26F Seeking Friend (2026)

[bunniefuu]

(bright music)

(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

(birds chirping)

(footsteps thump)

(footsteps thump)

I, I don't do much hosting.

Merriam-Webster defines friendship as...

I'm just, I'm just kidding. (chuckles)

Ahem.

Uh, uh, but yeah.

Friendship is complicated.

That's, that's how this whole thing kind

of started, I guess.

Uh, I read an article about

a month ago that said, uh,

loneliness is worse for your health

than smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

And I, I wouldn't say I feel lonely,

but I am alone most of the time.

(birds chirping)

(camera rattles)

So I guess that puts me at high risk

for whatever kind of

cancer loneliness causes.

Brain, maybe? I don't,

I don't know. (chuckles)

To be honest, I didn't

read the whole article.

Friendship is supposed

to happen naturally.

Like when you're out in the world,

doing the things you like to do,

your people will be there too.

And then you just organically,

um, bond. (chuckles)

(footsteps thumping)

I, I figured my future friends

would be less interested

in talking to other

people and more interested

in not talking next to other people.

So, seemed like birders were a good start.

(footsteps thumping)

(birds chirping)

(wings flapping)

(bird caws)

That was the day I

discovered I am heavy-footed.

(footsteps thump)

Uh, so then I started to look up

what kinds of activities

heavy-footed people

who don't want to talk

to other people would do.

Um.

That felt, uh, a little

too intense for me.

And, and too teenaged, um.

Not that it's like ill*gal for me

to be friends with a teenager.

It just might look odd. (chuckles)

I also thought maybe

talking was a key component.

So I tried to become a regular

at the bar down the street.

People made friends at

bars. (chuckles) Right?

And I was really hitting

it off with the bartender,

(crowd chattering)

Except then I realized it's her job

to pretend to hit it off

with everyone. (chuckles)

At least it meant I didn't have to pretend

to like my drink anymore.

So...

But I actually relate to her

because my job is as a friendly,

easygoing customer service

representative for Spectrum.

When people's internet goes out,

I am on the other end of the line trying

to help them troubleshoot,

which is mostly just listening

to them yell. (chuckles)

One time, uh, a guy accused me

of being the reason he lost

custody of his kids. (chuckles)

And I was genuinely curious

as to how, so I asked him how.

And then he hung up on me.

(water bottle crinkling)

When I was getting really desperate,

I even tried asking one of the customers

who wasn't accusing me of ruining his life

if he might wanna hang out sometime.

Ha, that is very funny.

We, we seem to have a

similar sense of humor.

So listen...

I don't, I don't actually

remember what I said.

[Frank] It doesn't

have to be word for word.

Do we really like need the reenactment?

[Frank] Uh, this can be the last one.

Okay. Ahem.

Ha, that's very funny! (chuckles)

No, I'm not a robot. I'm a real person.

Talking to a robot would

probably be a lot more pleasant,

am I right? (chuckles)

Wow, thank you. Not every

customer is so complimentary.

So listen, uh, I was wondering

if maybe you would want to

hang out with me sometime?

Outside the context of

your internet going out.

I- in a friendly way, I'm not,

I'm not, uh, coming on to you, (chuckles)

Especially since my records indicate

that you are a married man.

I guess you could be separated,

but since your wife is still listed

as a user at your residence...

And then there was, uh, a

beep-beep when he hung up on me.

[Frank] Oh, we can add that in post.

Right.

So I decided to make a Reddit post

as a final attempt at friendship,

ahem, r/MakeNewFriends.

And then the post is, uh,

"26F, seeking otherwise

platonically unattached individuals

for long-term friendship.

Possibility for best friend title

after proper trial period.

Candidates will undergo

rigorous screening process,

but the reward will be

mutual companionship

with a very stable, clean individual.

"Snacks and water will be provided."

I hope they know I didn't

mean for the whole friendship.

Like just, I just meant for the interview.

"Interested applicants should

arrive at 10:00 AM sharp,

prepared for a full day of interviews.

No outside food or drink, please."

Okay, it's time.

(door clacks and creaks)

Oh.

Hi, I'm June.

You must be Gertie. I

assume you're Gertie, right?

I am.

I like your name.

I- it suits you, in a good way.

It's so specific, also in a good way!

(birds chirping)

Tammy.

Hi, Tammy.

