22x03 - The Butterfly Centurion

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

Tickets, please.
TRAIN HORN BLARES

Oh!

Yeah.

This isn't my fault.

Oh, my God!

Argh!

PHONE RINGS

Bloody hell!

Mum? Ah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome! Welcome to Taskmaster.

Comedians facing mounting pressure

to prove that they are
in some way capable.

Fear not. All five are committed
to stick it out

because of their zeal,
their tenacity, and, crucially,

the legally binding contract
that they signed.

We own their asses.

Not sure where that came from.

Please welcome

Chloe Petts,

Isy Suttie,

Matt Lucas,

Nina Conti,

and Richard Ayoade.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And beside me, a man
who I have worked closely with

for over a decade,

and I'm proud now to call
my furry pet.

Run for the stick, good boy!

Catch Daddy's stick!

It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. Thank you. Nice to be here.

Hello, Greg. Hello, good boy. Hello.

Would you like to see
some special photos?

Oh, here we go. Yeah.

They're faux-toes.

They're special faux-toes.

Fake toes, yeah.

There's more.

You're a funny little lad. OK.

All right, then. Prize task.

What have I got to judge this time?

This time, they've each
brought in the thing

that makes them feel safest.

Oooh!
Yes, I know, it's nice to feel safe.

I always feel safest
when I shut my eyes.

Although I always feel very
vulnerable when I shut my eyes.

And that's why
I always wink at policemen.

Meanwhile, this episode's winner
will go home with five things

that should make them feel safer

than a safe inside
a branch of Safeway.

Matt Lucas, what makes you feel
safe?

Well, I thought my mum. Aaw.

So, I brought my mum in.

Diana's here? Yes, she's here.

So, the winner wins
some time with Diana?

No, they just win my mum.

They can just keep her? Yeah.

I mean we've, you know,
we've had a good run together.

OK. Well, here is Matt's mum
that someone's going to win.

There you go. Aaw!

And she's in the audience.
She's in the audience.

She's sitting just over there.
Hello, Mum. Hello, Diana.

Hello.

APPLAUSE

Chloe, what makes you feel safe?

As quite a fairly tall person,

I never get the opportunity
to be little spoon.

So, I have made a
life-size model of you

to spoon me at night.

Behold, Greg.

It's like you're in my dressing
room.

Well, you were in my dressing room
five minutes ago.

Next photo, please. Here we go.

Yeah!

And every time I came out of
the bathroom

I forgot you were there.

And I was like, "Jesus Christ!"

Listen, it's incredible.

Now, Isy, what have you brought
in that makes you feel safe?

So, I'm not the world's
most natural driver.

So, I've chosen a seat belt.

Oh. Here is Isy's seat belt

that the winners can
strap themselves in with.

It's a standard seat belt. OK.

When I get into sticky situations,

I like to use my initiative
to try and solve them,

and it's sometimes damages the car.

I bought some paint that,

I put it on the passenger seat,
and I was driving along,

and it set off the
passenger seat belt alarm

because the weight of it made
the car think

there was someone
sitting in the seat

without their seat belt on.

So, when it got to a red light,

I just knocked the tin
onto the floor.

But the lid immediately came open

and within about three seconds
the footwell was full of blue paint.

AUDIENCE GASP

HE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY

No, I don't think it's
"typical woman."

So sorry!

Nina. Hello!
What makes you feel safe?

I have, it's nontransferable
safeness, this.

It wouldn't make
anyone else feel safe.

But if you're a ventriloquist,

people like to see you drink
and talk at the same time.

That's a normal cup.

And then I put water in it.

I'm scared!

Then I can drink this water

and I can keep talking all the time
whilst also drinking

without dying.

And that makes me feel... very safe.

Incredible.
I've seen your act many times

and you're an absolutely brilliant,
talented ventriloquist.

But that was rubbish.

What have you brought in, Nina?
Slush powder.

It's just very
specialist information.

And what does the slush powder do?

It solidifies the water in the cup
that you saw me pour in.

Oh, I see! Then I can drink,
but without drinking.

Thank you. Hello, Richard.
I have a personal Portaloo.

