and have never been found.

- That's awesome--

I mean, not for them, of course.

- And behold.

- [gasps]

- Trixie the Magic Mongoose.

- [laughs]

- I met Trixie when I was just a young aspiring

magician like yourself.

You see, the pet store was all out of rabbits,

but mongooses are definitely just as magical.

Oh, she's my best friend.

I couldn't perform without her.

And now to begin your training.

- I can't wait.

Which trick are we doing first?

Teleporting out of a water tank,

levitating, or...doing laundry?

- Before you can become a great magician,

you must familiarize yourself with the tools of the trade.

Make sure to run the gentle cycle.

- [groans]

[quirky upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[grunting]

Oof!

Laundry's finished.

So now that that's done, I was thinking

we could try your sawing-a-person-in-half trick.

Do you want to saw me, or should I saw you?

Or maybe we can saw each other at the same time.

- Lincoln, you're not ready to perform tricks.

You're still in training.

These are the things you must master first.

- But this is just a list of chores.

- Magic chores.

- [groans]

[birds chirping]

Ahh!

Here, birdie, birdie.

Oh!

[loud thud]

Dang it.

[gasps]

Hmm?

Ah!

[grunts]

[gasps]

[groans]

[whimpering]

[sighs] Phew.

Everything is polished, scrubbed, and wrangled.

So maybe tomorrow we can do some actual magic, please?

- Sorry, Lincoln.

Tomorrow, I'm going to need your help with more tasks.

Trust me, there's a reason for all this.

Now, see what's inside my hat.

- [gasps]

- There's a clog in the confetti cannon.

[bird chirping]

- So what cool tricks have you learned, Lincoln?

Can you make anything disappear yet?

- Only stains.

The Brailster won't teach me any of his tricks.

He says I'm not ready.

- That's ridiculous.

You're the best magician I know.

And I'm not just saying that because I actively avoid

meeting any other magicians.

- He says I need to "master the basics"

before I can do anything cool.

- This sounds just like something

my cousin Derek went through.

His boss wouldn't let him be a stunt car driver,

so one day, Derek took a minivan

and jumped it over a dumpster.

- Wait, isn't your cousin Derek a parking attendant?

- Your point being?

- I think what Rusty's trying to say is, if you perform

an impressive trick for the Brailster,

he'll have to let you skip all the boring stuff

and let you perform the real magic.

- You guys are right.

I'll show him what I'm capable of.

- Liam!

Not in front of Rebecca.

Have some tact.

- All right, I need to get my mustache groomed

before tomorrow's show.

No one likes the magician with mustache frizz.

Now, just clean out Trixie's cage,

and you're done for the day.

- [coughs]

Now, to find something to wow the Brailster.

[quirky music]

[scoffs] Too easy.

What am I, an amateur?

Of course, a straitjacket escape.

If I master that, he'll have to let me perform with him.

Feast your eyes as Lincoln the Magnificent

performs an incredible escape.

[dramatic music]

[grunting]

Oof! Huh?

Stay.

Trixie, no!

Bad mongoose!

[sighs] I'm gonna need backup.

[grunting] Come...

[phone beeping]

- Hello?

- Clyde, I've got a code turquoise.

- You tried to practice a magic trick

but accidentally let the Brailster's mongoose

loose in the chateau, and now you

need us to help find her and get you out of a straitjacket?

We're on our way.

- Whoa.

Thanks, Stella.

Now we've got to get Trixie back in her cage

before the Brailster returns.

- Oh, well, can't say I know much about mongeese,

but regular geese go giddy for this stuff.

- Maybe one of these books has something about magic animals.

[both screaming]

- Trixie, come on out.

Ugh.

This magic stuff gives me the creeps.

- Not me, dawg.

Wow, my weekly push-up is working wonders.

[both screaming]

[loud thud]

- I don't see anything, Lincoln.

You'd think a fancy place like this

could afford a nicer stage.

Ah!

- Zach?

Where'd you go?

Zach? Clyde?

Stella?

Anyone?

Oh, no.

They've disappeared like those missing magicians.

[cello music]

Not helping.

[sighs] I've got to call the Brailster.

Ahh! - I sensed catastrophe.

- [sighs] You sensed right, Mr. The Brailster-ster.

I messed everything up and lost Trixie.

- What?

What did you do?

- I wanted to show you I was ready to learn

spectacular magic tricks, but I got way ahead of myself.

And then I called my friends to help find her,

and now they're lost too.

I'm sorry.

I should have stuck to the tasks you asked me to do.

I'll never be a great magician like you.

Ooh!

[cello music]

Could you not?

- I understand your frustration.

When I was a young magician, I also wanted

to start with flashy tricks.

But if I hadn't mastered the basics

my own teacher made me learn I would

never be able to do, uh, this.

- [gasps]

- What in tarnation?

- This is why I hate magic.

- Guys!

I'm so glad you're OK.

- Ah.

- I'm really sorry for what I did.

I'll have Rebecca deliver my resignation tomorrow.

- Resignation not accepted.

I still believe you have great potential.

You just have to promise not to get ahead of yourself again.

- I promise.

- Splendid.

Brailster out.

- [coughs]

[fire alarm beeping]

- [coughs] These things really know how to ruin an exit.

[dramatic music]

Ah, Lincoln!

It's almost showtime.

Do you have my--

- ba*ls and cups?

Polished and organized.

- Well, what about my--

- Handkerchiefs?

Fluffed and folded.

- Well, and of course I'll need--

- Straitjackets, ironed and bleached.

- Exceptional.

And don't worry, you'll be up on that stage someday,

maybe even sooner than you think.

And now for a daring escape.

[cheering and applause]

Thank you, thank you.

You've been a brilliant audience.

But I couldn't have performed the show

without my junior illusionist Lincoln Loud.

[cheering and applause]

- Oh, thank you, thank you.

[cheers and applause]

- Go, Lincoln!

- He's a promising young magician.

And soon he'll be performing his own tricks.

- [screams]

[loud thud]

- Just like that.

- Ta-da.

- ♪ Cramped inside this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪ - ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪ - ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Laundry piles stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