Oh, uh, hello, sir? Are

you here for the interview?

You can just- Oh, no, no, no.

That's my dad.

He's just here to make sure I get in okay

and to make sure this isn't some kind

of human trafficking scheme.

It isn't, is it?

No, this is not a

human trafficking scheme.

It's not a human trafficking scheme!

(birds continue chirping)

(footsteps thumping)

Oh, I didn't sign up

for a reality TV show,

e- especially not one this sad.

No, this, uh, this

isn't a reality TV show.

It's a, a documentary. (chuckles)

That's worse.

No, 'cause, see, Frank, the director,

he saw my post and asked if

he could come and you know,

-document the process.

-Oh, fun!

Still sounding sad.

- No-

- But I'll allow it.

All press is good press.

Amazing.

Uh, and, and, uh, how about you?

Do you consent to being filmed?

I mean, it's already happening, so...

Sure, yes, yes.

Oh, uh.

Would you guys mind taking off your shoes?

This is just a shoes-off household.

I know, uh, where my shoes have been,

but yours could have been anywhere.

Anywhere.

(June grunts)

(Tammy scoffs)

(June grunts)

(shoe thuds)

Oh, uh, these are from my mom.

For good luck.

It was supposed to be a private thing.

I didn't expect that we

were going to de-shoe.

I like them.

They're specific.

[June] I-in a good way?

All right, uh, if you wanna follow me,

I'll show you around.

Wow, it's so...

Wow! (chuckles)

That's one word for it.

Please, help yourselves.

I, I have more in the fridge,

so don't feel like you're taking too much.

I got it specifically

for the candidates, so...

Oh, I, I would, but I am so,

so full from my massive breakfast.

Dad made pancakes and waffles

because my mom wanted

pancakes but I wanted waffles,

and then I just ate both.

Okay.

Ahem. Uh, well...

I'll, I'll be conducting

the interviews in here.

Exciting.

We'll do the interview separately,

so one of your answers

can't influence the others.

(Tammy scoffs)

[Tammy] Sorry, go on.

Um.

We'll start with basic

get-to-know-you questions,

you know, just to gauge who you are

and your experience with friendship.

Ha.

And then we'll move on

to more specific scenarios.

Things that will help me

determine how you'll act in,

in difficult or complicated situations.

And then I will evaluate

both of the candidates

and decide who will move on

to the trial period of friendship.

Trial period?

Just as a precaution.

Uh, six months tops to,

after which, we can

either make it permanent

or we can part ways if

it doesn't work out.

Does that all make sense?

-Definitely!

-Sure, whatever.

All right, um.

Who wants to go first?

Well, to start,

why don't you tell me a

little bit about yourself

and why you're interested

in the position of friend.

Sure, um.

[Gertie] Oh, if you could refrain

from doing that actually.

O-oh, right.

Ahem.

Ahem.

What?

Are, are you ready to start?

Yeah, obviously.

[Gertie] Then answer the question.

Fine. I'm Tammy.

I'm June.

You already know that,

but that feels like an

okay place to start.

I, I was named after the

month, which is my birth month.

A- and they thought I

was going to be a boy,

but surprise, girl.

And my parents didn't

have any girl names ready,

but then June was right there.

Wow.

I'm very close with my

parents still, obviously.

I mean, you saw my dad.

It's kind of crazy how

cool he is, right? (laughs)

Anyway, it's just me,

no siblings or anything,

which is great because

like more for moi, right?

My parents are great.

They're my best friends.

For now.

[Gertie] You still haven't

answered why you're interested

in this position.

(sighs) So this whole

thing is a bit below my station.

But the circumstances are,

shall I say, extenuating.

I'm a woman with many

friends, historically.

But due to a recent mutiny,

I was unceremoniously

ousted from my clique.

- What did you-

- And it wasn't my fault,

despite what that clout leach Lizzie says.

What wasn't your fault?

That's neither here nor there.

What's important now is

that I land on my feet

to prove that I'm better off without them.

Would you say that you're photogenic?

-Um, I don't.

-(camera shutter clicks)

Okay, so not naturally photogenic.

But there's a certain mysteriousness

to your waxy complexion.

I can maybe work with

that since, obviously,

there will need to be a

full social media blitz

to launch you as my new bestie.

Is that really necessary?