LAUGHTER
Thank you.

Here is Richard's Portaloo.

That comes with me.

Are you fine if I tell Greg

that you probably wee more
than any contestant we've ever had?

I'm almost a public urinal sat nav.

I don't care where you are
in London.

I'm going to be able to tell you the
nearest place to go to the toilet.

Trafalgar Square.

Just straight in the fountain.

Should I give the points?

Yeah. What makes you feel least safe
out of those things?

Well, I think I'm probably
being a bit mean to Isy.

The seat belt makes her feel safe.

Well, wouldn't you like to go in
a car... With you? Yeah! No!

Isy, one point. OK.

Nina gets two.
Richard, three seems fair.

Four points to big Greg spoon,
because there's a human being here,

and obviously I'm going
to give Diana five points.

Simple as that. There. It's over.

Five points to Matt's mum!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good.
May we see a task now, please?

Yes. It's time to learn a new word.
Here we go.

Hello.

Hi. Hello, Matt.

Hello, Alex. Chloe.

Here she is. Here she is.
She is here.

Does that say, "Gleek", Alex?

"Gleek." "Gleek."

Fastest wins.

I know that's a word in Shakespeare

because I played Bottom
in Midsummer Night's Dream once.

And there was a thing
about gleeking on occasion,

but I can't remember what it means.

"You may not use the internet,

"but you may make two phone calls
as long as you only yell..."

"..and the phone calls last
no more than 30 seconds each."

What the hell?!

"Your time starts now and stops
when you say that you have gleeked."

Do you know what a gleek is? No.

As in, like, someone who
likes the TV show Glee?

G-leak.

That's Greg going to the toilet.

You can use that one.
Well, I'm writing it down.

What's your number?

APPLAUSE

Oh, very interesting.

Gleeking.
I like the definitions of gleek.

Is it someone who likes Glee a lot?
Lovely.

It's a Gleek, yeah,
that is common parlance

for someone who likes Glee.

Richard suggested it's
a phrase for me going to the toilet.

A G-leak. Thank you.

Four times a night. I'm puffed up
like a crab down there.

Yeah.

I would say, though,
that Matt was right

that one definition of gleek

is from Shakespeare
in A Midsummer Night's Dream.

"I shall gleek upon occasion,"
I think he said.

Yeah. And that meant
to scoff or mock.

But none of you did that.
There are other meanings of gleek

which they were to find out
with their phone calls.

I'm ready to gleek, I think.

We're going to start the
gleek streak with Isy and Matty.

Is it like a cool thing,
like a young person's thing?

I think young people can do it.

I'll call my husband.

OK. He's younger than me. Yeah.

Flip, I've got to call someone.

OK.

PHONE RINGS DOWN LINE

Hello?
Elis, it's me!

Can you tell me what gleeking is?

Spelled G-L-E-E-K.

Hello?
I need your help.

I'm doing a task for Taskmaster,

when I have to yell,
and call someone,

and ask them what
the word "gleek" means.

You are on speakerphone.
This is my friend Nathan.

I don't know if you can
help me, Nathan, or not,

but I'm against the clock.

Yes, but we've only got
about 20 seconds! 15. 15!

Hello, Elis. Alex says hello!

Hello, Alex.

I've got five seconds left.

The time is running out. Oh, sh*t.

Ah, that didn't work very well.
Can I call him back?

Well, you've got two phone calls.
Oh, right, OK.

I've got 30 seconds left.

Involuntary...
AUDIO DIPS

Involuntary what?

It is involuntary
accidental projection

of a saliva stream from
the submandibular glands

under the tongue.
WHISTLE PEEPS

Please hang up.

SHE SPITS
AUDIENCE GROANS

Involuntarily sh**ting
a stream of saliva.

OK. Thank you very much.

Um... He sounds nice.

HE SPITS

Well, he is.
That was involuntary. I gleeked.

Do you think you've gleeked?

Gleek-proof.
AUDIENCE GROANS

Yeah, I was hoping you were
going to wipe it off.

Oh, right, yeah.

Goodbye. See you later.

Yeah...
HE SPITS

...there was some gleeking going on.

OK, well, I think I would
encourage you to leave now.

I'm going to leave.

Well, well, well. Gleeking.
APPLAUSE

It's funny that you
ran out of time, Matt,

because it's not like
you gave too much detail.

Well, no, but...
You were one step away from going,

"I'm wearing a blue jumper,
and a hat!"

I spoke to my friend afterwards,

and he still told me
that at the end of that first call,

he believed I was in the street
and I'd been attacked.

What, and this was code? Yeah!

I think the big question, for me,
is,

did either of these two people
gleek?

Mm. It's meant to be involuntary.

Well, Matt attempted
to disguise the fact

that there was saliva
coming from his mouth.

So, I think there was
an attempt at creating a gleek.

Mm-hm. Isy?

It was involuntary.

I put it to you,
you simply flobbed at Alex.

If it's spraying from
under the tongue,

from the salivary glands,
that's gleeking.

All right. Neither of them gleeked.

But I would say Matt's attempt
to disguise his spitting at you

was slightly more valid than Isy's.

That's all I would say.

Well, we've had Isy 'Spluttie',
and Matt 'Mucus',

now it's time for Chloe 'Spitts'.

I'm going to call Ed Gamble.
It's his birthday.

Oh. He should be in a good mood.

PHONE RINGS DOWN LINE

Hello?
Hello, Ed, it's me, Chloe!

Happy birthday.

Thanks! You're welcome!

We only have 20 seconds.

Do you know what a "gleek" is?

No. Look it up really quickly
and then text me.

Gleek. G-L-E-E-K.

OK.

He's put, "Squirting spit out
from under your tongue."

Is he taking the piss out of me?
I don't know.

Right.

OK.

Oh, f*ck!

It's...
SHE LAUGHS

It worked out there, I swear!

Oh!

Oh, please get out!

Did I gleek?

Well, it's up to you,
if you're saying you've gleeked.

I've given you
multiple gleeks there.

Stop the clock.
Well, thank you so much.

Happy birthday, Ed.
Sorry about that.

Sorry.

Wow.

APPLAUSE

Why did you know
to just immediately leave the lab?

Had you seen
that big syringe somewhere?

I just sort of knew if I shouted,
"I need a big syringe" into the air

it would appear to me
in the Taskmaster house.

It's just that kind of magic
that the Taskmaster house has.

Yeah, we do have stuff. Yes?

I don't want to gleek
on your parade...

...but that wasn't saliva
that came out.

You're being a little b*tch
right now, man. Yeah.

OK, I think we're going
to go for a break, but first...

HE GLEEKS

Eurgh!

That is one of the most
distressing things I've ever seen.

What an awful time to go to a break.

Oh, my God, I hate you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.

This series has a Greek theme,

and right now there's a bleak scene

involving a gleek sheen
in a previously chic, clean lab.

Alex. Great phrasing, Greg.
Yes, it's a simple task.

Fastest to gleek wins.

And now for the final two attempts,
it's Nina Margherita Conti,

which is her genuine middle name,

and Richard 'Long Island Iced Tea'
Ayoade.

Gosh, I don't have
Richard Osman's number.

He's the only person

who would probably
know this off-head.

I've got his number.
Could I have it?

OK.

"Your time starts now
and stops when you have gleeked."

Is that when you... saliva comes out?

How did you know that?

I've heard that word.

Can you gleek?
No, I'm not a lizard.

What do you do?

PHONE RINGS DOWN LINE

Come on, Osman! Bloody Osman!

LINE BEEPS
Bloody hell! What is that?

I've never heard... You normally
go through to an answerphone.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I might be gleeking, you know.

But you want it to spurt?

It's got to spurt.

Gleek!

I'm full of saliva.

Tim Key. OK.

PHONE RINGS DOWN LINE

He's probably not up yet, is he?

Hello?
Key, you b*stard!

Can you look up the word "gleek"?
G-L-E-E-K.

Then call me back ASAP,
telling me what it means?

OK. Yep.

What did he say?
I don't know. He sounded pissed.

I'll just text, "Any progress?"
Yeah.

Any progress?

It's a card game.
It's a card game. Right.