(Tammy chuckles)

If you make a friend in the woods

and no one is there to take a picture,

do they still make a sound?

Um.

I was homeschooled, and

then did college online,

which I loved.

But then mom and dad became worried

about my stunted social development.

[Gertie] I see.

They're the ones that saw

your Reddit post, actually.

Are your parents on Reddit a lot?

[June] My dad uses it

to diagnose his rashes.

Oh.

They're a really cool

community, actually.

The rash-having community

is very, very supportive.

Oh.

I wouldn't know.

Okay, brag. (chuckles)

This is fun!

That's a little better.

(camera shutter clicks)

Actually, no. That made it worse.

Can we please focus?

I am focused.

You need a friend for some reason.

I need a friend for vengeance reasons.

I'm trying to make this happen for us.

Look, I know it all

seems very transactional,

but that's friendship.

A contract.

You need something from me.

I need something from you.

That kind of rules out any chance

for emotion, right?

[Tammy] Exactly.

Sounds tidy.

The tidiest.

What is your background and

experience with friendship?

[June] Well, my parents.

And?

And they're awesome.

I, I tried to befriend my cousin once,

but my mom said that

it's not really a friend

if it's someone you

share a grandmother with.

Annoying, right?

[Gertie] Well...

Oh, plus, this cousin,

he was sort of a bad boy.

What, like drugs, alcohol?

No, like naughty.

Ew, not like that!

Gross, not a sexy naughty. He's 11.

He just had behavioral issues

and bullied the other kids.

A bad little boy.

Got it.

Plus, we didn't really have that much

in common other than Gram-Gram.

What about your grandfather?

That's a good point.

He's dead, but I guess we

share that grief in common.

You're so wise.

Thank you.

Are any of your grandparents dead?

Even if this is gonna

be purely transactional,

I still would like to know more about you.

(Tammy sighs)

I sort of though this

would be cut and dry.

Between me and Little Miss Daddy's girl,

I'm obviously the better choice.

No need to drag this out.

[Gertie] I still would prefer

to fully evaluate both candidates.

And I prefer to have my afternoons free.

Fine.

-What do you want to know?

-Parents.

I have them.

[Gertie] Greatest strength?

Brevity.

[Gertie] Weakness?

Don't have any.

I need you to give me something.

Fine.

I'm a Sagittarius.

I'm afraid of needles,

like every other reasonable

person on the planet.

And I never remember my dreams.

Never?

Not even once.

My previous therapist said it's

because I don't do enough self-reflection.

What does your current therapist say?

[Tammy] I didn't get a new

one after I fired the last one.

(scoffs) Total waste of time and money.

[Gertie] Now that

introductions are out of the way-

Oh, what about your introduction?

Not necessary for our purposes today.

Oh.

As I was saying,

I'd like to move on to the next phase

of our interview process.

I'm gonna run through a

couple hypothetical scenarios

and ask you to describe how you'd respond.

Riveting.

This is meant to simulate

real-life experiences

to test your friendship instincts

since you will often be called upon

for physical or emotional support.

Does that make sense?

-Yes!

-Sure.

Scenario one, I call you

at three in the morning-

And I don't pick up.

That's not the question part.

It doesn't matter.

It's 3:00 AM. I'm asleep.

And if I'm not, I would pretend that I am.

-But what if it's a...

-If it's an emergency,

which is what I assume

you're about to say,

then I'm also going to assume

that you're smart enough

to call 911.

So I call you at 3:00 AM-

[June] In the morning?

Yes.

Wow, that's late.

Or early, or both?

Sorry, go on.

I call you because I

can't sleep and I'm sad.

Why are you sad?

[Gertie] Not important.

Well, I guess the

first thing I'd do is ask

why you're sad.

And I'd say I don't wanna talk about it.

[June] But you still called me?

Yes.

Okay.

I guess I'd ask if you wanted

to hear about my day,

to take your mind off whatever it is.

Scenario two, I need

a ride to the airport.

[Tammy] No.

- But-

- Absolutely not.

It's actually the marker of a bad friend

to ask for a ride to the

airport in the era of Uber.

- I don't-

- The only person

you're allowed to request a

ride from is a romantic partner,

and that's only after

you've been exclusive

for a minimum of three months.

I really think that I should wait

until you're living together,

but I'm in the minority on that.

Say, I need a ride

to the... I don't drive.

[Gertie] Really?