Could you get some cards
for me, please, Alex?

Sure.
What are you going to do with them?

I'm going to gleek.

Come on, gleek, b*tch!

It takes me one second.

TEXT ALERT CHIMES

Oh, I see.

Your cards.
Apparently, that's what it is.

Spitting while yawning.

From under the tongue, like a cat.

I think we're in... are we
in a fetish scenario for you?

Are we in one of your fetishes?

Ah!

Oh.

I think I gleeked, you know. Yeah?

I think I've gleeked a lot.

All right, thank you for having me.

No, thank you. I'm terribly sorry.

OK. Three cards of the same rank.

One, two... I've gleeked.

OK. Tim Key, again, he says,

"You want to be sh**ting spit
from under your tongue."

I just feel this is
just for him now.

Well, it was nice
to watch you gleek.

Thank you.

All right.

APPLAUSE

Why did you know what to gleek
means?

I don't know. I can't tell you where
I learned all the words I know.

Did Richard gleek?

Well, so, Tim Key told you about
the popular English card game

from the 16th and 17th centuries,
which is Gleeking, yeah.

Thank you. It was a
slightly more dignified gleek

than others, but, yeah.

Well, I suspected at first
you were making up the card game

just to get out of doing something
vaguely humiliating,

as I increasingly think is your MO
in life.

There's a real nasty hostility
creeping out.

This is the way
I'm going to score it.

One point to Isy Suttie because
it wasn't a real gleek.

Two points to Matt because it was
a fairly badly-acted attempt

at an involuntary... How dare you?!

I speak as I find!

Chloe's gleek was a fake gleek,

but there was a lot of preparation
and a lot of attempts

to make it look like a gleek.

It did take
twelve-and-a-half minutes.

I can't believe he gets away
with that, Gleek being a card game,

but he does.

It is another form of gleeking.

The only proper involuntary gleek
I saw was Nina Conti.

She takes five points.

She was the fastest.
Richard was second fastest.

Nina gets five points.

APPLAUSE

Just to clarify, Nina took 7:25,
Richard, 9:27, Chloe, 12:25.

So, it would be five, four, three,
if we're just counting these,

but you are giving two points to...
I am giving them points.

It was an attempt at a gleek... ish.

Can we see the scoreboard,
please? Of course.

Uh... Whoa!
It's my sort of scoreboard.

We've got Isy
in last place with two,

but all the others
have got seven points.

APPLAUSE

Oh, I like that.

Look at that.

Ooh.

Let's fire up another.

All right, then. Say, "Cheese!"

Cheese!

How are you? I'm good, thank you.

Yeah.
You're not going to ask me how I am?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, how are you?

Yeah, fine.

Shall I read this task? Yeah.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

"Take a pair of photos."

"One before and one after
something happening."

"The before and after photos
that most make the Taskmaster

"want to see what happened
in-between wins."

"Win," actually, it should be,
because photos' plural.

"Two bonus points
for the most unexpected thing

"that happened in-between
the photos."

"You have 15 minutes.
Your time starts now."

Um...

Gosh. Um...

Yeah, I'm wondering if it's
going to be something like,

I'm like, dry in one
and then I'm like wet

in a very unexpected way.

And is it really 15 minutes? Yes.

Does Greg like more cerebral stuff
or does he like clumsy,

like, panto sh*t?

It's the clumsy panto sh*t
that he likes.

He likes that stuff?
I would have thought so.

You think?
I don't know him very well.

APPLAUSE

Greg genuinely hasn't
seen these pictures.

Greg doesn't know
what's happened in-between.

We're going to start with Chloe.

So, this is the before photo
that Chloe took.

And this is the after.

Aaw!

How intrigued are you
about what happened

between these two pictures?

Yeah, I'm pretty intrigued.

OK.

Let's see if this satisfies
your curiosity.

If you just look in here and give me
a big smile because you're so happy.

Oh, lovely.

Oh, OK. Now...

...I just made you this.

There you go.

Is that nice?

Can I breathe in?

Nice and deep.

OK, now I'm going
to read you some facts.

One day, you won't know
who wins the Premier League.

Your dog doesn't understand
why you left this morning.

One day will be the last time
you pick up your child.

It may have already happened.

Time is constantly passing,
meaning you have less life to live

every passing second.

Over the last three decades,

the world has lost
half of its coral reefs.

If a sheep is not sheared,

the weight of its wool will cause
the sheep to fall over.

One day, someone will speak
your name for the last time.

Wow!

Yes.

Good.

APPLAUSE

It's happening a little bit now, honestly.

It's strong,
because I thought it was just,

you know, seeing you in tears,

I thought it was just going
to be a novelty way

of making you in tears.

And that was confirmed
when the onion mask came out.

But the addition
of the genuine emotion...

Yeah. Lovely work.

It can never just be an onion beard.

No, you're right. How can it be?

I knew you wouldn't
accept just onion beard.

I would have been disappointed
by onion beard.

But when you start telling me
that if you don't shear a sheep,

the weight of its wool
will make it fall over...

I was fine with the sheep,
but it was the dog

not understanding
why I left this morning,

and picking up my picking up
my children for the last time.

Who are, they're both...
Well, there are three actually now.

But...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It doesn't matter.
How old is the youngest child?



Just the 13 years
to get that one lodged in your head.

Yeah, three, yeah.
Wow. It's a strong start.

Can it be beaten? Let's see.

OK, well, let's see Isy's
before photo.

Have a look at this, Greg. Yeah.

Ooh.

And then the after photo is this.

How on earth did all those animals
and those barrels get in the bath?

Wow. I hope
that the video is not just

Isy putting those things on top
of...

LAUGHTER

That's all I had.

So, how did that get to that?

Let's have a look, shall we?
Let's have a look.

Are you having a nice bath, Alex?
Yes, thank you.

Yeah. Good. I like a public bath.

Nothing could go wrong.

SHEEP BLEATS
CAT SCREECHES

ANIMAL CACOPHONY

Right.

APPLAUSE

She animated the animal attack
and gave them emotions.

There were heavy eyebrows there.
Really angry animals.

Real nice. So, um, do I win?

You don't win, no,
but I do think you're going to do

a lot better than you have
so far today.

Unless... Well, let's see Nina's.
...Nina's is better!

Let's have a look
at Nina's before photo.

Oh. Just a cup of tea
and a sandwich.

And then this happened.

Oh, I'm quite intrigued.

She's just been in the
car with Isy Suttie.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, that's good, that's good.
That is good.

Intrigued by how that happened?

I really am genuinely intrigued
by how that happened.

Well, it wasn't easy,
but this is how this happened.

You look normal.

SHE SQUEALS

It's good...

Argh!

Oh, my God.

Thank you
for wearing the flippers too.

It's unexpected.

APPLAUSE

Did you expect that?
I didn't expect any of that.

I didn't expect the butterfly
centurion with the flipper feet.

Nor did I. You enjoyed
the whole thing, I think.

I felt really sad.

Sad,
smiling like nothing had happened.

With blue in your mouth. With blue.

And I hate to tell you this.

You know, if they don't shear sheep,

they can fall over from the
weight of their wool.

We'll see you after the break.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's the start of part three,

and it's over to Alex
to bring us up to speed.

The competitors have taken
a photo before and after something.

The photos that most make Greg

want to see
what happened in-between wins.

There are also two bonus points
for the most unexpected thing

that happened in-between.

Unheard of generosity
from the Taskmaster.

And now here is
Richard's before photo.

Ready for after? Yes. Click.

So, how did the left-hand picture
go to the right-hand picture?

OK, let's just have a look. OK.

Well, this is what happened
from one to go to the other.

A curse on this house.

He put a curse on a house.

APPLAUSE

Very clever. Thank you.

Well, you're the creator. Do you
want to talk me through the process?

The idea is that I've come
from a long tradition of curses.

I've cursed the house...
Yeah. ..and upon that curse,

the gargoyle has turned back into
the beast that he used to be.

I see.
And why are you wearing Spanx?

Why are you wearing Spanx?

I'm completely naked
in the picture on the right.

Oh, yeah.

One more before and after to see.
You want to see them?