My parents have always

driven me everywhere.

It's, it's not like I

ever needed to learn.

I was never going anywhere

without my parents.

Oh, sorry, where did you need a ride to?

The airport.

Oh, my dad can drive you. One second.

Let me just text him- No, no.

This just a hypothetical scenario.

Oh, okay.

But my dad would totally drive

you if you needed him to.

Scenario three, my

birthday is coming up.

Okay.

Congrats.

Can we take a break?

Uh, not yet.

Fine. Okay.

So what's the question?

My birthday is coming up.

What do you plan to do for it?

Aw, does wittle Gewtie want a pawty?

A, a, a potty?

No, a party.

I need you to take this seriously.

I am.

It's very pre-K to

expect people to fall all

over themselves planning a

wittle party for an adult.

Okay. Ahem.

So what would you do instead?

I'd probably send you a text.

[Gertie] That's it?

And maybe I'd take you

out for a glass of wine.

Or better yet, send you one in the mail

to give you the space to

celebrate your birthday

how you want to.

I, I don't hate that. (chuckles)

My birthday is coming up.

Ooh, I love birthdays!

What are you gonna plan?

[Gertie] Nothing. Uh,

that's where you come in.

Well, I guess my first instinct would be

to throw you a surprise party. (laughs)

Oh, sh**t, I just ruined the surprise

-by saying that.

-Oh, that's okay.

I don't really- Well, I guess

I could pretend I forgot

about your birthday,

and then throw the

surprise party a day late.

Oh, I just ruined it again!

Scenario four, I tell you a secret.

It's a really good one.

How good could it be?

It involves people you know

and drama.

I can't imagine our circles overlap.

[Gertie] Pretend that they do.

Who do you tell?

(sighs) Well, presumably

this is a gotcha question

because the only thing a

good friend would do is

to protect your secret to earn your trust.

-Oh.

-But-(phone chiming)

Hi, uh, Spectrum Customer Service.

How may I help you?

I wasn't able to take off

work today, unfortunately.

But it should be fine.

I can't imagine it'll be

too disruptive. (chuckles)

Of course, I understand that

this is all very frustrating.

No, no, I haven't gone out of my way

to make your day harder

than it already is.

Uh, but I'm so sorry you feel that way.

(phone tapping)

So do you guys live in the area,

or did you fly in for this fiasco?

Hello?

Anyone?

Wow, the first completely

mute documentary crew.

Moving stuff.

(Tammy sighs)

Are you seriously not

allowed to talk to me?

[Frank] I don't wanna

i-influence the subjects.

Ooh, "The subjects."

[Frank] Pretend we're not here.

Your sweaty sound guy

with the mic hovering

six inches above my head

-will make that tough.

-Scott, the boom.

All right, that's all taken care of.

Uh, let's get back to it. Where were we?

Ahem. Oh, the secret.

Uh, who do you tell?

I keep it to myself.

For now.

I tell you a secret.

And I take it to the grave.

No matter what it is?

Why? What is it?

I mean, I, I don't know.

Okay.

You wouldn't even tell your parents?

I can keep a secret from

my parents, (chuckles)

Unless they ask me about it directly.

I can't lie to them.

Well, what if your dad told you a secret

and asked you to keep it from your mom?

What?

Why would he do that?

-I-it's just an example.

-They don't keep secrets

from each other.

That's their whole thing.

Okay.

Their whole thing.

Next question?

Actually, I think that

just about covers everything.

(June claps)

Okay, I have concluded

both the interviews.

Do either of you have

anything you wanna add

before I begin my deliberation?

Yes.

Despite my lack of technical experience

in the friendship arena outside my parents

and the attempt with my cousin,

I feel certain that my

enthusiasm and willingness

to learn would make me a perfect friend.

Near perfect.

Not at perfection at the start,

but always striving to be perfect.

And don't you want someone

that's always striving

to better themselves in

the service of being,

like, your friend?

I think we would have a warm

and bright future together.

I guess that's it.

Okay.

I, I think I was

expecting a bigger reaction.

Oh, um, do you want me

to go back and do it again?

[June] No, thank you.

Ahem.

Tammy?

Do you have anything you'd like to say?

Sure.

I'm the better candidate, and

I think you should select me.

Is that it?

That's it.

Okay.

Well, uh, I need some time to think alone,

so, uh, you two can go

back to the holding area.