Yeah. OK. This is Matt Lucas.

Um, I have to say that
because you might not recognise him.

This is Matt Lucas before. Yeah.

And this is Matt Lucas after.

So, Greg? Yeah.

So, next to each other,
they look like that. Yeah.

How much do you want to see
what happened in-between.

At this stage? Not at all. Right.

Let's have a look.

I'm going to try
the world's first-ever flight.

So, the before photo will be me
on the first step of the ladder.

Now, I have very, very bad vertigo,

so, I think I'm just
going to actually get off.

I don't think I'm going to do it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Am I in trouble?
I mean, you're not in trouble.

It depends how important points
are to you, I suppose.

And being humiliated
in front of your own mother.

The process was interesting.
Yeah, no.

So, I thought I would fly,
but I do have vertigo,

and so, I didn't fly.

It's just disappointing,
as I was imagining.

Right, right, OK. Yeah.
Well, then that's good!

No, no.

So, Greg, you're going to see
all ten photos up on the screen.

Yeah, let's go. It's the pair
that make you most want to see

what happened in-between that wins,

but there's also
a bonus pair of points

for the most unexpected thing
that did happen.

Matt Lucas for one. Yeah, I've
got that. I've already done that.

Richard, yeah,
I was pretty intrigued.

Three points.

OK. Isy, I was... fairly intrigued.
Three points.

OK. Chloe, four.

Yes, Nina, five points.

There we go.
Five points to Nina Conti.

Now the pain.
APPLAUSE

The most unexpected, for me,

I think it's probably Chloe,

because there was a lot
of emotional content,

and thrown in on top,
I wasn't expecting an onion beard.

I wasn't expecting information
about sheep.

I'm going to give them
the two points.

It's for Chloe.
Two bonus points for Chloe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we go.

Let's have another,
can we, Alex, please?

Yes, but first, some admin,

in the shape
of a standard BOSNAC form.

Ah, Chloe Petts. This is suspicious.

Hmm.

Oh.

Hmm. Oh.

Do you want to take a seat?
Uh... yes.

Yes, I'll take a seat.

I presume it's this one.

Happy with that?

It's nice.

Ready to play? Ready to play.

Thank you.

"Win a game of noughts
and crosses against your old self."

"Your old self will choose squares

"according to the form
they filled in earlier."

"..according to the form
they filled in earlier."

"Fill out this form."

"You have one minute."

Your time starts...

MATT COUGHS
- ...now.
- OK.

BOSNAC form.

"Write all the numbers from
one to nine in any order.

"One in each box." OK.

Really not a lot of time.

Two...

Done.

WHISTLE PEEPS
- Did you choose big or small?
- Big.

Big? Yeah. Interesting.

Very interesting. Right...
Why is it interesting?

...I'll take the form.

Have you checked your answers?

I wouldn't like to.
WHISTLE PEEPS

So, early on, you filled out a grid

with what order you wanted
to put down your crosses.

Did I?

I'll put your cross down
where your old self put number one.

OK. Then you have a go.

And if number two is
where you've gone,

he'll move on to number three,
your old self.

I don't understand very well.

"If you fail to land a nought
in an empty square, you miss a go."

You're chucking them from up there.

I wondered why I was up here.

Well, you picked big
on your size selection.

Yes, I did.

Well, I was thinking of
something else, Alex.

So, earlier on, you filled out

your Big Or Small
Noughts And Crosses form.

You chose small. Yes, yes.

That's why you've got
the small chair.

Ah!

I'm glad I chose big,

cos I'd feel absolutely dreadful
if I was down there.

You're going to be sat on that.

By that, I mean your
wrist will be like that,

and you're dropping circles.

"If you win, you must give the
same answer as your old self,

"and then your task is over."

What does that mean?

I'll ask you one of the questions
that you filled in earlier,

and you've got to try to remember
what you put.

"If you give a different answer,
you must start again.

"Fastest winner wins."

"Your time starts on the whistle."

I'm going to take a seat.
Best of luck.

Yeah. Go on.

WHISTLE PEEPS

Hmm. A lot going on.

APPLAUSE

Chloe, why would you feel dreadful
if you weren't up high?