How long has this been sitting out?

They're not allowed to

interfere with "the subjects."

I just wanna know if

the cheese is safe to eat.

[Frank] I wouldn't eat it, personally.

(June coughs)

Okay.

So, on the plus side for Tammy,

we have her extensive

experience in friendships,

her intelligence, and her willingness

to treat this like a contract.

Which almost outweighs the cons,

which are pretty much

her whole personality.

Um, and then June is warm

and enthusiastic and

seems to want a real friend,

but it comes from a place of desperation

because she's never had

a real friend before.

Plus, her dad kind of scares me.

So...

(timer clacking)

So, how did your interview go?

How did your interview go?

Oh, mine was great.

Great. So was mine.

But, actually, never mind.

What?

She wouldn't tell me a

single thing about herself.

Anytime I tried to ask her

a question, she'd ignore it.

Same for me.

Makes the whole situation

feel very one-sided.

You know, that gets me thinking.

(timer ringing)

Okay. Ahem.

I haven't changed my mind

in the last 10 minutes,

which is a good indicator

that I won't change my mind

in the next 10 years either.

So please, bring the candidates

back into the living room.

(door clacks)

I have come to a decision

about who will be moving forward

into the trial period of friendship.

Congratulations to... Wait.

June and I have been talking.

Well, Tammy was talking

and I was listening,

but I agreed with a lot of

the talking she was doing.

You said this is structured,

like a job interview.

Right.

And in job interviews,

they say it's as much about

whether the company wants

to hire you as it is about

whether or not you wanna work

for that company.

W-well, it depends on how

the job market is looking, but-

[Tammy] I'm just

talking broad terms here.

That's something people say.

It is.

Well, we were thinking, why

shouldn't this be the same?

You want to know whether

we'd be good friends to you,

but what about whether or not

you'd be a good friend to us?

So piggybacking off of that,

what if we interviewed you now?

Sorry, I don't, uh, have another chair.

Is that gonna count against me?

(pen clicks)

Hard to say.

So Gertie, why don't you tell us

a little bit about yourself?

Um.

Well, um, ahem, I live here.

[Tammy] And how long

have you lived here?

My whole life.

[Tammy] And where do you

see yourself in five years?

-Here probably.

-Doing what?

Same thing. Customer service.

Good hours, remote.

Disruptive to conversations.

Not usually, I promise.

So you never want to explore the world?

Well, I, uh,

I watch a lot of movies

from around the world,

and in itself, that's kind

of its own exploration.

-So you're a recluse.

-Hey, let's not-

[Gertie] No, I just...

I like to be comfortable.

Afraid of change, got it.

You know what?

Let's, like, maybe talk

about a different... (sighs)

Gertie, do you have any favorite foods?

I'm really good at chili.

(Tammy scoffs)

Great. Any hobbies?

[Gertie] I recently tried birdwatching.

Ugh, ew. Birds creep me out.

Oh, same. There's

something about their eyes.

-It's the smell for me.

-Oh, that too.

Ahem.

Uh, oh, um, let's see.

Gertie, uh, are you

close with your parents?

Not as much as I used to be.

[June] Whoa, what happened?

Well, we kind of just-

(phone chiming and buzzing)

You know, it's very

rude to answer your phone

in the middle of a conversation.

In fact, it's rude to

have the volume on at all.

[Gertie] Hello,

Spectrum Customer Service.

How may I help you?

-So...

-We don't have to talk.

But I like talking.

I've noticed.

So...

Fine, out with it.

Are you close with your parents?

Not everyone can be as obsessed

with Mommy and Daddy as you are.

I'm just curious.

No, I'm not close with them

because they're dead.

Oh, God. I am so, so sorry.

That's a lie. They're not dead.

They're just terrible

people. I wish they were.

Wow.

Wow.

You're such a, a jerk.

And you're not.

I suspect parenting has

something to do with that.

(door creaking)

Mm, um.

Do you have any more,

uh, questions for me?

Do you have any more

phone calls to take?

I think I've heard enough, actually.

I don't think this is gonna be

a good fit- Wait.

I have some questions.

[Gertie] Okay, great.

Well, not really questions.

More like a series of tests.

-Oh?

-Fun tests!

You see, there are certain

things I didn't get

to do growing up with friends

because I was, you know-

-A social outcast.

-Right.

So there are some scenarios

that I would like to try,

i- if that's okay.

[Tammy] Ouch! Was that your elbow?

[June] Sorry, I have sharp corners.

This is cozy.

It'd be easier

if we didn't have a giant

camera guy crammed inside.

- Pretend I'm-

- Not here, I remember.

It's supposed to be

cramped, I think, right?

I've actually, um,

never built one of these before either.

Ahem. (coughs)

S- so, like, what do we do now?

Why are you doing it so

quick? How do you do that?

Skill. Do you guys never

do anything to your skin?

- Do I like, like do I-

- I wash it with water.

[Tammy] You should be washing

-in the morning.

-Ew, it tastes terrible.

[Tammy] That's how you stay ageless.

Like June, you're, you're, you're,

all the nutrients are being squeezed out.

I think it's nice.

-Do you guys feel the juices?

-I don't like

how slimy that feels.

No, it's supposed to feel, look at that.

-Oh, it feels so good.

-I'll try again.

I'll try again.

(June moans)

Okay, good.

Hot. Hot.

So hot!

(Gertie gasps and chuckles)

And then when she finally

looked under the bed,

just shoe boxes.

Is that it?

Yeah.

That's not a scary story.

That's a paranoid person

thinking they heard something,

-and then being wrong.

-Being wrong is scary.

You're hopeless.

I think it's time for

something truly scary.

Three women alone.

Sorta.

With no one to protect

them from the dripping,

putrid claws of truth or dare!

(June screams)

Tammy, that was such

a great performance.

Thank you.

Um.

I, I don't think truth or

dare is such a good idea.

No, it's perfect. It's

a sleepover classic.

You're a genius, Tammy.

I know.

Okay, Gertie, truth or dare?

Um. Truth?

Twice in the third grade.

Milk probably?

With Josh Lugstrom in

the back of his RAV4.

But then I told Rebecca Haskell,

who told Paul Smith, who told everyone.

So then I told Josh's

dad he was selling drugs,

and they sent him to military school.

And she didn't even leave a note.

George H. W. Bush.

Stop looking at me like that!

I said it was an accident,

but I broke it on purpose.

My childhood dentist. (chuckles)

Twins, but only the identical kind.

The other kind doesn't bother me as much.

Water boarding. Or, no.

Yeah, water boarding.

All right, another truth for Gertie.

Okay. Hmm.

Why did you post to Reddit

looking for friends?

Ooh, finally something juicy.

Um.

I just, I just wanted to meet new people.

That can't be the whole story.

You have to be brutally honest.

It's truth or dare law.

Yeah, don't make us call

the truth or dare police.

They might not arrest you

since it's your first offense,

but it'll probably go on

your truth or dare record

as a misdemeanor.

But it'll probably still hurt your chances

for getting hired for jobs.

Okay, um.

Uh, I don't want brain cancer.

Sure, whatever.

Wait, I don't understand.

She clearly doesn't want

to tell us the real reasons.

-That is the real reason.

-So let's move on.

Okay, Tammy, your turn.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

What did you do to get ousted

from your old friend group?

Nevermind, dare.

Uh-uh. Truth or dare law.

I hate you.

My, uh, ex-friend Lizzie told everybody

I k*lled her dog.

Did you?

No!

I mean, technically, he did

die while I was watching him,

but he was 23 years old.

He, he died in his sleep.

But I think that Lizzie

knew he was close to death

and asked me to watch him

that weekend as a trap,

and then used that to

start her smear campaign

to take over the group.

Huh.

Wow.

(sighs) Let's move on.

O-okay. Uh.

Ahem.

June, truth or dare?

Truth.

Okay, someone has to choose dare.

You've only chosen truth too.

[Tammy] Yeah, to help us ease into it.

-Now it's dare o'clock.

-She doesn't have to do-

-Shh!

-No, you're right.

It's time. I choose dare.

Okay. Um.

I, I dare you

to lick your foot.

Uh, no, vetoed.

You can't veto.

(scoffs) I can if your dare is bad.

Come on, pick something dramatic.

I, I dare you to run

around outside the house.

(scoffs) Boo, you're bad at this.

No wonder you needed to post

a Reddit ad to find friends.

Okay. Um.

I dare you

to kiss our director, Frank, with tongue.

Lots of it.

Frank has a wedding ring on.