My assumption was
that if I'd chosen small,

then I would have been sat
in the same chair as Alex,

and I thought that would have
been absolutely pathetic.

I agree.

You must maintain power over him
at all times.

Right... OK.

Let's go. OK. Well, it is Nina,
Chloe and Matt

who sometimes doesn't
understand very well.

Do you remember where you put them?

Yeah, I remember
where I put the numbers.

OK. Good. OK. So, your old self...

...went there.

Your old self went there.

I'm going there.

Or there.

Do you want me to
straighten that up for you?

I'd love it.

Hey!

{\an8}One, two, three.

{\an8}That's three in a row. Yeah.

Please tell me a food.

No. Oh, my God!

What did I write down
on the BOSNAC form?

Soup.

Stop the clock.

Wow.
That was pretty fast, wasn't it?

It felt fast.

Food? Food.

Salt? Bananas.

Oh, my life is bad!

All I can think is hot dog.
Are you saying hot dog?

Yeah. Carrot.

We play again. All right.

That's where I was going to go.

Yeah. I have to go to six.

{\an8}Yes! Get in.

Oh, one, two, three.
You've won again. Thank you.

So, the task is over
if you get this question correct.

Please name an adjective.

Woozy.

Please tell me a sound.

I can't remember what I put.

A bark? No, a sneeze.
Off we go again.

Oh, I hate this life!

Number six, you went over here.

{\an8}One, two, three. Yep, you've won.

{\an8}Now you just have to tell me...

...a bird.

Finch. Correct! Wahey!

You're very good at this.
I was passable.

Pretty good.

APPLAUSE

So, what I would say, Nina, is you
must be thrilled with that textbook.

You won, you said, "soup," you left.

It was mainly a test of memory
and throwing crosses accurately.

Chloe was the cleverest
because your numbers were

one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine.

You thought this was going
to be relevant later on.

The rest put their answers
pretty randomly.

However, Nina
was far quicker than you, Chloe.

What surprised me was that
we'd filled in the BOSNAC form

a mere two hours before that task.

It wasn't that Matt forgot
what was on the BOSNAC form,

he forgot that he filled it in.

Yeah.

It was fairly terrifying.
I don't know where I am now.

Do you need your mum? Yeah.

If only she was here.

Right.
It's time for a quick ad break.

And then just one part left to go.

Matt's mum is standing by
to make the winner feel safe.

And Richard's Portaloo's there
in case they need to have a plop.

See you soon.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to the
final part of the show,

where our cast are participating
in a game of noughts and crosses.

Yes, as we always say, Greg,
"Save the budget,

"have a nice holiday."

Finally, then, let's test the
memories of Richard and Isy,

two great comedians who were
in two great sitcoms

just a couple of decades ago.

You're going first, your old self,
and you went there.

Some part of my wrist
has got to touch the chair.

Yeah.

That's just on there. Yeah.

Your old self went here.

{\an8}What... Are you still sitting?

{\an8}Yeah, I think so.

{\an8}Are you? Yes.

{\an8}OK.

{\an8}No, that's missed.

{\an8}You miss a go.

{\an8}Your old self,
luckily for you, went there.

{\an8}My old self has done me
a good turn there. Mm-hm.

OK.
Luckily, it's going to go there.

So, that's the end of game one. OK.

Your old self actually
then went there. Yeah.

Oh, that's, no, that's missed.

Really? We all saw that.

When you say missed...

Do you want to play it again? Yes.

You pushed it.

What are you talking about?

I've won.

{\an8}I also went there as number seven.

{\an8}Got a chance here, Isy.

Yeah. Come on.

Please give me a time.



That's incorrect.
We have to play again.

It was a time, though, wasn't it?

Wasn't that time.

It was A time,
you asked me for A time.

This is gaslighting.

"If you give a different answer,
you must start again."

Oh!

OK. You won the game.

Now you have to answer
the same question the same way.

Please say a number.

Nine.

Correct. Impressive. Thank you.

There.

I'm going to ask you for a food.

If I say pass, you've got
to ask me another question.

That is not true. Pass.