I don't care.

You have to kiss him, June, sloppy style.

Can you pick something else?

Ah, you know what? Truth.

-I go back to truth.

-No, you can't do that

because you just told Tammy you couldn't

because it's truth or dare law.

So you have to do it.

You have to kiss him.

Please pick something else.

Why, are you saving your

first kiss for your cousin

'cause that's the only

person you've ever hung out

with other than your parents or something?

Excuse me.

Wait, June. I didn't mean it like that.

I just meant... I thought we were...

I, I don't, I don't know, I thought-

No, you can't just take

that kind of thing back.

June?

June, say something.

[Tammy] We're leaving.

You don't get to act

all high and mighty now.

I mean, all you've done all day is talk

about how much better you are than June.

Yeah, earlier, before I

really even spoken to her.

But you waited until you

had all the right ammunition

to say something truly horrible

about her biggest insecurity.

I might be more insecure about my body

if we're doing a ranking.

Just to be totally transparent.

Well, do you wanna use

that against her too, Gertie?

Go ahead.

No, that's not what I was doing!

Besides, I'm sure you said way

worse things to other people.

Oh, definitely.

If they wronged me or hurt me,

or maybe just looked at me funny,

because I can be a b*tch sometimes.

But you basically just dropped an anvil

on an innocent bystander.

Now we're actually leaving.

(door creaks)

[Gertie] Do you want

help with your other shoe?

I'll just finish

putting these on outside.

(door creaking)

[Tammy] Are you kidding me?

That's no way to make an indignant exit.

(door creaks)

(door thuds)

I, I don't know what to do.

I don't, I don't know how to fix it.

Ahem.

How do you make someone not mad?

[ChatGPT] That's a great question.

To make someone-

Actually, it's two people.

[ChatGPT] Got it.

To make two people not mad-

Actually, never mind.

[ChatGPT] Okay.

Let me know if there's

anything else I can help with.

Ahem.

How do you make someone, or, sorry,

two people who aren't your friend,

but you were hoping one

of them would someday soon be your friend,

forgive you after you said something

really horrible to them?

[ChatGPT] That's a great question!

Thank you.

[ChatGPT] How horrible

was the thing you said

to these two people?

Like, really horrible.

Hello?

[ChatGPT] Is there another

question I can answer

for you instead?

No, I need help with this question.

[ChatGPT] You might be screwed.

But is there another question

I can answer for you instead?

I wish I knew my neighbors,

just 'cause then I could have

someone to ask about all this.

Someone who isn't ChatGPT.

I can't believe there's not another person

for 100 miles who I could ask for advice.

I mean, I've avoided my

neighbors because they have kids,

and I, I don't want to be

pressured into buying cookies

or popcorn or crypto or whatever it is

the neighborhood kids

are selling these days.

God, they think they could

come up to my door on Halloween

and knock on in and-

(phone chiming and buzzing)

Ahem.

Thank you for calling

Spectrum Customer Service.

How may I help you?

(caller faintly speaking)

I understand that can be very frustrating.

I am so sorry for the role

Spectrum has played in this.

I assure you we can fix this together.

(caller faintly speaking)

I hate that we made you feel this way,

and I am so sorry for the inconvenience.

(caller faintly speaking)

Absolutely.

Uh, I will let one of

our technicians know,

and he or she, as we are a

equal opportunity employer,

will be there within the hour.

Thank you so much and have

a great rest of your day.

Happy to help.

My entire professional career

has led up to this moment.

See, my specialty is, uh, uh,

helping out disgruntled

customers, soothing tensions,

and delivering apologies.

So Tammy said that

friendships are transactional.

What is an angry friend

but a disgruntled customer?

[Frank] I'm not sure if that's exactly-

So I can just update

our boilerplate customer service script,

and that should do the trick.

So, um, just change

internet connectivity issues

to interpersonal connectivity issues.

That one's easy.

And then, "Unplug your

router and wait 30 seconds."

Unplug your animosity. That could work.

"Wait 30 seconds."

Uh, plug back into the

conversation with fresh eyes.

That's good.

Great. Okay.

(printer whirring)

Ahem.

(phone tapping)

"Please come back.

I have something to say to you."

Send.

(camera rattles)

Ahem. Good afternoon.

I apologize for the inconvenience caused

by our interpersonal connectivity issues

and would like to take ownership

over my company's responsibility

and any frustration you felt when

communication expectations-

I forgive you.

What?

This is you apologizing, right?

It is. (chuckles)

And I forgive you.

Me too. I also forgive you.

So June and I got in a big fight right

after we stormed out.

I asked her if she wanted

to hang out this weekend,

and she said, "Yeah, totally."

Everybody knows that's girl

code for "No, you heinous b*tch.

I hope you get hit by a car."

(sighs) So I'm back in

the market for a friend.

And a dog maybe.

That would really get Lizzie riled up.

And these are all much more

photogenic than Gertie.

Mom always says hurt people hurt people.

And honestly, Gertie's

life seems pretty sad.

It seems like she's all alone

and she was just lashing

out because she was scared.

And I think we can move past that.

She did apologize after all.

I don't understand what happened

between me and Tammy though.

Uh, she invited me to

hang out this weekend,

and when I said, "Yeah, totally,"

she called me a two-faced

liar and stormed off.

Did she talk to any of

you about the fight?

Okay, now that all the apologies

and I forgive yous are out of the way,

I have had the opportunity

to review all the materials

from your friendship submissions,

and I have come to a decision.

And?

[Gertie] What?

Are you gonna announce it?

Well, o-obviously,

I'm just trying to make it feel important.

Just get on with it already.

Okay, so, ahem,

the person I have selected to

fill the position of friend

on a short trial period,

with the option to

renegotiate to best friend

in six months is

June!

What?

Wait, really?

[Gertie] Really.

Oh, my God.

I never get picked for anything!

[Tammy] Why her?

She seems like genuinely excited

about the prospect of being my friend.

I am genuinely excited!

If you want excited,

I can give you excited.

Can you?

Eh, probably not.

Congrats, or whatever, June.

-(laughs) Oh. Can I hug you?

-Oh.

I, I just don't think

we're really there yet.

Right, sure.

This is by far the blessed day of my life!

sh*t. I flubbed the line again, didn't I?

Yeah, you did.

-I'm sorry.

-That's like the third time

in a row.

You can do it.

The line is, "This

is by far the best day

-of my life."

-"By far the best day."

"By far the best day."

It's such a tongue twister.

Do you think we could maybe change it?

Well, no rewrites,

-like I said.

-O-o-of course.

And I feel like you

could just turn up the joy

on June, you know?

This is the best day of her life.

Nothing has ever even come close.

So I just wanna feel that, you know?

-Yeah, yeah, sure.

-Okay.

Oh, any notes for me?

[Gertie] This moment is not about you.

Um, are we still rolling?

-Yep, we're still rolling.

-Okay.

Uh, then let's just take it back, okay?

Ahem.

May I hug you?

Uh, I, I don't really

think we're there yet.

Right, sure. (laughs)

This is by far the best day

of my life!

Mine too.

Cut! Okay, that was so much better.

-Oh, thanks.

-That's a wrap, everyone!

Congratulations.

Oh, my God, that last

take was spectacular.

Thanks.

I feel like I could smell your disdain

when she was about to announce the winner.

Oh, thank you so much. I

thought I was pushing it.

No, it was just the right amount.

Here are your guys' day rates.

-Awesome.

-Thank you so much.

This was an incredible opportunity.

Yeah, I can't wait to

see how it turns out.

Same.

Same.

You know, like, after

the edit, it'll be...

We'll see.

And obviously, I'll get

you guys your footage

from the scenes for your reels,

-you know what I'm saying.

-Oh, that would be amazing.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, mine is so outdated.

I really need to freshen it up.

Yeah, I think I have my

post-breakup bangs in most of it.

(Tammy and Gertie laughing)

-Ahem.

-Ahem.

- We should probably-

- So I was thinking-

Oh, what were you going to say?

I was just gonna ask if, um,

if you guys wanted to maybe, like,

I don't know, hang out this weekend

to celebrate a successful sh**t, you know?

Wow, that is so nice of you.

So nice.

Really thoughtful of

you to think of that as,

like, a possible thing for us to do.

So is that a yes?

Yeah, totally.

-Bye.

-Go home safe, you guys.

(door creaks)

(Gertie humming)

(birds chirping)

You can, uh, you can cut the camera.

Movie's over.

(camera thuds)

(uplifting music)

(uplifting music continues)

(uplifting music continues)