This is not like Mastermind.
Have you seen Mastermind?

No, what's Mastermind?
OK, it really works.

If you pass,
you go to the next question.

Hmm.

Oh, congratulations.
Three in a row. Yeah.

I'm going to ask for a place.

Place? Mm-hm.

Pass.

Three, yeah, well done. Thank you.

Please could you tell me a bird?

Crane.

Congratulations.
You've won noughts and crosses.

Would you have got the colour?

Did I say red? You said vermilion.
That's a shame.

APPLAUSE

Isy was pretty quick, I think.

Yes, she was. Yes.

I'd like to raise something though.
Please.

So, the same thing happened to me
and Richard,

it went sort of to the edge,
and I accepted your authority.

Yeah. Whereas Richard
challenged your authority,

and you kind of like, let him off.

You are aware Richard was very slow
and you were very fast.

I'm not really pleased
that Richard had a go. OK.

But, I mean, I think you're right
to point it out.

And it's no more complicated
than old-fashioned misogyny.

Richard. I knew Alex was an ally.
Yes!

Can I tell you what his sound was
in the quiz, first of all?

Tell me what his sound was.
I know his colour was vermilion.

Colour, vermilion, sound, despair.

So, points wise, it's pretty simple.

It just goes by the time.

Nina was the quickest,
five points for her, 45 seconds,

Isy gets four points, 1:42,

three to Chloe, 2:18,

Matt, two points, 5:40,

and Richard,


There we go. Five points for Nina.

APPLAUSE

All right, everyone, please make
your way to the stage

for the final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's going to read the task out,
you silly boy?

Richard is going to read the task.

I'll bring 'em down.

"Get all the red rolls
on your left pole,

"the yellow rolls
on your middle poll,

"and the green rolls
on your right pole.

"Only one role may leave the poles
at any time.

"Also, you must be waving
at the Taskmaster

"with one hand throughout the task.

"Fastest wins.

"Your time starts on the whistle."

Hello, Matt. Yeah, what happens
if you're colour-blind?

You asked this last week as well,
and we established you weren't.

Yeah, well, I'm not,
but that doesn't...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Richard's got a question.

Can we keep these holders
after the show?

Yes, you can, Richard.

For the third show in a row,
you can keep all the props.

Good luck.

WHISTLE PEEPS

And wave, hand moving.

Wave!

What do you mean?

What are you doing?
What are you all doing?

I've lost control of my hands!

CHEERING

What the actual...?

Lovely, Richard. So close.

Guys!

Right. Lovely!

Yeah!

Oh, my hand doesn't like waving.
Keep the wave! You keep the wave!

What's going on?

Keep waving, Matt, keep waving.
Yes! Keep waving!

Oh, my God, it's genuinely close.

CHEERING

Keep going.
I think you should keep going.

You can do it! You're so close.

Is it this? That's it. Yes, man!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll add those scores
to the big scores.

Come on down and join me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Hello.

Well, well, well. Mm.

The old toilet paper task.

One of the rules was only one roll
may leave the poles at any time.

And I must show you this photo.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

I need to show you this photo.

Oh, rolls all over the place!

Well, that is a pile-up.

So, unfortunately, the two people
who were in last place

have been disqualified.

Scandal!

But I have one more photo
to show you!

Ah!
AUDIENCE GASP

Oh, my God! It's Nina!

Look at those two...
That's a mistake!

That's not a... that's a knock-off.

I think that's AI,
because in that photo,

if you look carefully,
I don't have any hair.

Matt was fairly slow.

So, three points.

But Chloe, easily the winner,
five points.

CHEERING

Hey, why don't you
tell me the series scores

before we find out
who's won this episode?

OK, well, after three episodes,

Isy, you are unfortunately
in last with 35.

Richard, 38,

Matt, 44,

Chloe, 48,

Nina is in the lead with 49 points.

Well, I never.
APPLAUSE

However...

And today... Today, this episode,
thanks to that final flourish,

is won by Chloe Petts.

Chloe Petts wins!

Yes!

Please sail up to the stage
to celebrate

with your safe things,
and Matt's mum.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here's the winner, Chloe Petts!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE